Batman s01e45 Episode Script
What is Reality?
"Where does a 500-pound gorilla sleep?" What is this, some kind of joke? You stupid machine, I want my money.
Hey.
Stupid machine, give me back my money.
Who's in there? Anybody in there? - Sell any market.
- Fill or kill.
- Bid me 20,000.
- The market's on fire.
We're taking a bath on that one.
What's with the bell? The market doesn't close for another 15 minutes.
"What's worse than a millipede with flat feet?" Good Lord, we've got a computer vandal on our hands.
Stop whining, Alfred.
If the ticket's a mistake you can tell the story to the clerk when we get up there.
If I live that long.
I'm sorry, folks, you'll just have to be patient.
The computers are still down.
"How do you get five elephants into a compact car?" - There he is.
- Commissioner, look here.
- Is it true about the clue? - What about the riddles? - Have any new proof? - Any truth to the riddles? Commissioner, can you give me just one answer? So, what's the story on this? We're doing everything we can.
No more questions.
I'm sorry.
Looks like Edward Nygma's making a comeback.
Yeah, Nygma.
He's deleting all his files from every police database we can access.
Look, he's left no trace of any driver's license or social security number.
No bank accounts, credit cards, no birth certificate.
As if he never existed.
But what about the hard copies of? Gordon here.
What? Someone just delivered a crate downstairs with question marks painted on it.
And it's ticking.
Move it, people.
Gordon's orders.
We need this area cleared now.
Gently, gently.
We'll never get it open this way.
We've got a variation on the ancient Chinese puzzle box.
- Can you solve it? - You kidding? You're looking at the guy who solved the Baxter's box puzzle in 37 seconds.
Of course, this time I don't have a sledgehammer.
- Some kind of threat? - More like an invitation.
Careful, vigilante.
You know what they say: Curiosity killed the Bat.
These the papers you wanted, Mr.
Nygma? Of course they are.
Did you make certain these are the only existing copies? They'd better be.
Any idea what these are? We were hoping you could tell us that.
I've got other leads to follow.
Meantime, you search every inch of that mainframe.
And if you find anything unusual, inform me immediately.
"Where does a 500-pound gorilla sleep?" "What's worse than a millipede with flat feet?" And "How do you get five elephants into a compact car?" Anywhere it wants, a giraffe with a sore throat and two in the front seat, two in back, and one in the trunk.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I know.
Any schoolboy knows those.
But brainteasers are the Riddler's m.
O not corny old jokes like these.
Perhaps the questions are the clues, not the answers.
For example, they all seem to involve animals.
Also numbers.
A 500-pound gorilla.
A millipede, meaning 1000 legs.
And five elephants.
Now, let's convert them to Roman numerals.
Look, DMV.
- Department of Motor Vehicles.
- Department of Motor Vehicles.
But I recall you mentioning he'd already obliterated his records there so why return? - For the hard copy.
NYGMA EDWARD Come on, we're out of here.
Well, I never was any good at parallel parking.
And I'm not too clear on the laws about pedestrian right-of-way either.
Now, while you're disabling my van consider the effect of the imminent collision on the nitroglycerin inside.
Your message sounded urgent.
Found something? You bet your I mean, yes, sir.
It's a virtual-reality program.
Instead of a keyboard or joystick you put this puppy on and enter a whole computer-generated world and interact with everything as if it actually existed.
What do you mean? Just watch the screen.
A pixel is worth a thousand words.
Care to try it, commissioner? Sort of like playing a computer game from the inside, isn't it? Amazing, it even feels real.
The military's been experimenting with virtual reality for combat simulation.
- And what's Nygma doing with it? - Nothing, now.
He can't access this computer, it's not hooked up to a phone line.
- Why'd he want us to find it? - Good question.
There's no way to know till I go through all the files.
I should get back to work after I grab a snack.
You hungry? No, thanks.
Batman's young friend is fairly clever, but he doesn't have all the answers.
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no tales.
Another riddle, Nygma? It all makes sense when you add it up.
Four quarters and a penny, sir? Penny, penny.
Cent, red cent.
Copper, it's made of copper.
And copper is another word for policeman.
And "no tails" would be heads.
Police, head, quarters.
Police headquarters.
Bravo, sir.
It does make sense when you add it up.
And four quarters and one penny make 101 cents.
So Police headquarters, room 101.
The commissioner.
- Virtual reality? - Quite so, Batman.
Everything your commissioner's experiencing in here seems so real to him, it might as well be real.
I give his heart another 15 minutes, at most.
He can't be online.
I searched through every file.
You searched the software.
Had you bothered to examine the hardware you would have discovered a cordless modem line.
I wouldn't do that, Batman.
Disconnecting Gordon would be fatal.
The sudden stop would be like slamming into a brick wall at 400 miles an hour.
No, if you wish to get Gordon out alive, you'll have to come in here and get him.
Forget it, the Riddler controls that world.
You wouldn't last a minute.
We'll use these.
They'll let me keep one ear in reality so stay in touch.
One door leads to a plane where kings and queens contend.
Can you find it? - Suggestions, partner? - I'm working on it.
A pity you can't earn extra lives in this game.
Quite an experience, being riddled with questions, isn't it, Batman? Batman, don't open that door.
"Crazy intent" means "loco motive.
" I suppose you expect me to believe you planned that.
But you still haven't found the right door.
Batman, I think I figured out the clue.
The plane where kings and queens contend could mean a chessboard.
Is there a door marked "checkmate" or "black and white"? "4096.
" Wait a minute.
There are 64 squares on a chessboard, right? Yeah.
So? So 4096 is 64 squared.
Only you can put the king in check, vigilante.
Move according to the rules, or it's the end of the day.
Wrong move, Batman.
I've got it.
They call you the Dark Knight.
Then you have to move like a knight.
Two up, one across, because a wrong move means "the end of the day," or "Knight fall," of course.
Nygma, what are you up to now? And why this? That is for me to know and you to deduce, Dark Knight.
If this is a clue, could it have something to do with the Pegasus? Don't look at me.
I flunked Greek mythology, remember? His clues always have a double meaning.
So if Pegasus is also the name of a constellation Now, astronomy I do know.
You're in Orion now.
So you wanna keep going past Taurus.
Then hang a sharp right at Andromeda.
And that should put you right in the constellation Pegasus.
Welcome to Riddlerville, Batman.
Things are a little mixed-up here, but I'm sure you can fix that.
Your commissioner is contained within this cube.
Solve the puzzle and you gain access.
No problemo, Batman.
That's a Baxter's box.
I can guide you through it in No coaching from the peanut gallery.
You have one minute, Batman.
Then the clock strikes 2.
If you can do it, so can I.
I should've known you'd cheat.
Nice try, Batman, but in my world, you play by my rules.
You may control this world, Nygma but I still control myself.
The name is Riddler.
Edward Nygma no longer exists.
You might recall that he was once fired by an ungrateful employer.
That was a private matter and should've remained one.
Attempted homicide is never a private matter, Nygma.
It would've been if you hadn't interfered and turned Nygma into a fugitive.
So I deleted Nygma, just like I'm about to delete you, Batman.
We can keep this up as long as you can.
Any number you can think of, we can double.
Tell me, Riddler, how can you split your focus in 32 directions and sustain concentration to keep your world together? - You can't.
- No.
No! What happened? I can escape that easily too.
But then, if the planet were equitable I'd still have my old job.
No, no, not yet.
No.
Looked like he suffered some kind of attack.
Like a sensory overload or something.
But we'll never know for sure because we'll never find him.
Oh, no? Come on.
I think he left us a clue.
"If the planet were equitable I'd still have my old job.
" Of course: "If the world's fair I'd still have my ex-position.
" Give me a break.
Looks like he didn't escape his virtual reality in time.
You mean he's been trapped inside his own program? Could be.
And how to get him out may be a riddle no one can solve.
Hey.
Stupid machine, give me back my money.
Who's in there? Anybody in there? - Sell any market.
- Fill or kill.
- Bid me 20,000.
- The market's on fire.
We're taking a bath on that one.
What's with the bell? The market doesn't close for another 15 minutes.
"What's worse than a millipede with flat feet?" Good Lord, we've got a computer vandal on our hands.
Stop whining, Alfred.
If the ticket's a mistake you can tell the story to the clerk when we get up there.
If I live that long.
I'm sorry, folks, you'll just have to be patient.
The computers are still down.
"How do you get five elephants into a compact car?" - There he is.
- Commissioner, look here.
- Is it true about the clue? - What about the riddles? - Have any new proof? - Any truth to the riddles? Commissioner, can you give me just one answer? So, what's the story on this? We're doing everything we can.
No more questions.
I'm sorry.
Looks like Edward Nygma's making a comeback.
Yeah, Nygma.
He's deleting all his files from every police database we can access.
Look, he's left no trace of any driver's license or social security number.
No bank accounts, credit cards, no birth certificate.
As if he never existed.
But what about the hard copies of? Gordon here.
What? Someone just delivered a crate downstairs with question marks painted on it.
And it's ticking.
Move it, people.
Gordon's orders.
We need this area cleared now.
Gently, gently.
We'll never get it open this way.
We've got a variation on the ancient Chinese puzzle box.
- Can you solve it? - You kidding? You're looking at the guy who solved the Baxter's box puzzle in 37 seconds.
Of course, this time I don't have a sledgehammer.
- Some kind of threat? - More like an invitation.
Careful, vigilante.
You know what they say: Curiosity killed the Bat.
These the papers you wanted, Mr.
Nygma? Of course they are.
Did you make certain these are the only existing copies? They'd better be.
Any idea what these are? We were hoping you could tell us that.
I've got other leads to follow.
Meantime, you search every inch of that mainframe.
And if you find anything unusual, inform me immediately.
"Where does a 500-pound gorilla sleep?" "What's worse than a millipede with flat feet?" And "How do you get five elephants into a compact car?" Anywhere it wants, a giraffe with a sore throat and two in the front seat, two in back, and one in the trunk.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I know.
Any schoolboy knows those.
But brainteasers are the Riddler's m.
O not corny old jokes like these.
Perhaps the questions are the clues, not the answers.
For example, they all seem to involve animals.
Also numbers.
A 500-pound gorilla.
A millipede, meaning 1000 legs.
And five elephants.
Now, let's convert them to Roman numerals.
Look, DMV.
- Department of Motor Vehicles.
- Department of Motor Vehicles.
But I recall you mentioning he'd already obliterated his records there so why return? - For the hard copy.
NYGMA EDWARD Come on, we're out of here.
Well, I never was any good at parallel parking.
And I'm not too clear on the laws about pedestrian right-of-way either.
Now, while you're disabling my van consider the effect of the imminent collision on the nitroglycerin inside.
Your message sounded urgent.
Found something? You bet your I mean, yes, sir.
It's a virtual-reality program.
Instead of a keyboard or joystick you put this puppy on and enter a whole computer-generated world and interact with everything as if it actually existed.
What do you mean? Just watch the screen.
A pixel is worth a thousand words.
Care to try it, commissioner? Sort of like playing a computer game from the inside, isn't it? Amazing, it even feels real.
The military's been experimenting with virtual reality for combat simulation.
- And what's Nygma doing with it? - Nothing, now.
He can't access this computer, it's not hooked up to a phone line.
- Why'd he want us to find it? - Good question.
There's no way to know till I go through all the files.
I should get back to work after I grab a snack.
You hungry? No, thanks.
Batman's young friend is fairly clever, but he doesn't have all the answers.
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no tales.
Another riddle, Nygma? It all makes sense when you add it up.
Four quarters and a penny, sir? Penny, penny.
Cent, red cent.
Copper, it's made of copper.
And copper is another word for policeman.
And "no tails" would be heads.
Police, head, quarters.
Police headquarters.
Bravo, sir.
It does make sense when you add it up.
And four quarters and one penny make 101 cents.
So Police headquarters, room 101.
The commissioner.
- Virtual reality? - Quite so, Batman.
Everything your commissioner's experiencing in here seems so real to him, it might as well be real.
I give his heart another 15 minutes, at most.
He can't be online.
I searched through every file.
You searched the software.
Had you bothered to examine the hardware you would have discovered a cordless modem line.
I wouldn't do that, Batman.
Disconnecting Gordon would be fatal.
The sudden stop would be like slamming into a brick wall at 400 miles an hour.
No, if you wish to get Gordon out alive, you'll have to come in here and get him.
Forget it, the Riddler controls that world.
You wouldn't last a minute.
We'll use these.
They'll let me keep one ear in reality so stay in touch.
One door leads to a plane where kings and queens contend.
Can you find it? - Suggestions, partner? - I'm working on it.
A pity you can't earn extra lives in this game.
Quite an experience, being riddled with questions, isn't it, Batman? Batman, don't open that door.
"Crazy intent" means "loco motive.
" I suppose you expect me to believe you planned that.
But you still haven't found the right door.
Batman, I think I figured out the clue.
The plane where kings and queens contend could mean a chessboard.
Is there a door marked "checkmate" or "black and white"? "4096.
" Wait a minute.
There are 64 squares on a chessboard, right? Yeah.
So? So 4096 is 64 squared.
Only you can put the king in check, vigilante.
Move according to the rules, or it's the end of the day.
Wrong move, Batman.
I've got it.
They call you the Dark Knight.
Then you have to move like a knight.
Two up, one across, because a wrong move means "the end of the day," or "Knight fall," of course.
Nygma, what are you up to now? And why this? That is for me to know and you to deduce, Dark Knight.
If this is a clue, could it have something to do with the Pegasus? Don't look at me.
I flunked Greek mythology, remember? His clues always have a double meaning.
So if Pegasus is also the name of a constellation Now, astronomy I do know.
You're in Orion now.
So you wanna keep going past Taurus.
Then hang a sharp right at Andromeda.
And that should put you right in the constellation Pegasus.
Welcome to Riddlerville, Batman.
Things are a little mixed-up here, but I'm sure you can fix that.
Your commissioner is contained within this cube.
Solve the puzzle and you gain access.
No problemo, Batman.
That's a Baxter's box.
I can guide you through it in No coaching from the peanut gallery.
You have one minute, Batman.
Then the clock strikes 2.
If you can do it, so can I.
I should've known you'd cheat.
Nice try, Batman, but in my world, you play by my rules.
You may control this world, Nygma but I still control myself.
The name is Riddler.
Edward Nygma no longer exists.
You might recall that he was once fired by an ungrateful employer.
That was a private matter and should've remained one.
Attempted homicide is never a private matter, Nygma.
It would've been if you hadn't interfered and turned Nygma into a fugitive.
So I deleted Nygma, just like I'm about to delete you, Batman.
We can keep this up as long as you can.
Any number you can think of, we can double.
Tell me, Riddler, how can you split your focus in 32 directions and sustain concentration to keep your world together? - You can't.
- No.
No! What happened? I can escape that easily too.
But then, if the planet were equitable I'd still have my old job.
No, no, not yet.
No.
Looked like he suffered some kind of attack.
Like a sensory overload or something.
But we'll never know for sure because we'll never find him.
Oh, no? Come on.
I think he left us a clue.
"If the planet were equitable I'd still have my old job.
" Of course: "If the world's fair I'd still have my ex-position.
" Give me a break.
Looks like he didn't escape his virtual reality in time.
You mean he's been trapped inside his own program? Could be.
And how to get him out may be a riddle no one can solve.