About a Boy (2014) s02e01 Episode Script

No, no, no! No! Dude! Man! Come on! I was right there! Hey! Closed.
I just need a dozen Asiagos and then we're good to go.
Hey, hey! Don't knock on the glass.
It's not gonna help you.
All right, well, listen, I've been searching for the perfect bagel since I got to New York three months ago.
I journeyed from Soho for your Asiagos.
We close at 5:00 and I'm not gonna turn my life upside down, topsy-turvy, for some schmuck from Soho.
Look, uh, I need this bagel.
I it's, it's real important to me.
What's so important? Don't you have a life? You don't have a job? A girl? No, I actually happen to have a wonderful girlfriend.
I mean, she's perfect; She's beautiful, she's talented, she's smart.
And yet here you are, begging for bagels.
No, no, no.
She works a lot.
Ya know, she works all the time really.
Yeah, that's rough.
How about I give you a little extra for the after-hour bagels? You think that that money, you just throw money at a problem, it solves it.
Is that the way you do things in your fancy Soho? That's the way you do? Oh, that smells good.
That's a oh that mmm.
Oh.
That's fresh.
Still warm.
Like from this morning.
- 20 bucks for six Asiagos.
- Mmm.
- Take it or leave it.
- Mmm.
You know what would be good with this? A nice schmear.
I think I'll put a nice schmear on it.
Okay, I see the game we play up here.
I just think I had an orgasm.
A hundred dollars for six.
A hundred for five, a hundred for four - there we go! - There we go.
Thank you.
MmmOh You did it, Will.
You found the perfect Asiago.
Every day I think you can't impress me more, yet, here we are.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna overnight deliver one to Andy, he's gonna freak, and rest assured, I am sending one to my San Francisco bagel shop because they got a lot to learn.
- Hey baby.
- Hey! Hold on, Marcus.
Oh, I missed you.
Hey, um, Marcus is on.
Say hi, it's been a while.
Oh! Hi, Marcus! Hi, Dr.
Sam.
You guys, I had the craziest day of my life.
What happened? This guy comes in.
Flatlined, okay? I had to jump on the gurney, as we're racing down the hallway, and revive him.
It was oh four hours of surgery, guy's as good as new.
You raised a man from the dead and Will found the perfect bagel.
What a power couple.
Anyways, gotta go, guys.
Bye Marcus.
I love New York.
Saving lives.
Eating bagels.
Moving here is one of the best things we ever did, Will.
- The best.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, here's something that will keep you in bagels for a while.
Royalty check from Runaway Sleigh.
Yes! Yes! Yes! What a day! The perfect Asiago, the perfect woman, and a boatload of money for work done a decade ago.
Big money! Big money! No whammies! No whammies! Big whammy.
Here we go.
Richard, Richard, just listen to me, okay? You are my business manager.
I need you to manage my business.
I need to buy things.
I am only in town until tomorrow but guess what, I'm gonna be riding you every second to make sure that your number one priority is finding this money.
This represents 100% of my income, Richard.
Hold up.
Hold on one second.
Richard, there is something haunting and unearthly happening here.
I'm gonna call you back.
Will? Will is here! Oh, my God! What are you doing here? This thing is mom, cut my umbilical cord so I can hug Will.
Umbilical cord? What? Don't get judgmental.
We are simply reenacting Marcus's birth.
Oh.
And here I was thinking there was no logical explanation.
Marcus is helping me stir up my personal birthing memories to help me with my training to become a doula.
What is a doula? Of course you don't know what a doula is.
A doula is a magical person who helps restore the faith and dignity of birth that the medical establishment has, frankly, destroyed over and Okay, well, we're moving on.
Marcus, my man.
I'm here only 36 hours, but I've carved out some Marcus time.
We've got Xbox pow! We've got general frivolity pow! And we've got ribs.
That that sounds great Will but I'm booked solid this weekend with my buds.
Well, I'm sure they'll understand.
Will, Marcus already has plans with his wonderful, age-appropriate friends.
Oh, okay.
Not gonna lie, it stings a little but uh, I'll see you around.
Mom, would it be okay if Will cut my umbilical cord as a symbolic way of showing our mutual independence? Oh, that is brilliant! I-I-I know what's coming here.
All right.
But let me tell you something, there is no way that I'm getting involved with this kind of thing.
Please, Will.
And here comes the postpartum depression.
Glad to see things didn't get weird when I was away.
It's all right.
Do you know what these mean? Wild stab, um, someone made guacamole? - I think Laurie is pregnant.
- What? She's showing all the signs.
She's eating avocados like they're water, she's puking on cue, her nipples have darkened to the color of a deep French roast.
You just may have just ruined nipples for me.
Anyway, wait what about your vasectomy? The vasectomy that you badgered me not to get.
"Oh, don't get a nut-cut, bro.
Don't get a nut-cut.
" I don't sound like that.
- You sound exactly like that.
- Wait, you listened to me? Yes, I listened to you! Was Laurie well, how did Laurie react? Was she cool with that? That's the tricky part of all of this.
She doesn't know.
I faked it.
How do you fake a vasectomy? Well, that part was easy.
I came home.
I limped.
I put frozen peas on my crotch.
She brought me pizza bagels.
I even marked my sack with a highlighter just in case she checked.
She did not check, by the way.
Thank God you're back from New York so we can deal with this.
- We? - Yeah, we.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
There is no "we" in "Laurie.
" Tallyho, chaps! It's snack time.
I made a cabin out of tofu slim Jims and there's also chai cola here.
It tastes just like cola except slightly more gelatinous and a bit chewy.
Awesome! None of the other moms make such healthy snacks.
Since I met you, I'm really thinking about going vegan.
Eddie, that makes me so happy.
Do you know? I really feel a movement coming.
Now I'm just gonna be in the house if you need anything at all.
- Okay? - All right.
I told you you were gonna make some great mates in San Francisco, didn't I? Good job! Good job! "Oh, I really feel a movement coming, gentlemen.
Out of my butthole.
" Oh, man.
Come on, guys.
To the brigade! Uh, where do you think you're going? I got my third stripe yesterday when I used my piggy bank for our snack run.
Yeah, well, you need to have five stripes to get into the brigade.
You said it was three.
Not since we did all of our upgrades.
Why don't you keep watch? Okay.
Make sure nobody comes.
Hey, bud.
Oh, hey, Will.
What's going on? Just hanging with my buds.
Oh yeah? Then why are they up there and you're down here? Duh, I'm standing guard.
It's very important.
Doesn't sound all that fun.
I love standing guard, Will.
Just try and get past me.
Try it.
What I lack in strength, I make up for in shrieking.
Keep it down! God! Right, sorry, Eddie.
I'm sure I'll get to go up there later.
We got a problem.
What what are you doing? Well, your dumbwaiter door is stuck and I'm gonna loosen it up so that Marcus can come over whenever he wants over the next few days while I'm around.
I thought it was a 36 hour trip.
It is but some things have come up.
What things? Well, for one, Marcus's so-called "friends" have turned my tree house into a brigade, which they are not letting him up into.
He is currently standing guard.
Everyone has to take a turn standing guard.
No, no, Marcus doesn't have to stand guard.
Do you understand? It's his tree house.
I built it for him.
Having trouble letting go are we? I am trying to keep your kid from getting bullied.
Is it so hard to believe that a bunch of cheeky, fun eighth graders want to hang out with Marcus? Yes.
You're being an arsonist firefighter.
Definition? Someone who starts a fire so they can put it out, be the hero, and get all the glory.
Okay, that is so ridiculous.
Why would I do that? I don't know.
Hold on.
Put my psychologist hat on for a minute.
Oh, yeah! Maybe you are inventing problems in San Francisco to avoid bigger problems in New York.
Take your psycho hat off because you're wrong.
Marcus mentioned that since you've been in New York, the main structure of your life has been around bagels.
Is is everything all right with Sam? Okay, everything is great with Sam.
I am dying to get back to New York to be with her.
Are you? Yeah and she can't wait to see me.
I bet.
So why don't you stop trying to turn this around on me.
Let me tell you something.
I know boys.
And I know those boys are not Marcus's friends.
So I'm gonna now have to prove it to you because you don't believe me.
Tell Marcus the dumbwaiter door is open for business.
Better to be over-lubed than to be under-lubed.
How do you fake a vasectomy? Apparently, it's pretty easy.
Anyway, the point is, I have to be around to help him tell Laurie because that can go so dark.
Oh, and Marcus is being taken advantage of by these bullies.
And Fiona just won't see it so it's like, I can't just show up after three months and tell her what's going on.
I gotta figure a way to prove to her what's going on.
Wow.
What? No, it's just, ya know, in New York, you spent three months trying to find the perfect bagel and you're in San Francisco 24 hours and you got so much going on.
Well, anyway, I just uh I really I need a couple days to just sort of sort everything out.
I hope that's okay.
Oh, baby, of course.
Take as much time as you need.
I'm working doubles all week anyway.
Great, great.
Yeah, I gotta go.
I love you.
I love you too.
Bye.
Hooligans! So, we found out why your checks have been stopped.
Apparently, someone is claiming they co-wrote Runaway Sleigh.
What? That is crazy! I wrote that song.
Who is saying that? I have no idea.
But in the meantime, you're gonna have to make a few adjustments to your lifestyle.
I need this money, dude.
It's not that big of a deal, all right? It's not like your money is gone, it's just like, the spigot is clogged.
Well, how long to unclog the spigot? I don't know, weeks, months - Do not say years.
- Okay.
Surprise, huh? Is this a good surprise or a bad surprise? It could be a great surprise, right, Will? We could take "great" off the table.
- Mom, Alex hit me! - Did not, jerk! Alex! Stop hitting your sister! Thank God we are out of our child-rearing years, ya know what I mean? God, I can't wait till they're all out of the house and it's just me and whoever I marry after Andy.
She's on fire tonight.
Ya know, I think I hear the baby is crying and why don't you tell Laurie the surprise.
What? Andy, Andy! Well, all right, so what's the surprise, Will? Let me just uh that's much better.
Here's the deal, Laurie.
Uh, there is a slight chance that with all the that you are how do I put this? That you might be carrying.
Carrying what? Like a a baby.
What? That's impossible.
Andy had a vasectomy.
That is a funny story, actually.
Makes me laugh to think about it.
Andy's a deep thinker as we all know.
And he after careful consideration, Andy decided not to get a vasectomy.
And I and I may have had a little bit of a little bit of um a part to do with that.
Oh, my God.
Surprise! Oh, my God! Hurry up! Ready.
Hey Marcus, here's your tip.
Uh, Marcus, we saved you some pizza.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Oops, I'm sorry.
I'm watching you, you little punks.
Oh One, one thousand, two, one thousand, three, one thousand, four, one thousand, five, one thousand, ready or not, here I come.
Hands up, Marcus.
Hey, Marcus.
Will? What on earth are you doing? I am documenting.
No, you're spying on four teenage boys out your bedroom window.
Ew, that is so pervy.
Fiona, these so-called friends of Marcus's are evil, okay? And you need to see it with your own eyes.
Get over here.
- No.
- Get over here.
No, I'm sorry, I cant.
- Oh, oh - no, no, no, no.
Hey! Hey! You get back here right now.
- Will, Will, Will! - You come with me.
Look, right there.
Hey Marcus, have you ever heard of an atomic wedgie? Uh, no, but it doesn't sound great.
It's not supposed to.
Turn around.
Duck! Oh! Bugger! Don't! Okay, once you see what I see, then we can figure out what to do no, no.
Will, listen.
There is no we, do you understand? You left.
You moved to New York and we have spent three months getting over that.
And now we're finally over that, and you have to leave us alone.
Will, what the heck! Are you spying on Me? Mom? You two were spying on me, weren't you? I guess birth reenactment trust exercises mean nothing anymore.
No, Marcus, your mother was not spying, it was all me.
And I understand if you're mad at me, but those kids are not your friends.
When I get back to school on Monday, I'm back to having no friends.
Thanks a lot, Will.
Good to have you back.
Darling This is a big mess! Hey! Hi, Mrs.
Bowa.
Those kale and ginger shots were amazing.
Cut the crap, Eddie.
And lower my baby in uterus! You are mean-spirited little buggers, the lot of you.
Get out of my tree house.
Get out! Hey! Don't laugh at me! Well, actually uh it's not your tree house.
And it's not Marcus's either.
It's that weird, tall wiry guy and he's not even around anyway.
Oh, I'm around.
And I take offense to the wiry comment.
It's much more of a chiseled thing.
Now get out of the tree house right now! Come on.
Move it! Move it.
Line up in front of Mrs.
Bowa.
I want you to apologize to her for being disrespectful little dudes.
I'm sorry.
Now, if we hear any of you who say a single bad word about Marcus, in school, in the neighborhood, or anywhere else, I will destroy you.
Are we clear? Anything to add? You are all God's children.
We still have love in our hearts for you.
That too.
Get out of here, scram.
Let's go.
Move it.
Don't forget to put your helmets on.
Thank you, Will.
You were a little bit right.
I just so want Marcus to have friends.
Listen, you know, you were right a little right too about the New York thing.
I talked to Sam and told her I was gonna stay a couple of extra days and she didn't bat an eye, so You'll work it out.
I saw that your friends cleaned out your supply, so I thought the least I could do is replenish your stock.
You mind if I come up? Technically, it's your property.
I know those guys weren't my friends, Will.
But I was hoping I could grow on them like I grew on you.
Thanks.
Well, you know, all those times we were Facetiming, when you were telling me how great everything was, I really wish you had told me the truth.
I mean, if things are tough, Marcus, I'm your guy.
Come on.
I thought about telling you.
But I didn't want to make you feel bad.
You're having the time of your life in New York.
I wanted you to keep having a great time.
You are loving New York, right? Hold on a sec.
Oh, I gotta take this.
Real quick.
I'll be right back, okay? Give me some good news, Richard.
I am begging you.
Nah, I got nothing on that, Will.
But, I've been going through your finances and I think I found a way for you to fix your money problems without you having to change your lifestyle.
Okay, talk to me.
My thought is, you sell the place in San Francisco.
You're not living there.
You're not even renting the place out.
All you have to do is sell, and your money problems are solved.
Easy fix, right? Yeah.
That's easy.
May I lay my hands on you? IGuess? Okay.
I'm just going to gently massage you.
Andy, would you massage the goddess's feet? I'm not permitted to touch the goddess Andy, do as the doula says.
It would be my absolute honor to make you feel like the goddess you deserve to be, Laurie, throughout your pregnancy.
And if I'm not here, Andy will massage you, and Andy will take care of you, - and Andy is your servant.
- Servant? Andy, get the checkbook.
Pay the doula.