Batman s01e42 Episode Script

Be sure the bulbs are spaced far enough apart for proper root growth and remember to give the seedlings plenty of sunlight.
Add just enough water.
Then Hey, I was watching that.
And now you're watching this.
Next, a dog drinks milk out of his owner's mouth.
Change it back.
No, no, no.
Don't want to.
Guard! What's the problem? Don't look now, Sonny Jim, but the plant lady's gone wackers again.
He started it.
I was just sitting here.
That's right.
You're always blaming me.
And the children wonder why we fight.
Crazy I know you are, but what am I? Okay, okay, you'll watch this quietly, or you'll go back to your cells.
I don't care.
You hold my hand, and I'll slug you.
Guard! Just kidding.
Just kidding.
Pammy, lighten up.
This is Summer Gleason live at Gotham Palisades Boardwalk.
Where it's opening day at billionaire Cameron Kaiser's latest showplace resort.
Total price tag for this fun-seeker's mecca, nearly $300 million.
It's true, Summer.
I set out to create the most opulent gambling resort in the world.
What's a few million here and there as long as my guests are happy? Gotham's elite have turned out in style for the opening.
Bruce Wayne, perhaps you can give us a hint about the top-secret theme of Mr.
Kaiser's new casino.
Looks like we'll find out together, Summer.
Ladies and gentlemen, the wait is over.
I officially welcome you, one and all to Jokers Wild.
Say what? Just disgusting.
Summer, we're on the air.
Oh There you have it.
Let's get a reaction from the guests.
- Mr.
Wayne.
- No comment.
Mr.
Kaiser why build a casino seemingly in honor of one of history's most notorious outlaws? Summer, please.
My joker's a classic symbol, long associated with cards and games.
I can't help it if there's a passing resemblance to some criminal fruitcake.
How dare that smug, preening fool try to cash in on my image.
Now who should lighten up? Don't get cute with me, Red.
He's ripping me off.
I'll protest.
Yeah, I'll sue.
Then I'll rip his lungs out.
And I will too.
Take it easy.
I feel dizzy.
Sick Everything's spinning.
Need a doctor.
Oh, Joker? Thanks for the smile.
Hang on.
I'll get Dr.
Bartholomew.
Yes.
Hurry.
Please.
Sucker.
What a maroon.
I know you are, but what am I? The Joker! Exit stage left, laughing all the way.
- Hey! - Excuse me.
- There he is! - Get him! Step right up and play everyone's favorite game, "What's the Joker got in the pail?" Maybe a deadly poison? Or maybe just something to make the floor nice and slippery.
- Hey.
- Look out.
I always did know how to make an exit.
Don't try this at home, kids.
Peekaboo.
Sorry, no riders.
Now to treat Mr.
Cameron Kaiser to a real blowout opening.
I didn't mind driving down here at a moment's notice with your equipment.
And I was happy to dream up a plausible alibi for your date.
But staying in this horrid place pushes even my tolerance.
Mine too.
But I'm convinced it wasn't Kaiser's original goal to make a Joker-themed casino.
- See? - But why the deception? That's what I intend to find out.
"Camelot.
" Looks like Kaiser broke the bank on this place.
What an interesting hobby you've got, Cameron.
Hey, you.
Where are you? Come out and fight.
Jumping Jiminy Christmas.
It's an homage to me.
I'm kind of sorry I have to blow it up.
Go on and open table six.
We got players waiting.
Then again, all work and no play.
Good evening, folks.
The game is blackjack.
Joker's rules, of course.
Blackjack already.
Lucky me.
- Hey.
- Hold on.
Don't be sore losers.
We're here to have fun.
Mr.
Kaiser, that dealer's doing something screwy.
I'm calling security.
No.
Wait.
Mercy me.
Another blackjack.
One might think I had an ace up my sleeve.
Let him deal.
Yes, sir.
You're the boss.
- Try your luck, friend? - Why not? Say, don't I know you? Sure.
Bruce Wayne.
So this is how your family made all those billions.
The secret's out.
And you are? Oh, just a nameless clown, shuffling my life away.
Too bad it has to be in such gruesome surroundings.
Don't care for the décor? Not hardly.
All those horrible faces grinning at me That would do things to my mind after a while.
Who says you have one? Yeah, I'd be ready for the laughing academy if I had to stare at that ugly clown all day.
- Why I ought to - Hit me.
Twenty.
Oh, lucky me.
Twenty-one.
How nice.
A little something for the Wayne Charity Fund.
Good night.
He's here.
Place your bets, folks.
You.
- It's Batman.
- I don't believe it.
- It is Batman.
- What's he doing here? Time to cash out.
Here's where I get off.
Not bad for a starter, but the real fireworks are still to come.
Coming through.
Hot stuff One side, please.
I wouldn't take odds on this place lasting the night.
Helipad.
I want my personal copter ready for takeoff in 20 minutes.
Yes, sir, Mr.
Kaiser.
Going somewhere? First you trash my penthouse, then my casino.
You gonna wreck something else? If I didn't know better, I'd say you wanted this place destroyed.
After spending 300 million to build it? That's not good business, my friend.
I've seen the unpaid bills.
Building this casino has bankrupted you.
That's why you turned it into a target for the Joker.
Once he destroys it, you'll collect the insurance money.
You hit the jackpot, Batman.
But I've got too much at stake to be stopped now.
Ah, you again.
- What do we do with him, boss? - Send him down to his friend.
Kind of slow on the reflexes, eh, Batsy? That car crash must have taken more out of you than I thought.
Wakey, wakey.
Thought you'd like to be conscious for your own demise.
I really put some effort into this one.
Once I spin the wheel you, the casino, and that strutting fool Kaiser will all be blown sky-high.
Not bad, eh? You won't get Kaiser.
He's been playing you for a patsy.
He wants you to blow this place up so he can collect the insurance.
By the time you get clear, Kaiser will be miles away laughing at you.
I hate it when you make sense.
I'll settle my score with Kaiser, man to clown.
But that still doesn't let you off the hook.
How about that, Bats? Looks like your number's up.
- Get me out of here, now.
- Yes, sir.
What happened? Some clown jumped me and grabbed my copter.
Mr.
Kaiser's up there.
What are you circling for, you fool? It was a scheme worthy of me, Kaiser.
The way you got me riled up and turned me loose on this place.
You You were supposed to destroy the casino.
Yeah, but then I realized it'd be more fun to get rid of you, and run the show myself.
But But you can't! Oh, please, Mr.
Kaiser, you of all people should've realized there'd be a joker in the deck.
Why can't he ever stay dead? Got you! Yes.
That's it.
Chew him up, and spit him out.
Stop! You'll kill us all! And so it ended for both ex-billionaire Cameron Kaiser and the Joker.
Enough of this rubbish.
Hey! We were watching that.
- and was returned to Arkham.
You bunch of no-good, whacked-out losers.
You make me sick.