Ducktales (1987) s01e46 Episode Script

Life is like a hurricane Here in Duckburg Racecars, lasers, aeroplanes It's a duck-blur Might solve a mystery Or rewrite history - DuckTales - Ooh-ooh Every day they're out there making DuckTales Ooh-ooh Tales of derring-do, bad and good-luck tales - D-d-d-danger! - Watch behind you - There's a stranger - Out to find you What to do? Just grab on to some DuckTales Ooh-ooh Every day they're out there making DuckTales Ooh-ooh Tales of derring-do, bad and good-luck tales Ooh-ooh Not ponytails or cottontails - No, DuckTales - Ooh-ooh To the left.
No, more to the right.
Sheesh.
Make up your mind, Mr.
McD.
If you're confused, I don't have a chance.
He's going to drop it in the pool, I just know it.
A million-dollar statue in the drink.
Whew.
That should prove to Mr.
McD.
I'm not a pilot without brains.
I'm a pilot without gas! Nobody worry.
I'm OK.
Launchpad, you are living proof of reincarnation.
Nobody could become such a stupid pilot in one lifetime.
I'm washed-up.
Mr.
McD.
swore he'd never hire me again.
It's not fair.
You've only made two or three hundred mistakes.
He called me a space-case.
Really? Maybe he thinks you should be an astronaut.
You think? Gee, if I were an astronaut, that would prove to Mr.
McD.
what a great pilot I am.
Welcome to the Duckburg Aeronautics and Space Administration.
Dr.
Von Geezer will see you now.
Ah, so this is your application.
For a moment, I thought a grown man wrote this childlike scrawl.
This idiotic, undecipherable, enigmatic gobbledegook is yours? Ha-ha.
Every scribble and doodle.
Aha.
You just might be the astronaut er astro-not we're looking for.
OK, Doc, ready to blast off.
Ach.
No, mein duck, you are not an astronaut yet.
First, you must beat out the competition.
I eat competition for breakfast.
Where do I go? Who am I up against? Meet Ronny.
Lots of luck, pal.
You're gonna need it to beat this century's smartest pilot.
Yeow! Too bad he doesn't know we're looking for this century's dumbest pilot.
Ja, ja, ja.
If he fails the tests, we may not have to send the chimp into space after all.
Your first test is flight simulation.
This will give you the sensation of flying in outer space und landing back on the earth.
Now is your turn.
What fun! I'll never go back to choppers again.
Whoa! Nobody worry.
I'm OK.
Amazing.
In all my years in the space program, I have never seen anyone crash a simulator.
This tank will give you the sensation of walking in space.
So, in you go.
This is fun, but I had no idea space was this wet.
Chimp checks out A-OK.
Und Launchpad? - He's swelling, sir.
- Swelling? It wasn't my fault, it was the chimp.
Honest.
You gotta believe me.
Amazing.
You even crashed a spacesuit.
Two can play at this chimp's game.
I'll make sure he crashes this time.
Ah, Launchpad, here you are.
Good work.
Next is the G-force simulator.
Lots of luck, Ronny.
You're gonna need it, banana-breath.
This time, you go first.
No, no, no.
I-I can't.
My spacesuit shrank in the wash.
No, you first, so you can't blame your failure on the monkey.
Gah! Launchpad, why the long face again? What do you expect? D.
A.
S.
A.
is gonna send a monkey into space instead of me.
Nah, you'll be picked.
You're the super-duperest.
I'll bet that's D.
A.
S.
A.
with the good news.
Launchpad McQuack's residence.
Doofus eating er, speaking.
This is Dr.
Von Geezer speaking.
Tell Herr McQuack he is just the astronaut we're looking for.
Tell him he's got the right stuff.
You're it! You're an astronaut! Really? This will prove to Mr.
McD.
I'm not a stupid pilot.
Doctor, are you sure you want to send that stupid pilot into space? He's not stupid.
Of course he is.
What better person to test my new idiot-proof computer guidance system than with a proven idiot? Und where is our idiot er, astronaut, anyways? He's on his way to Launchpad Two.
Blasts off in five minutes.
Launchpad, stop! Now, was that Launchpad Two in five minutes or Launchpad Five in two minutes? Sheesh.
No room for hitchhikers this trip.
You can't go! Not like this, I can't.
Dr.
Von Geezer, someone's activated the Voyager probe! Launchpad, wait.
I've got to tell you something.
Whoa! Launchpad, help! What was it you wanted to tell me, Doofus? Oh, boy.
Am I glad you're a smart pilot.
Uh-oh.
Something's screwy.
I was supposed to orbit Earth, not leave it.
Oh, no.
Does this mean I'll miss supper? What dummkopf launched the Voyager probe? It wasn't to leave until tomorrow.
Doctor, come quick.
The Voyager is detecting some sort of bizarre life forms, sir.
Ach, du pretzel.
Don't tell me we made contact with a Martian.
No, sir.
With a McQuack.
What? That idiot got into the wrong spaceship.
How could I be so stupid to hire someone so stupid? Wh-Wh-Whhere we goin', Launchpad? Beats me.
If I can find the radio I can ask Dr.
Von Geezer.
Maybe this is it.
Greetings to the people of Mars.
We send this probe in peace.
Mars? I will miss supper.
Hail, Ping - Ping the Pitiless! Emperor Ping.
The Territory of Zuch brings you jewels.
What lovely jewels.
See how they sparkle.
Ping is pleased.
You shall continue to be a slave to the state for another year.
Oh, thank you.
Your Pitilessness, you're too kind.
Uh-oh.
What is this? A crack?! Uh, no, no, no.
No, it can't be.
I-I checked.
You expect your emperor to accept flawed, worthless junk? No, of course not.
I b-b-beg your forgiveness, p-please.
You leave me no choice.
Spot! Oops.
That was just a hair.
Sorry! Greetings to the people of Mars.
We send this probe from Earth to collect data und specimens.
Hey, help us outta here.
We're being buried in a rummage sale.
I'm so glad to meet you.
A collection of Earth sounds.
Guards, stop this thief! Who are you? I thought so.
How dare you steal my riches? Invaders, rob their riches! - No, don't do that.
- Why not? Uh, let's see.
Because Earth is poor.
Yeah, that's it.
Why else would they send a tramp er, me up here to rob ya? Very well.
We will not invade Earth.
We'll destroy Earth instead! Then again, maybe robbery wasn't such a bad idea.
Throw them into the dungeon! Hey, let us go! Help! The Voyager probe has landed on Mars, Dr.
Von Geezer.
But there's no sign of Launchpad or Doofus.
What will we do, sir? We can't just leave 'em up there.
We'll send a rescue rocket.
But, sir, Launchpad was our only trained astronaut.
No, there is one other.
Huh? Uh-oh.
Hey, get your green mitts off me.
You can't do this to us.
I demand a trial! A lawyer? A phone call? C'mon! Even E.
T.
Got to phone home.
Yaah! Get in there, you mangy monkey! Welcome to Ping's Pit for the Pitiful.
Are you boys lifers too? I hope not.
What are you in for? Jaywalking.
Sheesh.
That Ping is pitiless.
I'd bet he'd throw his own mother in the slammer.
I am his mother.
Do you feel a draft? Yikes! Launchpad, you've got to get us out of here.
Use your head.
Good idea! Launchpad, the keys.
Use the keys.
Nah.
They don't work either.
Maybe Dr.
Von Geezer was right.
Hey! After them! Oh, no.
Not again.
Quick, in here.
We'll stay here until things cool off.
Missile armed and ready.
Set trajectory for Earth.
Holy smokes, a rocket! We're about to become roast duck! Wait a minute.
You're the galaxy's greatest astronaut.
Why don't you fly this rocket back to Earth? We can warn them about Ping's attack! Sometimes I hate living up to this great reputation.
Hey, there they are.
Stop! Move over, Doofus.
Who designs these rockets these days? Sadistic midgets? Ten seconds to launch.
Too late.
We'll have to tell Emperor Ping.
Five, four, three, two, one.
I must be a better pilot than I thought.
We're blasting off and I haven't even done anything yet.
Good.
I need to get home soon.
If I'm late for supper, Mom will explode.
You tell Ping.
Your Pitilessness I beg to report the earthlings have escaped.
What?! Catch them, you Martian morons.
Or else! But sir, they've climbed into the missile sent to destroy Earth.
Oh, never mind.
I love unhappy endings.
Does Does this mean you'll spare my life, Your Pitilessness? No.
Here, Spot.
Let's see, I fed Spot twice and I'm blowing up the Earth.
What a nice day I'm having.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Unidentified flying object heading this way from Mars.
Is it the Voyager probe coming back? No, sir.
It's much bigger, moving faster.
Definitely alien.
Martians.
Aha! They must have entered our probe.
Guten strudel! Notify the military, alert the press, call the White House.
Get me Hollywood.
I want to sell the movie rights.
What's that ticking? Do you think it's a bomb? Don't be silly.
You're jumping to conclusions.
See, I told you it's no bomb.
Says here it's a "ther-mo-nuclear detonator.
" Ha-ha, that's all.
Well, what do you think a bomb is? Yaah! The Martians are coming.
Head for the hills! - What are we gonna do? - I'm thinkin', I'm thinkin'.
Hey, look.
A rescue ship.
That chimp is smart.
He's leaving Earth before we blow it up.
It's hopeless.
Don't worry, little buddy.
I'll think of somethin'.
You don't become an astronaut by being an idiot.
Yes, you do.
Why do you think D.
A.
S.
A.
picked you instead of the chimp? Huh? Hey, you really think Martians are comin', Uncle Scrooge? I'm taking no chances, lad.
Leave it to Launchpad to tell them about my money.
Now they're comin' after it.
Don't just stand there, lads.
Hide your piggy banks.
Only 45 more rooms to go.
I can't believe it.
I should've known I was in trouble when I got an "F" on my blood test.
You'll think of a way to save us.
You're the best.
I'm so humiliated.
A certified idiot.
How will I ever face Mr.
McD.
again? In 500 pieces if you don't stop this missile.
You've got to prove everybody's wrong about you.
Show 'em you're a great pilot.
How many tries do I get? Hurry, lads.
We've got to hide this before the Martians see it.
It's priceless.
Look.
Here they come! Get your ganders ready.
Only minutes till Earth goes "boom.
" What a pity I can't have this much fun all the time.
Ha-ha-ha! What are you doing? Get out of here.
Hey.
Let me out of here! I thought you were my hero.
You were wrong, OK? Hey, everyone makes mistakes.
But I'm too fat er, too young to die! All right, I'll be your hero.
Anything.
I can't stand to see an overgrown kid cry.
- I knew you'd come through.
- Help me find the guidance system.
- What's it look like? - How should I know? I'm an idiot.
Those Martians look like they took flying lessons from Launchpad McQuack.
Hey, Doofus, I found the controls.
I can steer this baby.
Way to go! I knew you could do it.
Now there's only one problem - how to land without blowing up.
The Junior Woodchuck Guidebook says: "To put out a Martian bomb, douse it with water.
" Great.
With five oceans to choose from, how can I miss? Get ready for a splash landing! Oh, no! Not me pool.
Not again.
There's something coming outta the rocket.
Stand back, they may be dangerous.
Nobody worry, I'm OK.
Ach, I should have known.
und for thinking quickly und taking great piloting action that saved Earth und mankind, I give you Duckburg's highest honor, the Von Geezer Award.
Speech! Speech! I want to thank everybody, but especially my little buddy Doofus.
Huh? Me? He believed in me when everyone thought I was an idiot.
It's because of him I'm a hero.
You're the greatest.
I owe you an apology too, Launchpad.
I tip my hat to the best pilot in Duckburg.
- Ya mean it, Mr.
McD.
? - Yes, I do.
But if you ever come near my swimming pool again! Easy, easy.
He's mein only astronaut now that the chimp is gone.
Hey, wait a minute.
What happened to the chimp? All hail the ruler of Mars.
All hail.
Good riddance to Ping the Pitiless.
Hmph! Let me out of here! I'm so glad we met.
Greetings to the people of Pluto.
Pluto? I hate dogs! Somebody let me out of here!