The Munsters (1964) s01e32 Episode Script

There you are, Herman! Oh.
Who were you calling? Oh, I was just trying to make an appointment at that new barbershop.
Well, what's wrong with your old barber? Oh, Lily.
He-He always made me very nervous, dear, the way he'd always blindfold himself before he'd give me a shave.
Some of those temperamental hairdressers are such show-offs.
Oh, by the way, Marilyn has a project to do for her course in ancient history.
I'm going to drive her down to the county museum tonight.
Oh, uh Oh, no, you're not, dear.
I am the head of this house, and as such, I will take care of this matter.
All right.
But, uh, just drive her there and then pick her up later.
I don't want you getting in any trouble.
Lily, how could I get in any trouble at a museum? Thatcher, this may turn out to be one of the greatest discoveries in Egyptology a perfectly preserved sarcophagus from the 18th Dynasty.
And you have reason to believe that it's never been opened? No evidence of grave robbers, and the tomb it came from appeared to be completely undisturbed.
And you actually have hope that-that it may be occupied? Well, we can't say one way or the other.
But if it is, this may be the most perfectly preserved mummy since King Tut.
When we open this lid at the press conference tomorrow morning, we may be face-to-face with one of the most incredible and startling sights ever seen by modern man.
[Lily.]
Eddie, what happened to you? Oh, I was taking Spot for a walk, and he chased a car again.
Oh, my.
Did he catch it? No.
He just ate the rear bumper off.
Oh, dear.
He's so playful.
He'll be hiccuping all night.
Say, where's Dad? He took Marilyn to the museum, and now he's down with Grandpa in the lab working on an experiment.
Is it anyone we know? No, dear.
Grandpa's trying to invent some new kind of sleeping pill.
There you are, Herman.
If this pill doesn't put you to sleep, I don't know what will.
[Chuckles.]
Uh But, Grandpa, I can't take a sleeping pill now.
I've got to go down and pick up Marilyn at the museum.
And you know I hate to drive when I'm asleep.
But, Herman, this is not an ordinary sleeping pill.
This is an alarm clock pill.
An alarm clock pill? Yes.
I can set it to put you to sleep and wake you up at any time you want.
Now, uh, it'll only take you a few minutes to pick up Marilyn.
I'll set it to put you to sleep in an hour.
- There.
- Oh, fine! I'm not working tomorrow, so I can sleep late.
Things are a little slack at the parlor.
For the past few days, everything's been going out with nothing coming in.
In that case, [Chuckles.]
You can sleep through the night.
I'll set it for 24 hours.
It'll wake you up at, uh, Oh, fine! Uh, but, Grandpa.
Is it all right to take one of these on an empty stomach? Sure! [Gulps.]
[Crash.]
Well, that really was empty.
Hello, Aunt Lily, Grandpa.
What happened to Uncle Herman? What happened to him? Well, he went down to the museum to pick you up.
Well, I waited for him, but I didn't see him anyplace, so I took a taxi home.
Oh! That Herman! I shouldn't ever let him go anywhere alone! Sometimes he gets so flaky.
Marilyn? [Echoing.]
Marilyn? Marilyn? [Echoing.]
Marilyn? [Echoing.]
Marilyn? [Echoing.]
Marilyn, Marilyn? [Echoing.]
Marilyn, Marilyn, Marilyn, Marilyn? [Echoing.]
? Marilyn, Marilyn, Marilyn, Marilyn Life is but a dream? [Echoing.]
Oh, stop it, Herman.
You're not here to have fun.
Oh, I guess she's gone.
I must have missed her.
Mmm! [Sighs.]
Hmm.
Locked.
Darn! Well, I'll just have to rip it off its hinges.
No.
Better not.
It does not behoove a good citizen to desecrate cultural landmarks.
I'll just telephone the proper authorities and have them let me out.
Must be a telephone booth around here somewhere.
Oh! Hi, there! Uh, we have a little fella just like you at home.
[Kissing Noises.]
Oh.
There are the phone booths.
[Chuckling.]
Hmm.
Fancy ones.
Oh! Uh, oh, excuse me, sir.
I didn't know this phone was taken.
Uh, I'll use the one over there.
Uh, sorry.
Huh.
Door seems to be stuck.
[Creaking.]
Hmm.
No one in here.
You'd think they could put a light in these things.
Just hope I can get this call through before Grandpa's pill hits me.
Uh, let's see.
Where's the phone? Say, there.
Uh, say there.
Uh, listen.
Someone closed the door.
Uh, who closed the door? [Muttering.]
Say, is there anyone out there? Uh, say, listen.
Someone let me out.
! Let me out.
! Let me out.
! In other words, Dr.
Wilkerson, you expect to find a fully preserved mummy when you open this sarcophagus.
That is our hope, gentlemen and lady.
From the carvings and hieroglyphics on the case, we believe this to be from the tomb of Ahmenhotep IV.
We're quite disturbed by the fact that last night we left the sarcophagus upright, and this morning we found it here on its back.
Yes.
We're not saying that anyone tried to steal it, but we do know that a find such as this would be quite valuable to any rival museum.
Do you have any worries about a curse on this mummy case, like there was on, uh, King Tut's tomb? No, we're men of science.
Whatever we find in here you can be quite sure will not frighten us.
Thatcher? Doctor, it's amazing! He almost looks as though he's sleeping! It's the most skillful job of embalming I've ever seen.
It's a great tribute to their ancient art.
Observe only slight traces of deterioration around the edges.
I'm sorry.
We've got to close the lid of the sarcophagus immediately.
We have no idea what effect the air may have on this ancient mummy.
Careful, Thatcher.
We'll open it again after we've gathered together some of the top Egyptologists from all over the world.
Do you plan to ship this to one of the large museums in the East? Not at all.
This is our discovery.
Matter of fact, I don't mind telling you that the contents of this sarcophagus will leave this room over my dead body.
It's no use.
I can't eat my supper.
I'm so worried about Herman! Aunt Lily, wherever he is, when Uncle Herman wakes up, he'll come home.
'Course he will! I'm sure he's still asleep, 'cause every time I try to tune him in on my crystal ball, all I get is a herringbone pattern.
He probably holed up someplace and fell asleep.
Are you sure that silly sleeping pill of yours will wake him up at 10:00 tonight? Sure, I'm sure.
I'd bet one of my lives on it.
Mom! Marilyn! Grandpa! I found Pop! You found Herman? Where is he? Right in the front page of this evening's newspaper.
[Grandpa.]
"Local museum makes astounding find.
"Ancient mummy discovered.
"An ancient sarcophagus was opened today by the curator of the county museum, Dr.
Wilkerson.
" L-Look here.
! Under Herman's picture.
! "May be Ahmenhotep IV who ruled in the 18th Dynasty"? [Gasps.]
This is terrible! Uncle Herman in a box in a museum! Gee, Mom.
How do you suppose it happened? I don't know, Eddie, but it looks as if your father has goofed it again! What's all this about a woman waiting to see me? Well, I thought you'd better see this one, Doctor.
There she is.
Who What is it? I don't know, sir.
But I think we ought to be, uh, very nice to her.
It could be another one of those Hollywood actresses come to make a donation.
Yes, well, if they want to throw their money away on culture, who are we to turn 'em down? Uh, miss, this is our curator, Dr.
Wilkerson.
How do you do? I was just admiring your museum.
You have such lovely dead things on exhibit.
Thank you.
Now, how can we help you, madam.
Well, I came about this article and picture in the newspaper.
You see, he's mine.
You mean, he's your mummy? Oh, no.
No.
He's my husband.
Now, if you'll show me where he is, I would like to talk to him.
"Talk to him"? I'm afraid that's not too practical, madam.
You see, this man is He is no such thing! I happen to know that he's not a day over 150.
Do you think I'd marry an old man? Now, will you please take me to my husband.
Uh, will you excuse us for a moment? What What do you think we should do, Doctor? Well, she seems quite disturbed, and we don't want her to make a scene.
Perhaps if we show her the mummy, she'll stop insisting it's her husband.
Oh, good idea.
No woman in the world would claim to be married to anything that looks like that.
Well, here we are.
Will you give me a hand here, Thatcher? Oh, yeah.
[Grunting.]
[Creaking.]
Well, there you are.
- What do you have to say now? - Yes, that's Herman, all right.
He looks just like a little boy when he's asleep.
Asleep? Herman.
Herman, it's time to wake up.
Uh, pussycat, it's time to go bye-bye.
Madam, I really don't think he's going to wake up.
You see [Gasps.]
You know, you're right.
I forgot.
He wasn't set to wake up till 10:00.
Oh, dear.
I really must do my shopping.
Would you do me a favor? A f A favor? Yes.
Here's two dollars.
Now, when he wakes up, would you put him in a cab and send him home? - Put him in a cab? - Yes.
He knows the address.
It's 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
Oh, and by the way, ask Herman to give the driver a fifty-cent tip.
Good-bye, now.
Oh, and you two have been just a couple of sweethearts.
What do you think, Thatcher? Well, sir, when the when the visitors start looking weirder than the exhibits, I think it's time to get out of the museum business.
Nonsense.
I think she's some kind of a plant to size up our layout.
This morning, we found the sarcophagus on its side, and now she uses that ridiculous story to come in here and get a look at our mummy.
Then you really think someone is definitely trying to steal our mummy.
We can't afford to take any chances.
We'll post a 24-hour guard, and I want you to stay here all night and don't take your eyes off that sarcophagus.
Right, Dr.
Wilkerson.
[Banging Continues.]
Come in! Come in! Hmm.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello.
Hello.
Hello? Hello? Is anyone out there? Yes.
I'm out here.
- Where are you? - I'm in here.
You can't be in here.
I'm in here.
Oh.
Hi.
[Yawning.]
I was dead to the world.
[Laughing.]
Some stupid idiot locked the door! - Oh, that can be annoying.
- [Screaming.]
Oh, now, wasn't that nice of him to open the door for me like that? [Yipping.]
Here's your favorite soup, dear cream of vulture.
Oh! Thank you, Lily.
Poor Uncle Herman.
You had such a terrible experience! It's real neat having you back, Pop.
While you were gone, I had to mess up my homework by myself.
It proves one thing My sleeping pill works.
Yes, but, Grandpa, you don't know how it feels to wake up in a cold, clammy box.
What do you mean? I do it every morning! Pop, are you gonna sue the newspaper for calling you a dead mummy? Oh, I think not, Eddie.
We shouldn't be too hasty to retaliate when someone treats us ill.
In other words, one who fights fire with fire only gets in trouble with Smokey the Bear.
Hot! [Gasping.]
[Dishes Shattering.]
What do you mean, the mummy got out of his case and walked out of here? But he did, Doctor! He got out, and he spoke to me and everything! If you don't believe me, ask the gorilla! I'll tell you what happened.
You went to sleep in there, and someone broke in the door and stole our mummy.
No, Doctor.
No.
No.
They've probably been planning this ever since we put that story in the paper.
The type of gang who steals paintings and other objects of art.
But we do have one clue.
The woman who came in here with that ridiculous story gave us an address uh, 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
Well, what are you gonna do? First, I'm demoting you to custodian of our seashell collection.
Then I'll pick up a search warrant and a couple of officers and go over there.
That mummy is my passport to fame in the museum world.
If they have it anywhere on the premises, I'll have it back in its rightful place by nightfall.
Grandpa, I do not want to take another one of your sleeping pills.
The last time I did, it got me in big trouble.
It's very embarrassing, you know, to be taken for a dumb old mummy.
Herman, I've got this pill set for half an hour.
I'll sit right here till you wake up.
Nothing can possibly happen.
I don't want to take another pill! I don't wanna! I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Herman, if you take this pill like a good little boy, I'll give you a piece of candy.
I don't wanna! I don't wanna! I don't wanna! I d With a caramel center? With a caramel center.
When I wake up, will you give me another one? When you wake up, you can have a whole boxful.
Goody! [Chuckling.]
But my stomach's kind of empty again.
It won't hurt a thing.
[Gulps.]
[Clanging, Ricocheting.]
Lily always said you had a cast-iron stomach.
She must be right.
Yeah.
Uh Grandpa, your pill's not having any effect.
It's not even I tell you.
We don't have any mummy here.
I explained to you before, that was my husband you had at your old museum.
And as I told you before, madam, we have a search warrant, and we intend to search this house.
Oh, Aunt Lily, what are we going to do? We'll just have your Uncle Herman tell this man to his face that he is not Ahmenhotep IV.
I'm his wife.
I certainly should know whether he was dead or not.
Now, he's down here.
You can go down and talk to him yourself.
I have lunch to get.
Come on, Marilyn.
Boy, what a weird setup! Listen, anybody who'd steal mummies has to be a little weird.
There's nobody down here.
Wait a minute.
There's something there on this table.
This is it.
This is what we're after.
Shall we, uh, arrest those people upstairs? No, we'll uh We'll get it back to the museum first.
We'll prosecute later.
Yeah, well, let's get out of here.
This place gives me the creeps.
[Grunting.]
Boy.
I was on the drunk detail for four years.
I never saw anybody as stiff as this.
Lily! Lily! Lily! What is it, Grandpa? What is it? What is it? I looked out the upstairs window, and some man put Herman in a station wagon and took him away! Took him away? But why? They just went down to the dungeon to talk to him.
They couldn't have talked to him.
I gave him another one of my sleeping pills, and he was sound asleep! Oh, Grandpa! Why can't you experiment on white mice like any other normal mad scientist? Now I suppose Herman will take another 24-hour catnap in that sarcophagus.
No, Lily.
This sleeping pill was set for only a half an hour.
Oh! What What do you think will happen now? I don't know, Lily.
But when Herman wakes up in the back of that station wagon, those men better have a box of candy with them.
Boy, this is the wildest assignment I've ever been on.
But it was worth it to me.
The unearthing of Ahmenhotep IV will put me on every front page in the country.
Has this guy really been in the ground 3,000 years? Yes.
Perhaps longer.
I'll tell you one thing.
He looks better than my mother-in-law does right now.
[Herman Guffawing.]
You know, there's only three of us here.
I could've sworn I heard four of us laughing.
Uh, you know, that's a good one.
Uh, listen.
Speaking of mother-in-law jokes, did you ever hear [Men Shouting.]
[Tires Screeching.]
- Oh! - Clear out! Clear out! [Crash.]
Uh, taxi? Taxi?