According To Jim s02e01 Episode Script

Hey.
Oh, about time you got here.
I thought you forgot.
No way! Oh, good, well, um, I made dinner and we'll be back about 9:00.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Thank you, honey.
All right.
Great hair.
Thank you, honey.
All right, have a great time.
All right, thanks.
Say hi to everybody.
I will.
Where's Mommy going? I don't know.
Hmm.
Well Okay.
So, how was your day? I know what George in my class likes to eat.
Tuna.
But not always.
George has a small mouth.
Do you like raisins? I don't like raisins.
George's head is small.
You have a big head, Daddy.
George taught me a song.
I know someone who found a bug in their pudding.
They almost ate it.
But they didn't.
I ate a bug once.
How much does it cost to be Batman? Hey.
How'd it go with Ruby? Great.
Oh, good.
I have so much to tell you.
You know who was there? Doreen Feldman.
Oh, you know the brakes are making that squeaky sound again, so you really have to go get that checked.
So, anyway, Doreen's brother-in-law's in town.
And you know her husband Richard just hates him.
Oh, honey, they had the best cream cheese cookies.
Do you like those? Oh, baby! Can we have chocolate milk? Not now.
It'll spoil your dinner.
No fair.
Mommy, what's ovaries? All right, just drink it in your room.
Yay! But don't make a mess.
I just cleaned the carpet.
I just parked the truck! Hey, honey, guess what? No, no, honey.
Please, I am going crazy here.
I'm trying to choose fabric for the new curtains in the bedroom, and we really need to pick the right one, because we're going to be looking at it for a long time.
We got curtains in the bedroom? Yes, honey.
Would you please help? Why do we need curtains? I don't have anything to hide.
Yeah, about that.
The neighbors called about the dancing again.
Well, for every one complaint there's two people watching who love it.
Okay.
Now, how much would you expect to pay for a digital camera that takes still pictures and video? Three hundred? Four hundred? Five hundred, you say? Jim.
Jim.
We just went through this last week with a bag of Doritos.
Right.
What did you do? I got this little sweetheart here for 150 bucks.
Wow.
Does this one have insides? Yes.
Uh, Dave Walker, I bought it from him.
He got a new one for a wedding present.
Where's my chocolate milk? Dave Walker? I'm serious.
I had two boxes in here.
What? Wait.
The same Dave Walker who dumped Dana? Yeah, I guess he's unloading all his old crap.
Well, we do need a new camera.
Do you know how to work this? Oh, yeah.
I read the manual while I was driving home.
Honey! Well, I had a seatbelt on Here.
Check this out.
There's still some pictures stored in it.
Who's that? That's Dave's new wife.
He dumped Dana to marry that? Where's her neck? Ha! Would you look at those ankles? Oh! A mustache! Oh! Dana is gonna feel so much better about herself when she sees these.
You've got to save them.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
How about this thing though, huh? No film.
No tape.
No nothing.
Just this little magic brain.
I think this camera is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
Well Honey? Come on.
What about, you know, meeting me, getting married, having our kids? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's all a rich tapestry.
Okay.
Come on, come on, come on.
All right, you just won the lottery.
Now you just realized, "Oh, my God, I lost my ticket!" That's it.
Hot babe, 10 o'clock! Yeah? So, you swear to God I'm cuter than her? Oh, yes! But is she sunny? 'Cause Dave said I wasn't sunny enough.
Well, Dave is wrong.
You are the sunniest person I know.
And I met Goldie Hawn once.
No! Where'd you meet her? Uh, I don't remember.
Somewhere.
No, no, no.
How could you forget that? Oh, all right! I made it up! Jim, show Dana the picture.
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Here's one of Andy wearing the kids' pool on his head like a sombrero.
No, honey.
The picture of Dave Walker's wife.
Oh, I deleted those.
What? Yeah.
No, no.
They're long gone, honey.
But didn't you hear me ask you to save those? Yeah, yeah, but there wasn't enough space in the memory, so I had to let them go.
I specifically asked you to save those.
What is the matter with you? What are you getting all bent out of shape for? You totally blew me off! Honey, they were just a bunch of pictures of a woman you didn't even know.
And Dana wanted to see those.
And now she can't.
And she is very upset! Dave dumped her, Jim.
She is devastated! Well, not really.
It was just one good crying out.
He dumped you and you're devastated.
Now zip it.
The point is you didn't give a damn about what was important to me.
Well, I would've, honey, if it was actually important.
Who are you to decide what's important? Okay, Cheryl.
You know, there's a one-to-ten scale on what's important.
Okay? One being the lowest, ten being the highest.
Okay? And everything to you is a nine.
Okay? The kids' shoes, a nine.
Spatulas, a nine.
Bedroom curtains, a nine.
I'm here to tell you that, matching throw pillows, a two.
You've got to know where to put things.
I know where I'd like to put one thing.
That'd be a 10 on my scale.
Jim, look at me.
When something is important to me, you need to respect that.
I know but sometimes the things that are important to you are just stupid! I am so glad I'm not you.
And not just now, I mean always.
Okay.
Give me the look that says, "I just pissed off my wife.
" Give me that! Gracie pulled my hair! She called me stupid! Well, you are! Girls, if you don't stop fighting, the police are gonna come and take you to jail.
Do you want to go to jail? Yeah.
How about the dentist? Do you want to go to the dentist? No! Cheryl, Cheryl, where's my camera? Why don't you look in the last three places you were? The fridge, the bathroom, and the fridge.
Actually, I find Jim's consistency rather comforting.
I got your back.
Oh, you know, honey, I have seen your camera.
Where? Where was it? Oh, I know.
In the trash.
I threw it out.
Oh! That is so good.
Isn't it? I know.
All right, very funny.
Come on.
Really, where is it? I told you.
It's in the trash.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Was that important to you? You know, 'cause it just wasn't important to me.
Well, I wouldn't say it wasn't important.
It was like a two.
Cheryl, I know you wouldn't throw that camera in the trash.
Mmm-mmm.
Why don't you ask Andy what happened to Bobo? Oh, you wanna talk Bobo? Oh, yeah.
Let's talk Bobo.
Who's Bobo? When I was a kid, I had a wind-up monkey that would bang its cymbals together.
Cheryl hated that sound.
Or maybe she hated the joy that it brought me.
Either way, one morning I woke up, Bobo was gone.
She said she threw it out.
That's what I do.
All right.
I see what you're doing here.
You want me to crawl around in the trash, get all stinky and dirty, make a fool of myself, to teach me "a lesson.
" But, Cheryl, I'm not gonna play that game.
That's a game that I don't play.
All right, Jim.
That's fine.
Suit yourself.
But, you know, if the trash guys are on time and, you know, they usually are Mmm-hmm.
They're going to be here, oh, very soon.
Cheryl, your little plan is gonna backfire.
Because you tried to cram a lesson down my throat and that never works.
Just ask my fourth grade history teacher.
She was in the nuthouse by Thanksgiving.
Sit down, my good friend, Andy.
I don't mind if I do, Jim.
Yes! Andy and I are gonna sit here and not learn a damn thing.
We may even forget stuff we already know.
All right, Jim.
That's fine.
Nice try.
Not yet.
Not yet.
Now! Well, I'm sorry, is it break time? I didn't hear the whistle.
We can't find the camera, Daddy.
Oh, that's a great attitude, Gracie.
How would you like it if Christopher Columbus had that attitude, huh? We wouldn't be here right now with the privilege of going through this garbage.
We hate this.
Come here a minute.
I'll tell you what.
If you find the camera, I'll make a bracelet out of those loose chicken bones for you.
Yay! Yay! My girls! Oh, I don't believe you! All right, that's it.
We're taking a bath.
All right.
I'll take a bath with you, but I'm still mad about the camera.
I was talking about the girls, Hef.
All right, Ruby, Gracie, upstairs.
Come on.
You cannot make the kids do your dirty work.
Well, then, why did we have them? So that I have someone on my side when it's time to put you in a home.
Well, that's that.
That's all the bins.
There is no camera.
No.
You gotta keep looking.
Good luck.
Oh, by the way, watching you go crazy over this camera, that's a 10.
She's really messing with me now.
I know she couldn't throw away a $400 camera.
It's gotta be hidden in here somewhere.
Oh, no, Jim.
Give it up.
She's too good.
You're never gonna find it.
Oh, why don't you just tell her you screwed up and she'll give you the camera back? No, no, no.
That's exactly what she wants me to do.
No.
She's really pushing this thing.
You know what that tells me? That's she's got a really good point? No.
That she's a worthy adversary.
I just have to take the offensive, that's all.
Trust me.
I'm gonna find that camera, Andy.
Right.
Cool.
Hey, so how you gonna do it? I'm gonna do some serious thinking.
I may even take a piece of paper and a pencil in the john with me.
What're you doing? Nothing, Jim.
This is my nothing time.
I have five more minutes of nothing before I need to start dinner.
Okay.
What do you want? I just noticed that your car was dirty.
And I thought I'd take it for a wash.
Honey, thank you.
The keys are in my purse.
Where's your purse? Where it always is, by the It was just there.
Wonder where it could be? What a conundrum.
You heard what I said.
Jim.
Mmm-hmm? What did you do with my purse? - Maybe - Maybe I threw it out.
Well, then, you threw out your wallet, because you asked me to hold it for you last night.
Maybe I took the wallet out of the purse before I threw it away.
Show me your wallet.
I don't have to show you my wallet.
I'm the one holding the cards here, baby.
And how does that feel? Does it burn? Of course it does.
That's why I'm willing to make you a deal.
Your purse for my camera.
Oh, damn it, Jim.
You bested me.
Have I? Wow.
All right, do you mind if I make a quick phone call? Sure.
Sure.
Sure.
Run it by your people.
Get a second opinion.
Even a murderer gets one call.
Ow! How does it feel, Jim? Does it burn? Oh, and, sweetie, would you make sure they do that shiny thing to the tires? I like that.
Fine.
I just hope I don't lose the keys on the way.
Oh! Oh, I can't believe it! Can't believe it! Can't That's funny.
Andy's Bobo used to jump around just like that.
Dana.
Dana, come on.
I know you know where that camera is.
What's it gonna take for you to spill the beans? Jim, if you want to end this, why don't you just pay attention to what's important to your wife? Ten bucks.
Twenty.
Fifteen.
That's as high as I'm authorized to go.
Twenty.
All right.
Fine.
Twenty.
Pushy, huh? She just cleaned me out! Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I got an emergency stash right here.
Ugh.
Oh, God! There.
All right, just drop it in.
And don't let it touch the sides.
Okay, okay.
Where is it? Go to where she keeps the detergent.
Over there! All right.
Turn around.
And go like this! Bye-bye, Bobo! Oh, man.
I've been looking at these books for a week.
I cannot look at another fabric.
Why don't you just close your eyes and pick one like you did with your husband? Cheryl, you have to come in the living room and see this.
It is so cute.
Oh! Aw! Cheryl, isn't this the most adorable thing you've ever seen in your life? Dana, look! Oh, my God! Go ahead, girls.
Go ahead and show them.
Oh! I wanna take a nap, Cheryl.
Not until you mow the lawn, Jim.
Nag, nag, nag.
Oh, they're just so cute! I could just eat you up.
If only there was some way we could digitally preserve this moment in time.
Oh! All right, Jim.
I know what you're doing.
I'm not doing anything, Cheryl.
No, these things happened just by chance.
Oh.
Hey, girls.
You want a box of kittens? Yay! Oh, look at the kittens! Don't get too attached.
They go back to the store in an hour.
Would you stop trying to get your camera? I don't have it.
Oh! But, Cheryl, kitties! What is wrong with you? What? Nothing! Bribing my sister? Hiding my purse? Renting a box of cats? You know, if you spent half the amount of time trying to figure out what's going on with me Excuse me, guys.
I as you did planning all this, you would have had your camera days ago.
Guys Oh! So you did hide the camera.
Yes.
You didn't throw it in the trash.
Well, at least we're making some progress here.
So I hid it.
Are you happy Guys! Kyle just started walking! Oh, Andy, come on.
I'm not gonna fall for that.
- I've got to find it.
- Cheryl, Kyle really is walking! Oh, my God! Oh, get the camera! Get the camera! I don't know where it is! Oh! I'll get it! Keep him walking! That's it.
Okay, come on, Kyle! Okay, come here, Kyle.
Come to Auntie Dana! No, no, no, you're losing him! You're losing him! Come to Daddy.
Come on, walk to me, Son.
Hurry, Mommy, hurry! Uh, Kyle, like this.
Like this, Kyle! No, no, no, Kyle.
Don't walk like that.
Walk like a boy.
Uh-oh! Out of the way! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Do it now.
Hurry, hurry up! We're losing him! We're losing him! Oh! Come on.
Come on, Kyle.
Get up! Get up.
Come on.
Walk to Mommy.
Walk to Mommy! Oh, forget it, Jim.
It's too late.
Come on! You can do it, Kyle! No, it's too late.
Oh! Here's your camera.
You win.
Yeah.
Man, this hurts.
Yeah, I know.
No, the cat.
Get it off me.
Hey.
Hey.
The girls asleep? Yeah.
With the kittens.
I took a picture of them.
It was pretty cute.
Oh, really? Can I see them? I deleted them.
Ha! Just kidding.
Hey, do you think Kyle will ever walk again? Oh, honey.
Don't worry.
You know, every kid is different.
Like, I didn't start walking till I was two.
But I started shaving when I was 11.
Hey, you know what I've been thinking about? Make-up sex? No.
The NFL draft.
How would you feel if I started vacuuming while you were trying to watch it? Cheryl, you would never do that.
No, I wouldn't.
And you know why? Because it's important to you.
The NFL is important to everybody, Cheryl.
Jim, believe it or not, there are some people who couldn't care less about the NFL draft.
Oh, yeah.
I'm one of them.
I think it's stupid.
Our whole marriage is based on a lie! Honey But you see, honey, I pretend to care about it.
Because on a scale of one to ten, you are a nine.
Only a nine? Well, you're a 10 when you unload the dishwasher.
How about when I do my Chippendales dance? Oh, that is off the scale.
It's also why we need new curtains.
Oh, this is a nice fabric, right here.
Yeah, isn't it? I thought that would pick up the colors in the rug.
You know, that's exactly what I was thinking.
Yeah.
I could This one here.
I could live with this one.
It'd be nice with the duvet.
Nice? Try great.
You're hating this, aren't you? Yes.
But I think I pretended pretty well.
That's all I ever wanted.
All right.
But tomorrow night, can we look through my lingerie catalog? Jim, Juggs Magazine is not a lingerie catalog.
Hey, Jim.
Jim, check it out.
I got to missing Bobo, so I went out and bought myself another one.
Well, isn't that great? No! No! No! No! Why? Andy! Andy!