Batman (1966) s01e34 Episode Script

Batman Last night we saw an unwitting victim.
.
fall for a fishy trap.
Caught by the finny fiends.
Umbrellas.
.
The sign of the Penguin.
The Caped Crusader is on the trail.
A brainwashed butler.
He remembered nothing.
Batman was baffled.
The meeting of the millionaires.
And their worthy causes.
Could they be part of.
.
a Penguin plot? A clue.
.
send the dynamic duo to a fishing pier.
Alone in a forest of umbrellas.
Beware, Batman! Too late! Into the vacuum tank.
Less air.
Less.
Less.
And when the last balloon bursts.
.
Wait! The last gasp is yet to come.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Na na na na na na na na na Batman Hold.
.
Hold on, Robin.
Hold on.
They're still breathing.
How in the name of purple wombats do they manage that? Check the air indicator.
Not enough for a mouse.
Mouse? It's too much.
Let it drop below Butterfly.
Pull it out much faster.
Suck the air out faster.
Ah! That's better.
Now, my little polly let me know the instant it drops below Butterfly.
Well, hello, my leather-lunged adversary.
Let me see you try to breathe now.
Butterfly! Butterfly, Batman.
Butterfly.
'Watch the bouncing balloons.
' 'Going, going.
.
' 'gone!' They're done for! They're, both of them, done for! Hip hip hurray! Hip hip hurray! Oh, fondest dreams.
.
Oh, secret hopes.
.
At last, I have defeated the dynamic duo.
What are we standing here for? Off we go.
Off we go.
But, boss, don't we gotta get rid of the bodies? Yeah.
First things first.
First we establish an alibi and then we destroy the evidence.
Move move move already.
I must find me a fine-fitting alibi.
Quick, hurry! Robin.
Wake up, Robin.
'And once I freed Robin' 'I carried him out' 'of Penguin's vacuum tank' 'to the Batmobile' 'and here we are.
' Well, I can understand how you got away but one thing puzzles me.
You say it was a vacuum tank.
If so, what did you breathe? He breathed air, chief.
But there wasn't no air.
But there was.
The emergency tank of bat-oxygen right here in my utility belt.
After cutting my bonds with my bat-knife.
.
The rest was simple.
Thank the saints for the utility belt.
Holy oxygen! It's a good thing one of us thought of that.
Incredible.
- Isn't it, chief? - Yes, sir.
Only you could be so resourceful.
Only you could put that pusillanimous Penguin to flight.
The salt fishing pier, you say? I'll have the dragnet out in ten minutes.
I'll put Penguin back up the river before he can bat an eye.
It's no use, Chief O'Hara.
Not even a dragnet could trap him now.
He got away? We scoured the entire pier.
By the time Robin and I were free the Penguin had fled.
But don't fret about it, Chief O'Hara we'll have another chance.
Another chance? I don't see how.
You're forgetting the Penguin's plot, commissioner.
The millionaire's award dinner.
Jumpin' codfish, it's all we have.
Now, he won't give that up, will he? Not when there's 12 million in cash involved.
What shall we do, Batman? Stop him of course, commissioner.
But how? We don't even know where the dinner is.
No, we don't.
But there's one man who does.
The man who arranged the entire dinner in the first place.
Multimillionaire Bruce Wayne.
Good thinking, Batman.
Of course! Bruce Wayne.
Contact him immediately.
You should be able to reach him in his mansion.
Then call me.
I shall arrange a counterplot.
Right.
Bruce! Mr.
Gordon, how are you? In need of help, Bruce.
Your ward, Dick Grayson, told me I could find you here.
I'm flattered.
How can I help Gotham City Police Department? Well, information is what we need most at the moment.
Uh.
.
We must know where the millionaire's award dinner will take place.
Why is that information so important, commissioner? We're expecting the Penguin to strike again.
The dinner will be held in the captain's dining saloon aboard the flagship of the Wayne Steamship Company.
The S.
S.
Gotham Neptune.
Thank you, Bruce.
Now, you must excuse me I have a multitude of details to work out.
Yes, of course, commissioner.
He's right here, sir.
Yes, commissioner? You spoke to Bruce Wayne.
And? Good.
Call him back and tell him.
.
Of course, commissioner, I'll assist in any way I can to help you and Batman trap Penguin.
You want our little group of multimillionaires to do what? The rest is quite simple really.
Word has been leaked via the underworld grapevine that the millionaire award dinner will be held.
.
here.
'Wayne Manor.
' But it will not be held there.
Instead, it will actually be held.
.
here.
'In the captain's dining saloon' aboard the flagship of the Wayne Steamship Line.
The Gotham Neptune.
Holy rudder! You mean that while that dinner's being held onboard.
.
meanwhile-- Meanwhile, the Penguin and his criminal cohorts will close in on the mansion.
Right into the arms of the waiting place.
Golly, Alfred, it's a perfect plan, isn't it? Perfection indeed, Master Robin.
The police to pounce on the Penguin 'Batman and you at the banquet' to safeguard the millions.
And speaking of perfection, sir if you'd excuse me, I have much to prepare.
The menu for the banquet.
Everything from caviar to crepes suzette.
Not to mention the giant cake out of which will pop the young lady chosen to represent the charity this year.
Yes, indeed, sir.
Oh, and, sir.
.
Yes, Alfred? Which young lady has been chosen? The honor falls to Ms.
Natural Resources.
She is our chosen charity for the year.
Very good, sir.
Holy jitterbugs! That twitch again.
Poor fellow.
But he was kidnapped.
Batman, I have a horrible thought.
Can we trust Alfred? Implicitly, Robin.
I trust Alfred implicitly.
Mr.
Wayne's residence.
Alfred speaking.
Who is that speaking? Who else but Penguin? Remember, Alfred? I remember.
The time and place of the millionaire's dinner.
Report.
Word has been leaked via the underworld grapevine that the millionaire's award dinner will be held here.
Here? Where? Wayne Manor.
But.
.
But what? Answer, you soporific servitor! But it will not be held here.
- Actually, it will be held.
.
- 'Yes?' in the captain's dining saloon.
.
And? Onboard the flagship of the Wayne Steamship Line.
- 'Yes?' - The Gotham Neptune.
The Gotham Neptune.
And the winning charity? Ms.
Natural Resources.
Good.
You have remembered.
Now, you will forget.
Hello? Hello? Hmph.
No one there.
That's fine.
Now, come on.
Batman is on his way up.
- We gotta be ready.
- Batman? I thought Bruce Wayne was gonna escort me.
He's out of town, Batman is filling in.
Stand still, will you? All you gotta do is jump out of that cake and let him throw money at you.
Hey, what's this? What are you doing? Quick, quick, my little goldfish.
Quick, quick, you fumbling finks.
Hurry, hurry, hurry! Out! Courage, my little haddock.
Psst.
Psst.
Ms.
Natural Resources? Yes.
And you're my escort.
I'm so thrilled.
- I trust you like orchids.
- I love them.
They're my favorite.
Do you mind if I put them on in the elevator? Well, it's so drafty standing here.
No, of course not.
How rude of me not to have noticed.
Oh, by the way, have you ever popped out of a cake before? No.
But I've been practicing.
Good.
Then there should be no trouble at all.
No trouble.
Two hours later.
.
aboard the gaudy Gotham Neptune.
.
- Nice dinner, Alfred.
- Thank you, sir.
Mint? Or would you prefer a chocolate almond? No, thank you.
Say, Batman, isn't it about time? I'm very anxious to donate my million dollars.
Shall I bring in the piece de resistance, sir? Piece de resistance? French, sir.
It refers to the feature of the evening.
Oh, yes.
Of course! The giant cake.
Yes.
Yes, Alfred.
As Mr.
Wayne's stand-in it's my job to keep things moving.
You may fetch it now.
At once, sir.
You may come out now, young lady.
Millionaire's row.
Down they go like diamond-studded ten-pin.
Batman! Master Robin! Oh, what have I done? My.
.
Get the loot, then back to the pier.
The pier? But, boss, the fuzz know all about the pier.
Wise up, you finny fools.
They found it empty.
That's the last place they'd expect me to go.
Victory for the fishy foul.
Can this be? Unmoving, silent.
.
the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder.
Oh, gloom! Oh, doom! Boss, you got it! Let's see it, boss.
The money.
The millions.
Feast your eye there.
Makes me mouth water.
How about our cut? You wanna swallow the whole thing in a gulp, do you? Here, my fine finny finks.
Here's a few hundred fish for the hors d'oeuvres.
Hey, boss, you know what I'll do with my cut? I'm going to the South Seas and open up a school for pirates.
Do what you like but with my giant share I'm going to put it in the safe.
Not for me the simple life blowing under the breadfruit tree.
No, my share will be used for nobler purposes.
To escalate the cause of crime.
- What crime, boss? - Well, the bigger, the better.
Now that I'm rich, I can bribe, I can borrow I can scheme, I can connive.
What's the matter, Finella? You look forlorn.
Maybe she's cold, boss.
She forgot her fur coat.
That's the problem, huh? Here, buy another.
Buy a dozen of them.
Now you stop that.
Stop it.
I can't stand the gurgling of tears.
No, I can't take it.
It's not mine.
Not the coat, not the money.
Not anything.
Just because I wanted to win a beauty contest.
Ah, my little gold pigeon, little tadpole, you did win it.
When you popped out of that giant popover and we won this! No.
I cheated.
And you cheated.
And that's for charity, not for cheats.
Who's gonna save our natural resources now? 'Good girl' The dynamic duo! You have learned your lesson.
Crime never pays.
- Batman! - But it can't be.
We gassed you at the party.
We prepared ourselves beforehand with anti-Penguin gas pills.
Beat me back here to boot, but you'll never get me alive.
No! Robin! Hoist in your own evil net.
You'll pay for this.
Not before you do, Penguin.
Behind bars.
Robin, call the police.
Tell them the culprit is theirs.
Alfred! Oh, may I have some of that please? Oh.
Thank you.
Isn't this a lovely party? Yes, isn't it? Oh, I do hope all that money will be safe this time.
You may rest assured, madam.
Now that the Penguin is in the pen Mr.
Wayne says that the award dinner will proceed in complete safety.
Oh.
No, I don't know any more than what was in the newspapers.
Just that Batman and Robin came to the rescue.
And in the nick of time, if I may say so, Master Dick.
Excuse me, will you? I shudder when I think of what might have been.
That was not your fault, Alfred.
Oh, but it was.
Allowing myself to be brainwashed by Penguin.
I gave away the whole plot.
On the contrary, Alfred without you.
.
Batman would have never succeeded.
Sir, you mean, you knew that I was brainwashed? We certainly did.
That's why Batman made sure you had the information so that you in turn could pass it on to Penguin.
We were all prepared, Alfred.
Even pretending to be unconscious when Finella popped out of the cake and used the gas umbrella.
And speaking of Ms.
Finella.
.
I see that you got my invitation but I never thought that you would make it.
I brought her down for the party myself.
I'm so happy to be here.
And, oh, thank you, for the coat.
I don't deserve it.
But we millionaires decided that you do.
After all, did you not assist Batman and Robin in capturing the-- Please, don't mention his name.
When I think that I almost helped him get away with all those millions.
Almost, but not quite, little lady.
That's why we managed to get permission for you.
That Batman, such a wonderful person.
Mr.
Wayne, do you think that I'll ever get to see him again? Who knows, my dear? Perhaps, someday you may.
Now, may I help you with your wrap? - Oh.
- It's alright.
You're amongst friends here.
Take it.
Well, someday when you've paid your debts to society you may be released from prison not only for one day but forever.
Oh.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Na na na na na na na Batman