Adam Ruins Everything (2015) s02e01 Episode Script

1 (BIRDS TWEETING) (SIGHS) (SNORING SOFTLY) (SIGHS) Ugh.
(GASPS) Uh-oh.
Murph.
(YELPS) (TIRES SCREECHING) Go, go, go! (WOMAN) We're never having sex again.
What if you're pregnant? I mean, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know! Ugh.
I mean maybe it's time.
We gotta have kids at some point, and my biological clock is ticking, so (DISTANT WHISTLING) Emily, what was that? I must've stated a commonly held misconception.
(LOUD THUD) (RUMBLING) He's coming.
(BOTH SHRIEKING) Hello, my friends! (BOTH) Ugh.
Hate to break it to you guys, but everything you know about having a baby is wrong.
Okay, worst entrance by far.
Thank you! Hi, I'm Adam Conover, and this is (BOTH) "Adam Ruins Everything.
" Oh! Ugh.
(SCREAMING) Hiatus over already, huh? - Yep, it's a whole new season.
- Joy.
Okay, so what'd I do this time, huh? Did I pee on the stick wrong? What? No.
It's that, when it comes to your "biological clock," you've got way more time than you think.
Uh, no, no, no.
My uterus is getting worse by the second.
I mean, if I want to have kids, I have to do it by the time that I turn 35.
Ah, yes, 35.
The age when the media tells us a woman's fertility rate supposedly plummets.
You got to get pretty serious about having kids before 35.
You're getting older, and you know that clock is ticking.
By the time we're 35, fertility has decreased by 50% (EMILY) Gah! Whew.
See? I got to get baking now before this oven breaks down.
I mean, they have done studies.
Sure, but where those studies got their data from is real weird.
Was is it from a large, well-conducted sample of modern women? Nope.
It came from rural French census records from the 1600s.
(WOMEN COUGHING) Ohh ohh Wait, seriously? I have been getting fertility advice from a bunch of 400-year-old French farmers? (WOMAN) Unfortunately, yes.
Oh! Emily, this is Jean Twenge, the author of "The Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant" and the researcher who discovered the truth about this data.
You know, when I wanted to have kids in my late 30s, I was as freaked out about these studies as anyone.
But I'm researcher, so I looked into it.
And I found out that nobody really noticed that these claims were based on such old data.
And that's a problem, because that means they come from a time before fertility treatment, antibiotics, or modern medicine.
Yeah, there could've been a lot of reasons these women weren't getting pregnant after 35.
Maybe their husbands had gone to war.
Maybe they had diseases.
Or, I don't know, maybe they just stopped having sex.
Um They truth is, in modern data, average woman age 27 who's healthy has an 86% chance of getting pregnant within a year.
And that same woman at age 37, her chances are to 82%.
That's like barely a difference.
You know, if you don't have fertility problems already, you can have a baby later than you think.
Age doesn't really affect fertility that much until you're in your 40s.
Take it from me, I had three kids one at 35, another at 38, and then at 40.
Whew, congratulations.
Honestly, it was no sweat.
Okay, farmers, let's get you back to the past where you belong.
Thanks, Jean.
Yeah, au revoir, everyone, au revoir.
Yeah, merci very much.
But I read that by the age of 40, your chances of birth defects double.
(WOMAN SCREAMS) You know, the hen house may be workin', but the eggs are goin' sour.
Not quite.
Miscarriages do become more common, but your chances of having a baby with a birth defect only "double" from .
5% to 1%.
That's like nothing.
Yeah, exactly.
But if they say it doubles, it sounds way scarier and sells more magazines.
All this fear-mongering has caused a generation of women to panic that they're going infertile in their 30s.
And if you've seen this show before, you know what happens when people get scared corporate America swoops in to take advantage.
(WIND WHIPPING) Egg freezing industry, "ice" to meet you.
Egg freezing began as a way for women to save their eggs before undergoing chemotherapy.
But today, it's grown into vanity industry that preys on fertility fear.
Your eggs are rotting, fast.
So we're gonna freeze some now and thaw them out later when you're ready to have a baby.
What she failed to mention is that each of those eggs only has a 2% to 12% chance of resulting in a baby, and the whole shebang is gonna cost you upwards of $20,000.
- 20 grand? - Yeah.
And all that money is usually wasted.
The vast majority of women who freeze their eggs never actually use them because, again, you can get pregnant in life later than you think.
You scammer.
Oh, oh, "snow.
" (WIND WHIPPING) That was awesome! Truth is, Emily, if you're in good health through your early 40s, you don't really need to stress that much about fertility.
I've been planning my whole life around the idea that we have to have a baby soon.
Well, you don't.
If you're not ready to have a kid now, that's okay you've got time.
Man, I feel so much better.
You know what? Why rush this? We should just wait to get pregnant? We're gonna be parents! Sorry.
I'm pregnant.
There's a thing inside you.
Yeah, there's a Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Ah, woof.
It just sucks I can't get nooched or do judo for, like, nine months.
Kind of wish I could just, like, skip the pregnancy and get right to the baby.
Oh, I can help with that! (BOTH SCREAM) Now, let's talk baby names.
(CROWD APPLAUDING) Let me do it.
Oh so you have a baby.
That happened fast.
I know.
I wonder if I'll ever have kids.
You know, I have been talking to a girl online.
Sure you have, bud.
(BABY CRYING) Ooh, it's okay, heh.
(GASPS) Ah, wait.
Is that formula? No, tell me you're breastfeeding.
Oh, um, well, I tried.
But he kind of was having a hard time latching at the hospital, and the nurse says it was okay that I supplement, so Um, formula is toxic.
You have to breastfeed.
Ugh, no way.
I hate when people breastfeed in public.
Do that at home, nobody wants to see that.
Um, excuse me? It's totally natural, women have been doing it for millions of years.
Excuse you.
- It's rude.
- Rude? Nobody wants to see your exposed nudity.
Adam, help me.
Tell them which one is right.
Oh, oh, no way am I getting in the middle of this.
I heard formula has autism in it.
(WOMAN) That's it! (BOTH) Hi, Miss Murphy.
Hey, Patti.
How many kids do you knuckleheads have? (BOTH) None.
Well, I have two, so shut up.
You, you're gonna tell a mom where and when she can feed her baby? Get a life! Breastfeeding is normal, natural, and great.
Preach, sister.
And you, how dare you judge how a mom feeds her kid.
Formula isn't just healthy and safe, it's a literal lifesaver.
Emily, let me show you.
Okay.
Knowledge from a primary source.
(SQUEALS) Oh, thank goodness.
Can you help me? Because the hospital says it's okay to use formula.
But then I read an article online that says it's baby poison.
Honey, I was just like you.
First kid, I worried about everything.
Second one, not so much.
And formula isn't poison.
It's a friggin' godsend.
Before formula, the only way to feed your baby was to breastfeed.
And forget about getting anything else done because breastfeeding takes 35 hours a week.
What? That's like a full-time job.
And the worst thing is, if you couldn't breastfeed, there weren't any other good options.
(IRISH ACCENT) My teat's all tapped.
Looks like bread soaked in water for you little spud.
This is a real thing people did.
Babies grew up malnourished or died if their moms couldn't breastfeed.
Oh, that's horrible.
Then, in 1865, this friggin' Albert Einstein named Justus von Liebig, invented baby formula.
Ma'am, your babe shall no longer dine on duck food.
Instead, he will dine on science.
Formula allowed women to leave the house or join the workforce.
But most importantly, it saved babies' lives.
Look out, world, here we come! Hmm! No, I need that.
Formula isn't scary it's a modern miracle.
Okay, but isn't formula just a bunch of chemicals? Well, yeah, Emily, it is, because literally everything is a bunch of chemicals.
Breast milk is also chemicals.
The question is whether those chemicals are nutritionally different.
And the answer is no.
Meet professor and lactation expert Courtney Jung.
Hi, Emily.
- Hi! - Patti's right.
Formula is a safe and nutritionally complete alternative to breast milk.
For things like IQ, asthma, allergies, eczema, once you account for income and education, there's almost no difference between breastfeeding and formula feeding.
The evidence that breastfeeding makes a difference is just inconclusive.
Oh, yeah.
I formula-fed Murph.
I breastfed his brother Durph, and they're both idiots.
(MURPH) Aw, Mom! Durph just threw a bocce ball at me! Hey, dude, look here.
- Idiot! -- Dude.
Murph has a brother? Yeah, luckily he doesn't visit much.
You're done, dude.
The fact is formula feeding is a completely safe and nutritious alternative to breastfeeding.
If you want or need to feed your baby formula, do it with confidence.
Wow.
Thank you.
Thanks, Professor Jung.
No, wait! (CAN CLANGS) What about places where they don't have access to clean water? Good question, hairball.
Mixing contaminated water with formula can be harmful.
But if you use clean water and sterilized bottles, it's a completely safe and nutritious option.
Oh.
Not so fast.
I read mommy blogs, like, for fun.
And they say that breastfeeding actually makes your baby love you more because it releases a bonding chemical called oxytocin.
Oh, oh, can I take this one? Go ahead.
Oxytocin is a hormone that gets released when you do things like hug or cuddle.
That's why the media loves to call it "the love hormone.
" But that same hormone is also released when you do things like fire a gun or watch porn.
(GUNSHOT) That's because hormones are complicated chemicals that get released all the dang time.
And the truth is we don't understand them that well.
According to a comprehensive review from 2008, there is no convincing support for a connection between breastfeeding and the quality of the mother-infant relationship.
Hmph! Breastfeeding is a great way to bond with your baby.
But it's not the only one.
And the fact is not all women can do it.
15% of moms can't breastfeed, not to mention the parents who foster and adopt.
So, the next time someone tries to guilt trip you or any other parent about how they feed their baby, you tell them they can eat my feet.
Thanks, Patti.
Wait, where's my baby? (GENTLY) Then, Ronda ripped Carmouche's arm back until she was forced to tap out.
Yeah and that's the UFC fight where Mommy and Daddy met.
You know, Emily, another great benefit of formula is that while Murph feeds the baby, you get a chance to (SNORING) Oh, she looks like a little angel.
Wonder how she'll take the news about postpartum depression? Nah, I'll break it to her after she wakes up.
- Shh.
- Okay.
Go.
(SNORING) Hello, everybody, I'm here in the "Adam Ruins Everything" office with Courtney Jung because I have a few more questions for her about breastfeeding.
So how did we get this idea that breastfeeding is the only way to go? Where'd that come from? That goes all the way back to 1970s.
You have Nestle producing formula and aggressively marketing it in poor countries where woman don't have access to clean water, and they are over diluting formula because it's expensive.
Oh So it leads to babies that are malnourished and actually dying.
So you have a spike in infant mortality.
And that creates the impression that formula is dangerous.
But all the activism against Nestle, you have the Nestle Boycott starting in the 1970s continuing to this day.
That's the history of the idea that formula is poison.
So what happened was Nestle sort of pushed formula in these places where formula wasn't really appropriate in those countries, but people sort of generalized that into this overall idea that formula is bad everywhere when it really isn't.
Well, the fact is that around 15% of mothers actually cannot breastfeed.
Really? They will not produce enough milk to feed their babies.
And so for that 15% of women who actually, literally, can't breastfeed, formula is obviously a lifesaver for their children.
Those women shouldn't be stigmatized in any way for that.
Right, exactly.
One of the things that happens is that babies are endangered.
Because women truly believe all women can breastfeed.
"All women" can breastfeed is one of the slogans of breastfeeding advocates.
So women believe, and doctors tell them, all women can breastfeed, which is simply not true.
And so that's what leads to the shame.
And I want to be clear, like like your position is that, uh, breastfeeding is a great thing to do.
Absolutely.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with it if I have two kids, I've breastfeed both my kids.
For me, it was easy.
But it's not easy for a lot of people.
If breastfeeding works for you, that's great.
If formula feeding works for you, your baby's going to be okay, too.
Well, Courtney, thank you so much again for coming on the show to talk us about this topic.
with more "Adam Ruins Everything.
" (BABY COOING) (GASPS) Look at you.
Maternal bliss.
This is the happiest time in a woman's life.
It was probably love at first sight.
God, aren't you just, like, obsessed with your baby? I I mean, I guess.
Wow, look at the time.
Let's go.
You'd take a bullet for him, right? Right? Hey.
I guess it's it's just us now.
(BABY FUSSING) Oh! Shh, shh.
Oh, come on.
(BABY CRYING) You're happy.
I'm happy.
Love at first sight, remember? (CRYING CONTINUES) Would I take a bullet for you? I don't know.
I don't know if I would.
I don't know you.
You are a freaking stranger! Ohh hi, baby.
(CHUCKLES) Oh here we go.
There we are.
Uh He, Em.
What's goin' on? It's just this instant maternal joy that everyone says I'm supposed to feel.
It's not there.
I'm a bad mom.
Emily you know it's normal not to instantly fall in love with your baby, right? No, it's not! We're supposed to have this ancient mother-child bond, and it's not happening! Actually, that idea is really recent.
- Really? - Yeah.
In that past, infant mortality was so high, many people preferred not to get too attached.
Sometimes, they wouldn't even name the baby until it had survived an entire year.
Nice to meet you, number four.
I hope you make it.
But after modern medicine, infant morality plummeted.
It became safer to emotionally invest sooner, and we developed this idea of an instant mother-child romance.
Oh, my! Who are you? But as far as scientists can tell, there's no biological basis for this behavior.
It's just a cultural shift we made about 100 years ago.
Now, if you immediately feel that maternal joy, that's great.
But if you don't, there's nothing wrong or unnatural about that.
Sometimes, that kind of love just takes time to grow.
Or you might have (TRUMPET FANFARE) (SLIDE WHISTLE, WHOOPEE CUSHION) Postpartum depression! Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I don't want this.
You don't have a choice.
Postpartum depression is chemically identical to regular depression, except it's triggered by pregnancy.
And it's really common.
Every year, up to 600,000 women get it in the US alone.
That's more common than breast cancer! Ugh, sorry.
Durph's PT Cruiser wouldn't start.
Whoa, what's happening? What's this bird? Oh, he brings Postpartum depression! (SLIDE WHISTLE, CLUNK) What? Men can get it, too! Hmm.
Oh, this feels awful.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) (RAIN PATTERING) I just don't feel like myself anymore.
I feel stuck.
Like every decision I am ever going to make, I have already made.
And I don't know if I like the way that it turned out.
I just I feel like I'm gonna feel this way for the rest of my life.
You don't have to.
There is an effective treatment for postpartum depression.
Really? Wh-What is it? Talking about it.
Research shows that just a few short therapy sessions can dramatically reduce feelings of guilt and sadness.
But we're so scared to talk about this problem that more than half of women never even tell their friends they have it.
And only 15% ever go to a therapist.
15? That's really low.
Yeah it's a shame, because talking really is the best medicine.
(EXHALES SHAKILY) Murph I'm frustrated with our baby, and sometimes, I regret having him.
And I feel guilty that I feel that way.
Emily Me, too.
Really? Yeah having a baby kinda sucks.
It does! And he's like so loud.
And like, he's cute, but sometimes he just looks like a wet cashew.
Plus, now there's just (BOTH) poop everywhere! Ahh, that feels better.
(THUD) (STORK) Mm, bea-utiful.
Why are you still here?! (STORK MUNCHING) (BOTH SIGH) I feel really overwhelmed.
Yeah, you're allowed to be.
In this country, we put so much pressure on ourselves to live out this perfect parent narrative.
You have to give birth young, you have to breastfeed.
You have to fall in love with your baby instantly and be happy forever.
But the truth is, no family's story is the same as every other's.
And you guys have to do what's best for you and your family.
Once again, he's right.
And, actually, there's one more huge cultural norm you guys have been following the whole time without even realizing it.
What? Wh-What is it? Oh! I'll show you.
(LOUD CLATTERING, COUPLE SCR) Welcome back! I got more questions for Jean Twenge.
People say, "Oh, if I have the kid later," they have this idea that, oh, then the kid's gonna have a worse life.
But there's also the idea that if you spend more time in the workforce to sort of get your income up, or or save up, that can be just as beneficial to the kids' life in terms of stability or Yeah, absolutely there's a couple studies showing that women who have kids younger, they it ends up impacting their overall lifetime income.
So there's that consideration, you know, for the woman or the couple themselves.
But then also for the kid.
I mean, there's advantages and disadvantages, no matter when you have your kid.
Right.
So you probably have a little bit more energy if you have them earlier, but you have less money and less stability and less maturity.
So I think it's a good message for women to know that there's not this, oh, 35 and you're all done.
I mean, that's sort of one of the goals of our show is to sort of reduce worry, and so that was why we were so happy to find your work.
Well, and as a psychologist, I endorse your goal, um (LAUGHING) Reducing worry among the populace.
That's great, well, thank you so much for being on the show, Jean.
I really appreciate it.
Absolutely, thank you.
(COUPLE SCREAMING) Where are we? We're in a time tunnel.
See? Look at all the clocks.
We can't be in a time tunnel.
We have a baby to take care of.
Oh, no you don't.
What? Oh, none of that happened.
I just took you down an alternate time line.
Did I not say that in act one? No! Oh, God, I am so sorry.
Normally, I say everything that comes into my head.
I thought I snapped.
Why?! I'm sorry, I just wanted to show you guys that you don't have to follow this cultural script.
You don't have to beat the biological clock.
You don't have to be obsessed with your baby.
Most importantly, if you don't want to, you don't have to have a kid at all.
What? My mom told me that if I don't have kids, I'm going to regret it! Yeah, isn't life empty without them? That's true for some people, but it doesn't have to be for everyone.
Having a child is rewarding, but it also closes off other life paths that can be just as rewarding.
That baby really was putting a crimp in my MMA career.
But who's gonna take care of us when we're old? I don't know, maybe each other? Plus, kids are no guarantee in that department.
I mean, are you guys supporting your parents? Woof, not on a teacher's salary.
Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean you won't have kids in your life.
I mean, you could be godparents or foster parents, or you could help support your nieces and nephews.
Durph is gonna need help with that.
Dude is super fertile.
(DURPH LAUGHING) If you really wanna have kids, that is great.
But there's no reason you have to.
There is such a thing as a happy, fulfilled, no-baby life.
And that's something we all need to give more credit.
So what is the test going to say? I don't know the future.
I just wanted you guys to know that, no matter what the test says, you're gonna be okay.
So we might actually be (WIND WHOOSHING) (EMILY) Not pregnant.
Okay.
Okay.
I can live with that.
Yeah we can wait.
Yeah.
And, since we're not gonna have a baby right now, maybe we should go travel.
Or maybe we could get another cat.
(GASPS) Ooh, or we could keep up naked jujitsu Fridays.
Thanks, Adam.
Oh, and hey Yeah? Don't ever make me give birth again.
My perineum shht! Like tissue paper.
Won't happen again! Bye, friends! (SIGHS) Whoop, just got my period.