Clarence US (2014) s01e37 Episode Script
Hurricane Dillis
1 I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! Things are fine Everything is peaches in the sweet sunshine Things are good Everything is going smoothly, as it should Peaches in the sweet sunshine Going smoothly, as it should Peaches in the sweet sunshine Going smoothly, as it should I saw that.
You're picking your nose.
That means that I can pick my nose now, too.
What?! Clarence.
No, I wasn't, and neither should you, all right? - I just had an itch.
- Ohh.
Okay.
Hey, Chad, I thought that Mom was picking her nose, but then she said that it was just an itch, but it looked exactly like she was picking it.
Well, then she probably was, Clarence.
Your eyes don't lie, but your mouth can.
Like, the words that you say I mean um, yeah.
What are you guys talking about? Oh, well, we were just talking about how some people pick certain excuses instead of telling the truth.
Oh, come on! It was itchy.
Sure.
Okay.
Whatever you say.
- "Snot" my problem.
- Okay, that's not even funny.
Oh, could you help me with my bags? I haven't taken a cab drive in years because I was afraid of those reckless drivers.
I mean, we're here and everything.
I'm just not sure if I can tip you, you know, 'cause I only have so much cash.
And you're a good driver, but you scared me! That one point during our drive, I thought I saw you drive through a stoplight.
It was green, lady.
- I would never break the law.
- Well, I'm not saying you were a bad driver.
You're a very good driver.
In fact, it's just, I don't have the money here.
Should I answer the door? Oh, thank you very much for carrying my bags.
This is the place! Oh, this is so exciting! I wonder if they're home.
Oh, I hope so.
Hello?! Mary?! Honey?! I'm here! Open up! Oh, it's very dark out here very, very dark, and I'm Guess I'll just answer it.
Thanks for nothin', lady! Huh? Mary! Oh, my Mary! Oh, it's good to see you! - You're, uh - Hey, Ma.
Oh, I'm so sorry to just drop in, eh, surprise like this, but I just got thinking of you.
- Nice to meet you - And the boy! Is it a boy? I haven't seen you in two years! Well, don't just stand there! Give your Nana Wendle a hug! Did you get that card? I sent you a card oh, I can't remember.
Was it Easter? Some other holiday? Mrs.
Wendle! Oh, my goodness! Who is this? Damien! You look different.
Your face it looks different.
It's in a different shape.
Ma, no.
Damien's gone.
This is my boyfriend, Chad.
Yeah.
Pleased to meet you, Mrs.
Wendle.
Chad? Oh, I was hoping to see Damien.
He was sort of he was such a gentleman, and he had a Well, Ma, we were just about to sit down to dinner.
Uh, would you like to join us? Oh! Yes.
That'd be lovely.
I would just absolutely adore a sit-down meal with my daughter and grandson Strange man.
Oh! Look at this! This is your home.
Oh, even this corner, where it doesn't look like you've cleaned.
I hear mold is a major issue these days, have you ever gotten tested for mold? I've been tested.
- Like I say, your father wasn't up for visiting, - 'Scuse me but I so very desperately wanted to see you and the boy.
- Um, 'scuse me - You know, we're not getting any younger, - and it's hard because he's got his, uh, - Um, 'scu 'scuse me - fibromyalgia, and then I've got corns.
- Um, excuse me.
H-How come you smell like burnt pennies all the time? Hey, hey! Check it out! Okay, Clarence, hand me my dragon sword.
Your dragon knife has arrived.
Do the sound.
Do the sound.
Do the sound.
Do the sound.
Do the sound.
Shinggggg! It is now my honor to What is that?! Oh, I don't know.
It's a little extreme for a meatloaf.
Oh, it's too sharp! You should be wearing gloves.
Maybe you should you should put that down.
I got some better utensils in my purse here.
No, no.
Now, hold on a second.
I know I got something in here.
I just went I got my thesaurus, okay.
There's the salsa flier.
Ohh.
Where did I put it? Ah! There we go! It is my honor to Here.
Let me just cut this for you.
- Oh! Ha.
Really, it's - You stab it! - Uh, it's okay.
- You stab let me show you.
- Let me show you! - I got it.
All right, run it under cold water.
It's okay.
Oh, I can't believe that happened.
Oh, my! Now, where am I gonna sleep? I peeked into Clarence's room and I saw his lovely bunk bed.
- That top bunk would be ideal for me.
- Okay, okay, sure.
Yeah.
Uh, you can sleep with Clarence.
All right, hon? Oh! I'd love to have one of your pictures! This one.
Uh, you actually can't have any of these, because they're part of a storyboard of a movie I'm making.
Oh.
Well, then, what about this hippo? Um, that that's actually a really important thing I need, too, because I got to keep it 'cause that guy's a guy that drives a train that I'm making.
Oh.
Well, there's got to be something in here you don't want, like a like a Would you please give me that? Um I have to leave now.
Can I sleep in here with you guys tonight? Ohh.
Come on, little man.
It's just for one night.
- Right, Mary? - I don't know.
Mary, you only have liquid soap? I can't use liquid soap because it doesn't clean as well as the regular soap bar.
And, oh, I never used this kind of hard soap before.
I hope it doesn't give me a rash.
Mary! This soap smells just glorious! It's like a fantastic-smelling soap on a rope! - My special soap! - I'm so used to salves - Shh! Just pretend you're asleep.
- and sauces and unguents - She'll go away.
- and poultices but this is really nice.
It's better than a jam or a jelly.
Mary? Are you even in there? Oh! There you are, Mary! I was worried.
I you didn't answer me.
I thought you I thought you had fallen asleep! I'll talk to her in the morning.
Roo-ooo-ooo-ooo Oh! Uh the toaster, it's, uh I need a hose.
It's not working, so I Are those groceries? Yeah, sometimes I like to help out around here.
You know, that's just what Chad does.
Oh, that's nice.
Well, let me just help.
- Oh, uhokay.
- Well, what kind of car do you drive? Uh, I don't have a car.
We share Mary's.
Oh.
You don't have your own car.
Damien had a great car a beautiful blue sedan with So, on the cruise, I met this woman who wrote a memoir about her life, and she self-published it, and it was wonderful! I mean, it wasn't very good, but it was funny! I mean, it was just funny that she wrote it, really.
That sheep looks really good there, Julien.
- Great work, you guys.
- I'll be right back.
- I got to whizz.
- Did you finish it yet? Let me see.
- I can fix it.
I can get in there.
I ca - Yeah, I can hold it.
Was that a sheep on a volcano? Okay, just sign here.
So, uh, this is a good deal and stuff, then? Oh, yeah.
Absolutely.
Just sign here.
Okay, it's just, you know, a five-year payment - plan sounds kind of - And here.
Friend, trust me you need this car.
You were meant for this car.
Alone at last Mary? Where did you get this? I found this covered up under the chair.
Why would you have something like this? It isn't something I raised you to have.
And I don't approve of that tattoo.
Some people just don't understand boundaries.
Pwaugggggh! Nana Wemble tried to fix the TV, but it's not even broken.
Ma! Are you okay?! - Wha?! - Oof! Oh, the kitchen.
Oh, the fridge.
It's still such a mess in there.
I had to finish it.
I-I just wanted to do something to help.
What?! Ma, why is everything out of the fridge? Oh, Mary, I had to.
I mean, I Why aren't your leftovers properly labeled with permanent marker or crayon, at least? Mary, it's all okay.
I was gonna surprise you, but, hey, check it out.
- You know what these are? - Keys? It's a hatchback! Chad, why did you buy a car? We've already got one.
We can't afford another car.
What are you d you're crazy! - Is it blue, like Damien's? - Ma, not now! Mom, Nana ruined my diorama for school.
I just made it better.
The sheep he had the sheep in the wrong place in a volcano.
What are you teaching that boy? You know Ma! The car and our kitchen?! - Now, n Mary, hold on a sec.
- I can't take it anymore! Uh, Mary! Remember what your therapist said.
- You don't stop talking! - Whaaaa! You talk forever! You don't stop yapping your mouth Ugh! You come into my house unannounced And you you take over.
I'm your mother, Mary! Ohhh! Now, just a minute.
Wait a minute, Mary! You take over and you you you come over here - There's no need to get angry! - You broke Clarence's project! You wrecked the kitchen! I can't take it anymore! - Raaaah! - Dilliss! What in the heck are you doing here? We were supposed to drop by for a quick hello and maybe a bite to eat, and instead, you go missing for the last two days? I wake up for checkout, your your bags are gone.
Oh, Seymour.
Thank goodness you're here! - Hi, Dad.
- Hi, honey.
Creedence.
- Okay, bye.
Love you! - Was that Damien? Boy, he's he's looking pretty rough, isn't he? That's what I thought! Thinking, uh maybe do chili tonight.
You're picking your nose.
That means that I can pick my nose now, too.
What?! Clarence.
No, I wasn't, and neither should you, all right? - I just had an itch.
- Ohh.
Okay.
Hey, Chad, I thought that Mom was picking her nose, but then she said that it was just an itch, but it looked exactly like she was picking it.
Well, then she probably was, Clarence.
Your eyes don't lie, but your mouth can.
Like, the words that you say I mean um, yeah.
What are you guys talking about? Oh, well, we were just talking about how some people pick certain excuses instead of telling the truth.
Oh, come on! It was itchy.
Sure.
Okay.
Whatever you say.
- "Snot" my problem.
- Okay, that's not even funny.
Oh, could you help me with my bags? I haven't taken a cab drive in years because I was afraid of those reckless drivers.
I mean, we're here and everything.
I'm just not sure if I can tip you, you know, 'cause I only have so much cash.
And you're a good driver, but you scared me! That one point during our drive, I thought I saw you drive through a stoplight.
It was green, lady.
- I would never break the law.
- Well, I'm not saying you were a bad driver.
You're a very good driver.
In fact, it's just, I don't have the money here.
Should I answer the door? Oh, thank you very much for carrying my bags.
This is the place! Oh, this is so exciting! I wonder if they're home.
Oh, I hope so.
Hello?! Mary?! Honey?! I'm here! Open up! Oh, it's very dark out here very, very dark, and I'm Guess I'll just answer it.
Thanks for nothin', lady! Huh? Mary! Oh, my Mary! Oh, it's good to see you! - You're, uh - Hey, Ma.
Oh, I'm so sorry to just drop in, eh, surprise like this, but I just got thinking of you.
- Nice to meet you - And the boy! Is it a boy? I haven't seen you in two years! Well, don't just stand there! Give your Nana Wendle a hug! Did you get that card? I sent you a card oh, I can't remember.
Was it Easter? Some other holiday? Mrs.
Wendle! Oh, my goodness! Who is this? Damien! You look different.
Your face it looks different.
It's in a different shape.
Ma, no.
Damien's gone.
This is my boyfriend, Chad.
Yeah.
Pleased to meet you, Mrs.
Wendle.
Chad? Oh, I was hoping to see Damien.
He was sort of he was such a gentleman, and he had a Well, Ma, we were just about to sit down to dinner.
Uh, would you like to join us? Oh! Yes.
That'd be lovely.
I would just absolutely adore a sit-down meal with my daughter and grandson Strange man.
Oh! Look at this! This is your home.
Oh, even this corner, where it doesn't look like you've cleaned.
I hear mold is a major issue these days, have you ever gotten tested for mold? I've been tested.
- Like I say, your father wasn't up for visiting, - 'Scuse me but I so very desperately wanted to see you and the boy.
- Um, 'scuse me - You know, we're not getting any younger, - and it's hard because he's got his, uh, - Um, 'scu 'scuse me - fibromyalgia, and then I've got corns.
- Um, excuse me.
H-How come you smell like burnt pennies all the time? Hey, hey! Check it out! Okay, Clarence, hand me my dragon sword.
Your dragon knife has arrived.
Do the sound.
Do the sound.
Do the sound.
Do the sound.
Do the sound.
Shinggggg! It is now my honor to What is that?! Oh, I don't know.
It's a little extreme for a meatloaf.
Oh, it's too sharp! You should be wearing gloves.
Maybe you should you should put that down.
I got some better utensils in my purse here.
No, no.
Now, hold on a second.
I know I got something in here.
I just went I got my thesaurus, okay.
There's the salsa flier.
Ohh.
Where did I put it? Ah! There we go! It is my honor to Here.
Let me just cut this for you.
- Oh! Ha.
Really, it's - You stab it! - Uh, it's okay.
- You stab let me show you.
- Let me show you! - I got it.
All right, run it under cold water.
It's okay.
Oh, I can't believe that happened.
Oh, my! Now, where am I gonna sleep? I peeked into Clarence's room and I saw his lovely bunk bed.
- That top bunk would be ideal for me.
- Okay, okay, sure.
Yeah.
Uh, you can sleep with Clarence.
All right, hon? Oh! I'd love to have one of your pictures! This one.
Uh, you actually can't have any of these, because they're part of a storyboard of a movie I'm making.
Oh.
Well, then, what about this hippo? Um, that that's actually a really important thing I need, too, because I got to keep it 'cause that guy's a guy that drives a train that I'm making.
Oh.
Well, there's got to be something in here you don't want, like a like a Would you please give me that? Um I have to leave now.
Can I sleep in here with you guys tonight? Ohh.
Come on, little man.
It's just for one night.
- Right, Mary? - I don't know.
Mary, you only have liquid soap? I can't use liquid soap because it doesn't clean as well as the regular soap bar.
And, oh, I never used this kind of hard soap before.
I hope it doesn't give me a rash.
Mary! This soap smells just glorious! It's like a fantastic-smelling soap on a rope! - My special soap! - I'm so used to salves - Shh! Just pretend you're asleep.
- and sauces and unguents - She'll go away.
- and poultices but this is really nice.
It's better than a jam or a jelly.
Mary? Are you even in there? Oh! There you are, Mary! I was worried.
I you didn't answer me.
I thought you I thought you had fallen asleep! I'll talk to her in the morning.
Roo-ooo-ooo-ooo Oh! Uh the toaster, it's, uh I need a hose.
It's not working, so I Are those groceries? Yeah, sometimes I like to help out around here.
You know, that's just what Chad does.
Oh, that's nice.
Well, let me just help.
- Oh, uhokay.
- Well, what kind of car do you drive? Uh, I don't have a car.
We share Mary's.
Oh.
You don't have your own car.
Damien had a great car a beautiful blue sedan with So, on the cruise, I met this woman who wrote a memoir about her life, and she self-published it, and it was wonderful! I mean, it wasn't very good, but it was funny! I mean, it was just funny that she wrote it, really.
That sheep looks really good there, Julien.
- Great work, you guys.
- I'll be right back.
- I got to whizz.
- Did you finish it yet? Let me see.
- I can fix it.
I can get in there.
I ca - Yeah, I can hold it.
Was that a sheep on a volcano? Okay, just sign here.
So, uh, this is a good deal and stuff, then? Oh, yeah.
Absolutely.
Just sign here.
Okay, it's just, you know, a five-year payment - plan sounds kind of - And here.
Friend, trust me you need this car.
You were meant for this car.
Alone at last Mary? Where did you get this? I found this covered up under the chair.
Why would you have something like this? It isn't something I raised you to have.
And I don't approve of that tattoo.
Some people just don't understand boundaries.
Pwaugggggh! Nana Wemble tried to fix the TV, but it's not even broken.
Ma! Are you okay?! - Wha?! - Oof! Oh, the kitchen.
Oh, the fridge.
It's still such a mess in there.
I had to finish it.
I-I just wanted to do something to help.
What?! Ma, why is everything out of the fridge? Oh, Mary, I had to.
I mean, I Why aren't your leftovers properly labeled with permanent marker or crayon, at least? Mary, it's all okay.
I was gonna surprise you, but, hey, check it out.
- You know what these are? - Keys? It's a hatchback! Chad, why did you buy a car? We've already got one.
We can't afford another car.
What are you d you're crazy! - Is it blue, like Damien's? - Ma, not now! Mom, Nana ruined my diorama for school.
I just made it better.
The sheep he had the sheep in the wrong place in a volcano.
What are you teaching that boy? You know Ma! The car and our kitchen?! - Now, n Mary, hold on a sec.
- I can't take it anymore! Uh, Mary! Remember what your therapist said.
- You don't stop talking! - Whaaaa! You talk forever! You don't stop yapping your mouth Ugh! You come into my house unannounced And you you take over.
I'm your mother, Mary! Ohhh! Now, just a minute.
Wait a minute, Mary! You take over and you you you come over here - There's no need to get angry! - You broke Clarence's project! You wrecked the kitchen! I can't take it anymore! - Raaaah! - Dilliss! What in the heck are you doing here? We were supposed to drop by for a quick hello and maybe a bite to eat, and instead, you go missing for the last two days? I wake up for checkout, your your bags are gone.
Oh, Seymour.
Thank goodness you're here! - Hi, Dad.
- Hi, honey.
Creedence.
- Okay, bye.
Love you! - Was that Damien? Boy, he's he's looking pretty rough, isn't he? That's what I thought! Thinking, uh maybe do chili tonight.