Darkwing Duck (1991) s01e39 Episode Script

# Daring duck of mystery Champion of right # Swoops out of the shadows Darkwing owns the night # Somewhere some villain schemes But his number's up # Darkwing Duck When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing, Darkwing Duck # Cloud of smoke and he appears # Master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind that shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure But bad guys are out of luck # 'Cause here comes - # Darkwing Duck - # Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out, you bad boys # Darkwing Duck # [pinball bells ringing.]
[crashing.]
The ever-vigilant vanguard of virtue vehemently surveys his venue for vice and villainy.
Some vices require particularly close attention.
- [rumbling.]
- What the? There's only one force in the universe capable of causing such mischief, such mayhem, such migraines.
- Comet Guy.
- [sings a note.]
Darkwing? Darkwing Duck? Yoo-hoo! Come out, come out wherever you are, I gotta get over there before he ruins my city and my reputation.
[screams.]
- Oopsie.
- [Darkwing.]
Psst! [whispers.]
Comet Guy, over here.
[sings a note.]
There you are! Always a pleasure to see you, Comet Guy.
Just passing through? Or will I be forced to maim you? [sirens approaching.]
Come on, Comet Guy, let's beat it out of here.
All right, Comet Guy, what are you doing here? Yikes! Planet Mertz is in trouble.
You must come at once.
What? I can't go to Mertz.
I'm much too busy thwarting crime right here.
But my entire planet is depending on you.
- Darkwing? - Hmm.
- An entire planet, huh? - [screeches.]
Huh.
Think what that would do for my resume.
What's one city compared to a whole planet? A planet that needs me, me, me, Darkwing Duck! [sings a note.]
No time to waste.
[Darkwing grunting.]
[Darkwing chuckles.]
I don't suppose there's a rest stop? [Comet Guy.]
You should have thought of that before we left home.
Another perfect landing.
[sighs.]
You and Launchpad must've gone to the same flight school.
# Home again home again jiggety-jug # Welcome to Planet Mertz.
It's a parade in your honor, Darkwing.
[crowd chants.]
Hurray, Darkwing Duck! Hurray, Darkwing Duck! - [crowd cheers.]
- Um, by the way, Comet Guy, just what am I doing here, anyway? The most important person on Planet Mertz is missing.
Yep, yep, yep.
Well, enough said, amigo, Oh, great.
This isn't ticker tape, it's adhesive tape.
Adhesive tape is much easier to pick up.
No sweeping.
[grumbles.]
I knew I should've packed my Teflon suit.
As Official Guy of Planet Mertz, I welcome you.
Please accept the key to our city.
This is the happiest day of my life.
[muttering, indistinct.]
- I'll save him! - No, I'll - I believe I shall save him.
- [all arguing.]
Whoo, ahh! [crowd shouting.]
Crimeny, Comet Guy.
I thought you were the only superhero on Mertz.
Did I neglect to mention that everyone on Mertz is a superhero? So, if you're all superheroes, then why wear disguises? [scoffs.]
All superheroes wear disguises.
[both.]
Everyone knows that.
OK, fine.
Time is money, fast is funny.
Who's missing, brilliant scientist, permanent politician, perhaps? Well, not exactly.
It's Ordinary Guy.
The only person on our planet without superpowers.
We simply live to rescue him from peril.
After all, superheroes require someone to save.
- We've looked for him everywhere.
- Yep, yep, yep.
All their superpowers combined and they still can't find one ordinary guy.
- [chuckles.]
So they call me.
- Oh, you're not here to find him.
- [both.]
You are him.
- You're here to replace him.
What?! I can't be an ordinary guy.
I'm Darkwing Duck.
You know, "Terror that flaps in the night.
" Superhero, Earth, stuff like that.
You're a superhero? Comet Guy reported that you have no superhero qualities.
That's ridiculous.
I have scads of superhero qualities.
Feast your eyes on this baby.
Oh, what's this? Watch it! That's not a toy! It's a highly sophisticated gas gun.
[coughing.]
[clears throat.]
Got a little tickle in my throat.
Gee, how does tickling-the-throat gas defeat the enemy? Never mind that.
What about my ultra-secret sonic pitch device, hmm? A sonic pitch device? What's that supposed to do? [tone growing higher-pitched.]
Oh.
I've got thousands of crime fighting devices cleverly hidden on my person.
Your gadgets are all very amusing, but what natural talents do you possess? Well, aside from my dashing good looks, there's my devastatingly effective patented web kick.
[shouting.]
Ouch.
You know, I'd demonstrate it for you but darn this painful bunion.
Is it something like this? Uh, yeah, it's sorta, kinda yeah.
Maybe you have super strength.
Can you do this? Oh, yeah.
Just caught me on a bad day.
What with this, ooh, paper cut, ooh.
Uh, what about this? Can you do anything like this? [laughs.]
Uh, no.
# But I can do a mean soft shoe Da-da-da-da # See, he doesn't have any superpowers.
You don't need superpowers to be a superhero.
I'm no Ordinary Guy, so find someone else.
[all sobbing.]
Pretty please.
OK, OK, OK! [sighs.]
I'll stay and be Ordinary Guy.
- Just cut out the caterwauling.
- Mean it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But only for a few days, you got it? [all cheering.]
[Official Guy.]
I now pronounce you Ordinary Guy.
What, no pocket protector? [chanting.]
We got a brand new Ordinary Guy.
[cackling.]
[Darkwing.]
Ah, this won't be so bad.
Little rest, relaxation.
- What the? - Pay no attention to me.
Wouldn't want you to get sunburned.
Huh? Oh! Right, I got it.
I'll I'll just lie here like an ordinary guy and you'll protect me.
We're here to shield you From the angry sun's hostile rays.
Listen, that's great, but I'm perfectly [sputters.]
safe.
# Out for a walk on a beautiful day # [whistling.]
Ordinary Guy, look out! [muffled.]
I don't need your help.
Hark! Did someone say "help?" [gasps.]
Look! Ordinary Guy is about to cross the street.
That really wasn't necessary.
I'm perfectly safe - [cries out.]
- [crashing.]
I have had it with being Ordinary Guy.
I'm gonna have to find the original sap.
But first, I'm gonna have to distract these guys with a decoy.
This dummy ought to keep 'em busy.
[high-pitched voice.]
Help! I'm perched precariously on the edge of a precipice.
And I think I may fall.
You guys wait here.
I'll fly up and save him.
[stammers.]
Better not come up here.
It could scare me, causing me to plummet to an untimely death.
- [all gasp.]
- Oh, no.
Untimely, I like that one.
[giggles.]
Like taking candy from a baby.
[screaming.]
Hey, what am I worried about? I'll be saved.
This place is crawling with superheroes.
Don't try anything foolish, son.
Where the heck are those guys? What, the dummies have something better to do? Dummy [screaming.]
[screaming.]
[menacing voice.]
That's just a taste of what you've got coming.
[cackling.]
[Comet Guy.]
There you are.
[Darkwing.]
Once again, your timing is impeccable.
We've been waiting to rescue you on the other side, Ordinary Guy.
Quit calling me "Ordinary Guy.
" You guys really need something more important to do, you know? Like vanquishing a villain or something? I've got it.
What you need is a villain to vanquish! Superheroes should have supervillains.
But where we going to find a villain? Mertz is a planet of truth and justice.
Now, if you wanna learn to be a villain, you gotta think like a villain.
- Got that? - Uh, I don't know.
A hero becoming a villain? Are you sure this is for the good of my planet.
Sure I'm sure.
Now, take this guy, Quackerjack, he's what we refer to as a "real sicko.
" A sicko.
Now, write that down.
Go on.
Next, a master of villainy.
Whoops.
That's me at the Christmas party.
[clears throat.]
I was saying.
A master of villainy, Megavolt.
Zoinks! [clears throat.]
Maybe we'd better move on.
[Comet Guy.]
Uh, was I better that time? No, no.
You call that a maniacal laugh? Now once more, with feeling! [goofy laugh.]
Give me strength.
[cackling.]
By Jove, I think he's got it.
[Darkwing.]
Nice choice of location.
Ought to be perfect for our next lesson.
Now, you be the bad guy and tie me up.
- What if you get a rope burn? - No mercy, remember? Think like a villain, you are a villain.
I are a villain.
I am a villain.
Oh, uh, I thought I was supposed to be the villain.
You are the villain! Now act like one! [sings a note.]
Now what are? I told you to tie me up to something dangerous.
But this is a neutron grava-trava-tizer.
A simple buzz saw would've sufficed.
Sorry.
I thought having your molecules shredded and rearranged would be far more excruciating.
Really? This thing can do that? Not bad, Comet Guy.
Now you're getting the hang of it.
[laughs.]
Yeah, well, you've really outdone yourself this time.
- You can untie me now, big guy.
- Yep.
Show no mercy.
OK, class dismissed, you got an "A.
" Oh, no, you don't.
This is a test, isn't it? No mercy.
[clears throat.]
A villain leaves his victims to a fate worse than death, pay attention, you big ape.
[maniacal laughter.]
A-ha! The competent crime fighter cleverly commands control without any superhero's help.
- Did someone say "help?" I'll save him.
- I beg to differ.
I may not know art, but I know what I like.
Sorry, Darkwing.
I had to come back to save you.
I guess I'm just not cut out to be a villain.
That's it! I've had it! I'm out of here.
With superguys like you, who needs villains? Did someone mention villain? - [all gasp.]
- It's it's - It's - Beats the dickens out of me.
Just who are you? What do you want? And who the heck is your tailor? Maybe this will help.
[superheroes.]
Ordinary Guy! Greetings, friend.
What's with the disguise? And why the big ray gun? I'd hate to see the holster for that thing.
All of you stay back.
There's a new villain in town.
[nasal voice.]
And his name is Not-So-Ordinary Guy.
My good man, surely you jest.
You're no villain.
That was before I got fed up with no privacy, no social life, not to mention the beatings I took.
I watched them do to you what they did to me.
Surely you know what I'm talking about? Granted, they are pesky, but you don't see me turning bad.
Well, nyah, nyah, nyah.
Maybe I like being a villain, Mr.
High and Mighty.
If you couldn't hack it as Ordinary Guy, you'll never make it as a villain.
Loser.
Comet Guy, take him out.
But we're supposed to save Ordinary Guy, not hurt him.
You'll pay for your treachery, Mr.
Darkwing Ordinary Duck.
You can be the first to go.
[groans.]
Oh, that gun packs a wallop.
Shame on you, Ordinary Guy.
Now I'll have to destroy this ray gun.
[panting.]
It's for your own good.
[straining.]
Use your comet breath.
[inhales deeply.]
[coughs.]
My strength is gone.
[raspy cough.]
I'm no ordinary guy and this is no ordinary gun.
It's a strength-zapping ray gun.
I'm sick of superheroes with superpowers.
[deep voice.]
Now, you'll all be superwimps.
[cackling.]
Ha! Your celebrated strength is all gone.
Look at you now, you puny namby-pambies.
I'll handle this.
That's Mr.
Namby-Pamby to you, you plug-ugly hooligan.
Let's settle this the old-fashioned way.
[crashing.]
[Ordinary Guy.]
Ooh, now who's plug-ugly, huh? [Official Guy.]
Repeat the question.
[sings a flat note.]
I'm not done with you yet, Ordinary Guy.
[crashing.]
[glass breaking.]
OK, Darkwing Duck.
The jig is up.
Prepare to eat rays.
[all.]
You'll have to go through us first, Ordinary Guy.
All right then, have it your way.
Say goodbye, pinheads.
[Darkwing.]
I am the terror that flaps in the night.
I am the ham radio operator who scrambles your reception.
I am Darkwing Duck! - [crashing.]
- Aw, you broke my gun.
What a gyp.
Well, Ordinary Guy, shall we call it a day? No.
Let's call it a night.
As in good night, Darkwing Duck! - [engine sputters.]
- Dang.
I knew I should've got the extended warranty.
Hey.
The manual didn't say it worked in reverse.
- [gasps.]
Look at me now.
- [thumping footsteps.]
I'm Extraordinary Guy.
Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah! Your natural strengths are nothing compared to mine now.
Phooey.
Now he'll never need saving.
OK, Ordinary Guy, give up while you still have a chance.
Today Mertz, tomorrow the universe.
[crazy laughter.]
- Hey! - Two can play this game, Ordinary Guy.
Now, let's see you pick on someone your own size.
Um, I think I hear my mom calling.
Oh, if only we had our superpowers, we could help Darkwing.
Maybe there's something we can do even without our powers.
[coughs.]
Step aside.
Superheroes coming through.
- Alley-oop.
- [grunts.]
Nice form, but your execution stinks.
[struggling.]
- [thudding.]
- [both grunt.]
- En garde, - [nervous chuckle.]
Did you ever hear the phrase, "might is right"? I don't subscribe to that, do you? Darkwing's really in trouble.
Oh, say, what would he do in this situation? Any last words, pipsqueak? Yes.
Let's get dangerous.
This town's not big enough for the both of us, Ordinary Guy.
Uh did I say "town?" Make that planet.
[Ordinary Guy.]
Look, a falling star! Ha! You can't fool me with that phony distraction.
[both shout.]
- [grunting.]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - [sputters.]
- It's outta juice.
I hate it when that happens.
Next time, I look for the union label.
It works! Ready to have your strength sucked from your body, Darkwing? Uh No, no, not not really.
[groaning.]
Oh, that hurts.
[groaning.]
Quit, will ya? Yeow! Darkwing! Help! An effective villain never shows mercy, which is why I am a superhero.
Oh, perfect.
Just look at this cape.
I wonder if there's a Big 'N' Tall outlet in this galaxy?