Marvel's Guardians Of The Galaxy (2015) s02e00 Episode Script

PETER: So long, Earth.
Nice visiting, but we got a galaxy to guard.
(BEEPING) Overweight? How can we be overweight? - I am Groot.
- Beats me.
- DRAX: I know nothing.
- It's a real puzzler.
(ALARM BLARING) (DOOR BEEPING) (YELLS) Drax the Destroyer must feed.
On a lifetime supply of corn dogs? Do you know how hard it is to get a full-body workout in space? Whoa! (ALARM CONTINUES BLARING) What? Duct tape is the stuff that binds the universe together.
It's also the stuff whose weight binds us to Earth's gravity.
We have to jettison it.
My duct tape saves lives.
You wanna chuck dead weight, how about I don't know Gamora's actual weights? My weights are vital to my training.
And I've saved more lives than tape.
Speaking of which They don't even use these cassette tapes on your planet anymore, Quill.
- Why did you buy them? - They were a bargain.
None shall remove my corn dogs! Keep your paws off my duct tape! I am not giving up my synthpop gold collection! I am Groot! ROCKET: What do you mean we're losing altitude? DRAX: He means the ship is rapidly plummeting back to the planet's surface.
- I know what he means! - PETER: Dump it! ROCKET: All of it? Drax will have his corn dogs! (YELLS) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) - Well, that's everything.
- Not quite.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) PETER: Wait! Let me keep Men Without Hats! Who knew they had a second hit? GAMORA: We're still losing altitude! Come on, bud.
You're gonna have to chuck your stuff, too.
I am Groot.
Hey, we all gotta make sacrifices.
I am Groot.
(BEEPS) (ENGINES POWER OFF) (ALL YELLING) If we survive this crash, will I have time to purchase more corn dogs? PETER: Star-Lord's Super-Awesome Adventure Log.
Mission status: currently battling our worst enemy, gravity.
Crash our ship, will ya? Yeah, you better run! Fly! Flutter! Whatever the flarg you do! Traitor! I am Groot.
Okay, I think we can all share the blame here.
We're a team effort.
Rocket, fix the ship.
(GRUNTS) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) Yeah, about that.
We're kind of short on parts.
DRAX: We are also short on time.
The ship is sinking into the swamp.
At this rate, we'll be completely submerged in a matter of hours.
(ALL YELL) (GRUNTS) Me and Groot can get started on repairs.
The rest of you have to split up and find the parts I need.
Gamora, get me a 300 micrometer frequency laser.
Quill, I need a stuffed animal.
A krutackin' huge one.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
That's a fake assignment.
Every time we split up, you always make me get something you don't really need, - and then you laugh about it later.
- It's real.
Okay, so then why can't Drax get it, and I'll get his part? (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Fine.
But remember, you asked for it.
(GUNFIRE) I changed my mind! I changed it! I want to get the stuffed animal! (GUNFIRE CONTINUES) Yo! Think fast! (GRUNTS) Okay, now think slow.
(GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (YELLS) (GRUNTS) Intruder! Put down the fusion reactor and surrender to Modok! (LAUGHING) Oh.
Oh.
Seriously, dude? You've got baby arms and legs.
MODOK: Physical might is hardly necessary when one possesses the power of the mind.
(GRUNTS) Whoa, whoa, whoa! (GRUNTING) (GROANS) Nice try, fathead, but (GRUNTS) (GROANS) (SIGHS) Okay, chubby cheeks, now you're making me mad.
Haven't you figured it out yet? I have the power to destroy you with your own weapon.
Well, the joke's on you there, Mighty Melon.
Only I can control my Element Blaster.
But I can control your hand.
(STRAINING) Hey! Hey! All right, quit it, Jumbo Jowls.
The name is Modok! And you will not interfere with my plans, whoever you are! (GRUNTING) Who's interfering? I just need to borrow your fusion reactor.
Unfortunately for you, it is a key component for my stasis weapon.
Once I deploy the missile, all of humanity will be rendered completely immobile.
Then Modok will reign supreme! (GRUNTS) Whoa! (STRAINING) Ah, the things I have to go through for one lousy, stupid fusion reactor! Oh, Rocket, you are so gonna owe me big-time.
(ALARM BLARING) (GASPS) (GRUNTING) (HUFFS) No one defeats Modok! You hear me? No one! If anyone asks, I'm saying I fought a 10-foot-tall dude who shoots flames out of his eyeballs.
(MUSIC PLAYING) I am Drax the Destroyer.
My chief engineer, Rocket, has charged me with a vital mission.
To retrieve an essential component for the repair of our ship.
I do not know your crime, hairy earthling, but you must tell me where I may obtain a "stuffed animal, period.
(SNORTING) "A krutackin' huge one, period.
" (GROWLING) You will give me the information I require.
Speak! (GROWLS AND ROARS) (BELL DINGS) Very well.
I will follow the sound of the bell, as you instruct.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (BELL DINGS) Clearly, this place is a prison for dangerous criminals.
Drax the Destroyer does not fear your devices of punishment.
(BELL DINGS) Nor will I be impaled like these beasts of burden.
(BELL DINGS) Test your strength! Ring the bell and win a prize! Step right up! Who's next? - Behold, my quarry, the stuffed animal! - Ring the bell and win a prize! Test your strength! Ring the bell and win a prize! Drax the Destroyer will win, as I win at all things! (GRUNTS) (BELL DINGS) And the tattooed man wins a prize! (SQUEAKS) This does not qualify as "krutacking huge.
" If you wanna win one of our top-tier prizes, then you'll need to try your luck at one of our other contests of skills and strength.
(SIGHS) Don't do it, pal.
We been trying to win our kids a Princess Strawberry Rainbow Goldenhair all day.
It's hopeless.
Drax the Destroyer does not know the meaning of "hopeless," nor the meaning of "Princess Strawberry Rainbow Goldenhair.
" But I once had a young one much like yourselves.
And I swear on my honor that I will defeat the evil liquid containers for you.
(GASPS) (GRUNTS) (YELLS) (GRUNTING) No! (YELLS) You deceive innocents for profit! (GASPS) This entire operation could not be more evil if it was run by Thanos himself! (GASPING) It must be destroyed! These devices of punishment will stand no more! (ALL SCREAMING) (YELLS) (SCREAMING CONTINUES) KIDS: Yay! (STUFFED ANIMALS SQUEAKING) Take my advice.
Leave this horrible place and never return.
I am Drax the Destroyer, and I have succeeded in my mission, as I succeed in all things.
(SCREAMING) (GROWLING) ROCKET: So, just as we're about to leave this stinking backwater planet, your krutackin' pet crashes our ship! What kind of name is Butterfly? I don't see no butter on that thing.
Ah! - I am Groot.
- Ugh! I know I unclogged the valve, bark-brain.
What are you still standing there for? Go start the engine.
(BEEPING) (GRUNTING) COMPUTER: System failure.
Unidentified anomaly detected.
(GRUNTS) (ALARM BLARING) Huh? (GRUNTS) I am Groot? What, do you got sap in your ears? I told ya to start the engine.
How'd you get up here so fast? I am Groot.
What do you mean you've been here the whole time? That's impossible.
Unless We got an intruder.
(YELLS) Huh? I am Groot.
No, it ain't my overactive imagination.
I'll prove it to ya! And don't just stand there.
Help me look for it! (SIGHS) I am Groot.
(SQUEAKS) (BEEPS) I am Groot! Groot! I told you it was (GROWLING) Hey! What did you do to my bud? (GROWLING) (GROWLING CONTINUES) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) Ah! (GROANING) Groot, you gotta help me, bud! That thing just fried my fur! (SIGHS) I am Groot.
It wasn't a joke.
I swear! (BLOWS LANDING) ROCKET: All right, Mucky, you're going down! (ROCKET YELLING) Huh.
I am Groot.
(CREATURE GROWLING) (STAMMERING) I am Groot! Told ya it was real! Whoa! (BOTH GRUNTING) I am Groot.
I am Groot! I am Groot! (SCREECHES) "Whatever knows fear burns at the touch of the Man-Thing"? - Who said that? - I am Groot! I ain't afraid (YELLS) (EXCLAIMS) Come and get me, ya walkin' wetland! (EXCLAIMS) (BEEPS) (LAUGHS) - I am Groot? - What are you talking about? This ship always had ejector seats.
The explosives, I added those later.
I am Groot.
I am Groot! ROCKET: Yeah, right.
Very funny.
Now who's got an overactive imagination? GAMORA: Rocket sent me to find a 300 micrometer frequency laser to repair the ship.
I knew the mission would be dangerous, but I never expected This.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (CHILDREN CLAMORING) (GASPS) (LAUGHS) (CLAMORING CONTINUES) (ALL LAUGHING) (CAMERA CLICKS) (BEEPING) Guys, wait! Wait! Happy birthday, Smell-bert.
(BEEPING) GAMORA: It reminded me of my training days under Thanos.
(BOYS LAUGHING) That's awesome.
But even Thanos lacked the cruelty of these young humans.
- We rule! - Laser tag champions! (BEEPS) 300 micrometer frequency.
Just what I'm looking for.
Next round.
I challenge you all.
I win, I keep your weapon.
What do we get if we win? Name it.
How about Albert has to do all our chores for the next six months? Mmm, no.
No way.
Don't worry, kid.
I got this.
(CHUCKLES) Three against one? You got a deal, lady.
(BELL RINGING) (ALL YELLING) What (GRUNTING) (GASPS) (BEEPS) Oh, that was awesome! Can you help me win the next round? Please? I don't have time for games, child.
But But it's my birthday party, and my brothers have been ganging up on me all day.
I know what it's like to be tormented by my siblings.
I won't help you, but I will train you.
(GASPS) (PANTING) (GRUNTS) (GROANS) (BEEPING) (GRUNTING) (BEEPING) (YELLS) (STRAINING) (GRUNTING) (GROANS) (GRUNTS) (PANTING) (LAUGHS) (BREATHING HEAVILY) (GRUNTS) (BEEPING) (GRUNTING) Ha! (PANTING) Yeah! (LAUGHS) Remember, it's not laser tag, it's laser war.
(BELL RINGING) Whoa! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (PANTING) (YELLING) (EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHS) (GRUNTS) (BEEPING) (LAUGHS) I did it! I beat all my brothers! Oh, thank you so much, Miss Miss? (KIDS CLAMORING) GAMORA: Maybe I should've stuck around for the kid.
But a righted wrong and a job well done are all the thanks I need.
Besides, my efforts didn't go entirely unrewarded.
PETER: Here they are, Rocket.
Every part you and Groot need to fix the ship and get us out of this swamp.
- Wasn't easy, but we got 'em.
- I disagree.
Obtaining this component was quite simple.
(SQUEAKS) Yeah, what happened to you? I don't want to talk about it.
The real question is, what happened to my ship? I am Groot.
I don't want to talk about it neither.
Oh, and it ain't your ship.
(RUMBLING) (ALL EXCLAIM) (SQUEAKS) (ALL YELL) (GROWLING) I am Groot? I don't know.
I thought we blew up that plant monster.
"Plant monster"? I said I don't wanna talk about it! Okay, man.
What did you do to tick this thing off? He's Rocket.
It doesn't take much.
You two get the engine fixed.
We'll hold off Booger-Saurus.
(RUMBLING) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (SQUEAKS) Ha! This stuffing will make perfect insulation for the laser.
I am Groot? Nah, I never needed that fusion reactor.
(CHUCKLES) Quill falls for it every time.
(ENGINE WHIRRING) Huh? Yes! That must be the fusion reactor.
Let's go.
(GROWLING) (GROWLS) Dude, where's my chair? I kind of blew it up.
Long story.
I am Groot.
I am Groot! Oh, now what? ROCKET: Well, if Fertilizer Face just told us we were polluting his home instead of attacking us, we might have done something about it.
I am Groot.
'Cause I got a strict policy against helping any waste product that tries to waste me.
I am Groot! (SIGHS) Fine.
So how come a walking sludge pile can tell you, "Whatever knows fear burns at the touch of the Man-Thing," but he can't say, "Your ship's sprung a leak"? I am Groot.
ROCKET: (CHUCKLES) You're welcome.
Now that fiasco is over, I built you a new chair.
Out of a fusion reactor? Hey! There's that krutackin' moth that crashed our ship in the first place! Oh, let him keep it.
GROOT: I am Groot! (GUARDIANS GROANING) Ho-ho! The treacherous bug must pay! (GUARDIANS GROANING) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)