Darkwing Duck (1991) s01e48 Episode Script

# Daring duck of mystery Champion of right # Swoops out of the shadows Darkwing owns the night # Somewhere some villain schemes But his number's up # Darkwing Duck When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing, Darkwing Duck # Cloud of smoke and he appears # Master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind that shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure But bad guys are out of luck # 'Cause here comes - # Darkwing Duck - # Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out, you bad boys # Darkwing Duck # You will hand over your dilithium-4 crystals immediately, or we will vaporize this entire sector of the galaxy.
Hit them with the stun beams! Cut.
Print.
[laughs, snorts.]
That's one small step for crime, one giant leap for the criminal mind.
[cackling.]
The Diamond Duck of St.
Canard, symbol of the city.
Quick! This calls for a close-up Someday the films of my crimes will be worth more than the trinkets I steal.
But until then, these certainly keep me in popcorn.
- [laughs.]
- [Darkwing cackles.]
I am the terror that flaps in the night.
It's that infernal duck.
Quickly! Exit stage right.
I am the feathery phantom that haunts your nightmares.
I am Darkwing Duck! Impossible! [shudders.]
He's everywhere.
Run! Hey, it's a piece of cake with a little help.
Launchpad, I'll take Tuskerninni.
- You head off his gang, - Sure thing, DW.
[tires screeching.]
Something's happening on City Hall.
Crank up the camera.
Aw, don't go, Tuskerninni.
I have an itch to talk to you.
Ha! A misfire.
[grunting, groaning.]
This guy's incredible.
I always thought he was some publicity stunt.
[groans.]
Uh, let me see.
How would DW do this? Um Surrender, you evildoing bad guys or face the doom of Darkwing Duck.
Your criminal career is finished, Tuskerninni.
I believe my public demands a curtain call.
[screaming.]
[grunting.]
Ah! He could fall to his death! We could be talking prime-time special.
[groans.]
I should have skipped that extra doughnut.
Why, what's this? Someone auditioning for my science fiction epic? [chuckles.]
I believe I have just the part for you.
A falling star.
Yeow! [screaming.]
Poor Darkwing, parting is such sweet sorrow.
Don't lose any sleep over it, toothy.
I want that diamond.
Oh, the stage is becoming much too crowded.
We'll wait for act two.
Did you get that? Please, tell me you got it all on tape.
Please! Relax, glamour-puss, you're talkin' to a professional.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you! Wait a minute.
There's more! Oh, we blew it, Launchpad.
I was already reading the headlines.
"Darkwing Duck nabs nefarious fleeing felon.
" Uh Not that fame means anything to me, of course.
[clears throat.]
Gee, I'm awful sorry, DW.
I guess this is all my fault.
[Darkwing.]
Don't worry about it, old pal.
Nobody expects you to be Darkwing Duck.
At least we stopped that hambone, Tuskerninni.
Darkwing Duck surveys the city.
The plans of another villain crumble to dust.
So the solid citizens of St.
Canard can go to bed, certain their city is safe.
No way! I'm not even tired.
If you want me, you've gotta tackle me.
- Ah! - [grunts.]
Have it your way, but you are going to bed.
Oh, boy, just in time for Pelican's Island, [male 1.]
Flipper! An ape just took Barbara Ann! - [male 2.]
Oh, come on, little buddy, - [male 1.]
No, honest, Flipper, It was this great big ape with big fangs,,, Ah! And it was all hairy, and it smelled real bad,,, We interrupt this program with a special bulletin, A daring robbery was foiled tonight by that mysterious masked avenger, Darkwing Duck! Hey, he's talking about me.
In this exclusive footage, we see,,, ,,,the intrepid hero battle the cunning thespian thief, - Tuskerninni, - Go get him, Darkwing.
[reporter.]
With this death-defying maneuver, he retrieved the priceless Diamond Duck of St, Canard, A truly heroic deed, Major-league impressive, Dad.
Yes.
Yes! [blows kisses.]
I only deserve it.
[reporter.]
Now Channel 3 Excitement News has exclusive footage which reveals the secret identity of Darkwing Duck, What?! You can't! It'll ruin me! As you can see, Darkwing Duck is really,,, ,,,Launchpad McQuack, Whew! They got it wrong.
Hey! They got it wrong! I was there.
Why didn't you film me?! I'm Darkwing Duck! Me.
Me! Not him! [chuckles.]
I think they got my good side.
LP, you haven't got a good side.
And besides, you're not Darkwing Duck.
I am.
Hey.
Don't get sore at me.
It's not my fault.
Sorry, Launchpad.
You're right.
At least my secret is safe.
And besides, nobody watches reruns of Pelican's Island, You old dog! Why'd you keep it a secret from your old pal, Herb? Except, of course, our dear neighbors, the Muddlefoots.
Oh, I love that costume.
Although, don't you think peach is more your color? That does it.
I'm setting things right.
But Dad, you can't tell them your secret.
Oh.
Right.
Well, I guess it's not such a big deal.
So he's the neighborhood hero.
This'll all be forgotten quicker than - I can make you a star, baby.
- Sign with me.
- I can get a deal with Disney! - You'll be famous! No, really.
You got the wrong guy.
I'm not Darkwing Duck.
Secret identities stink.
[hoarsely.]
Coffee Coffee! [slurping, gulping.]
[female.]
On your right is the home of that debonair defender of St, Canard, Darkwing Duck, Better known to his neighbors as Launchpad McQuack, [overlapping chatter.]
- Don't forget your bumper stickers.
- Get 'em while they're hot, babe.
[growling, snarling.]
All of you out! Get your stupid junk off my property! Out! Out! Out, out, out, out, out, out.
Out! Out! [screaming hysterically.]
My own daughter betrays me? And you! Et tu, Honker? But, Dad I only did this to to, um To help you keep your secret.
Sort of a diversion.
Do I have "stupid" stamped on my beak? Aw, gee, thanks a lot for letting me open the new mall, but I don't really deserve it.
I mean, I'm not really Darkwing Duck.
Oh! So brave and yet so modest.
[Darkwing.]
I'll put an end to this nonsense right now.
I'll just be heroic elsewhere.
That'll prove Launchpad's not Darkwing Duck.
All I need is a good Aha! It's our house, dude.
- We forgot our keys.
- Yeah, we didn't wanna wake our mother.
Yeah, right.
You guys should write for Ripley's, [female.]
What are you doing to my boys?! [slurred.]
Just making sure the little nippers are all tucked in for the night.
[crash.]
Sorry, dirtbags, but you picked the wrong house to heist today.
Thought I was across town at the mall, didn't you? Well, you guessed wrong, 'cause I'm the real Darkwing Duck.
OK, tiny.
Grab some sky or suck gas.
[object whistling.]
Uh, just moving men, eh? Well, carry on citizens.
My mistake.
This sort of thing happens now and again.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Great.
So suddenly the city is utterly devoid of crime.
Huh.
Hey, wait a minute.
No mistake this time.
This is a job for Darkwing Duck! - [chomping.]
- [Darkwing.]
So Thought no one would notice your crime, eh, scum? Well, this is my city, and no crime goes unpunished.
Litterbug.
But But You don't understand.
I'm the real Darkwing Duck! [group of males.]
Oh, sure, you are.
We believe you.
[Tuskerninni.]
So, Darkwing Duck has finally slipped up.
How foolish to give away one's secret identity.
Hmm A serious miscue.
Well, he should be easy enough to find.
Phonebook.
Hmm Let's see.
[muttering.]
Yes! Yes! Here it is.
"Launchpad McQuack.
" [ringing.]
McQuack Productions.
Talk to me, babe.
Oh Yes.
Uh Is this the home of Launchpad McQuack? Also known as Darkwing Duck? Yes, it is.
Who wants to know.
Make it snappy.
We're booked solid for the next two weeks.
Well, let's just say it's an old friend [chuckles.]
who's planning a surprise visit.
No need to bother him.
Ta-ta.
Time for a new script, boys.
This one's a comedy.
I call it, The Destruction of Darkwing Duck, [cackling.]
This is the perfect costume.
An air ace to combat an airhead.
[giggles.]
Is the bomb ready? [ticking.]
Excellent.
Jelly doughnut.
Thank you.
Here is the address.
"539 Avian Way.
" Now, make airplane noises.
[all whooshing, whirring.]
It's about time.
Can we go home now?! Gee.
[chuckles.]
Can't say no to the boys in blue.
Yeah, Dad, and it's uh good public relations.
OK, that was $24.
50 for the 8x10s.
And $12 for the wallet size.
[sputtering, backfiring.]
I, the great walrus, pilot extraordinaire, will not rest until the scarlet baron crashes in flames.
Cut.
Print it! Any sign of Darkwing Duck's house? Excellent! Lights.
Camera.
Action! Give me one of your buns, honey bunch, and I'll toast it for you.
I think the charcoal's on the hot side, dear.
Did you hear something? Did you put tin foil in the microwave again? [tires screeching.]
Huh.
Well, that explains it.
Herb and charcoal starter are a dangerous mix.
[sputtering.]
You fools! You bombed the wrong house.
Idiots.
Amateurs.
Extras! Children [chuckles.]
Yes, children.
The proverbial weak link in the Darkwing armor.
Wake up, boys! Time for a costume change.
But I can't be Darkwing Duck.
You're Darkwing Duck.
Not anymore.
I was tired of that name anyway.
I'll come up with a new identity.
A better identity.
The Midnight Mallard.
- Nah! - I know! I'll call up that news guy and tell him that I'm not Darkwing Duck.
The Mysterious Snickersnack! No, that won't work.
I tell that to everybody and they just think I'm being modest.
But it, uh [chuckles.]
sure impresses the ladies.
Double-O Duck.
Pond.
James Pond.
Registered to thrill.
I don't know.
Seems kind of silly.
[knocking on door.]
How do you do? I am Steven Spectacle, the great director.
- My card.
- Let me guess.
You wanna make a movie about Darkwing Duck.
Take a number.
But let me explain.
You see, this film is going to be, uh [stammers.]
Yes! About people around Darkwing Duck.
The family behind the duck, so to speak.
Keen gear! We're gonna be movie stars, Honker.
I'll go tell my dad.
Oh, let's not bother him with details.
Let's move it, boys.
Time to change reels.
[laughs.]
Break out the klieg lights, call my agent.
I am just too, too good.
Toss him in, Cecil.
Quit playing around and bring that girl here.
You guys are history! I know Darkwing Duck, and he'll rescue us.
[giggles.]
That's exactly what we're counting on, child.
Soon the Diamond Duck will be mine again.
And Darkwing Duck will be nothing but a newsreel memory.
[cackling maniacally.]
Presenting The Scarlet Bafflequack! Whoa! [grunting, groaning.]
Hey, where is everybody? Uh, DW, Herb and Binkie called.
- They want Honker home for dinner.
- I'm afraid he's going to be late.
A popcorn bucket.
Huh.
And you didn't save me some? It's a kidnapper's note from Tuskerninni.
He has the kids.
"If you want to see the little brats alive, bring the Diamond Duck to the Canard Multiplex Theatre tonight.
" More than that.
He's using the kids as bait to lure you into a death trap.
Oh Me?! I don't need a death trap! It comes with the territory.
The world thinks you're Darkwing Duck, remember? Whew! Your job sure has drawbacks, doesn't it? But I think this is a job for the real Darkwing Duck! Of course! Both of them.
Uh I am the tenor that sings in the night.
I am the, uh uh road salt that rots the underside of your car.
All right.
Where are the kids? [Tuskerninni.]
Right behind you.
- [thud.]
- I lied.
[chirping.]
How dare you attempt to fool me?! Lights! Did you think this glass Diamond Duck would deceive me? At least I shall see you fry.
It's the last reel of the final act, Darkwing Duck.
Prepare to meet hot, buttered death.
That butter will soon be hot enough to fricassee the feathers from your hide.
Nothing like a hot shower before retiring, eh, Darkwing? [Darkwing.]
You're wasting your time on a pale imitation.
He's as phony as your butter-flavored syrup.
But you You're not [gasps.]
You're a ventriloquist.
[Darkwing cackling.]
No.
It's definitely coming from the theatre.
I am the terror that flaps in the night.
He must be up in the projection booth.
Maybe Or maybe not.
Oh, no! This is all wrong! I am Darkwing Duck.
Don't worry.
Everything's going according to plan.
I was supposed to be captured.
Then, while Darkwing trashes the bad guys, I set you free.
Unfortunately, I have no idea how I'm going to do it.
[both.]
Launchpad! Ha! Flashlights? Surely you can do better than that.
Get him, boys.
Shred his reels! I got it! We'll eat our way out.
[chewing.]
Come on, kids.
Start chomping.
Honker, think.
We haven't got much time.
Um We need more popcorn.
I'm surrounded by madmen.
We need more what?! Up there.
The extra popcorn will absorb the butter.
[struggling.]
Come on, Launchpad, we need more popcorn.
No, thanks.
I haven't finished my firsts.
Quit dallying and finish him off.
[spitting.]
- [grunting.]
- Oh, it's a disaster epic.
Abandon film and heave away.
Cool! We've got munchies for weeks.
But what about Tuskerninni? We'll escape to film another day.
Perhaps something nautical, yes.
Stroke.
Stroke.
Stroke.
Don't worry.
It's not curtain time yet.
There's still time for an encore.
Oh, no! You deserve the publicity this time, Tuskerninni.
Take him away, boys.
He's got a command performance.
At the state pen! St.
Canard is safe once more.
Thanks to the help of Mr.
McQuack.
Anytime, Darkwing Duck.
It's Launchpad McQuack! But I reported you were Darkwing Duck.
Oh, my network special.
I'll look like a fool! I'm sorry, but I am not Darkwing Duck.
I was just an average citizen helping out, He is the real hero, It was all part of his heinous plan, - That's "ingenious plan.
" - Shh.
And so we are left wondering, just who is Darkwing Duck? Who cares? In tonight's network special, I cover a subject that's really important to the citizens of St, Canard, Ping-Pong and Wing-Ding, the new baby pandas at the St, Canard Zoo, What?! Pandas?! What about me? Where's my fame, my glory, my commercial endorsements? Oh, I'm yesterday's news.
A discarded duck.
How do you think I feel? I still got a truckload of Darkwing Duck shirts! Huh! I wonder if those pandas have an agent.
- I could pretend to be a panda.
- Ah, keen gear! We could make a fortune in merchandising alone.
Yes! # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck