Dirty Jobs (2005) s01e34 Episode Script

1 Hey, I'm Mike rowe.
Mike rowe.
Mike rowe.
Mike rowe.
Mike rowe.
And this And this is My job.
This is my job.
My job.
It's my job.
It's my job.
My job.
My job.
I explore the country looking for people who aren't afraid to get dirty hardworking men and women who earn an honest living doing the kinds of jobs that make civilized life possible for the rest of us.
Hey, hey, Mike.
Come on back up here and get to work.
Quit playing around down there.
Now Get ready.
Get ready.
Get ready.
Get ready To get dirty.
Coming up on this special "dirty jobs," it's a milestone in television history, an event years in the making.
What am I talking about? I'm talking about this My 100th dirty job.
Rowe: Whoa! For number 100, I report for duty in the 187th ordnance battalion.
Quit flapping your gums and do some work! These soldiers keep the army rolling.
Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! And it's dangerous work in the field And in the shop.
Rowe: Oh, geez.
Plus, to celebrate job 100, I'll be sharing viewer mail My favorite outtakes A peek behind the scenes And a never-before-seen dirty job that went, oh, so wrong.
Close the door, for god's sakes.
And then to celebrate my 100th dirty job, we've created a minor masterpiece of entertainment excellence.
It's classy.
Well, maybe not that classy.
But it is dirty.
Stick around.
It'll make Dave happy.
Captions by vitac captions paid for by discovery communications [ coughing .]
Hey, you want to see something really disgusting? I'm warning you, it's filthy I mean dirty, dirty, dirty.
If you got a weak stomach, you might want to leave the room.
If you got small children around, you might want to cover their eyes.
Last chance.
Here it is My résumé.
Look at that 99 dirty jobs in just over a year.
What a mess.
Not just 99 different jobs 99 different hats, 99 different bosses, 99 misadventures in grime and slime and overtime.
I don't know whether to be proud or horrified by the year I've just had, and the truth is my crew and I haven't even had time to properly look back and reflect on all the places and people and poo that have helped make this series a success.
Tonight, though, that's all going to change.
Tonight we Mark a celebration in televised torment My 100th dirty job.
It will be a 2-hour celebration complete with all kinds of never-before-seen, behind-the-scenes footage that will shed light on the secret workings of a greased, well-oiled machine that is our crew In other words, profoundly embarrassing moments.
It'll also celebrate a truly great job, befitting of the 100th.
The fact is you know the owner of the company that I'm about to visit.
He's your uncle.
He's my uncle.
Goes by the name of Sam.
And, incredibly, against all odds, uncle Sam wants me.
[ Shouting Cadence .]
Well, this is how bravo company gets their day started every morning The 187th ordnance battalion.
These guys are all in training to be mechanics, believe it or not.
The top 20% of the most physically fit will go on to become elite mechanics.
Why do you need to be fit to be a mechanic? I don't know, but I do know I'm falling behind.
When your car gets stuck on the side of the road, it's a pain in the neck.
When your car gets stuck in the desert, it's a matter of life and death.
This is one of the experts that we're going to talk to today and hopefully learn how to get this thing out.
Sergeant winstead, how are you? I'm good, Mike, how are you? I'm okay, I think.
This is one stuck Jeep you got here.
Most definitely.
This is an m998 Humvee.
And basically what we have right here with the vehicle stuck in the mud, is about 11,400 pounds.
That's over 5 tons.
Most definitely.
This has been a reality as long as the army's been around.
Your jeeps get stuck.
Somebody's got to get them out.
Most definitely.
How do you get a 5-1/2-ton Humvee out of a sloped, Sandy environment? That's easy.
We're gonna rear up a mechanical advantage.
Let's get down to it, then.
The first thing we're gonna do is we've got to cover safety before we get started with anything.
This is your next buddy.
You've got to have a kevlar and gloves on at all times.
One of the most dangerous things that we have to be concerned about in winching is backlash.
If a winch cable snaps back at you under pressure, it will literally cut you in half.
Lengthwise? Lengthwise, right.
That would be bad for a whole list of reasons.
We're always gonna step on that cable, and when we step on it, you're gonna let us know you're stepping on it by saying, "stepping on the cable.
" "Stepping on the cable" is what I yell when I step on the cable? Want to practice? I think maybe so, because this whole notion of being cut in two seems to have serious I can demonstrate if you want me to.
You go ahead first.
We got a rope here, right? If I had to cross it four times, it would be simple.
Stepping on the cable! Stepping on the cable! Stepping on the cable! Stepping on the cable! Just like that all the way across.
I can do that.
Stepping on a cable! Stepping on a cable! Stepping on a cable! Stepping on a cable! Just like that, and that's the way that works.
Now we got to go back.
Both: Stepping on a cable! Stepping on a cable! Stepping on a cable! Stepping on a cable! Thank you for not tearing me in half.
Winstead: So, we're gonna go back here and take a look at our snatch blocks.
Okay, take my gloves.
What is a snatch block, exactly? Okay.
A snatch block is a block that we will use to obtain the mechanical advantage that I was talking to you about earlier.
Got you through some sort of snatching motion? Right.
All we're gonna do now is we're gonna take what equipment that we need to the front of this truck.
Great.
Snatch blocks are heavy.
A little bit.
With all these other sergeants standing around, you'd think some of them might want to get involved.
Are you kidding me? We haven't done anything yet.
Now, you've got all your equipment.
It's time to rig.
Now, the thing about connecting chains is you want to do it the proper way every time, all right? When we do that, what we're gonna do You'll kneel down right here.
You'll do that side while I do this side.
We're gonna go across this See this "a" -frame here? You have one right there, all right? You're gonna take this chain, and you're gonna go over it so you can see your hook.
Reach through, grab your hook, and bring it back through, all right? Okay, now you want to pull back a little bit of slack so we can get this chain right about here.
And then we're gonna connect this chain with the hook end facing up.
Hook up.
Always up.
Now, it's always up simply because when we apply tension to this chain and this chain comes up, we want to make sure that if that chain breaks, it goes to the ground and not up, because if it goes up, backlash will hurt my vehicle.
If it goes to the ground, it hits dirt.
No harm, no foul.
Tracking? Yeah.
"Tracking" means you're with me.
I'm with you every other step.
Got a snatch block right there.
Take that snatch block, put it right here in this chain.
Which direction is the hook supposed to be facing? The hook should always be facing up in a codified system.
Outstanding.
You're learning something, anyway.
Well, actually, that was a small test.
If you'll forgive me, I just wanted to make sure you weren't making stuff up as you go.
I run into those people from time to time.
We're good to go.
You certainly are.
All right, now we've got one.
Now we have to put four more on here.
That's one.
We need another.
All right.
Now, there's only one more thing you have to do down here, but you'll have to do that when you get done with sergeant morn, who's up at the anchor point.
Sergeant morn? That is correct.
How are you? Not too bad.
Wonderful.
I was told in somewhat no uncertain terms by sergeant winstead to come and make your acquaintance.
We've already rigged the first portion, which is the truck, and he informed you that we're coming up here to rig the anchor.
What we're gonna do, we're gonna utilize this small thicket of trees.
We'll use this first one as our anchor point, and that rope that we talked about earlier That fiber rope Is gonna be tied off there.
Is this typical of the improvisational way you might use the surroundings to your advantage? Anything that you think is gonna be able to hold this type of equipment.
This is called a natural anchor.
All right, what can I do? We need to get all our equipment for rigging.
[ Chuckles .]
It's all right.
I'm starting to see a theme.
We're gonna need three of the snatch blocks, and we're gonna utilize three chains, also.
The snatch blocks I left down there by the sergeant? Yeah.
I'm coming with you.
You're coming with me? You got it? I got it.
We need one more chain.
You know what? Do you want to wait here? I'll get it.
Don't trouble yourself.
I'll be fine.
I got it.
Now all your anchor and your secondary snatch blocks are rigged.
From here, I'm gonna turn you over to sergeant hancock.
Another sergeant.
He is gonna set you up with fiber rope.
Whew.
All right, Mike.
What we're gonna do is pretty simple.
We're just gonna carry the rope and start putting it through the sheave.
What, no simple hello? No polite introduction? Hello, Mike.
Pleasure to meet you.
All business, these guys.
What I want you to do Just take the loose end here and take it to sergeant winstead.
Wait a second.
I just met you.
Before you send me off, let me have just a brief conversation about the rope.
I've heard so much about it.
It's basically a fiber cable, right? That's right.
All right.
I guess that will conclude the conversation.
What we're gonna do is feed that through the bottom one, and you're gonna grab that end and go see sergeant morn.
Who? Go see sergeant morn.
I just saw him.
You got to go back and see him again.
Miss me? Not really.
Run that rope through our first snatch block.
Got it.
And now you're going back to see sergeant winstead.
I just saw him.
Miss me? Winstead: From your side through.
Right.
I want you to go up there and see sergeant morn.
Now, look, I'm not a gambling man by nature, but if I had any money in my pockets, I would bet that right about now you're gonna tell me to go see sergeant winstead.
You are correct.
[ Breathing heavily .]
Mike, keep your composure and quit being a sissy.
Howdy.
Howdy.
You got to make sure that See that length of cable? Pull that that way.
Way down there? There you go.
Hurry up, Mike! It's getting hot! Stepping on cable! Clumsy cameraman.
Winstead: Slow down.
Slow down, Mike.
I'm sorry.
It sounded like you said "slow down.
" Because we're working with more rope than you are, Mike.
Consideration for others.
Well, it's just that I've never heard the words "slow down" Mike, let's go.
You can jaw-Jack later! Quit flapping your gums and do some work! I think he said "jaw-Jack.
" I don't even know what that means.
So, from here, this is now gonna be our free-running end that we're actually gonna apply force to.
Then we're gonna anchor off, we'll tie off the anchors, and then we'll apply all of our force combined, and we're gonna pull this truck out.
So now basically this is a tug-of-war.
It's us versus that.
Winstead: 11,440 pounds.
All right, let's go.
Rowe: There it goes.
That Jeep's moving.
Whew.
Whew.
Whew.
Whew.
[ Laughs .]
Son of a gun.
That Jeep's coming right up.
Where's he going now? Stand and pull, hand over hand.
Stand and pull? Pull.
Pull.
Pull.
Pull.
Pull.
Pull.
Pull.
Pull.
Pull.
Pull.
Pull.
Pull.
Rowe: All right.
Normally I'd say something clever right now, but I can't breathe.
[ Motor running .]
All right.
Well, I hate to say it, but mission accomplished.
End of mission.
[ Chuckles .]
So we dragged a Jeep out of a Sandy pit on really, really, really hot day.
I mean, the heat's like this all the time.
You're hot? I'm hot.
I got a place where you can cool off.
Why am I nervous? What a stupid way to die.
Uhh! [ Laughs .]
You're making some progress.
Maybe the key is to get my leg out and then get the boot.
Okay.
Can you do that? I'm gonna try.
Move the gear.
Okay.
Uhh! Success! Getting me extracted from tons of toxic bat guano was a team effort, and if it weren't for the people around me, I'd still be back there in bracken cave, stripped to the bone by billions of those flesh-eating beetles that live in all that sticky poo.
The fact of the matter is, I rely a great deal on the people around me, especially my crew and, doubly especially, Dave barsky, the field producer.
He's involved in every element of the show.
You've probably seen him before.
Take a quick look at this clip and observe the nuance of his performance.
Believe it or not, supermodels love cracklin.
They can't get enough of the stuff.
As a snack, it's low in fat, high in protein, and doesn't have any carbohydrates at all.
It helps them lose weight, and it's an important part of their diet regimen.
Supermodels love cracklin.
It seems simple enough, right? I sit and talk for 10 seconds while barsky eats cracklin.
Here's what you didn't know.
I was clinically exhausted that day.
I could barely form one single, coherent sentence, and this is where barsky really earns his money.
Watch now and observe the way that Dave and I communicate The inherent collaboration going on between the two of us.
It is, in my opinion, unexampled.
Believe it or not, cracklin got famous as a part of the supermodel's weight-loss regime.
They're very high in protein, don't have any fat at all, and Believe it or not, cracklin became famous Believe it or not, cracklin became famous as Why is this so hard for me right now? Believe it or not Believe it or not Believe it or not, cracklin played Is it "played"? Is it "playing"? [ Chuckles .]
Cracklin first became popular in this country.
Cracklin's success Cracklin's popularity Believe it or not, cracklin's popularity began with the supermodel's weight-loss regimen.
Now, what did I just say? What was the first thing I just said? The snack is low in The snack has The snack is high in protein.
It's not low in fat.
What is it? It doesn't have any fat.
Barsky: It's got no carbs.
Oh, no carbs.
No carbs.
Believe it or not, cracklin's popularity first came about as a result Of Why don't you say "regimen"? What? "Regimen," not "regime.
" [Bleep.]
It's impossible to think around you.
Just eat your food! "Regimen" that's it.
I know, dude.
I'm trying to figure out what this "regime" What the [bleep.]
is that? Look, just [bleep.]
you pedantic little bastard.
Just eat your fat.
I know, but "regime" makes no sense.
Just pretend you're deaf, okay? Just pretend you're deaf.
It's simple.
That's silly.
Believe it or not, cracklin is an important part of the supermodel's weight-loss regimen.
It helps them stay thin.
That's why supermodels love them.
That's it.
All right.
The truth is, I really do rely on Dave quite a bit, which is why I go out of my way to wear this shirt at least two to three minutes every day.
He puts his heart and soul into every single show, just like everybody else on the crew.
If you haven't met them before, here they are The whole dirty team Doug, Troy, Chris, Adam, Dave, and yours truly, doing what we do best.
So for those of you considering a career in television, consider Dave barsky, our director, who right now is in the tank with a small underwater camera attempting to capture the ejaculate of a [clears throat.]
of a gooey duck.
And consider Troy over here who is now soaked basically from the waist up with gooey duck urine and a little bit of sperm, I believe.
It's a career option, to be sure, but you should know what you're getting into before you make it.
In order to get the best possible shot now, Doug has decided to dig a hole into the shark crab and Bury himself in it.
If his ass goes up in flames, somebody shoot that.
Man: Yeah, we will.
It's a pretty awkward moment for our cameraman Troy.
He's trying to get to the top of this Derrick, and he's just realized that the little, tiny hole he has to go through is not gonna allow him and his camera to go through.
It will be interesting to see how he works it out.
Welcome to show biz, hunter.
After this, it's all craft services and girls.
You are gonna have the time of your life.
Well, here he is again Our cameraman Doug, doing his best to whatever it is he does, actually.
Apparently, there's some mud on the lens.
What do you think? Another two, three hours we'll be ready to go? No, take your time.
We only got 44 minutes in this frigging show.
We'll chew it up any way we can.
She's getting ornery.
Oh, she's getting ornery.
Yeah, Troy.
She's looking at you like the last piece of chicken at a country ranch cookout.
P.
A.
Adam has gone above and beyond the duty in so many different ways.
Here's the end.
Today he proves just how badly he wants to keep his job.
Raise it up.
It seems as though he's totally into it.
Doing fine.
Well, once again, our intrepid cameraman Troy paff rising to new heights to bring yet another shot to the show that will ultimately never be used.
It's what we call an exercise in futility down here on the ground.
Troy, however, seems to enjoy it.
I can't wait till he falls out.
That would be bad.
Oh! [ Laughter .]
Thank you.
And I really do have poo on my shoes.
Oh, my gosh.
Dave barsky, where are you? I'm gonna fling this all over you.
[ Laughter .]
All right.
Oh, I got it in your mouth.
You got it in your mouth.
Look at that.
That's fantastic.
You got poo in my hair.
So, you want to be a cameraman? You want to work for "dirty jobs"? Great.
We have an opening.
Quit goofing off, Troy, and get down.
[ Combs laughs .]
[ Coughs .]
Good lord, man.
God! That is a bad buffet right there.
The stuff you just saw there flying through the air was pig slop.
About 24 hours earlier, it was people food.
We got more mail from that segment Most of it like this from chem girl.
She writes, "dear Mike, you and farmer Bob "should take your show on the road.
"Honestly, he's one of the best characters I've ever seen, "and you guys really seemed like you liked each other.
Where in the world did you find Bob combs?" Found him the same place we found everybody else on the show, chem girl Out in the real world doing real work, having a real good time.
Or maybe he found us.
The truth is I don't remember anymore.
I do know this, though.
There is no place on the face of the earth like farmer Bob's Las Vegas pig farm Truly a tasty treat around every corner.
What's this? [ Sniffs .]
This actually smells good.
This is the first good thing I've smelled all day.
No, wait a minute.
That is edible.
That's chocolate.
That's chocolate from a chocolate factory Candy factory.
[ Laughs .]
Look at that.
This smells brand-new.
I can't believe they're throwing chocolate out.
You bet.
It isn't quite up to their quality that they like to sell, so they discard it.
And rather than go to a landfill, they'll bring it out here like this, and the pigs love it.
Do they? [ Chuckles .]
You'll need that.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You're gonna need that after that pig chase.
I need some energy.
It is good stuff.
If it's good enough for the pigs, right? Oh, you bet.
It's good enough for a host.
You got to get it down in the pile a little ways so the chickens haven't beat you to it.
Rowe: Are there chickens? You didn't tell me about the chickens.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "where can I get a shirt like that?" Sorry, it's a one-of-a-kind A lovely parting gift from Bob combs, and I'm not about to part with it.
Anyway, "dirty jobs" is not about shirts.
For that matter, it's not even about dirt or jobs.
It's really about people like Bob combs who spend their entire life working really hard doing something they love, with no expectation of ever having a camera pointed in their general direction.
I've worked in television for a long time, met lots of famous people, but the only true stars I know are the genuine people I've met right here on this show.
You could have a decent day here.
I mean, if we're not careful, you're liable to wind up smiling.
See? The next thing you know, we're having a party.
Guillory: Did he hurt you? No, he didn't hurt me.
He scared me.
Ow! That was a great sound you made there Real high, like a girl.
Guillory: Ow! Got me again.
There you go.
You got it perfect.
Ah! Things were going great there till you complimented me.
I like it better when you're nasty.
Tell me a story about the funny TV host who survived.
You ain't survived yet.
You still got a long way to go.
Good.
That's hysterical.
What's the bottom line? Are we gonna squeeze the poop out of a dog? Yes.
Why isn't that on your list of fancy services? 'Cause we don't charge extra for that.
Oh, I see.
This is just something you do for fun.
Is it coming? [ Laughing .]
That's poison poo.
Like a poisonous zit just got popped that was somehow residing in the anus.
Yes, around the pooper chute.
That's my favorite word for it "pooper chute.
" That's a good word.
I've always been partial to "turd cutter," myself, but I'm a simple man.
Put it around the neck.
Oh, come on.
Send a dog out of here with its dignity.
It's a female.
She likes things like that.
You think so? Oh, good god.
A lot of dogs would be uncomfortable going out with that in public, but she loves it.
Look at that.
Wright: Wait.
You're not gonna tell me that we're gonna scoop the poop out of the pot with a garden trowel? Ugh! I see beautiful women on the train, and I'm wondering why they're isolating me.
The thing about beautiful women is they still have a sense of smell.
That's why they like perfume and such.
What you're doing, you never do.
You never do that? Never do that You shake the bag, you just disturb the mold that's wherever.
I just put all our lives at risk.
Right.
I feel like such a jerk.
What happened to Bob crowley? He died In here Making cheese.
He's still here.
He likes to knock the boxes off the shelves.
Robert sounds like a very playful, mischievous, cheese-making apparition.
He's a true friend of crowley cheese.
This show just got a little weird.
Well, what's next for you? I mean, what I'm gonna probably die here.
You wouldn't be the first.
Exactly.
I'd be in good company.
Until you've made cheese, what do you really know about life? Exactly.
That is so true.
I mean, in terms of a metaphor for living, I can't think of a better one.
Why don't you make a little cheese on the side and sell it on ebay? Oh, I'm so sick of cheese.
I don't want to be making cheese when I go home.
I came here to help you.
I make it all day.
Yikes! Yikes! If you give him time to think about it, he's gonna bite you.
You just got done telling me his brain was the size of a walnut.
How much thinking can he do? Oh! Let him go.
Let him go.
You're gonna get me bit.
Sorry about that.
Damn it.
That's how I want to grab him On the top like that.
Sex him up.
Gosh, I'd love to finish my thought, but I have to push my finger inside the alligator's bottom.
There you go.
Oh, that's a woman.
Oh, yeah.
No doubt about it, I've had my hands in some interesting places this last year Alligators, zebras, just about everything in between.
Next time you're at the zoo, ask around.
They know me.
Meanwhile, back at the 187th, some sergeants have let me put my hands on a very expensive, very heavy piece of military hardware.
What were they thinking? Rowe: Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Whoa, man.
Oh, crap! [ Chuckles .]
I think I got her stuck.
We're stuck.
I think we're stuck real bad.
Let me try reverse.
No.
We're stuck.
Apply your brakes.
Apply the brakes.
What, like we're going somewhere? Brakes? A little late for that, sarge.
Oh, man.
Not you again.
Welcome back.
Sergeant morn and sergeant bittner.
Get your feet wet? Do I have a choice? You're about to get more wet.
You got yourself into it.
Man, this is a stuck truck.
Well, just like the other one, we're gonna unstuck it.
Oh.
Get down.
Crap.
What's the point? It's inevitable.
Now, what happens to all the fancy math we were talking about before? Does it still apply? Still applies Even more in this situation.
'Cause like we talked about over in the sandpit The mire factor We have up to the hub, hub and above, up to the cab.
So you would look at this Water's in the cab.
Water's in the cab.
You think automatically mire factor 3.
I'd go with 3.
But we don't know how far the vehicle is actually stuck in the mud, as opposed to water.
And just like on the hill, water adds no resistance, just like grade adds no resistance.
But mud would.
Mud does.
It creates a suction underneath.
We've got to figure that out and calculate what we need to do to get this vehicle out of here.
All right.
Well, at least it'll be cooler than the other gig.
So, you got a winch that can pull 30,000.
We need to do something to allow it to pull 60,000.
So, how many times does 30,000 go into 43,000? 4 if we round up.
Yeah, that ain't coming off.
We're gonna need some sort of fancy army tool for this.
You think? I'm pretty sure.
I found this thing, and I'm wondering if I can get it through the thing in the eye.
You know what I mean? It could, but it might not do us any good now.
Why? I got them both loose.
How'd you do it? Man hands, you know? Very impressive.
Unfortunately your manly act took place under muddy water, so I don't know if we'll ever be able to confirm it.
Times the mire factor, which is 2, times the number of 4 40 Don't tell me.
Don't worry, Mike.
We got all day.
I would like to get this truck out of here before it rusts away.
I've lost the hole, sergeant.
Rowe: Thereby bringing us to that empty square.
All right.
We now need what? Where you going, Mike? I don't know.
Don't we drag it out now? We need to open it so we can feed the cable through.
Where's the cable? It's on the truck.
We don't have the cable here.
We got to pay it out.
How's that happen? What goes in this box then? Winch capacity.
Where was that? What's the manpower equivalent of 30,000 pounds of winch control? About 21 men.
Oh.
All right.
So the answer would be 3 times the men times 28? You'd need two million men to pull this thing out.
The answer would seem to be Point tackle.
Soggy.
Well, the answer [Clears throat.]
is 20,000, uh, uh, 200 and something.
And something? Is this really important? Oh, man.
Look at that.
If you need to, we've got open space.
You can do the long division.
A.
a.
a.
Doesn't do this.
And half of 300 is 150.
So if you add 150 to 23,500, you'd get 23,650.
There you go.
Way to work it in your head.
Mire factor 0.
Yes, I know many of you were probably impressed by the mathematical acumen that I demonstrated in that last piece and over the course of the last 99 jobs.
Lydia from Indiana was certainly impressed.
She writes this "dear Mr.
Mike, "my name is Lydia, and I am 3 years old, "and my mommy says that I'm better at math than you.
What do you think?" Well, Lydia, I think your mommy probably loves you very much, but I would suggest she shows a certain bias.
After 99 jobs, I'll let my record speak for itself.
How much relative milk does it take to create a commensurate amount of cheese? So it's 3 feet by 27.
23.
7.
You've got 1,000 milliliters in a liter and 350 360,000.
360,000 cells in a milliliter.
So we got some mud that's weighing in at 17 pounds a gallon.
And how much cheese do you get out of 500 gallons? 400 pounds.
You need 300 barrels of mud that weigh 17.
5 pounds per gallon.
400 pounds out of 500 gallons.
So that's 360,000 times 1,000 times 10,000.
42 times 3.
Divide that by 8.
What's that magic number again, Chris? How much does 500 gallons weigh? 130 26.
So 400 that's 10 to 1.
So we're gonna take about 360 trillion algae cells.
Close enough.
That's oyster math you're looking at.
Good grief.
Did that in my head.
There you go.
Now we're rough necking! Whoo! If you would have told me early on that there would be 100 jobs just like that one over the course of a year, I'd have changed my name and moved out of state.
Seriously, I had no idea I could make it this long.
I don't think anybody else did, either, which is why early on in the process, a series of auditions were held to look for a possible replacement in the unlikely event that I would call in sick permanently.
Would you like to meet the replacements? I know I would.
Hey, there.
I'm Rachel Perry.
Whoa, don't freak out.
Mike rowe was busy today.
I don't know.
He called in sick or something.
I got the call, came to my favorite place in the whole world.
W.
a.
s.
Terminal.
W.
a.
s.
Terminals.
Hi.
Danielle here with "dirty jobs.
" We are in south central Los Angeles.
I'm here with Johnny and Pete, and we're gonna clean out some storm drains.
You are gonna clean the storm drains.
But this is one of the drains that has never been cleaned before.
You coming with me? No, I'm not.
I see how this works.
I need to know what's going on here.
I just want to know, what am I doing? What are we doing? What are we doing today, Johnny boy? You are in for it.
I know.
I just got my hair done.
Perfect timing.
Here we go.
Oh [bleep.]
I mean, "oops.
" Ew! Look at how gross that is.
I'm gonna have to go in there? Absolutely.
Oh! There you go.
And pull back.
Perfect.
How do I get this up? Do I have to go down there and pull that up? Johnny: Just like that.
God.
Oh.
Oh, god, it's so gross.
Oh, it's so gross.
Be careful.
Use your legs, okay? There we go.
What have I done? Man: Just get it off.
My first tire, ladies and gentlemen! Okay, this is mine, Pete.
This is where they send the bad children.
Why are you guys just standing there? You want to do something? [ Shrieks .]
Johnny: You see the rat? [ Laughing .]
I don't like this part.
Okay, there's a bottle of urine.
Hooray! That's mine, Pete.
Stop looking at my tire.
[ Grunts .]
I'm hungry Cold.
No, I don't.
Oh, it's so heavy.
Bleh! [ Laughing .]
Mike rowe, where are you? I quit.
You can have your job back, Mike rowe.
Thank you, Rachel.
My lucky day.
Look, when it comes to dirt, I'm not stingy.
There's plenty to go around for everybody.
But if I'm gonna be replaced, I would at least like to make my own suggestion for a likely successor.
My name's Dave barsky, and today this is my job.
As the as the As the man responsible for most of his misery, he had no problem recommending me for the gig.
How hard could it be? Hold on a second.
Damn.
This is Steve wilhelms with the e.
P.
A.
I'm not with the e.
P.
A.
Oh, geez.
As a field director for the show, I'm most Well, today it's my turn to take Mike's place.
And as a field director for the show, I'm most responsible for his misery.
Good.
Dave.
How you doing? Hugh getters.
Nice to meet you.
This is your marble-manufacturing company? We actually make cultured marble, which is a man-made product.
What I need you to do is Get a mold out of the oven? I can't reach it.
It's dirty in here.
I did.
I went oh, geez! I suppose if the pillsbury doughboy were a crash-test dummy, he'd look something like I do right now.
We're taking the food out, emptying the refrigerator.
We're going from refrigerator to refrigerator.
Oh! Someone had cold feet.
I shouldn't have done that.
No, you shouldn't.
I'm gonna mix this right down together now.
Okay.
There's an art to it.
Oh, shoot.
What did I do so different? He kept it on the table.
Dip it in and go boom? Yeah.
No, not quite.
Ah.
Ugh.
Aw, crap.
[ Grunting .]
Oh! Oh! Oh! A bad day to be Mike rowe.
Heh heh.
Mike, get over here.
Get over here now.
Now take the head right where I got it.
No, no, no, no.
No! No? Oh, the left hand.
Give me that left hand.
Grab that bird.
Grab him right there.
Grab him right here.
But, look, in all the excitement All right, now.
Just be cool, dude.
Whoa! Watch out.
He's gonna get you, Mike.
He's gonna get you.
The really sharp toes on that really big ostrich missed my really soft face by about that much, and I'm not even kidding.
The near misses my crew and I have experienced over these last 100 jobs are too numerous to mention.
We've all dodged more than a few bullets.
But if you're a cameraman on "dirty jobs," it's only a matter of time till your luck runs out.
Back at fort Jackson with the 187th, you'll see what I'm talking about.
[ Shouting Cadence .]
I mean, why do you need to be fit to change a tire? This is a 500-pound tire.
You got to wonder what kind of vehicle needs a 500-pound tire.
More to the point, if you're me, you have to wonder how exactly does one change a 500-pound tire? We're about to find out.
This is sergeant inman, and this is a hemmit wrecker.
Yes, it is.
What does it do? This is our recovery vehicle.
It will recover or tow anything that is this size or smaller 10 ton or smaller.
It's basically our workhorse.
So there's a winch back there somewhere? Yes.
We've got a winch.
We've got a crane.
We've got oxygen/acetylene for cutting.
You name it, it can do it.
So if something is stuck, this is basically the tow truck from hell? Yes, it is.
Okay.
And that thing really weighs 500 pounds? I don't want to find out.
Okay, what are we gonna do to it today? What's the problem? Today we've got it in the shop.
We're doing an annual service, so basically we are Everything.
We got all the fluids to change.
We've got to change any bad tires.
We have to repack the bearings.
Any faults we find, we got to fix.
All right.
What do we do first? On these larger trucks, all left-handed lug nuts or left-handed threads They're opposite of what your normal is.
So Why? Is that natural? Probably.
I'm starting to worry.
Looks like they got some paint on them.
They're gonna be quite tight.
Oh, there it goes.
Come on.
Wait a minute.
[ Grunts .]
Did you get it? [ Laughter .]
Just use this.
Don't break your back.
Sure.
Give me a lever big enough and I'll move the world, right? Somebody famous said that.
It's all about leverage.
And coordination.
A little bit more.
She's gonna drop.
Okay.
We're gonna roll it towards you.
Man: Troy! Troy! Oh, geez.
Get on that side.
Watch out.
Watch out, Sonny.
Ooh [bleep.]
What do you think, Troy, 500, 400? Whew.
It's 425.
Wow.
Where the hell did that come from? Excellent question, Troy.
Here, in our instant replay, we see sergeant inman gently nudge the monster tire behind her, tipping it slightly off-balance until the mammoth doughnut drops onto our unsuspecting cameraman, squashing him like a bug.
Occupational hazard.
Now let's see it again from Troy's angle.
We're in the army now.
Why do you need to be fit to grease an axle? Inman: Now we got to check the bearings.
Bearings? Those are in there, aren't they? Yes.
Oh.
We're taking these off? Yes.
All right.
I'm changing the bearings on a hemmit wrecker.
I believe it's a dirty job.
All right.
We got that on.
Right over top of this.
There you go.
All right.
All right.
What do you call this little slice of heaven? This would be our wheel Dolly.
Wheel Dolly.
Say, that would have come in handy about a half-hour ago, huh? Oh.
That's what you're trying to avoid to happen.
There you go.
All right.
Yes.
Okay.
All right, so, we got this.
Where's this go? Down to this other pile of grease? Scrape all the grease off.
Throw the old grease away.
[ Hums .]
It's like peanut butter.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Oh, yeah.
[ Hums .]
All right, let's now learn about packing grease into a bearing.
All right.
What we have for you here is our 5-gallon bucket of what we call g.
A.
A.
G.
a.
a.
? Yeah.
And here's where your peanut butter comes from.
That really does look like creamy jif.
Here.
Let me take this from you.
Go ahead and grab that other one.
What you're gonna do is push it in through that crack.
And you're gonna have to do it several times to actually force it all the way up through just a little bit at a time.
And just work it around? Just keep working it around.
See how it's starting to mash through the top there? Oh, yeah.
Like that, okay? Once you get a little bit of excess, then just wipe it back off.
Now I'll roll it around and move along.
Okay? So the goal is to fill up this fat crack right here till it jams out of the skinny crack on the other side.
[ Exhales deeply .]
[ Sighs .]
What if we were just to take the bearing and drop it into the giant vat and push it to the bottom? Would it not force all the lubricant up through the small part? Oh! All right.
Flipped her over.
That's okay.
You're not done with yours yet? You're not done with yours.
I'm done.
Well, then, I'm done, too.
Let's see this.
All right.
Well, then, I'm done.
There you go.
Straight back.
You're Nice and tight? Oh, that's tight.
We are ready For lunch.
To put the cap on.
To put the cap on.
Inman: Okay, get them lined up.
Are we done? You are done.
Well, I'd like to thank you for a fascinating couple hours.
I'd also like to thank you for your last nine years.
I appreciate it.
Not a problem.
Want to shake a dirty, sweaty hand? Every day.
Thanks.
Not a problem, rowe.
I can live with rowe.
Oh, steady.
Hold on a second.
Man: You gonna do it? Oh, dear.
I may have gone in the wrong hole.
You didn't go in the wrong one.
Is everything gonna be all right? That should be all right.
That was a clean glove, thank goodness.
Yeah, I'm saying, "where's all the poo?" Well, there's no poo in a vulva.
No wonder she was so upset with me.
Somehow hamburger just doesn't taste the same anymore.
As you probably know, "dirty jobs" happens on the road, so we log a lot of miles and we spend a lot of nights away from home in hotel rooms.
Here's a clip that ran not too long ago in an earlier show.
It generated a lot of response on the website.
I spent 250 nights in hotel rooms last year.
Believe me, I've learned to adjust my expectations and develop my own little routines.
The first thing I like to do when I come into a place like this is take a look around, see what the story is.
The remote control One of the first things I deal with.
I don't know if you knew it, but it's probably the nastiest thing in the room because nobody ever washes it.
The telephone is also a breeding ground for germs.
I just place both those items on the sticky, disgusting comforter that has been soaked countless times with god knows what unspeakable fluid, wrap the whole works up into a little bundle, and lovingly place it over there.
Now, I forgot about that scene maybe 10 seconds after we shot it, didn't give it a second thought till three weeks later when this arrived in the mail.
What could it possibly be? It had come from the hotel where we stayed.
It was the phone that I threw against the wall, it was the remote that I threw against the wall, and it was a letter And when I say "letter," what I really mean is "invoice.
" Yeah.
"From the owner of the hotel to the folks at 'dirty jobs' for damage to room 217 as shown on above segment.
" It's an itemized list.
Look at this The cost of everything and the total, 440-some odd dollars, and then this at the bottom "you are hereby notified to appear "in parish circuit court, small claims division, room 204.
" This is a disaster.
You have no idea how much the people at discovery hate it when you destroy private property.
So we're on the phone trying to figure things out, and we don't know what to do.
And Dave goes back into the office, checks the fax.
This came through a few seconds later From the owner of the hotel, whose name we've blacked out for his protection.
But we know who you are, and we'll be back in Louisiana before too long, and our memory is long.
When we check in next time, you might want to check your toilet seats when we leave.
In the meantime, our good pal bill bretherton Surely you remember bill, the most unique exterminator on the planet.
Not long ago, bill and I did a termite job on a church in Louisiana.
We went there to kill termites.
In truth, we were faced with a monumental carpentry challenge.
The church was literally falling down.
I'm not a carpenter.
Bill bretherton Not a carpenter.
A lot of carpenters, though, watch the show, and they went to the website, and they gave bill a hard time.
Bill wanted a chance to set the record straight.
We thought it was only fair.
So here's bill bretherton in his own words, operating his own camera.
Well, Mike, as you can see, it's done.
Last time you were here, we didn't quite finish this project with this back pier on this church.
It was crazy that day.
We had a lot of things go wrong for us.
[ Crack .]
I do know that that was an alarming sound, though.
We wanted to take this beam out to show the audience the kind of damage that termites can do on a structure.
We lose all our support if you cut right there.
That's the heaviest part right there, holding the roof up.
And vexcon normally doesn't do any carpentry.
We're not known for our carpentry work.
Rowe: This is the new beam? This is the new one.
I think it's too long, bump, much too long What do you think? Yeah, it looks too long to me.
The beam's too long.
We weren't getting paid for this job or anything.
We did it as charity.
So we didn't make a big project out of repairing the damage.
This is where we find out if the actual load-bearing If it's gonna work or not.
Bretherton: Nobody can tell me that the church was in better shape with this old beam that we took out of there versus the one we put in.
Looks good over here.
If I can push this, is that a bad sign? Yes.
Well, as you can see, we got the siding back up on it and everything and got this church completed.
Well, from all of us at vexcon, thanks for coming down and helping us out, Mike.
We look forward to seeing you again in the future.
Bill bretherton really does take pride in his work, and you got to appreciate that.
He figures we killed between 3 million and 4 million termites that day.
And that felt good, although deep down, I got to tell you, I really am an animal lover, seriously.
Sometimes I think they're the only creatures out there that actually listen to me.
First of all, you're facing the wrong way.
Your future is out there.
Here there's nothing.
You're on the eggs we need.
Come on.
Come on.
Get off those eggs.
You don't want those eggs.
That's it.
There you go.
You're petite, but your feet are huge.
So, I'm gonna go ahead and put this on.
There's no need to be ashamed.
Lots of women with large feet find that they can go through life with extraordinary balance.
I think he was mistaken.
I think your home is there, and I think you can go.
I know.
I know.
You're exhausted.
I'm exhausted.
Let's try not to make a big deal out of this.
I'm a puppet master.
Life is about choices, my friend.
Are you gonna sleep on the beach, or are you gonna get out there and get in the game? He's gonna sleep on the beach.
This is your horse.
Ow.
Ohh, nice one.
This is your horse on drugs.
Any questions? Daisy, look at me.
Daisy, look at me.
I don't get to town often, but when I come through, I'll give Eric a call.
I'll swing by.
Look at me.
Daisy, we can get through this.
You can't plan it.
I walked in.
I caught your eye.
You caught mine.
I don't know how these things happen.
Daisy, we have been through much.
Don't turn your back on me now.
All I know is one minute I'm minding my own business, and then I'm sitting backwards on you.
There.
Now you want to talk.
Well, maybe it's too late.
Maybe I don't want to talk now.
Maybe God, don't look at me that way.
Look, I don't want to overstate things, but what we have here Me and you, you and me It's magic.
[ Imitates crying .]
Oh, Daisy.
[ Cellphone rings .]
Excuse me.
That's for me.
Watch "dirty jobs.
" We're gonna give you the artificial vagina.
Thank you.
We're gonna let the horse mount, and then just hold steady.
Got it.
[ Neighs .]
I believe that horse is ready.
[ Neighs .]
There you go.
Go right ahead, Mike.
Going up.
Going to deflect with the right.
All the way up into his groin, and just hold steady.
I'm holding steady.
Excellent.
One, two, three.
You're getting ejaculatory jets.
Let him fall out of the boot.
There you go.
And you're good.
Excellent.
Really excellent.
Yeah? Give it up, huh? You're hired.
I'll wash later.
No doubt about it Animals have been very good to "dirty jobs.
" And, as you can see, I do my best to be very good to the animals.
But of all the animals featured on this show, if there were an unofficial barnyard mascot for the program, it would have to be the pig.
People just can't get enough of the pigs, and neither can I.
I have fed them, bred them, carried them, picked up their poo, made their dinner, even deep-fried a few.
The least I can do is give a little something back.
Haircut, anyone? [ Bell rings .]
Casa roble high school is in orangevale, California.
It's home to the rams and a few other things, as well.
[ Quacks .]
[ Bleats .]
It's also home to a dirty job that never made it to air 'cause that day, everything that could go wrong did go wrong.
So, this is Hannah, and this is Colleen, and they've been friends since the eighth grade.
Now they're seniors here in high school Their whole lives stretched out in front of them.
Unfortunately, they're both seeing a couple of pigs.
Ladies, how are you? Good.
Good.
Good.
Hannah, what's up with the pigs? We do it as an ffa project.
Do what? We're raising a pig, basically.
All right.
What's ffa? Ffa is future farmers of America.
Are you a future farmer of America, you think? I'm on the path.
'Cause you have a nose ring, and I've never seen a farmer with a nose ring.
But anything could happen, I suppose.
I guess so.
All right.
Hannah, you're holding What is that exactly? This is a power pro cordless shaver.
And what, pray tell, are we going to do today with the power cord We're gonna shave the hair off of my pig so that it looks better when we show it at the fair tomorrow.
So you can see their muscles.
We're gonna shave a pig so you can grease it up later, and the people who will ultimately buy it will look at the pig and say, "my god, that's beautiful.
" That's what we're hoping.
In my belly Because ultimately these pigs are going off to the market.
Yes.
I see.
What is your pig called, Colleen? My pig is tink.
Tink? Yes, and it's kind of opposite of tinker bell.
Kind of.
It's also the root word of "stink," I believe.
And, Hannah, what do you call your swine? Hamlet.
Hamlet that's very clever.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
"To be or not to be.
" That's the question.
"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind "to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune "or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them.
" Go, Shakespeare.
Okay.
Ow.
Watch your head there.
Rowe: You know, you never really think of a pig being covered with hair like this.
I'm thinking, "go this way," I heard.
You heard? Close the door, for god's sakes.
Close the door.
Watch.
Watch over here.
We got pigs out.
Girls, we got to get the pigs in the pen.
We'll whip them Not whip them.
Not whip them, just lovingly coax them back in.
Yeah, pretty much.
All right.
So, so far we've learned a valuable lesson.
Close the gate.
Have you shaved a pig before? No.
I'm learning as we go.
Are you looking to me in any way for guidance or expertise? A little bit.
Yeah.
This is where I have some sad news for you.
Now, you want to go with the grain? How do I do this? Hold on.
Let me She bites.
She bites? [ Sighs .]
You don't understand.
You don't watch this show.
But after all I've been through, I don't want to die in a pen with a 17-year-old girl and a pig.
I'm 18.
Oh.
Well, then, by all means, let's give it a shot.
All right.
Maybe we feed him a little bit.
Suey, suey.
Pig, pig, pig.
Aww.
I know what it is.
You got a rag around here? That's right, Hannah.
Get in there.
Tell that pig who's boss.
Whoa.
You're doing good.
Thanks.
Does it have to be pigs? What about a school play? What about, you know, some sports? There you go.
Hey, you got another razor? I don't.
There have been some budget cuts here at the school, so we've only got the one razor.
You're doing better than I am.
It's not my first day on a pig farm.
Pig fur is very Very coarse.
I think you're doing a great job.
What do you know? You've never seen it done before.
I know.
Rowe: Oh, yeah.
Hannah: Look at you go.
Nobody getting paid by the hour here, Hannah.
Getting ready for the fair.
Only gonna go once.
A little more poo on me.
I got dirty.
Look at your boots.
What about them? You're a fancy, fashionable future farmer of America.
Of course.
We've got to keep it up-to-date.
[ Grunts .]
[ Laughter .]
I always just wanted to leap into a pigpen.
I got hair in my boots.
And so the shaving will go on here long into the night until tink and Hamlet are nice and smooth.
Then some lotion or some sort of lubricant will be applied, and then it's off to the fair.
It's the way of things.
Oh [bleep.]
he just ran over your boot.
Rowe: That rat has no respect at all.
It's true Rats have no respect.
But even down here in the sewer, they're probably more scared of us than we are of them.
Aah! Damn it! What was that? Man: He came on this way.
I kicked him away.
[Bleep.]
Damn thing nearly went down my boot.
He'll fit right here on me.
It hit me in a very personal place, chief.
Oh, that was funny.
I can only think of one place worse than the inside of a working sewer A battlefield.
Look, I've never seen combat.
Hopefully I never will.
But I'm genuinely curious about what our men and women have to put themselves through to prepare themselves for that eventuality.
The sergeants at fort Jackson have an incredible responsibility.
They're trying to train thousands of new soldiers every year a long list of very complicated skills.
Mastering those skills under the best of circumstances is difficult.
Mastering them in combat Incomprehensible.
All right, Mike.
Let's go.
Get it loaded up.
We're out of here.
Well, I've done all my hard work for the day Changing tires, towing vehicles out of sand and mud.
Now it was time to just ride off into the sunset.
Turn off the truck and step out of the vehicle.
Am I in trouble? No, Mike.
I want to talk to you about phase 2 of this mission.
Phase 2? Roger.
Just when I was thinking phase 1 was all there is to it.
All right, Mike.
That's a gun.
That is not a gun, soldier.
That is a rifle.
All right, now, today, because you've been doing this training with us and you've learned some fundamentals Is that a loaded rifle? Not yet, Mike.
You're gonna need this for phase 2 and this.
Did you put him up to this? Absolutely.
Okay.
This weighs about 100 pounds.
This is kevlar? Yes, it is.
This is a vest? It is.
Should I put this on now? Yes, you should, Mike.
Would you hold my not-gun for me? Rifle.
Not gun.
This is kevlar? It's kevlar.
Why am I putting on a kevlar vest? When we go on our convoy, we might be going through hostile fire down the road, in hostile territory.
What? What? Hostile fire? Hostile file.
We're gonna simulate an ambush? Is that what's gonna happen? We're not simulating, Mike.
Oh, I see.
We're gonna be ambushed.
We're going to be ambushed.
This is obviously, I mean, for real.
You guys are dealing with this day in and day out overseas.
Okay.
So, this is an m16? Right.
This is your m16.
Okay.
Now, what your mission's gonna be on this convoy is you're gonna be in one of the humvees.
You need to watch for anything suspicious, all right, off your flank.
All right.
All right.
So, I'm wrapped in armor, carrying a rifle, in a convoy, driving into an ambush in the lead vehicle.
Great.
So, how can you possibly prepare a recruit who has never been in an ambush situation? How can you get him in the right frame of mind? Well, putting him through experiences on what might happen Simulating I.
E.
D.
Explosions, things of that nature.
I mean, how do you even come close to simulating the kind of, you know I mean, to really be in the actual moment Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! [ Gunfire .]
Over here, Mike! Over here! Get over here! All right, we got a .
50-Cal positioned right up there in front of us, all right? What I want you to do is move 10 feet to my right, right up there, get it? Go! Get on your feet! On your feet! Get up! [ Gunfire continues .]
Go, Mike! Get down! All right! I got you, Mike! I got you! Go! Go! 10 feet straight in front of you! All right, right there's the .
50-Cal, Mike! We're gonna get up in an aggressive position! Ready? Go! Go get them! Go get them! He's good! He's good, Mike! All right, he's dead.
What the hell? Sergeant Holly? Are you alive? Did we make it? It looks like you're a bit out of breath.
[ Gunshots .]
What the Oh, hell.
I think I was in trouble about a dozen different times, to be honest with you.
I think you did an outstanding job outstanding job For never having done it before.
You killed the person that was firing the .
50-Cal at us, took over the position.
Now we can use that weapon to defend ourselves against the other enemies.
Look, man, is it anything close to that, seriously? Yeah, it's pretty close to that, if you can stay alive all the way to the position.
Well, there you go.
The guys and gals in the 187th battalion keeping the army rolling They'll be here a lot longer than I will.
I'm going home.
But if you run into sergeant Holly or anybody dressed like him, tell him I said hi and thanks.
It's been a pleasure.
Apologize to him, if you wouldn't mind.
He'll be all right.
Man: You're gonna have to get in there, and there's a pipe in there up there on top of that pile.
Push it up through there, and it should come rolling out.
I think I might have found the clog.
No.
Okay, pull your pipe out, and I'll turn it on right quick, and we'll see if it's open.
Turn it on right quick! He's turning it on right quick to see if it's open.
Yes! Yeah, I think it's open.
Oh, crap.
[ Coughs .]
To this day, I have never been dirtier.
Time for one more letter from the website.
This one comes from down-under Dave's main squeeze.
"Dear Mike, I love the fact "that you show us your mistakes and outtakes on the show.
"But, really, how many mistakes do you actually make? "I know you don't actually have a script on 'dirty jobs, ' so how do you know if you make a mistake?" Well, trust me, down-under Dave's main squeeze, I know.
Those bees were a disaster.
They were in there fornicating on hollow ground.
Holy ground.
Sorry.
It appeared to be the most random, ill-conceived perversion I had seen all day long, and I'd been up since 5:00 A.
M.
However, the Dr.
Seuss, in fact The Dr.
Seuss, as it's affectionately called is, uh, what is it? The Dr.
Seuss I don't know what I'm saying.
The Dr.
Seuss didn't cost a lot to make, but without it, an entire business was uhh! Think about what you're doing, not how you're doing.
What you're doing, not how you're doing.
What, not how.
What, not how.
What, now how.
This machine was designed to separate the various different types of golf balls that are recovered from water hazards.
It is not a model of Oh! [Bleep.]
Crap, I used to be so good at this.
It's not a triumph of engineering.
It's not a triumph of engineering, Mike.
Mike, it's not a triumph of engineering.
I hate television.
I'm out.
So, aside from getting his first and last name wrong, I thought I'd nailed it pretty well.
Here we go.
We did manage to catch and release over 20 of them.
What's the next thing I was gonna say there? I am an idiot.
I'm a moron.
I forgot my line.
As if to really drive the point home, I will continue talking and saying nothing at all as the director comes over, shaking his head, casting aspersions upon what's left of my dignity.
It's what I do.
You don't have to do that.
Pbht! Uh-oh.
Now, normally when I come to a n-new l-location I really do sound drunk all of a sudden.
Here's the last one.
Oh [bleep.]
[bleep.]
That's lava hot, what that is right there.
Oh, did you get that? From there, it's fashioned into pieces of raw steel like this.
Hey, you're in my shot.
Anyhow, how this gets to this is no small feat.
I should have asked Andy if the Hey, Andy, if the range balls are basically worth this Hey, Andy, if the range Man: [ Laughs .]
Sorry.
Next time I'll laugh louder.
Great.
That's great.
Let me be clear.
The people Let me let me be clear.
I'm not good.
And I want to thank you for watching.
[Bleep.]
What am I doing wrong? Why aren't I over there? Great.
Go back out here for a minute.
So, tell me this.
What looks as bad as poo and smells almost Damn.
Almost.
David right now is transporting d Transporting three.
Pbht! Two.
Pbht! Pbht! And one.
Pbht! Pbht! And just like that, your veal scallopini and your chicken piccata are transferm [ Coughing .]
[Bleep.]
It stinks up here.
The machines that Wayne the house mover uses to move houses are really pretty specific.
That's completely wrong.
And so it was off to Eugene, Oregon, again for the lowdown on honey Ay yi yi yi yi.
[ Sighs .]
You want to work from the card? [ Grunts .]
You probably should.
Shh! I'm gonna get this.
I'm gonna get it now.
And then I'm gonna not work for a while.
Hey, funny man, that's good.
That's great.
You're captain comedy on board the good ship anguish.
Hurry up! I swear to god, if I make back there, Wayne, you and I are gonna have a talk.
How the hell do you get down there? Just hold on tight.
Hold on to what? You want me to hold your hand? Geez, this guy is an absolute [bleep.]
buster.
Stand up straight like a man.
You're getting on my last reserve nerve now.
I thought you were tough.
You might be tough, captain, but if my mother sees this, she's gonna track you down and kick your pirate ass.
Well, according to my mom, captain magwood is still on the run, living under an assumed name somewhere in the midwest.
She'll find him.
She always does.
Time for one last quick letter from the website, this one from raspy.
Raspy writes, "dear Mike, in one of your earlier shows, "you sang a song about dirty jobs.
"It was really kind of catchy, "and now my family can't stop humming it.
"Any chance that you would ever consider recording it "and using it in a music video on your show? "Think about it You could dedicate it "to all the people you've met with dirty jobs.
"You could play the guitar.
Barsky could play the banjo.
What do you say?" I say barsky's not much of a banjo player, and I'm not very good on the guitar.
But if either one of us had a shred of talent, I'd do exactly as you suggest.
I'd write a simple, little tune and dedicate it to all the hardworking folks who invited us into their homes this last year.
They rolled out the welcome mat, even if it was brown and dirty and poo-covered.
We're grateful.
Now everyone who's got a job has got his dues to pay working for a paycheck and gettin' through the day but if you're bored or otherwise and tryin' to be a slob grab some boots and lose that suit and get a dirty job fight a fire or tread a tire or ride a garbage truck save a seal or mix a meal or manage miles of muck misbehave inside a cave with 40 million bats find some friendly roaches in a sewer filled with rats dirty jobs, they're everywhere just take a look around down the street or up the stairs or even underground you don't need to borrow, beg and you don't need to Rob all you've got to do is get yourself a dirty job all you've got to do is get yourself a dirty job the thing is, dirty jobs aren't hard to find.
Heck, if you look for them, they're pretty much everywhere, if you know what I'm saying.
Smelly loads and foul commodes all need to be addressed chimney sweeps and chicks that peep can make an awful mess wrangle herds of cranky birds that bite and kick and stomp mine for coal or dig a hole or navigate a swamp dig for clams or handle ham or work with stingin' bees clean a dump or lift a pump or labor out at sea run a rig or chase a pig find vomit from an owl change your course and shoe a horse or reach inside a cow dirty jobs, they're everywhere just take a look around down the street or up the stairs or even underground you don't need to borrow, beg and you don't need to Rob all you've got to do is get yourself a dirty job all you've got to do is get yourself a dirty job listen, we found over 100 of these jobs in the last year.
Believe me, they're out there.
Follow your nose.
Cleanin' skulls, collectin' balls or workin' down a drain killin' bugs or pickin' spuds or separatin' grain sweat and toil or drill for oil or tear apart a float pull a teat or chip concrete or shave an ornery goat drive a nail, replace a rail or disembowel a fish tackle grime or grow some slime inside a petri dish tar a roof or clean a hoof or handle poison toads brew some beer or drag a deer across a busy road dirty jobs, they're everywhere just take a look around down the street or up the stairs or even underground you don't need to borrow, beg and you don't need to Rob all you've got to do is get yourself a dirty job all you've got to do is get yourself a dirty job what are you gonna do, spend the rest of your life sitting behind that desk in that air-conditioning? Come on, get outside.
Get your hands dirty.
Now, dirty jobs don't guarantee no great big pile of loot there ain't no perks or fancy cars or golden parachutes the pension plan is also-ran the pay is far from rich but dirty jobs will keep you far from office politics so don't be scared or unprepared to tackle something rank pick up gum or have some fun inside a septic tank don't begrudge a little sludge or working in a pit but always ask to wear your mask when cleaning pigeon Gee whiz.
Dirty jobs, they're everywhere just take a look around down the street or up the stairs or even underground you don't need to borrow, beg and you don't need to Rob all you've got to do is get yourself a dirty job all you've got to do is get yourself a dirty job all you've got to do is get yourself a dirty job well, you asked for a song.
You got a song.
Be careful what you ask for.
I'm gonna ask you for something now, mainly your ideas.
We do this all the time.
The first 100 jobs couldn't have been done without you.
The next 100 will definitely require your help.
If you have a dirty job or know of somebody who does, this is the time to go to discovery.
Com/dirtyjobs and tell us all about it.
Who knows? If it's dirty enough, we'll show up, we'll get dirty.
Maybe we'll even sing a song and shake hands.
It should be fun.
Anyhow, thanks for watching, and always remember this Opportunity is most often missed because it usually shows up dressed in overalls, looking like work.
Stay dirty, would you? Nick, you're a dirty, dirty man.
All right, Mike.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I couldn't have done it without Roberto.
Thank you very much.
No need to shake.
You got a dirty job.
Thank you.
I'm glad I could share it with you.
My pleasure.
I'll never see you again.
Thank you very much.
Always a pleasure.
I'm stuck to you there.
Thank you, Mark.
All in all, it's been an enjoyable day Well, except for the humiliation, the pain, the regret.
The bald jokes.
I'll see you next time.
All right, Mike.
Mike, it's been good working with you.
Yeah, it's been a treat.
I'd shake your hand, but every time I do it, it hurts.
Give me a kiss.
Oh! Oh! Thank you very much.
No problem.
You're a dirty man.
It's been a real treat.
[ Laughter .]
For me, too.
Here's to dirt and the refuse in it.
Here's to garbage.
There are 28 men in the 187th ordnance battalion's wheel vehicle recovery school 28 And believe me when I tell you they wear a lot of hats.
They're not just soldiers.
They're mechanics, they're carpenters, they're garbagemen, they're security guards.
They do whatever the job calls for.
But more than anything else, these guys keep the army moving.
That's not just a job.
That's a dirty job.
Hooah! Hooah! My name's Mike rowe.
And I've put a pig on a pedestal.
Why? Because even though he works in the dirt, this noble creature is the embodiment of hard work, self-sacrifice, and a good-natured willingness to get the job done, no matter how dirty.
Day after day, he goes about his business without complaint.
And night after night, he brings home the bacon.
[ Pig grunts .]
I am sorry I said that.
What's on your pedestal?