Bewitched (1964) s01e32 Episode Script

Okay, now you can open.
Champagne, what's the occasion? The occasion is our first quiet evening at home in two weeks.
I intend to toast you in blank verse and whisper sweet nothings till sunrise.
Aren't you sweet? First, we remove the protective wiring.
Then we pry loose the cork with a resounding Chime.
Who dares intrude on blank verse and sweet nothings? I don't know.
But we're gonna get rid of whoever it is in a hurry.
Oh, Mr.
Kravitz.
- Evening, Mrs.
Stephens, Mr.
Stephens.
- Good evening.
I dropped by to give you some neighbourhood gossip.
Well, could you tell us tomorrow, Mr.
Kravitz? - It's late, and we were - Mrs.
Kravitz and I just split up.
Oh, no.
We had a championship fight.
Round one began with a dispute over which drawer I should keep my socks in.
Round 10 ended with me storming out of the house to go to my club.
Why don't go to your club? I was so mad, I didn't realise I don't have one.
Until I was out the door which Mrs.
Kravitz childishly locked behind me.
And when I rang the bell, she didn't open it.
She probably didn't hear you.
Why don't you go back and? I rang 20 minutes nonstop.
I said, "Gladys, let me in, I'll catch pneumonia.
" - And she didn't answer? - She answered.
She gave me the name of a good doctor.
Would you care to plead with her on the phone? No, I refuse to stoop to her level of immaturity.
I'll sleep in the gutter.
She'll find her sole source of support frozen, dead.
You'll do no such thing.
You'll stay in our guest room.
Come morning, when tempers have subsided you and Mrs.
Kravitz will make up.
You're both very kind.
Tough luck, Gladys.
I'm going to live.
Would you care to join us in a glass of champagne? - Thanks, but not at bedtime.
- Oh, all right, Mr.
Kravitz.
The guest room is the door to the left, on the top of the stairs.
At bedtime, I drink piping hot cocoa, if it's not too much trouble.
Oh, no.
No trouble at all.
Hurry back, honey, before the champagne gets cold.
Coming, darling.
Oh, boy.
That Mr.
Kravitz sure is a good sleeper.
He's also a good snorer with amazing long-range reverberations.
There was a fleeting moment around 3 a.
M when I thought we were under attack by enemy aircraft.
In a way, it's kind of cute.
Cute? There is nothing cute about staying awake all night listening to stereophonic snoring.
I meant it's cute that after a couple can still have a lovers' quarrel.
- You think that's all it is? - Oh, of course.
And in the clear light of day, they'll both see how ridiculous it is.
That must be the lady in question come to claim her lost sheep.
Well, say "baa-baa" to her lost sheep.
I'll clean up those things later.
- Oh, hello, Mrs.
Kravitz.
- Good morning.
Won't you come in? Something the matter? To the naked eye this looks like the average American home.
Mrs.
Stephens, are you by any chance harbouring my husband? Yes, I hope you don't mind.
It was very late and he didn't have Don't apologise, this is a free country.
Oh, don't tell me you're going home to mother.
These are Mr.
Kravitz's clothes.
Tell him he can keep his socks anyplace he chooses.
Mrs.
Kravitz, do you seriously? The home is half mine.
Why should I move and leave it to him? - Let him move and leave it to me.
- Mrs.
Kravitz, do you seriously? He can keep the car, I'll keep the house.
I'll try again.
Mrs.
Kravitz, do you seriously mean? I do.
The 30-year partnership of Abner and Gladys Kravitz is finished, washed up, dissolved.
Just because of a pair of socks? - Now, Mrs.
Kravitz, I know your - The socks is just a symbol.
- A symbol of what? - Of Mr.
Kravitz's crummy neuroses.
He's neurotic, you know.
Oh, he's so neurotic that a normal person like you A normal person like me might what? Nothing, I forgot to whom I was speaking.
Would you give Mr.
Kravitz this note? Tell him if he wishes to reply to it to have his attorney contact my attorney.
Pardon me, ladies, but I have to go to work.
- Where's Mrs.
Kravitz? - She left.
- Alone? - Alone.
Darrin, this is much more serious than you predicted.
- I didn't predict anything.
- She's contemplating divorce.
That was the best sleep I've had in months.
Mrs.
Kravitz snores.
Mr.
Kravitz, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
No fresh orange juice? - No.
- Hey, that's my suitcase.
How about that.
It's packed.
What did Mrs.
Kravitz say when she brought it over? She left you this note.
This is shocking.
She has the penmanship of a 10-year-old child.
Never mind the penmanship.
What does it say? It says, "Farewell forever.
" If you don't have fresh orange juice, I'll have half a grapefruit.
We have fresh orange juice.
We have fresh orange juice every morning.
Mr.
Kravitz, why aren't you pounding your head in misery? - Because I'm not miserable.
- Well, you should be.
If I wrote you a "farewell forever" note, wouldn't you be miserable? I certainly would.
Because she's my wife, and Mrs.
Kravitz is your wife.
I know, wanna trade? I'll give you Gladys and 18 pairs of socks.
Mr.
Kravitz, we're disappointed in you.
Aren't you gonna fight for her? I'm undecided, it depends on how much I enjoy not fighting with her.
I'll get dressed for breakfast.
Shouldn't you go to work? Yes, and so should you.
- What does that mean? - You should go to work getting Mr.
Kravitz back where he belongs before I get home tonight.
- How? - I haven't the faintest idea.
But being a devoted wife and witch, I'm sure you'll think of something.
- Know what I mean? - Darrin.
Sweetheart, I'm home.
Come give me a passionate kiss.
Okay, pucker up.
That's passionate? Mr.
Kravitz, may I speak to my wife alone for a minute, please? Sure, I'll start the Brussels sprouts.
Sweetheart, when I left this morning, l Brussels sprouts? He said if it wasn't too much trouble, he'd like to show me a special recipe.
I hate Brussels sprouts.
Well, he likes them and he's our guest.
Why? When I left this morning, I asked you to make him disappear.
No.
You asked me to get him back where he belongs.
That's much harder than making him disappear.
Make him disappear from our house and appear in his house.
Wouldn't do any good.
He'd see where he was and come right back.
Samantha, you're stalling.
- Well - You've used your powers to solve much tougher problems than this.
Since when do you want me to use witchcraft? You always want me not to.
- That's true, however - However what? - I'm willing to make an exception.
- Mrs.
Stephens.
- Yes? - Lf it's not too much trouble where do I find the anchovies? - Second cabinet to the right.
Thank you.
- Why does he need anchovies? - To stuff the Brussels sprouts.
Make him disappear from our house and appear in San Francisco.
Darrin, our aim isn't merely to get rid of him, it's to reunite him with his wife.
Send her to San Francisco too.
They have to reunite on their own free will.
Of course, I suppose I could go and see Mrs.
Kravitz and try to reason with her, wife to wife.
- When? - Now? Fine.
Good luck.
Brussels sprouts.
- Mrs.
Kravitz, l - There's been an accident! Mrs.
Kravitz, your husband is in perfectly good health.
- Scout's honour? - Scout's honour.
I'm sorry to hear it.
Could we go in and sit down and have a little talk? Why not.
If Mr.
Kravitz asked you to beg me to forgive him, you're wasting your time.
He didn't beg me, Mrs.
Kravitz.
As a matter of fact, he doesn't even know.
I'm doing very nicely without him.
I like this peace and quiet.
L - I was gonna throw that in the garbage.
- Oh, were you? Or were you looking at it because you miss him? Absolutely not.
I wouldn't miss him with a 10-foot pole.
I like this peace and quiet.
Oh, Mrs.
Stephens, I miss him so much I don't know what to do.
I'm an unhappy ship floating down a Ionely river.
And this is my ninth handkerchief today! Oh, Mrs.
Kravitz.
I am sorry.
I'll tell Mr.
Kravitz to come home right away.
Over my dead body! I want him to want to come home.
I want him to get on his hands and knees and say he can't live without me.
What if he's too stubborn to admit it? I'll kill him.
Oh, I see.
You have just as much pride as he.
And he's the man so it's up to him to make the first move.
I stand on that principle, is that unreasonable? No, Mrs.
Kravitz, I can't say that it is.
What would you say to a little compromise plan? - By whom? - By me and our mutual living-room windows.
I just took a king.
You're not concentrating.
I was still thinking about the Brussels sprouts stuffed with anchovies.
Gin.
Guess who I can see from here.
Why, it's Mrs.
Kravitz.
Loser deals.
She has a new hairdo.
Oh, yes.
I noticed, very becoming.
Did you see her negligee? Oh, yes.
Very dainty and feminine.
That's enough shuffling.
Deal.
Boy, when Mrs.
Abner Kravitz puts her mind to it she sure can look appealing.
I don't want it, do you? Gin.
On the first card? - What luck.
- It wasn't luck.
It was skill.
I'm not a man given to rash statements but Abner Kravitz, alias the Brussels Sprouts Kid has been our houseguest for two nights.
And this is the second day, and I have had it.
Which upsets you more the sonic-boom snoring or the Brussels sprouts? What I object to most is the invasion of our privacy.
I'd always hoped our family would be enlarged.
- But what I had in mind was a baby.
- Well, cheer up, we've got one.
A middle-aged bouncing baby boy.
He misses his wife just as much as his wife misses him.
He'd go back to her in a second if his ego weren't playing a silly game of who's gonna crack first.
I'll tell you who's gonna crack first.
I am.
- Darrin.
- Good morning, my genial hosts.
Good morning.
Mrs.
Stephens, if it isn't too much trouble would you mind taking my shirts in your delivery to the laundry? Thanks.
Mr.
Kravitz, I have observed that whenever you ask my wife to do you a favour, you always finish or start with: - "If it's not too much trouble.
" - And I end with "thank you.
" - I always try to be polite.
- That is very admirable.
However, there are certain requests that are too much trouble.
Now, not at all, darling.
Mr.
Kravitz, you just set them down over there.
- I'll be happy to take them for you.
- Thanks.
Oh, Mr.
Stephens? - What? - You had the paper first yesterday.
It's my paper, isn't it? Okay, if that's your attitude, I'll get my paper.
Excuse me.
How do you do, madam? I represent the Wet Rose - Kiss me.
- I beg your pardon? Kiss me, I wanna make my husband jealous.
Lady, don't go to extremes.
If you don't wanna buy, just slam the door in my face.
- Darrin? - What? Can you sleep? No.
Neither can I.
Bet I know why.
- Why? - We've gotten so adjusted to Mr.
Kravitz snoring, that the one night he doesn't it keeps us awake.
That's probably it.
Doesn't make any sense, but that's probably it.
Sort of at a standstill, aren't we? - Do you have any ideas? - No.
Do you? Yes, but it's only half an idea.
Now, since we can't seem to reunite the Kravitzs' while they're awake perhaps I can reunite them while they're asleep.
Sounds logical.
I thought if, by witchcraft I gave each of them the same dream at the same time Go ahead, I'm listening.
That's all.
That's why it's only half an idea.
A dream that would make them realise how much they love each other.
So when they woke up, they'd rush into each others' arms.
Exactly.
Suggest a dream.
You suggest a dream.
It's your half an idea.
It should be about a time when they were both blissfully happy.
Like when they were single.
- That's perfect.
- Sam, I was being sarcastic.
That's absolutely perfect.
When is the happiest day in a man's life in relation to his wife before they were married? When he finds out she isn't going to need $3000 worth of dental work.
Wrong.
The day he proposes and she accepts.
It's the happiest day for her too.
- Possibly, but - Possibly? - Wasn't it the happiest day for you? - I guess so.
Yes, it was.
Same here.
So that's what I'll do.
I'll make them both dream of his proposal Don't go away.
I'll be right back.
Abner and Gladys Kravitz sweet dreams.
- How was your class in home ec? - Oh, keen.
- How was your class in business ed? - Keen.
But my favourite class is Scandinavian lit.
- So's mine.
- Why? You tell me first.
My favourite class is Scandinavian lit because in it I sit next to a certain Miss Gladys Gruber.
Gladys Gruber, some name.
I think it's beautiful.
It's too guttural.
Gladys Gruber, Gladys Gruber.
- Maybe you'd like to change it.
- Change it to what? To Gladys Kravitz.
I admit, it isn't much of an improvement, but Gladys, I love you.
I've loved you since you fell off the truck on my fraternity hayride.
I want you to be my wife.
To travel my life highway sharing my joys and sorrows.
Abner, is this a proposal? If it wasn't a proposal, would I have bought this? It's keen! You got your fingers over the diamond.
I wanted to buy you a diamond as big as my heart.
But they don't make one.
- Even if they did, I couldn't afford it.
- This is big enough.
My needs are simple.
Kindness, understanding a nice winter coat.
Does that mean the answer is yes? - Didn't you know it would be? - Well, I wasn't sure.
I only hoped.
As the years glide swiftly by our love will bloom in beauty, like a rose.
The end.
Now, all I have to do is wake them up and let them take it by themselves from here.
- Fascinating.
- What? - Being married to you.
- Oh, good.
- Will it work? - I hope so.
Gladys! Where are you? Abner.
Abner, where are you? Now Let's go look out the window.
- At what? - At their reunion.
- Abner! - Gladys! - You know what might be a nice touch? - What? The way they do it in the movies.
Well that's that.
- Congratulations.
I started the ball rolling.
It wouldn't work if they didn't love each other.
- As much as we do? Maybe.
No.
No, that is impossible.
Okay.
- Now, where's the blank verse? - Well Here you are.
There once was a girl named Sam - Hi, I'm back.
- We're both here this time.
How nice.
To thank you for your hospitality and also to give you a small token of our esteem.
- Well, thank you very much.
- Oh, yes.
But you shouldn't have.
It's an expensive vegetable dish.
You were so good to Abner.
I have a funny feeling it was you who put us back together again.
A very funny feeling.
Oh, it's beautiful.
- Thank you again.
- Ideal for Brussels sprouts.
I brought some champagne, but I see you've got some already.
Yes, we were planning on celebrating our reunion too.
- Maybe we shouldn't intrude.
- Intrude? On these people? You gotta be kidding, right? - Right.
- We'll pool the champagne and make a night of it, right? - Darrin? - Right.
Here's to dreams.
- That come true.
- I'll drink to that.