The Munsters (1964) s01e38 Episode Script

Oh, goody, hopscotch.
[Laughs.]
- [Laughs.]
- Hello, mister.
Oh! Hi there, young fella.
Is that some sort of game you're playing? No, it's not a game.
I've got my head stuck in here.
Oh, my.
Well, uh, in that case, you should summon assistance.
- Huh? - You know, call for help.
But I don't wanna do that, 'cause people would come and laugh at me.
And then my parents would find out and yell at me for being dumb.
Oh, yeah, I know.
That can be annoying.
Allow me.
There you go.
Golly! That was real neat.
You must be the strongest guy in the whole world.
Well, with the possible exception of Li'I Abner.
- What's your name? - Uh, my name's Mr.
Munster.
But you can call me Uncle Herman.
My name is Galen Livingston Stewart, but you may call me Gale.
Oh, thank you.
Pleased to meet you, Gale.
It's been a pleasure saving your life.
Do you come by here every day? Yes, I do.
- Maybe I'll see you tomorrow.
- Oh, that would be real boss.
Uh, that means "keen.
" I just can't wait to tell my parents about you, Uncle Herman.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
So, uh, Eddie, I said to Queen Isabella, "Why not give this Columbus cat the jewels? "I mean, after all, they're not doing anyone any good lying around in the top drawer.
And besides, he might take a cruise and find something good.
" And that, Eddie, is how Columbus discovered America.
Gee, Grandpa, you've had a lot of neat adventures.
Oh, yes, Eddie, over the centuries, you can say I got around.
A very interesting thing happened to me on the way home from work today.
Oh, that's fine.
Eddie, Eddie, don't just sit there.
Wolf down your food.
I was walking along the street today Grandpa, would you slice me another piece of meat? Certainly.
Thank you.
It just so happens that today I saved a boy's life.
Mm, that's fine.
Oh, Grandpa, you're not eating.
Well, doesn't anyone want to hear about my heroic deed? All right, Herman.
What did you do? Yes, Herman, we're listening.
I just might not tell you now.
Good.
Pass the brussels sprouts, please.
Now wait a minute.
I'm gonna tell you what happened, and my whole family's gonna listen! Including my rotten ol' father-in-law.
Okay, Pop, how did you save a boy's life? Well, this boy had his head through an iron fence, and I unbent the bars and let him out.
Big deal.
Well, if I hadn't, his bones would have rotted right there on the sidewalk and hurt the neighborhood and brought down property values and everything.
So there! Herman Munster, you are a plain, ordinary man in a plain, ordinaryjob.
Now why must you insist on these fantastic stories just to get attention? But it's true, dear! It-It's true.
I did save his life.
And his name is Galen Livingston Stewart, and he's my friend.
And I'm gonna meet him there tomorrow.
Herman, you and your stories.
Sometimes you act so childish, it's hard to believe you're 150 years old.
Galen Livingston Stewart, you and your stories.
Sometimes you act so childish, it's hard to believe you're nine years old.
But it did happen, Mom.
He did save my life, and he told me to call him Uncle Herman.
Just what did this Uncle Herman look like, son? Well, he's about nine feet tall, and his head was flat.
He had these things sticking out of his neck.
His hands were sewed on to his wrists, and he's all green.
Galen Stewart, you get upstairs to bed this instant.
But it's true, Mom.
There is an Uncle Herman.
All right, upstairs, young man.
And I've warned you about telling these fantastic stories before.
Excuse me.
I ask you, John, where would Galen get these ideas about these weird-looking, frightening creatures? I don't know, dear.
Maybe he spent too much time with your relatives.
There we are.
Hey, that looks pretty neat.
What is it? What is it? It's my old movie projector.
I got it out of the attic.
I'm gonna show some of my home movies.
I put a new motor in it.
[Door Creaks.]
[Squeaking.]
That's great! That's a 300-cubic-inch squirrel with overhead cam and hydraulic lifts.
How long have you been taking home movies, Grandpa? All my life.
As a matter of fact, I was taking movies 300 years before the camera was invented.
- Gee, that must have been hard.
- Of course it was.
And I'll tell you something else.
There wasn't even a drugstore to develop the film.
[Lily.]
Grandpa.
! Eddie.
! Is Herman down there with you? No, Mom.
Grandpa and I are just goofin' off by ourselves.
[Door Creaks.]
Uncle Herman should be home by now.
I know.
But, you see, down at the parlor, they put him in charge of the complaint department.
He may be working late, straightening out a customer.
Boo! [Yells.]
Boy, Uncle Herman, I really scared you, didn't I? Oh.
Oh, it's you, Gale.
I almost jumped out of my skin.
And in this cold weather, that can be very uncomfortable.
Say listen, Gale, I'm on my way home right now.
And I have a little boy at home just your age.
How would you like to come along and meet him? That'd be great.
Oh, good.
Come on.
It's just a few blocks.
Oh, uh, just a minute.
[Laughs.]
Nothing, really.
[Door Creaks.]
Yoo-hoo, Herman's home! Boy, this is the neatest house I've ever been in.
Oh, you're just saying that.
Come on.
[Marilyn.]
Oh, there you are.
! You have company.
Yes.
I would like you to meet Galen Livingston Stewart.
How do you Uncle Herman, is this your mommy? Oh, heavens, no.
This is our poor, unfortunate niece, Marilyn.
The rest of the family's down in the dungeon.
Grandpa's going to show some home movies.
Oh, that sounds like fun.
Would you like to see them, Gale? - I think that'd be a gas.
- Perceptive little fellow, isn't he? [Door Creaks.]
After you, Marilyn.
[Projector Whirring.]
Grandpa.
Grandpa.
Uncle Herman's here, and he's brought a friend.
Oh, dear.
I hope it's not another one of those stuffed shirts from the parlor.
Grandpa, Lily, Eddie, I would like you to meet the little boy whose life I saved and who will be eternally grateful [Chuckles.]
Galen Stewart.
[Eddie.]
Hi, Gale.
Hi.
Oh, hello.
Hello, little boy.
Hello.
Hiya, kid.
Now here, sit right down here, and don't make any noise during the movies.
[Plastic Crinkling.]
Hmm? [Loud Crunching.]
Herman, please! [Projector Whirring.]
That's when I played the Loew's Palermo with my magic act.
I brought the house down every night.
Oh, I remember that.
That's the time with that backyard barbecue at Pompeii.
Things went a little out of hand.
[Lily.]
Oh, look, Grandpa.
Those are the shots you took of King Arthur.
Yeah, he was mad at the Saxon gang for stealing the hubcaps off his chariot.
Boy, there was some rumble down at the old stone bridge.
A lot of water went under that bridge.
[Grandpa.]
Yeah, and a lot ofknights too.
Oh, there are those two fun fellows, Burke and Hare.
I remember we were going out on a party, and they were trying to dig up a couple of friends.
There we are.
Typical Sunday traffic on the Appian Way.
[Lily.]
L-I think the fellow on the left is looking for the off-ramp.
He never did find it.
Well, well, well, the old homestead.
Gale, that's where I spent most of my childhood, in three different jars.
[Lily.]
Oh, dear, look.
! There's my old music teacher before he went with Guy Lombardo.
[Eddie.]
Hejust disappeared.
No, I think he just took five.
And the house has trapdoors and secret panels.
And their little kid Eddie has fangs and pointed ears.
And his grandfather's about 400 years old and looks like Dracula.
I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life! And the mother has long black hair, and she's green like Uncle Herman.
And they've got a real, real neat pet, who lives under the stairs and breathes fire and smoke.
And they showed home movies of the burning of Rome and all that kind of stuff.
Out! Huh? I said out! You get up to your room and don't you leave it until you're told.
But what if I get hungry? Well, maybe your green Uncle Herman will come on over with a nice big, fat, juicy Dracula burger.
Charcoal-broiled by that pet that lives under the stairs.
Out! Yes, sir.
John, what are we going to do about Galen? His imagination is just fantastic, those ridiculous lies.
I don't know.
I think it's getting serious.
I think I'll have to take him to a good psychiatrist and see if he can't get to the bottom of these weird fantasies.
John.
Hmm.
Did you make up wild stories like that when you were his age? Certainly not.
Well, I made up stories about Indians and people getting scalped and guys being eaten by cannibals, but I had a perfectly normal childhood.
?? [Humming.]
What are you doing, Aunt Lily? I'm filling the wastebaskets, Marilyn.
Oh, dear.
I hope I have enough trash to go around.
Well, the trashman will be here tomorrow.
I'm sure we can get by till then.
Hey, Mom, is Pop home from work yet? Not yet, Eddie.
He'll be here soon.
Well, I want him to help me to find Spot.
He got out of his yard again.
Oh, dear.
The last time he got out, he went over to Grant Avenue and ate all the tops off the telephone poles.
[Door Opens, Closes.]
Oh, Herman, there you are, dear.
Hey, Pop, have you seen Spot? [Sighs.]
No.
And I didn't see Gale either.
I waited for him a half hour today, but he didn't show up.
I had to play two games of hopscotch by myself.
Well, may-maybe he had to stay after school or something.
No, dear, I'm afraid not.
I haven't seen him for three whole days.
I'm afraid he just doesn't want to see me anymore.
Oh, Herman.
You can't expect to be a big hero and save a boy's life every day.
Normal people like us just don't have exciting adventures all the time.
Well, my life is duller than most.
The most exciting thing that happened to me before this was 20 years ago, when a man stopped me on the street and asked me if I was voting for Alf Landon.
Well, d-don't worry about Galen, Herman.
You'll see him again.
He's probably at home now, playing with some friend who's more on his own age level.
Sure, Pop.
Come on and help me find Spot.
Well I think he'll come if you whistle for him.
All right.
Spot! Here, Spot! [Foghorn Blasts.]
[German Accent.]
So, this, uh, playmate of yours, this Uncle Herman, is nine foot tall, he's all green in the face.
Und on top of his neck, his head is bolted on, ja? Yes.
And he lives in a neat old haunted house with a dungeon.
And they have a real neat pet who lives under the stairs and breathes fire.
You see, Mr.
And Mrs.
Stewart, you have here a very intelligent boy.
He remembers all the details.
[Laughs.]
Now, young man, if you'll be so nice, you'll go upstairs to your room and wait.
Ja? Good boy.
Stay away from the windows.
Uh, what do you think, Dr.
Leinbach? What do I think? Well, I think Well, I think that the boy has obsessive juvenile fantasies, coupled with an overstimulated psyche.
In other words, he is creating a fantasy world of his own.
See, of course, in reality, we know that there is no nine-foot giant.
There is no haunted house.
There is no dungeon.
- You mean he makes it all up? - Ja.
You see, the little Kind looks at nothing and sees something.
Looking at nothing and seeing something oh, oh, oh, that's bad.
Of course, looking at something and seeing nothing, that ain't so good either.
Well, what should we do, Dr.
Leinbach? Well, the first thing you've got to do is to get him to a doctor.
Well, that's why I called you.
Ja.
Now let me see if I can think of somebody.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What are we doing here? I'm a doctor.
[Laughs.]
I'm a doctor.
I forget sometimes.
Uh, what do you suggest? Ah, well, I think we have to rid the boy of these illusions by exposing them as false.
You see, now I, myself, will take little Galen personally by the hand to this fictitious house with these fictitious people, and then when he sees the reality that there is no such house and there is no such people, he's cured, ja? Yeah.
Now, please, the boy from the room, call down.
Call Galen.
Galen, would you come down now? Yeah, come on down, son.
You and me, we're going to take a little walk and meet your Uncle Herman face-to-face.
Ja? [Laughs.]
[Roaring.]
Now none of that, Spot.
Sit! Stay! Now, Spot, cut that out.
That Spot.
Thanks for helping me find him, Dad.
Oh, that's quite all right, Eddie.
But you must remember to keep him chained in the backyard.
And we've got to break him of that habit of sneaking down to the wrecking yard and begging for leftovers.
Yeah.
Last week he got ahold of an old Edsel, and he was sick for three days.
Hey, Grandpa's taking his nap.
Would you come down in the dungeon and run some more of his home movies for me? Sure.
Which ones would you like to see, Eddie? Oh, how about the track meet in Transylvania you were in, when you were a young guy? Oh, you mean that cross-country run? Yeah.
You know, Eddie, I was so far ahead of the pack, the crowd had to run after me with torches to show me the finish line.
[Chuckles.]
Come on.
[Wolf Howling.]
See, Dr.
Leinbach, there is too such a house.
Ja, ja, I see a house.
But I also know little boys.
You see an old, broken-down house, and you imagine that it's haunted with green men and dungeons and all sorts of crazy things.
But this is where Uncle Herman lives.
I want you to meet him.
Sure.
Sure.
Meet your Uncle Herman.
Go on.
We'll knock on the door.
[Knocking Echoes.]
Eh, nobody comes, see? So I prove to you it's an empty house, and you forget all of this nonsense and we go home.
You forget all about it.
All right? Come on.
[Footsteps Approaching.]
Quiet.
Someone's coming.
[Door Creaks.]
Yes? May I help you? Excuse me, lady.
Uh, you live here? Well, yes.
We've lived here for years.
Oh, why hello, Galen.
How are you? Hi, Marilyn.
I brought a friend of mine over.
He wants to meet Aunt Lily, Grandpa, Uncle Herman and Eddie.
Oh, that's just fine.
They're all home.
Won't you come in? If you'll wait just a minute, I'll tell Aunt Lily you're here.
Aunt Lily! Aunt Lily? You see, such a nice lady.
You wanna meet Spot? Spot? Spot? What is a Spot, what? Their pet who lives under the stairs.
I told you about him.
Oh, sure, sure.
Him I gotta meet.
[Roars.]
Leinbach, you didn't see an animal.
In reality, you saw a gas pipe with a leak.
You understand? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Whoever saw a gas pipe with eyes and teeth? Uh, may I help you? Hi, Aunt Lily.
I brought a friend of mine over, Dr.
Leinbach.
Oh, how do you do? Oh, excuse my appearance.
I was just getting some olives out of the jar.
If she was getting olives, I'd hate to see the martinis.
Uh, Marilyn said you wanted to meet the family.
Well, Grandpa's right in here taking his siesta.
Let me wake him up.
No, no, no, no, no! Please, please, don't disturb him.
Oh, all right, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
He hangs around the house like this all the time.
Isn't this a neat place, Dr.
Leinbach? Where's Uncle Herman and Eddie? Oh, well, they're both downstairs in the dungeon.
I'll get them.
Leinbach, get a grip on yourself! You're seeing things the kid made up! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I know what it is.
I didn't wake up this morning.
I'm having one of them Freudian dreams.
Look at him.
Look at him.
Look at him hanging there like a bat.
He can't be real.
I'll pinch him.
[Squeaks Like A Bat.]
No! No! No! No! No! Oh, now here are my two boys now.
Hi, Gale.
Hi, Eddie.
Oh, hi, Gale.
How are you, son? Oh, and who is this you brought with you? Uh, Herman, this is Dr.
Leinbach.
Oh, how do you do, Dr.
Leinbach? [Stammers.]
You are Uncle Herman? - Oh, you're German? - Ja.
Oh, by any chance, did you know my family doctor in Germany Dr.
Frankenstein? He made me what I am today.
Come on.
Come on, Leinbach.
Don't go to pieces.
Remember your training Now you know that what you are seeing over there doesn't really exist.
It's all in the mind.
It's nothing.
So, please, you're going to turn around and walk right through that Uncle Herman as if he was air.
That way you'll prove that he's nothing.
So come on, Siegfried, you can do it, huh? Come on.
Oh, good heavens! What happened? That is the hardest hunk of nothing I ever saw.
Uncle Herman, I think I'd better take him home.
He looks like he might get carsick in the house.
- Oh, that's a shame.
- Stick with me, kid.
I'm a sick man.
Drop in anytime.
[Door Opens, Closes.]
I don't know what kind of a doctor he is, but, you know, he oughta see a psychiatrist.
That's right, Mom and Dad.
We went over to that neat old haunted house.
Dr.
Leinbach met Uncle Herman and the whole family.
Oh, now, Galen Now please, dear.
Please.
Galen, we believe you.
We believe that he met everybody and saw everybody.
He met and saw the pet that breathes fire, and the grandpa who sleeps upside down.
And the little boy with the pointed ears.
And especially green old Uncle Herman.
We believe you.
Now, you've had quite a day.
Why don't you go upstairs and take your nap.
Okay, Pop.
And thank you for believing about Uncle Herman.
That's all right.
John Stewart, what did you do that for? What? Now he'll go on believing in those stories he made up.
Oh, look, honey.
Today, a kid hasn't got very much he can believe in, in the way of fairy stories and giants and knights in armor.
Now if he's got a little Uncle Herman to believe in, let him hold on to it as long as he can.
Maybe you're right, dear.
Oh, by the way, Dr.
Leinbach sent his nurse over today with his bill.
Well, he didn't waste any time, did he? No.
But it's a funny thing.
A well-known doctor like that, writing his bills with a crayon?