Batman s01e46 Episode Script

Okay, let's see what we got.
- It's impossible.
- I'm gonna be sick.
- All of them - With the Joker's face.
- Looks just like him.
- It can't be.
Call the police.
He's made his move.
Dining in tonight, sir? The dissection tray, please, Alfred.
Any idea what our happy friend is up to now? Normal criminals usually have logical motives.
But the Joker's insane schemes make sense to him alone.
Look alive, wage slaves.
Presenting that caliph of clowns, that mogul of mountebanks the one and only Joker! - Great Scott.
- Actually, I'm Irish.
Good morning, Mr Francis.
Please allow me to introduce my associates.
Miss Quinn.
And Their names escape me for the moment.
No matter.
We gentlemen of business have arrangements to discuss.
Arrangements? For my fish, of course.
This has all been worked out far in advance, Francis.
You are merely the last tiny cog in my grand design.
So don't speak to me again, okay? Now, what is everyone in town talking about? Your fish? I told you not to speak! Fish.
Stinker-roonie.
All better.
As I was saying, since every fish in Gotham now bears my famous, and frankly, fabulous face I should be getting a profit from every fish product sold.
Let's say a nickel per fish sandwich, 50 cents for sardines.
Millions of dollars a day to finance my happily hedonistic lifestyle.
So which of your tedious copyright forms do I fill out first? You may speak now.
No one can copyright fish.
They're a natural resource.
But they share my unique face.
Colonel what's-his-name has chickens, and they don't even have mustaches.
I can't help it.
It's the law! Trying to cheat the Joker, are you? Well, we'll see who has the last laugh.
You have until midnight to change your mind, Francis.
Or you'll be the poorest fish of all.
Bye-bye! He's crazy.
Coming up next: Marla Benson has a special report on the smiling fish epidemic.
How safe are Gotham's waters? Well, he's not out to poison people.
This diluted toxin only affects fish.
Maybe he's trying to make us all die from disgust.
They're finny and funny and, oh, so delish They're joyful and jolly Joker Fish Say, Mom, wondering what to feed the family tonight? What'll I feed the family tonight? Try me famous Joker Fish.
There's Smiling Smelt, Giggling Grouper, and Happy Haddock.
This could cause a stampede to pork.
Yummy, yum-yum.
Eat it.
Mr.
J, I have this little problem with fish.
Yummy, yum-yum.
Yes, friends, that's Joker Fish.
Tasty, tempting, and of course - Naturally low in cholesterol.
- Naturally low in cholesterol.
Coming to your local store.
Just as soon as that nasty old Mr.
G.
Carl Francis decides to give me my legal cut of the profits.
Change the channel.
It's on every station.
Get a trace on that signal.
Now! I hope you've changed your mind, Mr.
Francis because I haven't changed mine.
Relax, Mr.
Francis.
I've got men posted at every window and door.
Nobody's sneaking in here tonight.
If I got in this easily so will the Joker.
Hey, this is police business.
Haul your bat butt out of here.
Hold it, detective.
No one knows the Joker's methods better than Batman.
- He stays.
- Glory-hogging long-underwear geek.
Batman, why is this happening to me? I've never done anything to this Joker.
I'm just a paper-pusher.
I can't change the laws.
I'm harmless.
And in his sick mind, that's the joke, Mr.
Francis.
- Feeling all right? - Oh, sure.
It's just that everything's been so crazy today.
I haven't even had time to rinse off that gunk the Joker's girl squirted on me.
- Get this man to a hospital, now! - What? He'll be all right once the antivenom kicks in.
I don't get it.
We breathed the gas, and we're not smiling.
He didn't want us.
That gas is one part of a binary compound.
The Joker exposed Francis to the other part this morning.
This just in: Former Copyright Director G.
Carl Francis will be taking an extended vacation.
Looks like he's having more fun already.
But I'm not happy.
If I don't get legal claim to my fish by 3 a.
M the number two bureaucrat, Thomas Jackson, will feel my wrath.
And now, Batman, because I know you're watching: Here's a message from our sponsor.
They're finny and funny and, oh, so delish All units, keep your eyes open for anything.
I'd like to go on record as saying this Batman business is the lamest idea Duly noted, lieutenant.
But we're going to try it his way to protect Mr.
Jackson.
Nearly 3 a.
m.
, and not a cackle from that hyena.
We must've scared him off.
What's that? Just my cat.
A Joker Fish! It's affecting it.
Look out.
Even drugged, the cat went straight for its master.
This is just dandy, commish.
Your pet bat's playing dress up while the Joker's popping off pencil-pushers.
Well, I ain't sticking around to see who's next.
I got my own methods.
Bullock! Commissioner, have a look at this fish.
It's a Japanese tang, not native to Gotham's cold waters.
So where did it come from? Freeze, copper! I got you covered, see? Well, if it ain't laughing boy's little hench-wench.
- You're outgunned, sugar.
- Do tell.
What?! Look at what I caught.
Kind of runty, though.
I'm gonna have to throw it back.
You know, Bullock, you may be a lousy cop, but you make a terrific worm.
You won't get away with this.
- He's right, you know.
- You're kidding.
If this lunchmeat figured out where we are, Batman won't be far behind.
And why spoil my sharkie's appetite when I can feed him bigger fish? Again with the fish.
I hate fish.
No offense, Mr.
J.
Poor Harley.
This caper's been kind of rough on you, hasn't it? Cheer up.
You can be my very own little mermaid.
You're really sick, you know that, boss? Now this fella here came with his own grin.
See the resemblance.
And check out my catch of the day.
Bullock.
I didn't need no bat computer to tell me that minnow came from an aquarium.
Yes, well, this is all tremendously boring.
Of course, I can amuse myself watching old Harv give my shark indigestion.
Yeah.
Wait! Let him go.
I'm the one you're after.
Gee, and let my little guppy go hungry? I don't know.
What do you think we can do about that? You're right, Harley.
Fish are disgusting.
I think I'll start using my toxin on cattle.
"Joker Burgers.
" Talk about a Happy Meal.
You never could take a joke.
He doesn't stand a chance against that monster! - Yeah.
Catch.
- Hey! Hey.
Hey! Whoopsie.
You okay? Just give him one for me, will you? Meanwhile, back at the "wrench.
" Since my side-splitters don't tickle you, how about a skull-splitter? There's no place left to go, Joker.
See, Batsy, I think of everything.
Oh, my poor, poor pudding.
Come on, he was a demented, abusive, psychotic maniac.
Yeah.
I'm really gonna miss him.
Do you think he's gone for good? Believe me, Jim, I wish it were true.
But deep inside, I doubt it.