Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s02e00 Episode Script

This programme contains
very strong language.
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪
Look at you. Like a little
baby boy in a little womb.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Hi.
Hi, over here!
- Hi. How are you?
- Not bad.
Ooh!
- Linda, hi!
- Hi, Mel.
I wish I could look that good
in that frock.
Wish on, babe.
See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
Hi, there!
- It's beautiful, isn't it?
- Oh, yes, yes, it is.
- I'm so sorry, Tom.
- Why?
I know we had the Peak Practice
reunion to go to but
Ever since our eyes met across
the set of a crowded GP's surgery -
you played dysentery brilliantly
by the way -
I just knew that I wanted to see
the millennium in here with you.
I know, ya, I know.
Should old acquaintance be forgot and never
brought to mind Should old acquaintance ♪
Hey! Lindy! Hey!
Red, orange, red, orange,
love the look, baby!
There we are.
Traffic lights!
Ah, shut up!
What happened to poor Timothy Tree?
Oh, leave it, it'll have to come
down soon anyway, or it's bad luck.
What superstitious claptrap! God,
you're frighteningly working class.
It's true!
My nana left her tree up
for too long once,
and the very next day she
spontaneously human combusted!
You're lying!
It's true. All that was left of her
was her little chuff.
Wandering around the lounge, it was,
all lost and dribbling.
Oh, oh, stop it!
No! Chuff - it was her Jack Russell.
Pass me a chocolate starfish.
What's the magic word?
Twat!
Here you are, there you go. Yes
I did rather well with the tree
this year, didn't I?
One used to get so excited in
days of yore when Mama would dress
the yuletide-esque branches.
A tangerine here, a candlet there.
The first glimpse of angel hair
round my baubles.
We had a Tiny Tears doll on top of
ours, all done up like an angel.
Until Mummy got one of them ones
that wet themselves.
She got drenched and
the whole estate short-circuited.
- Bet that made you popular. - We were
the victims of a hate campaign.
Bricks through the window.
Then they found out
it was our fault.
What's in this?
- Well, it's vodka, gin, brandy, lemonade and
just a splash of coconut milk. - Hmm.
- Isn't it phenom?
- Hmm.
One should have a welcoming tankard
in case first footers pop by.
What time is your party? You should
get ready. Have you seen the time?
No, um, Tomica phoned.
She blew me out.
Over the phone?
She must have a long tongue.
I think they must have got
a puppy for Christmas.
I could hear her fella saying,
"I'm not having that dog in my house.
"Then she said, "Party's off."
You're such a sad bitch.
Hang on, hang on.
You're not going out?
Why are you wearing more make-up
than Scritti Politti?
A lady should always look her best.
Mummy wore so much mascara,
she could hardly open her eyes.
I was looking forward to being
alone tonight. Ring her back!
- Ain't my fault you've got no mates.
- I've got two pals coming down
from Wolverhampton Rep, actually.
- Who? - Stephen and George - we did a
three-handed Julias Caesar together.
I don't want to know
about your sexual conquests!
Shut up.
Anyway, they rang this afternoon.
They were so chilled. They were
like, "Hey, Tom, we're coming down.
"Hey, Tom,
we're coming down, boy."
They're smack heads,
they're always coming down.
Well, anyway, anyway.
I issued a smatter of invites.
Tom Farrell at home. Green
lettering, yellow background.
A tip I picked up
from Princess Di's smiling butler.
And now you'r gonna be here.
Damn you!
I dunno why you're bothering. The
millennium's like Steps - overrated.
Excuse me
but Steps are ABBA for the '90s.
Oh! We can't say that any more.
What do we say? The zeros?
- Hey? - We had the '80s and '90s.
Now it's the zeros.
Maybe it's the naughties!
'Ere, I've got a naughty nightie.
Mummy gave it to me
as a puberty present.
'Ere.
- What? - I've done
a 70 minus one in it.
- Welcome to the naughties. I like that.
- Didn't half chaff me neck.
The fella thought he was turning me
on but in fact he was strangling me.
Bless him!
Linda if you insist
on staying in tonight
and ruining my lesbian
'n' gay pick 'n' mingle.
Ugh!
May I make one tiny request?
Can we have a little bit less
of your family history?
To kill some time, until
my friends arrive, what's on TV?
I dunno, I'm not psychic.
- You're the one with the TV pages!
- I'm only looking at the pictures!
Could you hazard a guess please?!
Maureen from Driving School's
on Question Time.
Oh, don't be so ridic.
That's absolutely ridic.
Look, it's the geezer from Question
Time, three MPs and Maureen.
It'll be Ann Widdecombe,
you ridiculous mutant.
What else is on?
- Fern Britton with an haggis. - Oh.
What do you have to do
to be a TV presenter?
- Well, er, you've got to be
attractive. - Right.
- You've got to sleep with
loads of producers. - Really? - Yes.
- Read autocue.
- Ah, no, see, I'm dyslexic.
Thick.
- Dyslexic. - You're too working class
to be dyslexic!
Owning class, mate!
Me dad owns his own council house!
Yeah, yeah. Cut your veins open,
you'd have blue blood pumping away.
Everyone knows blood's red!
You call ME thick!
Blue blood, you daft trollop!
As in the Royal Family.
I hope they're not on tonight,
moaning northern ponces.
Sorry?
You know, that docu-soap?
Where they all sit around
talking about TV and smoking.
I mean how many people do you
know who actually do that, hey?
What else is on?
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
Ah, what a rip-off!
Phone a friend?! Phone a friend?!
What if you don't have any friends?
What's up?
You've never tried to go on it.
The questions are so bloody hard!
No, it's not. Put these days in order
- Monday, Wednesday, Tuesday.
Yeah, we haven't all got a degree
in date arranging, have we?
Get away from my punch,
that's for my guests!
Don't be so selfish.
It's only a little drink!
- I'm glad I'm not selfish.
- Me, selfish, selfish, selfish?
Who did the Christmas tree? Who did
the Christmas dinner and the punch?
It didn't all just magically happen.
The Christmas fairy didn't do it.
Yes, he did!
That's right. When in doubt,
resort to homophobia.
I ain't phobic about homos,
I just can't stand them.
Now, get out of my way!
I'm gonna phone Daddy.
I'm gonna
leave him a message on his machine.
SHE SIGHS
Hi, Daddy. It's Lindy, Daddy. Happy
New Year. Thank you for my computer.
Love you lots, Linda.
Oh! I've got something in my eye.
You know sometimes
you make me physically sick.
Daddy used to say that.
Ah, he'd tie me
to the roof rack of his car,
drive 70mph round the Isle of Dogs,
and say, "Linda, you make me sick."
- Bless him! - And you wonder
why he never answers the telephone.
How can he?
He is in an iron lung!
- Yeah, right. - Yeah, right.
You've seen the picture.
Right.
- That's an iron lung? -
Well, what else would it be?
A sideboard.
Have you ever seen an iron lung
with drawers and a clock on top?
Daddy's got a special one.
Why would he lie to me?
So you won't go round there!
DADDY LOVES ME!!
ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Press the letter K.
Try again.
Press the letter W.
Try again.
Press the letter L.
This is the letter L, L, L.
Oh, it's your new laptop.
ELECTRONIC MACHINE PLAYS:
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
High above ♪
Oh, right.
HE SIGHS
My friends must be stuck in traffic.
Yeah, right.
Where are your posters of Liam?
We're history. I could never
bring up another bird's child.
Auntie Dot did that for six weeks.
She had to give it back.
I told her at the trial,
"You should have asked first."
Wanna play a game?
Charades, perhaps?
- Like Give Us A Clue? - Yes! I'll be
Lionel Blair, you be Liza Goddard.
I wanna be Lisa Tarbuck.
Look at me hair.
All right. What are you doing?
- I'm assembling my team.
- Oh, right.
- That's Carol Jackson from EastEnders.
- Welcome, Carol.
- That's Cerys from Catatonia.
- OK.
It's all over the front page
You give me road rage. ♪
I get it!
Carol, you dirty bitch!
- What are you doing?
- Carol fancies you.
Oh, shut up!
I'm not asking him that!
What? What's she asking? What?
What colour are your undies?
They're sort of red
No, no, I'm not
- Ladies, please!
- Call me LISA.
OK, Lisa!
It's a song, OK?
It's two words
and I'm going to do the second word.
Pretty Woman! My go.
No.
Second word, right?
Ah!
It's that deaf bird
that plays the drums.
What's her name? This is so hard!
- No, no, no. Sounds like. -
No, I dunno what she sounds like.
- No. Sounds like this. - Wotchit!
- Well, what is that?
- Er, perfect - Perfect Day! - No!
- It's just a perfect day. ♪
- It's a curl. - Curly Wurly.
- It rhymes with curl! - Curl, ball,
big ball, Great Balls Of Fire!
GIRL!
It's girl, you stupid bitch!
Girl? Carol says
she can see your thing.
Oh, for goodness sake! Stop it.
So the second word is?
Go on!
The second word is girl!
Never heard of it!
- I haven't done the first word yet!
- You're just trying to confuse me!
God!
First word, first word is
- Eiderdown Girl! I win! -
When did you ever hear
of a song called Eiderdown Girl?
Eiderdown girl living
in an eiderdown world.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Look!
- Stop turning yourself on. - What are
my clothes made of? - Something cheap.
Material?
Denim!
No, that's it.
It's the Madonna song Material Girl.
Ah. She is looking so rough,
in't she?
Come on, then!
I've just done it?
The Madonna song Material Girl!
Bloody hell!
You went round the houses a bit!
- God! - Ha, ha. - It's an effort
to do anything with you. - God!
- Who's in your team. - I'm fed up.
I don't know. Hmm, this is Simon
Shepherd and this is Michael Owen.
- No, that's Robbie Williams.
- All right, get on with it.
- Robbie might get this one. - OK. - OK?
- It's a song. - Right.
It's got
It's got one word. Here we go.
OK.
SHE HUMS THEN SINGS
"MILLENNIUM" BY ROBBIE WILLIAMS
SHE CONTINUES THE SONG
Millennium ♪
We should have taken in a show.
I love a good play.
You! The last play you went
to see was the Chippendales.
which, incidentally, is NOT a play.
It was in a theatre.
It had an interval.
I had ice cream.
Theatre should be exciting.
I was stuck to me seat.
It took three usherettes
to prise me off.
I should go
to the theatre more often.
It's your fault! Always showing me up.
Jumping onto the stage in Annie.
I was born to play that part.
The sun'll come out tomorrow. ♪
And when we saw Cats, what did you
shout at the lovely Elaine Paige?
"Show me your pussy,
I'll show you mine!"
When we saw Jesus Christ Superstar,
you ran round telling all the kids,
"He dies in the end."
- Ah, stop shouting at me.
- I'll shout at who I bloody well like.
Ssh. I feel queasy.
I think that milk in me cup of tea
must have been off.
Oh, just imagine, imagine,
all the families gathered round,
opening the port and ruminating.
Oh, don't be disgusting!
Will the millennium bug really happen?
Will all the computers crash?
Imagine us 1,000 years ago.
You'd probably have rickets.
Me Aunty Shirl had them.
Very bow-legged she was.
She couldn't stop
a bull in an alleyway.
She played cricket
for East Ham ladies.
'Ere She put the ricket
into cricket.
I'd probably have been on
first name terms with Oscar Wilde.
You know what?
I'd sit on her knee and drop
straight through to the floor.
The amount of times
I cracked me head open.
We didn't half laugh, Tom.
It's highly probable I would have
been going out with Oscar Wilde.
Who?
- I'm back, dear Oscar. - Oh.
- How's the, er, play coming along?
So, so. I'm not bonkers
about the title, though.
- What's it called? - The Importance
Of Being A Snakeskin Handbag.
- A handbag?
- Have you met Lady Brackers?
Why the hell are you here?
This is my dream sequence.
Piss off, you poof.
Osccie don't you think clutch
bag would be more aujourd'hui?
Most people have one. In Paris it's
become quite de rigeur even for men.
No, clutch bag it ought to be.
You are so earnest. If only everyone
were as earnest as you.
Why not call it that?
The Importance Of Being
An Earnest Clutch Bag.
It's genius.
You are quite the thing.
It'll never work.
Where's she gone?
Where's she gone?
Linda?
Where are you going?
- Church.
- What?
Come on,
a thing came through the door.
Midnight communion,
there'll be free wine!
No, no, no. What the hell has the
year 2,000 got to do with Jesus?
Christmas is his birthday innit?
He was born to save the world from sin.
Yes, there was cattle
and a donkey and cake,
and everyone had a lovely time,
except Mary cos she was knackered.
I'll see you next century.
No, no, no, don't leave me
rattling around in this big house.
I'm scared Lindy, I'm really scared.
The bogey man'll get me! The bogey
man'll get me! Please don't go.
- Please. - All right.
- Oh, thanks Lindy. Thanks. - OK.
- I'll stay. It's probably freezing
outside anyway. - Yes.
- Yes. - Yes. - I'd get nipples
like chapel hat pegs.
Here, here, come and lie down
with me on the bed, here.
- Hey? - Come and lie down here. Come
and have some punch with me. - Yeah.
Come on. Come on.
Look, ha, ha, ha.
- Cheers. - Yukky duck.
- Oh, this is nice, innit?
- Yeah, it's great.
I'm splattered.
Oh, it's good for you though, Tom,
getting pissed.
It's not so good when you piss
the bed but it is good for you.
Ere
..I wish you weren't an homo.
- Do you?
- Yeah.
- Do you wanna know something? - What?
- I wish you were a bloke. - No.
Aaah.
What's it like, having a knob?
- It's great. - Yeah? - Yeah.
It gives you something to look at
when you're bored, dunnit?
- It's bloody fantastic, actually.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
It's quite nice having a patty.
A patty?
It's what Mummy called it.
In the morning, she'd go, "You
cleaned your teeth?" I'd go, "Yeah."
I hadn't. She'd go, "You washed
behind your ears?" I'd go, "Yeah."
She'd go, "You washed your patty?"
I used to laugh me head off when
Patti Boulaye came on the telly.
My mum used to call mine my tail.
Ugh!
That's a bit confusing. No wonder
you get pleasure round the back.
- Very true. - Yeah. - Yes.
So how old were you
when you had your first fumble?
- Er I don't recall.
- Oh, come on.
Everyone remembers their first time.
Well, except me.
I was off me head on vodka and glue.
I only knew I'd done it cos me
Brownie uniform was back to front,
and I couldn't find me pants.
How old were you?
Why were you still in the Brownies?
They kept putting me back a year.
There were a lot of dogs in our group
and they wanted to up the pretty stakes.
Yeah, yeah, that'll be it. Oh, oh!
- I do remember my first kiss.
- Yeah?
It was the school pantomine.
I was playing the dame.
- And I had this beautiful,
long, blonde wig. - Hmm.
- On opening night, we had a powercut,
and in the blackout Kevin Stamford
snogged the face off me. - Ooh.
I've had my best sex in the dark.
Well, blokes prefer it, don't they?
All week I kept giving him
little smiles and he'd turn away.
Then one lunch break, he told me how
in the pantomine, in the blackout,
he'd grabbed Tracy Duggin
and snogged the face off her.
He thought I was Tracy.
No.
- Do you want to know the worst part?
- Go on.
He said she was a crap snog.
Oh, dear.
'Ere, I had my first kiss
when I was eight.
Samson his name was.
I'd gone up the back field
with my mate Patsy Clapp.
And there was this horse there
called Samson.
No.
No, Tom, it was an accident.
I yawned, he licked.
So this bloke you snogged. Was he
bi-whatsit, you know, bisexual?
No.
- Was he gay?
- No! He was straight!
What's the difference between
a bi-sexual and a straight man?
In my experience,
about six cans of lager.
That's great.
HE SOBS
Oi oi, oi, oi, oi.
Don't you
Gwyneth Paltrow it with me, mate.
I'm sick of it, Linda.
- What? - Everything, look at me.
- Which bit?
Will I always be the crap snog
who gets a bloke by mistake?
I'm nearly 30. I should be
out there enjoying myself,
not stuck in here
with a horse kisser!
Most people I know make punch and
first footers drop by and drink it.
They don't polish it off themselves.
God, you know,
all my friends are living together.
They have joint bank accounts.
They row and make up.
But I can't even do that can I? No.
They'll say,
"Tom Farrell, you're a crap snog."
- Oh, shut up about being a crap kisser.
- Well, it's true, isn't it?
How was it?
Crap.
It was even worse than Samson.
Shut up!
You're probably better with a bloke.
I did feel a bit of resistance
but that's just blokes, innit?
I wanted tonight to be special.
I thought it would all slip
into place. But it hasn't, has it?
Cos it's like every other night,
a shitty night in an endless row
of crappy, shitty, little nights.
They say people kill themselves
more at New Year.
That's cheered me up. Thanks a lot.
They used to say
the world was round.
THUDDING DANCE MUSIC FROM OUTSIDE
Maybe I should shut the front door?
Looks a bit desperate, doesn't it?
THE MUSIC GETS LOUDER
Stop enjoying yourselves!
BAGPIPES PLAY AULD LANG SYNE
CHEERING
- 'Ere.
- What?
The sun'll come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
that tomorrow, there'll be sun
Just thinking about tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs
and the sorrow
Till there's none
When I'm stuck with a day
that's grey and lonely
I just stick out my chin
and grin and say
"Oh" ♪
The sun'll come out tomorrow
So you gotta hang on
till tomorrow, come what may
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I'll love ya, tomorrow
You're always a day away
The sun'll come out tomorrow
So you've gotta hang on
till tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I'll love ya, tomorrow
You're always a day away. ♪