Mr. Mayor (2021) s02e00 Episode Script

1 Welcome to the Mayor's office.
You're just in time to meet everyone before we head home to our loving families.
Plus, my mom's new boyfriend, Blandon.
This guy who's disgusted by my sandwich is Tommy, our Chief Strategist.
Why does it smell like maple syrup plus hospital? And this woman over here who's dressed like she's gonna teach us about jungle birds at Busch Gardens is our Deputy Mayor, Arpi.
I don't high-five anymore.
It appropriates pimp culture.
In that office is Chief of Staff, Mikaela, up to some important city biz no doubt.
I just feel like there is a lack of transparency over how transparent your leggings are.
Ooh, and this delicious silver fox is the main man himself, Mayor Neil Bremer.
It's the most wonderful time of the year, sir.
Oh, for me that's the Buick classic.
But this is pretty good, too.
And who am I? Well, I'm just little old Jayden, and I make the sweet filling for the Mayor's piehole.
I'm his Communications Director.
Seems like a real fun ensemble.
Where do you want this? Happy holidays from LA! [bright music.]
So do you think this'll be a half-day or what? Oh, of course, I mean, it's bad enough the Mayor made us come in on LA Christmas Eve.
Christmas Eve? It's the 22nd.
Yeah, exactly, it's the three to seven days before Christmas when everyone leaves to go celebrate someplace human.
What? LA Christmas is the best.
Everyone's all bundled up in light sweaters sitting on sexy Santa's lap at the Beverly Center.
No, thank you.
Hey, if my flight's at 4:00, when should I leave for LAX? Do you have TSA PreCheck? Oh, honey, you're gonna die here.
But if I miss that flight, I have no backup plan.
Please, hot Filipino Jesus, don't let me spend Christmas in Los Angeles.
Hey, look, I know this isn't the first place that everyone thinks of when they think Christmas, but it's because LA doesn't have a good Christmas song, which is why I have been working on one for 15 years.
It's halfway done.
Oh, you don't have to sing it.
- Oh, are you okay.
- There's no snow in sight Say the weather folks And it's hard as a crotch out in Sherman Oaks - Nuh-uh.
- Gonna be a no from me, dawg.
Why are you all still here? - Have we been released? - No, what's the Mayor waiting for? - Oh, dear God, this is a disaster.
- What? The gifts I ordered my staff are delayed in transit.
Why can't people just get them when they get back? And think that I'm a chiseler who bought them on sale on the 26th? No, no, no way.
You know, it's really hard to be a wealthy person this time of year.
- Dad, no.
- Everybody expects a gift.
Your staff, your housekeepers, your masseuse, your pool guy, the pool guy's son who's just sort of around once December starts.
His name is Raphael, and he's a grout artist.
I know, and I got him a cashmere beret.
When I was growing up, I didn't get anything at Christmas.
Because your family's Jewish.
But also poor.
Oh, I spent so much time and money getting everyone monogrammed garment bags, and now they're not gonna make it.
Monogrammed garment bags? I'm not getting one, am I? Hey, sorry to interrupt, but can either of you think of a Christmassy word that rhymes with horchata? Not now, Jayden.
A little bent, but I'll try it.
Now I gotta get something else here.
People don't want more things.
An experience is way more meaningful, like how we all went to Vegas for Ceviche's birthday.
Vegas? When was that? Disney, Dad, better turn your hearing thing up.
An experience? You know something? That's helpful.
Thank you.
No, Spirit Airlines.
The one time I need you to be trash, you're on time? Hey, so if you end up getting stuck here, you're totally welcome to pretend to be bi and say you're my boyfriend at my parents' house.
What? No.
I can't take another Christmas Eve where I'm the only single adult in my family.
I want someone to make snide comments with or kiss under the mistletoe, our breath rich with Andes mints and ham.
Sorry, but I'm catching my flight to PA, and then I'm going to the Wawa where "Mare of Easttown" and my cousin Nico were shot.
Oh, great.
Now this dill weed, Patrick, City Council's videographer.
Okay, tension.
Of course, I'm tense.
That guy's the worst.
Really? He's giving me sad Pa Ingalls vibes, like after Mary goes blind.
I'm into it.
There's definitely an energy between you.
Like, you're the two hottest people at a Rite Aid, and you know it.
No, man, he's always been rude to me.
The day I got sworn into City Council, I asked him for a copy of the video, and he told me he lost it.
And this is back when the tapes were, like, this big, liar.
Hey, does anyone have a festive rhyme for "Pink's Hot Dogs"? Twink's eggnogs.
I am telling you Arpi, this is the holiday romance that we all need, and I am gonna prove it to you.
Stop pointing at him.
Ms.
Shaw, Department of Transportation on line one.
Oh, great, thanks.
Maybe they wanna French me in my childhood bedroom.
Everybody, I have an announcement to make.
My personal gifts for you will not be arriving in time for the holidays.
So stick around because I have a new gift coming, an experience.
Sir, a little issue, you know how people here dump their trees on the curb by December 22nd because everyone leaves because LA Christmas is the worst? Yeah, no kidding.
Well, apparently the Santa Ana winds are blowing the discarded trees onto roads and causing some pretty severe traffic problems.
Aha, see, that's what messed up my garment bags.
Oh no, we're getting garment bags? Disgusting, you know how many Angelenos can't even afford a Christmas tree while rich scum just throw them away.
Okay, well, you know, some rich scum are doing their best.
Tommy, call sanitation, handle this before you leave, please.
Excuse me, Tommy Tomás from the Mayor's office.
I couldn't find anyone upstairs.
Well, yeah, 'cause all the bosses are gone already.
Well, Cesar.
Oh, good job reading my name tag.
We need teams dispatched ASAP to remove discarded Christmas trees.
Yo, I saw that on the news.
Cars were bonking like Mario Kart.
We can get some guys out, but we're gonna need quadruple overtime for working on Christmas.
But it's the 22nd.
Yeah, which is LA Christmas Eve.
All my best guys are gone already.
They're in Tulum, Kauai, Jackson Hole.
Boy, you guys make more than me.
I'm down to my skeleton crew, which is what I call my guys with the weakest arms.
- Oh.
- If you want the big boys back, we're gonna need that quad.
- No, I can't authorize quad.
I - [phone buzzes.]
Sir, the Mayor is not asking.
He's telling you to do your jobs.
And what am I supposed to do with all those Christmas trees? I don't care where you put them.
Just put them.
I knew it.
What? It's just work.
No, it's not.
All your footage is of Arpi.
This is the Keira Knightley story in "Love Actually," the greatest Christmas rom-com ever.
No, "Elf.
" I told Arpi, I saw the way you looked at her.
I knew it was love.
Arpi knows who I am? Hey, you can't just sit here pining after her.
Do something.
Learn Portuguese.
What? I don't know.
Colin Firth does that.
I'm just excited.
Whoa, my pine-scented candle is getting it done.
Oh, wait, no, it's all those Christmas trees.
What the hell is this? Is it Christmas magic? Wait, has anyone run into a mysterious new janitor that may or may not be Santa? Oh, come on, Sanitation.
You're dumping the trees here? Hey, tell your boss, this is like a baby saying curse words, not cute, not funny.
He's gonna disagree with you on that reference.
Every Christmas, the office empties out and I get real work done.
When are you letting these turkeys go home? As soon as I dazzle everyone with my generosity.
Do you like this time of year? Part of it, pfeffernuesse, that Mariah Carey song, "Touch My Body.
" It really stresses me out.
I feel like I'm never doing enough.
That's because you've bought into the consumer's perversion of the Christian rip-off of a pagan solstice celebration.
Okay, road closed, withdrawn.
Arpi, a Christmas miracle is happening.
The footage, Patrick's footage.
It's all you.
- He's, like, obsessed with you.
- I'll call security.
No, no, Arpi, don't you get it? You're in a Christmas rom-com.
What's Christmas got to do with romance? There's nothing romantic about pushing out a baby in a donkey stall.
All I've ever wanted my whole post-puberty life was to be in love at Christmas.
And if we are in a "Love Actually," I'm, like, lucky if I'm the woman trying to steal Snape from Emma Thompson.
I have nothing, Arpi.
I need you to take this seriously.
Patrick is in love with you, and now you get to do what Keira Knightley couldn't pull off back in the day.
And I don't mean low-rise jeans with a bralette.
I just want the office to myself so I can work, and now I'm dealing with this moon-eyed nonsense? Yes, yes, a million times.
Yes.
Whoa, hey, stop! Why are you doing this? Hey, you told me you didn't care where we put the trees, so [whistles.]
Come on, man.
We're in the same boat here.
Look, I will figure out how to get you double overtime.
Deal? All right, deal, my new friend, Tommy.
Glad to hear it, my new friend Oh, God, what's his name? I know it's a kind of salad.
Caprese.
Caprese, what the hell? And I remembered his name.
Not cool.
[soft music.]
Hey, everyone, gather around please, and prepare yourself for the mind-blowing mentalism of Mr.
Taryn DiGiacomo.
Ha! Okay, now you may have seen Taryn's incredible streaming special, "Mind Jacker: Wondermind," or if you were like me, you had the privilege of seeing him work up close and personal at Eric Schmidt's 60th birthday party.
Why would I have been there? Linda, I don't know your life.
Anyway, I was able to book him last minute to perform for us today.
It's well, it's my gift to you.
And you'll still be getting the monogrammed garment bags sometime in the new year.
Monogrammed? I can't re-gift that.
The heart is a muscle.
The brain is a muscle.
- Not true.
- The more I use my heart, the more my brain can know about you.
You sir, how many meals have you had today? One.
And how many wings do birds have? Nine.
And how old would you say I am? Oh, that feels like a trap.
Hmm, is this the address of your childhood home? Yes, can I get on a plane and go there now, please? "You should have gotten TSA PreCheck.
" You see, it's magic, but it's also funny.
All right, just leave.
You sir, what is your name? Guess.
Well, you're too old to be a Jayden.
Oh, my gosh, you're exactly right, I am.
This guy is the real deal, folks.
Also, your heart didn't beat that entire time.
- I'd get that checked out.
- Thank you.
Oh.
"Because it's LA Christmas, and at Christmas, you tell the truth.
" What? That's not a thing.
"I have loved you from afar, "but you always felt so close - because of my zoom lens.
" - Oh, brudder.
No, this happens to Keira Knightley in the movie.
The guy holds signs at close range like this? So her husband won't hear, yes.
Why doesn't he need just whisper? Why risk getting caught holding a stack of incriminating signs? Hey, guys, quiet.
He's about to guess Orly's favorite restaurant? Is it Matsuhisa Aspen? Yeah, but isn't that everyone's favorite restaurant? Sorry, I hear it.
Damn you, Cobb.
I'm getting corn, or masa.
- Look at your phone.
- [phone chimes.]
She just got a text.
Right when he said that.
It's my grandchildren making tamales.
Usually, I'm there by now.
Can I go? Yeah, once the sad guy says things to us, are we allowed to go? No because he does a really cool thing with everyone at the end that's gonna make us all feel connected.
Taryn, what's next, buddy? Intermission.
Do you have to take the intermission? For reasons I can't go into, yes.
Hello, Taryn.
Oh, I'm kind of on a break now.
Okay, well, you're not a very good mentalist.
You don't remember that we matched a couple years ago on Bumble, and then you never answered.
- Uh-huh.
- Well, here's another chance.
My family does this Christmas thing.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I met someone on there, and we're married now.
She's a retired ballerina.
Her breasts got too large to continue dancing.
Oh, well, good for you.
Best wishes.
One more thing, will I find love in the coming year? I'm not a psychic.
I'm a mentalist.
But just like, as a person, I will say you vibrate desperation.
Oh, thank you for your feedback.
Happy holidays.
Mikaela, wait.
You were right.
I'm gonna go for it with Patrick because love is possible.
Arpi, yes, yes, run to him! Run as fast as your bone density allows.
[dramatic music.]
Why are you being so mean to me? - I thought we were friends.
- Me too, bro.
And you didn't even know my name.
Now you're gonna know it.
'Cause it's spelled out on your car in pine sap.
[phone buzzes.]
Well, I just missed my flight.
I hope you're happy.
All I wanted to do was get home to my Lola, sit on her plastic-covered couch, and eat bebinca together, and this was my last chance.
She's not dying, I just plan on doing keto in the new year.
Nah, nah, nah.
I'm the mean character here.
Okay, I hate Christmas time because in this time of giving, nobody ever thinks about us.
We're invisible elves.
Just one day, one day, I'd like to feel like Santa.
Yeah, well, I might have an idea that would make being in LA for Christmas slightly less than terrible and let you be Santa.
[upbeat music.]
Patrick, wait! There's a woman watching us right now for that building behind us.
That woman thinks everything you did today was romantic because she's been brainwashed by some British people.
What you did today is not romantic, it's weird.
And "Love Actually" sounds like a deeply problematic movie.
One of the stories is Bilbo Baggins shooting a porno on Christmas.
But, Arpi, I just wanna film you forever.
Listen to yourself, man.
Look, I hate all of this, but I care deeply about my friend up there, and I want her to believe that "Love Actually" exists actually, so this is for her.
Now I'm gonna whisper a list of free mental health resources available through city funding because you need serious help.
I don't really work here.
[sighs.]
Leslie, eyes on Taryn.
Okay, listen.
Tough love right now.
Dad, you're bad at gifts.
What? What about that beautiful candelabra I got you? I was nine and not Liberace.
And don't bring up the dollhouse when you said I couldn't touch it because it was an antique that had belonged to French royalty.
Because it did.
And you shouldn't.
You're super generous, but Christmas makes you weird.
Just let all these people go home.
The queen of diamonds is in your mouth, sir.
Oh, hey.
All right, there Taryn.
Thank you so much.
That'll be enough.
All right, everybody, go on home.
[cheers and applause.]
But you know what? You all are ungrateful.
Do you have any idea how much time I spent picking the monogram fonts on those garment bags? I found out all of your middle names! Yeah, Anna, Anna, Eduardo, Anna, Moon-system.
But you don't appreciate that! And yes, it stinks to be poor at Christmas.
No one wants to hear this, but it really stinks for millionaires.
- Okay, thanks for watching - It does.
Don't forget to smash that like button.
Tell you what? Go on, go home.
Seriously, go on.
Get out of here.
Take these stupid trees with you.
[dramatic music.]
Not me, I don't do fire stuff.
- My words, my beautiful words! - Oh, no.
My song is gone, and I never got to sing it.
Jayden, I am so sorry.
You've made a fool out of me.
And you've made the life I lead foolish, too.
Emma Thompson.
I told you, love is all around us.
You were right, and now Patrick and I are lovers.
Thanks.
Hey, Arpi, can I talk to you for a minute? I feel like I've ruined everyone's Christmas.
Yes, sir.
What's your question? Why am I so terrible at this? Every year I go all out.
I try to dazzle people.
Well, there it is.
You're trying to show off, instead of thinking about what people really want.
You know what I just gave Mikaela? I kissed a weirdo because that's what she needed.
Giving a good gift isn't about what you want.
It's about what the recipient wants.
Of course.
Oh, my God, it's like sex.
Why haven't I ever connected this before? Probably because it's mostly a holiday for children.
No, but I get it.
I really get it.
Hey, everyone, hey, listen up.
I am sorry that I made today about me instead of about your pleasure.
Oh, gross, sir, but we all forgive you.
Thanks, Tommy, yeah, not Jayden.
I destroyed his Christmas song.
No amount of money is gonna bring that back.
Wait, can you call Taryn DiGiacomo? I mean, maybe he can Use his mental powers to guess the lost lyrics? Yes, I'm still here because my Lyft canceled because traffic's a mess.
Flag on the play.
No one goes home.
Damn it, man.
Hey, can you do that? Can you mentalize Jayden's song back? Again, I'm not a psychic.
I just read body language.
Okay, some of what I do involves hiding microphones in bathrooms, but I did not do that here because it was too short notice.
How are you married and I'm not? What I do do is thin-slice people by asking questions.
For example, if the guy was here, I would ask, "Jayden, what's your favorite color?" - ALL: Yellow.
- 'Cause minions.
Jayden, what's a three-digit number that's important to you? ALL: Seven, eight, nine.
It's why six is afraid of seven.
Boy, we know that kid really well, don't we? You know what? Maybe I can do this.
Maybe Taryn DiGiacomo can finally prove to his father that mentalism is a valued Taryn, you're not the main character.
Orly, get some paper.
[soft music.]
Stop prank knocking! I know you're retired, but you have to find a new hobby, Mrs.
Chen! Jayden, we've got something for you.
There's no snow in sight say the weather folks It's still hot as a crotch out in Sherman Oaks But the fires have died and there's a little less smoke Now it's Christmas in LA There's no Jack Frost nipping your redone nose But no one will ask why your forehead's froze And that filler sure makes your cheekbones glow Yes, it's Christmas in LA [together.]
In LA There's a fistfight at the Trader Joe's on Vine And a pileup on the ten They found a human head by the Hollywood sign It's Christmas Eve again [together.]
Eve again [soft music.]
Is that your song? No, but I loved every word of it.
We may not have ice skates or sleds that soar But we've got horchata and Pauly Shore Grab a Pink's hot dog Drink a twink's eggnog, for its Christmastime LA It may not be the ushe, but if I can choose I'd still spend my Christmas here with you It's ashing!