Animaniacs (1993) s01e72 Episode Script

IT'S TIME FOR ANIMANIACS AND WE'RE ZANY TO THE MAX SO JUST SIT BACK AND RELAX YOU'LL LAUGH TILL YOU COLLAPSE WE'RE ANIMANIACS COME JOIN THE WARNER BROTHERS AND THE WARNER SISTER DOT JUST FOR FUN WE RUN AROUND THE WARNER MOVIE LOT THEY LOCK US IN THE TOWER WHENEVER WE GET CAUGHT BUT WE BREAK LOOSE AND THEN VAMOOSE AND NOW YOU KNOW THE PLOT WE'RE ANIMANIACS DOT IS CUTE AND YAKKO YAKS WAKKO PACKS AWAY THE SNACKS WHILE BILL CLINTON PLAYS THE SAX WE'RE ANIMANIACS MEET PINKY AND THE BRAIN WHO WANT TO RULE THE UNIVERSE GOODFEATHERS FLOCK TOGETHER SLAPPY WHACKS 'EM WITH HER PURSE BUTTONS CHASES MINDY WHILE RITA SINGS A VERSE THE WRITERS FLIPPED, WE HAVE NO SCRIPT WHY BOTHER TO REHEARSE? WE'RE ANIMANIACS WE HAVE PAY-OR-PLAY CONTRACTS WE'RE ZANY TO THE MAX THERE'S BALONEY IN OUR SLACKS WE'RE ANIMANEE TOTALLY INSANE-Y PINKY AND THE BRAINY ANIMANIACS THOSE ARE THE FACTS CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION AND FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY GEE, BRAIN, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TONIGHT? SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT-- TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN YES, PINKY AND THE BRAIN ONE IS A GENIUS THE OTHER'S INSANE THEY'RE LABORATORY MICE THEIR GENES HAVE BEEN SPLICED THEY'RE DINKY THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN AT THE DAWN OF THE 20TH CENTURY, RUSSIAN SCIENTIS IVAN PAVLOV TRAINED ANIMALS THROUGH HIS TECHNIQUE OF "CONDITIONED REFLEX.
" TIME TO EARN YOUR DINNER, MY LITTLE MOUSEY FRIENDS.
[GONG.]
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT THIS IS MY HANDLE, THIS IS MY SPOUT WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP, HEAR ME SHOUT TIP ME OVER AND POUR ME OUT EXCELLENT! SPLENDID! HA HA HA HA! EGAD, BRAIN, I COULD WATCH YOU DO THAT DANCE ALL DAY! HA HA! NARF! YOU HAVE WATCHED I ALL DAY, PINKY.
61 TIMES.
IT'S A CONDITIONED REFLEX TO THAT GONG.
I'M POWERLESS TO STOP IT.
NEXT! [DING-A-LING.]
NARF! NARF! WONDERFUL! REALLY KEEN! WHATCHA DOING OVER THERE? CONTEMPLATING YOUR AFTERLIFE, PINKY.
WELL, GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE FRIENDS.
I HOPE YOU DREAM OF CHEESE.
AT LAST.
HE'S GONE.
NOW WE CAN BEGIN OUR CONQUEST OF THE WORLD.
BEHOLD MY LATES CREATION, PINKY.
THE VACUUM-O-NATER! IT USES REVERSE AIR PRESSURE TO VACUUM EVERYTHING TOWARD IT.
ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING? UH, YEAH, BRAIN.
BUT WHERE ARE WE GONNA FIND RUBBER PANTS OUR SIZE? NO, PINKY.
WE'RE GOING TO USE THE VACUUM-O-NATER TO STEAL RUSSIA'S CROWN JEWELS! NARF! GENIUS, BRAIN! TURN IT OFF, PINKY! OH.
RIGHT-O! ZORT! OOH! WILD HAIR-DO, BRAIN! HA HA! I LIKE IT.
NOW I FEEL CLEANSED.
BUT, BRAIN, AREN' THE CROWN JEWELS ALWAYS GUARDED BY GIANT COSSACKS? DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE GUARDS, FOR TONIGHT, PINKY, AT PRECISELY 1 A.
M.
, THERE'S A TOTAL LUNAR ECLIPSE.
THE EARTH'S SHADOW WILL COMPLETELY COVER THE MOON BLACKING OU ST.
PETERSBURG FOR A PERIOD OF 30 SECONDS.
IN THAT BRIEF TIME, WE'LL SNEAK PAS THE CZAR'S GUARDS AND STEAL THE CROWN JEWELS, FOR HE WHO CONTROLS THE JEWELS, CONTROLS MOTHER RUSSIA.
I THOUGH YOUR MOTHER'S NAME WAS DESIREE.
SOON, PINKY, I WILL RULE RUSSIA.
SO FROM NOW ON, CALL ME CZAR.
RIGHT-O, BRAIN.
EEK! CZAR BRAIN.
COME ALONG, PINKY.
CONQUEST AWAITS.
[GONG.]
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT THIS IS MY HANDLE, THIS IS MY SPOUT WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP, HEAR ME SHOUT TIP ME OVER AND POUR ME OUT THAT WAS FUN, CZAR BRAIN! LET'S GIVE IT ANOTHER GO.
ONLY THIS TIME WITH FEELING.
[DING-A-LING-LING.]
NO, PINKY.
NOT NOW! NARF! NARF! NARF! THAT WAS UNPLEASANT.
THERE IT IS, PINKY.
THE CZAR'S WINTER PALACE, WHERE THE CROWN JEWELS AWAIT.
WE'RE OFF! WE MADE I INSIDE, BRAIN.
CZAR BRAIN.
CZAR BRAIN.
YES, PINKY.
THERE ARE FLEETING MOMENTS WHEN I EVEN AMAZE MYSELF.
[LAUGHTER.]
WHO ELSE BUT ME, THE CZAR, WOULD THINK TO HAVE AN ECLIPSE PARTY? IN A FEW MINUTES, IT'LL BE TOTALLY DARK AND SCARY.
OOOOOH! BUT DON' ANYONE TOUCH ME.
I HAVE COOTIES.
[LAUGHTER.]
BEHOLD THE CROWN JEWELS OF MOTHER RUSSIA, PINKY.
WORLD CONQUES WILL SOON BE OURS.
NOW, BRAIN? NOT YET.
WAIT FOR THE TOTAL ECLIPSE.
OOH! OOH! OOH! COMPLETE DARKNESS, PINKY.
START THE VACUUM-O-NATER NOW! [GONG.]
[DING-A-LING.]
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT NARF! THIS IS MY HANDLE, NARF! THIS IS MY SPOUT WHEN I GE ALL STEAMED UP, HEAR ME SHOUT NARF! TIP ME OVER AND POUR ME OUT NARF! NARF! THUS ENDS MY TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE MOON.
WHAT? THE ECLIPSE IS OVER? NARF! WHAT HAPPENED, BRAIN? ZORT! I MEAN, CZAR BRAIN.
WE FAILED AGAIN, PINKY, BUT JUST WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
WHY? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO THEN? WHAT ELSE? TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! THEY'RE DINKY THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN NARF! CHICKEN BOO WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU DON'T AC LIKE THE OTHER CHICKENS DO YOU WEAR A DISGUISE TO LOOK LIKE HUMAN GUYS BUT YOU'RE NOT A MAN YOU'RE A CHICKEN BOO ARE YOU DECENT? WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE THE TOAST OF NEW YORK? RUMOR HAS I YOU DEFECTED FROM YOUR COUNTRY TO JOIN THE NYC BALLET.
RUMOR ALSO HAS I YOU'RE A GIANT CHICKEN.
HOW DARE YOU INSUL THE GREAT BOO-RYSHNIKOV BEFORE HIS BALLET! AWAY, OR I'LL LEAP AND KICK YOU WITH MY BONY TOES! HA HA HA! YOU, A GIANT CHICKEN? OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
YOU ARE THE BEST DANCER I HAVE EVER SEEN.
BUK, BUK, BUK, BUK, BUK BUK-AAH! [ORCHESTRA PLAYING SWAN LAKE.]
OHH! [GASPS.]
HE'S A CHICKEN! A CHICKEN! AAH! AAH! [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
IT'S TRUE! HE'S A GIANT CHICKEN! BOO! BOO! BOO! GET OUT OF HERE! PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELVES! I DID NOT KNOW HE WAS POULTRY! CHEAT! I'M TELLING THE TALK SHOWS! [CLUCKING.]
YOU ARE THE WORST DANCER I HAVE EVER SEEN! YOU WEAR A DISGUISE TO LOOK LIKE HUMAN GUYS BUT YOU'RE NOT A MAN YOU'RE A CHICKEN BOO IN 1916, THE RUSSIAN EMPIRE WAS RULED BY CZAR NICHOLAS II, THE LAST IN LINE OF THE GREAT LEADERS AND NOT SO GREAT LEADERS.
BUT BEHIND THE SCENES, THE EVIL MONK RASPUTIN WAS CONTROLLING THE CZAR WITH HYPNOTISM.
RASPUTIN FORCED THE CZAR TO DO WHATEVER HE WANTED, EVEN THE MOST VILE OF ACTS.
I REALLY LIKE RASPUTIN 'CAUSE I DON'T REALIZE I ONLY LIKE RASPUTIN 'CAUSE I AM HYPNOTIZED HEY! WHY, RASPUTIN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WE WERE DISCUSSING MY RAISE, YOUR HIGHNESS.
WE WERE? I GAVE YOU A RAISE YESTERDAY.
YOU WANT TO GIVE ME ANOTHER RAISE, AND, UH, A PUPPY.
YES.
YES! WHY, RASPUTIN, THERE YOU ARE.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.
I WANT TO GIVE YOU ANOTHER RAISE AND A PUPPY.
IF YOU INSIST, KIND CZAR.
BY CONTROLLING THE CZAR, RASPUTIN HAD ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY OVER ALL DECISIONS AFFECTING THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT.
[PANTING.]
I APPOINT YOU SECRETARY OF CHEESE, YOU, KEEPER OF THE LINT, AND AS FOR YOU, KISS MY PUPPY.
AAAHHH! HE LIKES YOU.
NOW, TAKE HIM POTTY.
BYE-BYE.
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA WHY, HE'S INSANE.
CZAR, RASPUTIN IS MAD.
HE'S RUINING THE COUNTRY.
YOU MUST FIRE HIM.
I LIKE HIM.
YOU HAVE A PUPPY ON YOUR NOSE.
YES, IT SEEMED EVERYONE WAS POWERLESS AGAINST RASPUTIN, UNTIL ONE DAY OH, MY TOOTH, MY TOOTH.
OH, WHAT IS TAKING THE ROYAL DENTISTS SO LONG? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
AT LAST! IF YOUR LITTLE TOOTHY'S ACHING AND YOU'RE LOW ON DOUGH USE THE FRIENDLY CREDIT DENTIST CALLED DR.
YAKKO SE HABLA ESPAÑOL.
OHHH! PLEASE! THE PAIN! YOU MUST HELP ME.
NOW YOU JUST RELAX.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.
PREP THE PATIENT.
[GASPS.]
THAT'S PREPPY.
MAYBE I'LL GE ANOTHER DENTIST.
DON'T BE NERVOUS, KID.
DR.
YAKKO'S THE MOST GENTLE DENTIS IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.
IT'S JUST THE DRILL THAT HURTS.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE REAL DENTISTS? TO BE HONEST, DENTISTRY'S JUST A HOBBY.
WE'RE ACTUALLY PROFESSIONAL SHRINERS.
OHHHH! SLOW DOWN! WHY? EVERYONE ELSE IS RUSSIAN HERE.
[RIMSHOT.]
I DON'T WRITE 'EM.
I JUST SAY 'EM.
SHRINERS, HALT.
WHOA! THERE.
WE'RE READY, DR.
YAKKO.
OPEN.
OH, MY.
OH, MY, MY.
EWW! OH, THE HUMANITY.
OH, THE HUMANITY.
GO AWAY! RASPUTIN.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
IT DOESN'T HURT AT ALL.
I'M SORRY, PUMPKIN, BUT THAT TOOTH HAS TO COME OUT.
WE'RE READY.
WE'RE READY.
COME ON, MR.
SCAREDY MONK.
NO, NO, REALLY.
I FEEL GOOD.
THE TOOTHACHE'S ALL GONE.
OW! WE'LL HAVE TO DEADEN THE PAIN WITH A LITTLE ANASTASIA.
OBSCURE JOKE.
ASK YOUR PARENTS.
WAKKO, MY DENTAL INSTRUMENT, PLEASE.
[TOOT.]
HMM, FLAT.
AHH, HERE WE GO.
I REQUIRE THE AID OF MY ASSISTANTS.
[STRAINING.]
THAT TOOTH IS REALLY IN THERE.
LET'S TRY THE STRING.
OLD-FASHIONED, BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK.
ON THE COUN OF 3, PULL.
4! [STRAINING.]
[MUMBLING.]
UH I'LL GE THE DYNAMITE.
DYNAMITE? AAH! WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID? AAH! WAIT UP, MR.
MONK MAN.
WE WANT TO HELP YOU.
I'LL HAVE THE CZAR ARREST THOSE DENTISTS AND GET ME ANOTHER RAISE.
CZAR! THERE'S THE STRING.
HOLD ON.
I'M GOING IN.
I GOT IT! SHRINERS, HALT! IT'S A FEW MORE THAN I WANTED, BUT I'M PLEASED.
WHAT HAPPENED? RASPUTIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? THE LAST THING I REMEMBER WAS YOU ASKING FOR A RAISE.
SORRY, RASPUTIN, NO RAISE.
ROOK INFRO MYRE EYES.
WHAT? I FRAID ROOK INFRO MYRE EYES.
I DON' UNDERSTAND YOU.
I FRAID ROOK INFRO MYRE EYES! DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME.
RISTEN STO MYRE, YOU STUPID CZAR.
HOW DARE YOU! YOU'RE FIRED.
I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY I KEPT YOU AROUND SO LONG.
GET OUT! NO LONGER CAPABLE OF HYPNOTIZING THE CZAR, RASPUTIN WAS BANISHED FOREVER, AND THE CZAR WAS FREE TO RULE RUSSIA AS HE DARN WELL PLEASED.
I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.
RUSSIA OWES YOU A GREAT DEBT.
GOODBYE.
BYE-BYE, CZAR.
WHAT A NICE MAN.
I SEE NOTHING BUT GOOD THINGS IN HIS FUTURE.
OF COURSE, I COULD BE WRONG.
I WILL GIVE YOU BONES.
BONESBONES.
I MAY BE UGLY, BUT I'M SMART.
IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN.
TO MAKE BIZARRE FACES? TO ENCOURAGE CHILDREN TO SEND CANDY? NO.
TIME TO LEARN TODAY'S LESSON.
TO LEARN WHAT IT IS, WE TURN TO THE WHEEL OF MORALITY.
WHEEL OF MORALITY, TURN, TURN, TURN.
TELL US THE LESSON THAT WE SHOULD LEARN.
THE MORAL OF TODAY'S STORY IS BRUSH YOUR TEETH AFTER EVERY MEAL.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE AMERICAN DENTAL ASSOCIATION.
THAT MAKES ME FEEL WARM AND SQUISHY.
EITHER THA OR I NEED DIAPERS.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
YIPE! YIPE! YIPE! LATHER.
RINSE.
REPEAT.