Phineas and Ferb s01e31 Episode Script

Ooh! Merry old England.
How I love our yearly holiday to my parents' home.
Big Ben.
Buckingham Palace.
Oh, the White Cliffs of Dover.
Stonehenge.
Either I’ve grown a lot in the last year, or England's gotten smaller.
Here we are.
The old homestead.
Look! There's Grandma and Grandpa Fletcher.
Grandpa! Grandma! Ahh! Phineas, Ferb! My boys! Oh, Ferb.
You're looking more like your grandfather.
Just look at that resemblance.
What do you think, dear? He's a right handsome lad, he is.
You can keep these.
I've got loads of them.
Hi, Grandpa.
Hi, Grandma.
Candace? Can that be you? You look like a right beauteous princess.
Thanks! Ta-ta.
We're off to the antique convention.
See you tonight.
Hey, Gramps.
What's that cool castle next door? Oh, aye, that's our neighbors, Lord and Lady Pipping.
It used to belong to the Black Knight.
The Black Knight? Such a wonderful tale of valor.
(Song: Ballad of the Black Knight) The Black Knight of Worcestershire Some say it's "Worcester-sheer" Went out to fight the dragon No one else would volunteer The Hounds of Heck chased after him Through all the moors and lands Because his suit of armor Was recycled dog food cans The Black Knight of "Worcester-sheer" Some say it's "Worcestershire" He rode off with his Hounds of Heck To face the dragon's fire! Here, immortalized in bronze, is the Black Knight himself and his Hounds of Heck on their final charge to vanquish the dragon.
And here is the disastrous results.
Legend says that the Black Knight's ghost still haunts these foggy moors, riding in search of the dragon, followed by his pack of fierce hounds.
Hey, I know what we should do today.
Grandpa Fletcher, let's have a medieval tournament.
Just like the knights did in the days of yore.
We can have jousting and catapults and not bathe.
Way ahead of you on the not bathing.
Man, Stacy, everything here is so old, wet and small, and En garde, Stubbings! and Come on, man! Parry and riposte.
I've run you through, Stubbings.
Yes.
Delightful, Master Charles.
Clearly, you have mastered the rules of tennis.
Uh, Stacy, I'll call you back.
I believe it's my serve.
Oh, dear.
I have punned.
Back it up! Back it up! Good.
Right there.
Lumber over here, suckling pigs over there.
Hold it! That pig's barely suckling.
What do I look like, a fool? That's what I'm talking about.
Carry on.
So, you ready to chop some lumber, Ferb? Hey, where's Perry? Ahh, Agent P.
Sorry about the tight squeeze, but they're on the metric system.
Doofenshmirtz is attending an evil scientists' convention in London.
We're sending you in undercover, disguised as evil scientist Dr.
Lloyd Wexler, who, incidentally, is the man sitting next to you.
Good luck, Agent P.
Phineas? Oh.
Hi, Candace.
What do you think you're doing? I think I'm building a horse.
There's a cute boy next door, and I don't want you guys scaring him off by acting like complete freaks.
Beg pardon? Hello.
I'm Charles Pipping, the fourth.
I'm Candace Flynn the first.
So, what's all this? This? Uh This is just a- We're putting on a medieval tournament.
Medieval tournament? That has to be, without a doubt, the most- Brilliant idea I've heard in years! Exactly.
Because who doesn't love whatever happens at one of those Those Things? Wanna join us? Absolutely.
We could use my family's castle as a backdrop.
And you can be the fair princess in the tower, waiting to be rescued by a handsome knight.
Okay! Welcome to Evil-Con, Dr.
Lloyd Wexler.
Hey! Wait a second.
You didn't get your evil button.
Enjoy the convention, Dr.
Wexler.
As the fair princess in the tower, I declare Sir Charles the winner of the tournament Wait a second.
Could this be one of those things that backfires horribly on me? Nah.
Looks like that armor is big enough for the two of you.
That's a great idea.
Ferb, I'll take the top half because I tend to do more of the talking, and you take the bottom half because of your incredibly long, willowy legs.
Yoo-hoo! Sir Charles! They can't even hear me up here.
Yo, Chuck! Ugh! What is going on down there? Ugh! Oh, come on! Hey, guys! I am locked in the tower! That's the spirit, Candace! You sound like a real damsel in distress! Ugh! I have got to get out of here.
Let go! Come on, let go! Fine! Have it your way.
Well, then, since you chaps are just about put together, I think it's time I popped next door to fetch my own armor.
There's something almost disturbing about this.
Hey, look.
He's back.
Okay, Charles.
We'll help you get on your horse and do a practice run.
You didn't think I'd recognize you, did you? But I do! You’re Dr.
Lloyd Wexler, my greatest hero in all of evil science.
Oh, I can't believe I'm actually talking to you! You know, I wrote my thesis on one of your early ransom notes.
Gee, you wouldn't mind if I just hung around with you today, would you? Lords and ladies of the court, I declare that this contest is to begin! Are you boys ready over there? Ready, Ferb? We're ready, Grandpa! How about you, Charles? That's the spirit.
Look.
Our catapult works.
Way to hang in there, Charles.
Guess we won, Ferb.
Yeah! What ho, chaps.
Still up for a bit of a joust? Your lance, sir.
Charles? Then who's that? Perhaps it was the ghost of the Black Knight.
But I wonder where his Hounds of Heck are.
It's the ghost of the Black Knight and his hounds of Heck! It makes me so happy to be surrounded by so much evil.
Oh, look! It's your autobiography.
It’s always been a dream of mine to have you read it to me.
Oh, wait! Wait, wait, wait! Okay, now I'm ready.
Come on! Don't be shy.
Paragraph 4.
"Upon an evil winter’s heart.
" Go ahead.
"Upon an evil winter's heart, the heavy hand of regret infrequently alights.
The malevolent path is one trod without the cumbersome shackles of sentimental introspec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec" Hmm.
That's funny.
I don't remember you saying "spec" so many times.
Dr.
Wexler, you're a platypus.
Perry the Platypus! I want to say that I knew it was you all along, but I can't because I didn't.
So now, I guess I'm supposed to surrender, which I might do if we weren't standing in the middle of an evil weapons expo! Ah-ha! Perry the Platypus! Your giant robot dragon is no match for my giant robot Queen Elizabeth I.
Hmm.
W-Would you mind switching robots with me? Would you mind too terribly? Please? Thanks.
Thank you very much.
I just prefer this one.
Thanks.
Now, Perry the Platypus.
Your silly, girly Queen Elizabeth I robot is no match for my giant, fire-breathing Ow! Ow! Ow! Wait! Wait! I didn't know she had laser eyes.
I-I want to trade back.
Well, yours may have laser eyes, but mine breathes fi- That was a stupid design.
Commence with round two! Uh, oh! Ferb, I think we put it on sideways this time.
It's a draw! This just in.
A giant mechanical Queen Elizabeth I and a dragon are rampaging through the country engaged in an apparent duel to the death.
And in other news, a new version of Jane Eyre is in the offing.
Good heavens, look at that! They're making a new version of Jane Eyre.
Obviously, your Queen Elizabeth I is no match for my dragon! That Queen Elizabeth is a tough old bird.
Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button.
Oh, that's just great! Thank you for pressing the ejection button.
Remember to take a parachute with you.
Now you tell me! Look, everyone.
It's the ghost of the Black Knight.
I guess he's still in search of the dragon.
To order a parachute, please call our help desk.
Self-destruct in 3, 2, 1.
Hi, Charles.
Jolly good, old bean.
Ah! There you are, Perry.
Hello.
We had the most amazing time.
Look! I found this 19th century barometer.
Anything interesting happen' round here? I hear there's a new version of Jane Eyre in the offing.