Darkwing Duck (1991) s01e46 Episode Script

# Daring duck of mystery Champion of right # Swoops out of the shadows Darkwing owns the night # Somewhere some villain schemes But his number's up # Darkwing Duck When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing, Darkwing Duck # Cloud of smoke and he appears # Master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind that shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure But bad guys are out of luck # 'Cause here comes - # Darkwing Duck - # Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out, you bad boys # Darkwing Duck # Ah, Darkwing, dining in my favorite place with my favorite duck.
- [wolf howls.]
- It's all so romantic.
Romantic.
[chuckles.]
Right.
Of course, any place I'm with you is romantic in my book, Morgana.
Oh, Dark, how sweet.
[bats.]
Aww.
[retches.]
- I'm with you, Archie.
- [smooching.]
Get a life.
Is something wrong, Dark, darling? You've hardly touched your food.
[grunts.]
Yeah, well, I never really liked fast food.
Besides, I just can't get my mind off diamonds.
Diamonds? As in "engagement ring"? No.
As in "crime ring.
" Diamonds are disappearing all across St.
Canard.
Oh, I see.
You're talking about a case.
Well, I could help you with that.
Ho-ho-ho-ho.
Hold it.
The last time you helped me you turned me into a rutabaga.
Well, that was just a teeny accident.
[Darkwing.]
Oh, sorry, Morgana, but I just can't have you getting in my way again.
So I get in your way, is that it? I well, uh, perhaps I should rephrase that.
Ooh! OK, you're upset, right? That's not upset.
This is upset! Watch it! [shouting.]
Morg! Well, it's not the best date they've ever had.
But it is fun to watch.
Ah, a diamond engagement ring.
Perfect for the Negaduck collection.
Well, Myrtle, will you marry me? [yelling.]
What's the matter, pal? Don't you believe in love at first fright? I'd better check this out.
Ah Morgana Macawber.
She used to be a first-rate crook.
Till she fell for that second-rate crime fighter, Darkwing Duck.
Ooh this is just the sort of immature behavior I'd expect from an ex-crook.
[gasps.]
So that's what this is all about.
You don't trust me.
No, no, no, no.
Not at all.
It's just that they say people never really change.
- What?! - [stammers.]
I didn't say it, they said it.
I mean, I'm saying it now.
I wish they were here.
Darkwing, if you can't trust me, then you can consider us through! [coughing.]
Oh, but, Morgana! We and me and you and I Oh, boy.
Ah, her magic would fit perfectly into my plan.
Time to go a-courtin'.
Wait a second, Morgana! Sweetie pie, I oh, boy.
Ouch.
OK.
I'll deal with Darkwing Diplomat.
Eek and Squeak, you guys work on Morgana.
[both screech.]
We'll have this romance patched up in no time.
[Morgana.]
Absolutely not! Never! Not in a million years! [both screeching.]
Forget it.
I'd rather give up my Hex-of-the-Month club than ever talk to Darkwing again.
[doorbell, pounding on door.]
[gasps.]
Oh, dear.
That might be him now.
How do I look? Am I pale enough? Are my cobwebs straight? - [doorbell, pounding on door.]
- I got it.
[grunting.]
[sneezes.]
Ho-hum.
Now, who could this be? - Negaduck?! - [bats screech.]
What are you doing here, you you villain? Oh, villain no more, Morgana.
[smooches.]
I have reformed.
[scoffs.]
I find that hard to believe.
[sobs.]
Oh, woe is me.
I expected this from the others, but you you once were a criminal.
If you don't trust me, who will? [wailing.]
Um, well, that is, I, uh - [sobbing.]
- Oh, well, - of course I trust you.
- Oh, thank you! Thank you! [laughs.]
You don't know how much this means to me.
Morgana, I'm sorry.
I - Yi-yi.
- Darkwing.
What's going on here? You won't believe it.
Negaduck has given up his evil ways.
You're right.
I don't believe it.
Oh, but it's true.
I've started my own company.
Negasweets.
I make Valentine candy.
Like what? Chocolate-covered grenades? OK, Morgana, what were you and the Casanova of crime really up to? Why, Darkwing, don't tell me.
You're jealous.
Moi? Jealous of Negaduck? [chuckles.]
Oh, sure, he's incredibly handsome, a snappy dresser, fabulously wealthy, but I, on the other hand, am desperate! Oh, please, please, please! Don't toss me aside, Morgana.
Please, give me one more chance, I beg of you! Look, tomorrow's Valentine's Day.
I'll take you on the greatest date of your life.
[Negaduck.]
Sure.
You two go have your fun.
I'll be just fine.
So what if unbearable temptations lure me back to a life of crime and degradation.
[sobbing.]
[snickers.]
[continues sobbing.]
Uh I know.
Why don't all three of us go out? You wanna bring a criminal on a date with us? Former criminal.
Or do you still think people never change? Who me? No, no, no.
No way.
Then let's forgive and forget.
Yeah.
Let's let bygones be bygones.
From now on, we'll all be pals.
[chatter.]
This carnival's nothing but a bunch of creeps, mutants and misfits.
[sighs.]
Just like my last family reunion.
So are you boys having fun? - No.
- Yes.
Good.
Now, let's see, what should we do first? How about getting rid of the competition? [whistling.]
[coughs.]
You don't fool me, Negaduck.
- En garde! - Darkwing! You ought to be ashamed.
We're all friends now, remember? Yeah! Remember? Um, but he and he with fire and ouch and burns and Oh! Come on, guys, Dad needs our help.
Ah, here we are.
The perfect Valentine's Day ride.
Negaduck, you are not taking my date into the tunnel of love! Why, of course not, Dark.
This is a ride for lovers.
Now, you two, enjoy.
Uh, thanks I guess.
You know, maybe I was wrong about Negaduck.
Maybe he really has reformed.
Oh, Dark, darling, you see, you can trust people.
Yeah, Dark, darling, you can even trust me.
Trust me to obliterate you.
[Morgana.]
Well, now that we're all alone in the tunnel of love, how about a little kiss? [nervous laugh.]
A kiss? Sure, why not? I mean [stammers.]
One kiss coming up.
Happy Valentine's Day, Darkwing Dunce.
I'm ready Darkwing? Well, for his sake, I hope he went to get a breath mint.
Hey, get me outta here, please! Oh, Morgana, you just missed Darkwing.
You've seen him? Where did he go? Oh, dear.
I promised I wouldn't say anything.
OK, you dragged it out of me.
He went off to foil some crime.
Without me? He said he would've asked for your help, but, well once a crook always a crook.
He said that? [people chattering.]
Ooh, why, that arrogant, dirty, rotten, no-good, parasitic, untrusting, uncaring, unmannered, scurrilous, little Oh! It's gonna take a miracle to get Morgana and Dad together now.
[screeching.]
Hey, wait, whoa! Eek, Squeak, slow down! Watch it! Careful! No, no! Not so fast! Hey, I thought you were taking me to Morgana's magic spell book.
[grumbling.]
But there are no words in this stupid book.
Ow! Careful.
And watch who you call stupid.
It's not polite, don't you know? Whoa, way cool! A talking book.
I am the Quackronomicon, ancient forbidden tome of the sorcerer's art.
But, you can call me, Quacky.
Now, what'll it be? A curse, turn lead to gold, you name it.
Well, have you got a love potion, Quacky? Ho-ho, I see.
Boy problems, eh? Not for me, for my dad.
Oh, yeah, right.
Well, first you're gonna need three newts' eyes, - a cup of pureed toad - [retches.]
oh, yeah, and 12 slug's knuckles.
Slug's knuckles, keen gear! [sniffs.]
Boy, this stuff stinks.
Must be the monkey drool.
- [bats screech.]
- Great.
That'll be perfect.
- Oops.
- [sniffs.]
[grumbles, retches.]
- [squeaking.]
- [Archie.]
Hubba, hubba, hubba, hubba! - [screeching.]
- [smooching.]
[Quacky.]
Our little friend will be all right now.
[sighs.]
You see, the more love potion you use, the longer it lasts, don't ya know? - [door opens.]
- Oh, company.
[Morgana.]
Thanks for the ride home, Negaduck.
Say, Morgana, have you ever thought about going back to a life of crime? Negaduck, please.
I wanna be alone.
Now, good night.
OK, so maybe it's not going to be that easy getting Morgana to fall back into a life of crime.
At least not until she falls for me.
Ah, my sweet, magical Morgana.
My bewitching witch.
My hey! Negaduck, what are you doing? Can't you see we are made for each other? [grunts.]
Forget it.
The only duck I'm interested in is Darkwing.
And I'm not so sure about him anymore.
Aha! Care to explain this, Morgana? Mambo lessons, I suppose? And why should I explain? You're the one who disappeared.
- Remember? - Yeah, but I can explain.
Uh-oh.
I'd better spray Morgana quick before Dad explains himself into even more trouble.
I don't know what you're up to, Negaduck, but [sniffs.]
Phew.
Time to switch colognes, Negs.
[chuckles.]
Oops.
Negaduck, buddy.
Hey, how's my bestest pal? Here, let me make you comfy.
There, that's better.
I know I said forgive and forget, but this is Negaduck.
Ooh, don't be silly.
Me and Negarooney are bros, compadres, chums.
I don't know what you're trying to pull, Darkwing, but Oh, what's the matter, Negsy, old pal? Is there something else I can do for you? Yeah! Go jump off a cliff.
Yo, anything for you, Negmeister.
[Darkwing.]
Geronimo! - [splat.]
- Ooh, bummer.
And to think, all this time, all I had to do was ask.
Now, where were we? Oh, yeah.
Your beak is a golden temple of rapturous bliss.
[panting.]
Darkwing, you're all right.
[gasping.]
I picked these for you at the bottom of the cliff, Nega-buddy.
Phew.
It's about time that love potion wore off.
Don't worry, Morgana, he won't spoil our romance.
I'll just have him jump over another cliff.
[Darkwing.]
The only thing I'm going to jump is you, you repulsive Romeo.
[grunting, groaning.]
Will someone please tell me what's going on here? [bats screeching.]
A love potion? Who's idiotic idea was that? His.
Nice housewares you've got, Morgana.
Real durable.
Now, give me a kiss and stop playing so hard to get.
I'm not playing.
My, my.
If I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to give me the cold shoulder.
Oh, I was! [laughs.]
Nice shooting, Annie Oakley.
With enemies like you, who needs friends? [maniacal laughter.]
[Negaduck.]
Oh, don't worry, Morgana, you'll warm up to me.
[laughs.]
Warm up, I love it.
Quick, Eek, Squeak, follow him.
I'll defrost Dad.
[Darkwing screaming.]
[tapping.]
Ah, hello again, my love.
I've got a little surprise for you.
Diamonds? So you're behind all those diamond robberies! Believe me, I feel terrible.
Stooping to such petty crimes.
but you just can't imagine how expensive a thermo-nuclear warhead is these days.
And your story about giving up crime and starting a candy company was all lies! Not all lies.
Welcome to the National Negasweet Candy factory.
And international diamond-smuggling headquarters.
[cackling.]
Who'd ever check a box of Valentine candy for stolen gems? Of course, now you'll be able to speed up my operation a thousand times.
Just use your magic to make these diamonds as big as boulders.
Forget it, Negaduck.
I've given up crime.
[Negaduck.]
Ah, come on, Morgana.
Once a criminal always a criminal.
- Hmm? - Oh, how dare you?! Give it up, I'm too quick.
Now, care for some chocolate? Mmm, yum.
I've always loved women with good taste.
I am the terror that flaps in the night.
I am the lollipop that sticks in your hair.
I am [Negaduck laughs.]
Well, if it isn't chocolate-dipped duck.
[Gosalyn.]
Negaduck! Here I come, ready or not! [yelling.]
Man, phew! Oh, no.
A love potion.
So nice of you to drop in.
Hey, what are you looking at? Yeah.
Once again, saved by my buzz saw cuff links.
Dark, darling.
Yeah, yeah.
Tell me how heroic I am later.
Right now it's time to give Negaduck his just desserts.
Ow! Gosalyn, did you forget whose side you're on? Eek and Squeak, will you stop? [yelling.]
[thudding.]
That'll teach you to try to hurt our best buddy Negaduck.
[panting.]
Did I miss something? Oh, it must be the love potion.
Suck frosting, do-gooders.
[both grunting, sputtering.]
If those two give you any more trouble, just let me know.
Uh-oh.
I hope you like my frosting.
It's my specialty.
Low-calorie, high-octane.
[all yelling.]
Oh, the love potion.
Thanks.
Mind if I borrow your gas gun, Dark, darling? My gas gun? My personal gas gun? Oh, for once in your life, trust me! Uh-oh.
Phew, what's that smell? Morgana darling.
Negaduck, my little honey wumpus.
Hey, I'm supposed to be your little honey wumpus.
Give you a jawbreaker, sweetums? Ahh, why, thank you.
One broken jaw, coming up.
Hmm, I guess that's what you'd call a bittersweet ending.
See, guys? I told you everything would work out.
Happy Valentine's Day, my little honey wumpus.
[both.]
Ahh.
[retches.]
May I order for you, Dark? Um [gulps.]
Are you sure that's such a good idea? Oh, what's the matter? Don't you trust me to order dinner? Well, it's just that you order that crawly stuff and Ooh! Darkwing Duck! This time you asked for it.
[Darkwing shouting.]
But, Morgana! That hurts! Ow! Hoo-hoo! Well, you know what they say.
You always hurt the one you love.
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck