All In The Family s02e01 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days oh, my.
That's the 11th time I've been up and down those stairs this morning.
I don't know why you do it, ma.
I know Oscar's a guest, but he's impossible.
I can see why he drives daddy up the wall.
Oh, well, he won't be here for long.
Where is your father anyway? Oh.
Oscar got up early, came down and grabbed Archie's sports section.
He went back to bed, so Archie had to go out and get another paper.
Oh, I bet that made him mad.
There was one other relative that aggravated your father-in-law like that.
Kind of a tall fellow with reddish hair.
Real large earlobes.
And warts on his right hand that he used to wear a glove to cover.
Ma, that's cousin Oscar.
That's right.
He just don't wear the glove no more.
Oh, Archie, there you are.
You had to get another paper? Uh, no, Edith.
I had to go out and inspect the traffic lights.
"Don't walk.
Walk.
" "Don't walk.
Walk," you know? They work fine.
I got something to tell all of youse.
I made up my mind.
I'm going to get rid of that bum Oscar today.
I got a call in to cousin Lou in Detroit.
He's the head of the family.
Let him figure out some way to get Oscar home.
And by the way, where's our guest of honor at this moment? He's in bed.
and that deadbeat is still up there sawing wood? Maybe he's tired.
Well, I ain't surprised.
He was up half the night flushing the toilet.
That's what has me a wreck today.
Yeah, I heard that too.
Maybe the man has a problem.
Maybe he isn't well.
He's well all right.
After the third flush he was doing it to spite me.
All his life he's been spiting me.
It could be insomnia.
Some people listen to water to help them fall asleep.
So he was running between his room and the toilet 32 times to help himself go to sleep? It does sound complicated when you think about it.
Do me a favor, huh? Just butt out of the conversation.
His whole being here is your fault anyhow.
Now will you vacate that chair, meathead? Daddy, the man showed up at our front door looking so desperate.
He's your cousin, Archie.
How could I say no? This way, Edith.
"No.
" Maybe we'll all feel better if we had breakfast now.
Oh, yeah.
Good.
I'm starving.
Yeah, me too.
- Shouldn't we tell Oscar we're eating? - No, no, no.
If he's still up there, we'll leave him go hungry.
Oh, he won't go hungry.
Right after he went to bed with your sports section, I took him up a little something.
Edith, I'm the married guy here, and I don't get my breakfast in bed.
It was just a poached egg and some prunes.
That ain't the point what it is, Edith.
And if there's anything that that guy don't need, it's prunes.
Geez, I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of the guy, she's giving him breakfast in bed.
And nothing on the table for us.
I'll get it right away.
I'll help you, ma.
Hey, arch, how long you felt this way about Oscar? Aw, forever.
He was six years older than me.
He was always this big hump with a whole lot of red hair And earlobes as big as apricots.
And all kinds of warts.
When we was kids, he was always chasing me on the grass, knocking me down and sitting on my face.
- That's it? - Ain't that enough? You mean all he ever did was sit on your face on the grass? Sometimes on the cement.
I can see where you can really get to hate a guy for that.
How's cousin Oscar related to you anyway, daddy? Aw, who knows? Like any second cousin eight or nine times removed.
Wait a minute.
I think I remember.
Your sister Alma had a brother Phil-- wait a minute, Edith.
Why do you say my sister Alma had a brother Phil? If my sister had a brother Phil, then I had a brother Phil too.
Well, sure.
But it's that way in every family, Archie.
Like my sister Helen is also my sister gertrude's-- oh, stifle it, will ya? I understand.
Hey, what is this? What's in these bottles? Oh, those are Oscar's vitamin supplements.
He don't need no supplements.
The guy eats as much as all of us put together.
If Oscar was here regular, I'd give myself three months Then it's over the hill to the poor house for me.
Eggs, Archie? No, no.
Forget it, Edith.
I got no appetite anymore.
Somebody get me a cigar.
Right away.
No.
Let me, ma.
Did he bring these vitamins with him? Oh, no.
When I went shopping they was on his food order.
His-- his food order? Edith, these vitamins cost the moon.
- What else was on the food order? - Nothing.
Just the regular.
Meat, fruit, liquor.
You bought him liquor? You only had rye.
He wanted Brandy.
He wanted Brandy? Daddy, I don't see any cigars here.
Well, just look a little harder, little girl, will ya? Use your eyes over there.
Edith, what have we got going here? Brandy? Who do I look like, the Duke of windsor? Edith, let me see the rest of the food order.
I don't have it.
I think I threw it away.
What do you mean you think you threw it away? "A," you did or "b," you didn't.
Pick one.
I think I'll pick "a.
" Daddy, there aren't any cigars here.
She says there are no cigars there.
What happened to my cigars? I guess you better ask Oscar.
Oscar don't smoke cigars.
He does now.
Well, now, that does it! Now that's the thing that broke the straw.
That's all there is to it.
I'm going to get rid of that freeloader today.
Right now.
Mike, go up and tell him.
- Why me? - Because I asked you to.
Can't you do that? Run upstairs, huh? Tell him get out of bed, get out of my pajamas and get his tail down here.
And youse two, come on and clear off the table.
Come on.
Maybe we'd better wait.
What for, Edith? It's almost his lunchtime, and his steak is already defrosting.
His steak? Edith, put that steak back in the freezer.
It's probably big enough for the four of us.
We can have it for new year's Eve.
He ain't gonna have time for no lunch, 'cause I'm gonna get rid of Oscar In post and in haste.
Come on.
Get the food off the table.
He'll eat anything in sight, that guy.
Hurry up.
Come on, Gloria.
I tell you something, family can go just so far.
Then you gotta grab the bull by the "corns" and heave-ho.
[ Clears throat .]
Did you get him up? Is he coming down here? No.
What do you mean, no? You didn't get him up, or he ain't coming down? Both.
What is that foolish look on your face? Why didn't you wake Oscar up? He's dead.
What? He's dead.
What are you telling me a thing like that for? 'Cause he is.
No.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
Wait.
Well, he sat on my face again.
He's got relations in 16 cities, but he's got to pick my attic to die in.
Is Oscar down yet, Archie? Uh, no, he ain't, Edith.
Say nothing to your mother-in-law.
She can't handle these things.
She flies all to pieces.
Is something wrong? What happened? Nothing's wrong.
Nothing's wrong.
[ Softly .]
She flies right to pieces.
Keep quiet.
Where's Oscar? Uh, in bed.
He hasn't moved.
What's everybody acting so funny about? Is something wrong with Oscar? She's going right to pieces, nobody even told her yet.
Shh! Told me what? Is it about Oscar? Told her what? Edith, please.
Don't get hysterical.
I think there's something wrong with Oscar.
Now, don't go up there.
Why not? Calm down now, you two women, just calm down! Gee whiz.
There's no reason to get hysterical at a time like this.
What we don't need is a lot of screaming and crying! Who's screaming? Who's crying? Just calm down.
Michael, what do you mean? Relax.
Take it easy.
The two of youse just dummy up, huh? Now let me handle this.
Edith, uh, I got something to tell ya.
Oscar's dead, isn't he? Why couldn't you wait for me to tell you that? Ma! Ma! What'll we do? [ Crying .]
Why, we'll call the doctor.
We'll call Dr.
Kelly so he can come over here And sign the certificate so we can move the body.
- [ Phone rings .]
- [ Screams .]
Let me through here.
I'll move the body.
Hello? Yes, operator.
Put him on, will ya? It's Lou from Detroit.
Hello, Lou.
Hi.
Archie from New York.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles .]
Lou, I was calling you for something before, but now it's something else I gotta tell ya.
A-anyway, uh, get ready for a little bad news.
Uh, cousin Oscar's dead here.
What do you mean, "how's the weather in New York?" I just told you Oscar's dead.
We gotta get him back to Detroit to be buried.
Now-now, come on, Lou.
Now you know how he was closest to your end of the family out there.
I think you're legally responsible for the body.
What do you mean possession is nine-tenths of the law? Come on.
[ Stammering .]
Listen, Lou.
All right, don't get mad.
We can do it here.
He can be buried in New York.
Edith and I can handle it.
But what about the money? Well, you got plenty of relations out there.
Pass the hat.
Get something.
Send us the money.
Wire it to me.
You do that, Lou.
Get back to me and fast, huh? Good-bye.
You crumb.
How much is a house call from doc Kelly? $20.
And how much do you figure that phone to Detroit? About 3 1/2.
Oh, geez.
And maybe another 30 to have this guy collected.
You're still doing it to me, Oscar, boy.
You ain't dead 20 minutes and already you cost me more than 50 bucks.
What's that, Freddy? Look-look, Freddy.
I mean, I'm only a second cousin, you're a first.
Now you gotta help with this thing.
I did call other people.
I called cousin Lou in Detroit.
He's taking up a collection of most of the relations there.
But, listen, you gotta help me with this thing too.
Well, Fred, just do what you can and get back to me, huh? Fast.
I'll wait for the call.
Yeah.
Good-bye.
You crumb.
What do you got to show us? Like I was telling your wife, you made a wise choice.
By entrusting your beloved to a neighborhood mortuary, you're gonna come out smelling like a rose.
Whitehead, how much? First and foremost, whitehead brothers wants to create a beautiful And lasting memory picture of the loved one.
Oh, ain't that nice.
Undertakers sound like mother's day cards.
Uh, Mrs.
bunker, we say funeral directors now.
You're not supposed to say undertakers anymore.
Oh.
Like the mafia.
[ Archie .]
Now stifle yourself.
Whitehead, come here.
Now listen, I know you 13 years from the lodge, right? And you know me.
Now, can I get a simple answer to a simple question? How much? Well, let's take a look at the book.
Go ahead.
All right, here's-- we got 329-l, arch.
We call it the patriot.
Now the motif is early American, as you can see.
Maple hardwood.
Red, white and blue quilting.
And painted on the inside lid, facing the deceased, the American flag.
How much? What's the difference how much, Archie? Mr.
whitehead, I've been listening in, and if you don't mind my speaking openly-- what better time for it, son? In the presence of death, we are all of us achingly aware of the solitude-- whitehead, hold it, will ya? Spare us the stained-glass language.
What was you saying? I just think this whole thing is barbaric.
It's like some kind of circus.
You said it.
And I'm the clown in the middle ring.
Come on, whitehead.
Now how much are you going to charge me for that flag number? $325.
$325 just for a box? The casket, Archie.
His home through eternity.
The man couldn't care less about a home when he was living.
I'm supposed to give him a home through eternity? [ Doorbell ringing .]
Hold on now.
No.
Edith, Edith.
No, no.
I'll answer the door.
I can't stand looking at them things.
Will you go over and pick something out, huh? From the back of the book.
Oh, Mrs.
Jefferson.
How are you? Mr.
bunker, I came as soon as I heard the news.
I'm so sorry.
What are you gonna do? Was his death untimely? Yeah, around lunchtime.
Well, I brought this for you.
Thank you.
Well, you know where the table is over there.
Hey, Edith, Mrs.
Jefferson is here.
What a lovely cake.
- Edith, a moment over here.
A moment.
- [ Doorbell ringing .]
All right.
Edith, we got people coming.
Try and get an apron on her, maybe they'll think she's the maid.
Oh, Archie.
Don't argue.
Go on.
Oh, hiya, Jimmy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know.
Archie, Archie, Archie.
Don't say nothing.
I know how you feel.
We know just how you feel.
Jim lost his father three years ago last month.
It was a beautiful service.
Uh, excuse me, Jimmy, huh? Edith, the mcnabs are here.
Whitehead, come here.
Let me ask you something.
Did you do the job on Jim mcnab's old man about two years ago? Jim mcnab's father.
$926.
We did it.
Are you telling me that mcnab laid out that much for a funeral, huh? [ Doorbell ringing .]
The important thing is when you walk away from that cemetery After a whitehead funeral, you're going to be able to hold your head up high.
Whitehead-- Archie, it's a telegram for you.
Good.
It's the relations in Detroit with the collection.
Let's see how high they want to hold up their heads.
About this high.
Read it.
Seventy-three dollars and twenty-five cents.
Our pet department gets that for a canary.
Excuse me.
Whitehead, it's time for a little plain talk.
Can a guy buy something, such as used? Used? Used.
Any floor models, demonstrators, fleet jobs? Whatever.
What you want then is something modestly priced.
Cheap, whitehead.
Dirt cheap.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
Now find something like that for me in here.
I gotta make a phone call.
Oh, Edith.
[ Sobbing .]
Where's Archie? [ Sobbing .]
Archie.
I-I came as soon as I heard.
Who even knew Oscar was living with you, the poor love.
Did he suffer long? Was it terrible? Who are you? [ Crying continues .]
I'm cousin Bertha.
Wilber's daughter from ozone park.
Hey, Edith.
It's been eleven years.
I'll pull myself together.
We'll have a long talk.
Geez, a death in the family, they come fallin' out of the woodwork.
Mr.
bunker, do you think the funeral will be in the morning? I usually do my shopping in the morning.
Well, I'll keep it in mind.
Maybe we can pass the market on the way.
Hello.
Come on, operator, will ya? Listen, I'm trying to get a line through to Cicero, Illinois.
Yeah.
Wh-what are you doing? Well, nuts to you too! Mike, come over here.
Stop feeding your face and help me, will ya? Do something around here.
What do you want? Keep dialing that number on the pad there.
When you get a line, let me know.
H-hey, Archie.
Billy hartfeld, how'd you find out? Oh, Kenny's wife told my old lady.
Anyway, when's the funeral? I don't know, Billy.
We're working up to it.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
Well, whenever.
Don't worry.
I mean, the whole department is going to turn out.
We got in the new union contract.
Half-day for funerals.
Oh, come on.
Find a chair somewheres and sit down, huh? - It's the reverend felcher.
- Good night, nurse.
Hold it, whitehead.
Hi there, reverend.
How are you? Mr.
bunker, I was so unhappy to hear of your sorrow.
I know that mere words cannot substitute for your loss.
Well, you can say that again, reverend.
You gotta excuse me 'cause I got my "funereal" director over here.
So, uh, er, just do something.
Eat some cake and cookies.
Go ahead, whitehead.
Shoot.
I got an item here on page eight.
Now, it's the lowest one we got.
Number 101-p, $97.
50.
But there's no guarantee against warping.
Sold.
All right.
Let's see what it comes to with the other essentials.
There's the burial plot, memorial tablet, limousine service, memorial prayer booklets, you're building it up, whitehead.
Recorded organ music, which I'll throw in free.
You're building up.
Give me the numbers.
All right.
It's about that figure there.
That's over 600 bucks.
Whitehead, I can't go for that.
We can talk it down-- arch.
It's ringing.
Huh? Don't go away.
I got a call.
Yeah.
Hello, is that you, Freddy? Well, who's this? Oh, Debbie Marie, huh? Well, is your daddy there? It's your birthday? No, no, Debbie Marie, I don't want to guess how old you are.
All right, five.
Six, then.
Look, kid, this is a long-distance call.
I don't give a damn how old you are.
Get your old man on the phone! Freddy.
Freddy, where are ya? I'm waitin' for your call here.
Huh? I know it's Debbie Marie's birthday.
I don't want to guess her age.
I done that already.
Freddy, are you gonna help me or not? What-what do you mean your wife won't let you? No, no.
Let them cut the cake themselves.
Stay with me on this line.
I called you long distance.
Freddy? Freddy, now don't get off the line.
Fred? Fred? There he goes.
What a crumb.
Get outta the way, will ya? Hey, Archie? Let me talk to you for a second.
What? I think I figured something out here.
I've been doing some checking up.
I figured out a way it won't cost you a penny.
If you want to go for it.
I'll go for anything like that.
What is it? You see, a cousin is not like a brother or a sister.
I mean, there may be a moral obligation, but there's no legal one.
All you have to do is call the coroner's office, they'll go to whitehead's, pick up the body and dispose of it.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I already sent him to makeup.
We'll pay for the makeup.
Will they pay for the funeral? Well, that's just it.
There is no funeral.
They just put him in the ground in a place they call Potter's field.
You know, it's for paupers.
Well, that's Oscar.
Hey, boy.
Hey, in a pinch you really come through there.
That's sensational.
Hey.
I hate to do this to you, whitehead, but we're gonna go this way for nothing.
Archie, the reverend felcher would like you to tell him something about Oscar.
You know, for the service at the funeral.
There ain't gonna be no funeral.
What? Don't argue.
Whitehead, you heard what I said.
Put your folders away.
I heard you, Archie.
But your friends and relatives didn't.
I'm waitin' to hear you tell them.
You're gonna hear me right now.
No, Edith.
I'm not gonna do it.
You gotta have a funeral.
Uh, listen, everybody.
Give me your attention, all of youse, huh? I wanna tell you something about the funeral.
Archie, listen.
Don't you see? Funerals ain't for the dead.
They're for the living.
All right, maybe you didn't like Oscar.
But he don't matter now.
What matters now is your friends, your relatives, the man upstairs, the maker of us all.
That matters, arch.
That matters.
Oh, whitehead-- Archie, we've been through worse than this.
When was that, Edith? Well, we've been through things just as bad.
When, Edith? Well, then we've been pretty lucky, ain't we? What do you want me to do? Spend over $600 on a funeral For a cousin who used to sit on my face? He'll never do it again.
[ Clears throat .]
Now, folks, what I want to tell you is, uh-- uh, the funeral, uh, is gonna be Saturday.
Archie? What? You better make it Friday.
They're negotiating right now, but the grave diggers might go on strike Friday midnight.
Friday, everybody.
The funeral's going to be on Friday.
Well, thank heavens that's over with.
Boy, what a travesty.
It was nice, wasn't it? I thought the reverend felcher's remarks were so beautiful.
Looking back over their childhood, Oscar's and Archie's.
How they played together all those years-- what do you mean, "how they played together"? All Oscar ever did was knock Archie down and sit on his face.
Hold it, huh? The deceased ain't hardly cold yet.
Have a little respect.
Sheesh.
What's with him? Before the funeral, he was another man.
I must say, it was impressive.
Barbaric, but impressive.
Where'd those people come from? What made so many people show up? Are you kidding? When Archie bunker gives a funeral People show up.
[ Announcer .]
All in family was recorded on tape before a live audience.