The Munsters (1964) s01e33 Episode Script

Herman, would you like to go to a movie tonight? Oh, thank you, dear, but I'm working on my hobby.
Uh, Herman? Hmm? You're supposed to build the ship inside the bottle.
How are you gonna get it in when it's finished? No trouble at all, dear.
It's easy when you cheat.
Grandpa, how 'bout you? Would you like to take me to the movies? Movies? What's playing? To Kill a Werewolf and Vampires of Blood Alley.
Lily, I go to the movies for escapism.
I don't wanna see everyday people doing everyday things.
Besides, I have to help Eddie with his homework.
Oh.
Again? How about Marilyn? Maybe she'll go with me.
She went over to one of her girlfriend's home.
Well, that's it.
Hmph.
Herman has his hobbies, Grandpa and Eddie study together, Marilyn has her school friends, and what do I have? Absolutely nothing.
Well, I'm not just gonna sit around here and deteriorate.
Why not? I've been doing it for years.
Well, even if I'm not needed around here, I can still make a useful contribution to society.
I'm going to get a job! - Ajob? - AJob? Ajob! Oh, Marilyn, here's one: "Secretary wanted.
Must type 120 words a minute.
" She can't even write a note to the milkman without a dictionary.
There's one, Aunt Lily.
"Comptometer operator wanted.
" "Comptometer operator.
" She'd probably get the thing out in traffic and hit somebody.
Well, Marilyn, I have six or seven ads circled here.
I want to get started early.
Would you come upstairs with me and help me choose something nice to wear to the interviews? I want to look my very best.
Yes, Aunt Lily.
It's very important you make a good impression.
You know something, Grandpa? I think she's very serious about getting a job, and I am totally against it! What am I gonna do? Herman, listen to me.
Lily is not going to get a job.
She has no experience.
Take my advice and just ignore the whole thing.
You don't think I should stand up to her? Order her to give up this idea and put my foot down as lord and head of the household.
No, I don't.
Well, good, 'cause every time I do that, she laughs at me.
Well, Mr.
Franklin? L I'm sorry, Mrs.
Munster, but I just remembered.
We filled this position this morning.
[Engine Starts.]
Ready now, Irving.
This is Colette.
[Sighs.]
That will do, Colette.
But he didn't say anything.
His eyes plainly said no.
Well! Next, this is Millicent.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
I think not, Millicent.
I hope he gets a concussion.
Irving, my new line of clothes is not designed for the Northwest Mounted Police.
I need a model.
A model who is different.
Someone with a, a warm, exotic flamboyance.
Someone, in short, my dear Irving, who has great flair! There's more waiting, Mr.
Brastoff.
Would you come in, please? This is Lily.
That's what I call flair! Oh! Thank you.
[Laughs.]
Irving, she's enchanting.
Tell those other girls they can go home now.
Yes, Mr.
Brastoff.
Lily.
Lily, my dear, I don't know when I've seen a model who so perfectly reflects the exotic and mysterious appeal of my new line of dresses.
Oh! Oh, thank you.
You see, what I am trying to do here is to recreate the kind of allure that was reflected by women like, oh, Theda Bara.
They called her "The Vamp.
" That's short for "vampire.
" But, of course, you wouldn't know anything about that.
Oh, yes, I would! That's a very common nickname in my family.
Anyway, what I'm attempting here also in certain of my dresses is to bring back an era that is gone.
I'm trying to revive the dead, if you like.
If I like? I've always thought that was a fun thing.
Lily, I can just picture my customers' faces at my next showing when you come out in a Lazlo Brastoff original creation and float around the room.
Oh! Like this? Lily, you're magnificent! Oh! I rush to embrace you! Ah-ah-ah! Tut-tut, Mr.
Brastoff.
Lily, you're hired! Grandpa, it's bad enough having my wife working, but I just cannot stand for Lily being a fashion model.
Now, Herman, let's not be too hasty.
It may not be all bad.
After all, modeling is a very respectable profession.
Well, maybe.
And she'll make good money, and the work is easy.
Why, all she has to do is just put on the latest creations and walk up and down in front of the customers.
Well, I guess you could be right.
- Now, when these men - Men? Well, you know.
Most of the out-of-town buyers are men.
You know what they look like.
You've seen their pictures in the magazines.
Those handsome, well-dressed fellows with two or three chicks on each arm.
I'll bet those rascals have a ball every day just sitting there and watching those models come out in negligees and swimsuits [Chuckling.]
And take 'em out to dinner at night.
You ain't kiddin', Herman.
Boy, I tell you.
There must be a lot of hanky-panky goes on in that business.
[Laughing.]
I just remembered.
The hanky they'll be playing panky with is my wife.
You know, you're right.
It's not only your wife, it's my daughter.
Lily! Lily! You come right down here this minute! I am not gonna let her take that job, and that's that! Uncle Herman, you were calling Aunt Lily? You're darn right I was.
I want you to get that man-chasing home-wrecker right down here, tout de suite.
! You can't mean Aunt Lily.
I can and I do.
Now get her down here! Well, I'm afraid I can't, Uncle Herman.
You see, she left about an hour ago for her modeling job.
But She left an hour ago for her modeling job.
[Grunts.]
Well, Herman, what do you think of that? I'm so mad, I could go right through the ceiling! [Crash.]
Herman! Herman, will you come down here and talk this thing over sensibly? This is no time to be hiding in the attic! Eddie, have you seen your father and Grandpa? Oh, they're down in the dungeon working on something.
It must be real neat because when I knocked on the dungeon door, they told me to get lost.
You suppose they're figuring out some way to keep Mom from working? Eddie, where did you hear about that? Some people have awfully big ears.
Neat, isn't it? Grandpa, what are you doing with all these little jars? Well, Herman, if Lily's going to have a job as a model, we are gonna fight fire with fire.
You mean we're gonna burn down the place where she's working? No, Herman.
If she is gonna make you jealous, you are gonna make her jealous by becoming a playboy.
Oh! You know, I've always fancied myself as a playboy.
GeorgieJessel has always been my idol.
Yeah, well, my instant disguises are a little more up to date than that.
Mel Torme.
Dean Martin.
"Pat Boone"? How did that get in here? "Mr.
Clean"? Herman, don't laugh.
He's a real big swinger when he's not making commercials.
Don't let that earring fool ya.
Oh! Here it is! [Laughs.]
Frank Sinatra.
Oh, good, good, fine.
Give me one of those.
[Laughing.]
You know, I've always felt rather simpatico with Frankie.
Okay, Herman, down the hatch.
[Gulps.]
Ring-a-ding-ding.
What's the matter, Grandpa? Don't I grab you? No, Herman.
You're not as young as you used to be.
I don't think you're up to being Sinatra.
In fact, these days, I don't know if Sinatra is up to being Sinatra.
Let me see now.
"Mickey Rooney.
'" "Cesar Romero.
" No, no.
Richard Burton.
Oh, good.
But I'm surprised they let these in the country.
Don't you see they're marked "for adults only"? Ain't exactly taking kiddies' aspirin there.
There you go, Herman.
Cheerio.
[Gulps.]
To be or not to be.
That is the question.
No.
No, I don't think so, Grandpa.
I just want to make Lily jealous, not drive her out of her mind.
Listen, Herman, if you're going to be a playboy, I've got just the thing.
[Laughs.]
A Texas playboy! Why are the Texas pills so big? Well, only one-eighth is chemical.
The rest is baloney.
Go ahead.
Force it down.
[Gulps.]
Y'all come by and see us at the ranch anytime, hear? [Laughing.]
Oh, Herman, you're irresistible! Any woman who saw you now would just flip her lid.
Uncle Herman, will you be home for lunch? [Laughing.]
Oh, Uncle Herman, you're the funniest thing I've ever seen in my whole life! What are you trying to do, gonna play cowboys and Indians with Eddie? No, I'm not.
And furthermore, I won't be home for lunch.
Oh, all right.
[Continues Laughing.]
If I'm so irresistible, how come Marilyn laughed at me? Herman, I think I better put a little insurance in this package.
Now, when you walk into that shop where Lily is modeling, you are going to have a beautiful girl on your arm.
But I don't want to go there with a strange girl.
Herman, please.
I'll mix one up for you.
And now, I'm gonna add a touch of 36-25-36.
I'll have a beautiful girl for you in ten seconds.
Grandpa, are you sure this will work? Well, l Herman, of course it'll work! It'll work 100 percent! [Grandpa's Voice.]
Well, what do you think, big boy? I guess I'll have to settle for 80 percent.
Come on, Herman.
Let's get going.
Uh, you know something, Grandpa? Every husband should have a father-in-law just like you.
[Woman Announcing.]
Here we see Carlotta again, this time in a sparkling two-piece ensemble.
So correct and charming for both those special parties and delightful home entertaining.
And now for his most exclusive collection, Lazlo Brastoff presents a beautiful pure silk suit in tones ofblue.
Oh, beautiful.
! Beautiful.
! Well, thank you, Mr.
Brastoff.
No, not you.
The suit! Lily.
! Mmm.
! You are magnifiicent.
! Oh, Lily, you are out of this world.
Oh, thank you, but I haven't been there for years.
Mr.
Brastoff, I have such news for you that I think I shall just go to pieces.
Irving, you're stealing my thunder.
Girls, in the audience and I saw it with my own eyes there's a wealthy Texan with his girlfriend! He would have his girlfriend.
That's exactly what I'm in the market for a wealthy Texan.
I guess you wouldn't be interested, though, would you, Lily? Oh, my! Certainly not.
I have the most wonderful.
Handsome, sweetest, kindest man waiting at home for me.
Oh, lucky you.
! I could travel to the four corners of the earth, and I'd never find anybody like that.
Ah, true, true.
Mmm! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Now another Brastoff triumph.
Sheer magic, as worn by one of our top models, Lily Munster.
[Woman.]
Lily is featuring one of the true Lazlo Brastoff originals black velvet pants with a lovely leopard top.
The hat is Russian fox and is ostentatiously detailed by the specially designed lengthy fox stole.
Now isn't that exquisite? It's working beautifully, Herman.
Did you see that look on her face when she spotted us? Wasn't that something? [Chuckling.]
Just keep ignoring her.
Yeah.
Grandpa, you've had a lot of ideas in your time, but this is Grandpa.
Grandpa.
The cigar, the cigar.
Oh, yeah, I forgot myself.
Wha Here.
[Chuckles.]
Wait'll Lily comes out again.
This time we'll really lay it on thick.
She'll quit her job right on the spot.
Here we see Carlotta again, this time in a sparkling two-piece ensemble.
So correct and charming for both those special parties and delightful home entertaining.
The top is pure silk with a tapered full-length sheet of ivory silk.
What a wolf! Did you see that look that Texan gave me? This is working out great.
[Chuckling.]
Watch it.
Here she comes.
- Now this time, Lily truly sparkles.
- How am I doin', Herman? Great.
I'll tell you one thing, Grandpa.
It's a whole lot better than when you turned yourself into a frog.
Diamond-studded shoes add an extra touch ofbrilliance to one of Lazlo Brastoff's most beautiful and eye-catching originals.
Lily, you're sure to be the belle of any ball.
Lovely.
Thank you.
What happened? Grab the chair! Oh, this is terrible! Here, help me pull it off! [Woman.]
Somebody do something.
! Oh, my, my! Madam, I'm so terribly sorry! Oh, this is terrible.
Watch it, buster! Huh? What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a girl before? Say, listen, you.
Take your hands off my grandfather.
Grandfather? Lazlo Brastoff, you have had it.
But, Lily, dear, you've got to believe me.
It was just a misunderstanding.
Huh! The next thing you'll be telling me is that blonde on your arm was Grandpa.
But I tell you, it was Grandpa! You got that job modeling, and I was just trying to make you jealous.
Oh, that is the most ridiculous story I have ever heard! But, Lily, it's true! Grandpa's downstairs now, getting the potion.
And when he comes walking through that door as a beautiful girl, you're gonna throw yourself in my arms and beg forgiveness just like Constance Bennett does on the late, late show.
[Knocking.]
There's Grandpa now.
[Chuckling.]
Come in, dear.
But, Grandpa, you're not a girl at all! What happened? What happened? It's empty.
Somebody drank the rest of the potion.
Oh, now I've heard everything! But, Lily! Lily, dear [Knocking.]
Can I come in, Mom? Yes, Eddie.
Eddie, what happened to you? I don't know.
I drank something in Grandpa's lab I thought was a soft drink and now look what happened.
It's true! Oh, Herman! Oh, Herman, please forgive me for ever doubting you.
Thank you, Constance Bennett.
Grandpa, how long will I stay this way? I don't know.
Two, maybe three hours.
Give you a chance to learn how the other half lives.
But I've gotta pitch on the school baseball team this afternoon.
What will I do? Pray for rain or learn to pitch underhanded.