Ducktales (1987) s01e57 Episode Script

- Life is like a hurricane - Here in Duckburg - Racecars, lasers, airplanes - it's a duck-blur - Might solve a mystery - Or rewrite history - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh - Every day they're out there making - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh - Tales of derring-do Bad and good luck tales - D-d-d-danger - Watch behind you - There's a stranger out to find you - What to do? Just grab on to some - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh - Every day they're out there making - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh - Tales of derring-do Bad and good luck tales - Ooh-woo-ooh Not ponytails or cotton tails, no - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh - [tires screeching.]
[Laughing.]
I really got the best of McDuck this time.
I sold him a yard full of old tires.
Would you believe he thinks he'll make money on them? [Tires screech.]
Well, McDuck, I see you found a use for one of those old tires.
That I did, Glomgold.
I don't suppose you have any more tires to spare? I've sold the first load I got from you.
Huh? [Scrooge.]
Haven't you heard? Every kid in the neighborhood owns one of McDuck Enterprise's Steel-Belted Swingers.
I'm making a fortune on those old tires of yours.
[laughs.]
Oh! Darn me argyles! I'm telling you, Glomgold, I can make money on anything.
Oh, yeah? I'll bet a million dollars I got something you can't make money on.
Sorry, I'm a businessman, not a gambling man.
What's the matter, McDuck? Afraid to put your money where you beak is? Me, afraid? Never.
Easiest million dollars I'll ever make.
Good luck, sucker.
[laughs.]
"The uncrashable Hindentanic"? Suffering Scots, I've got to make profit on that? - [Huey.]
What is it? - [Duckworth.]
A dirigible, Master Huey.
A digibible? No, no, no.
Dirigible.
A grand, old, lighter-than-air ship, used to carry passengers around the world.
You mean it's a big balloon? Precisely, but I wager this one will never fly again.
I'll show you and Glomgold.
I'll make this turkey fly, even if it takes all the money in my money bin.
But, sir, turkeys can't fly either.
You want to wager how close you are to being fired? - [Gobbling.]
- Oh, here goes one now.
Hello, Duckburg Daily News? Scrooge McDuck here.
I want to announce the return of the Hindentanic.
[Person babbling on phone.]
Yes, I know turkeys can't fly! Just print it.
[Woman.]
"Uncrashable Hindentanic makes comeback.
" Yeah, Madam.
It's fast becoming the event of the year.
Disaster film producer Irwin Mallard will be a passenger on the maiden flight.
Oh, Quacks! I must be in Irwin Mallard's new movie.
I haven't made a film in 50 years.
If the Hindentanic can make a comeback, so can I.
I must buy a ticket.
With what, madam? Your checkbook needs a comeback more than you do.
Don't worry.
I'll get aboard.
After all, I am the great Gloria Swansong.
"McDuck said a flight on the Hindentanic will be like a trip back in history.
" Ha! Scrooge is full of more hot air than that blimp will be.
He'll never make the Hindentanic fly.
Will he? [Cheering.]
[Booing, hissing.]
I christen this air ship the Hindentanic.
Are you sure this is cheap champagne? The cheapest, sir.
Look! Hindenpanic? Oh, dear.
Who could've misspelled it? - Who else? - Now to dot the I's and I'm finished.
[Sputtering.]
Uh-oh.
I'm finished.
- Look, up in the sky! - It's a bird.
- It's a plane! - It's that idiot, McQuack.
[Screaming.]
[Launchpad.]
Don't worry, I'm OK.
I'll still be able to pilot the Hindentanic.
You'll pilot nothing.
I won't let you near it.
Aw, come on, it's uncrashable.
Just the challenge I've been looking for.
Forget it, Launchpad.
I'm renting a pilot from Temp Cap.
OK, have it your way, Mr.
McD.
If that blimp leaves the ground and I'm not at the wheel, you'll regret it.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, for the rest of your life.
You're not going to crash it again, Sam.
[Cheering.]
Service, front and center.
Ready for takeoff, Uncle Scrooge.
[Scrooge.]
OK, bellhops.
Let's get hoppin'.
Professor Karl Sargander.
Ah, the famous astronomer.
Director Irwin Mallard.
Welcome aboard, sir.
It's a pleasure.
What a relief it'll be to get away from all those has-been actors trying to get a part in my next disaster movie.
Tickets, please.
Surely, you recognize me.
I'm a great movie star.
[Duckworth.]
Oh, yes, Miss Gloria Swansong.
I saw all your pictures [clears throat.]
as a child.
They didn't let me in without a ticket, either.
Next, please.
- Curses.
- Now what, madam? I have an idea.
Something I did in my Listen [whispering.]
[Scuffling.]
[Mumbling.]
"Help, help.
I must get to London by noon so I can have my beak transplanted before lunch.
" Oh, we'll get you to London in time for your beak transplant, Mr.
Wentworth.
If you need anything, just holler.
Or whatever you do.
[Grunting.]
Put Mr.
Rockefeller's honey bees in a safe place, boys.
They're a gift for the Queen of England.
Ah, Mr.
John D.
Rockefeller.
A pleasure, sir.
I trust this will be a safe trip for my cargo honey.
Of course, sir.
But don't call me "honey.
" All aboard! Five minute call! - Any sign of the captain from Temp Cap? - Sorry, sir.
Not yet.
[Whistling.]
Captain Farley Foghorn from Temp Cap at your service, sir.
You again? Well, you always ask for the cheapest that they have.
Yes, but what do you know about dirigibles? Only that they're very hard to pronounce.
Hoist the main sail, mates! Batten down the hatches! I should never have made that wager.
He's got more air in his head than this blimp.
[Cheering.]
[Engine revving.]
- [Piano music.]
- [Singing off key.]
Hey, ladies and germs, I'm Burt Quackerack, your crooner for this cruise.
So sit back, relax and let me take you - Up, up and away in my overgrown balloon Excuse me.
Will the film on this flight be a Gloria Swansong classic? Gracious, no.
My detergent makes better film than she does.
Quacks, go put Sheik Nurse of Baghdad on the projector, now! Hmm, of course, madam.
But the last time it was shown in flight, the passengers walked out somewhere over Kansas.
There's more than one way to win a bet: The rotten way.
Mr.
McD, this job is humiliating.
I've never had to stoop so low.
Well, stoop a little lower.
You missed something over there.
Your sheikness, we haven't met.
I'm Scrooge McDuck.
[Disguising voice.]
Sheik Ruten Tuten, from the oil-rich state of Dallas Ababa.
Welcome aboard.
Mr.
McDuck wants to see you very much right away.
I can't.
You see, I'm busy steering.
- Here, take it with you.
- Silly me.
Why didn't I think of that? [chuckles.]
Let's see Scrooge get to London without the propeller.
[laughs.]
- What is it, Professor Sargander? - A freak of nature, I'm afraid.
We're heading for a meteor shower.
Billions and billions of meteors.
[Farley.]
Uh, you wanted to see me? What are you doing? Don't ever do that again! We're heading straight into a meteor shower.
- Now turn this blimp! - It can't be done! The steering propeller's stuck.
We just took a turn for the worse.
[Gasping.]
- Hey, rain rocks keep falling on my head You've got to go out there and fix the propeller.
Out there? [laughs.]
Hey, I work for Temp Cap.
It stands for "temporary captain.
" Bye! [Scrooge.]
Oh, rats! His parachute opened.
Who onboard is smart enough to fix the propeller, but stupid enough to go out there? Fix the propeller? Sure, why not.
But first let me finish sweeping up around here.
Sweep later! I have been on rocky flights before, but this is ridiculous.
[Buzzing.]
These bees ought to cause enough chaos to help me win that bet.
[Buzzing.]
What's wrong? What do you call a whole bunch of bees? A pretty good report card? No, bees, bees! The buzzing kind! - They're loose! - Hold the door shut.
Keep them locked in! Stewardess, I feel sick.
[gagging.]
Oh, dear.
Wait, I'll get help.
Nurse, Mr.
Mallard needs you desperately.
Quacks, did you hear that? Irwin Mallard needs me! This is my big chance.
Oh, nurse, you've gotta help.
I I feel sick.
No, it's not the food.
It's her! [Lrwin.]
I've never seen such bad acting in my life.
[Scoffs.]
- How did it go, madam? - Shut up and take me to wardrobe.
I must get out of this ridiculous uniform.
My million-dollar wager rests on whether Launchpad can keep us flying.
I might as well throw in the kilt.
[Buzzing.]
- Oh no! They got loose! - How are we gonna catch 'em? The Junior Woodchucks Guidebook says to coax them into a beehive.
What's a beehive look like? Like Mrs.
Beakley's hairdo! [Both scream.]
- My precious honey bees! - Billions and billions of bees.
Great Scots! This is the Hindenpanic.
- [Smash.]
- [Splash.]
Hey, this soup came with a bill.
What'd you think, it was free? [Gloria.]
Surely you don't expect me to wear lace curtains and a lampshade.
Sorry, madam.
We neglected to board the luggage.
Well, what do you think? You look like you've suffered for your art, madam.
Now get out your umbrella.
I'm going to be acting up a storm.
[Screaming.]
- Uh-oh.
Sting city! - The bees found their hive.
Look! Somebody do something quick! [Gasps.]
- Take this blimp to London.
- We're already going there.
Oh, then can I have a soda? [Buzzing.]
Come on, guys, - [Pop.]
- Uh-oh.
Better blow this thing back up.
[High tone.]
On second thought, maybe not.
Hey! I sound like Huey, Dewey and Louie.
[Buzzing.]
Yow! Good news, Mr.
McD.
We're back on course.
And [coughing.]
We missed the heavy-duty hail up ahead.
You're a lifesaver, Launchpad.
I've had enough catastrophes for one day.
Well, I'd love to save the next catastrophe for tomorrow, but I'm afraid [clears throat.]
it just can't wait.
Oh, no! Now what? I hate to burst your bubble, but I burst your balloon.
[Scrooge.]
What? [Screaming.]
Leave it to me to make the uncrashable Hindentanic crashable.
I've got to find a pilot.
I'm desperate.
How desperate? You've caused enough trouble already.
- [Screaming.]
- This trip is a disaster.
I love it! Can't you keep this dirigible level? We need more rear ballasts, sir.
And I know just where to get some.
Mrs.
Beakley, I need you in the back of the ship.
But the passengers need me up front.
No buts.
Right now, in the back.
McDuck, if we crash, we're suing you for Billions and billions of dollars.
[Sputtering.]
[Yelling.]
Duckworth, what did you do? Have you flipped? Obviously, sir.
Perhaps I should return to the galley.
Good idea.
And send some ballast up here.
- Aye, aye, sir.
- [Crash.]
- What's happening, Quacks? - We're crashing, madam.
But I'm too young to crash.
Think of this as the big fade out.
You wanted to see me, Mr.
McDuck? Yes.
Crawl up that wall.
[Screaming.]
Uh-oh.
Take us up.
It's an iceberg! Take us down.
It's another meteor shower.
Take us left.
It's the swarm.
Unless we get more helium or lighten the load, we're going to crash.
- We'd better unload excess weight.
- Oh, no.
You're not throwing me overboard.
I've been through enough.
No, no, no.
We'll throw the luggage overboard.
Wait, Uncle Scrooge.
The Junior Woodchuck Guidebook says that the best way to keep a leaking blimp afloat is to fill it with hot air.
Hot air? [Piano music.]
Boys, perhaps it'd help very much if you burned piano.
- Much wood, burn good.
- Good idea.
- Come on, sweetie, hey, light my fire Blooming bagpipes! We've set the the bag on fire.
It's hopeless.
I've lost the bet.
I'm ruined.
I'll never gamble again.
See you at the bank, McDuck.
[laughs.]
Marvelous.
Simply marvelous.
Get my Oscar ready.
As long as we're going to crash, we might as well crash with style.
- Go for it, Launchpad.
- You mean it? I won't let you down, Mr.
McD.
You better.
Why do you think I'm hiring you? Steady there, Launchpad.
Only a little bit more to go.
[Boom.]
You did it, Launchpad.
You saved us.
Abandon blimp! Fantastic.
Fantastic.
Cut! A million dollars in the drink.
Glomgold'll never let me live this down.
Count on that, McDuck.
Your investment in the Hindentanic was a disaster.
[laughs.]
It sure was.
I'm gonna make us rich, Mr.
McDuck.
This is no time to joke, Mr.
Mallard.
Who's joking? Thanks to you, I got my next disaster picture.
It has everything: Swarm of bees, a blazing inferno, an iceberg, a meteor shower, bad acting.
You've saved me a fortune, so I'm cutting you in on it.
You'll make billions and billions of dollars.
[Horn blowing.]
Ahoy, Mr.
McDuckie! All aboard for Duckburg! [Cheering.]
Ah, it even has a happy ending.
Isn't it splendid, Quacks? My fans love me again.
Congratulations, madam.
You have had more comebacks than the boomerang.
I always did want to be an actor.
I didn't think I had the beak for it.
This ought to show Glomgold I can make money on anything.
Even a disaster.
[laughs.]