Batman (1966) s01e32 Episode Script

Batman So far we have seen in the lobby of a silent film festival an unscheduled diversion.
The tramp was The Riddler.
What the blazes was his game? He was after a roll.
A tasty payroll.
But this roll had a twist.
A crooked crew behind a movie camera.
And two stars who didn't know they were in the picture.
A trap! Caught again on film.
And in the abandoned cutting room of a bankrupt movie studio The Riddler and his felonious filmsters enjoy the show.
And got ready for an even stranger one.
Temper tonic.
Poured into innocent lemonade at Mr.
Van Jones' temperance party.
Incredible affect.
Friends turn into snarling beasts.
A free for all.
And down in the driveway, a damsel in distress.
Oh, yeah? Robin? Where's Robin? In the Riddler's filthy clutches.
Kindling for the biting buzzsaw.
We warned you before, we warn you again in just one minute, you will a Boy Wonder sawed in two.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Na na na na na na na na Batman Meanwhile, even as the buzzsaw spins a desperate Batman races from the scene of Mr.
Van Jones' fatal party bent on pursuit of Robin's captors.
Horrors! The Boy Wonder's tiny utility belt radio lost in the struggle.
No way of contacting him now.
Batman! Wait! I'm so ashamed, Batman, the way I behaved at that party.
It's not your fault, commissioner.
Riddler's henchmen spiked your drinks with temper tonic.
Now you've taken my universal drug antidote you'll be alright.
Yes, but still my unseemly behavior certainly contributed towards Robin's capture.
Let that be a lesson.
In future, be more careful from whom you accept free lemonade.
What the blazes! 'Great Scott, Batman! Look up there.
' A parachute blossoming.
"A bear like a fallen tree?" Easy.
A bear lumbers and a fallen tree becomes lumber.
Good grief! Another one.
'"Why is silk like grass?"' Even easier.
You measure both by the yard.
Lumberyard.
.
The Gotham Lumberyard! That must be where he's holding Robin.
'Goodbye, commissioner.
' Speed to headquarters.
I'll call you if I need help.
Goodbye, Batman.
Save that boy! Robin! Robin! Do you hear me? Too late.
He's history now, Batman.
I'll do better than that, Riddler.
Question.
When is a man a stupid relative, huh? I've heard enough of your murderous riddles.
Surprise, Batman.
This is what is known in the film game as a two-parter.
Look! "When is a man like a stupid relative?" When he's a mannequin.
A dummy.
Robin? Riddler? Stop! Surrender! Give yourself up.
By all that's holy I might forget myself and do you violence.
My name is Pauline.
My lawyer's name is Mr.
Oliver Wendell.
Why don't you look him up and buzz him? No use, Batman.
She's hard as nails.
Knows her legal rights too.
A frustrated, would-be actress.
.
a star that was never born venting her disappointment on society.
Only one thing to do, commissioner.
Take her to the Batcave and work on her.
Great Scott, Batman.
Revealing its location will be tantamount to.
.
taking off your mask.
Not quite, commissioner.
Before the trip, I intend to render her senseless with a whiff of Batgas.
Hey, now, wait a minute.
I'd like you to come along too, commissioner.
Me? To the Batcave? When it's a question of Robin's safety I don't entirely trust myself.
I'd like a witness present to make sure that I don't employ methods which might bounce back on me in court.
Well, of course, if you wish my presence, Batman, I'll.
.
Uh, Batgas for me as well? It's a precaution I have to take, commissioner.
If you were captured and tortured by criminals you might reveal the location of the Batcave.
I place myself in your hands, Batman with the most serene confidence.
Sit down, commissioner.
Restrain her, Chief O'Hara.
Hey! Hey, wait.
Wait, I want my lawyer.
Help! No, don't you dare.
I assure you, commissioner, the sensation is not unpleasant.
Your handkerchief? Great science! Chief O'Hara, summon some men.
We'll need help in getting them to the Batmobile.
Great Scott! At last, the fabulous Batcave.
- Unusual, isn't it? - Oh, magnificent! I feel as if I've awakened in some future age.
Such equipment.
What fantastic ingenuity you and the Boy Wonder have employed in hooking it together.
True.
We did muster many long hours of brain power.
However, this is no time for self-congratulation.
A small demonstration will now take place.
- A demonstration? - Yes, commissioner.
Take this can of Batwake.
When I give you this signal spray a whiff of it in the prisoner's face.
Certainly.
You will notice, commissioner, that this Batmask in most ways resembles an ordinary operating room oxygen mask.
I will introduce no drugs, no serums into Pauline's bloodstream.
I understand.
Now, commissioner.
- Give her the Batwake, please.
- Oh-oh, yeah.
Where am I? Deep.
.
in the entrails of the earth, Pauline.
Where every instrument has been designed to combat crime and smear its perpetrators.
There are those who came to this Batcave and never left.
That is true.
Now, tell me.
Where is Robin being held? I don't know.
Are you sure? Yes, I'm.
.
I only know.
.
'Yes.
' 'the clues, two riddles.
' Give them.
Why was Flo Zigfield like a nearsighted man? Because they both put on spectacles.
Two? What kind of men are always above board? Chessmen.
Join me over here, commissioner.
Watch very carefully, commissioner.
I'm going to mingle Pauline's captured breath with a clear liquid in this container.
What do you hope to discover, Caped Crusader? The truth, commissioner.
If Pauline's answers were true then the oxygen content of her breath will turn this liquid red.
If, however, she lied then the increase in her metabolism will increase the oxygen content of her breath and cause an imbalance which will leave this liquid clear and undisturbed.
Do you understand? Oh, yes.
Yes, of course.
Now.
.
for the test.
Would you squeeze the bag, commissioner? Thank you.
Fantastic! Oh, I doff my hat to you, Batman.
No wonder you're the nemesis of crime.
Obviously you were telling the truth, young lady.
A wise decision, I promise you.
Commissioner.
You observed I used no undue methods to extract that confession.
Oh, none whatever.
I'd affirm that in the highest court in the land.
But what do those strange clues mean, Batman? Simple, commissioner.
Look at it in the context of the theme which has run throughout this entire case.
Silent movies.
Uh, clue one.
Spectacles.
Harold Lloyd of course.
He always wore spectacles.
And he was often found perilously balanced on the ledge of a high building.
Chessmen.
The Chessman Building! Right, commissioner.
I'll call Chief O'Hara on the Batphone alert where to find you along the roadside.
I'll also tell him that he will find the standby container of Batwake in your right-hand coat pocket.
Uh, right.
Oh, thank you.
This, uh.
.
This has been a privilege, Batman.
A rare privilege.
I thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Fire away.
Meanwhile, on a narrow ledge just below the roof of the venerable Chessman Building the Riddler and his felonious filmsters prepare to shoot a shattering spectacle.
Stolen straight from Harold Lloyd.
Coming up.
.
the last reel in our drama starring the Boy Wonder going down.
This time.
.
no whimsical dummy, but the real thing.
You lowdown fiend, what's the point of all of this? Comedy, Boy Wonder.
Light-hearted comedy to accommodate a connoisseur.
Riddler, this life of crime has finally softened your brain.
Question.
Can a robin fly if his wings are clipped? You won't earn a nickel murdering me, Riddler.
This doesn't make sense.
Correct, Boy Wonder.
Not cents, dollars! At least one million dollars.
Rehearsal.
Make sure my safety belt doesn't show.
Sure, Riddler baby.
'Make with the action.
' Whoa-oh-oh! Whoa-a-a-a! Whoa-a-a-a! Cut! End of rehearsal.
This time, we film it.
Uh, but little difference, ya? Ya.
Little difference.
This time, the Boy Wonder makes the plunge.
Rolling.
Little mood music.]
Robin! Curses! The Batrope! Grab it with your teeth.
Hold on, Robin.
Tight.
I'll raise you back up to the ledge.
- Are you alright, Robin? - Holy molars! Am I ever gonna take good care of my teeth.
True.
You owe your life to dental hygiene.
If only more people.
.
Those cowardly crooks! They're escaping again.
Only if we had our Batcopter.
Holy smokes! Sky writing.
- More clues, no doubt.
- You're right, Batman.
Look! A riddle! "What kind of machine has ears?" That one's for a nursery school.
A train of course.
A train has engineers.
You want to land us all back up in the pen again, baby? Lackeys, you don't realize these clues have a false meaning.
"A cowboy wear a tight belt?" The same reason a policeman or anyone else does.
To hold up his pants.
A train.
A hold up.
Well, the El Chief! - Which? - The El Chief, Batman That famous train which all the movie people used to take.
The Riddler's planning to hold it up.
- Fits like a glove.
- Yes, it does.
Very good thinking, Robin.
Commissioner Gordon? Robin, calling from the Batmobile.
Thank heavens, Boy Wonder, you are safe.
- How do you feel? - Just great.
- How do you feel? - No nauseous after-effects.
Tell Batman it was like waking from a strange refreshing dream.
I'll do that, commissioner.
In the meantime, here's a red hot tip.
Send every man you've got to Gotham Central Station.
Stake-out that famous train.
The El Chief.
A strange and shocking twist to the plot.
For even as the defenders of law and order descend on Gotham Central Station the Riddler shows up on the other side of the city.
At the mansion of Mr.
Van Jones famed fancier of old silent films.
Well, come in.
Mr.
Riddler, at last.
Yeah.
I have it right here, Mr.
Van jones.
My silent masterpiece.
The only silent movie ever made of Batman and Robin in action.
I can hardly wait.
Oh.
Imagine.
The first silent epic film in almost four decades.
.
mine.
What a triumph for a collector like myself.
But, come on, let's run it.
Come on.
Sensational, Mr.
Riddler.
Worth every penny of the $100,000 I contracted to pay you.
I thank you, Mr.
Van Jones.
Just a moment, I'll put this film in the safe.
And get you your check.
Would you excuse me? Have no fear for the safety of your epic, Mr.
Riddler.
I'll keep it with my others.
In this burglar-proof vault.
It can be opened by positively no one but myself.
Mr.
Van Jones.
.
why are you like a clock at midnight? Answer.
'Cause both your hands are going straight up right now.
What is this? This is your last reel.
'Step aside.
' But my films! You can't take them.
They're priceless.
Oh, I think we'll find a price.
.
'when you try to ransom it back.
' This way, partners.
No sheriff, Riddler baby? 'Hos, he went that-a-way.
.
to the train station.
Hurry it up, boys.
Clean out that safe and let's head for them hills.
Blazes! A bat shadow.
Same old ending, Riddler.
It never fails.
Thought you had us fooled with your double-dealing clues, huh? "The Great Train Hold-Up.
" The most famous silent film ever made.
'And the only existing print' is right here in the Van Jones safe.
Get him, boys.
Get him, or we'll never make it to the border.
Good heavens! Call Chief O'Hara, Robin.
Tell him we have the entire cast right here.
Cast? You're about to star in a picture of your very own, Riddler.
A long picture.
Titled, "Up The River.
" Alfred, why are you dawdling so? We're gonna be late at the restaurant.
- Is that so, madam? - Well, of course it's so.
We're due to meet Dick and Bruce there at 8:00.
As you say, madam.
Alfred.
.
really, and on my birthday too.
Dick and Bruce promised they'd have a big surprise for me.
And that's precisely what I shouldn't wish you to miss.
- Happy Birthday, Mrs.
Cooper.
- Many happy returns.
Merciful heavens to Betsy, it's Batman and Robin.
My friend Bruce Wayne contacted me through the commissioner.
He said you'd always wanted to meet the Dynamic Duo.
'Kind of like a birthday surprise, Mrs.
Cooper.
' - It's an honor, ma'am.
- And a pleasure too.
May we take the liberty? - I think we better run, Batman.
- That's right, Robin.
We'll be late for that appointment we have tonight.
Happy birthday again, Mrs.
Cooper.
Quickly, let's race to the Batmobile.
Oh, Alfred.
Alfred, imagine.
They kissed me.
Will Bruce and Dick ever believe that when I tell them? Oh, I'm sure they will.
After all, I was a witness.
Madam.
Next week, the Penguin waddles again.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Na na na na na na na na Batman