The Addams Family (1964) s01e31 Episode Script

Gomez, darling, don't move.
Not a muscle.
I've finally captured the real, the inner you.
Paint, querida, paint.
This is for posterity.
Well, it's happened.
Bolt of lightning knocked you out of your tree house? Oh, no! It couldn't be.
He just bought a new lightning rod at the discount house.
I can handle lightning, but this is worse.
Uncle Fester, you haven't been drafted for military service? They're taking our finest young men.
Now, don't worry, Fester, we'll find you a deferment.
Cowardice.
This is a letter from my pen pal, Madelyn, in Paris.
- France? - IIlinois.
I didn't know you had a pen pal in Illinois.
Well, it wasn't my idea.
But she got this letter to my pen pal Madeline, in Paris, France, by mistake, and from then on she was hooked.
You do write a zingy letter.
Too zingy.
She's coming here to visit me.
Marvelous.
We'll have the guest room unbolted.
But pen pals are supposed to write, not visit.
Uncle Fester, is there something you're not telling us? Fess up, Fester.
Have your letters led this innocent girl down the postal garden path? Well, I did kind of smear it on a little bit.
Oh, well, it's normal to exaggerate in romance.
Yeah, but she said she imagined me as the Cary Grant type.
What's Cary Grant got that you haven't? Hair.
You do have a little problem there.
There's a few other things I told her, too.
Like what? Like I was an All-American football player, and a boxer, and a polo player.
I think she kind of likes that athletic type.
You did go out on a limb a little bit, but I think I have the solution for you.
What? Leave town.
Nonsense, darling, he'll do no such thing.
You're going to stay right here and welcome her like a true Addams.
She'll be delighted when she sees you.
- She won't even get the chance.
- Where are you going, Uncle Fester? Well, there must be some place where a baldheaded man can hole up.
Tish, would you like me if I had no hair? It might be fun polishing your scalp.
Wait right here.
I'll run upstairs and shave it all off.
No, no, darling.
We mustn't think of ourselves now.
We must think of Uncle Fester.
We'll take direct action.
Thank you, Thing.
Let's see.
Gymnasiums, gypsies, hairpieces.
By george, Morticia, you've done it again.
With a hairpiece, Fester will knock her dead.
I don't think we want to go that far, darling.
Querida, we can't call anyone now.
It's night, all the stores are closed.
Oh.
Not Max's Hair Salon.
Look.
"If you want a wig, dark or light, "call on Max, day or night.
" Good rhythm.
I'll just use his emergency night number.
We'll tell him it's urgent.
Yes? I must be in the wrong house.
Please! Max.
Oh, it's so good of you to come.
Allow me, Max.
Right this way.
We're really in quite a bit of trouble.
We'd like something nice for our Uncle Fester.
Something sporty, that'll take a few years off him.
Perhaps 20 or 30.
Madam, I am not a magician.
I can only cover his head.
He'll have to cream his own wrinkles.
That's fair enough.
May we see a few samples? You mean without the client being present? Oh, we wouldn't dream of having Uncle Fester model before a stranger.
He's much too shy.
Besides, he's off somewhere brooding about his ladylove.
Oh, he's got it bad.
Love seems to bring out the beast in him.
Oh, you mean Kitty.
Kitty cat doesn't need a hairpiece.
Never met a lion who did.
Lion? In this house? How else are the children going to learn anything about nature? They can't wait until pet day at school.
I think I'd Oh-oh.
I think I'd better come back tomorrow.
Nonsense, old man.
As long as you're here, let's have a look at the merchandise.
You rang? Lurch, a mirror, please.
Mr.
Max, we're ready whenever you are.
All right, I'll try on a few.
Morticia, you be the judge.
Lurch, you hold the mirror.
You're going to use that mirror? Naturally.
But it's cracked! Of course.
Cousin Droop dropped it for luck.
Well, if that's what you want.
Here is a nice model.
We call it banker's gray.
Distinguished but youthful.
I'll try that.
Thank you.
- Darling, what do you think? - For you, darling, it's perfect.
But I don't think Uncle Fester's the banker type.
All right, do you have anything more Ivy League? Uh-uh.
No, sir.
- But perhaps you'd like the Mohawk.
- Oh, we'll try that.
Darling, what do you think? I think we're getting closer.
All Fester needs is the middle part.
He's got the rest of it.
That's true.
But I still don't think it will do, darling.
It would be all right if his pen pal were Pocahontas.
Don't worry, I've got more.
This one needs a little combing.
My comb.
Oh, that's very thoughtful, Thing.
Yes, thank you Hello, Kitty.
That's a compliment to you, Mr.
Max.
Kitty doesn't come down for just everyone.
Thank you and goodbye! Goodbye! What about your toupees? Keep them! "Keep them.
" How generous.
Darling, have you noticed how people take to Uncle Fester? Especially the ones who've never met him.
Uncle Fester, now you stop squirming.
Morticia, I don't wanna wear a wig.
Nonsense, when you're wooing a girl, you have to make sacrifices.
But I'm not wooing her, she's wooing me.
All right, then you'll both have to make sacrifices.
Now, turn around and let's see how that looks.
That's not me.
Well, it is a bit Rudolph Valentino.
But don't worry, we'll find something that will do you justice.
Oh, you look great in that one, Fester.
Excuse me.
Darling, that isn't Uncle Fester.
This is Uncle Fester.
Oh, by george, the spitting image of Cousin Bleak, the time the boll weevils got in his hair.
Uncle Fester, go over to the large mirror.
You can get a better view.
- Well, what do you think? - Fat.
Fine if you like the short, tall, fat, skinny type.
Nonsense, Uncle Fester, you're much too self-critical.
Why, with your basic good looks and charm, you could sweep Madelyn off her feet in any one of these.
Get with it, old man.
Exude confidence! That's easy for you to say.
You don't have to wear a mop on your head.
Perhaps you're right.
Let's see.
Let's try this one.
Hey, that's more like it.
Well, it does sort of give you that Madison Avenue look.
Yeah, it's more my type.
Come in, come in.
- A visitor.
- Who is it, Lurch? Pen pal.
Madelyn! She mustn't see me like this.
Come on, Fester, that poor girl's down there panting for you.
She's not panting for me.
She's panting for that tall, dark, handsome athlete I told her I was, but ain't.
Uncle Fester, turn around.
Come, come.
Now who is that? That's General Ulysses S.
Addams.
- And what did he do at Vicksburg? - He surrendered.
Not until they caught up with him.
And that same brave blood courses through your veins.
Hey, you know, you're right.
- I shouldn't let a girl frighten me.
- Not until you're married.
Gomez and I will welcome Madelyn.
You come downstairs as soon as you have your hair fixed.
After all, the poor girl has come all the way from Paris, Illinois.
Well, if I'm not down in five minutes, I'll be on my way to Paris, France.
Welcome to the Addams house.
It's so nice to see you.
You can't imagine what a thrill it is to meet Fester's parents.
- Parents? Are they around? - Darling, I believe she means us.
We're not exactly Uncle Fester's parents, but we do try to help him keep his things in order.
Especially his lightbulb and his bats.
Bats? He told me he was athletic.
And he has quite a head on his shoulders.
Quite.
You'll find him fascinating, Miss Smith.
Madelyn Cavendish Beauregard Faversham Firestone Smith.
- That's all one person? - Oh, no, no.
Five.
They were my ex-husbands.
Were they pen pals, too? Only Mr.
Faversham.
The rest were shipboard romances.
Battleship.
Where is that big, strong, lovable Fester? Fester! - Oh, dear, I do believe he's gone to France.
- Nonsense.
Here's your dream man now.
Howdy! - This is the cutest house.
- We do our best to cute it up.
And that's the cutest decoration.
Oh, that isn't a decoration, that was Cousin Squint.
It's all we could save.
You're cute.
Darling, I'm afraid we made a bad investment.
In Consolidated Dust? In Uncle Fester's toupee.
We made him much too attractive.
It does seem to have brought out the Don Juan in him.
In her, too.
Do you realize that that woman has had five husbands? - Shows enterprise.
- Enterprise? Nonsense.
- She's probably just a fickle coquette.
- Coquette.
That's French.
Speak some more, Tish.
Creme de menthe, savoir faire, Brigitte Bardot, anything.
- Not so loud, they'll hear you.
- Ah, yes, where were we? On Madelyn's five husbands.
- I checked into them.
They all died.
- Mysteriously? Not at all.
Suicide.
Darling, we have to break it up for Uncle Fester's sake.
- Morticia, do we have the right? - Of course not.
- But I'm still worried.
- About what, querida? Uncle Fester's such a copycat.
Shall we Shall we sit on the loveseat? Why not? This is This is so intime.
Madelyn, when you speak French you make my blood boil.
Speak some more! Hasta la vista.
Skal! Gesundheit! Anything.
You men have such a low boiling point.
Oh, you mad, impetuous boy, let me run my fingers through your hair.
- No, no.
Watch it.
The glue's still wet.
- Glue? That's what I call my pomade.
Well, got to do my workout.
You rang? Lurch, my tackling dummy.
When a man loses his head over a woman, it's a tragic thing to watch.
Don't worry, Uncle Fester won't lose his head, just his hair.
The dummy.
Right over there, Lurch.
- Now don't get too excited.
- Be careful.
Fearless Fester? - Oh, darling! Oh, darling! - I'm all right, Coach.
You were magnificent.
Oh, say it in French.
Oh, that does it! - You know what I like about you? - What? You're different.
You're the first one to ever notice.
He reminds me of someone.
- Cousin Itt? - That's the one.
- Why don't we fly away? - Elope? I can't wait to become Mrs What is your last name, anyway? You know, you're the first one that ever asked that.
Never mind, never mind.
We'll leave it Smith.
That way we won't have to change the monograms on the towels.
Oh, goody.
- Darling, I'm worried.
- About what? Uncle Fester and Madelyn.
I think those two are in love.
- With whom? - With each other.
Impossible.
No, it's not at all impossible, darling.
According to their horoscopes it's perfect.
She's a Capricorn and he's a bachelor.
By george, you're right.
We may have to accept her in the family.
Not only accept her.
We may have to welcome her into the family.
Make sure that she's anxious to marry Uncle Fester if she has any doubts.
Doubts? About a catch like Fester? True.
He has dazzled her.
But I want her to realize that he's beautiful on the inside, too.
He is.
I've seen his x-ray.
By george, that's one I've never made before.
Dear, I do hope Madelyn doesn't wear that raccoon coat to the wedding.
We'll have her wear something nice in black.
Querida, you've been practicing.
So you two children are going to elope.
How quaint.
You modern kids certainly are impetuous.
Once you've found happiness, why wait? Oh, he's so cute.
Well, if you're going to elope, you'll need a ring.
Oh, it's beautiful.
- What is it? - It's a gopher's tooth.
It was Grandmother Frump's.
Well, I better go upstairs to get ready.
He's so cute.
Yes, but there's a lot more to Fester than his good looks.
Sit down, my dear.
We'd like to tell you a few little things about Uncle Fester, and how to make him happy.
Tell me everything.
Well, for one thing, he likes to keep charged up.
You mean he drinks? Oh, heavens, no.
Uncle Fester is electrical.
Oh, that.
Electrical? He lights up.
Now, for newlyweds that can be a real saving on electric bills.
I guess so.
And of course you know the way to a man's heart.
Just speak French.
Gomez, darling, I was thinking about cooking.
You'll want to know some of Uncle Fester's favorite recipes.
French pastry? Oh, no, no.
Simple things like eye of newt.
Newt? Aren't they those little crawly things? Not after you cook them.
And when he's had a nice, home-cooked meal, Uncle Fester likes to relax up in his tree house.
Tree house? Be sure you pick a honeymoon cottage with a tall tree.
All clear below! Here comes the groom! Well, hop on.
Let's hit the road.
Get lost, you electrical, tree-sitting newt! - Did I do something wrong? - You got born, baldy.
I told you it wouldn't work.
It's just as well, Uncle Fester.
A woman who doesn't know how to make a man happy certainly wouldn't make a good wife.
Besides, her French was atrocious.
Well, who cares? I could have never gone through life with that itchy wig.
That's a lovely attitude, Uncle Fester.
Someday you'll find the right kind of woman.
A woman with just your kind of tastes, just your kind of interests, and just your kind of head.
Now take your time, my dear.
Aim carefully.
That was pretty close, Morticia.
Watch it.
Don't worry, Fester, Annie Oakley Addams never misses.
Well, almost never.
I'm getting out of here.
Dear Uncle Fester.
He just hasn't been the same ever since that woman jilted him.
Well, the whole thing is obvious to me.
She just didn't like motorcycles.
Dear Uncle Fester.
He loves his so.
Not anymore.
He's taken up horseback riding.
- Horseback riding? - Look.
Tally-ho! So much more sensible.