ALF s02e01 Episode Script
Working My Way Back to You
Skleenball is very simple, brian.
Just sling your anchovies into your opponent's laundry basket.
Aw, missed ! Do we get to eat the anchovies after the game ? No ! Does marvin haggler eat his trunks after a fight ? Who dumped my clean laundry on the floor ? Brian.
Well, alf told me to.
We were playing skleenball.
It's not nice to rat on your friends.
What's skleenball ? A picture's worth a thousand words.
That picture was worth a thousand dollars.
Well, maybe the frame makes it look cheap.
I am tired of your breaking things.
If this happens once more, you will be living in the garage.
From now on, i'll treat this house as if it were my own.
Treat it as if it were my house, And don't break anything ! Cheap frame ! I guess it can be repaired.
Heads up ! Oops.
** I said i was sorry.
How many times do i have to say it ? It's gotten to a point where saying you're sorry isn't enough.
What if i write it down ? You don't get it, do you.
Get what ? This whole idea of living together.
We make rules and follow them To keep our lives from becoming chaos.
If anybody breaks those rules -- You, me, or anybody -- Then life becomes impossible.
You're right.
I don't get it.
Let me put it this way -- You're staying in the garage until we say you can get out.
That i get.
Let me ask you something.
Did you act this way in your parent's house ? No.
I lived in their garage.
Oh, sure ! Draw parallels.
Just think about what i've said, okay ? And we'll discuss it later.
Willie, please.
You can't leave me out here.
There are none of the comforts of home.
All right.
You can bring something out from the house.
Can it be something that answers to "hey, lucky" ? Just a thought.
Wait, i want to ask you something important.
What ? Uhhh.
Uhhh.
Goodbye, alf.
Wait, i know.
Instead of wasting time learning how to behave, Could i just suck up to kate ? Kate and i agreed about sending you out here.
If anything, you'll have to suck up to both of us.
Thanks, i'll remember that.
Handsome.
Willie ! Willie ! Our furniture ! We've been robbed ! Wishful thinking.
[Click.]
Oh, hi.
A housewarming gift.
How nice.
Who said you could bring this furniture out here ? Willie.
I did not ! You said i could bring something from the house.
I said something.
Not everything ! In all fairness, you did not make that point clear.
He did bring everything.
I didn't take that hideous clock.
That clock was a gift from my mother.
Did i say hideous ? I meant lovely -- Like your mother.
[Beep.]
That's the microwave.
Brisket anyone ? Forget the brisket ! Alf, take everything back into the house tonight.
And i emphasize everything ! And i emphasize tonight ! If you don't, you'll be out here permanently.
I notice you emphasize the word permanently.
Wait, Can we sit down and talk this out ? Just give me one minute.
Fine.
You have 1 minute.
Thank you.
Willie, don't sit in my chair.
That was my chair in the house.
Well, we're not in the house ! That's not fair.
Willie talked, too ! Penalize him ! What are you -- Mission control ? I just had a minute -- Half a minute ago ! Just say what you have to say ! Uh.
Uhhh.
Uhhh.
Good night, alf.
No !I need human companionship.
I don't know how i ever got along without it.
But now i'm hooked.
I'm a people junkie.
Please.
Don't go.
You go ahead, kate.
I'll sit out here with him for awhile.
What are you doing ? It seems like he really misses us.
I do, i do, i do.
He's got our furniture & brisket.
Now, he's after us.
You're right, of course.
You stay in the garage.
Without us, and without our brisket.
Good night, alf.
Wait, please ! Give me another chance.
I know i could change.
Let me move back inside for 1 week, and i'll prove it.
I'll be on my best behavior.
What if, during this week, you don't change ? Then, willie and i will move out here for good.
All right.
You've got a deal.
Kate, i don't want to move out here.
I didn't mean The deal is -- You stay in the house for 1 week, But if you mess up, you're history.
No problem.
[Crash.]
The week hasn't started yet, right ? Well, the furniture is back.
And he's fixed the painting.
And everything seems so much cleaner than usual.
No offense.
Good morning, sir.
Madam, your eggs benedict is served.
Oh, no !My he's usingshirt ! The stove.
My, that was fast.
You two must be famished.
Alf, what is going on ? Going on, ma'am? This food looks great.
Thank you, sir.
I believe a meal should be pleasing to the eye, As well as to the palette.
Just so that i know, Is the entire week going to be filled With a lot of "sirs" and "ma'am's" and haute cuisine ? Well, ma'am, per our deal, I wanted to show you how much it would please me To please you.
Well, thank you.
That's very nice.
I appreciate that.
The eggs do look delicious and the house is very clean.
It's amazingly clean.
It's not that clean.
Mmmmm.
What smells so good ? Alf, you look great.
Did a cleaning crew come in? The house looks fantastic.
For crying out loud ! Alf cleaned the whole house, And made this wonderful breakfast.
Tastes good.
Better than that stinky stuff mom usually makes, huh, brian ? Uh huh.
I didn't think alf was allowed in the house.
That was yesterday.
Today he's our butler.
If you don't mind, madam, i prefer the word manservant.
Helps keep me in my place.
[Knock at door.]
Anybody home ? It's trevor.
You better The new alf moves fast ! Come on in, trevor.
Hi.
Tanner, who painted your fence ? It looks great ! I don't what you're talking about.
Wow ! That looks great.
So who painted it ? Uhhhh.
Happy birthday, dad.
Oh, it's your birthday present.
I hope i didn't ruin the surprise.
No, i was going to look out the window soon, anyway.
So, how old are you ? I'll be 45 in august.
That's 6 months away.
It ain't your birthday.
You just had your fence painted to keep up with the ochmonek's.
Well, i'm not gonna tell you Where i bought my fluorescent flamingos.
We blew it.
Hey, kate, Great looking breakfast.
Mom didn't make it.
Who did ? Our manservant.
You got a manservant ? Just for the week.
Do me a favor.
Don't mention it to raquel.
You have our word.
Thanks, she went ape when she found out you had a vacuum cleaner.
Hey, listen.
Have jeeves, give me a jingle.
I might want him to paint my flamingos.
Will do.
Oh, jeeves.
There's something i'd like to ask you.
I know what you're going to say, sir.
I've already taken care of those ghastly flamingos.
You painted them ? No, they've been removed.
Tomorrow, i shall terminate the lawn jockey.
Morning, ma'am.
Alf, it's your last day.
There's no need to wax the floor again.
I'm free at the moment.
And i've finished shortening your dresses.
You shortened my dresses ? Well, they are showing higher hemlines this year.
Oh, brother.
Excuse me ma'am, but the wax isn't dry yet.
If you must go into the kitchen, i'll have to carry you.
Thank you.
I'll walk.
I'll wax in your wake.
Mom, how come you didn't get a piggyback ride ? I wasn't in the mood.
What's that slop ? It's eggs florentine, Brushed with a mandarin orange glaze.
How come we don't have anything to drink except perrier ? Alf gets it at cost from the french embassy.
Oh, relax, kate.
We're going to have the old alf back at sundown.
I hope so.
I don't want to take any more quiche to school.
Nobody will trade with me.
The week is over as far as i'm concerned.
I'm going to have a plain old orange.
Willie, i don't think i can make it 'til sundown.
Why don't we go away for the day.
Good idea ! That's silly ! Let's just tell alf he's won ? I'm for that ! You've won ! Won, ma'am ? The bet is off ! You can turn in your whisk broom and phoney accent, Let out a big burp, and get on with it ! Yeah, alf, let her rip ! What we're saying is We want the old alf back.
Please, i must insist we follow this through.
Isn't that one of the rules -- To follow things through ? Otherwise, we'd have chaos.
Our life would be impossible.
All right, we're leaving.
We'll see you at 6:14.
the sun goes down.
That means pledge week is over.
You can go back to being yourself.
Where are we going to go ? Who cares ?As long as it's someplace dirty.
Goodbye, alf.
Bye, alf.
Bye, alf.
See you after the metamorphosis.
Oh, sir william.
Is there some special meal you'd like for my last hurrah ? Aw, Oh, Actually there is one thing That kate's always had trouble with.
It's duck a l'orange.
No problem.
Shall i serve a nice hearty burgundy ? That would be lovely.
Count on it.
Willie, are you coming ? Oh yeah, you bet.
[Loudly.]
and we don't want anything fancy for dinner, either ! to go, luckmeister.
Then, i'll be down on you Like a buzzard on a gut-Wagon ! [Ding.]
Ah, the duck a l'orange is ready.
Have some wine.
It'll slow down your reflexes.
Zut alors ! The gas is on.
But, i forgot to light the oven.
Oh well, better late than never.
[Boom !.]
Argh.
Well, i guess we'll have to order in.
[Tv.]
tonight on "eye on the town" -- What do women in bikinis think of the japanese trade imbalance ? I love sweeps week.
Uh-Oh.
You'd better look at this ! Oh, my god ! Just take it easy.
You didn't lose everything.
You've still got your health.
I'm sorry the firemen had to chop their way in.
You people should give me a key.
Trevor, what happened ? I think i know.
Where is he ? Where is he ! Oh, jeeves ? I think he took off When he saw the mess in the kitchen.
The kitchen ! I want to see it ! Lynn, why don't you see if you can find -- Jeeves.
Trevor, i think we can handle this from here.
Thanks for waiting for us to come home.
My pleasure.
Hope you don't mind -- I was a little hungry.
I had some of the crispy duck, that was stuck to the wall.
Don't worry about it.
Have a good night.
No need to close the door.
Yeah.
Mom, do you think alf's okay ? I found alf.
He was hiding in the dryer with grandma's rosary.
I know what you're gonna say, And i've already accepted my fate.
I'm turning myself in to the alien task force.
I don't deserve to live.
Alf, why do these things always happen to you ? Beats me.
Maybe in a past life, i was a wrecking ball.
You were so good all week.
What happened ? Yeah, we'd really like to know.
I'll keep it simple -- The kitchen blew up.
This is like a roadrunner cartoon.
Alf, how did the kitchen blow up ? Well, the oven was on for awhile.
Then i realized i hadn't lit it.
I struck a match Didn't you smell the gas ? At the time, i thought it was dill.
Well, goodbye, And good luck.
Oh, come on back, alf.
You don't have anywhere to go.
We don't want you to go.
But, i failed.
I didn't live up to the agreement.
I don't deserve to stay.
We know that, but you're staying, anyway.
Okay.
Come on, now.
The place is a mess.
We've got a lot of cleaning up to do.
If there's alf proved this week, It's that he knows how to clean up.
That was the new alf.
Now that i'm the old alf I'll get the push broom, milord.
Hey, how's it going.
I thought you were taking these things back to trevor.
They're not trevor's anymore.
I bought them.
Actually, you bought them.
Your check's in the mail.
Hit the switch.
You gotta see this.
See what ? Trust me.
Just turn off the light.
[Click.]
Tell me -- Is this a significant moment, or what ? It's breathtaking.
Captions performed by by alien productions.
All rights reserved.
Just sling your anchovies into your opponent's laundry basket.
Aw, missed ! Do we get to eat the anchovies after the game ? No ! Does marvin haggler eat his trunks after a fight ? Who dumped my clean laundry on the floor ? Brian.
Well, alf told me to.
We were playing skleenball.
It's not nice to rat on your friends.
What's skleenball ? A picture's worth a thousand words.
That picture was worth a thousand dollars.
Well, maybe the frame makes it look cheap.
I am tired of your breaking things.
If this happens once more, you will be living in the garage.
From now on, i'll treat this house as if it were my own.
Treat it as if it were my house, And don't break anything ! Cheap frame ! I guess it can be repaired.
Heads up ! Oops.
** I said i was sorry.
How many times do i have to say it ? It's gotten to a point where saying you're sorry isn't enough.
What if i write it down ? You don't get it, do you.
Get what ? This whole idea of living together.
We make rules and follow them To keep our lives from becoming chaos.
If anybody breaks those rules -- You, me, or anybody -- Then life becomes impossible.
You're right.
I don't get it.
Let me put it this way -- You're staying in the garage until we say you can get out.
That i get.
Let me ask you something.
Did you act this way in your parent's house ? No.
I lived in their garage.
Oh, sure ! Draw parallels.
Just think about what i've said, okay ? And we'll discuss it later.
Willie, please.
You can't leave me out here.
There are none of the comforts of home.
All right.
You can bring something out from the house.
Can it be something that answers to "hey, lucky" ? Just a thought.
Wait, i want to ask you something important.
What ? Uhhh.
Uhhh.
Goodbye, alf.
Wait, i know.
Instead of wasting time learning how to behave, Could i just suck up to kate ? Kate and i agreed about sending you out here.
If anything, you'll have to suck up to both of us.
Thanks, i'll remember that.
Handsome.
Willie ! Willie ! Our furniture ! We've been robbed ! Wishful thinking.
[Click.]
Oh, hi.
A housewarming gift.
How nice.
Who said you could bring this furniture out here ? Willie.
I did not ! You said i could bring something from the house.
I said something.
Not everything ! In all fairness, you did not make that point clear.
He did bring everything.
I didn't take that hideous clock.
That clock was a gift from my mother.
Did i say hideous ? I meant lovely -- Like your mother.
[Beep.]
That's the microwave.
Brisket anyone ? Forget the brisket ! Alf, take everything back into the house tonight.
And i emphasize everything ! And i emphasize tonight ! If you don't, you'll be out here permanently.
I notice you emphasize the word permanently.
Wait, Can we sit down and talk this out ? Just give me one minute.
Fine.
You have 1 minute.
Thank you.
Willie, don't sit in my chair.
That was my chair in the house.
Well, we're not in the house ! That's not fair.
Willie talked, too ! Penalize him ! What are you -- Mission control ? I just had a minute -- Half a minute ago ! Just say what you have to say ! Uh.
Uhhh.
Uhhh.
Good night, alf.
No !I need human companionship.
I don't know how i ever got along without it.
But now i'm hooked.
I'm a people junkie.
Please.
Don't go.
You go ahead, kate.
I'll sit out here with him for awhile.
What are you doing ? It seems like he really misses us.
I do, i do, i do.
He's got our furniture & brisket.
Now, he's after us.
You're right, of course.
You stay in the garage.
Without us, and without our brisket.
Good night, alf.
Wait, please ! Give me another chance.
I know i could change.
Let me move back inside for 1 week, and i'll prove it.
I'll be on my best behavior.
What if, during this week, you don't change ? Then, willie and i will move out here for good.
All right.
You've got a deal.
Kate, i don't want to move out here.
I didn't mean The deal is -- You stay in the house for 1 week, But if you mess up, you're history.
No problem.
[Crash.]
The week hasn't started yet, right ? Well, the furniture is back.
And he's fixed the painting.
And everything seems so much cleaner than usual.
No offense.
Good morning, sir.
Madam, your eggs benedict is served.
Oh, no !My he's usingshirt ! The stove.
My, that was fast.
You two must be famished.
Alf, what is going on ? Going on, ma'am? This food looks great.
Thank you, sir.
I believe a meal should be pleasing to the eye, As well as to the palette.
Just so that i know, Is the entire week going to be filled With a lot of "sirs" and "ma'am's" and haute cuisine ? Well, ma'am, per our deal, I wanted to show you how much it would please me To please you.
Well, thank you.
That's very nice.
I appreciate that.
The eggs do look delicious and the house is very clean.
It's amazingly clean.
It's not that clean.
Mmmmm.
What smells so good ? Alf, you look great.
Did a cleaning crew come in? The house looks fantastic.
For crying out loud ! Alf cleaned the whole house, And made this wonderful breakfast.
Tastes good.
Better than that stinky stuff mom usually makes, huh, brian ? Uh huh.
I didn't think alf was allowed in the house.
That was yesterday.
Today he's our butler.
If you don't mind, madam, i prefer the word manservant.
Helps keep me in my place.
[Knock at door.]
Anybody home ? It's trevor.
You better The new alf moves fast ! Come on in, trevor.
Hi.
Tanner, who painted your fence ? It looks great ! I don't what you're talking about.
Wow ! That looks great.
So who painted it ? Uhhhh.
Happy birthday, dad.
Oh, it's your birthday present.
I hope i didn't ruin the surprise.
No, i was going to look out the window soon, anyway.
So, how old are you ? I'll be 45 in august.
That's 6 months away.
It ain't your birthday.
You just had your fence painted to keep up with the ochmonek's.
Well, i'm not gonna tell you Where i bought my fluorescent flamingos.
We blew it.
Hey, kate, Great looking breakfast.
Mom didn't make it.
Who did ? Our manservant.
You got a manservant ? Just for the week.
Do me a favor.
Don't mention it to raquel.
You have our word.
Thanks, she went ape when she found out you had a vacuum cleaner.
Hey, listen.
Have jeeves, give me a jingle.
I might want him to paint my flamingos.
Will do.
Oh, jeeves.
There's something i'd like to ask you.
I know what you're going to say, sir.
I've already taken care of those ghastly flamingos.
You painted them ? No, they've been removed.
Tomorrow, i shall terminate the lawn jockey.
Morning, ma'am.
Alf, it's your last day.
There's no need to wax the floor again.
I'm free at the moment.
And i've finished shortening your dresses.
You shortened my dresses ? Well, they are showing higher hemlines this year.
Oh, brother.
Excuse me ma'am, but the wax isn't dry yet.
If you must go into the kitchen, i'll have to carry you.
Thank you.
I'll walk.
I'll wax in your wake.
Mom, how come you didn't get a piggyback ride ? I wasn't in the mood.
What's that slop ? It's eggs florentine, Brushed with a mandarin orange glaze.
How come we don't have anything to drink except perrier ? Alf gets it at cost from the french embassy.
Oh, relax, kate.
We're going to have the old alf back at sundown.
I hope so.
I don't want to take any more quiche to school.
Nobody will trade with me.
The week is over as far as i'm concerned.
I'm going to have a plain old orange.
Willie, i don't think i can make it 'til sundown.
Why don't we go away for the day.
Good idea ! That's silly ! Let's just tell alf he's won ? I'm for that ! You've won ! Won, ma'am ? The bet is off ! You can turn in your whisk broom and phoney accent, Let out a big burp, and get on with it ! Yeah, alf, let her rip ! What we're saying is We want the old alf back.
Please, i must insist we follow this through.
Isn't that one of the rules -- To follow things through ? Otherwise, we'd have chaos.
Our life would be impossible.
All right, we're leaving.
We'll see you at 6:14.
the sun goes down.
That means pledge week is over.
You can go back to being yourself.
Where are we going to go ? Who cares ?As long as it's someplace dirty.
Goodbye, alf.
Bye, alf.
Bye, alf.
See you after the metamorphosis.
Oh, sir william.
Is there some special meal you'd like for my last hurrah ? Aw, Oh, Actually there is one thing That kate's always had trouble with.
It's duck a l'orange.
No problem.
Shall i serve a nice hearty burgundy ? That would be lovely.
Count on it.
Willie, are you coming ? Oh yeah, you bet.
[Loudly.]
and we don't want anything fancy for dinner, either ! to go, luckmeister.
Then, i'll be down on you Like a buzzard on a gut-Wagon ! [Ding.]
Ah, the duck a l'orange is ready.
Have some wine.
It'll slow down your reflexes.
Zut alors ! The gas is on.
But, i forgot to light the oven.
Oh well, better late than never.
[Boom !.]
Argh.
Well, i guess we'll have to order in.
[Tv.]
tonight on "eye on the town" -- What do women in bikinis think of the japanese trade imbalance ? I love sweeps week.
Uh-Oh.
You'd better look at this ! Oh, my god ! Just take it easy.
You didn't lose everything.
You've still got your health.
I'm sorry the firemen had to chop their way in.
You people should give me a key.
Trevor, what happened ? I think i know.
Where is he ? Where is he ! Oh, jeeves ? I think he took off When he saw the mess in the kitchen.
The kitchen ! I want to see it ! Lynn, why don't you see if you can find -- Jeeves.
Trevor, i think we can handle this from here.
Thanks for waiting for us to come home.
My pleasure.
Hope you don't mind -- I was a little hungry.
I had some of the crispy duck, that was stuck to the wall.
Don't worry about it.
Have a good night.
No need to close the door.
Yeah.
Mom, do you think alf's okay ? I found alf.
He was hiding in the dryer with grandma's rosary.
I know what you're gonna say, And i've already accepted my fate.
I'm turning myself in to the alien task force.
I don't deserve to live.
Alf, why do these things always happen to you ? Beats me.
Maybe in a past life, i was a wrecking ball.
You were so good all week.
What happened ? Yeah, we'd really like to know.
I'll keep it simple -- The kitchen blew up.
This is like a roadrunner cartoon.
Alf, how did the kitchen blow up ? Well, the oven was on for awhile.
Then i realized i hadn't lit it.
I struck a match Didn't you smell the gas ? At the time, i thought it was dill.
Well, goodbye, And good luck.
Oh, come on back, alf.
You don't have anywhere to go.
We don't want you to go.
But, i failed.
I didn't live up to the agreement.
I don't deserve to stay.
We know that, but you're staying, anyway.
Okay.
Come on, now.
The place is a mess.
We've got a lot of cleaning up to do.
If there's alf proved this week, It's that he knows how to clean up.
That was the new alf.
Now that i'm the old alf I'll get the push broom, milord.
Hey, how's it going.
I thought you were taking these things back to trevor.
They're not trevor's anymore.
I bought them.
Actually, you bought them.
Your check's in the mail.
Hit the switch.
You gotta see this.
See what ? Trust me.
Just turn off the light.
[Click.]
Tell me -- Is this a significant moment, or what ? It's breathtaking.
Captions performed by by alien productions.
All rights reserved.