2 Broke Girls s02e01 Episode Script

I can't believe you guys are still staring over there.
Some mothers tend to breast-feed for a lot longer these days.
It's called attachment parenting.
When the kid is that big, it's called dating.
I mean, he's gotta come up for air at some point.
No, he doesn't.
Isn't he too old to drink from the teat? The kid is my height.
Don't get any ideas.
Well, it's happened: I've lived too long.
I'm ready to order.
I can't.
I mean, I respect it all, but I'll throw up.
I'll go.
I can't afford HBO, and it's the closest I can get to seeing Game of Thrones.
Hi, what can I get you? He's obviously good drink-wise.
I'll have tea and a turkey club.
Anything for him? Coffee for the milk? Burger? Fries? I'll have fries.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Ooh! Late night phone call.
Ring-a-ding-dang.
Someone's gonna get their freaky freak on.
It's my father.
I don't judge.
Hey, Daddy.
Me? I'm fine.
A little bummed: It's truffle season, and no one I know knows what a truffle is, but Oh! Our estate auction? Yeah, I think I heard something about that.
But honestly, Daddy, I haven't given it a second thought.
No, you don't have to worry about me.
I am not at all emotional about it.
Wha-- Thank God it's not flip-flop Friday.
Well, wait, I'll ask her.
My father wants to know if you'll come out to the prison - and finally meet him.
- Sure.
Great.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Bye.
I'm not going.
What? Why'd you say yes? 'Cause you never tell a man in prison no.
He could hang himself with his belt.
Do not give me that look.
It happened to me twice already.
Oh, God, has anything not happened to you twice already? Max, come on.
It's really important to me that you meet my father.
Well, you never met my father, and you don't see me dragging you to every rail road boxcar in the country trying to find him.
Come on, it's gonna be a really hard week for me.
Has any week ever not been hard for you? Everything I've ever owned is being auctioned off to the public.
I'm humiliated.
Would this be a bad time to tell you your one long face hair is back? Well, there's something they can't take away from me, and apparently, I can't either.
Well, well, here comes the sun, and the moon is looking great too.
Oh, Earl, your flirting is just the right amount of dirty, and that's not easy.
Sophie's here.
Quick, how's my hairnet? I'm about to go over and ask her out on a romantic date.
A date? Isn't that a waste of time? I mean, you guys already have sex so often, I took a pregnancy test.
Evening, Sophie.
As you know, we have now been together for 468 sexual encounters.
I believe it is time I take you out on a romantic date.
Aw, I don't know.
Who has time to go out any more? Can't you just come over and ruin my sheets like you usually do? Oh, just say yes.
I'll take you anywhere you want.
Then take me to the Channing Family auction and buy me something gold.
How is this romantic? How is this romantic? It's gold.
Wait, is that the catalog from Caroline's estate auction? Yes.
I found it in the trash out behind our building.
Caroline threw it there 'cause she doesn't wanna see it again.
You better give it to me before she comes out here and lights you on fire.
She kinda does that now.
Sophie, let go, seriously.
No, you're never gonna win, Max.
You know, when I was born, the doctors tried to pry my dead twin sister from my hands, but I never let go.
She was my first doll.
Hey, Sophie, you don't happen to have any tweezers, do you? Like, the really good industrial kind? Oh, you know about the hair? Oh.
'Cause I was gonna have to take you out for a beer and talk about it.
Max, what is that thing that you have behind your back? What? No, nothing.
Yes, right here.
Is that the auction catalog that just fell between your legs? No, you're watching an episode of I didn't know I was pregnant.
What is this thing doing here? Isn't it enough I have a 2-foot face hair? Nice, Han.
She's upset again.
Happy? Sorry, I thought we were playing some kind of hiding game.
Oh, reach for me like that again and we'll be playing a different game called "guess which part of Han I cut off.
" Yeah, that's right.
You better walk away.
Now, can I have my catalog back? You brought this in here? I can't believe it, Sophie.
I can't believe you think it's okay for you to just sit here and casually flip through this catalog that contains everything I love from my old life.
I just think it's really insensitive and stuff.
I mean, what are you thinking? What is wrong with you, I mean, besides your obvious choice of bad fabric and color.
Oh, no.
You back up your truck, bearded lady.
I'm insensitive? I'm the thief who stole all those people's money? And you don't think this color is happening? Pick up a copy of Polish Vogue.
All right, okay, okay.
It's all getting a little tense.
I think we're all clear about what needs to happen right now.
Plink.
Wow, this prison's a lot better than the last one.
It's more like a country club.
I mean, I think I saw a list for mixed doubles where we signed in.
Max, I know your idea of a country club's an abandoned car in the woods, but look around.
There's security cameras and bars on the windows.
All right, so it's a rough country club, where the strongest golfers make the caddies their bitch.
Max, my father's in prison.
Be more sensitive and stuff.
Look, I get it.
You're protective.
He's your father and you love him, but I'm sorry, not everybody feels that way.
- Daddy.
- There she is.
Aww, uhh! How's my little girl? I'm great, Daddy.
- Yeah.
- I like the new uniform, and it isn't at all prison-y.
Yeah.
I don't know what's worse: Being locked up or looking like you work at a banana republic.
Now, wait a minute.
This can't be Max.
The stories I've heard, I was expecting more of a truck driver.
Hey, Brian, you might wanna look the other way.
I think Max is here to break me out.
Isn't that right, Max? Martin Channing.
Shall we? Okay, fine, your dad is awesome.
Well, our projected cupcake business growth ratio isn't where I want it to be, but with autumn here, we have a lot of hope in the launch of our new pumpkin spice flavor.
Honey, I love you very much, but we're almost out of time, and I can't talk any more about cupcakes.
Just wanted to pick your brain.
Now, Max, I asked you to meet me here today because I wanna ask you a favor.
You want me to smuggle something in? Something out? I'm good either way.
I want you to take Caroline to the estate auction.
Daddy, no.
Why would I put myself through that? Why would I ever go where everybody knows who I am and be publicly humiliated? I know it will be hard for you, but I promise it'll be worth it.
There's one thing at that auction that I really care about that I want you to have.
What? The painting of me as a baby? The sculpture of me as a five-year-old? The tapestry of me at 14? I have a pretty good police sketch of me at seven.
I want you two to go there and get the loving cup you won jumping with Chestnut.
I know how much that meant to you.
Even if I could bring myself to go through all that, we need every penny we have for the cupcake business.
Tell him, Max.
Martin, you know I'd do anything for you.
Anything.
But it's true.
We're broke.
- Time is up.
- Seriously, Daddy, I use the box our soap comes in as a wallet.
Man, that is hard to hear.
Max, you're my girl, right? Am I? I want you to find a way to get that cup.
No matter what she says, make sure she gets that cup.
You follow me? You want me to follow you? Can I even go back there? No, you can't, miss.
Oh, follow you, like follow your thought.
It's important for her, and it's important for the both of you for your futures, all right? Get the cup.
What are you getting? The cup, Martin? I love you, sweetheart.
Love you too, Daddy.
And don't worry: We'll get that cup.
I'm not getting that cup.
What? Then why did you say you would? You can't tell a man in prison "no.
" He'll hang himself with his belt.
It happened to you twice already.
We have to go get that cup.
Why? There's money in the cup.
What are you talking about? He said we needed it for our future, then he winked.
It was either that, or he was hitting on me, which, I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't hate.
How would he even hide money in a cup, Nancy Drew? Well, what does a loving cup look like? Is it like a bowling trophy? How dare you.
Does it have, like, a wood base? Yup, I used to hide my stash in my mother's bowling trophy, and you're telling me the man who invented a way to defraud most of New York isn't as clever as a stoned 12-year-old with a butter knife? Well, it was weird how it was all about the cup and so little about the pumpkin spice cupcake.
Right? And you don't think your father who spent a fortune to turn you into a sculpture, presumably nude, wouldn't try to figure out a way to take care of his only daughter? The man's a criminal genius, and he found a way to put money for your future in the cup, and clearly, that's why he dragged me out to prison, because he knows you'll do what I say 'cause I'm the boss of you, and pretty soon I'm gonna be your stepmom.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I hear what you're saying, but I just have one big question.
How much are we willing to bid? No, about my disguise.
I know I'm a brunette, but do I have bangs? Actually, I need two: One for me, and one for my friend Zooey Deschanel.
What? You look like her.
Everybody does.
It's the least expensive look you can do and still get laid.
God, this is from storage.
I haven't seen it in years.
Wow, you had all these closets, and no one in your family is gay? Look! It's the Louie the XVI I used to have in my playroom.
My cousin Peter and I used to climb in here and play French Revolution.
I'd be Marie Antoinette, and he'd help me put my hair up in a high chignon.
Oh, now I'm feeling bad for his wife.
So where do you think the cup is? Let's look over there.
Oh, this is from the summer house.
Max, you know the expression "born with a silver spoon in your mouth"? This is mine.
Miss, do not handle that.
I'm asking you to put it down right now.
Hey, you might wanna relax the attitude.
You really think my friend Jennifer Love Hewitt, international movie and Lifetime channel superstar, is gonna steal a used spoon? Sorry, I didn't recognize you.
Now I see it.
I thought I was Zooey Deschanel.
Eh, six of one.
All you Hollywood brunettes look alike.
The auction is starting, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi, Max.
I'm so excited to be here.
Oh, hello, Caroline.
Sophie, I apologize for the other day.
I was really tense, and I didn't mean it.
I think you have a unique sense of style.
You do so much with so little fabric.
I do And I see you took my advice and got Polish Vogue.
How nice is this? We are finally on a romantic date.
We just came from lunch at Rainbow Room, and I'm wearing my best Fila tracksuit.
Yah, now, he's going to buy me something golden.
Yah, I want to be covered in gold.
I want a golden shower.
Let's see.
If I was a loving cup, where would I be? Some place with a lot of cash shoved up inside you.
How much do you think is in there? Well, let's see.
The wooden base of the cup is about this big, and I know you can get 20,000 in an Altoids tin, and this is about three times that size, so 60,000.
$60,000? That's like a million dollars! So I could have $60,000 in an hour? Well, we.
We could have it.
Did I say I? How weird.
And sold.
Wow, you're getting everything.
Yes, we are.
Aren't we, Miss Pickle? I'm Hamish McDonough, by the way.
Oh, I'm Max, and this is my friend Katie Holmes.
We won't speak of it But I just have to say: Well done! And if you ever need anything, don't hesitate.
Oh, you have your own shop? "Just The Two Of Us" antiques.
Is that you and Miss Pickle? No, dear, I'm not insane.
Next item for auction: A 19th century ivory and gold bedside table, Oh! Oh, say it again.
This is highly unorthodox, but I shall repeat the item.
A 19th century gold and ivory bedside table-- I'm a very lucky man, yes? We start the opening bid on this item at $50,000.
I'm out.
- 50,000.
- Here.
Do I hear 60,000? - 60,000! - 60,000 over here.
Do I hear 70,000? Do I hear 80,000? Yes, you do! sold.
Hamish, you killed it.
Yolo! And the next item up for bid is a silver-plated tin loving cup, property of Caroline Channing.
How much do you think this is going to go for? Kitsch is always a wild card, but it has no real value.
No real value? Please.
I won that when no one thought I could.
I jumped 14 hurdles in the rain with walking pneumonia.
It's worth something.
Yeah, 'cause it has money in it.
We start the bidding at $50.
Sir, it's in increments of $10.
Then, I'm out.
Sorry, the Rainbow Room really sucked me dry.
Hm, guess what else is pretty dry right now? Do I hear 60? What are you doing? You said it had no real value.
I know, but wouldn't it be camp to see Miss Pickle taking a bath in that for my Christmas card? Do I hear 70? My cup is not a puppy bath.
- 70.
- 80.
Back out now, ladies.
I'm a paddle bitch.
Well, I'm a bitch bitch.
- 125.
- 150.
- 175.
- Hamish came to play.
So did we, I broke my hymen getting that thing.
Is that why it's called a loving cup? - 200.
- I have 200.
Do I hear 225? Look, Hamish.
I know you have no interest in what I would normally offer you to get what I want.
Don't be so sure.
I was bisexual till I was 62.
Look, Katie Holmes really wants this, and she's been through a lot.
True.
It's yours.
I'm out.
- Sold.
- Yes, I'm rich! Did you just say "I'm"? I think you're hearing me wrong.
Okay, before we use all this money on the business, we should take a vacation.
How 'bout it? You, me, Chestnut, jet skis.
Okay, here we go.
No, no, no.
Don't open it now.
There are cameras here.
We can just go over there and open it right next to that thing where you and your little queen cousin played dress-up.
Seriously, how could I not have known that? When we played Cowboys and Indians, he played the Indian's makeup artist.
I have to say, Max, it'll be nice to have some money again, but what's really nice is that now you see who my father is, a man who, despite all of his flaws, never stopped thinking about what he could do to take care of his little girl.
It's empty? Son of a bitch.
Martin, we just have one question.
Where's the money? I'm sorry, what? Where's The money? What? She's asking where the money is.
Oh! Uh, what money? The money in the cup, Daddy.
The money you hid in the cup that was supposed to be for my future? Where's my 60 grand? Which, for anyone who might be watching my lips, we were going to give all to charity.
Sweetheart, why do you think I would hide money, besides the fact I'm here for hiding money? Well, that might have been my fault.
No, it's not her fault, Daddy.
It's yours.
You were supposed to take care of me, and you didn't.
You didn't think about me at all, and it's not just me.
You hurt a lot of people.
Do you ever even think about them? Yes, I do.
Now, every day, but I also think about what I did to you every day, all day.
I mean, back then, when I figured out a way to get free money, all I could think - about was the money.
- I hear that.
But I really did wanna give you something for your future, sweetheart, which is why I asked Max to make sure that you got that cup.
And I know it's only tin, but it's the most valuable thing I could give you, because it'll remind you that no matter how hard the circumstances, you could get over any hurdle, even the ones I put in front of you.
Okay, well, we should go.
Our time's up.
Yeah, but--what? You just got here.
Well, I think I'm done for today.
Boy, I've dreaded the day you looked at me like this.
Now that it's here, it's even worse.
I only hope that one day you could look at me again the way you did the day you won that cup.
I love you, honey.
I love you too, Daddy.
Oh.
Sorry.
You meant her.
See you next week? Wow, having a father is rough.
- Are you okay? - I will be, because despite what everyone else may think, he's not just a thief.
He's my father, and I love him.
Look, if it's any consolation, I now see how that could've happened to him.
I'm not condoning it, but I see how people can get caught up, 'cause I am pissed as hell that next week I won't be riding a horse who's riding a jet ski.