The Addams Family (1964) s01e32 Episode Script

Thank you, thank you.
And thank you, Lurch.
And, Lurch, would you mind taking the children up to the tower? Mama's waiting for them.
She wants to play pinochle.
Oh, goody.
- Wasn't Morticia marvelous, Cousin Itt? - He's asleep, dear.
- How can you tell? - I can hear him snoring.
Come.
We've entertained some pretty cold audiences.
But at least they didn't fall asleep.
They had the decency to walk out.
Poor Cousin Itt is troubled, darling.
He hasn't been sleeping well lately.
I think he has a problem.
Problem? But he's got everything.
A brilliant mind, a charming personality.
And he's a great dresser.
That's true.
But he can't seem to find a place for himself.
A career that would do him justice.
Cousin Itt would make a great undercover agent.
- Special Agent 298.
- No.
Darling, Cousin Itt is probably bored by beautiful women.
Let's wake him up.
Cousin Itt.
Oh, I'm sorry, dear, I didn't mean to interrupt your dream.
Something exciting, old man? That is exciting.
Zooming through the air in one of those jets.
Dreaming you were the pilot, eh? - The stewardess? - He is mixed up.
Of course, dear.
Go to your room and finish your dream.
Tell us how it comes out.
Darling, we must think of a way to help Cousin Itt.
We'd better.
He's threatening to go to the South Seas and become a beachcomber.
We can't let that happen.
He'd never get the sand out of his hair.
But we simply can't let a fine human being like that think he's a failure.
Might drive him into doing something rash.
Darling, what about music? He could become a rock and roll singer.
Nobody would understand a word he was saying.
No, Cousin Itt's a longhair.
Well, then, what about the violin? He could even make his own bows.
But I'd miss him so when he goes on those long concert tours.
Oh, he is a lovable little rascal.
Such a brilliant conversationalist.
Voilá! I have it.
Tish, that's French.
Darling, please.
Let me tell you my idea.
- Let me tell you mine.
- Later, dear, later.
- Right now I want to talk about Cousin Itt.
- Yes, where were we? I have the perfect career for Cousin Itt.
- Marriage counselor.
- Isn't he a bit inexperienced? So is the hangman till his first job.
The hangman.
Perhaps No, Itt's more the marriage counselor type.
That's true.
You rang? Yes.
Lurch, please go wake up Cousin Itt.
He's embarking on a new career, marriage counselor.
You see.
We're on the right track.
Darling.
A stewardess? Sorry.
Downstairs to discuss your future.
A stewardess.
Why, marriage counseling should be right up your alley.
Nonsense, you're the perfect type.
Oh, no, Itt.
You have to be a girl to be a stewardess.
It is not unfair.
That's just the way things are.
Besides, I'll prove to you that you'd be a good marriage counselor.
Gomez and I will pretend to be a married couple with a problem.
And we'll come to you for counseling.
Far-fetched, but we'll go though with the charade.
Will you do it, Itt? Good.
Inside you're all heart.
Quite a combination.
Inside all heart.
Outside all hair.
Cousin Itt, step down to the desk, please.
Right this way.
Here we are.
Maybe we should put a telephone book under him.
No.
I think he should look at these problems from his own viewpoint.
Right.
All right, Doctor, you're open for business.
Good afternoon, Dr.
Itt.
We're a young married couple and we have a problem.
What do you mean you're too busy to see us? We need help.
Henry.
Henry and I have been married for three days and already he isn't paying any attention to me.
Well, no wonder, you haven't been out of hair curlers since the ceremony.
Why should I? All you ever do is look at that silly newspaper.
I don't just look at the paper.
I study the stock market.
That's a laugh.
You study the stock market and you don't have a penny to your name.
No wonder I don't have a penny.
You spend it before I earn it.
Tish, when you laugh it drives me wild.
Darling, please.
We're two other people.
Oh, yes.
My mother always told me you were a tightwad.
I'll tell you how much I give her.
Plus carfare.
She's nothing but a spendthrift.
And I mean it.
Do you, Gomez, really? Of course not.
There was something in your voice.
Maybe way down deep inside you do think I'm wasteful.
- Oh, Gomez.
- Tish When you cry, it sets my whole being aflame.
No.
You just think I'm a plaything.
And a delightful one, eh, Itt? Right, right.
One man's meat is another man's poison! That does it.
I didn't say it.
Itt did.
- I'm going to my room.
- I'll go with you.
No, thank you, I'd rather be alone.
I'm going to finish reading War and Peace.
- What page are you on? - Twelve.
Bigmouth.
It's Gomez.
Passionflower.
What will Mama and the children think? Let me in.
Morticia, everyone's in bed except me.
Fine thing.
Just 'cause you two have a little spat us innocents have to suffer.
I'm sorry, Uncle Fester.
But my sensibilities have been wounded.
Nonsense, Cousin Itt.
It isn't your fault because Mr.
Addams let his temper run away with him.
Me? Loving father and tender husband? Temper? I give up.
Morticia! That French again.
Forgive me, cara mia.
I've been a cad and a fool.
No, darling.
Just a cad.
I've been a fool.
Sending you out in your bare feet without a thought of your sinuses.
You're right.
We'd better get out of here before this thing gets out of hand.
Querida, let's fly away together.
A second honeymoon.
Darling, we've already had a second honeymoon.
Then we'll have a third, a fourth and a fifth.
Darling, we must think about Cousin Itt.
Oh, yes.
Where were we? Obviously being a marriage counselor isn't his cup of tea.
Perhaps his cup of tea is failure.
That's what they used to say about old Cornelius Addams.
And they were right.
But not about Cousin Itt.
He's different.
So he is.
What can we do? What do we always do when we have an insurmountable problem? - Give up.
- Not always.
- This time we'll call an expert.
- An expert.
Where can we find one? - In the phone book.
- Good thinking.
Thing? There we are.
"Vampires.
Vikings.
Vocational guidance.
" Thank you, Thing.
Here's one.
Mortimer Phelps.
Oh, I remember him.
He's the one that helped Cousin Trivia get a career after she got out of the wax.
- WACs? The army? - The museum.
But does he really know about jobs? How to make good at them? He should.
He had hundreds before he became a vocational expert.
Sounds like our man.
I I Goodbye.
On second thought, I'll stay.
Follow me.
Careful, that's imported feathers.
Mr.
Phelps.
Mr.
Phelps.
Addams here.
This is Mrs.
Addams.
Good of you to rush over.
You said it was an emergency.
We didn't really expect you to have to stay the night, though.
These are merely the tools of my trade.
Nowadays vocational guidance is an exact science.
Oh, good.
Then you won't have any trouble finding the exact position for Cousin Itt.
Cousin Itt? From whose side of the family? He's from both sides of the family.
He hasn't quite found himself.
And with Cousin Itt that's not easy.
He looks the same from every angle.
Well, that's the kind of a challenge I like.
In my profession we have one motto, "There's a place for everybody.
" - What was that? - That's Cousin Itt.
I know.
You're wondering why such an attractive young man would have any trouble finding employment.
Now, obviously he'd be no good at basketball.
He hasn't got the stamina.
Darling, we mustn't prejudice Mr.
Phelps.
Let him make up his own mind.
But just on a first impression, where would you say that Cousin Itt belongs? In a mattress.
You don't need a vocational counselor, what you need is a veterinarian.
No, I don't think that would do.
Cousin Itt doesn't like animal husbandry.
Don't rush off, old man.
Remember your motto, "A place for everyone.
" Everyone, not everything.
This project's impossible.
- There isn't enough time or money.
- Money is no object.
Money is Well, then, let's Let's try.
Send him in.
Good.
Cousin Itt, darling, come here.
Someone wants to meet you.
- Is he human? - To a fault.
He'd give you the hair right off his back.
Now first we'll try the perception and coordination test.
Now, the object is to get these blocks together as quickly as possible.
Looks simple.
No, darling, I don't think that's really quite I think this is the way it goes.
Oh, dear, why don't they give instructions with these things? Would you mind letting the subject try it? Not at all.
No, Cousin Itt.
It is not a game.
Would you mind doing that again slowly? I've never been able to get these things together.
It's amazing, isn't it? So that's how it's done.
Yellow one goes Well, let's try something a little more advanced, the Rorschach tests.
By george, I've seen that somewhere before.
Well, of course, they're the Rorschach inkblots.
I have it.
Morticia's inkblot.
That Rorschach did have a touch.
Please? Now tell me what you see.
That's obvious, it's the ancient fertility dance.
- Gomez.
- Modern fertility dance? They're not dancing.
By george, you're right.
It's a bathtub.
Please.
We're trying to test Cousin Itt.
Now what do you see? A bunch of bananas? Oh, the poor dear.
The poor dear is right.
That's what Rorschach says it is.
I still say it's a bathtub.
Now think carefully.
What is this? He says it's a slaughterhouse in Chicago.
Robins singing? Sunrise over Phoenix? Moon over Miami? Why, it's amazing.
He got every one of them right.
Now let's test his imagination.
Now, I'll say a word, and you say whatever word pops into your mind.
- Bird.
- Vulture.
- Molting.
- Mating.
- Nesting.
- Billing.
- Cooing.
- Lips.
- Red.
- Kiss me.
Please! I will not tolerate any more interruptions.
Really, old man, you don't understand true love when you see it.
Darling Gomez, Mr.
Phelps is right.
Itt now.
Us later.
Thank you.
Now if we're all ready Black.
- Love.
- Frustrated.
Mr.
Addams, please let the young man answer for himself.
Love.
Dry.
Good glory, I can understand him.
Of course.
All you have to do is get used to his accent.
Look at the two of them, chatting away in perfect understanding.
It's heartening, isn't it? Perhaps the United Nations will work.
How long has Phelps been in there? Oh, he's been evaluating that data for over three hours now.
- This is nerve-wracking.
- I can't stand it.
Poor Cousin Itt.
He's so nervous, he went up in the tree house with Uncle Fester.
I hope a passing eagle doesn't snatch him up.
Oh, dear, he would make good nesting material, wouldn't he? How long's this gonna take? Cousin Itt's getting so nervous he's starting to stutter.
Patience.
You can't hurry science.
After all, Madame Curie didn't invent the cotton gin in minutes.
- Friends - Well, old man, what's the verdict? Only once in a lifetime does a case like this come along.
Now, you may not realize it, but Cousin Itt is no ordinary person.
Of course not.
He's got an IQ of 320, and that's without his shoes on.
This young man could be a nuclear physicist, an outstanding general, a brilliant surgeon.
Wonderful idea.
He could operate without stooping.
Once he got you open he could look right in.
But there is always the one perfect career.
And for Cousin Itt, with his great compassion and sense of human understanding, that one perfect career is marriage counselor.
You rang? Lurch, show this quack the door.
Yes, Mr.
Addams.
Morticia, we'll have to stop calling in these incompetent experts.
You're so right, darling.
I don't know how he ever got in the phone book.
Oh, but that's a marvelous idea.
- Going to the South Sea Islands to paint.
- Of course, all Itt'll have to do is jump in the paint bucket and roll around on the canvas.
Very colorful.
Both his work and he.
Rather careless of old Phelps to leave his testing blocks behind.
- He did seem to be in a hurry, didn't he? - Yes.
Well, I think I've got it down pat now.
- Give me a fast count to 10 and I'll try it.
- All right, dear.
- One, two, three - That's it, got it.
Are you sure? It looks a little different.
So it does.
Well, poor Cousin Itt must have gotten it wrong.
Now I'll count and you try it.
No, darling.
One genius in the family is enough.
Mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
- It's from Cousin Itt in Pango Pango.
- How's he getting along? Beautifully.
He's the official tourist guide, showing the people the interesting sights.
As a matter of fact, he's become the most interesting sight himself.
He certainly must have won a place in their hearts.
They have his picture on a postage stamp.
Dear Cousin Itt.
Someday he'll become a collector's item.
- He is already.
- Mommy, Daddy.
- Yes, Wednesday, what is it, darling? - May I play with the blocks? Well, of course, dear.
Here, help yourself.
- I think that's a little closer to it.
- Really? Gomez, darling, don't be jealous.
There is room in the family for one and a half geniuses.