Derek s02e00 Episode Script
Special
1 Piano.
I write songs on the piano, don't I? Yeah, they're awful.
What? They're awful.
I writes about the home, things that happens in the home, and I put We don't want to hear about the home in song form.
It's depressing enough living it, let alone hearing a song about it.
Shush.
Listen.
That's how it starts.
# Everybody here loves Having pudding # We has it every day at six o'clock # Sometimes it is jelly What is cold and Sometimes it is crumble What is hot.
Got another one.
What, that was it? Yeah.
Absolutely dreadful.
# We all likes puppies We all likes puppies # We all likes puppies Dogs and that # We all likes kittens We all likes kittens # We all likes kittens And older cats # We all likes rabbits We all likes hamsters # We likes all guinea pigs And things # We likes all budgies We likes canaries, # We likes all creatures With fur and wings # Everybody here loves Having pudding # We has it every day At six o'clock # Sometimes it is jelly What is cold and Sometimes it is crumble What is hot.
That was brilliant.
Yes.
That is so sweet.
Shush Hey, you, shush, shush, shush.
Oh.
Your turn.
Hello.
Hello OK? Good.
Stopped crying.
See? 'I'm not great with babies.
'I think they can tell.
' It's not that I don't like them, it's just that I don't think I've got a natural maternal instinct, you know? They don't make me go all gooey.
Hello! 'Cos I think it's because they don't do anything.
'You can't talk to them, really and they're completely helpless.
' And they constantly shit themselves.
Knowing Kev has been a good training for that.
It's Arthur's grand-daughter's baby.
Yeah, it's not mine.
That's mine.
Can I hold it? No! No.
Charming.
It's good, innit? You want to hold him, Derek? No.
I do, but I'm clumsy.
I better not.
'I likes babies.
But they're fragile, ain't they?' And if I drops a vase or something or sits in some apple crumble and custard, I goes, "Whoops, sorry," and people goes, "Oh, don't worry about it, Derek.
Accident".
But if I drops a baby, or sits on it, whoops, sorry, isn't enough, is it? So, I sort of, I play it safe.
I would like to hold it though.
Look at that 'It's funny.
He's smiling and he's laughing.
What's he laughing at? Why is he happy? 'What does '.
.
what does he know that makes him happy? 'Know what I mean? What's he thinking? He doesn't know anything, get jokes.
Why does he laugh?' He's flying.
Like Superman.
Hey? Could Superman fly when he was a baby? Going to try and squeeze a quick wedding in before he comes along.
Yeah.
I'm going to give her away, cos her dad's dead.
Hmm.
Tom proposed.
Yeah, I did that when the cameras weren't around.
Yeah, well, I wouldn't have said yes on camera.
I wouldn't have asked you on camera.
Really? Yes, you just said you wouldn't say yes on camera.
What? You wouldn't risk it? It's like we're already married.
Back to work.
See you later.
It's not the best job in the world, but It's not great.
But it pays money and you need money for things that are great.
Like a kid.
And you know what? It's good company.
Ah, for fuck's sake! Fucking bag's split! Have you seen it? Fuck, fucking BLEEP .
.
and chuck it in your fucking windows! Des might have anger issues.
But you know, conversation's always interesting.
So if you could kill any three celebrities, and just get away with it, which ones would you kill? But there's no money.
Really? Yeah, I think so.
But I thought Oh, the vicar's here.
Am I dead? No.
He's come to talk about the wedding.
Hello.
Hello How are you? I'm fine, thank you.
Hi, this is Tom.
Tom? Richard.
Nice to see you.
Do you want to have a seat? Yes.
Thank you.
So So, I haven't seen you in church much.
I haven't seen you on the bins much.
That was a joke, I'm sorry.
I'm normally really busy here, so it She's helping the meek.
Devil makes work for idle hands.
I certainly make work for idle hands.
Also, um, Sundays are quite mental.
Yeah.
Roast dinner and bingo.
But we always have Songs Of Praise on, though.
Yeah, yeah.
God rested on Sunday, didn't he? Hannah don't.
She works seven days a week.
Helping people, innit? Good.
So, you're both Christian, though.
What do you mean by Christian? What do you mean by both? What? What? Yeah.
Yes, what? What? Are you Christian? Well, I was brought up a Christian.
Oh, good, that means you're Christian.
Well, I don't want to lie, so it's probably fair to say that I don't go along with all the mumbo jumbo side of it, but I do try and live a good life, and I am forgiving.
I'm Jewish.
Jewish.
Yeah.
Again, I was raised Jewish, but I don't believe in a Jewish God.
I mean, it's the same God OK.
Er, I don't believe in any God.
Um, well, that So, neither of you really believe in God, and, er, you're Jewish Mm-hm.
So, have you not got a foreskin? No.
Wow.
Do you know, I heard, because it's had a lifetime of being an exposed helmet, rubbing against the trousers and that, it's less sensitive, so you can last longer without shooting your load.
Pttt! Also, no risk of breaking the old banjo string, if it gets a little bit rough.
Doing anal, for example.
Innit, Pam? Um, I think, um, a registry office might be a better idea.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Good luck with the wedding.
Thank you.
Very nice to meet you all.
Thanks for coming.
Not at all.
Pleased to meet you.
Good luck.
Nice to meet you.
Bye.
Look at you.
Cheerio, then.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
He was nice, weren't he? Yeah.
We'll go for the registry office Banjo string? Yeah.
'Vicky's going to cover me on my maternity leave.
'She's just been amazing.
She's flown through all her NVQ's.
'She's on to her level five diploma now, which, you know, you need for management, so, 'couldn't be prouder of her, she's incredible.
'I'm leaving the home in very safe hands.
' 'Yeah, I love getting qualifications now.
'I'm sort of kicking myself that I didn't concentrate in school 'and do my exams properly, cos' to be honest, I just didn't think I could do anything then.
I didn't think I could pass anything.
Derek, this is Cath.
Hi.
This is Annie 'This is different, it's ongoing assessment, so people come in, watch me, 'give me homework' I think that's easier than revising for months and months and then everything coming down to, like, one test.
'I did think, like, Derek might want to be temporary manager, ' but he's not interested.
He says he loves his life exactly how it is now.
Doesn't want to change anything.
I'm starting to feel the same, to be honest.
I think ladies makes better managers than men, cos they're, sort of better with money.
I don't mean they're better at making lots of money, I mean, they makes every penny count.
And they don't show off and shout at people, like men do.
Well, Hannah has head-butted a lady once.
And she beat up some people with a rolling pin.
She's better with money than me.
Probably better at fighting.
Except wrestling.
I'll miss Hannah when she's on maternity leave.
We all will.
But Vicky's brilliant, and everyone's brilliant, everyone helps, and you know, I likes everyone here.
I even likes Geoff now.
He's interesting.
And he answers my questions.
Other people sometimes go, "Oh, Derek.
Stop asking questions.
" It's always what would win, what would win? No-one knows.
'Geoff knows.
' What's that, a butterfly? It's a giant moth, mate.
What would win out of a moth and a butterfly? Well, it depends, don't it? If it was daytime, probably be a butterfly, cos the moth's all drowsy.
Cos he's been up all night? Yeah.
Yeah.
Why do moths bump into lamps? Cos the like the light, don't they? Why do they come out at night then? That's a good point actually, Derek.
They don't think it's a lamp that they're heading to.
What do they think it is? They think it's the moon.
Ah Why'd they want to go to the moon? Cos they're idiots, mate.
Butterflies are the gayest insect.
Are they? Yeah.
Good drawing.
Thanks, mate.
I only draws one thing.
Yeah? Want to see it? Show us.
I'm not very good, but I draws a cat.
Like that.
That's his ears.
His eyes, like that.
There's his body, there's his tail, there's his feet.
It's not very good.
Not as good as yours.
Good start.
See you later.
Yeah, see you later, mate.
Bit early, innit? The early bird catches the worm, babe.
What if what if the worm's having a lie-in? What? What if the early bird gets up and goes, "I going to catch the worm," and he gets there, but that day, the worm's overslept, and the early bird goes, "I'm not waiting round here all day.
"I'm going somewhere else".
Right? And he goes off.
And then the late bird goes, "Aw, what time is it?" And he gets up, and he he goes, "I've probably missed all the worms," just as the worm is getting up.
And he goes, "Brilliant, a worm.
" And that day, the LATE bird catches the worm.
Hello? Is anyone listening? It's despicable in here sometimes, innit? Tracey's coming in, later.
You know, the lady what I had the date with, off the website.
She likes burping, like me.
We're going on another date.
I've had loads of dates with her, but this is the first time she's going to sleep over.
Never mind sleep over, mate.
What about leg over? Kev's going to sleep somewhere else tonight, so we've got the caravan to ourselves.
Innit, Kev? Yeah, I don't mind being homeless for a mate to get some ass.
You can kip with me, as long as you don't snore.
Cheers, love.
Sorted.
'What can I do? They're adults.
' I mean, I can't say to her, "Oh, no, you can't share your bed with a homeless drunk.
" She asked HIM! I mean, how mental is that? She asked Kev to share her bed.
Madness.
Derek, Derek.
What? There you go.
Have that.
What is it? Rubber johnny.
Ribbed.
I'm not going to need it tonight.
Am I? Definitely not.
Definitely won't need it because you can't get pregnant and you've got no diseases? Or definitely won't need it because there'll be no rutting? No rutting.
Just making sure.
Definitely.
Anyway, mate, give her one for me, please.
Oooomm! Cheers.
What about that polo shirt I got you for Christmas? I've got some aftershave from my ex I could give you.
Make you smell nice.
Excellent.
They're, um, um, giving me suggestions how to look nice and impress Tracey, when she comes.
She's already impressed, isn't she, Derek? Yes.
There's no harm in making an effort, make a girl feel not taken for granted.
Yeah, definitely.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Do all the hard work now, snare a decent bird while you still can and then you can relax and let yourself go.
That's what I intend to do.
Sorry, what? You intend to let yourself go, when you've snagged a decent bird? That's what I just said, baby.
Unbelievable.
Last chance for you to get on board the Kev Twine love train.
We've done this.
Now I know you're pregnant and normally that is a complete turn off, but I'm willing to make an exception.
But it's got to be now or never, babe.
Never.
Not intercourse.
Just a good old-fashioned five-knuckle shuffle.
No.
Oh, come off it.
This makes me laugh.
Huh? You won't toss me off, but you're willing to stick your hand in bloody bloke's bogs and urinals? It's mental.
One, I wear rubber gloves Well, wear rubber gloves then! Huh? You could be scrubbing shit off the toilet with one hand and wanking me off with the other.
It's no skin off your nose.
What's the fucking problem? That's coming off a treat, that one.
Yeah, lovely stuff.
Nice clean pan.
Now what's going on over here? Ooohh! Here he comes.
Here he comes! Boom, boom, boom, splat! Ah 'We all needs a mate' Hiya! '.
.
it's natural.
' And it might take you a while to find the right one, but you will.
And you might lose 'em, but it was good that you found them in the first place.
Everyone here has had a mate and lost 'em, but life's only interesting if you shares it.
Joan used to say, "If you want to go fast, go alone.
"If you want to go far, go together.
" Right.
We're going on our date now.
Have a lovely time.
Have a good night.
Bye-bye, have fun.
Be careful.
Here we are.
This looks very nice.
Yeah.
Doin' it here, like Come Dine With Me.
Right.
First course Cheese on toast.
Lovely.
Excellent.
What's the second course? Erm beans on toast with cheese on top.
And pudding? Erm cheese and biscuits and erm a cheesecake.
I didn't make that though.
I just bought it in a packet from Lidl's.
Lots of cheese tonight.
Yeah.
I likes cheese.
I like cheese as well.
She likes cheese as well.
It's lovely.
Mmm.
What you having? Cheese on toast.
What's main course, mate? Beans on toast with cheese on top.
You going to melt the cheese? What? On the top of the beans? Yeah.
No.
I'm going to do Do the toast, then boil the beans.
Not boil them.
What is it when it's in the saucepan, but? Warm them up.
Warm them up.
Put that on the toast.
Then just I got some grated cheese, and then I'm going to put the grated cheese on top, cos the beans The-The heat of the beans will melt the cheese anyway.
He's right.
What's for pudding, mate? Erm cheese and biscuits and erm cheesecake.
Where'd you get cheesecake from, mate? Lidl's.
How much was that? £1.
29.
How much?! £1.
29.
Bloody hell.
You going to eat it all? No.
We'll just have a bit each.
D'you want some? Yeah.
Not now, Kev! Later.
It's all right.
He's on a date! Sit down! Have it later.
We could leave him some.
Huh? We could leave him some.
We'll leave him some, yeah.
'I likes Tracy.
' I likes her face and the things she says.
She's nice inside and out .
.
like a Cadbury's Creme Egg.
Have you had enough? I've had a lot, thank you.
I've had enough.
We're finished.
Aw.
We're full now.
Did you have a nice time? Yeah, brilliant.
We're going Going to go in the caravan now.
OK.
Bye.
Night-night.
See ya, Kev.
Sleep well.
Thank you.
Good night! That's sweet, bless him.
Where did you get that from? Jumble sale.
Get loads of things from jumble sales.
Can you? Yeah.
It's my bestest night cos you're here.
Should we go to sleep? Yeah.
Oh, there's a towel here.
Don't touch it! It's Kev's.
Why should I not touch it? I don't want to go into too much detail at the moment but just trust me on this.
OK.
Good night.
Night.
Oh, put your top on, Kev, for God's sake.
All right.
Vicky's assessor's coming over later.
All right! Where's Tracey? Walking home.
Good.
I can go and have a kip in the caravan.
Didn't get any sleep last night because she kept nicking all the covers.
I was freezing.
Well, I told you.
If you wore pyjamas you wouldn't get cold.
Nah.
Au naturelle, love.
Let it all hang free.
Well, then, it's your own fault.
Normal day at Broad Hill.
Is there any toast? Well, there's bread, yeah.
What? There's bread.
Wh? Why d'you say that? Because you can make toast out of bread.
Yeah, I know what toast is made out of.
I said, "Is there any toast?" And you said, "There's bread.
" But there isn't any toast.
What? There isn't any toast.
There's only bread.
But I can I mean, toast is made of bread.
Don't worry about it, Derek No, no, no.
But I came in and said, "Is there any toast?" And I don't know why you'd say, "There's bread.
" Why don't you say, "Yeah, there's toast"? Because it isn't toast yet.
I haven't toasted it.
It's still bread.
Do you want some toast, Derek? Please.
He's done her.
Is that the condom you gave him? Yes.
What, he's used it? Yes.
So do you do a lot of the cooking here then? Er well everyone mucks in really.
I'm no Delia Smith, but I make an all right bacon sandwich.
Who is that? Er he's He's visiting one of the residents.
What can you do, eh? Hey! You know you're not allowed in there.
What are you on about? I'm getting a beer.
Oi! Careful! Oh, shit! Shit! Get out! Come on, out! All right.
Out! I'm out! I don't mean out of the kitchen, I mean out of the home! Just get the fuck out, Kev! What? Just get out! What don't you get it? Go! I don't know where to go! I don't give a shit! You're a liability! Get out! Hannah, it's fine.
It's not fine.
I don't want to hear about it, Derek.
It's ridiculous.
Where's he going? I don't care where he's going.
Tell-tell him to sort of get out for a minute and then calm down.
No! Absolutely ridiculous.
Are you all right, Cath? Yeah.
Are you? No, I'm not.
Go sit and down, Hannah.
I'll get you a seat.
I'll get you a cup of tea.
It's all sorted.
Do you want a cup of tea, yeah? Yes, please I've got one.
Sorry about that.
No, no, it's fine.
Do you want a cup of tea? You sure you're all right? Yeah Everything's all right now.
Shall I get Kev in to talk about it? No! I don't want him here, Derek.
I've had enough.
What? Forever? Yes, forever.
When can he come back? He can't.
What? Never? No! Why not? I have to worry about the home.
Why can't we worry about Kev as well? Because it's my job to take care of the residents.
A lot of money is spent on making sure they are safe and looked after.
Yeah.
What? And if they couldn't pay, would you just chuck 'em out? Of course I wouldn't.
Exactly! What would you do? Well, I'd work something out.
So let's work something out with Kev.
I can't.
I don't want to work here any more then.
Of course you do.
You love it here.
No.
If we can't care for everyone, what's the point? Oh, don't be silly, Derek.
No.
I'm not needed here.
You said yourself, you'd never let anything happen to the residents, so they're safe.
I better look after Kev.
He'll be fine.
He won't be fine.
Where's he going to go? Oh, he'll survive, like a cockroach.
Derek.
Derek.
Derek.
'Yeah, I know it seemed a bit harsh.
'But Derek, for all his goodness, 'he's always had an idealised view of the world.
It's not perfect.
' You can't help everyone.
It would be great if you could, but you can't.
You're wasting your time.
It's pie in the sky.
He called an ambulance to help a baby bird, for Christ's sake.
I mean, you know, you try and explain to him, "But someone else might have needed that ambulance, "Derek, for something more important.
" He doesn't understand it.
He sees a baby bird and he thinks, "What's more important than this?" It was horrible, the way he looked at me - I can't stand it.
It's It's not that he's angry.
He's It's that he's disappointed and there's nothing worse than Derek being disappointed in you - it's crushing.
Oh, it's the police.
Is it a stripogram? No, it's not your birthday.
Oh, isn't it? Hello.
Does Kevin Twine live here? No.
He used to, but she chucked him out.
Yeah, well, he didn't officially live here.
He was basically squatting.
Right.
Well he was found unconscious this morning.
He was in a pretty bad way so he was rushed to the hospital.
Did he do drugs? No! What hospital? Bridge Heath General.
He's conscious now.
Does he have any clothes here at all? Um, yeah.
Yeah, he does, yeah.
Can you give me a lift there, please? Eh, that's not normal procedure, I'm afraid.
I'll give you a lift, Derek.
Thank you.
Kev's in hospital! Thanks.
OK.
Yeah, yeah, I knew this would happen.
But if someone's chucked out, what anything can happen, can't it? It's very dangerous to be homeless.
It's what I've been saying.
No-one's listening to me.
What are we going to do now? Quick, let's go and get him.
There he is.
Hiya.
Hello.
All right? Mm-hm.
That was a hell of a party.
It was just me in a skip with six cans of Special Brew and a vodka but still Well, good.
Glad you went out on a high, cos your partying days are over.
Oh, yeah? Who says? Nurse and doctor, you're ill.
You've got severe alcohol poisoning.
They found liver damage.
You had internal bleeding.
The police assumed you was a junkie that had OD'd.
The woman who found you and called the police, she thought you looked dead.
That you'd fallen off the balcony from the flats above, you looked that fucked up.
Not a bad idea, that.
What? Falling from the balcony of the flats.
Would be better than living, to be honest with you.
Don't say that, Kev.
Well, it's true, innit? It's not true.
Yeah, it is.
Please stop drinking.
Or else you'll die.
We all die.
Right.
I can't listen to this.
Don't listen to him, Derek, he's just looking for attention.
I'll wait for you outside.
I'm a burden.
I'm useless.
Who would miss me? You're not useless.
Loads of people would miss you.
You're good at loads of stuff.
Who will miss me? What am I good at? Sex.
All the ladies what you done it with will miss ya.
It's all bullshit, mate.
What? I'm a virgin! What? What? What does it mean you're a virgin? What does it mean? Yeah.
I've never stuck my willie up a woman.
What, you've never done it? No.
I've never done it.
I'm always too fucking shitfaced.
I mean, who would have sex with this? What about Janice? Well, yeah, she's the only woman that's ever let me try, but I could never find her hole.
Either of them.
Rolling around for ages, don't think I got close.
She is massive! So you've never actually got it? I've never put it up her, mate.
Still, the offer was there.
She agreed to keep up the lie, that's why she went looking elsewhere, can you blame her? Anyway, you were trying to think of something I was good at and you failed, mate.
Please stop drinking, Kev.
I don't want you to die.
You can do it.
You can stop drinking.
It's not that I can't live without drink, all right? I've just given up trying to be happy.
OK? It's never going to happen.
I've lost.
What about rule number one? What? Always get up.
Too tired.
Anyone want a cup of tea? No.
No? Fancy a Shall we play a game? No? Right, you lazy fucking nonce.
Heh! Clifford! All right, boy? Sign of the Twine, mate.
Yaaaay! Oooah! Double Twine, Double Twine.
Lovely to see you, mate.
Sit down.
I'll take this, mate.
You don't mind, do you? Remember this piece of shit? Adrian! Nice to see you, mate.
Sign of the Twine.
Wow, bloody hell, look at you.
Looking good.
This is my older brother, Adrian.
Bloody hell, haven't seen you for ages.
He ain't spoken since, eh, '84? 1984.
Hasn't said a word since 1984.
Thanks for coming along, guys.
Bloody hell, what? Mum! Dad! Yay! Bloody hell, it's like This Is Your Life.
This is your shit life! All right, Dad? The old sign of the Tw He's the one in the wheelbarrow, my dad.
You all right? Yeah.
Modified that wheelbarrow, so he doesn't have to go to the lav.
Just pulls the blanket back, all the shit and piss goes down the tube into an old Tupperware pot and then Mum empties it.
Yes.
Quite a life.
Oh, tried to get him a wheelchair, but I couldn't get a free one cos technically he isn't disabled, he's just lazy.
He's just lazy.
And a disgusting wreck.
Oh, Kev, what you playing at? Don't start, Mum, this is me.
Darlin'.
No offence, yous two, but you're the only one I ever had any hope for.
You're the only normal birth and all.
I mean, Adrian, oh, God, it was a nightmare.
22 hours' labour, wrong way round.
I split at one point.
TMI, Mum.
What's that? Too much info.
Cliff, Cliff, we thought was retarded for ages but nah, he's just ugly.
Just ugly.
But you, Kev, darling sort yourself out! Why? So you can push me round in a wheelbarrow like Dad? I would and all.
You could have this one.
He ain't got long.
Hopefully.
Something to look forward to, innit? Oh, shut up, you silly old I told you no grizzling in here.
'Well, life isn't everything obviously.
'It's quality of life, that's the main thing, isn't it? 'That's what's important.
' I mean, if somebody has lost everything, there's no hope or no joy, I'd I'd help 'em end it.
You know? I'd go to jail for it, to be honest.
But I won't let someone quit that's got everything to live for, like Kev.
I mean, being in agony from terminal cancer, that's completely different to not fancying going without booze for a few years.
It's totally different.
I won't have it.
Yeah? I hear you told Derek that you don't want to give up drinking cos you don't see any point in living.
Oh, here we go.
This is when you tell me I can have a good life, is it? I've got some worth.
Blah blah blah blah Not quite.
Go on.
I just popped in to tell you that you're a selfish cunt.
You're a pathetic coward and you don't deserve all this care you're getting.
And you really don't deserve a friend like Derek.
I don't know what he sees in you, I never have.
I've got no idea why he wants you to live a long life and be his friend forever.
I don't know why he thinks he needs you but he does and I care about Derek and I won't let anyone or anything harm him including something as useless as you, Kev.
So here's what you're going to do.
You're going to stop drinking.
You're going to stop drowning your sorrows and get through your day sober.
And you will lay awake at night wishing you were dead and you'll wake up in the morning wishing you were dead but you're just going to get through it and that will keep going on, all right? You'll keep wishing you were dead, waking up wishing you were dead, but one night, you'll sleep, and one morning, you'll wake up wishing you were dead just a little bit less and then you'll stop wishing you were dead altogether.
And you'll start wishing you had a better life.
And then you'll start living.
And that will all have been because of Derek.
And then maybe you'd have paid him back for everything he's done for you.
I'm going to try and stop drinking.
Are you? How long you got to stay in hospital for? They said I could go home in a couple of days.
I said I haven't got a home.
Right, well, you've got to stay out of the kitchen.
Well, I won't need to go the fridge, will I, if there's no beer in there.
What a life.
Brilliant.
Oh.
And the nurses have asked me to ask you to cut down on the self-abuse.
Self-abuse.
What's that? Masturbation, mate, and no, I will not cut down.
It's the only pleasure I've got left in life.
Bloody cut down.
Why would they even say that? Because in their words, your sheets are like a Ryvita biscuit in the morning.
Of course they are.
I've got no socks.
They took my clothes away.
I'm not the only one who's at it.
Sounds like a bloody zoo in here at night.
Everyone's going for it.
Bloody Peter and his asthma, he can't masturbate quietly.
And Tony with his tracheotomy, Jesus Christ, when those two are at it, it sounds like a pair of busted bag pipes.
Right.
Say goodbye, Derek.
Bye.
See ya.
See you soon.
Kev's here.
Hannah, you know I'm giving you away, cos you haven't got a dad? Yeah, you still wanna do that? Yeah.
But I was thinking it would be nice if you asked Kev.
But I thought you wanted to do it.
No, I do but it it would be nice for Kev, wouldn't it? If you asked him, if he gave you away? Would that make you happy? Yeah.
Fucking hell.
What? Is that is that a yes? Yeah What you'll let him give you away? Yeah Thank you.
Go and tell him.
Hiya, Kev.
Can I have a quick word? Yeah.
Would you like to give me away? What about Derek? He'll be fine.
It's his idea, innit? Yeah.
You OK with me doing it? Well, Derek's always right.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry that I called you a selfish cunt.
Why? You were right.
No, you're not selfish.
And you're not a cunt.
You're just in pain.
I've never never been jealous of anyone till now.
Who are you jealous of? Tom.
I'd like to pound that rump like an angry butcher.
And I could now I'm sober.
And it would be over quick, which is good for you.
Let's not spoil the moment.
OK.
And he's back! Good, innit? Balloons and that.
Very excited.
Honoured.
I'm honoured to be giving Hannah away.
Look at this guy.
He's going to be an usher, aren't you, Jack? What? You're going to be an usher.
A mushroom? It's going to be good, innit? Derek! Not today, mate, please.
That's an arm bar.
Is it? Yeah.
I'm suited and booted, mate.
Look at that.
He can't get out of that, whatever he does.
Absolutely brilliant.
You're so talented.
Thank you.
Oh, stop it! Don't fancy yours much.
Nah, I do.
I'd do 'em both.
Actually, I probably wouldn't these days, now I'm sober.
One at a time.
New regime.
So are we just here? Quite nervous, actually.
You don't need to be nervous of this lot.
Any of these kick off, I'll kill 'em.
No-one's going to kick off, it's a wedding.
I've been to wedding's where it's kicked off.
That one's got a stick.
Oh, Des.
You're not a bouncer.
You're the best man.
Your job is the rings.
That is it.
I'm the best man.
Yep.
Come on.
Nice to see you.
Watch yourself.
Des! All stand.
'I'm worried Hannah won't come back after her maternity leave.
'I wishes she wasn't going at all, but '.
.
that's that's me just thinking what's better for me, ' but you got to worry about what's best for Hannah.
You know.
It's like once, I found this pigeon what couldn't fly and I took it in and I looked after it and made it strong and then one day it was flapping at the window .
.
cos it was wanting to go, and I was sad that it wanted to go, but I was happy that it was better.
So I opened the window and I let it go.
It flew off.
And it stopped for a minute on the fence and sort of looked back and I think it was saying, "Thanks, Derek.
"Thanks for helping me, "but I've got to go now.
"My own family, they needs me more.
" That was good.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I could just have your attention, please? Shut the fuck up! Er the father of the bride.
Oh, God.
I forgot the father of the bride makes a speech.
Oh, Christ.
Uh, er I think we're all agreed this is quite a tragic event.
They couldn't do a church.
She's dressed in white when she's about to drop a sprog.
Sprog.
She works 60 hours a week while her new husband works on the bins.
They haven't got a pot to piss in, money-wise, hence the low-budget reception in an old people's home with some of the worst guests you could imagine.
Definitely.
The best man is an absolute psycho.
No offence, mate.
And her dad is dead, hence me of all people giving her away.
And they've got no honeymoon whatsoever to look forward to.
Awful.
And it got me thinking, "Has there ever been a worse wedding than this?" And then I remembered a story I was told when I was at school.
On April 29th, 1945, in Berlin, with the Russian army closing in, Adolf Hitler, in his bunker, married the love of his life Eva Braun.
What? They drank champagne, ate some cake and retired to bed.
In the morning, Eva took some cyanide, Adolf shot himself in the head and the gardener burnt their bodies.
And that is a worse wedding than this.
To the bride and groom.
To the bride and groom! Well done, Kev.
Ladies and gentlemen, now it's, er, it's time for the first dance.
OK.
Come on, you fucking Come on, you fucking! There it is.
He's so handsome.
He's got your eyes.
Yeah, lovely.
Do you want to hold him? What if I drops him? Well, you won't.
Yeah, but what if I do? It's it's I wants to, but it's a risk.
The stakes are too high.
Sit down.
What? Here, Derek.
Put that under your arm.
You ready? Yeah.
There he is.
Look how tiny his fingers are.
They're the tiniest fingers what I've ever seen.
Finger-wise.
Ah! He's grip he's gripping me! Aw, he likes you.
D'you know what we've called him? Justin Timberlake.
No! What? Derek.
Really? Yeah.
Baby Derek.
We hope he turns out as brilliant as you.
He'd better.
Cos Derek's a fucking dreadful name.
Derek
I write songs on the piano, don't I? Yeah, they're awful.
What? They're awful.
I writes about the home, things that happens in the home, and I put We don't want to hear about the home in song form.
It's depressing enough living it, let alone hearing a song about it.
Shush.
Listen.
That's how it starts.
# Everybody here loves Having pudding # We has it every day at six o'clock # Sometimes it is jelly What is cold and Sometimes it is crumble What is hot.
Got another one.
What, that was it? Yeah.
Absolutely dreadful.
# We all likes puppies We all likes puppies # We all likes puppies Dogs and that # We all likes kittens We all likes kittens # We all likes kittens And older cats # We all likes rabbits We all likes hamsters # We likes all guinea pigs And things # We likes all budgies We likes canaries, # We likes all creatures With fur and wings # Everybody here loves Having pudding # We has it every day At six o'clock # Sometimes it is jelly What is cold and Sometimes it is crumble What is hot.
That was brilliant.
Yes.
That is so sweet.
Shush Hey, you, shush, shush, shush.
Oh.
Your turn.
Hello.
Hello OK? Good.
Stopped crying.
See? 'I'm not great with babies.
'I think they can tell.
' It's not that I don't like them, it's just that I don't think I've got a natural maternal instinct, you know? They don't make me go all gooey.
Hello! 'Cos I think it's because they don't do anything.
'You can't talk to them, really and they're completely helpless.
' And they constantly shit themselves.
Knowing Kev has been a good training for that.
It's Arthur's grand-daughter's baby.
Yeah, it's not mine.
That's mine.
Can I hold it? No! No.
Charming.
It's good, innit? You want to hold him, Derek? No.
I do, but I'm clumsy.
I better not.
'I likes babies.
But they're fragile, ain't they?' And if I drops a vase or something or sits in some apple crumble and custard, I goes, "Whoops, sorry," and people goes, "Oh, don't worry about it, Derek.
Accident".
But if I drops a baby, or sits on it, whoops, sorry, isn't enough, is it? So, I sort of, I play it safe.
I would like to hold it though.
Look at that 'It's funny.
He's smiling and he's laughing.
What's he laughing at? Why is he happy? 'What does '.
.
what does he know that makes him happy? 'Know what I mean? What's he thinking? He doesn't know anything, get jokes.
Why does he laugh?' He's flying.
Like Superman.
Hey? Could Superman fly when he was a baby? Going to try and squeeze a quick wedding in before he comes along.
Yeah.
I'm going to give her away, cos her dad's dead.
Hmm.
Tom proposed.
Yeah, I did that when the cameras weren't around.
Yeah, well, I wouldn't have said yes on camera.
I wouldn't have asked you on camera.
Really? Yes, you just said you wouldn't say yes on camera.
What? You wouldn't risk it? It's like we're already married.
Back to work.
See you later.
It's not the best job in the world, but It's not great.
But it pays money and you need money for things that are great.
Like a kid.
And you know what? It's good company.
Ah, for fuck's sake! Fucking bag's split! Have you seen it? Fuck, fucking BLEEP .
.
and chuck it in your fucking windows! Des might have anger issues.
But you know, conversation's always interesting.
So if you could kill any three celebrities, and just get away with it, which ones would you kill? But there's no money.
Really? Yeah, I think so.
But I thought Oh, the vicar's here.
Am I dead? No.
He's come to talk about the wedding.
Hello.
Hello How are you? I'm fine, thank you.
Hi, this is Tom.
Tom? Richard.
Nice to see you.
Do you want to have a seat? Yes.
Thank you.
So So, I haven't seen you in church much.
I haven't seen you on the bins much.
That was a joke, I'm sorry.
I'm normally really busy here, so it She's helping the meek.
Devil makes work for idle hands.
I certainly make work for idle hands.
Also, um, Sundays are quite mental.
Yeah.
Roast dinner and bingo.
But we always have Songs Of Praise on, though.
Yeah, yeah.
God rested on Sunday, didn't he? Hannah don't.
She works seven days a week.
Helping people, innit? Good.
So, you're both Christian, though.
What do you mean by Christian? What do you mean by both? What? What? Yeah.
Yes, what? What? Are you Christian? Well, I was brought up a Christian.
Oh, good, that means you're Christian.
Well, I don't want to lie, so it's probably fair to say that I don't go along with all the mumbo jumbo side of it, but I do try and live a good life, and I am forgiving.
I'm Jewish.
Jewish.
Yeah.
Again, I was raised Jewish, but I don't believe in a Jewish God.
I mean, it's the same God OK.
Er, I don't believe in any God.
Um, well, that So, neither of you really believe in God, and, er, you're Jewish Mm-hm.
So, have you not got a foreskin? No.
Wow.
Do you know, I heard, because it's had a lifetime of being an exposed helmet, rubbing against the trousers and that, it's less sensitive, so you can last longer without shooting your load.
Pttt! Also, no risk of breaking the old banjo string, if it gets a little bit rough.
Doing anal, for example.
Innit, Pam? Um, I think, um, a registry office might be a better idea.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Good luck with the wedding.
Thank you.
Very nice to meet you all.
Thanks for coming.
Not at all.
Pleased to meet you.
Good luck.
Nice to meet you.
Bye.
Look at you.
Cheerio, then.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
He was nice, weren't he? Yeah.
We'll go for the registry office Banjo string? Yeah.
'Vicky's going to cover me on my maternity leave.
'She's just been amazing.
She's flown through all her NVQ's.
'She's on to her level five diploma now, which, you know, you need for management, so, 'couldn't be prouder of her, she's incredible.
'I'm leaving the home in very safe hands.
' 'Yeah, I love getting qualifications now.
'I'm sort of kicking myself that I didn't concentrate in school 'and do my exams properly, cos' to be honest, I just didn't think I could do anything then.
I didn't think I could pass anything.
Derek, this is Cath.
Hi.
This is Annie 'This is different, it's ongoing assessment, so people come in, watch me, 'give me homework' I think that's easier than revising for months and months and then everything coming down to, like, one test.
'I did think, like, Derek might want to be temporary manager, ' but he's not interested.
He says he loves his life exactly how it is now.
Doesn't want to change anything.
I'm starting to feel the same, to be honest.
I think ladies makes better managers than men, cos they're, sort of better with money.
I don't mean they're better at making lots of money, I mean, they makes every penny count.
And they don't show off and shout at people, like men do.
Well, Hannah has head-butted a lady once.
And she beat up some people with a rolling pin.
She's better with money than me.
Probably better at fighting.
Except wrestling.
I'll miss Hannah when she's on maternity leave.
We all will.
But Vicky's brilliant, and everyone's brilliant, everyone helps, and you know, I likes everyone here.
I even likes Geoff now.
He's interesting.
And he answers my questions.
Other people sometimes go, "Oh, Derek.
Stop asking questions.
" It's always what would win, what would win? No-one knows.
'Geoff knows.
' What's that, a butterfly? It's a giant moth, mate.
What would win out of a moth and a butterfly? Well, it depends, don't it? If it was daytime, probably be a butterfly, cos the moth's all drowsy.
Cos he's been up all night? Yeah.
Yeah.
Why do moths bump into lamps? Cos the like the light, don't they? Why do they come out at night then? That's a good point actually, Derek.
They don't think it's a lamp that they're heading to.
What do they think it is? They think it's the moon.
Ah Why'd they want to go to the moon? Cos they're idiots, mate.
Butterflies are the gayest insect.
Are they? Yeah.
Good drawing.
Thanks, mate.
I only draws one thing.
Yeah? Want to see it? Show us.
I'm not very good, but I draws a cat.
Like that.
That's his ears.
His eyes, like that.
There's his body, there's his tail, there's his feet.
It's not very good.
Not as good as yours.
Good start.
See you later.
Yeah, see you later, mate.
Bit early, innit? The early bird catches the worm, babe.
What if what if the worm's having a lie-in? What? What if the early bird gets up and goes, "I going to catch the worm," and he gets there, but that day, the worm's overslept, and the early bird goes, "I'm not waiting round here all day.
"I'm going somewhere else".
Right? And he goes off.
And then the late bird goes, "Aw, what time is it?" And he gets up, and he he goes, "I've probably missed all the worms," just as the worm is getting up.
And he goes, "Brilliant, a worm.
" And that day, the LATE bird catches the worm.
Hello? Is anyone listening? It's despicable in here sometimes, innit? Tracey's coming in, later.
You know, the lady what I had the date with, off the website.
She likes burping, like me.
We're going on another date.
I've had loads of dates with her, but this is the first time she's going to sleep over.
Never mind sleep over, mate.
What about leg over? Kev's going to sleep somewhere else tonight, so we've got the caravan to ourselves.
Innit, Kev? Yeah, I don't mind being homeless for a mate to get some ass.
You can kip with me, as long as you don't snore.
Cheers, love.
Sorted.
'What can I do? They're adults.
' I mean, I can't say to her, "Oh, no, you can't share your bed with a homeless drunk.
" She asked HIM! I mean, how mental is that? She asked Kev to share her bed.
Madness.
Derek, Derek.
What? There you go.
Have that.
What is it? Rubber johnny.
Ribbed.
I'm not going to need it tonight.
Am I? Definitely not.
Definitely won't need it because you can't get pregnant and you've got no diseases? Or definitely won't need it because there'll be no rutting? No rutting.
Just making sure.
Definitely.
Anyway, mate, give her one for me, please.
Oooomm! Cheers.
What about that polo shirt I got you for Christmas? I've got some aftershave from my ex I could give you.
Make you smell nice.
Excellent.
They're, um, um, giving me suggestions how to look nice and impress Tracey, when she comes.
She's already impressed, isn't she, Derek? Yes.
There's no harm in making an effort, make a girl feel not taken for granted.
Yeah, definitely.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Do all the hard work now, snare a decent bird while you still can and then you can relax and let yourself go.
That's what I intend to do.
Sorry, what? You intend to let yourself go, when you've snagged a decent bird? That's what I just said, baby.
Unbelievable.
Last chance for you to get on board the Kev Twine love train.
We've done this.
Now I know you're pregnant and normally that is a complete turn off, but I'm willing to make an exception.
But it's got to be now or never, babe.
Never.
Not intercourse.
Just a good old-fashioned five-knuckle shuffle.
No.
Oh, come off it.
This makes me laugh.
Huh? You won't toss me off, but you're willing to stick your hand in bloody bloke's bogs and urinals? It's mental.
One, I wear rubber gloves Well, wear rubber gloves then! Huh? You could be scrubbing shit off the toilet with one hand and wanking me off with the other.
It's no skin off your nose.
What's the fucking problem? That's coming off a treat, that one.
Yeah, lovely stuff.
Nice clean pan.
Now what's going on over here? Ooohh! Here he comes.
Here he comes! Boom, boom, boom, splat! Ah 'We all needs a mate' Hiya! '.
.
it's natural.
' And it might take you a while to find the right one, but you will.
And you might lose 'em, but it was good that you found them in the first place.
Everyone here has had a mate and lost 'em, but life's only interesting if you shares it.
Joan used to say, "If you want to go fast, go alone.
"If you want to go far, go together.
" Right.
We're going on our date now.
Have a lovely time.
Have a good night.
Bye-bye, have fun.
Be careful.
Here we are.
This looks very nice.
Yeah.
Doin' it here, like Come Dine With Me.
Right.
First course Cheese on toast.
Lovely.
Excellent.
What's the second course? Erm beans on toast with cheese on top.
And pudding? Erm cheese and biscuits and erm a cheesecake.
I didn't make that though.
I just bought it in a packet from Lidl's.
Lots of cheese tonight.
Yeah.
I likes cheese.
I like cheese as well.
She likes cheese as well.
It's lovely.
Mmm.
What you having? Cheese on toast.
What's main course, mate? Beans on toast with cheese on top.
You going to melt the cheese? What? On the top of the beans? Yeah.
No.
I'm going to do Do the toast, then boil the beans.
Not boil them.
What is it when it's in the saucepan, but? Warm them up.
Warm them up.
Put that on the toast.
Then just I got some grated cheese, and then I'm going to put the grated cheese on top, cos the beans The-The heat of the beans will melt the cheese anyway.
He's right.
What's for pudding, mate? Erm cheese and biscuits and erm cheesecake.
Where'd you get cheesecake from, mate? Lidl's.
How much was that? £1.
29.
How much?! £1.
29.
Bloody hell.
You going to eat it all? No.
We'll just have a bit each.
D'you want some? Yeah.
Not now, Kev! Later.
It's all right.
He's on a date! Sit down! Have it later.
We could leave him some.
Huh? We could leave him some.
We'll leave him some, yeah.
'I likes Tracy.
' I likes her face and the things she says.
She's nice inside and out .
.
like a Cadbury's Creme Egg.
Have you had enough? I've had a lot, thank you.
I've had enough.
We're finished.
Aw.
We're full now.
Did you have a nice time? Yeah, brilliant.
We're going Going to go in the caravan now.
OK.
Bye.
Night-night.
See ya, Kev.
Sleep well.
Thank you.
Good night! That's sweet, bless him.
Where did you get that from? Jumble sale.
Get loads of things from jumble sales.
Can you? Yeah.
It's my bestest night cos you're here.
Should we go to sleep? Yeah.
Oh, there's a towel here.
Don't touch it! It's Kev's.
Why should I not touch it? I don't want to go into too much detail at the moment but just trust me on this.
OK.
Good night.
Night.
Oh, put your top on, Kev, for God's sake.
All right.
Vicky's assessor's coming over later.
All right! Where's Tracey? Walking home.
Good.
I can go and have a kip in the caravan.
Didn't get any sleep last night because she kept nicking all the covers.
I was freezing.
Well, I told you.
If you wore pyjamas you wouldn't get cold.
Nah.
Au naturelle, love.
Let it all hang free.
Well, then, it's your own fault.
Normal day at Broad Hill.
Is there any toast? Well, there's bread, yeah.
What? There's bread.
Wh? Why d'you say that? Because you can make toast out of bread.
Yeah, I know what toast is made out of.
I said, "Is there any toast?" And you said, "There's bread.
" But there isn't any toast.
What? There isn't any toast.
There's only bread.
But I can I mean, toast is made of bread.
Don't worry about it, Derek No, no, no.
But I came in and said, "Is there any toast?" And I don't know why you'd say, "There's bread.
" Why don't you say, "Yeah, there's toast"? Because it isn't toast yet.
I haven't toasted it.
It's still bread.
Do you want some toast, Derek? Please.
He's done her.
Is that the condom you gave him? Yes.
What, he's used it? Yes.
So do you do a lot of the cooking here then? Er well everyone mucks in really.
I'm no Delia Smith, but I make an all right bacon sandwich.
Who is that? Er he's He's visiting one of the residents.
What can you do, eh? Hey! You know you're not allowed in there.
What are you on about? I'm getting a beer.
Oi! Careful! Oh, shit! Shit! Get out! Come on, out! All right.
Out! I'm out! I don't mean out of the kitchen, I mean out of the home! Just get the fuck out, Kev! What? Just get out! What don't you get it? Go! I don't know where to go! I don't give a shit! You're a liability! Get out! Hannah, it's fine.
It's not fine.
I don't want to hear about it, Derek.
It's ridiculous.
Where's he going? I don't care where he's going.
Tell-tell him to sort of get out for a minute and then calm down.
No! Absolutely ridiculous.
Are you all right, Cath? Yeah.
Are you? No, I'm not.
Go sit and down, Hannah.
I'll get you a seat.
I'll get you a cup of tea.
It's all sorted.
Do you want a cup of tea, yeah? Yes, please I've got one.
Sorry about that.
No, no, it's fine.
Do you want a cup of tea? You sure you're all right? Yeah Everything's all right now.
Shall I get Kev in to talk about it? No! I don't want him here, Derek.
I've had enough.
What? Forever? Yes, forever.
When can he come back? He can't.
What? Never? No! Why not? I have to worry about the home.
Why can't we worry about Kev as well? Because it's my job to take care of the residents.
A lot of money is spent on making sure they are safe and looked after.
Yeah.
What? And if they couldn't pay, would you just chuck 'em out? Of course I wouldn't.
Exactly! What would you do? Well, I'd work something out.
So let's work something out with Kev.
I can't.
I don't want to work here any more then.
Of course you do.
You love it here.
No.
If we can't care for everyone, what's the point? Oh, don't be silly, Derek.
No.
I'm not needed here.
You said yourself, you'd never let anything happen to the residents, so they're safe.
I better look after Kev.
He'll be fine.
He won't be fine.
Where's he going to go? Oh, he'll survive, like a cockroach.
Derek.
Derek.
Derek.
'Yeah, I know it seemed a bit harsh.
'But Derek, for all his goodness, 'he's always had an idealised view of the world.
It's not perfect.
' You can't help everyone.
It would be great if you could, but you can't.
You're wasting your time.
It's pie in the sky.
He called an ambulance to help a baby bird, for Christ's sake.
I mean, you know, you try and explain to him, "But someone else might have needed that ambulance, "Derek, for something more important.
" He doesn't understand it.
He sees a baby bird and he thinks, "What's more important than this?" It was horrible, the way he looked at me - I can't stand it.
It's It's not that he's angry.
He's It's that he's disappointed and there's nothing worse than Derek being disappointed in you - it's crushing.
Oh, it's the police.
Is it a stripogram? No, it's not your birthday.
Oh, isn't it? Hello.
Does Kevin Twine live here? No.
He used to, but she chucked him out.
Yeah, well, he didn't officially live here.
He was basically squatting.
Right.
Well he was found unconscious this morning.
He was in a pretty bad way so he was rushed to the hospital.
Did he do drugs? No! What hospital? Bridge Heath General.
He's conscious now.
Does he have any clothes here at all? Um, yeah.
Yeah, he does, yeah.
Can you give me a lift there, please? Eh, that's not normal procedure, I'm afraid.
I'll give you a lift, Derek.
Thank you.
Kev's in hospital! Thanks.
OK.
Yeah, yeah, I knew this would happen.
But if someone's chucked out, what anything can happen, can't it? It's very dangerous to be homeless.
It's what I've been saying.
No-one's listening to me.
What are we going to do now? Quick, let's go and get him.
There he is.
Hiya.
Hello.
All right? Mm-hm.
That was a hell of a party.
It was just me in a skip with six cans of Special Brew and a vodka but still Well, good.
Glad you went out on a high, cos your partying days are over.
Oh, yeah? Who says? Nurse and doctor, you're ill.
You've got severe alcohol poisoning.
They found liver damage.
You had internal bleeding.
The police assumed you was a junkie that had OD'd.
The woman who found you and called the police, she thought you looked dead.
That you'd fallen off the balcony from the flats above, you looked that fucked up.
Not a bad idea, that.
What? Falling from the balcony of the flats.
Would be better than living, to be honest with you.
Don't say that, Kev.
Well, it's true, innit? It's not true.
Yeah, it is.
Please stop drinking.
Or else you'll die.
We all die.
Right.
I can't listen to this.
Don't listen to him, Derek, he's just looking for attention.
I'll wait for you outside.
I'm a burden.
I'm useless.
Who would miss me? You're not useless.
Loads of people would miss you.
You're good at loads of stuff.
Who will miss me? What am I good at? Sex.
All the ladies what you done it with will miss ya.
It's all bullshit, mate.
What? I'm a virgin! What? What? What does it mean you're a virgin? What does it mean? Yeah.
I've never stuck my willie up a woman.
What, you've never done it? No.
I've never done it.
I'm always too fucking shitfaced.
I mean, who would have sex with this? What about Janice? Well, yeah, she's the only woman that's ever let me try, but I could never find her hole.
Either of them.
Rolling around for ages, don't think I got close.
She is massive! So you've never actually got it? I've never put it up her, mate.
Still, the offer was there.
She agreed to keep up the lie, that's why she went looking elsewhere, can you blame her? Anyway, you were trying to think of something I was good at and you failed, mate.
Please stop drinking, Kev.
I don't want you to die.
You can do it.
You can stop drinking.
It's not that I can't live without drink, all right? I've just given up trying to be happy.
OK? It's never going to happen.
I've lost.
What about rule number one? What? Always get up.
Too tired.
Anyone want a cup of tea? No.
No? Fancy a Shall we play a game? No? Right, you lazy fucking nonce.
Heh! Clifford! All right, boy? Sign of the Twine, mate.
Yaaaay! Oooah! Double Twine, Double Twine.
Lovely to see you, mate.
Sit down.
I'll take this, mate.
You don't mind, do you? Remember this piece of shit? Adrian! Nice to see you, mate.
Sign of the Twine.
Wow, bloody hell, look at you.
Looking good.
This is my older brother, Adrian.
Bloody hell, haven't seen you for ages.
He ain't spoken since, eh, '84? 1984.
Hasn't said a word since 1984.
Thanks for coming along, guys.
Bloody hell, what? Mum! Dad! Yay! Bloody hell, it's like This Is Your Life.
This is your shit life! All right, Dad? The old sign of the Tw He's the one in the wheelbarrow, my dad.
You all right? Yeah.
Modified that wheelbarrow, so he doesn't have to go to the lav.
Just pulls the blanket back, all the shit and piss goes down the tube into an old Tupperware pot and then Mum empties it.
Yes.
Quite a life.
Oh, tried to get him a wheelchair, but I couldn't get a free one cos technically he isn't disabled, he's just lazy.
He's just lazy.
And a disgusting wreck.
Oh, Kev, what you playing at? Don't start, Mum, this is me.
Darlin'.
No offence, yous two, but you're the only one I ever had any hope for.
You're the only normal birth and all.
I mean, Adrian, oh, God, it was a nightmare.
22 hours' labour, wrong way round.
I split at one point.
TMI, Mum.
What's that? Too much info.
Cliff, Cliff, we thought was retarded for ages but nah, he's just ugly.
Just ugly.
But you, Kev, darling sort yourself out! Why? So you can push me round in a wheelbarrow like Dad? I would and all.
You could have this one.
He ain't got long.
Hopefully.
Something to look forward to, innit? Oh, shut up, you silly old I told you no grizzling in here.
'Well, life isn't everything obviously.
'It's quality of life, that's the main thing, isn't it? 'That's what's important.
' I mean, if somebody has lost everything, there's no hope or no joy, I'd I'd help 'em end it.
You know? I'd go to jail for it, to be honest.
But I won't let someone quit that's got everything to live for, like Kev.
I mean, being in agony from terminal cancer, that's completely different to not fancying going without booze for a few years.
It's totally different.
I won't have it.
Yeah? I hear you told Derek that you don't want to give up drinking cos you don't see any point in living.
Oh, here we go.
This is when you tell me I can have a good life, is it? I've got some worth.
Blah blah blah blah Not quite.
Go on.
I just popped in to tell you that you're a selfish cunt.
You're a pathetic coward and you don't deserve all this care you're getting.
And you really don't deserve a friend like Derek.
I don't know what he sees in you, I never have.
I've got no idea why he wants you to live a long life and be his friend forever.
I don't know why he thinks he needs you but he does and I care about Derek and I won't let anyone or anything harm him including something as useless as you, Kev.
So here's what you're going to do.
You're going to stop drinking.
You're going to stop drowning your sorrows and get through your day sober.
And you will lay awake at night wishing you were dead and you'll wake up in the morning wishing you were dead but you're just going to get through it and that will keep going on, all right? You'll keep wishing you were dead, waking up wishing you were dead, but one night, you'll sleep, and one morning, you'll wake up wishing you were dead just a little bit less and then you'll stop wishing you were dead altogether.
And you'll start wishing you had a better life.
And then you'll start living.
And that will all have been because of Derek.
And then maybe you'd have paid him back for everything he's done for you.
I'm going to try and stop drinking.
Are you? How long you got to stay in hospital for? They said I could go home in a couple of days.
I said I haven't got a home.
Right, well, you've got to stay out of the kitchen.
Well, I won't need to go the fridge, will I, if there's no beer in there.
What a life.
Brilliant.
Oh.
And the nurses have asked me to ask you to cut down on the self-abuse.
Self-abuse.
What's that? Masturbation, mate, and no, I will not cut down.
It's the only pleasure I've got left in life.
Bloody cut down.
Why would they even say that? Because in their words, your sheets are like a Ryvita biscuit in the morning.
Of course they are.
I've got no socks.
They took my clothes away.
I'm not the only one who's at it.
Sounds like a bloody zoo in here at night.
Everyone's going for it.
Bloody Peter and his asthma, he can't masturbate quietly.
And Tony with his tracheotomy, Jesus Christ, when those two are at it, it sounds like a pair of busted bag pipes.
Right.
Say goodbye, Derek.
Bye.
See ya.
See you soon.
Kev's here.
Hannah, you know I'm giving you away, cos you haven't got a dad? Yeah, you still wanna do that? Yeah.
But I was thinking it would be nice if you asked Kev.
But I thought you wanted to do it.
No, I do but it it would be nice for Kev, wouldn't it? If you asked him, if he gave you away? Would that make you happy? Yeah.
Fucking hell.
What? Is that is that a yes? Yeah What you'll let him give you away? Yeah Thank you.
Go and tell him.
Hiya, Kev.
Can I have a quick word? Yeah.
Would you like to give me away? What about Derek? He'll be fine.
It's his idea, innit? Yeah.
You OK with me doing it? Well, Derek's always right.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry that I called you a selfish cunt.
Why? You were right.
No, you're not selfish.
And you're not a cunt.
You're just in pain.
I've never never been jealous of anyone till now.
Who are you jealous of? Tom.
I'd like to pound that rump like an angry butcher.
And I could now I'm sober.
And it would be over quick, which is good for you.
Let's not spoil the moment.
OK.
And he's back! Good, innit? Balloons and that.
Very excited.
Honoured.
I'm honoured to be giving Hannah away.
Look at this guy.
He's going to be an usher, aren't you, Jack? What? You're going to be an usher.
A mushroom? It's going to be good, innit? Derek! Not today, mate, please.
That's an arm bar.
Is it? Yeah.
I'm suited and booted, mate.
Look at that.
He can't get out of that, whatever he does.
Absolutely brilliant.
You're so talented.
Thank you.
Oh, stop it! Don't fancy yours much.
Nah, I do.
I'd do 'em both.
Actually, I probably wouldn't these days, now I'm sober.
One at a time.
New regime.
So are we just here? Quite nervous, actually.
You don't need to be nervous of this lot.
Any of these kick off, I'll kill 'em.
No-one's going to kick off, it's a wedding.
I've been to wedding's where it's kicked off.
That one's got a stick.
Oh, Des.
You're not a bouncer.
You're the best man.
Your job is the rings.
That is it.
I'm the best man.
Yep.
Come on.
Nice to see you.
Watch yourself.
Des! All stand.
'I'm worried Hannah won't come back after her maternity leave.
'I wishes she wasn't going at all, but '.
.
that's that's me just thinking what's better for me, ' but you got to worry about what's best for Hannah.
You know.
It's like once, I found this pigeon what couldn't fly and I took it in and I looked after it and made it strong and then one day it was flapping at the window .
.
cos it was wanting to go, and I was sad that it wanted to go, but I was happy that it was better.
So I opened the window and I let it go.
It flew off.
And it stopped for a minute on the fence and sort of looked back and I think it was saying, "Thanks, Derek.
"Thanks for helping me, "but I've got to go now.
"My own family, they needs me more.
" That was good.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I could just have your attention, please? Shut the fuck up! Er the father of the bride.
Oh, God.
I forgot the father of the bride makes a speech.
Oh, Christ.
Uh, er I think we're all agreed this is quite a tragic event.
They couldn't do a church.
She's dressed in white when she's about to drop a sprog.
Sprog.
She works 60 hours a week while her new husband works on the bins.
They haven't got a pot to piss in, money-wise, hence the low-budget reception in an old people's home with some of the worst guests you could imagine.
Definitely.
The best man is an absolute psycho.
No offence, mate.
And her dad is dead, hence me of all people giving her away.
And they've got no honeymoon whatsoever to look forward to.
Awful.
And it got me thinking, "Has there ever been a worse wedding than this?" And then I remembered a story I was told when I was at school.
On April 29th, 1945, in Berlin, with the Russian army closing in, Adolf Hitler, in his bunker, married the love of his life Eva Braun.
What? They drank champagne, ate some cake and retired to bed.
In the morning, Eva took some cyanide, Adolf shot himself in the head and the gardener burnt their bodies.
And that is a worse wedding than this.
To the bride and groom.
To the bride and groom! Well done, Kev.
Ladies and gentlemen, now it's, er, it's time for the first dance.
OK.
Come on, you fucking Come on, you fucking! There it is.
He's so handsome.
He's got your eyes.
Yeah, lovely.
Do you want to hold him? What if I drops him? Well, you won't.
Yeah, but what if I do? It's it's I wants to, but it's a risk.
The stakes are too high.
Sit down.
What? Here, Derek.
Put that under your arm.
You ready? Yeah.
There he is.
Look how tiny his fingers are.
They're the tiniest fingers what I've ever seen.
Finger-wise.
Ah! He's grip he's gripping me! Aw, he likes you.
D'you know what we've called him? Justin Timberlake.
No! What? Derek.
Really? Yeah.
Baby Derek.
We hope he turns out as brilliant as you.
He'd better.
Cos Derek's a fucking dreadful name.
Derek