Ducktales (1987) s01e61 Episode Script

- Life is like a hurricane - Here in Duckburg - Race cars, lasers, airplanes - it's a duck-blur - Might solve a mystery - Or rewrite history - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh! - Every day they're out there making - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh! - Tales of derring-do Bad and good luck tales - D-d-d-danger - Watch behind you - There's a stranger out to find you - What to do? Just grab on to some - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh! - Every day they're out there making - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh! - Tales of derring-do Bad and good luck tales - Ooh-woo-ooh! Not pony tales or cotton tales, no - DuckTales Ooh-woo-ooh! - [alarm ringing.]
Mirth and be merry! Look what day it is! Happy Dime Polishing Day, sir.
- Thank you, Duckworth.
- Love the skirt, sir.
It's a kilt.
Come along, Duckworth.
Let's begin the yearly polish.
It's rather large for a dime, wouldn't you say, sir? A quarter? Where's my Number One dime? Sound the alarm! Call the police! Someone took my lucky dime! [Alarm ringing.]
Hey! What's going on, Duckworth? The Number One dime.
It's presence is sorely missed.
Uncle Scrooge, wait! We've got your dime! Later, boys.
This is a crisis.
You've got it?! That's it.
Whew! - We took it.
- We gave you our lucky quarter.
Yeah.
We won six rounds of Ducky Kong with it.
That makes it two and a half times luckier than your dime.
Boys, you've got to promise me never to touch my Number One dime again.
Gee, Uncle Scrooge, what's so special about it? It's responsible for my move to America.
And for my wealth.
How did one measly dime do all that, Uncle Scrooge? [Scrooge.]
Sit down and I'll explain it while I give the dime its yearly polish.
Now then, boys, it all started when I was a wee lad, knee high to my father's kilt.
[Bagpipes playing.]
I wanted to grow up and play the bagpipes like me father.
But i saw a better future in the newly invented electric bagpipes.
For some reason, McPoppa thought my talent was in business.
And insisted i try it first.
So that's exactly what i did.
I'd like to be president of this bank.
I insist on a top salary, pension plan and a two week paid vacation every year.
Don't worry, I'm qualified.
I was me eighth grade class treasurer.
I learned the hard way that the bottom is where you start in life.
I tried my luck at the telegraph office.
But when i got my wires crossed, it made my boss very cross.
Finally, the only place left to try was Curly's Barber Shoppe.
You're to shine shoes, sweep up the hair and feathers, and help customers with their coats.
Got it? Aye.
But I insist on a top salary, pension plan and two week paid vacation every year.
[Curly.]
I'll pay you nothing.
- Sounds fair.
- You'll work for tips.
Get to work shining this ditch digger's boots.
Aye, sir.
Right away, sir.
[Scrooge.]
Hour after hour i chipped away at that mud like McMichelangelo would marble.
It was me first job and i don't think i've ever worked so hard in my life.
Finally i finished.
And from the shine in his boots, i could see how tired i was.
But it was worth it when he gave me this.
My Number One dime.
A dime must've been worth a lot more back in the old days.
'Cause it won't even buy bubblegum these days.
Well, that first dime certainly didn't make me rich.
In fact, as far as my parents were concerned, it was worthless.
You worked yourself weary for this? That dime isn't worth ten cents here in Scotland.
You'll have to go to America to spend it.
Might not be a bad idea.
I hear it's the land of opportunity.
Oh, I could never leave you and McMomma.
I want to stay in Scotland, smell the heather, and play the bagpipes just like you, McPoppa.
[McPoppa.]
It's hard to squeeze out a good living that way.
You deserve better.
I want you to work smarter, not harder, lad.
[Scrooge.]
i knew McPoppa knew best.
And somehow i also knew that dime was a sign.
A sign that my fortune lay across the sea in America.
As it were, i had an uncle, Catfish McDuck, who had migrated there.
He was a riverboat captain.
He wrote to us the abundant wealth there for the taking.
So i decided to save my money and move to America.
I'd take my McPoppa's advice.
I worked smarter not harder.
It took most people years to save enough money to go overseas.
I did it in a few months, with the help of my father's suspenders.
[Laughs.]
[Seagulls calling.]
- Goodbye, Scroogie.
Write to us.
- I'll send money home, McMomma.
Good luck, son.
Remember I know, McPoppa.
Work smarter not harder.
No.
Take these blasted bagpipes with you.
[Bagpipes sputter.]
- I'll miss the lad.
- Aye.
[Scrooge.]
i set sail on the Queen Mary of Scots.
It took two weeks to cross the Atlantic.
And a long, hard two weeks it was.
Lucky for me, i had my bagpipes to keep me company.
And, of course, my dreams of the riches that awaited me on the other side of the Atlantic.
America wasn't at all what i'd expected.
Still, i was certain riches were just around the corner.
- You're under arrest.
- Arrest? What for? For wearing a dress in public.
It's a kilt! I don't care if it's a hoop skirt, I'm running you in.
[Scrooge.]
'Twas in jail where i first encountered the Beagle Boys.
[Whistling, chuckles.]
Look at them legs, Butch.
Kind of homely, ain't she, Wild Bill? Ma would kill for a pretty skirt like that, and she has.
[All laugh.]
How'd you get out of jail, Uncle Scrooge? Well, I had to post my Number One dime for bail.
Finally, my case came up in court.
But it looked grim.
The defendant will rise.
Your Honor, the State charges Scrooge McDuck with disgusting the public.
His appearance is unmanly, un-American, and those bony knees are the biggest crime of all.
- Why, you no good - Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna Order! Order! This court has decided to sentence you to 30 days.
Me? In the slammer? - No.
In a skirt.
- On what grounds? For insulting Judge Scotty McGillicutty.
- Does this mean I'm free? - Aye.
You're Scot free.
- Do I get my dime back? - Welcome to America, laddie.
[Scrooge.]
So, with that situation settled, i used a wee bit of Scottish charm and set out to find my filthy rich Uncle Catfish.
Of course, i was hoping some of my uncle's success would rub off on me.
He was more filthy than he was rich, though.
I found out why they called him "Catfish.
" That's what he smelled like.
- [Cats moaning.]
- [Flies buzzing.]
What about those letters you sent? I thought you were rich.
Well, if cats were money, I'd be rich.
I will be rich, if I could just settle the rights to that plantation.
Cornpone Gables.
I used to haul freight for old Colonel Cornpone.
- So did I.
- Who are you? They call me Old Man Ribbit, monsieur.
Colonel Cornpone went to his reward owing me money.
The plantation is mine, you crazy Cajun! Oh, no, sir.
That belong to moi.
- I got the freight liens to prove it.
- Well, my freight liens say it's mine! - Poppycock! It's mine.
- Mine! Oh, you ribbit me the wrong way, Mr.
Catfish.
Wait.
Why not settle this once and for all? Oh, oui.
Perhaps a duel.
- Shall we say pistols at dawn? - Swords at sunset.
- Grenades after dinner.
- Canons at midnight.
Why not a race? A riverboat race.
- Winner takes all.
- That's a good idea, mademoiselle.
Let's race.
[Scrooge.]
The two riverboats were to race from Notches to Buzzard Bend.
Uncle Catfish made me his partner and we manned the Cortland Queen.
Old Man Ribbit was being helped by one of the Beaver Boys in the Silt Slapper.
At the sound of the gun we were off.
The Cortland Queen took an early lead.
But what Uncle Catfish and i didn't know, was that Old Man Ribbit was more cagey than Cajun.
With help from the other Beaver Boys, Old Man Ribbit was going to see to it he won.
Sacrebleu! We sacre blew it! I will show them, mon ami.
- [Cackling.]
- Faster, partner, faster! But faster didn't help.
That cagey Cajun's bad turn kept our paddle wheel from turning at all.
We were certain to lose everything now.
Nasty old riverboat captain used every dirty trick in the book.
And some, he just made up.
But Uncle Catfish and i weren't out of the running yet.
- Ah! - Uncle Catfish! Worthless contraptions! Now work hard, Scroogie.
We've got to catch up with the Silt Slapper.
Why didn't I think of it before? [Scrooge.]
"Work smarter, not harder," my McPoppa always said.
Move your tail, you worthless beaver! We can still win.
Good work, Scroogie! The plantation is ours, partner! Hold it.
Who said anything about sharing the plantation? I thought we were partners.
We were.
In the race.
And for that, I intend to pay you.
[Scrooge.]
Uncle Catfish gave me a shiny half dollar.
So is that how you got rich, Uncle Scrooge? No.
That's how Uncle Catfish got rich.
I figured if I was going to get rich, I'd have to go into business for myself.
Be me own boss.
Cotton swab.
So, I bid my cheapskate uncle farewell.
And i worked my way north to mine for gold on the Klondike.
This time i was certain all i had to do was find a plot of land and start digging.
[Man.]
No women allowed.
Beat it, Betty.
[Scrooge.]
The landscape looked like a gopher hotel.
But eventually i found a claim to stake.
The weather on the Klondike was as nasty as the grizzly bears.
Snow, wind, sleet.
My assets were frozen.
It was horrible.
But i kept on digging, even though the other miners gave up hope and left.
My hard work paid off handsomely.
I even made enough money to send some to my poor McMomma and McPoppa.
Look what Scroogie sent.
Very nice, McPoppa, but how are we supposed to spend American money in Scotland? So you got rich digging for gold, huh? Well, I did make a plaid dandy living, but I didn't feel rich.
Not yet.
Something was missing.
I wanted more.
- More what? - I wasn't sure, lad.
But I did try to use the gold wisely.
- Like my McPoppa said - [all.]
"Work smarter, not harder.
" Right.
So I invested every penny of it.
My first real business venture was to buy my own plot of land.
Oklahoma Timberland.
The best there is.
Trees for days.
You'll make so much money, you'll have to build a bin to put it in.
Hey, nice skirt.
[Scrooge.]
i even bought a train to haul the lumber.
Aah! There was only one wee problem.
He sold me a train with no tracks.
There was only one thing i could do.
Lay railroad tracks as i went.
So i hired some workers and promised to pay them a fair wage as soon as i reached my Oklahoma Timberland.
We were making good time until we were stuck in our tracks by Ma Beagle and the Beagle Boys.
Jump that track.
This is a stick-up! Uh-oh.
Those are either train robbers or the ugliest welcome wagon I've ever seen.
Well, if it ain't Purty Skirty.
- It's a kilt.
- I don't care if it's a hoop skirt.
Get away from that safe.
Never.
My most valuable possession is in there.
Then we're blasting it open.
You wouldn't dare blast with me standing here.
[Screaming.]
A lousy dime? I used the best dynamite stolen money can buy for a lousy dime? Here, Ma.
Happy Mother's Day.
You always steal such pretty things.
- You're such a good boy.
- Aw, shucks.
[Scrooge.]
That was the second time i lost my Number One dime.
And the first time i lost my kilt.
I was determined to get them both back.
So, i tracked them to their hideout, bringing along a little help.
Come out of there, kilt snatchers! - You're surrounded.
- [Ma Beagle.]
We're not coming out! All right.
You leave me no choice.
This calls for Scottish warfare.
[Bagpipes play shrilly.]
He's fighting dirty, Ma! Tell him to play fair, Ma! Play Fair Ma? I don't know that one.
If you'll hum a few bars, maybe I can fake it.
- [Continues playing.]
- [Screaming.]
[Groaning.]
I can't wait for the peace and quiet of a nice prison.
[Scrooge.]
With Ma Beagle and her boys back in the slammer, i moved on to me Oklahoma Timberland.
But when i got there, there was another wee problem.
No trees.
I'd been swindled out of all my money.
There wasn't enough wood on the land to feed a baby beaver.
And the railroad workers were ready to take their pay out of my hide.
It was time for me to make some tracks of my own.
All the money i had was my Number One dime.
And i couldn't let them have that.
So i buried it, right in the center of my worthless timberland.
But i struck oil.
A gusher! And all thanks to my lucky Number One dime.
[Cackling.]
I made enough money to pay the railroad workers.
And start my first savings account.
So you got rich selling oil, right, Uncle Scrooge? Uh Well, I made a lot of money, all right.
But I didn't feel rich.
- Not yet, I didn't.
- So what did you do next? I risked it all to go international.
Tell me, Scrooge, are you still trading crude oil? [Man 2.]
Don't you know the real money is in diamonds? Yes.
Wiggley and I just bought some African diamond mines.
We'd be willing to sell you a teensy weensy share.
You know, just so you can keep up with the Piggley Wiggleys, as it were.
I don't think so, Piggley.
What about this plot of land right here? Oh, that? Just worthless coal fields.
Coal has no value in Africa whatsoever.
It's so hot there, who needs to burn it? Then I'll buy your coal fields.
This is the spot to put out the peanuts.
Does he really expect to make money planting peanuts? I knew he was a little off the day I laid eyes on that kilt.
It's a skirt! [Stuttering.]
I mean I hate to tell you this, Scrooge, old boy, but peanuts won't grow in Africa.
Who's growing peanuts? - [Thundering footfalls.]
- What's that? An earthquake? The stock market crashing? No.
Just the sound of money coming my way.
Look.
- [Piggley.]
Elephant stampede! - [Trumpeting.]
[Wiggly.]
They're heading for the peanuts! [Scrooge.]
See, with the peanuts I attracted the elephants.
With the weight of the elephants, I created enough pressure to turn the coal into diamonds.
Oh, brilliant, McDuck! Where can we buy some peanuts? Why, from McDuck Peanut lmports, of course.
[Scrooge.]
By this time i had made so much money i couldn't sleep at night.
So i had to build that money bin.
There was so much money, i could swim through it.
Which is still one of my favorite pastimes.
Now were you rich, Uncle Scrooge? Oh, just the opposite, lad.
Without me parents I felt poorer than ever.
Then when did you start to feel richer? Well, I guess it was about the time your Uncle Donald went away to sea.
What did he do? Well, he left you boys with me.
And then Mrs.
Beakley and wee Webby showed up and for the first time I that's it! You boys and Mrs.
Beakley and Webby.
Why, even Duckworth made it happen.
What did we do? Don't you see? For the first time since I left Scotland I have a family.
And having a family to share my wealth with makes me well, truly rich.
Does that mean we can have a raise in our allowance? You don't need it.
We've got each other.
What do you say we all go over to the money bin for a dip together? I'd rather have a raise in my allowance.
I'd rather have a raise in my allowance.
But OK.
Yay! [All cheering, hollering.]