Up Pompeii (1970) s02e00 Episode Script

1 (LAUGHTER AND SCREECHING) WOMAN: Lurcio, where's the jelly? You haven't bought those three jars yet? (LURCIO STUTTERING) No, I -You're behaving in a very incompetent manner! -Yes.
-Really, do do it.
Hurry up! -Yes.
All right, mistress.
All right, all right.
Dear, oh, dear, I can't do everything at once.
Go here, go there.
I mean, it drives me mad.
Rushing around these orgies, these They get me down.
Who would be a slave? Oh, you're here already! I'm so sorry, excuse me.
Do you know something? You couldn't have come at a worse time.
We're right in the middle of an orgy.
We are.
We're right in the middle Listen.
We're right in the middle of an orgy.
And you know what that means, don't you? Well, if you don't, you're wasting your time watching this show, I'll tell you that.
-Lurcio, Lurcio, where are you? -I'm here, mistress.
-Well, what are you doing? -Well, I was talking to the assembled multitudes.
-You see -You haven't got time to do that.
-Don't I? -No, no.
No, I'm afraid the wine is running out.
-Really? -Mmm.
Where from? No, no, no, Lurcio.
I mean, we need more.
Oh, I see.
Well, I'll rush down to the cellar and tread some more grapes.
Oh, no, no.
I'd much rather you stayed here.
-Here? -Mmm.
On guard.
-On guard? -Yes, I wouldn't want the master to come home unexpectedly and find us in flagrante delicto, if you know what I mean.
Oh, I know what you mean.
That's a slang expression, a slang expression for what is technically known as "an all-in bash", that's right.
Yes, well, I mean, not that we're doing anything wrong, of course.
Oh, no, mistress.
I'm sure you're doing everything right.
Well, I mean, the scandal would be ruinous for him, now that he's president of the Clean-up Pompeii Committee.
Not for naught is he called "Ludicrus the pawn breaker".
Now, Lurcio Where's the? Ludicrus the pawn breaker.
Now, Lurcio, I really do rely on you to keep him out.
Yes, well, don't worry, the mistress, don't worry.
He'll enter those portals over my dead body.
Oh, lovely.
And you can rely on me, Lurcio, if he should, I shall give you a splendid burial.
(EXCLAIMING) She would, too, you know.
Oh, she could be nasty when she wants to.
That's, of course That's my mistress, Ammonia.
My life, that's my mistress.
Well, I say "mistress", I don't mean we have a I mean No, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What I mean is, I have to serve her.
No! What I mean is Look, if she wants anything, I have to give it.
Look, if she fancies a bit of (STAMMERING) You're deliberately misunderstanding me, and you know you are.
What I'm trying to say is this: I'm at everyone's beck and call.
Beck and call.
Now, I don't mind the calling so much, but the becking (EXCLAIMING) The becking doesn't half take it out of you, believe me (SHRIEKING AND LAUGHING) Doesn't seem to take it out of her, does it? Now, listen, you know me.
I'm the last one to talk about anyone behind their backs.
I mean, you know that.
But round here, my mistress is known as the "mini egg", because she's so easily laid.
Because she's so Oh, shut your faces.
Ah, well, never mind.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, where was we? Ah, yes.
Greetings, good citizens.
The prologue.
Let us now commence.
The Oh, cold! They might warm these stones up.
Oh dear.
Talk about a cold front round the pharaohs.
(EXCLAIMING) Now, notwithstanding, but with gingerly sitting, we now We now come to the prologue.
(IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE) Now, our story today It's this cold stone.
Now, our story today, is one beloved by young and old alike.
It is a beautiful, a charming, romantic ethereal legend.
The Rape of the Sabine Women.
Oi! (STAMMERING) Oh, well, you've That just missed me.
-Oh, more's the pity.
-Oh.
-Oh, it's you.
-Yes, it's me, madam, yes.
Kindly make less noise.
Of course, madam.
To hear is to obey.
Thank you very, very much.
You're very, very welcome.
Cow! Well, she is.
That's Hernia.
That's That's our next door neighbour, Hernia.
She's very aptly named, too, may I say.
Ooh, she's ever so Ooh.
You know, ooh, very much like that, you know.
You know her type, all fur coat, no knickers, you know.
Oh, she is.
She gives herself airs.
Yes.
Just 'cause once she was a vestal virgin.
She was.
Your pardon, you.
That woman used to be a vestal virgin.
She used to have a good job there, till she went and lost it.
Don't ask me how.
The mind boggles.
Ooh! No, apparently it was something that happened in the Appian Way.
See, it's her own fault.
I told her, she should have stuck to the good old Roman way, but she won't be told.
She said it to herself.
She said it to herself.
Now, where was we? Yes.
The prologue.
(GROANING) Now, it came to pass -Woe, woe, thrice, woe! -Oh, no Here she is, Senna the soothsayer.
And a little Senna goes a long way, as you know.
(WAILING) Beware! Oh, yes, yes, yes.
She's gonna do She's gonna do her wailing bit, now Beware! The time is coming, the end is nigh! Beware! She's having a wail of a time.
A wail of a Now, she'll do her prostrating bit.
Now, look, she's prostrating.
That's not That's very difficult.
Have you ever prostrated yourselves? It's not easy with tight drawers, I'll tell you that, is it? I have peered into my crystal ball and seen queer happenings.
Have you? You can peer in there, dear, you'll have the shock -The shock of your life, dear.
-What was that? -Who speak? -I speak.
'Tis I who speak, Lurcio who speaketh, here.
It is Lurcio, here.
'Course, she can't hear a thing, not a thing, you know.
-Lurcio speak.
-Oh, yes, I know you.
-Yeah.
-Ludicrus Sextus' old slave.
-Yes, well, not that old, dear.
-Beware, beware, beware! And not that young, either.
Please.
She doesn't care what she does, you know.
Through my crystal ball, I have a terrible portents.
Yeah, look, you must go see a doctor about those.
I keep telling you, you must take care of yourself, dear.
Yes, you see.
Excuse me a second, you see.
'Cause in the old days, in the old days they used to consult the oracle.
But these days it's all crystal balls, you see.
Crystal balls.
-What was that? -I was just telling them I was just telling them how you soothsaid, you see, you see.
It's all balls.
But I have only one, you know.
I know, you and the Senator Hall.
(LAUGHING) Oh, dear.
She's a case, isn't she? -Beware! -Yes.
Your master's household has incensed the gods.
My master's household? Well, it can't be my master, I'll tell you that.
He's down the Senate.
He's probably fast asleep by now, anyway.
-You have been warned! -Who, me? The holocaust is nigh! Oh, woe, woe, woe, and thrice woe! Poor soul.
No, don't No, don't laugh.
It's wicked to mock the afflicted.
'Cause she had a funny life, you know.
Oh, yes, what with one thing and another.
And another, and another, and another.
Oh, well, never mind.
Where were we before I was so sadly interpolated? Oh, yes, the prologue.
Makes a change, doesn't it? Here we are.
The prologue.
Now, it came to pass NAUSIUS: Mater.
Mater, where are you? Scottus Maximus! "Scottus Maximus", Great Scott.
I can't explain them all, we shall be here all night.
It's witty, some of this, isn't it? -NAUSIUS: Mater! -Isn't it Oh, it's Nausius, Nausius, my master's young son.
Oh, bliss.
She loves me.
She loves me not.
She loves me.
She loves me not.
Funny boy.
Well, I say funny, I don't mean, sort of I don't mean, sort of peculiar.
No, but I mean, you see, I don't think he's ever had a good, you know No, how can How can one put it? I don't think he's ever He's had a sheltered life, you see.
And he's never, erm How can one put it? Well, that's his problem, you see? How can one put it? -Greetings, young master.
-Oh, Lurcio, dear old retainer.
Well, yes, master.
-Is my mater in? -No, she's not in.
She wasn't expecting you.
In fact, she wasn't expecting anybody, you see.
-Oh, cruel, cruel fate.
-Yes, I know.
Mine's just the same.
It's treading those grapes.
-Lurcio.
-Yes.
Wait a minute, give them a chance to laugh.
We haven't got so many that we can afford to lose them.
See, "grapes", "fate".
Fate, you see.
Treading grapes It's gonna be a terrible night, I can tell you that.
-Lurcio, something's happened.
-What? -I must tell someone.
-Yes.
-Lurcio.
-What? -I'm enamoured.
-You're what? -I'm enamoured.
-You aren't! He's enamoured.
-Lurcio, and this time I've really done it.
-You have? Yes, it's happened at last.
I thought it never would.
Yeah, we all thought it never would.
-Oh, Lurcio, I can't tell you how wonderful it feels.
-Oh, good.
It's just like when I had my first pony.
Well, there's not much There's not much difference, I suppose.
As long as you don't keep falling off.
-Yes.
Yes.
-Tell me, Lurcio.
How can I win her affections? You mean, you haven't actually, sort of Oh, dear.
How can I put this delicately? You mean, you haven't cut yourself off a slice yet? What mean you, Lurcio? We haven't even spoken to one another.
Well, that's very, very difficult, isn't it? Oh, well, don't you worry yourself, dear old retainer.
I'll go into the house and await my mater's return.
She'll advise me.
Yes.
No, you can't! Not in the house.
You can't do that.
-But she's very good at it.
-Oh, yes, we all know that much.
No Ah! Look, I tell you what.
Go to the apothecary, the apothecary at Castor and Pollux.
-Castor and Pollux? -Pollux.
Pollux.
Yes.
The apothecary.
Yes.
The apothecary where your mother took you.
Do you remember? To buy you that little rubber duck for your bath.
You remember that? Oh, do you really think the one I adore would like a little rubber duck? Look, you can buy other things at the apothecary -except little rubber ducks, you see? -Oh, what other things? Well, something to, you know, sort of (COOING) A bit higher than that.
Don't you try, you'll hurt yourself.
No, just Yes, that's right.
-A love filter.
-A love filter? Is there such a thing? -Yes, you pop it into her drink.
-And then what? You give it to her.
-Oh, dare I? -Yes, you dare.
-Go on.
Yes.
-Dare I? -All right, I will.
I'll go straightaway.
-Yes.
-Oh, oh, Lurcio.
-Yes.
What exactly shall I ask for? How far do you want to go with this girl? Just from our house to the main square.
In that case, I suggest double strength for you.
-Double strength.
-Double strength.
-Yes.
-Oh, thank you, Lurcio.
Dear old retainer.
-Now -LUDICRUS: Lurcio! Lurcio! Oh, dear.
That sounds like my master, Ludicrus Sextus.
Oh, it is.
Oh, look at him, poor old soul.
He's past it.
It's a shame.
-(VOICE TREMBLING) Oh, Lurcio.
-Ah, master.
How thankful I am to see you.
Oh, what ails you? I've never seen you so full of ale.
(MOANING) Oh, the most distressing experience, Lurcio.
-Most distressing.
-Oh, there, there, there.
There, there, there, there, there.
(SOBBING) Ever so there, there, there All together this time.
-There, there, there.
-AUDIENCE: There, there, there, there.
Aw A terrible thing happened to me at the Senate meeting today, Lurcio, terrible.
You mean you woke up? No, no, no.
Far worse than that.
I couldn't sleep.
No, I haven't slept for 12 hours.
Oh, I must lie down.
-Is it true? Oh, yes.
-Lurcio, help me indoors.
That's right, yes No! You can't! You can't go No.
Not in there.
I want to see my dear wife.
Yes, you can't.
She's not in.
She's gone down to the Colosseum, you see.
They're throwing some Christians to the lions.
And you know how she likes a good cry.
I don't understand, Lurcio.
She told me she hadn't got much on today.
Well, she's -She's got even less on now.
-What? (SHOUTING) Now that she knows the master's back! Stop! Don't shout at me like that, Lurcio.
I wasn't shouting, master.
I was merely murmuring (SHOUTING) the master's back! Stop it at once, Lurcio.
I am not deaf! No, I know you're not.
-Is there nobody at home? -Nobody at all, master, nobody at all.
That means everyone except me, you see.
I'm here.
(SHRIEKING) I thought you said there was no one at home? That's right, only me.
-Well, who was that, then? -Who was what? -That pretty young lady.
-What pretty young lady? The one who was pursued by that gladiator -with the rather large -Gladiator with the rather large? -Oh, no, no, the young lady.
-Oh, the lady.
-No, I never saw any lady.
-Oh, Lurcio, am I seeing things? No, master, but listen.
Come over here.
-I've got to reprimand you.
-What? Yes, you've left off your red flannel ones.
-I know you have.
Yes, you have.
-What? -You've been very naughty.
-Oh.
-Now, go back to the Senate and have a good Z's.
-No, I don't feel at all well, Lurcio.
-I must lie down.
-No, no! You can't lie There's This Look.
Come and have a sit down.
-You really think, Lurcio? -Yes, sit over here, quietly, there.
That's right No, no, no! I'll warm it up first.
(BLOWING) See, mustn't arouse your instincts, must we? Not at your age.
There we are.
Now, I'll go Look, I'll go and get you a nice glass of asses' milk, you see.
Don't worry.
The mistress has left plenty in her bath.
No, no, no, Lurcio.
What I want is a good, strong sleeping draught.
Now, run to the apothecary's at once and get me one.
-Apothecary's? But, I can't.
I -Why not? Why I can't I'm in the middle of the prologue, you see.
It's the rape of the Sabine women.
You can stop, can't you? Well, it's not easy, not in mid-rape.
Lurcio, if you don't go at once, I'll have you soundly whipped this very evening.
Oh, "soundly whipped this very evening".
Just a thong at twilight.
Thong at twilight! -Lurcio, Lurcio, Lurcio! -Oh, shut your faces.
I was just talking to them.
-At once! -All right.
Just Well, sit down there, then.
Sit on the bench, there.
Now, promise me you Promise me you won't leave.
Yes, yes.
-You'll sit there quietly, now, won't you? -Yes, yes.
-Senator's honour? -Yes, yes! -See this wet, see this dry -Lurcio! All right, yes, master.
All right.
All right.
(WHISPERING) Now, I'm relying on you.
Make sure he stays here.
Don't let him go in the house, you understand? Make sure he stays (MOANING) Oh, great heavens.
I don't feel at all well.
Grant me the boon of a sound sleep.
Great Jupiter, give it to me, give it to me.
Great Jupiter, what was that? Senator Ludicrus.
I'm most terribly sorry.
I had no idea it was you.
Oh, look at my toga.
It's ruined with all this compost.
What am I going to do? Oh, my dear senator, you poor man.
I wouldn't have done that to you for anything.
Oh, come inside and get those clothes off immediately.
-What? -Yes, I insist on cleaning them.
No, no, no, madam, I wouldn't put you to that trouble.
Oh, but I insist.
Besides, I would welcome a little company.
-Would you? -Rather.
It's a long time since I had a bit, you know.
I think I have it.
Master, now did you get it all right? -Don't interrupt me, Lurcio.
-Huh? I'm just completing an ode to my love.
Ode to your love? There.
-Read it, Lurcio.
-What, me? -Please.
-What, here? -Please.
-Aloud? -Of course.
-Well, on your head be it.
Title.
"Ode To My True Love.
" Ah, sweet.
"I ne'er beheld such a", oh, I'll start again.
"I I" Shut your faces.
"I ne'er beheld such a wondrous pair" Here we go.
Straight in, no hanging about, you see.
-Get on with it.
-All right, yes, all right.
All right.
"I ne'er beheld such a wondrous pair of eyes" Oh, I see.
Yes.
Well, I thought for a minute So did you.
Yes, you did.
So, don't look at me.
Now.
So, where (LURCIO MUMBLING) "I ne'er beheld such a wondrous pair of eyes Like jewel-filled lockers.
" I should get the old folks to bed, now, if I were you.
I think it's best.
It might It might arouse them, yes.
"Like jewel-filled lockers but fit for a queen, the finest I've seen are her two magnificent dimples.
" No, I know it's not a proper rhyme, but I'll think of one in a minute.
You dare.
You dare.
There you are, young man.
One love filter.
-Ten drachmas.
-Ten drachmas.
And what's your pleasure? I'm not telling you.
That's my business.
What can I do for you? By the look of you, very little, I should think.
Now, look, I want a nice, strong sleeping draught, please.
Sleeping draught? What for? Not what for, what for whom, because it's for my master.
A nice, strong sleeping draught, you see.
So, something to knock him out.
Something to knock him out.
Have you tried a fist? (CHUCKLING) "Have you tried a fist"! I don't like that man.
Now, master is gone.
Have you? Here! -There.
Yes, young master.
That's all right.
-I'm sorry, Lurcio.
-I was just thinking of her.
-Were you? -So gentle, pure and chaste.
-Ah, chaste.
-Her very name is music to my ears.
-Ah, you know her name, then.
-Oh, yes, it's Scrubba.
-Yes.
Pardon? Scrubba.
Scrubba.
Such a pretty name.
-Scrubba! -Yes.
Oh, I know her, yes.
That's the daughter of Senator Bilius, isn't it? -The very one.
You know her, then? -Yes.
Yes, she left your house only a moment ago.
-My house? -She Uh.
Well, I cannot imagine what she was doing there.
Yeah, well, perhaps it's just as well.
She -What mean you, Lurcio? -What mean me? Well, what mean me is this.
This is what me means.
Me means Er, me This is Wednesday, isn't it? Yes, Wednesday, that's right.
Yes.
Well, me means that your Your mother is holding her Wednesday sewing circle, you see.
-Oh, and Scrubba was at it.
-I think you could say that.
I'm told she's a regular little sew-and-sew.
There you are.
One strong sleeping draught.
-Oh, heaven, I must high me to her house at once.
-There we are.
Master, before you high, don't forget your love filter.
-Oh, yes, of course.
-Yes, that's it.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Master.
Don't forget to take your tablets.
Take your tablets.
Not that he'll need it.
That girl Scrubba needs a love filter like Rome needs an empire.
"Like Rome needs an empire"! Like (COUGHING) Go on.
Make the most of your farewell performance.
That'll be 10 drachmas.
-That'll be what? -Ten drachmas.
Ten drachmas? This is outrageous! Why, in Pompeii it costs as much for a good sleep as it does for a good anything.
-Ten drachmas.
-Thank you, sir.
No, thank you, Master Castor.
Pollux.
Likewise, I'm sure.
Master.
There we are.
There's the sleeping draught.
Now, where's he gone? Master! Oh! I asked you to keep an eye on him.
Now, didn't I ask you? He hasn't You're very naughty, you know.
Oh, don't tell me he's gone to the house.
He hasn't gone to the house.
Please, no.
Let's have a look.
Oh, dear.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Oh, they're still at it.
They're still at it.
What stamina! Look at that Hear that orgy.
Even rabbits would be jealous.
Look at that.
I can't Can't see the master there.
Wait a minute, there's a couple over there.
No, it can't be a couple.
Not with six legs.
Dear, oh, dear.
Let me see.
Master, where are you gone? He hasn't fallen down the well, has he? No.
Oh, dear.
I don't know why I bother.
I don't know why I bother, really.
You know, sometimes I feel I'd like to buy my freedom, go home, all for the drop of a laurel leaf, or a fig leaf, or anything, I don't care what.
I'm so sick of it, sometimes.
Home sweet home.
Dear old Anglia.
That's where I Oh, don't, please.
Don't laugh.
Anglia.
I can recall those happy evenings, those family evenings, sitting there in the old cave.
Or sitting round, you know, the little twigs.
And Well, us six children, and my dear old mother, and her six husbands She was a Pict.
She was, she was a Pict.
And she knew all the Angles She knew all the Angles.
There's one there.
Now, come on.
Don't doze off.
There's one there.
Yes, and every evening at eventide, we would weave rush mats.
We used to call it "the rush hour".
They're coming thick and fast now.
Oh, I mustn't brood.
Oh, no, it's rude to brood, and crude, but I would if I could brood, but I won't brood.
And so let us recommence.
After the interpolation, the prologue.
The Rape of the Sabine Oh, no, wait a minute, my master! That's it.
Now where could he have gone? He hasn't gone in there with her, has he? Old Hernia.
Oh, yes, she's after him.
She's after him.
She's man-mad, you know.
Oh, anything with togas.
Oh, yes, anything in togas.
Yes.
Well, I mean, you see, it's not fair, you see.
My master, he's old and weakly, now, you see.
Not even weekly, really, more like monthly, if that.
Oh, well, never mind.
Let's have a look.
Here we are.
Now, let's see What are you Oi! Oi, where you think you're going? Oi, get out of there.
Go on.
Go on, get back! Aren't you getting enough? What do you expect? What do you expect for your licence? My goodness.
Look, if this is what you want, go to that cinema, the Rialto.
The Rialto.
And see that film, there.
The Last Tangent in Pythagoras.
You see? Not a titter.
I thought so.
It's clean, isn't it? You should be ashamed.
Now, let's have a look.
Oh, he's in Oh, he's there.
He's there.
Oh, and he's He's practically starkers from head to Oh, look! Oh, he's getting old now.
Oh, yes, you can see it now.
Just.
Oh, no, but I reprimanded him for nothing, because, you see, he was wearing his red flannel ones.
Sweet.
Now, I must go and warn my mistress he's here in the house.
-EROTICA: This way, lover, this way.
-Good opportunity.
I must go and warn my mistress.
Oh, hello.
I recognise that voice.
That's Erotica.
Erotica, my My master's young daughter.
Before we go in, Erotica, let me once more savour the full ripeness of your lips.
Oh, yes, gladly.
God, you're getting a right basinful today, ain't you? You can't say you're not getting your money's worth.
God, look at that.
Oh, Erotica.
I want you! Oh.
Motion proposed.
-And I want you.
-And seconded.
(EXCLAIMING) And carried unanimously.
No, wait, lover.
Let us go on into the house.
We will be alone there.
(SNICKERING) Oh, they'll be lucky.
-No, you can't -Oh, Lurcio, you surprised me.
Yes.
I wish I could say the same about you, young mistress.
-No, I -Today is Tuesday.
It's Tuesday, that's You're absolutely right.
Tuesday, yes.
-I thought you always had it off.
-Yeah.
Pardon? I thought you always had it off.
As it is written in the scribes, "Chance would be a fine thing".
-Lurcio.
By the way.
-Yes.
I do not think you are familiar with Captain Prodigius.
Ah, but I am familiar with Scrubba, that is his sister.
-What's that? -What? You, a mere slave, to own to being familiar with my sister? My God, you're showing me knickers! And on Pancake Tuesday.
Mind, it's draughty.
-No, no, please, don't.
-Never mind that.
About my sister What? Yes, you see, I've seen a lot of her.
-What? -I mean, I've seen her a lot.
-It would be well if you spake the truth, dog -Yeah, I am spaking the truth.
or you will surely perish! -Oh, I'm sure Lurcio speaks truly, Prodigius.
-Yes.
-Now, come inside.
-That's right.
Thank you, Erotica.
No, no, you can't go inside! -Why ever not? -Because Why Yes.
Well, you see, your Your mother is How can I put this? -Having a few friends.
-What of it? Prodigious can meet them.
Well, erm -I -What is it, Lurcio? I demand to know.
Very well, I feel it my duty to tell you My unpleasant duty.
That at this very moment, your mother is holding an orgy.
-What? -An orgy.
How wonderful! Quick, Prodigius.
Let us go inside and join them at once! Certainly not, Erotica.
I do not approve of such behaviour.
Well done, Captain.
Go up one.
But Prodigious, how can you say that, after what we've been to one another.
What is done in private is one thing, Erotica, but in front of other people, well, that's quite another thing.
Yes, or three or four things, if you're lucky.
Oh, but Prodigius, it's only a little bit of fun.
Oh, did you hear that from my young mistress Erotica? "Only a little bit of fun.
" To think I knew her when she was that big.
Yes.
Oh, don't they grow quickly.
Oh, thank you kindly, madam.
I had no time to see the rest of the house.
Oh, but, Senator, I'm so disappointed.
I've hardly shown you a thing.
And believe me, she's got plenty to show.
I'll tell you that.
Oh, please.
Well, perhaps some other time.
-Oh, thank God you were there, Lurcio.
-Yes.
That awful woman, she wanted to take all my clothes off.
Oh, she didn't, master, did she? I kept on telling her I only wanted one thing.
I know, and she kept trying to give it to you.
I understand.
-Oh, Lurcio.
-What? -Sleep.
That's all I want.
-Sleep! That's what you want.
Yes, well, there is your sleeping draught, there.
-Oh, thank heavens, Lurcio.
-That's right.
Sleeping draught.
-I'll go straight to my bed with it.
-Yes, straight to your bed.
No, you can't! Go to your No, you must -Look, sit here.
-Why, Lurcio? Why? Sit here Because Quietly, in the fresh air, because the man said it works better in the fresh air.
Funny, that's what that awful woman kept saying.
They get all the best lines, you know.
It's not right.
It's not right at all.
Master, mind the cork's on this.
Master.
It was an accident -What? -Oh, it tastes most unpleasant, Lurcio.
Yes, well, medicine is supposed to, master.
That's it.
Go on, get it down you, boy, that's it.
Oh, that's it.
-Oh! -Oh, what? Ooh, it's working.
Is it working? It's working.
Yes.
You're working well today.
That's it.
Right.
I'll go get your bed aired.
Get your bed aired.
Hello.
It must be the intermission.
Now, mistress.
Where's my Excuse me, madam, you're showing your logia.
Afraid you're still showing it.
Never mind.
Mistress? Mistress, there you are.
Mistress.
Mistress, please, the master's home.
Oh, Claudius hold me tightly.
-It's me, Lurcio.
-Oh, Mona.
Oh, Mona.
Please! Honestly, I don't know why I don't just surrender and get it over and done with.
Please Lurcio, what are you doing here? It's most improper.
-You mean this isn't? -Oh, go away at once.
-Look, the master's home, mistress.
-What? -Your husband is here.
-Where? -He's without.
-Without? Mind you, he's the only one who is, by the look of it.
-Claudius, you must leave at once! -Yes, Claudius, you must leave at once.
-Quickly, get out of here.
-Yes, where is he? -Oh, please, hurry up.
-He's there! There's Claudius! -Get hold of him, don't stand there.
-Get Claudius.
-Which way, Lurcio, which way? -That way, the back entrance.
-Oh, right.
-The back entrance.
Not you, get down.
That's right.
That's one down, about 59 to go.
Dear, oh, dear.
Oh, Lurcio, don't stand there doing nothing.
Help me.
I mean, get rid of them.
-Tidy the place up a bit.
-All right, yes.
Come on, everybody out! Time, gentlemen, please.
Come along.
Let's have your last orgies, please.
There we are.
Come along, please.
Oh, I don't feel at all sleepy yet.
(PANTING) Ooh! (EXCLAIMING) Viva amore! Ah, yes.
It's me, my lovely.
Your little Ludie.
(HERNIA SCREAMING) -What is it? -Got you! -Oh, Senator, what's come over you? -I don't know, but it's lovely! Come inside! Master! Master! Put him down this minute! Mistress Hernia, put my master down! -Please.
-Let go of me! Let go of me! -Come on, you'll hurt yourself.
-Not her, you! Oh, me! Oh, Ludicrus, dear, how nice What on earth have you Madam, there's been a slight technical hitch.
Go back A technical hitch? Yes, get on back to your loom.
Get on with your embroidery, that's it.
(LUDICRUS GROANING) (SCREAMING) See that, Lurcio? She's wearing a chastity belt.
(EXCLAIMING) I know her sort.
Always locks the stable door after the horse has bolted.
I don't know what's come over me, Lurcio.
I feel most peculiar.
Do you really? Well, you want bed.
That's what, you're tired.
Yes, bed, yes, -and someone to put in it, eh? -Yes, that's good.
-Eh? Eh? Eh? -You're naughty, you're very What the hell's the matter with the old fool? You know, Lurcio, you've got rather a fine, youthful figure, don't you? I know I have.
I've had it for some years now, actually.
I Yes, quite comely.
It's a pity you're the wrong sex, isn't it? Oh, I wouldn't say that What do you mean "sex"? The last time he used the word "sex", he was ordering some coal.
-It's all right.
Any port in a storm.
-No, you can't! Master! Oh, you'll tire yourself.
Go in there.
Go in the house there.
That's it.
Oh, dear.
I'll kick that Pollux in his apothecary.
-Now, here's the master, you see.
He's very tired.
-No, no.
-He wants to go to bed.
-No, I don't want to go to bed.
Is he all right, Lurcio? What's the matter with him? (STUTTERING) Well, it's I think it's that sleeping draught.
It's had a strange effect, mistress.
Well, come along, Ludicrus, dear, -I'll take you up to bed.
-He's very tired.
No, I don't want to go to bed! I feel like an orgy! (EXCLAIMING) -Slow down! Stop it! -Wait till I get a hold of you! You'll do yourself an injury, Ludicrus.
Really, Lurcio, help! Help! He doesn't need any help.
(AMMONIA SHRIEKING) Master, don't! No, it's too expensive.
There we are! Beddy-by time.
Here we are.
There we are.
There you are.
One for his knob.
-Ah, there he is.
-Oh, Lurcio, what have you done? I've just lulled him to sleep, as you said.
(SOBBING) Just when I was beginning to enjoy it.
Isn't it marvellous? I never do the right thing.
Whatever I do is always wrong.
Oh, Lurcio, I mean, what could've come over him? I mean, he hasn't behaved that way for years! Oh, it must be the effects of that sleeping draught, because I -Unless he took the wrong one.
-What wrong one? Well, perhaps he didn't take the sleeping draught, you see.
-No, you see, at the apothecary's, you see -Yes.
(STAMMERING) Castor and Pollux, and there was the counter, and there was two of us.
Nausius was there for a love filter, and I was there for a sleeping draught, and they were both on the counter together, you see.
-And Nausius -Oh, Lurcio, Lurcio.
What on earth are you talking about? I can't follow all this.
You think you got problems? What about them, then? And after all, you've had the script for two weeks.
They haven't, have they? Now the thing is, I must stop Nausius giving it to her.
Giving her what? (STAMMERING) Look, I'll explain later.
-Poor Nausius.
-Oh, Lurcio, if anything happens to my little boy, -I'll have you thrown to the lions.
-Oh, not the lions, mistress, not the lions! Oh, those terrible fangs in my flesh, I don't want Fangs for the memory Well, it makes a change, bit of music.
Yes! Why not? Gentle Scrubba, I've worshipped you now for a very long time.
Yes, nice of you to say so.
Oh, I do not wish to bore you.
Oh, no, Nausius, of course you're not.
Perhaps you'd like some more of this.
There's plenty left.
Why, yes, that would be very nice.
Good health.
It's supposed to make you feel more (EXCLAIMS LIGHTLY) loving.
Is that a fact? Well, let's give it a try.
Oh! Oh! Dearest one! How I've yearned for this one magical moment.
(SNORING) Dearest one? (SNORING) Can it be that she sleeps? (KNOCKING) -Who is it? -It's Lurcio.
If you haven't given it to her yet, don't give it to her! Just one moment, Lurcio.
All right, take your time, no hurry.
No rush.
Just coming.
Oh! Oh, I'm too late.
He's given it to her.
Oh, lions, here I come.
-Lurcio? -Yes.
-Something seems to have gone wrong.
-Yes, there's been a mistake, yes.
-A mistake? -Yes, a mistake.
What mistake? Lurcio, tell me what's happened.
Oh, dear, here we go again.
Look, if you've got anything to do, I should go and do it now, 'cause you've heard this twice already.
All right.
-Now, look.
-Yes? Young master, see, we were at the apothecary's Castor and Pollux, weren't we? -Yes.
-Now, you see, you were there (SNORING) You were there for a love Oh, for Blimey.
I'd hate to sleep next to her, wouldn't you? Fancy sleeping with her all night, sleeping there.
Now, I was there, you see, for a sleeping (SNORING) Oh I was there for a sleeping (SNORING) Oh, shut your trap for goodness sake! Don't snore when I'm trying to explain the plot.
Now, there was a sleeping draught and a love filter on the counter together, -two of them side by side.
-Yes.
Oh, heavens.
And when you left, you took the wrong one.
Me again.
It's always me.
-I know what to do, Lurcio.
-Oh, good.
-You take her.
-I don't want her.
I'm off to the apothecary's to get an antidote.
Yes, yes, exit, as usual.
Isn't it Left holding the bag, if you'll pardon the expression.
What a weight she is, isn't she? Look God! What a weight.
I can't think where it all comes from.
Oh, perhaps I can.
Yes, look, see if we can get over on the thing over here.
(GROANING) Oh, dear, oh, God.
Now, just stand One minute See Isn't this marvellous? The only time in this show I get the girl, and she's out cold.
Now, just stand there.
Try and take a nap in midair while I get things ready.
Here Don't! Oh! Oh, dear! You've nearly ruined me.
Oh, she is a big girl, honestly, it must be all these accessories she's got.
Again.
That's it.
You can Excuse me, just a minute.
Have you ever had one of those days when nothing seems to go right? Yes, well, get over here.
That's right, get yourself comfortable there.
That's right.
Let's see if we can try I don't know what part to get hold of without doing any damage.
That's it.
Up here.
That's right.
(DOOR OPENING) -What's going on? -Nice to see you.
No, it's not.
I mean -You again.
-Yes -And that's my sister! -Yes.
Oh, you know her.
Oh, very well, good.
-Well, I'll go and do the shopping, 'cause -Stay where you are, wretch! Oh, dear me, be careful where you're waving that.
We've got enough eunuchs here as it is.
-What's this? -That's a sleeping draught.
A sleeping draught! You would stoop so low to gain your foul ends? Foul ends? Oh, I don't like foul ends.
I don't like the parson's nose.
Enough! I've had my fill of this poppycock! -I beg your pardon? -Poppycock! I resent that! This may be a load of poppy, but it's certainly not the other thing.
-You're here! -Yes, you miserable cur.
You have brought dishonour on my house.
-Dishonour on your house? -So you must die, yes.
-Yes.
-So prepare to meet your end.
-Oh, no, please.
-Dog! Oh, don't.
Oh, don't kill me.
Excuse me.
Oh, yes.
Oh, don't.
Oh, I don't want to die.
I don't want to die, I want to live.
I want to feel the warm sun caressing these lovely cheeks.
I want to feel the warm breezes slithering round my lissom limbs.
Lovely word, that, "lissom limbs".
Lissom.
Can you see them? Here we are.
Lissom limbs.
Well, lissom while I'm talking to you.
Enough! Oh, please don't.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.
Oh, she frightened the life out of me.
Heavens.
-What means this, Prodigius? -This slave has defiled my sister.
Defiled? (SNICKERING) PRODIGIUS: Enough! -Let's put an end to this now.
-No, I -No, no, stop, Prodigius! -Nausius! It was not Lurcio who gave your sister the draught, it was I.
-You mean this slave is innocent? -Oh, yes, innocent.
But how did it happen? -Well, you see, I went to the apothecary's -Oh, not again.
I'm not stopping with this boring rubbish.
Let's go and play bingus.
Come on, let's go.
(LUDICRUS GROANING) Oh, dearest, dearest Ludicrus.
You will hurry home, won't you? Oh, I will indeed, Ammonia.
I will.
-Oh, master.
-Oh, Lurcio, I want you.
Oh, please don't throw me to the lions.
I'm sorry I made that mistake about the sleeping draught, please forgive me.
No need to be sorry, Lurcio.
As a matter of fact, I was going to ask you to order another half dozen of them.
-Half dozen? -Yes, did me a power of good.
What a funny man.
-Lurcio.
-Yes, mistress.
Lurcio, take not one bit of notice of anything he has just said.
I wasn't going to.
No.
Make it a dozen.
Well, there we are.
Two satisfied customers.
Well, very nice.
At least we have a happy ending, that makes a nice change.
I like a happy ending, don't you? Now, where was we, when we were so rudely interpoticulated? Ah, yes, I know, the prologue.
Well, now Oh, it's too cold.
Too cold.
The prologue Now, it came to pass that after the eunuchs had lost their deposits (WAILING) Woe, woe, and thrice woe! LURCIO: Oh, no.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
The time has come, the end is nigh! -Oh, woe, woe, woe! -No, it's not fair.
They really ought to have her put down now, she's past it.
But she's right, the time is nigh.
In fact, not only nigh.
It's nigher than that.
It's here.
The end is here.
Yes.
Never mind.
We'll finish the story.
The Rape of the Sabine Women What's this? Oh, no! All I need now is a hernia Oh, I should say so.
Salute!