Batman s01e47 Episode Script
Harley and Ivy
You jerks! The wind in my hair and the Batman at my heels.
It's the kind of night that makes you glad to be alive.
Right, Harley-girl? Sure thing, Mr.
J.
Quick! Turn here! - But, boss, that's - I said, turn! Yes, sir.
Why didn't you tell me someone put a hill there? - I tried but - Never mind.
Just hand me the gun.
Come on! Come on! Here.
Hey, Batsy! This is where I leave you flat.
You nincompoop! You didn't say which gun.
Let's go.
Let's go! If he wants the car that bad, he can have it.
Next time, clown.
No, we didn't get the diamond.
The "Dork Knight" showed up before we even got to the museum.
I had a great shot at him too except my dear little Harley Quinn handed me the wrong gun! But it was kind of funny watching you shoot at him with the "bang" flag.
Funny? You presume to tell me what I should think is funny? In fact, when have you ever contributed a worthwhile idea to this gang? Well, I did get us away from Batman.
Oh, huzzah! The kid gets lucky, and she wants a medal! Maybe I should just let you run the gang.
Maybe you're a better crook than the rest of us put together.
Maybe not.
Fine! I'll show you! You'll be sorry! I'll pull a big heist, and I'll be laughing at you.
You hear? Laughing! I miss him already.
Piece of cake.
Mr.
J will just plotz when I give him No.
I'm keeping it for myself.
Maybe.
The heck with it! Nice work, butterfingers.
Why didn't you just turn on the Bat signal while you were at it? I wasn't trying to get caught.
Could've fooled me.
Hey, aren't you that plant lady, Poison Oakie? Ivy.
Poison Ivy.
Sorry.
Harley Quinn.
Pleased to meet you.
This is not a good time to get acquainted.
Freeze! Any ideas? What you got in the bottles? Plant toxins from the museum lab.
Good enough Heads up! Stop in the name of the law! Not tonight, baby.
Get in the car! What car? Oh, that car.
- Yes! - Yes! This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
I hate shots! I hate shots! Now, now.
You're not immune to poison like I am and you won't last 10 minutes here in Toxic Acres without my antidote.
You'd think after living with Mr.
J I'd be used to a little pain.
Why do you put up with that clown? Don't get me wrong.
My pudding's a little rough sometimes but he loves me, really.
Sure he does.
You're just one big forgiving doormat, aren't you? I am not a doormat.
Am I? If you had a middle name, it would be "Welcome.
" But cheer up, kid.
You just need some lessons in good old female self-esteem.
In other words, let's play with the boys on our terms.
And now, gentlemen, if there is no new business I propose we adjourn to - A moment, please, Mr.
Chairman.
- Who is that? - A woman, here? Outrageous! See here, young lady, is this some joke? The joke, my dear chairman is this obsolete, sexist mockery you call a men's club.
Now I ask you what kind of adventurers refuse to admit women? - What does she know? - That is ridiculous.
Get her out of here.
How dare she? Still, if it's excitement you boys crave Hey! What is this? - Let go! - Stop! That should keep you big strong men busy while we weak little girls loot your trophy room.
Gee, Red.
You got style! This is true.
What did you make? What did you make? Steamed chard and beet juice.
Gee, green.
My favorite color.
No offense, Red, but I'm not very hungry.
Somehow I don't feel like my old perky self.
Something is missing.
Will you stop? I can't believe you're still mooning over that psychotic creep.
Well, maybe I'd feel better if I knew he missed me too.
Harley! This place is going to blinking blue blazes.
Anybody seen my socks? Harley! They snapped at me! What's going on, Roc? The place is a mess, no one's fed the hyenas, and I can't find my socks! Where is Harley? You canned her, boss, remember? So? She's always come back before.
Gee I guess you ain't seen the papers then.
Papers? What are you babbling about? I remember when I'd go driving like this with Mr.
J.
"Mr.
J, Mr.
J.
" Change the record, Harl.
You want to be some wacko's victim the rest of your life? Well, hello.
I think I'm in love.
Excuse me, boys.
Didn't your mommies tell you that's not the nice way to get a lady's attention? And what are you gonna do? Spank us? That's right, pigs.
And here's the paddle.
There may be hope for you yet.
Choosing a weekend date, sir? This is one sister act that's hard to follow, Alfred.
Only clue I have is this soil analysis from their tire tracks.
Contains the same compounds you'd find in a toxic waste dump.
Then may I suggest an accessory this evening? What? Mr.
J? Harley? Hi, pudding.
You still angry with me? Honey, baby, pumpkin pie.
You know I can't hold a grudge.
- Where are you? - With a friend.
Look, I can't talk, but I wanted to let you know I'm okay.
Gotta go.
I'll talk to you soon.
Sooner than you think.
- What's up? - Wrong number.
Evening, ladies.
Playtime's over.
Land O'Goshen, Harleen.
Look who's come a-courting.
Looks like he's got us.
Looks like! Poor Batman.
All trussed up.
And no place to go.
- Yes! - Yes! Here we have the typical male aggressor fittingly imprisoned within the bonds of female domestic slavery.
And, frankly, folks, he's never looked better.
Admit it, darling you didn't think two women were capable of bringing you down.
Man or woman, a sick mind is capable of anything.
A very enlightened statement, Batman.
We'll carve it on your headstone.
Aloha, sucker.
Hey, did you leave the lights on? My, haven't you been the busy little bees.
Pudding? You were out, so we just made ourselves at home.
Hope you don't mind.
You found me! So much for self-esteem.
I hope you realize we're on a toxic waste dump.
I'd say you've got 10 minutes to clear out before the fumes do you in.
She's right, boss.
I'm feeling kind of sick.
Hold it in, Rocco.
I'm only staying long enough to collect what's mine.
Hey! Look at the goodies.
That's ours, you louse! Oh, Pammy, I wouldn't leave you empty-handed.
Since you like flowers so much Oh, pudding, no! You can have mine! Red! It doesn't work on me.
Get them! Oh, Batsy! Stop shooting, you lunatic.
We're sitting on a powder keg.
Dopey me.
No man can take us prisoner.
All right, ladies.
Raise them.
That's it.
Next time I start a gang, no women.
Do you hear me? No women! I think we can still work it out.
Don't you?
It's the kind of night that makes you glad to be alive.
Right, Harley-girl? Sure thing, Mr.
J.
Quick! Turn here! - But, boss, that's - I said, turn! Yes, sir.
Why didn't you tell me someone put a hill there? - I tried but - Never mind.
Just hand me the gun.
Come on! Come on! Here.
Hey, Batsy! This is where I leave you flat.
You nincompoop! You didn't say which gun.
Let's go.
Let's go! If he wants the car that bad, he can have it.
Next time, clown.
No, we didn't get the diamond.
The "Dork Knight" showed up before we even got to the museum.
I had a great shot at him too except my dear little Harley Quinn handed me the wrong gun! But it was kind of funny watching you shoot at him with the "bang" flag.
Funny? You presume to tell me what I should think is funny? In fact, when have you ever contributed a worthwhile idea to this gang? Well, I did get us away from Batman.
Oh, huzzah! The kid gets lucky, and she wants a medal! Maybe I should just let you run the gang.
Maybe you're a better crook than the rest of us put together.
Maybe not.
Fine! I'll show you! You'll be sorry! I'll pull a big heist, and I'll be laughing at you.
You hear? Laughing! I miss him already.
Piece of cake.
Mr.
J will just plotz when I give him No.
I'm keeping it for myself.
Maybe.
The heck with it! Nice work, butterfingers.
Why didn't you just turn on the Bat signal while you were at it? I wasn't trying to get caught.
Could've fooled me.
Hey, aren't you that plant lady, Poison Oakie? Ivy.
Poison Ivy.
Sorry.
Harley Quinn.
Pleased to meet you.
This is not a good time to get acquainted.
Freeze! Any ideas? What you got in the bottles? Plant toxins from the museum lab.
Good enough Heads up! Stop in the name of the law! Not tonight, baby.
Get in the car! What car? Oh, that car.
- Yes! - Yes! This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
I hate shots! I hate shots! Now, now.
You're not immune to poison like I am and you won't last 10 minutes here in Toxic Acres without my antidote.
You'd think after living with Mr.
J I'd be used to a little pain.
Why do you put up with that clown? Don't get me wrong.
My pudding's a little rough sometimes but he loves me, really.
Sure he does.
You're just one big forgiving doormat, aren't you? I am not a doormat.
Am I? If you had a middle name, it would be "Welcome.
" But cheer up, kid.
You just need some lessons in good old female self-esteem.
In other words, let's play with the boys on our terms.
And now, gentlemen, if there is no new business I propose we adjourn to - A moment, please, Mr.
Chairman.
- Who is that? - A woman, here? Outrageous! See here, young lady, is this some joke? The joke, my dear chairman is this obsolete, sexist mockery you call a men's club.
Now I ask you what kind of adventurers refuse to admit women? - What does she know? - That is ridiculous.
Get her out of here.
How dare she? Still, if it's excitement you boys crave Hey! What is this? - Let go! - Stop! That should keep you big strong men busy while we weak little girls loot your trophy room.
Gee, Red.
You got style! This is true.
What did you make? What did you make? Steamed chard and beet juice.
Gee, green.
My favorite color.
No offense, Red, but I'm not very hungry.
Somehow I don't feel like my old perky self.
Something is missing.
Will you stop? I can't believe you're still mooning over that psychotic creep.
Well, maybe I'd feel better if I knew he missed me too.
Harley! This place is going to blinking blue blazes.
Anybody seen my socks? Harley! They snapped at me! What's going on, Roc? The place is a mess, no one's fed the hyenas, and I can't find my socks! Where is Harley? You canned her, boss, remember? So? She's always come back before.
Gee I guess you ain't seen the papers then.
Papers? What are you babbling about? I remember when I'd go driving like this with Mr.
J.
"Mr.
J, Mr.
J.
" Change the record, Harl.
You want to be some wacko's victim the rest of your life? Well, hello.
I think I'm in love.
Excuse me, boys.
Didn't your mommies tell you that's not the nice way to get a lady's attention? And what are you gonna do? Spank us? That's right, pigs.
And here's the paddle.
There may be hope for you yet.
Choosing a weekend date, sir? This is one sister act that's hard to follow, Alfred.
Only clue I have is this soil analysis from their tire tracks.
Contains the same compounds you'd find in a toxic waste dump.
Then may I suggest an accessory this evening? What? Mr.
J? Harley? Hi, pudding.
You still angry with me? Honey, baby, pumpkin pie.
You know I can't hold a grudge.
- Where are you? - With a friend.
Look, I can't talk, but I wanted to let you know I'm okay.
Gotta go.
I'll talk to you soon.
Sooner than you think.
- What's up? - Wrong number.
Evening, ladies.
Playtime's over.
Land O'Goshen, Harleen.
Look who's come a-courting.
Looks like he's got us.
Looks like! Poor Batman.
All trussed up.
And no place to go.
- Yes! - Yes! Here we have the typical male aggressor fittingly imprisoned within the bonds of female domestic slavery.
And, frankly, folks, he's never looked better.
Admit it, darling you didn't think two women were capable of bringing you down.
Man or woman, a sick mind is capable of anything.
A very enlightened statement, Batman.
We'll carve it on your headstone.
Aloha, sucker.
Hey, did you leave the lights on? My, haven't you been the busy little bees.
Pudding? You were out, so we just made ourselves at home.
Hope you don't mind.
You found me! So much for self-esteem.
I hope you realize we're on a toxic waste dump.
I'd say you've got 10 minutes to clear out before the fumes do you in.
She's right, boss.
I'm feeling kind of sick.
Hold it in, Rocco.
I'm only staying long enough to collect what's mine.
Hey! Look at the goodies.
That's ours, you louse! Oh, Pammy, I wouldn't leave you empty-handed.
Since you like flowers so much Oh, pudding, no! You can have mine! Red! It doesn't work on me.
Get them! Oh, Batsy! Stop shooting, you lunatic.
We're sitting on a powder keg.
Dopey me.
No man can take us prisoner.
All right, ladies.
Raise them.
That's it.
Next time I start a gang, no women.
Do you hear me? No women! I think we can still work it out.
Don't you?