Animaniacs (1993) s01e82 Episode Script
Hiccup / Clown and Out / Bubba Bo Bob Brain / In the Garden of Mindy / No Place Like Homeless
IT'S TIME FOR ANIMANIACS AND WE'RE ZANY TO THE MAX SO JUST SIT BACK AND RELAX YOU'LL LAUGH TILL YOU COLLAPSE WE'RE ANIMANIACS COME JOIN THE WARNER BROTHERS AND THE WARNER SISTER DOT JUST FOR FUN WE RUN AROUND THE WARNER MOVIE LOT THEY LOCK US IN THE TOWER WHENEVER WE GET CAUGHT BUT WE BREAK LOOSE AND THEN VAMOOSE AND NOW YOU KNOW THE PLOT WE'RE ANIMANIACS DOT IS CUTE AND YAKKO YAKS WAKKO PACKS AWAY THE SNACKS WHILE BILL CLINTON PLAYS THE SAX WE'RE ANIMANIACS MEET PINKY AND THE BRAIN WHO WANT TO RULE THE UNIVERSE GOODFEATHERS FLOCK TOGETHER SLAPPY WHACKS 'EM WITH HER PURSE BUTTONS CHASES MINDY WHILE RITA SINGS A VERSE THE WRITERS FLIPPED, WE HAVE NO SCRIPT WHY BOTHER TO REHEARSE? WE'RE ANIMANIACS WE HAVE PAY-OR-PLAY CONTRACTS WE'RE ZANY TO THE MAX THERE'S BALONEY IN OUR SLACKS WE'RE ANIMANEE TOTALLY INSANE-Y EISENHOWER, MAMIE ANIMANIACS THOSE ARE THE FACTS CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION AND FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY [YAWNS.]
IS IT HOT IN HERE? I DEFINITELY FEEL WARM.
OH, MY GOSH, THERE'S A FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! AAH! I'M ON FIRE! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT! WAIT A MINUTE.
I AM A FIRE.
IMAGINE MY EMBARRASSMENT.
I WISH SOMEONE WOULD TELL ME THESE THINGS.
I'M ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW.
HEY, WHOA THERE, FELLA.
PUT ME DOWN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? OH, TAKING ME ON A LITTLE TOUR OF THE PLACE? I CAN DEAL WITH THAT.
NICE PAD YOU HAVE HERE.
HEY, NOT SO FAST, PAL.
I'LL FALL OFF THIS THING.
SLOW DOWN.
SLOW DOWN! AAH! THAT'S BETTER.
NOW WHERE ARE WE GOING? UP THERE? ARE YOU CRAZY? IT'S DARK UP THERE.
COUNT ME OUT.
I'M SCARED OF THE DARK.
IF YOU'RE GOING UP THERE, GO ALONE.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT TO GO.
TURN AROUND, WILL YOU? GO BACK DOWN.
I DON'T WAN THE DARKNESS TO GET ME.
I'M SCARED OF THE DARK.
I'M SCARED--HUH? WHO TURNED ON THE LIGHTS? OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I DID.
WHERE DID THE DARKNESS GO? OH, RAN DOWN THE STAIRS, HUH? I SEE YOU HIDING DOWN THERE.
I GUESS I SHOWED YOU WHO'S BOSS.
NO STUPID OLD DARKNESS IS GOING TO SCARE ME.
YEAH, YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A BIG CHICKEN.
OOH! OOH.
WHOA! CHECK OU THIS PLACE.
VERY IMPRESSIVE.
SO WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE? OH, YOU'RE A WRITER.
BURNING THE MIDNIGHT OIL, HUH? NO PROBLEM.
I'LL KEEP YOU COMPANY.
HA HA HA! AHH, A COOL BREEZE.
NICE.
I WAS BORN TO DANCE.
GET DOWN.
WHOA! IT'S A TORNADO! BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES! HOIS THE MIZZENMAST! SHUT THE WINDOW! SHUT IT ALREADY! WHEW! WHOA! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! WE'RE GOING DOWN! HUH? UH-OH! HEY, YOU GUYS, ARE YOU CRAZY? KNOCK IT OFF! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, HONEST.
IT WAS MY EVIL COUSINS WHO DID IT.
BUT NEXT TIME, BE MORE CAREFUL, WILL YOU? MY RELATIVES CAN'T BE TRUSTED.
AHH! O.
K.
LET'S GET BACK TO WORK HERE.
YOU KEEP ON WRITING, AND I'LL KEEP THE DARKNESS AWAY.
[CLOCK CHIMES 1:00.]
[CLOCK CHIMES 8:00.]
[YAWNS.]
AHH! FINISHED.
AT LAST.
I KNEW HE COULD DO IT.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.
"WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT, "THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL "AND THAT THEY ARE ENDOWED "BY THEIR CREATOR "WITH CERTAIN INALIENABLE RIGHTS "THAT AMONG THESE ARE LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUI OF HAPPINESS.
" NOT BAD, JEFFERSON.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CALL THIS? THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
DRAFTED JULY 4, 1776.
GLAD I COULD SHED SOME LIGH ON THE SITUATION.
GOOD LUCK WITH THA INDEPENDENCE THING.
[YAWNS.]
AS FOR ME, I'M GOING TO TAKE THE RES OF THE DAY OFF.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME.
WE COULD CALL I A NATIONAL HOLIDAY.
I GUESS THEY TOOK MY ADVICE.
WELL, CLASS, ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR LESSONS? YES, MISS FLAMEEL.
VERY WELL, THEN, LET'S BEGIN.
TODAY'S CATEGORIES ARE PLEASE REMEMBER, YOUR RESPONSES MUST BE IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION.
YAKKO, YOU'RE REIGNING CHAMPION.
PLEASE SELECT.
I'LL TAKE TV MOVIES FOR 100.
[MISS FLAMEEL.]
WAKKO.
WHO IS VALERIE BERTINELLI? THAT IS CORRECT.
SELECT AGAIN.
O.
K.
I'LL TAKE THE UNITED STATES FOR 500.
WAKKO, YOU CAN WAGER ALL OR PART OF YOUR MONEY.
I'LL BLOW THE WAD.
"IN THE CATEGORY OF UNITED STATES, THE ANSWER IS" O.
K.
HERE GOES.
BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA AND COLUMBUS IS THE CAPITAL OF OHIO THERE'S MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA SOUTH OF HELENA, MONTANA THEN THERE'S DENVER, COLORADO AND BOISE, IDAHO TEXAS HAS AUSTIN, THEN WE GO NORTH TO MASSACHUSETTS, BOSTON AND ALBANY, NEW YORK TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA, AND WASHINGTON, D.
C.
SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO, AND NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE ELVIS USED TO HANG OU THERE A LOT, YOU KNOW.
TRENTON'S IN NEW JERSEY NORTH OF JEFFERSON, MISSOURI YOU GOT RICHMOND IN VIRGINIA SOUTH DAKOTA HAS PIERRE HARRISBURG'S IN PENNSYLVANIA AND AUGUSTA'S UP IN MAINE AND HERE IS PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND NEXT TO DOVER, DELAWARE CONCORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE, JUST A QUICK JAUNT TO MONTPELIER, WHICH IS UP IN VERMONT HARTFORD'S IN CONNECTICUT, SO PRETTY IN THE FALL AND KANSAS HAS TOPEKA, MINNESOTA HAS ST.
PAUL JUNEAU'S IN ALASKA AND THERE'S LINCOLN IN NEBRASKA AND IT'S RALEIGH OU IN NORTH CAROLINA AND THEN THERE'S MADISON, WISCONSIN AND OLYMPIA IN WASHINGTON PHOENIX, ARIZONA AND LANSING, MICHIGAN HERE'S HONOLULU HAWAII'S A JOY JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI AND SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS SOUTH CAROLINA WITH COLUMBIA DOWN THE WAY AND ANNAPOLIS IN MARYLAND ON CHESAPEAKE BAY THEY HAVE WONDERFUL CLAM CHOWDER.
CHEYENNE IS IN WYOMING AND PERHAPS YOU MAKE YOUR HOME IN SALT LAKE CITY OUT IN UTAH WHERE THE BUFFALO ROAM ATLANTA'S DOWN IN GEORGIA AND THERE'S BISMARCK, NORTH DAKOTA AND YOU CAN LIVE IN FRANKFORT IN YOUR OLD KENTUCKY HOME SALEM IN OREGON FROM THERE WE JOIN LITTLE ROCK IN ARKANSAS IOWA'S GOT DES MOINES SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA OKLAHOMA AND ITS CITY CHARLESTON, WEST VIRGINIA, AND NEVADA, CARSON CITY THAT'S ALL THE CAPITALS THERE ARE [BUZZER.]
HUH? OH, I'M SO SORRY.
YOU FAILED TO PUT YOUR RESPONSE IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION.
ORPHANED IN A SWAMP IN MISSISSIPPI RAISED BY A CAJUN COUPLE IN A TEPEE THE BIGGEST PAPOOSE THAT YOU EVER DID SEE HE WAS FULL-GROWN WHEN HE WAS ONLY 3 DAVY, DAVY OMELETTE MIGHTY LARGE FRONTIERSMAN OOH-WHEE, DAVY, WAGON TRAIN ATTACK.
UH, BEGGIN' YOUR PARDON, MA'AM, BUT WHAT HAPPENED? A GRIZZLY BEAR DONE AMBUSHED US.
WELL, MA'AM, STOP ROCKIN' YOURSELF SILLY.
YOUR TROUBLES ARE OVER.
YOU SEE, THIS HERE'S DAVY, DAVY OMELETTE, MIGHTY LARGE FRONTIERSMAN.
THAT'S A PECULIAR NAME.
IT'S CAJUN, NAMED AFTER A FRENCH EGG DISH.
I KNOW WHA AN OMELETTE IS! I'M TALKING ABOUT DAVY.
THAT'S SHOR FOR DAVIDSON.
Y'ALL CAN COME ON OUT! DAVY OMELETTE'S HERE! DAVY OMELETTE? HE WRASTLED A 6-TON BULL MOOSE TO HIS KNEES AND HUNG LONG JOHNS TO DRY ON ITS ANTLERS.
HE ROPED A RABID COYOTE WITH A BOLT OF LIGHTNING, TAMED HIM, AND TAUGHT HIM TO EAT GRASS.
DAVY OMELETTE? I HEARD TELL HE'S A CHICKEN.
THEM'S LIES YOU'RE TELLING, BOY.
BETTER STOP SPREADING TALL TALES.
GO BACK EAST! HE'S A CHICKEN, I TELL YA! A GIANT CHICKEN! [GRRR.]
[GRRR.]
[GRRR.]
AAH! [WHIMPERING.]
HOO! DID YOU SEE THAT? DAVY OMELETTE GRINNED DOWN A BEAR.
YAHOO! YIPPEE! YEE-HAW! YEE-HAW! WOO HAH! HA-HUH-HA! DID YOU HEAR THAT? SOMEBODY JUST LAUGHED LIKE A CHICKEN.
WELL, I'LL BE A SWAY-BACKED MARSUPIAL.
HE IS A CHICKEN.
I TOLD YOU HE'S A CHICKEN.
HEY, BEAR, COME ON BACK FOR SUPPER! WE'RE HAVING PIONEER CHICKEN! [GRRR.]
[BUCK.]
[GRRR.]
[BUCK-BUCK.]
YOU WEAR A DISGUISE TO LOOK LIKE HUMAN GUYS BUT YOU'RE NOT A MAN YOU'RE A CHICKEN BOO NOVEMBER, 1863, AND THE UNION HAS BEEN RIPPED ASUNDER BY TWO YEARS OF CIVIL WAR.
AS THE COUNTRY SEEKS TO HEAL ITS WOUNDS, A TRAIN CARRYING ABRAHAM LINCOLN WINDS ITS WAY NORTH TO THE BATTLEFIELD AT GETTYSBURG.
ONCE THERE, THE PRESIDENT MUST MAKE THE MOST IMPORTAN SPEECH OF HIS CAREER.
IF I CAN JUS COME UP WITH AN OPENING ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU NOPE.
WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF.
NAH! ICH BIN EIN GETTYSBURGER.
NO.
PEOPLE OF GETTYSBURG, HI, I'M PRESIDENT LINCOLN.
SO HOW ABOU THOSE YANKEES, HUH? OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
OH, I GIVE UP.
I CAN'T EVEN WRITE A SIMPLE SPEECH.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
YES, WHAT IS IT? WHOA! LINCOLN, LINCOLN, WE'VE BEEN THINKIN' WOULD YOU, COULD YOU THINK OF INKIN'? WE REQUES ON OUR BEHALF THAT YOU GIVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH WHO ARE YOU? WE'RE THE WARNER BROS.
AND THE WARNER SISTER.
I'M THE CUTE ONE.
IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN DO FOR YOU? ABE--MIND ME CALLING YOU ABE? NO.
TIMMY? YES.
HOW ABOUT DIANE? ABE WILL DO.
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT? SIGN OUR PEOPLE WITH BEARDS AUTOGRAPH BOOK.
I SUPPOSE THERE'D BE NO HARM IN THAT.
NOW, WHERE SHOULD I SIGN? RIGHT NEX TO ATTILA THE HUN FOR CONTRAST.
THERE.
GEE, THANKS.
MR.
LINCOLN.
MY PLEASURE.
NOW, RUN ALONG, KIDS.
I HAVE WORK TO DO.
YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILROAD? WHOA! HE'S BEEN WORKIN' ON THE RAILROAD ALL THE LIVELONG DAY HE'S BEEN WORKIN' ON THE RAILROAD JUST TO PASS THE TIME AWAY HONESTLY, I NEED TO BE LEFT ALONE.
I HAVE TO COME UP WITH MY ADDRESS.
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE.
NOT MY STREET ADDRESS.
MY ADDRESS-- MY SPEECH I'M SUPPOSED TO GIVE AT GETTYSBURG.
I CAN'T SEEM TO WRITE IT.
WHY SO TENSE? BETTER CUT DOWN ON CAFFEINE.
AND RELAX.
WE'LL HELP YOU WRITE THE SPEECH.
IF I COULD JUST COME UP WITH A GREAT OPENING.
NO PROB.
WE KNOW SOME GRAND OPENINGS.
FRIENDS, ROMANS, GETTYSBURGERS LEND ME YOUR EARS.
NAH.
YOU'RE ENTERING ANOTHER DIMENSION A DIMENSION OF SIGH AND OF SOUND.
THAT SIGN POST UP AHEAD-- GETTYSBURG.
I DON'T THINK SO.
THEN HOW ABOUT THIS OPENING? I'M LANKY AND FRANKLY THIS WAR HAS GOT ME CRANKY I'M PROUD TO BE A YANKEE HOW YA' DOIN', GETTYSBURG? I'M AFRAID NOT.
IT'S NO USE.
AHH! I GIVE UP.
LIGHTEN UP.
WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THA FROM A MAN WHO CHOPPED DOWN A CHERRY TREE NEVER TOLD A LIE AND THREW A DOLLAR ACROSS THE RIVER? THAT'S GEORGE WASHINGTON, A GREAT PRESIDENT.
I'M AFRAID I'LL BE KNOWN FOR NOTHING.
NONSENSE.
JUS STICK WITH US, PAL.
ONE DAY THEY'LL NAME A TUNNEL AFTER YOU PUT YOUR FACE ON A PENNY.
TAKE 40% OFF MATTRESSES ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.
AS LONG AS THEY DON'T NAME A SAVINGS AND LOAN AFTER ME.
YOU CAN'T GIVE UP WITHOUT A FIGHT.
WE'RE COUNTING ON YOU.
THIS SPEECH IS IMPORTANT.
YOU HAVE TO HEAL THIS COUNTRY AND BRING IT TOGETHER BECAUSE-- YOU MIGHT WAN TO TAKE NOTES.
I'M ON A ROLL.
BECAUSE FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO-- THAT'S 87 YEARS AGO FOR THOSE KEEPING SCORE-- OUR FATHERS BROUGHT FORTH ON THIS CONTINEN A NEW NATION CONCEIVED IN LIBERTY AND DEDICATED TO THE PROPOSITION THAT ALL PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE A BALANCED DIET, INCLUDING DING-DONGS, HO-HOS-- HO-HOS? FEEL FREE TO CHANGE ANY OF THIS.
FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO, OUR FATHERS BROUGHT FORTH ON THIS CONTINEN A NEW NATION CONCEIVED IN LIBERTY AND DEDICATED TO THE PROPOSITION THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.
NICE REWRITE.
WE RESOLVE THA THIS NATION, UNDER GOD, SHALL HAVE A NEW BIRTH OF FREEDOM AND THAT GOVERNMEN OF THE PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE SHALL NOT PERISH FROM THE EARTH.
CIAO, AMERICA!
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION AND FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY [YAWNS.]
IS IT HOT IN HERE? I DEFINITELY FEEL WARM.
OH, MY GOSH, THERE'S A FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! AAH! I'M ON FIRE! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT! WAIT A MINUTE.
I AM A FIRE.
IMAGINE MY EMBARRASSMENT.
I WISH SOMEONE WOULD TELL ME THESE THINGS.
I'M ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW.
HEY, WHOA THERE, FELLA.
PUT ME DOWN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? OH, TAKING ME ON A LITTLE TOUR OF THE PLACE? I CAN DEAL WITH THAT.
NICE PAD YOU HAVE HERE.
HEY, NOT SO FAST, PAL.
I'LL FALL OFF THIS THING.
SLOW DOWN.
SLOW DOWN! AAH! THAT'S BETTER.
NOW WHERE ARE WE GOING? UP THERE? ARE YOU CRAZY? IT'S DARK UP THERE.
COUNT ME OUT.
I'M SCARED OF THE DARK.
IF YOU'RE GOING UP THERE, GO ALONE.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT TO GO.
TURN AROUND, WILL YOU? GO BACK DOWN.
I DON'T WAN THE DARKNESS TO GET ME.
I'M SCARED OF THE DARK.
I'M SCARED--HUH? WHO TURNED ON THE LIGHTS? OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I DID.
WHERE DID THE DARKNESS GO? OH, RAN DOWN THE STAIRS, HUH? I SEE YOU HIDING DOWN THERE.
I GUESS I SHOWED YOU WHO'S BOSS.
NO STUPID OLD DARKNESS IS GOING TO SCARE ME.
YEAH, YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A BIG CHICKEN.
OOH! OOH.
WHOA! CHECK OU THIS PLACE.
VERY IMPRESSIVE.
SO WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE? OH, YOU'RE A WRITER.
BURNING THE MIDNIGHT OIL, HUH? NO PROBLEM.
I'LL KEEP YOU COMPANY.
HA HA HA! AHH, A COOL BREEZE.
NICE.
I WAS BORN TO DANCE.
GET DOWN.
WHOA! IT'S A TORNADO! BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES! HOIS THE MIZZENMAST! SHUT THE WINDOW! SHUT IT ALREADY! WHEW! WHOA! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! WE'RE GOING DOWN! HUH? UH-OH! HEY, YOU GUYS, ARE YOU CRAZY? KNOCK IT OFF! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, HONEST.
IT WAS MY EVIL COUSINS WHO DID IT.
BUT NEXT TIME, BE MORE CAREFUL, WILL YOU? MY RELATIVES CAN'T BE TRUSTED.
AHH! O.
K.
LET'S GET BACK TO WORK HERE.
YOU KEEP ON WRITING, AND I'LL KEEP THE DARKNESS AWAY.
[CLOCK CHIMES 1:00.]
[CLOCK CHIMES 8:00.]
[YAWNS.]
AHH! FINISHED.
AT LAST.
I KNEW HE COULD DO IT.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.
"WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT, "THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL "AND THAT THEY ARE ENDOWED "BY THEIR CREATOR "WITH CERTAIN INALIENABLE RIGHTS "THAT AMONG THESE ARE LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUI OF HAPPINESS.
" NOT BAD, JEFFERSON.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CALL THIS? THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
DRAFTED JULY 4, 1776.
GLAD I COULD SHED SOME LIGH ON THE SITUATION.
GOOD LUCK WITH THA INDEPENDENCE THING.
[YAWNS.]
AS FOR ME, I'M GOING TO TAKE THE RES OF THE DAY OFF.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME.
WE COULD CALL I A NATIONAL HOLIDAY.
I GUESS THEY TOOK MY ADVICE.
WELL, CLASS, ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR LESSONS? YES, MISS FLAMEEL.
VERY WELL, THEN, LET'S BEGIN.
TODAY'S CATEGORIES ARE PLEASE REMEMBER, YOUR RESPONSES MUST BE IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION.
YAKKO, YOU'RE REIGNING CHAMPION.
PLEASE SELECT.
I'LL TAKE TV MOVIES FOR 100.
[MISS FLAMEEL.]
WAKKO.
WHO IS VALERIE BERTINELLI? THAT IS CORRECT.
SELECT AGAIN.
O.
K.
I'LL TAKE THE UNITED STATES FOR 500.
WAKKO, YOU CAN WAGER ALL OR PART OF YOUR MONEY.
I'LL BLOW THE WAD.
"IN THE CATEGORY OF UNITED STATES, THE ANSWER IS" O.
K.
HERE GOES.
BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA AND COLUMBUS IS THE CAPITAL OF OHIO THERE'S MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA SOUTH OF HELENA, MONTANA THEN THERE'S DENVER, COLORADO AND BOISE, IDAHO TEXAS HAS AUSTIN, THEN WE GO NORTH TO MASSACHUSETTS, BOSTON AND ALBANY, NEW YORK TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA, AND WASHINGTON, D.
C.
SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO, AND NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE ELVIS USED TO HANG OU THERE A LOT, YOU KNOW.
TRENTON'S IN NEW JERSEY NORTH OF JEFFERSON, MISSOURI YOU GOT RICHMOND IN VIRGINIA SOUTH DAKOTA HAS PIERRE HARRISBURG'S IN PENNSYLVANIA AND AUGUSTA'S UP IN MAINE AND HERE IS PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND NEXT TO DOVER, DELAWARE CONCORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE, JUST A QUICK JAUNT TO MONTPELIER, WHICH IS UP IN VERMONT HARTFORD'S IN CONNECTICUT, SO PRETTY IN THE FALL AND KANSAS HAS TOPEKA, MINNESOTA HAS ST.
PAUL JUNEAU'S IN ALASKA AND THERE'S LINCOLN IN NEBRASKA AND IT'S RALEIGH OU IN NORTH CAROLINA AND THEN THERE'S MADISON, WISCONSIN AND OLYMPIA IN WASHINGTON PHOENIX, ARIZONA AND LANSING, MICHIGAN HERE'S HONOLULU HAWAII'S A JOY JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI AND SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS SOUTH CAROLINA WITH COLUMBIA DOWN THE WAY AND ANNAPOLIS IN MARYLAND ON CHESAPEAKE BAY THEY HAVE WONDERFUL CLAM CHOWDER.
CHEYENNE IS IN WYOMING AND PERHAPS YOU MAKE YOUR HOME IN SALT LAKE CITY OUT IN UTAH WHERE THE BUFFALO ROAM ATLANTA'S DOWN IN GEORGIA AND THERE'S BISMARCK, NORTH DAKOTA AND YOU CAN LIVE IN FRANKFORT IN YOUR OLD KENTUCKY HOME SALEM IN OREGON FROM THERE WE JOIN LITTLE ROCK IN ARKANSAS IOWA'S GOT DES MOINES SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA OKLAHOMA AND ITS CITY CHARLESTON, WEST VIRGINIA, AND NEVADA, CARSON CITY THAT'S ALL THE CAPITALS THERE ARE [BUZZER.]
HUH? OH, I'M SO SORRY.
YOU FAILED TO PUT YOUR RESPONSE IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION.
ORPHANED IN A SWAMP IN MISSISSIPPI RAISED BY A CAJUN COUPLE IN A TEPEE THE BIGGEST PAPOOSE THAT YOU EVER DID SEE HE WAS FULL-GROWN WHEN HE WAS ONLY 3 DAVY, DAVY OMELETTE MIGHTY LARGE FRONTIERSMAN OOH-WHEE, DAVY, WAGON TRAIN ATTACK.
UH, BEGGIN' YOUR PARDON, MA'AM, BUT WHAT HAPPENED? A GRIZZLY BEAR DONE AMBUSHED US.
WELL, MA'AM, STOP ROCKIN' YOURSELF SILLY.
YOUR TROUBLES ARE OVER.
YOU SEE, THIS HERE'S DAVY, DAVY OMELETTE, MIGHTY LARGE FRONTIERSMAN.
THAT'S A PECULIAR NAME.
IT'S CAJUN, NAMED AFTER A FRENCH EGG DISH.
I KNOW WHA AN OMELETTE IS! I'M TALKING ABOUT DAVY.
THAT'S SHOR FOR DAVIDSON.
Y'ALL CAN COME ON OUT! DAVY OMELETTE'S HERE! DAVY OMELETTE? HE WRASTLED A 6-TON BULL MOOSE TO HIS KNEES AND HUNG LONG JOHNS TO DRY ON ITS ANTLERS.
HE ROPED A RABID COYOTE WITH A BOLT OF LIGHTNING, TAMED HIM, AND TAUGHT HIM TO EAT GRASS.
DAVY OMELETTE? I HEARD TELL HE'S A CHICKEN.
THEM'S LIES YOU'RE TELLING, BOY.
BETTER STOP SPREADING TALL TALES.
GO BACK EAST! HE'S A CHICKEN, I TELL YA! A GIANT CHICKEN! [GRRR.]
[GRRR.]
[GRRR.]
AAH! [WHIMPERING.]
HOO! DID YOU SEE THAT? DAVY OMELETTE GRINNED DOWN A BEAR.
YAHOO! YIPPEE! YEE-HAW! YEE-HAW! WOO HAH! HA-HUH-HA! DID YOU HEAR THAT? SOMEBODY JUST LAUGHED LIKE A CHICKEN.
WELL, I'LL BE A SWAY-BACKED MARSUPIAL.
HE IS A CHICKEN.
I TOLD YOU HE'S A CHICKEN.
HEY, BEAR, COME ON BACK FOR SUPPER! WE'RE HAVING PIONEER CHICKEN! [GRRR.]
[BUCK.]
[GRRR.]
[BUCK-BUCK.]
YOU WEAR A DISGUISE TO LOOK LIKE HUMAN GUYS BUT YOU'RE NOT A MAN YOU'RE A CHICKEN BOO NOVEMBER, 1863, AND THE UNION HAS BEEN RIPPED ASUNDER BY TWO YEARS OF CIVIL WAR.
AS THE COUNTRY SEEKS TO HEAL ITS WOUNDS, A TRAIN CARRYING ABRAHAM LINCOLN WINDS ITS WAY NORTH TO THE BATTLEFIELD AT GETTYSBURG.
ONCE THERE, THE PRESIDENT MUST MAKE THE MOST IMPORTAN SPEECH OF HIS CAREER.
IF I CAN JUS COME UP WITH AN OPENING ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU NOPE.
WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF.
NAH! ICH BIN EIN GETTYSBURGER.
NO.
PEOPLE OF GETTYSBURG, HI, I'M PRESIDENT LINCOLN.
SO HOW ABOU THOSE YANKEES, HUH? OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
OH, I GIVE UP.
I CAN'T EVEN WRITE A SIMPLE SPEECH.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
YES, WHAT IS IT? WHOA! LINCOLN, LINCOLN, WE'VE BEEN THINKIN' WOULD YOU, COULD YOU THINK OF INKIN'? WE REQUES ON OUR BEHALF THAT YOU GIVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH WHO ARE YOU? WE'RE THE WARNER BROS.
AND THE WARNER SISTER.
I'M THE CUTE ONE.
IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN DO FOR YOU? ABE--MIND ME CALLING YOU ABE? NO.
TIMMY? YES.
HOW ABOUT DIANE? ABE WILL DO.
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT? SIGN OUR PEOPLE WITH BEARDS AUTOGRAPH BOOK.
I SUPPOSE THERE'D BE NO HARM IN THAT.
NOW, WHERE SHOULD I SIGN? RIGHT NEX TO ATTILA THE HUN FOR CONTRAST.
THERE.
GEE, THANKS.
MR.
LINCOLN.
MY PLEASURE.
NOW, RUN ALONG, KIDS.
I HAVE WORK TO DO.
YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILROAD? WHOA! HE'S BEEN WORKIN' ON THE RAILROAD ALL THE LIVELONG DAY HE'S BEEN WORKIN' ON THE RAILROAD JUST TO PASS THE TIME AWAY HONESTLY, I NEED TO BE LEFT ALONE.
I HAVE TO COME UP WITH MY ADDRESS.
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE.
NOT MY STREET ADDRESS.
MY ADDRESS-- MY SPEECH I'M SUPPOSED TO GIVE AT GETTYSBURG.
I CAN'T SEEM TO WRITE IT.
WHY SO TENSE? BETTER CUT DOWN ON CAFFEINE.
AND RELAX.
WE'LL HELP YOU WRITE THE SPEECH.
IF I COULD JUST COME UP WITH A GREAT OPENING.
NO PROB.
WE KNOW SOME GRAND OPENINGS.
FRIENDS, ROMANS, GETTYSBURGERS LEND ME YOUR EARS.
NAH.
YOU'RE ENTERING ANOTHER DIMENSION A DIMENSION OF SIGH AND OF SOUND.
THAT SIGN POST UP AHEAD-- GETTYSBURG.
I DON'T THINK SO.
THEN HOW ABOUT THIS OPENING? I'M LANKY AND FRANKLY THIS WAR HAS GOT ME CRANKY I'M PROUD TO BE A YANKEE HOW YA' DOIN', GETTYSBURG? I'M AFRAID NOT.
IT'S NO USE.
AHH! I GIVE UP.
LIGHTEN UP.
WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THA FROM A MAN WHO CHOPPED DOWN A CHERRY TREE NEVER TOLD A LIE AND THREW A DOLLAR ACROSS THE RIVER? THAT'S GEORGE WASHINGTON, A GREAT PRESIDENT.
I'M AFRAID I'LL BE KNOWN FOR NOTHING.
NONSENSE.
JUS STICK WITH US, PAL.
ONE DAY THEY'LL NAME A TUNNEL AFTER YOU PUT YOUR FACE ON A PENNY.
TAKE 40% OFF MATTRESSES ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.
AS LONG AS THEY DON'T NAME A SAVINGS AND LOAN AFTER ME.
YOU CAN'T GIVE UP WITHOUT A FIGHT.
WE'RE COUNTING ON YOU.
THIS SPEECH IS IMPORTANT.
YOU HAVE TO HEAL THIS COUNTRY AND BRING IT TOGETHER BECAUSE-- YOU MIGHT WAN TO TAKE NOTES.
I'M ON A ROLL.
BECAUSE FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO-- THAT'S 87 YEARS AGO FOR THOSE KEEPING SCORE-- OUR FATHERS BROUGHT FORTH ON THIS CONTINEN A NEW NATION CONCEIVED IN LIBERTY AND DEDICATED TO THE PROPOSITION THAT ALL PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE A BALANCED DIET, INCLUDING DING-DONGS, HO-HOS-- HO-HOS? FEEL FREE TO CHANGE ANY OF THIS.
FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO, OUR FATHERS BROUGHT FORTH ON THIS CONTINEN A NEW NATION CONCEIVED IN LIBERTY AND DEDICATED TO THE PROPOSITION THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.
NICE REWRITE.
WE RESOLVE THA THIS NATION, UNDER GOD, SHALL HAVE A NEW BIRTH OF FREEDOM AND THAT GOVERNMEN OF THE PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE SHALL NOT PERISH FROM THE EARTH.
CIAO, AMERICA!