The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e34 Episode Script

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shootin' at some food And up through the ground come a-bubblin' crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know Old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Oh'.
! Jethro, my goodness! I'm sorry you got all tangled up in the rope.
Well, I am rather helpless.
If a man were to try and kiss me now, I couldn't resist.
You couldn't? No, I-I'd be at his mercy.
Don't worry about that.
Ain't no man gonna kiss you while I'm here.
Jethro, you are like a magnificent skyscraper, with an uncompleted penthouse.
Thank you! Oh, that reminds me, Dr.
Twombly is most anxious to see you again.
Well, I'm anxious to see him, too.
He never did give me my certificate of health for school.
Well, Dr.
Twombly is not an internist or diagnostician.
He works in the field of psychiatry.
Well, as soon as he gets done working in that field and gets back to his office, I sure would like to see him.
He's at his office now, but what I want to explain is Hey, I'd better hustle down there right now.
Miss Potts says without I have a doctor's certificate, I can't graduate into the sixth grade.
Jethro? Oh, good morning, Granny.
Mornin', Miss Hathaway.
Where's Jethro? I told him to string me a clothesline in here.
I'm gonna have to take a hickory switch to that boy again.
He's gone, Granny.
But you don't need a clothesline.
I sure do.
Can't hang 'em outside.
It's gonna rain today.
But, Granny, you have an automatic clothes dryer that Rain today? That's right.
Oh, I just read the weather forecast in the morning paper and it says fair.
Yeah, it's gonna be a pretty fair rain.
Granny, the government weather bureau says no rain today.
Is that a fact? Granny? Oh, howdy there, Miss Hathaway.
Howdy.
Granny, your soap's hardenin' up real good.
I'd best go out and start cuttin' it into cakes.
It's gonna rain today.
Mr.
Clampett, perhaps you can ease Granny's mind about this rain.
Oh, that don't vex Granny none; she likes rain.
Besides, it don't rain enough out here.
It's not going to rain today.
Who says it ain't? The US.
Weather Bureau.
Who's he? If I had to narrow it down to one he, I guess I would have to say chief meteorologist.
Yeah, them Indians is pretty good at reading rain signs, but I'll go along with Granny.
Mr.
Clampett, the United States Weather Bureau does not depend upon rain signs.
It is a vast complex of highly skilled meteorologists working with the latest scientific equipment.
They send balloons tens of thousands of feet into the air to measure wind velocity, barometric pressure, moisture content, and temperature.
Their radar networks scans the weather all over the continent.
Their weather satellites are out in space, circling the globe.
Now, now, what does Granny have to compare with this in making a weather forecast? Twinges.
Twinges? Them little stabbin' pains in her bones.
I know what twinges are, but they can hardly be considered dependable weather prophets.
I reckon they as good as balloons.
Besides, Granny's got other ways of tellin' when rain's on the way.
She studies ants and spiders and listens to the way the owl hoots and other things.
I'm afraid supersitions and omens cannot compete with knowledge and experience.
Well, I'm glad you're coming around to our way of thinking.
Where's Jethro? Granny's gonna want him to tote that soap in before it rains.
He's gone to Dr.
Twombly's office.
Good, he's gonna need that health certificate at school.
I've got to have it before I can graduate the fifth grade.
You're in the fifth grade? Yes, sir.
Fixin' to scoot right on up into the sixth grade quick as you can give me my certificate of health.
Jethro, a simple physical examination's no problem.
I want to explore your mental capacity.
Your cerebral region.
Should I take off my shirt? No, that won't be necessary.
Just make yourself comfortable on the couch over there.
Well, what did you do to your thumb? Oh, uh, I have a patient who thinks he's a dog.
I hope this examination won't take too long.
I got to get to school before it rains.
Oh, you don't have to worry about that, Jethro.
It isn't going to rain.
Oh, yes it is.
Granny says so.
When Granny says something is gonna happen, it happens.
Sounds like she has remarkable powers.
Strongest little woman you ever did see.
I meant clairvoyant powers.
Would you say she's a medium? No, sir, I'd say she's a small.
But she's strong as a medium.
And if she ever took a switch to you, you'd know it.
Has she ever taken a switch to you? Oh, she sure has.
Whew.
And you stood for it? Last time, I stood for pert near two days.
Sounds like your grandmother is rather savage.
Sometimes she's as ornery as a mudwasp in a dry gourd.
Violent temper, hmm? I'll say.
You're afraid of her? - Oh, yes, sir.
- She's vicious? - Oh, that's a fact.
- Mean? - Darn tootin'! - Cruel? Oh, yes, sir.
You hate her.
Granny? Why she's the sweetest little woman that ever lived.
But you said she whips you.
She sure does.
How often? Just as often as I need it.
Jethro, you're quite a remarkable boy.
Oh, is the examination over? No, no, no.
Just lie down.
Now, you say you don't hate your grandmother.
But how do you feel about your uncle Jed? Is he a strict disciplinarian? Uncle Jed says that's nobody's business.
What? He says it don't matter what church you go to, just so long as you go.
My question wasn't about religion.
Well, if you ever get one, you just ask Uncle Jed, 'cause he can quote the good book cover to cover.
That's wonderful.
So you like your uncle Jed? Oh, yes, sir.
Back home, I used to brag that Uncle Jed could out-shoot, out-lift, out-hunt, out-fight, and out-figure any man in them there hills.
I see.
Back home, you were proud of him, hmm? Oh, yes, sir.
But now that you're in Beverly Hills, surrounded by well-educated, well-d reseed, sophisticated, important, successful men, you still brag about him? No, sir, I don't.
Uh-huh.
Why not? Uncle Jed says it's sinful to shame these puny little city fellers.
There you are, Jed.
Howdy, Miss Hathaway.
Hello, Mrs.
Bodine.
I'm so glad you're here.
I just put the last stitch in Elly May's brand-new dress and I'd like for you to see it.
Oh, I'd love to.
Elly May, come on down.
By doggies, when it comes to fancy sewing and dress-makin', ain't nobody sits higher on the stump than my cousin Pearl.
Well, that's the truth.
I know, but it embarrasses me.
Kind of busy, isn't it? By doggies, I betcha Beverly Hills ain't ever seen a dress like that.
You have my word on it.
It ain't so much.
Ain't, she says.
Look at her, grinnin' like a butcher's dog.
You mean you-you did this all yourself? Every puff, ruffle, gusset, gore, and eyelet.
Let's go show it to Granny and Jethro.
Oh, Mrs.
Bodine, Jethro is in Dr.
Twombly's office.
Miss Hathaway, how well do you know that there Dr.
Twombly? Well, I'm not a patient of his, but he has a very big reputation.
I think I know how he got it.
What do you mean? I wasn't in his office for two minutes, and he tried to lure me to his couch.
Well, he does that with everybody.
He's a psychiatrist.
Yeah, he admitted that to me, and I told him he ought to try and get himself cured.
Psychiatry is what he practices.
Well, he ain't gonna practice on Pearl.
Now then, Jethro, as I've already explained, sometimes we have hostilities and aggressions which are so deeply hidden from our conscious mind, that they reveal themselves only in our dreams.
Now, please, try again to recall for me a few of your dreams.
Jethro.
Hmm? Hmm? I want you to tell me about your dreams.
You keep asking me about my dreams, but you won't let me sleep long enough to have one.
Let's forget about the dreams and go back to your conscious relationship with your family.
Now, we've established that you love your mother, adore your grandmother, and worship your Uncle Jed.
How do you feel about your cousin, Elly May? Dr.
Twombly, there is times when I'd like to whup the tar outta that girl.
Uh-huh.
And just when is that? When she whups the tar outta me! What do you mean? Well, she's all the time wrasslin' me down, gettin' a toehold or an armlock on me.
And that smarts! You mean to tell me that that beautiful and fragile-looking girl could engage you in combat and emerge victorious? No, sir.
But she can whup the tar outta me wrasslin'! And that makes you angry.
You bet! You want revenge.
Yes, sir! She disgraces you.
- Yes, sir.
- Shames you.
Yes, sir! And you hate her.
Elly May? Well, shucks, no.
I'd cut off my right arm for her.
Jethro, don't you hate anybody? Well, I'm commencin' to get a might putout with you for not giving me my certificate of health.
All right, Jethro.
You take this note to Dr.
Wilson across the hall, and he'll give you your certificate for school.
Thank you.
Oh, howdy, Mr.
Drysdale.
Well, Jethro, hello.
You goin' in to see Dr.
Twombly? Briefly, yes.
Do you hate your mother? No.
Well, don't tell the doctor.
Seems to disappoint him something awful.
Come in.
Hello, Gene.
Oh, Milburn.
Oh, biting nails again? Uh, your wife was scheduled for this hour.
Yes, I know.
She just called me from the beauty parlor.
She's running a little late there and felt she needed that more than this.
And, uh, I have to agree.
Your wife's doing fine.
She's greatly improved.
Oh, really? You know, it's hard to believe that once she was worse than she is now.
Oh, I'm greatly indebted to both of you for putting me in contact with that wonderful Clampett family.
Fascinating, aren't they? Remarkable.
Jethro is the most uncomplicated teenager I've ever met.
The whole family's uncomplicated.
Happy as hogs in a mud wailer.
You are close to them.
I'm proud of them.
You're just the man to get me back in their good graces.
Oh? What happened? Jethro's mother misunderstood my invitation to the couch.
I'm persona non grata up there.
You just come with me.
I can fix that.
Wonderful.
I'm especially anxious to question Granny.
That little woman is a walking encyclopedia of mountain medicine, superstition, and phenomena.
She absolutely fascinates me.
By dingies, Elly May, you're prettier than a red-wing blackbird sittin' on a yellow pumpkin.
Thank you, Granny.
But it's Aunt Pearl's dress that does it.
Is this all hand-worked lace, Pearl? Every stitch of lace, braid, ribbon, and bow.
I put a lot into that dress.
Elly May's put considerable into it herself.
Elly May, Miss Jane here's got a right dandy idea.
She wants to take you out shopping for some other dresses.
What? Now, don't get your hackles up, Pearl.
I reckon she wants to save this one for best.
Exactly.
A dress like this should should not be worn too often.
It would be a chore to wash and iron it.
That's the truth.
Well, now, run along, girls, but be back before 3:00.
Well, do we have to, Pa? Well, you don't want to get caught out in the rain on that dress.
That's when you said it was gonna come down, wasn't it, Granny? It's gonna start to shower at 3:00.
Granny, it isn't Nevermind.
Come along, Elly May.
Granny, maybe I ought to ride into town with them and stop off at Dr.
Twombly's office.
See what's happened with Jethro.
Pearl.
Don't throw yourself at that goomer doctor.
Oh, he ain't no goomer doctor.
Well, he ain't a regular doctor.
I asked him.
I says, "How do ya cure warts?" And he commences giving me a lot of talk about a electric needle.
Right quick, I says, "How you gonna thread it, with bailin' wire?" He had no answer for that one.
Yes.
Maybe he ain't just the best doctor that ever come along, but I kinda like him.
Well, I still say don't throw yourself at him, Pearl.
If you want to see him, I'll conjure him over here.
How? My love charm.
I got one all whomped up.
All it needs is a little startin' powder, and you to say the magic words.
Granny, I don't hold with conjures and love charms.
Pearl.
With your boy in a Beverly Hills school, why do you want to stay so ignorant? They don't use this kind of stuff in Beverly Hills.
Ah, that's why it's so powerful out here.
They don't know how to fight it.
Open the pouch a might, and I'll sift in a little startin' powder, and then you hold it to your heart and you say the magic words.
Granny, I don't know how to do it.
I'll show ya.
Now you watch.
Darlin', darlin', my true love.
Come a-swoopin' like a dove.
Oh, Granny.
Granny! There's somebody here to see you.
Granny, I couldn't wait to see you again.
Great clouds of gnats, I conjured him for myself.
Get away from me.
It's Pearl you want, not me! Toads and buzzards, bats so mean, switch the spell to Pearl Bodine.
Get away from me! Granny, what I wanted to say You stay away from me! But Mr.
Clampett, you don't understand, I just Just calm down, Dr.
Twombly.
Get over here and sit on the sofa whilst you get a grip on yourself.
Well, I'll be getting back to the bank, Gene.
I see you're in good hands.
No, Milburn, wait! WAN-What's going on? Explain it to me.
Me, explain the behavior of these uncomplicated people to Beverly Hills' leading psychiatrist? No, Milburn, wait.
Sorry, I want to pick up my wife at the beauty shop before the rain.
Rain? What rain? The forecast says clear.
You'll learn.
So long, scientist.
Mr.
Clampett, I am perfectly all right.
All I want to do is see Granny.
I know that, but you gotta control the urge till she can break the spell.
What spell? The one she thrower! On you by accident.
I'd like to talk to her about it.
Sure you would, but just simmer down a little first.
I told you that love charm would work twice as powerful on these Beverly Hills men.
I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.
I tried to switch it over to you, but it had too strong a hold on him.
I'll have to break the spell now with my lettin' go powder and then start all over for you.
Now, understand me, I don't blame you for the way you feel.
Ain't no finer women growed in the whole world than the hills back home.
Now, you take my cousin Pearl.
Powder, powder, white as snow, make the spell of love let go! The spell's broke, Jed.
You can let him go now.
Oh, Granny, wait.
What did you do to me? Come back.
I want to talk to you, Granny, please.
Granny, looks like the spell ain't broken.
Never seen a man held so tight in the grip of love.
You gotta remember, this fella's a psychiatrist to start with.
Now, stay right where you are, Doctor.
I'll bring Granny in to see you just like a promised, and Pearl, too! Jed, how do I look? Fetching as a fat hog on market day.
Let's go see how Granny's doin'.
Granny? Granny! By doggies, you'd scare away vultures.
I sure do appreciate this, Granny.
Me, too.
Come on.
I'm glad to get shed of the rascal.
Why, there must be 30, 40 years' difference in our ages.
At least.
I'm not about to get mixed up in one of them May and December courtships.
I don't blame ya.
Come on.
Here they are.
Oh.
Bonjour, Monsieur doctor.
No'.
Wait, come back, I want to see you! I didn't I never got to You didn't let Pearl, I never see a spell to beat this'n.
I got him settled down.
I think I found his weak spot, Pearl.
What's that? He's mighty fond of music.
Come on in and yodel for him.
Jed, I just can't bust out yodelin' for no reason.
Well, don't worry, I'll lead you into it, real natural.
Well, I just hope it helps to get his mind off Granny.
Me, too, Pearl.
I'm gettin' awful tired of that young feller a-chasin' me.
Why, there must be 20 years difference in our ages.
At least.
Come on, Pearl.
By dingies, Daisy, it was your love charm that got him started.
But maybe it's your own charm that keeps him goin'.
Say, Dr.
Twombly, did I ever tell you about my cousin Pearl here bein' a extra fine cook and housekeeper? Yes, you did.
Did I tell you about her dress-makin'? Yes.
Sock darnin' and shirt mendin'? Yes.
Well, uh, speakin' of yodelin' Cut loose, Pearl.
You ever hear anything like that, Doctor? Never.
You got any requests? Yes, I'd like to see Granny.
Granny! Granny! I'm back in school, Granny! Ain't you spruced up.
Quiet down, boy.
There's company in the parlor.
Who? Dr.
Twombly.
So that's how come you so fancy dressed up and smellin' with vanilla extract? Of course not.
He's right taken with you, Granny.
He's been asking me a lot of questions about you.
Oh, don't be silly.
Why, there's at least five or ten years difference in our ages.
How many? Go put the truck away.
It's gonna start to rain.
But, Granny, the paper says that Scoot when I tell ya! Did I hear Jeth? Oh, here you are, Granny.
Thank goodness.
At last, maybe we can be alone together for a little while.
I've got so much to talk to you about.
Before we begin, I want to remind you that I ain't no spring chicken.
I couldn't care less.
I'm glad you're the age you are.
Well, you ain't exactly just hatched out of the egg yourself.
So much the better.
Gives us more in common.
Well, as long as you got your eyes wide open, let's go into the parlor.
No, no, wait.
I've got a better idea.
We'll only be interrupted in there.
My car's out front.
We'll go for a drive.
We can talk much better that way.
Is that your car out front with no top on it? Yes, I always take the top off this time of the year.
But we can't go drivin' 'cause it's gonna start to rain.
No, it isn't.
No, I'd say it is.
I heard the news on the way over.
The weather forecast is for clear skies.
What time is it? A little before 3:00.
It's gonna start to shower any minute.
No, it isn't.
No, I'd say it is.
What makes you think so? I've been reading the signs.
What signs? The way the ants is bankin' the dirt up in front of their holes, and the owl is hootin' close to the house during the day.
Fascinating.
Come on.
You can tell me all about it while we drive around.
I told ya, I ain't goin' driving in the rain.
But, Granny, it isn't going to rain.
You are the muliest goomer of a doctor I ever did see.
- Come on.
- Hang on, Granny.
Help is a-comin'! See? I knew this would happen if we stayed here.
Leave him be, Jed.
We's old enough to know what we's doin'.
Besides, he's gotta get his car under cover before the rain hits.
It isn't going to rain.
Now look, let me show you.
Look.
Did you ever see such a clear, blue sky, such a What's that black thing? That's a rain cloud.
By doggies, Granny, you hit it right on the nose.
Oh, my car.
That poor fella's gonna get soaked, but I reckon a cold shower won't hurt him none.
Might've even broke the love spell you throwed on him, Granny.
Oh, I don't care about that no more.
Things wouldn't've worked out between him and me, no way.
Well, what do you mean? He's too old and set in his ways.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways presentation.