Alleyn Mysteries (1990) s02e01 Episode Script
Hand in Glove
Come on! Back in there.
Get out of the way! This is a private pub! You've got no right! Charging in here like a herd of wild elephants! This is a private office Three knifings in one week, Mr Ruskin What are you doing? Handing them out at the door? Inspector Fox, sir What is it, Robinson? Something you should see, sir Its paintings, sir Good God Lychee! Clever little boy! All right, Mrs Mitchell? Right as rain, Mr Belt - Morning, Mr Period, sir - Good morning, Alfred Looks like a lovely day It does indeed, sir.
It does indeed Oh, those chaps are still at it in the lane, sir They're taking their blessed time about it, I must say Look out! The bath's empty - For what it's worth - Thank you, Harold Oh, Mr Cartell's sister for luncheon, remember, Alfred? Yes, sir Good God! Lady Bantling's brother's died A car accident - In the Outback - Ah.
You'll be writing, of course, sir? Of course Poor Desiree Its a dangerous world, sir Was that a nice walkums? Lychee have nice walkums? Mummy's got a surprise for you today Yes, Moppet's coming to stay Yes, and she's bringing a friend Yes, isn't that nice? Oh, Danny boy A nice curry can be stretched, as you know To ridiculous lengths Im sure, miss.
Ill get Mr Cartell for you now Come on, Vixen.
Up you go, up you go to your master Come on now.
Come on, up you go That was Miss Cartell, wondering if the cuisine will stand two more for lunch - To whom was she referring? - To the adopted niece, that Miss Moppet creature And a friend Oh, God, Mr Period will not be pleased Confidentially, he can't stand the young lady And Im sure Mr Cartell feels the same Well, that was my sister, Mrs Mitchell, wondering Yes, I dare say we'll manage, Mr Cartell Good Ill let Mr Period know, then Come on then, if you're in such a hurry.
Come on For the life of me, I cannot understand what possessed our Mr Period, offering that man a room in this house Retired solicitor, he may be, and a gentleman, Im sure But we've been under our own steam far too long for sharing 1 st of April, Mr B! I thought it best to call you straightaway, sir Absolutely Being as each and every one appears to be by Miss Troy Yes I say! Nicola Maitland-Mayne? Yes? Well, well, PP's turned up trumps on the secretary front - Sorry? - Percival Pyke Period Your new boss.
Im Andrew Bantling, driving you to Chalfont Oh, how do you do? Im sorry I On the phone, you mentioned guard duty I thought youd be in uniform - Are you related to Mr Period? - Oh, no, no My legal guardian well, actually, my boring old ex-stepfather, Harold Cartell, lives in his house Good Lord! That's an Agatha Troy She's a friend of mine She painted it for my 21 st birthday I read an article about Agatha Troy, in which she said painting was more important to her than life itself Do you think that's true? I want to get out of the army Are you hoping to paint full-time? How did you know that I was a painter? Cadmium yellow under the nail of your right forefinger You ought to be a detective Here we are Don't know why PP needs a secretary all of a sudden Unless you're going to type up his letters of condolence His what? Oh, he's famous for them, writes them to anyone and everyone - Thank you, Alfred - Sir Well, Id better go straight up and get this over with, then Good hunting If you were hunting Thank you Good typing Percival Pyke Period Unhyphenated Friends call me PP Miss Maitland-Mayne? I dont make much of a to-do about the Maitland Oh, but you must, you must.
Such a splendid old family These things are very important Id much prefer just plain Nicola, anyway Oh, well, Nicola it is, then This is my great-grandfathers place at Ribblethorpe Consumed, alas, by fire Oh, what a shame They didnt really explain at the agency what my job is supposed to be Well, as a matter of fact, Im trying to compile a book Wonderful.
Your memoirs? No, no, no.
Something a trifle more utilitarian Its a book on etiquette How did you know they weren't mine? By the signatures Same position, every one identical Yours are all over the place Quite uncanny If you were to ask me to swear I didnt paint these, Im not even sure that I could Somebody takes the trouble to master your style impeccably, then duplicates the signatures as if from a printing press.
It doesn't make sense And why me? Surely it would be far less risky and far more profitable to forge the works of a dead artist? That had occurred to me You're not my father.
You're not even my stepfather You've no right to keep the money from me Im your legal guardian until your 25th birthday At least look at the figures Im not interested in the figures, Andrew Your father wouldnt have wanted you to resign your commission and that's that Letters of condolence So difficult You knew Lady Bantling's brother passed away? No, no, I didnt Im sorry, too, you horrible little man.
Sorry I asked you Oh, Dear.
A touch of awkwardity, I fear Andrews in one of his rages No doubt you've often witnessed them before We only just met this morning Really? Oh, when he said he knew just the girl, well, I thought naturally Andrew's the son of the very woman we were talking about, Desiree - Lady Bantling? - Yes.
Though, by rights, she ought by now to be calling herself Mrs Bimbo Dodds Has she remarried, then? Twice.
Once to Harold Cartell, with whom I sadly share this house, and then quite recently to Bimbo Dodds Bantling, Cartell, Dodds Its all been frightfully alphabetical - If you dont know what to do - look inside where the cows moo It doesnt scan, Bimbo, darling Im not a poet, Desiree Thanks for coming Ill let you know as soon as we find anything That's all? You've confirmed they're not yours.
Now leave the rest to us But I could help Troy! The moment you find anything Its very nice to meet you Oh, this is Connie's adopted niece, Mary Ralston - How do you do? - Hello I call her Moppet And what did he say, darling? He wouldnt budge The miserable, old You can't budge him And this is Mary's friend, Leonard L- E-I-S-S.
Leiss Rhymes with spice, but twice as nice How do you do? Very nicely, thank you Leonard, Id love a drink I was just about to offer - Everyone have the usual? - Leonard will do mine, Uncle Hal He knows my kind of wallop If he must Wallop? What a word, Moppet! The things girls say nowadays.
Honestly! What did they say in your day, Auntie Con? Snort? Mary, that was not one of the prettiest remarks It certainly wasn't.
You ought to exercise more discipline, Connie She's too impressionable, that's the problem The only way with Moppet is to beat her like a carpet - Oh, good grief! - Care to try? I intend to later Oh, no, I tend to see myself - When do you stop typing? - Four o'clock, I think Ill come back and pick you up about quarter past to drive you home May I? Your niece has turned up with a real specimen this time, Hal She's not my niece If Connie and the girl persist in that charade, fine, but Miss Ralston is no relation to my sister She's most definitely no relation to me Harold, Andrew says that you won't let him have his inheritance To fritter away on an art gallery? Certainly not It won't be frittering it away He's looked into the whole thing very carefully My decision is final, Desiree This is my son's future we are talking about Stubborn old My God, to think I was once married to you! Bimbo, Andrew, we really ought to go Let these people eat their lunch We're having a party tonight, by the way, Andrew, which you're staying for - I don't think I can, Mother - Of course you can Bring um Nicola, wasn't it? What a good idea! You will come, won't you? Well, I Yes.
Id like to very much What sort of a party? Treasure hunt A treasure hunt? How absolutely marvellous! Why dont you and Leonard come along as well? Gosh, Lady Bantling, thatd be .
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lovely, Lady Bantling.
Nice of you to ask Luncheon is served, sir - Come on, Cyril - As God is my witness, Chief inspector, these are not my work Im not suggesting you painted them.
Im trying to find out who did Then it's rather more in an advisory capacity than with a view to incarceration that you've invited me here? Have you got anything for me? You couldnt perchance advance me a few guineas, by way of a consultancy fee? By way of what? Im just a trifle stretched at the moment So is your credibility, Cyril Let's hear what you have to say first Two weeks ago, Hugo De Moncrieff asked me to look at a painting that had come in, purported to be an Agatha Troy self-portrait And? It was good.
It was very good Hugo said that he was not so much suspicious of the work as of the character who was trying to sell it - And what did you advise? - That he verify its authenticity with Troy directly One has that advantage with a living artist And did he hang the painting? It sold Last week Mr De Moncrieff, I have it on good authority that last week you were sold an Agatha Troy self-portrait Ive reason to believe it was a forgery A forgery? Id like to know where you bought it and whom you sold it to Chief inspector, in the first place, Gallery Moncrieff doesn't deal in forgeries In the second, the identities of our clients and customers are not a matter for the public record In the third, it's obvious you have no warrant And in the fourth, you should address any queries to my solicitor Good day Ill take that as a no, shall I? Im sorry, PP I have things on my mind other than your blasted cigarette case Well, the last people to be seen with it was that fellow Leiss and your Moppet She is not my Moppet Alfred, when you cleared after lunch, did you see a gold cigarette case on the little table by the French windows? No, sir Are you absolutely certain? Absolutely, sir Though I did notice that someone had opened the windows Well, there you are.
The workmen doing the sewage in Green Lane must have taken it Nonsense.
Ive spoken to them myself several times They're perfectly decent, hard-working chaps Very well, then Perhaps Alfred would care to reconsider his statement? Really, Hal, for goodness'sake! Thank you, Alfred.
So sorry to have troubled you Thank you, sir That does it! Him or me! - Him or me! - Ructions, Mr Belt? Very well, if you're that certain, I shall go now And if they don't produce the case, I shall insist on full criminal charges being brought against them I trust that will satisfy you? Come along, girl He's heading for Miss Cartell's Auntie Con's at some sort of hunt committee do But she ought to be back any minute Its you I wanted to see What about, Uncle Hal? Will you please stop calling me that? Im not your uncle All right, Mr Cartell What did you do with Mr Periods cigarette case? I beg your pardon? You heard me.
You and Leiss were looking at it after lunch What did you do with it? Your turn, Doll.
I left the water Oh, pardonnez-moi Am I interrupting something? Mr Periods cigarette case has disappeared You and Miss Ralston were the last people seen with it I put it to you that, having placed the case on that little table and opened the French windows, you later slipped around the side through the garden and stole it That's a very serious allegation, Mr Cartell I regard this as a very serious matter Unless it's replaced by tomorrow, I shall call the police I believe you would Quiet! Quiet, sweetie! Who let this blasted mongrel in? Get away! Get away! Trudi! Who brought this dog in here? Boysie, what on earth possessed you to bring that thing into this house? - Sorry, Connie, I didnt think - Take it out! Take it out! Ly! You called, Miss Cartell - Come on, old girl.
We're not welcome here - Calm down.
Poor baby There's a good girl! There's a good girl Im sorry, Constance, I do apologise.
If Id realized Come off it, Boysie You're hopeless with animals and that's all there is to it Now then, what's wrong? I can see you're in one of your moods Pour us a drink and tell me what the trouble is - I dont want a drink, Con - Well, I do Good God - What's that revolting stuff? - Girth gall ointment For horses? What did you want to see me about, Boysie? PP's cigarette case has gone missing Of course he wouldn't tell you! No art dealer in his right mind would tell a policeman Let it be known that hed had anything to do with art forgeries? The publicity would ruin their business overnight What was the gallery? Im not going to tell you Ive more than just a casual interest, Rory Its my reputation at stake! It isn't just that somebodys copied my style Its that they got inside my head Are they really that good? We'll find them Troy! You really must leave this to me I can't see why they both accuse you of doing such a thing if they didnt have some reason PP and Uncle Hal have nasty minds, Auntie Con.
That's all the reason they need I couldnt bear to see you getting into trouble with the police again You were lucky to get away with a warning before And this Leonard, Moppet I told you he had an unhappy background I didnt hide that from you, did I? But he needs love and understanding, that's all And I can give him that I can help him make something of himself You wouldnt want to spoil my happiness, would you, Auntie Con, by making me stop seeing him? Im so alone in the world Now Don't cry You know how it upsets me That's my little Moppet - Don't cry - Come on, sexy The party will be over by the time we get there - Good morning, Madam - Good morning, Alfred From Mr Period Thank you "My dear, what can I say? Only that you have lost a devoted brother, and I a very dear friend" Alfred, what's happened? - Happened, miss? - My brother.
Is he? Mr Cartell's not up yet, miss He's later than usual today.
Did you want to speak to him? Connie, good morning - Thank you, Alfred - PP, for Gods sake, what is all this? Your letter.
Are you mad? What on earth do you mean? I dont feel well Are you all right? Can I get you something? A glass of water? May I speak to you, sir? What is it, Alfred? Oh, forgive me, Connie, I won't be a minute What the blazes is going on? Why are you looking at me like that? Its Mr Cartell, sir I Not to put too fine a point upon it, sir .
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the men have found him in the ditch Dead A Mr Harold Cartell, sir The drain-layers found him at the bottom of the ditch Face-down in the mud with that sewer pipe on top of him Skull crushed, sir They thought he might be alive so they pulled him out But er Right, let's take a look Well, Bailey? Yeah, a couple of things There are indentations on that side of the ditch, which suggest that the plank bridge was moved so that it would give way when it was stepped on The wicks on both those lanterns have been turned right down And there are two holes There and there What if this was used to lever the pipe into the ditch? Exactly.
No chance it was an accident, sir Well, I dont want to hear any jokes about sewercide Any sign of the dog? Dog, sir? The mark on the victim's right hand Leather leash pulled tight.
Paw marks everywhere - Wake up, Robinson - Probably Pixie, sir A dirty great mongrel of a thing, by all accounts Seems he always took it out for a walk at one in the morning, regular as clockwork - Did he live here? - That's right Shared with the owner, a Mr Percival Pyke Period, sir Look, get the uniform lads onto some statements You try and find somewhere to set up an incident room with space for Bailey and the flash-and-dab boys Sir - Bailey - Sir? What's been going on here? High heels, brogues, work boots Itll be like trying to find a footprint in a wine press Mr Alleyn! Looks like a car with a leaky radiator stood here "Search the place we keep the tyres, at the home of one desired" Doesn't do anything for me A treasure hunt.
It would account for the footprints "Search the place we keep the tyres" A garage? "At the home of one desired " I was hoping to thank your mother for giving me a room for the night She's never up before noon What's the matter? Nothing, why? Well, you were looking at me Sorry I was just thinking that a person can wake up in the morning absolutely certain of where their life is going, and one chance meeting suddenly changes everything completely Im coming! Hello, Cyril Want to earn £5? Mr Period is in his study, sir - And you are? - Alfred, sir Alfred Mr Cartell's dog, Pixie, have you seen her? She returned this morning, sir, still trailing her lead I shut her up in the wood shed And the lead? Ill fetch it for you, sir Inspector Fox will come with you, if you don't mind - As you wish, sir - Right, sir I went to bed as soon as I got home but I couldnt get to sleep for some time Those treasure-hunters in the lane kept me awake till about midnight Then you slept.
Did you wake again? At one o'clock when he took Pixie out She made her usual disturbance, barking and whining.
Im afraid I cursed her Then she stopped You managed to get back to sleep? Yes, yes, I did Any other disturbances outside the window? No Did Mr Cartell have any enemies that you know of? Well one had to work very hard trying to like him but Anyone to whom he might have done harm had he lived? Absolutely not In all this upset, Alfreds forgotten to fill my boxes It's too tiresome.
Ive mislaid my beautiful cigarette case Oh, thank you so much This is the one, sir Ah, thank you, Alfred That's most helpful Ah, soda scones Very nice They're Mr Periods favourite Have you both been with Mr Period a long time? Ten years for me.
Mr Belt, all his working life I shall probably see out my time here now Oh, had there been some doubt before? As it happens, due to certain frictions between Mr Cartell and myself, I offered my resignation to Mr Period only yesterday Hed have been extremely sad to lose you, I shouldnt wonder He was mortified I thought he was going to terminate Mr Cartell's tenancy forthwith Naturally, we've developed a certain mutual allegiance over the years Naturally What sort of frictions were there between you and Mr Cartell? So he probably reached out with his right hand as he fell and Plop! Hello, what's this? You dont think Harolds death was an accident, do you? I think a trap was laid for him A trap? Dear God Had the planks over the ditch been interfered with? Yes I see But mightn't the whole thing have been just a joke? I mean, isn't that a possibility? Someone in the treasure hunt came along and moved the planks, and Harold fell and was lying there unconscious Then somebody else came along and inadvertently dislodged the sewer pipe Dislodging one of those sewer pipes couldnt have been done inadvertently Deliberately, as a prank A silly prank, but a prank all the same, not knowing he was lying there Chief inspector, sir Something here you might like to have a look at Excuse me Mr Pyke Period Is this, by any chance, the cigarette case you mislaid? Where did you? In the ditch Close to where the body of Mr Harold Cartell was found Dear God Leiss? Who? Well, my dear Harold, it seems your stinking dog and about half a dozen of her suitors has been creating havoc in the vicarage flower beds Fortunately, that stupid Reverend Elms managed to find them But he's very much upset over the whole thing Oh, Boysie! You always were hopeless with dogs Why don't you get rid of that ghastly mongrel? You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear I entirely agree, and have often said as much, I believe, to you My compliments to the chef.
Nice grub, Pepe Oh, not Pepe, please.
PP Is smoking allowed? Well, since you're our guest, we can hardly refuse Damn, left mine in the motor.
Hand over, sexy These are Turkish, Im afraid But you're welcome to try one, if you like Ta very much Turkish will make a change Nice case Let's have a look Well, actually, it's an 18th-century card case left to me by an old friend, Lady Charlwood 18th century? Well, I never The inscription's still visible, if you hold it up to the light If you mean what I think you mean Its OK by me Things aren't always what they seem Its OK by me Here's your vicar Looking a mite steamed up, I must say Oh, really, this is too much! Ill see to it, PP Just tell him the bitch is on heat and can't help herself Eh, sexy? Connie ought to have sent the fellow packing at the first glance Mr Cartell thought so, too, I dare say Yes, yes, indeed Oh, Im so sorry, the front door was Rory! He's a painter, isn't he? - You saw the cadmium - Cadmium yellow All right So What was the young Lieutenant Bantling doing here yesterday? Visiting Mr Cartell On business? Nicola Yes, hed tell you himself Good What time did you and he get back last night? Shortly after one I thought everybody had to be back before midnight? Andrew and I didnt take part in the treasure hunt We drove around for a bit, then parked in Green Lane It wasn't what you think! If I take over the Grantham Gallery, there's a studio in the back where I could paint and manage the gallery at the same time Is that what your meeting with Mr Cartell was about? Yes I want to paint more than anything in life And buying the Grantham's the perfect way to do it Or would be, if it weren't for that pontificating philistine I bet Agatha Troy never had any of these problems Good night And thank you so much for a lovely dinner I always enjoy our little chats But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? Good God! Desiree.
What are you doing down there? Im on the warpath, Harold You ought to know by now not to cross me Oh, go to bed! You're drunk and talking utter nonsense! Youd better watch your step, you! But listen, you don't want to take any notice of my mama Why, she was probably a touch squiffy It would amuse her to bait Harold She always does that sort of thing But she was annoyed with him? Well, livid Well, we both were So you're not exactly overwhelmed with grief? You'll have trouble finding anyone who is Lieutenant Bantling, someone set a trap for your stepfather And when he literally fell into it, that someone levered an 800-pound sewer pipe on top of him It crushed his skull and drove him face-down into the mud Rory! So, is there anything else either of you can tell me? Leonard Edward Leiss, petty larcenist, three arrests, two convictions, one for theft, one for fraud Dishonourable discharge from the army Used forged references to obtain job as a chauffeur Likes to move in circles above his station "Above his station"? - You know, sir, your lot - Honestly, Brer! Good morning Forgive me, but when did you last see your brother? Last evening He was taking Pixie for a walk Brought her into the house, like a fool Of course, Ly became hysterical and bit me They're very highly-strung animals, Pekes Poor baby's still upset, aren't you, poppet? Yes! Is that? Girth gall ointment.
Smells a bit, doesn't it? Works well, though Miss Cartell, yesterday, Mr Pyke Period gave a luncheon party What did you talk about? What does PP ever talk about but background and breeding? Of course I know that the war's broken down all the class barriers and Im as glad of that as the next man But there's something fundamental about good breeding Many things in life can be taught, but not good breeding Well, I think when people start making a to-do about family background and all, it's because they're a bit hairy round the heels themselves There's no replacement for breeding It takes 600 years to make an English lawn and an English gentleman Ive heard of it being affected in less than no time In fact, I know of a man who forged his own name in a parish register to establish his ancestry That's a good one - Was there any money in it? - How was he found out? Never has been At least .
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not in public There was some talk of a cigarette case that later went missing Was there? Not that I noticed I know PP had a cigarette case, but he's such an old muddlehead, he probably lost it himself He has suggested that Miss Ralston and Mr Leiss may have had something to do with its disappearance You dont want to pay any attention to what PP says about them He's out of touch with the young He expects them all to behave like his generation, a lot of po-faced, little humbugs From Mr Period.
The man Alfred has left this All right, Trudi, thank you Just leave it there Don't you want to look at that? Please My dear, what can I say? Only that you have lost a devoted brother, - and I a very dear friend - What is it? "I know so well what a shock this has been for you, - and how bravely you have taken it.
" - Miss Cartell? He must be mad! Mad May I see that? It seems like a perfectly conventional letter of condolence Why do you say that he must be mad? Because it's all happening again He's written it before Exactly the same When? This morning Before breakfast Before I knew Before anybody knew Before theyd found him See for yourself Before theyd found him £2,000, sir £2,000? Whew! My wife Bunny's crazy about art but Of course, I show up on the doorstep with this, she'll have to take me back, won't she? You can arrange for it to be shipped over to the States? Oh, but of course! I'd be more than happy to do so Good, good - Troy! - Hello, Hugo - What are you doing here? - I just thought I'd have a browse round - You dont mind, do you? - Of course not.
Feel free - What are you up to? - Up to? Up to £4,000 for the Degas Now, that is splendid Pretty as a picture, isn't it? - Thinking of buying? - Yes, I am - Is there some reason I shouldnt? - Oh, absolutely not This is an extremely reputable gallery I'm quite certain that Mr De Moncrieff has spared no expense in verifying the painting's origin - He's very cautious that way - I'm glad to hear it But, of course, one has to be with Corot, as there are so many forgeries of his work As a matter of fact, I've heard it said that of the 700 proved originals painted by Corot in his lifetime, over 50,000 are to be found in America alone Really? But there you are As your very own PT Barnum put it, "There's one born every minute" Oh, Dear I hope I haven't put him off Are you trying to ruin me, Troy? That depends, Hugo It was a cash transaction I delivered the money to this address in Bermondsey Thank you Troy You want to be careful You might just be getting too clever for your own good Do you mind if we hang onto these? No Of course not Thank you Clever boy! I'm coming I'm sorry Ill have to see to this In the garden, poppet Get away from there! Naughty boy! Mr Leiss? Who the hell are you? Sorry to interrupt your beauty sleep Detective Chief Inspector Alleyn, Scotland Yard Scotland Yard? I'd like to ask you a few questions about Mr Period's cigarette case Well, he's got connections, Ill give him that Getting a Chief God Almighty inspector to investigate a missing knickknack What did you do with the case? I told Cartell We left it on the table Look, you can search the room or me or my car or my girlfriend We ain't got it Oh, the case has been found Well, there you are Found where? Exactly where you dropped it, I should think In the open sewer, a few inches from Mr Cartell's body Leonard, we've got trouble! Old Cartell, dead as a door nail and down the drain What are you talking about, Cartell's body? - Miss Ralston? - What do you mean, Cartell's body? Perhaps you can tell me what you and Mr Leiss did with Mr Periods cigarette case No, she can't Because we didnt We never had it We dont know a thing about it A moment ago, you told me I was welcome to search this room Do you hold to that? Like I said, I've got nothing to hide Good Did you smoke any of Mr Pyke Periods cigarettes yesterday? Only one.
Your Turkish muck dont really appeal to my sensibilities, ta very much No? - Miss Ralston? - Same story Look, Face, he's going to valet you I'd like to borrow these for a little while, if I may? It's not convenient Would it be more convenient if I were to sit here and wait for a warrant? All right, take the bloody things Thank you I'd like a word with you, too, Miss Ralston What can I do for you, Chief inspector? You can wipe that smirk off your face for a start Inspector! I'd like you to witness something I'm gonna say to Miss Ralston - Good afternoon, Miss Ralston - Please understand Inspector Fox and I are investigating a murder Murder? Auntie Con said it was an accident I think we can prove that, last night, that cigarette case was in his possession or in yours Now, this morning, it was found next to Mr Cartell's body I dont know what you mean.
I dont know anything Now, miss, if you stole the cigarette case and dropped it in the ditch last night, youd better tell us now You're trying to trap me Do you know what happens to people who withhold evidence in a case of murder? It wasn't what you think You've got it all wrong It was a lovely night for a treasure hunt Mr Leiss, would you kindly take yourself out of this? The young ladys got nothing to say to you, Alleyn Are you looking for clues? Here's one If you dont know what to do, think it over in the loo Come on! Have Bailey go through those, would you? Right, sir I'd swear there are traces of Turkish tobacco in the overcoat pocket What's most upsetting is seeing the young lady led astray in such a manner Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds I'm not sure that lily didnt start off as a weed and fester from there, sir Got enough Turkish tobacco out of that overcoat pocket to satisfy a blind jury man on a dark night What about the gloves? They're soiled but he didnt lift any planks with those on his hands Have you got another one of those? Sorry, last one Mr Pyke Period, how is it that you wrote two identical letters of condolence to Miss Cartell, the first of which you sent before the body of her brother had even been discovered? What? But I didnt Are these in your handwriting? Must be some stupid mistake - He must have - Who? Alfred must have Must have what? Anticipated the need for a letter of condolence? Forged your handwriting? Sent the letter to the lady before anybody knew she was bereaved? There's no need to be facetious, Chief inspector I couldnt agree more.
It's an extremely serious matter You dont understand I don't understand how Miss Cartell received a letter concerning her brother before anybody knew he was dead Well, I had occasion to write to Connie About what? About something else.
Something completely different and extremely private The letters must have gone into the wrong envelopes Well, that still doesnt explain how the letter came to be written in the first place Unless you know someone else who's lost a brother recently Well, I did hear yesterday And wrote? And the letters were identical? After all, why not? I mean, one can't go on inventing consolatory phrases forever What's the name of this other bereaved sister? The one to whom this extremely private letter was mistakenly sent? You'll forgive me but I'd rather not say You come from an extremely distinguished family, it seems You're a twin Yes Bimbo.
Benedict Arthur Dodds Made a court appearance two years ago in connection with financial interests in the Wait for it, sir .
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Hacienda Club Declared bankrupt, no criminal record A string of financial calamities and business failures He's been in more tight corners than a feather duster Has he? Youd better get some lunch and then see if you can get more out of Mrs Mitchell and Mr Belt I can do the two things at once, sir Mr Belt and Mrs Mitchell have suggested I drop in for a snack Lucky you Oh, well I'll just have to press on and meet "the one desired" Rory! I didnt know if it was going to be you or your brother whod become a policeman Desiree, has it really been that long? Harris, bring the inspector some lunch, will you? He looks famished - Please dont bother - It's no bother.
You're far too thin Let's get some flesh on these bones Desiree You didn't by any chance get a letter from Mr Pyke Period this morning? - Poor man must be going dotty - Why? "My Dear, I can't help feeling that you might have drawn the wrong conclusion from the turn our conversation took today Too much to have to defend one's own ancestry" "But I can assure you that mine goes back as far as I, or anybody else, could wish" What on earth is he talking about? We never had the conversation Desiree, have you .
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lost anyone recently? Yes, my brother died two days ago I see! PP's got his letters crossed, hasn't he? - May I hang onto that? - May I ask why? You may, but I shan't tell you Did I ever succeed in seducing you? No Mr Pyke Period dined here last night, didnt he, during the treasure hunt? - Yes - Was he angry? Upset? Every morning, he taps on my door and calls out, "Bath's empty, for what it's worth" And that dog, Desiree, that dog will be the death of me The smell, the noise, the destruction Every night when he takes her out for a walk, she no sooner gets below my window than she starts barking and wakes me up Sometimes I could I almost believe he puts her up to it Just to irritate me, to goad me into Well, I dont know what I found Harold hell to live with, PP I dont see why you should fare any better If it were only his irritating ways, I could get used to them - But - Yes? There's more, isn't there? He's done something else Besides the usual aggravations Something that's really upset you Well, it's just something he said Oh, no, it's nothing.
I'd rather not talk about it, if you don't mind - And you drove him home? - Yes Squiffy? After you dropped him off, you had words with Mr Harold Cartell about your son's inheritance I did Why was Cartell so set against Andrews gallery idea? He thought Andrew shouldnt resign his commission PP's a trustee as well.
What does he think? Oh, I can manage PP Bimbo thinks the gallery's a jolly good bet He's got a flair for that sort of thing In fact, he intends to invest in it himself Does he? He's no longer an undercharged bankrupt, then? I'm very much obliged to you It would only to go to waste, Mr Fox Being as recent events, have put Mr Belt and Mr Period off their food so I can't think of a worse plight So you were in bed last night when the murder took place, Alfred? Of course, I was fast asleep You heard nothing of the disturbance about one o'clock? Well, my room's on the other side of the house Excuse me, inspector Hanging's too good for them I believe in capital punishment All this blather the Bolshies talk about understanding the thugs Somebodys got to show the flag Darling, dont get onto that hobby horse now You had something to tell the inspector about who killed Hal Oh, yes Well it may be completely irrelevant It's about this Leiss chap and the girl Moppet? They hung on till the bitter end of the party Thanks for coming! Bye, old bean! And that disposes of Mr Harold Cartell for good - When do you think they'll find it? - In the morning, probably Don't worry We're in the clear They upped sticks pretty sharpish after that What time did you get back here after the treasure hunt? It was before midnight, because I had to check everything was ready for the guests coming back You didnt leave after that? No That's my phone Are you still a member of The Hacienda Club? What the Devil does that have to do with anything? Well, I was wondering if youd ever run into Leonard Leiss there I've never seen that little Mr Leiss before yesterday I haven't set foot inside The Hacienda Club in over two years Very wise Desiree? I seem to have committed a faux pas, showing you PP's funny letter He has just telephoned in a terrible tizzy, telling me to throw it on the fire and forget about it You didnt tell him Id seen it? No But I feel such a traitor It is good, isn't it? Hideously good And dear Rory, optimistic as ever, is quite certain they're going to bump me off at any moment to increase the value of my work Does Rory know what you're up to? Heavens, no.
He told me to stay out of it completely Which, of course, had precisely the opposite effect Red rag to a bull He'll say I'm stubborn and pig-headed, I know But it isn't that Somehow Doing what I was told would seem like submitting to his will I suppose I'm terrified of losing my independence I'm afraid of us becoming a couple Becoming us, rather than he and I I dont know, that's the problem with falling in love Perhaps Im just too selfish But I can't help it If I close my eyes and think "couple", - I always picture a pantomime horse - Which end are you? You will be careful, Troy? I wish everyone would stop saying that It worries me Im too angry to be careful Rather odd behaviour, sir Starting out as plain Percival Period And then going to those lengths to make out he's something he's not Delusions of grandeur A pathologically sensitive nose for class distinction The man's barmy Suppose he had enough money to rub shoulders with my lot He moves in posh circles and begins to feel almost at home But there's always something missing.
Background, breeding And then, one day, somebody says to him, "Are you, by any chance, related to the Pyke Periods of Ribblethorpe?" Well, he looks into the Pyke Periods of Ribblethorpe and discovers they've completely died out So he adjusts the parish register, adopts Pyke as a second name Years pass By now, he has persuaded himself he is all he claims to be, and is happily established in his own fairy tale, till Harold Cartell does a little snooping in the church and blows the gaffe at yesterday's lunch party Put like that, sir, it almost makes one feel sorry for the silly old snob? Could be a very strong motive for murder You want Leonard Leiss? I'll give you Leonard Leiss.
You can have him.
He's all yours! - Miss Beech, I was only looking for him - Take all of him! Take his clothes! Take everything! You're welcome to him You're doing me a favour Here, take his gramophone records OK By Me That's his favourite! Who does he think he is, anyway? Bringing that tart Mary Ralston here Waltzing round like Lady Muck! Telling me she was his cousin from Chalfont! How stupid do they think I am? Take those to him with my compliments! Here, you can take this rubbish an'all! You give that lying rat a message! You tell him, if he ever shows his poxy, poncey face round here again, I'll scratch his eyes out! Thank you, Miss Beech Three hairs consistent with the deceased's The plank hit him on the head, all right And there are these You can make it out quite clearly The planks were muddy where they'd dug into the walls of the trench.
But at the edges, about nine inches in .
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these Gloves? Fortunately, it's a rough undersurface So, if we can find as much leather as would go through the eye of a needle, we might be in sight Well, this may be damn all, but Well, it's not wash leather, is it? More like strong hide I give up.
String? Heavy leather and string, sir? Sharp eyes, Mr Alleyn, sharp eyes Flattery will get you nowhere, Bailey One of your coppers brought Lenny's coat and dinner suit back - But his gloves are missing - That's odd I saw to the parcel myself.
Cream-washed leather, size seven No, his driving gloves Leather string backs I can't be long Lenny thinks Im dropping the car at the garage Its sprung a leak in the waterworks Has it? Did he have these driving gloves last night? He wore the others.
He's fussy about his gloves Now, I suppose Ill get the rocket Why should Mr Leiss be angry with you, Miss Ralston? Because I took the coats into the house when we went to Auntie Con's yesterday You remember where you put them? I probably put them in the hall.
I usually do Mr Leiss's overcoat was in his wardrobe this morning Well, I expect Trudi put it there Was he wearing his overcoat last night during the treasure hunt? What if he was? Did you and he have any reason to go to Mr Periods house last night? This is a trick You found them and you're holding onto them I know what you do - Just answer the question, Miss Ralston - No! I won't! You're trying to frame us! Proper little madam He'll have got rid of the gloves Or tried to Unless, of course, she really did lose them, and he's dead scared we're gonna find them Well, if PP approves, I can anticipate my inheritance and buy the Grantham gallery Do you think he will approve? Oh, yes, he's no problem.
Hal was just bloody-minded And another one of my mother She of the flame-thrower coiffure I'm quite sure Freud would have something to say about all these paintings of your mother I've done one of Freud as well I think it's I used images from his book on dreams Don't go in there Don't be shy What is this? It's Well, I was just fooling around, really These are Troy You What's going on, Andrew? They're er tributes I wouldnt dream of selling them I just give them to people, unsigned Well, someone's signing them, and selling them The police found six of them two nights ago in a nightclub.
Troy's livid Moppet I gave her a still life a few months back Just for a lark She raved about it, asked me for more Said she wanted to hang them in her flat Well, they were just taking up space here You're obsessed with Troy, aren't you? Tell me you didnt arrange all of this My working for Mr Period, our meeting, as a way of getting close to her Tell me none of that's true Tell me! If only we could find those damn gloves Let's go through it again Lady Bantling was in the lane at 11.
15 Leiss and Miss Ralston at 11.
30 Andrew Bantling and Nicola from 11.
00 till shortly before one o'clock Yes, but somebody had to be there after one to lever the sewer pipe into the ditch Well, for my money, that was Leiss and Miss Ralston They set the plank bridge up during the treasure hunt, and went back later Detective Chief Inspector Alleyn's office Oh, yes.
Would you put him on, please? Mr Percival Pyke Period Hello? Chief Inspector, you're going to think me an awful old shirker, I know But I feel there's something I should really have told you .
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about last night Mr Period? Mr Period! We need the car Good evening, Mr Bantling - Miss Cartell? - Yes My name's Agatha Troy May I come in? Why, yes, of course Moppet's quite an admirer of yours I don't know much about painting, but she says you're the cat's pyjamas That's very kind As a matter of fact, she gave me that as a present That's actually why I'm here, Miss Cartell I'm afraid that painting and a number of others that Mary and Mr Leiss have been handling are forgeries Miss Troy! Mary's a wilful girl Headstrong at times, mischievous, even But the idea that she's capable of jiggery-pokery is, well .
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poppycock! Pure poppycock! Clever boy! Did Andrew send you? Andrew? You're all in it together, playing a practical joke on me Moppet as well This isn't a joke, I'm afraid.
The police are involved Miss Troy, these are wicked, wicked lies I know Mary better than anyone I'm telling you she's not capable of such things Now, possibly someone she's allowed herself to get close to She's so alone in the world, it makes her vulnerable She gives of herself too freely, trusts too easily, you see But forging paintings! My Moppet? She wouldnt know where to begin I dont actually believe that she or Mr Leiss forged the paintings, Miss Cartell Of course they didnt.
I'll make some tea.
Do sit down That song ought to have told Alleyn What song? What song, Mr Period? Over and over Whistling at luncheon Awfully bad form Couldnt get it out of my head.
So silly OK By Me.
Over and over I knew it was him the moment I heard it If you think mean I mean Was it Leonard Leiss whistling the song? Must speak to Alleyn I'm here, Mr Period Tell him, last night in the lane, whistling that tune OK By Me That was the tune Was it Leonard Leiss whistling the tune at lunch and then in the lane last night? So vulgar Can you remember what time? Mr Period, it's very important that I know what time Leonard Leiss was in the lane After the dog.
Later Later than one o'clock? Woke me up again.
I heard the whistling I'd recognise those lips at 100 yards Mary "Moppet" Ralston And the two Capstan Leiss by name, louse by nature Excuse me Alfred, did you deliver any messages today? Across the green, for instance? Yes, sir.
To Miss Cartell For Miss Cartell? No, sir.
For Miss Ralston and Mr Leiss Pick them up, then, sir? It's not that easy, I'm afraid Yes, Mr Pyke Period heard Leiss whistling out here last night OK By Me But after one o'clock, when they were picking up water for their radiator Mr Alleyn! There are two sets of paw prints here Now, this one here's Pixie's, I reckon, sir Like the ones we found by the sewer ditch But this smaller one here Pekinese Miss Troy, I've often considered commissioning a portrait of Mary How much would it? You seem to have lost a glove What makes you think it's mine? I'm sorry, it's the bloodstain on the thumb Miss Moppet isn't the innocent, little angel you like to think she is, Constance You're besotted with her Balderdash! You are, but I tell you this, if you've any authority over her at all, youd better use it Because unless that cigarette case is returned by tomorrow, I'm calling the police and pressing charges, against the two of them! Thank you Nearly out of sugar I don't think Leonard's social graces are any concern of yours That's the trouble with them They can't see beyond the end of their aristocratic noses The cigarette case? Is that what you brought us over here to talk about? Just a minute.
Just what are you getting at, Mr Pyke Period? What we were doing last night is absolutely no concern of yours You were whistling the very same tune that you whistled at luncheon I heard it quite distinctly So don't deny you were in the lane Unless you can give a good account of what you were doing there You're not sticking us for this murder We know a thing or two about you as well, Mr Plain Percival Period How dare you! Get out of my house! Go on! Out! Think you can blackmail me? We'll just see about that! I'm calling the police! Don't imagine you're going to stop me! Like you stopped poor, old Harold Cartell Chief Inspector, you're going to think me an awful old shirker, I know But I feel there's something I should really have told you about last night There we are! Now then, what were we talking about? Thank you, I never take sugar Not even this once? Isn't that? It's Troy's Do you have children, Miss Troy? No.
No, I don't No, I didnt think so If you did, though, youd appreciate the difficulties The pitfalls What a hopelessly heartbreaking task it can be Trying to keep them on the straight and narrow There's so many hazards along the way So many temptations and external influences Girls, especially They get to a certain age, and you know what rears its ugly head So many meddlers and busybodies interfering They become prey to jackals Every scallywag and philanderer within miles starts sniffing around Men dangle temptation in front of a girl Lying, scheming, turning her head with false promises They're charlatans! And humbugs! They don't know what love means! And we, who really love, who know that it means sacrifice and and self-denial, who have to clean up the mess when it's all over How can we compete? How can we keep hold of what we love? How can we stop the charlatans and the humbugs from taking it away? I'll take that, Connie Connie There's no point now How can we keep hold? How can we stop? Never in my all life have I met anybody so confoundedly stubborn as you! I found Leonard and Moppet, didnt I? And the proof it was them signing Andrews forgeries! What were you doing walking into a murder investigation! I didnt know it was a murder investigation! Nothing any says makes a bit of difference You just get an idea in your head and off you go! Well, I'm sorry! How could you be so reckless? - I'm sorry! - I warned you to stay out of it - Sorry! - Is that all you can say, "Sorry"? Sorry Damn it, Troy, you could have been killed The transport's here for Miss Cartell, sir Thanks, Brer Why, Mr Alleyn? Her own brother I suppose she couldnt bear the idea of her precious Moppet going to prison Pitiful Desperate Barmy The cruel madness of love Shakespeare? Tennyson Good night, Brer Good night, sir
Get out of the way! This is a private pub! You've got no right! Charging in here like a herd of wild elephants! This is a private office Three knifings in one week, Mr Ruskin What are you doing? Handing them out at the door? Inspector Fox, sir What is it, Robinson? Something you should see, sir Its paintings, sir Good God Lychee! Clever little boy! All right, Mrs Mitchell? Right as rain, Mr Belt - Morning, Mr Period, sir - Good morning, Alfred Looks like a lovely day It does indeed, sir.
It does indeed Oh, those chaps are still at it in the lane, sir They're taking their blessed time about it, I must say Look out! The bath's empty - For what it's worth - Thank you, Harold Oh, Mr Cartell's sister for luncheon, remember, Alfred? Yes, sir Good God! Lady Bantling's brother's died A car accident - In the Outback - Ah.
You'll be writing, of course, sir? Of course Poor Desiree Its a dangerous world, sir Was that a nice walkums? Lychee have nice walkums? Mummy's got a surprise for you today Yes, Moppet's coming to stay Yes, and she's bringing a friend Yes, isn't that nice? Oh, Danny boy A nice curry can be stretched, as you know To ridiculous lengths Im sure, miss.
Ill get Mr Cartell for you now Come on, Vixen.
Up you go, up you go to your master Come on now.
Come on, up you go That was Miss Cartell, wondering if the cuisine will stand two more for lunch - To whom was she referring? - To the adopted niece, that Miss Moppet creature And a friend Oh, God, Mr Period will not be pleased Confidentially, he can't stand the young lady And Im sure Mr Cartell feels the same Well, that was my sister, Mrs Mitchell, wondering Yes, I dare say we'll manage, Mr Cartell Good Ill let Mr Period know, then Come on then, if you're in such a hurry.
Come on For the life of me, I cannot understand what possessed our Mr Period, offering that man a room in this house Retired solicitor, he may be, and a gentleman, Im sure But we've been under our own steam far too long for sharing 1 st of April, Mr B! I thought it best to call you straightaway, sir Absolutely Being as each and every one appears to be by Miss Troy Yes I say! Nicola Maitland-Mayne? Yes? Well, well, PP's turned up trumps on the secretary front - Sorry? - Percival Pyke Period Your new boss.
Im Andrew Bantling, driving you to Chalfont Oh, how do you do? Im sorry I On the phone, you mentioned guard duty I thought youd be in uniform - Are you related to Mr Period? - Oh, no, no My legal guardian well, actually, my boring old ex-stepfather, Harold Cartell, lives in his house Good Lord! That's an Agatha Troy She's a friend of mine She painted it for my 21 st birthday I read an article about Agatha Troy, in which she said painting was more important to her than life itself Do you think that's true? I want to get out of the army Are you hoping to paint full-time? How did you know that I was a painter? Cadmium yellow under the nail of your right forefinger You ought to be a detective Here we are Don't know why PP needs a secretary all of a sudden Unless you're going to type up his letters of condolence His what? Oh, he's famous for them, writes them to anyone and everyone - Thank you, Alfred - Sir Well, Id better go straight up and get this over with, then Good hunting If you were hunting Thank you Good typing Percival Pyke Period Unhyphenated Friends call me PP Miss Maitland-Mayne? I dont make much of a to-do about the Maitland Oh, but you must, you must.
Such a splendid old family These things are very important Id much prefer just plain Nicola, anyway Oh, well, Nicola it is, then This is my great-grandfathers place at Ribblethorpe Consumed, alas, by fire Oh, what a shame They didnt really explain at the agency what my job is supposed to be Well, as a matter of fact, Im trying to compile a book Wonderful.
Your memoirs? No, no, no.
Something a trifle more utilitarian Its a book on etiquette How did you know they weren't mine? By the signatures Same position, every one identical Yours are all over the place Quite uncanny If you were to ask me to swear I didnt paint these, Im not even sure that I could Somebody takes the trouble to master your style impeccably, then duplicates the signatures as if from a printing press.
It doesn't make sense And why me? Surely it would be far less risky and far more profitable to forge the works of a dead artist? That had occurred to me You're not my father.
You're not even my stepfather You've no right to keep the money from me Im your legal guardian until your 25th birthday At least look at the figures Im not interested in the figures, Andrew Your father wouldnt have wanted you to resign your commission and that's that Letters of condolence So difficult You knew Lady Bantling's brother passed away? No, no, I didnt Im sorry, too, you horrible little man.
Sorry I asked you Oh, Dear.
A touch of awkwardity, I fear Andrews in one of his rages No doubt you've often witnessed them before We only just met this morning Really? Oh, when he said he knew just the girl, well, I thought naturally Andrew's the son of the very woman we were talking about, Desiree - Lady Bantling? - Yes.
Though, by rights, she ought by now to be calling herself Mrs Bimbo Dodds Has she remarried, then? Twice.
Once to Harold Cartell, with whom I sadly share this house, and then quite recently to Bimbo Dodds Bantling, Cartell, Dodds Its all been frightfully alphabetical - If you dont know what to do - look inside where the cows moo It doesnt scan, Bimbo, darling Im not a poet, Desiree Thanks for coming Ill let you know as soon as we find anything That's all? You've confirmed they're not yours.
Now leave the rest to us But I could help Troy! The moment you find anything Its very nice to meet you Oh, this is Connie's adopted niece, Mary Ralston - How do you do? - Hello I call her Moppet And what did he say, darling? He wouldnt budge The miserable, old You can't budge him And this is Mary's friend, Leonard L- E-I-S-S.
Leiss Rhymes with spice, but twice as nice How do you do? Very nicely, thank you Leonard, Id love a drink I was just about to offer - Everyone have the usual? - Leonard will do mine, Uncle Hal He knows my kind of wallop If he must Wallop? What a word, Moppet! The things girls say nowadays.
Honestly! What did they say in your day, Auntie Con? Snort? Mary, that was not one of the prettiest remarks It certainly wasn't.
You ought to exercise more discipline, Connie She's too impressionable, that's the problem The only way with Moppet is to beat her like a carpet - Oh, good grief! - Care to try? I intend to later Oh, no, I tend to see myself - When do you stop typing? - Four o'clock, I think Ill come back and pick you up about quarter past to drive you home May I? Your niece has turned up with a real specimen this time, Hal She's not my niece If Connie and the girl persist in that charade, fine, but Miss Ralston is no relation to my sister She's most definitely no relation to me Harold, Andrew says that you won't let him have his inheritance To fritter away on an art gallery? Certainly not It won't be frittering it away He's looked into the whole thing very carefully My decision is final, Desiree This is my son's future we are talking about Stubborn old My God, to think I was once married to you! Bimbo, Andrew, we really ought to go Let these people eat their lunch We're having a party tonight, by the way, Andrew, which you're staying for - I don't think I can, Mother - Of course you can Bring um Nicola, wasn't it? What a good idea! You will come, won't you? Well, I Yes.
Id like to very much What sort of a party? Treasure hunt A treasure hunt? How absolutely marvellous! Why dont you and Leonard come along as well? Gosh, Lady Bantling, thatd be .
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lovely, Lady Bantling.
Nice of you to ask Luncheon is served, sir - Come on, Cyril - As God is my witness, Chief inspector, these are not my work Im not suggesting you painted them.
Im trying to find out who did Then it's rather more in an advisory capacity than with a view to incarceration that you've invited me here? Have you got anything for me? You couldnt perchance advance me a few guineas, by way of a consultancy fee? By way of what? Im just a trifle stretched at the moment So is your credibility, Cyril Let's hear what you have to say first Two weeks ago, Hugo De Moncrieff asked me to look at a painting that had come in, purported to be an Agatha Troy self-portrait And? It was good.
It was very good Hugo said that he was not so much suspicious of the work as of the character who was trying to sell it - And what did you advise? - That he verify its authenticity with Troy directly One has that advantage with a living artist And did he hang the painting? It sold Last week Mr De Moncrieff, I have it on good authority that last week you were sold an Agatha Troy self-portrait Ive reason to believe it was a forgery A forgery? Id like to know where you bought it and whom you sold it to Chief inspector, in the first place, Gallery Moncrieff doesn't deal in forgeries In the second, the identities of our clients and customers are not a matter for the public record In the third, it's obvious you have no warrant And in the fourth, you should address any queries to my solicitor Good day Ill take that as a no, shall I? Im sorry, PP I have things on my mind other than your blasted cigarette case Well, the last people to be seen with it was that fellow Leiss and your Moppet She is not my Moppet Alfred, when you cleared after lunch, did you see a gold cigarette case on the little table by the French windows? No, sir Are you absolutely certain? Absolutely, sir Though I did notice that someone had opened the windows Well, there you are.
The workmen doing the sewage in Green Lane must have taken it Nonsense.
Ive spoken to them myself several times They're perfectly decent, hard-working chaps Very well, then Perhaps Alfred would care to reconsider his statement? Really, Hal, for goodness'sake! Thank you, Alfred.
So sorry to have troubled you Thank you, sir That does it! Him or me! - Him or me! - Ructions, Mr Belt? Very well, if you're that certain, I shall go now And if they don't produce the case, I shall insist on full criminal charges being brought against them I trust that will satisfy you? Come along, girl He's heading for Miss Cartell's Auntie Con's at some sort of hunt committee do But she ought to be back any minute Its you I wanted to see What about, Uncle Hal? Will you please stop calling me that? Im not your uncle All right, Mr Cartell What did you do with Mr Periods cigarette case? I beg your pardon? You heard me.
You and Leiss were looking at it after lunch What did you do with it? Your turn, Doll.
I left the water Oh, pardonnez-moi Am I interrupting something? Mr Periods cigarette case has disappeared You and Miss Ralston were the last people seen with it I put it to you that, having placed the case on that little table and opened the French windows, you later slipped around the side through the garden and stole it That's a very serious allegation, Mr Cartell I regard this as a very serious matter Unless it's replaced by tomorrow, I shall call the police I believe you would Quiet! Quiet, sweetie! Who let this blasted mongrel in? Get away! Get away! Trudi! Who brought this dog in here? Boysie, what on earth possessed you to bring that thing into this house? - Sorry, Connie, I didnt think - Take it out! Take it out! Ly! You called, Miss Cartell - Come on, old girl.
We're not welcome here - Calm down.
Poor baby There's a good girl! There's a good girl Im sorry, Constance, I do apologise.
If Id realized Come off it, Boysie You're hopeless with animals and that's all there is to it Now then, what's wrong? I can see you're in one of your moods Pour us a drink and tell me what the trouble is - I dont want a drink, Con - Well, I do Good God - What's that revolting stuff? - Girth gall ointment For horses? What did you want to see me about, Boysie? PP's cigarette case has gone missing Of course he wouldn't tell you! No art dealer in his right mind would tell a policeman Let it be known that hed had anything to do with art forgeries? The publicity would ruin their business overnight What was the gallery? Im not going to tell you Ive more than just a casual interest, Rory Its my reputation at stake! It isn't just that somebodys copied my style Its that they got inside my head Are they really that good? We'll find them Troy! You really must leave this to me I can't see why they both accuse you of doing such a thing if they didnt have some reason PP and Uncle Hal have nasty minds, Auntie Con.
That's all the reason they need I couldnt bear to see you getting into trouble with the police again You were lucky to get away with a warning before And this Leonard, Moppet I told you he had an unhappy background I didnt hide that from you, did I? But he needs love and understanding, that's all And I can give him that I can help him make something of himself You wouldnt want to spoil my happiness, would you, Auntie Con, by making me stop seeing him? Im so alone in the world Now Don't cry You know how it upsets me That's my little Moppet - Don't cry - Come on, sexy The party will be over by the time we get there - Good morning, Madam - Good morning, Alfred From Mr Period Thank you "My dear, what can I say? Only that you have lost a devoted brother, and I a very dear friend" Alfred, what's happened? - Happened, miss? - My brother.
Is he? Mr Cartell's not up yet, miss He's later than usual today.
Did you want to speak to him? Connie, good morning - Thank you, Alfred - PP, for Gods sake, what is all this? Your letter.
Are you mad? What on earth do you mean? I dont feel well Are you all right? Can I get you something? A glass of water? May I speak to you, sir? What is it, Alfred? Oh, forgive me, Connie, I won't be a minute What the blazes is going on? Why are you looking at me like that? Its Mr Cartell, sir I Not to put too fine a point upon it, sir .
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the men have found him in the ditch Dead A Mr Harold Cartell, sir The drain-layers found him at the bottom of the ditch Face-down in the mud with that sewer pipe on top of him Skull crushed, sir They thought he might be alive so they pulled him out But er Right, let's take a look Well, Bailey? Yeah, a couple of things There are indentations on that side of the ditch, which suggest that the plank bridge was moved so that it would give way when it was stepped on The wicks on both those lanterns have been turned right down And there are two holes There and there What if this was used to lever the pipe into the ditch? Exactly.
No chance it was an accident, sir Well, I dont want to hear any jokes about sewercide Any sign of the dog? Dog, sir? The mark on the victim's right hand Leather leash pulled tight.
Paw marks everywhere - Wake up, Robinson - Probably Pixie, sir A dirty great mongrel of a thing, by all accounts Seems he always took it out for a walk at one in the morning, regular as clockwork - Did he live here? - That's right Shared with the owner, a Mr Percival Pyke Period, sir Look, get the uniform lads onto some statements You try and find somewhere to set up an incident room with space for Bailey and the flash-and-dab boys Sir - Bailey - Sir? What's been going on here? High heels, brogues, work boots Itll be like trying to find a footprint in a wine press Mr Alleyn! Looks like a car with a leaky radiator stood here "Search the place we keep the tyres, at the home of one desired" Doesn't do anything for me A treasure hunt.
It would account for the footprints "Search the place we keep the tyres" A garage? "At the home of one desired " I was hoping to thank your mother for giving me a room for the night She's never up before noon What's the matter? Nothing, why? Well, you were looking at me Sorry I was just thinking that a person can wake up in the morning absolutely certain of where their life is going, and one chance meeting suddenly changes everything completely Im coming! Hello, Cyril Want to earn £5? Mr Period is in his study, sir - And you are? - Alfred, sir Alfred Mr Cartell's dog, Pixie, have you seen her? She returned this morning, sir, still trailing her lead I shut her up in the wood shed And the lead? Ill fetch it for you, sir Inspector Fox will come with you, if you don't mind - As you wish, sir - Right, sir I went to bed as soon as I got home but I couldnt get to sleep for some time Those treasure-hunters in the lane kept me awake till about midnight Then you slept.
Did you wake again? At one o'clock when he took Pixie out She made her usual disturbance, barking and whining.
Im afraid I cursed her Then she stopped You managed to get back to sleep? Yes, yes, I did Any other disturbances outside the window? No Did Mr Cartell have any enemies that you know of? Well one had to work very hard trying to like him but Anyone to whom he might have done harm had he lived? Absolutely not In all this upset, Alfreds forgotten to fill my boxes It's too tiresome.
Ive mislaid my beautiful cigarette case Oh, thank you so much This is the one, sir Ah, thank you, Alfred That's most helpful Ah, soda scones Very nice They're Mr Periods favourite Have you both been with Mr Period a long time? Ten years for me.
Mr Belt, all his working life I shall probably see out my time here now Oh, had there been some doubt before? As it happens, due to certain frictions between Mr Cartell and myself, I offered my resignation to Mr Period only yesterday Hed have been extremely sad to lose you, I shouldnt wonder He was mortified I thought he was going to terminate Mr Cartell's tenancy forthwith Naturally, we've developed a certain mutual allegiance over the years Naturally What sort of frictions were there between you and Mr Cartell? So he probably reached out with his right hand as he fell and Plop! Hello, what's this? You dont think Harolds death was an accident, do you? I think a trap was laid for him A trap? Dear God Had the planks over the ditch been interfered with? Yes I see But mightn't the whole thing have been just a joke? I mean, isn't that a possibility? Someone in the treasure hunt came along and moved the planks, and Harold fell and was lying there unconscious Then somebody else came along and inadvertently dislodged the sewer pipe Dislodging one of those sewer pipes couldnt have been done inadvertently Deliberately, as a prank A silly prank, but a prank all the same, not knowing he was lying there Chief inspector, sir Something here you might like to have a look at Excuse me Mr Pyke Period Is this, by any chance, the cigarette case you mislaid? Where did you? In the ditch Close to where the body of Mr Harold Cartell was found Dear God Leiss? Who? Well, my dear Harold, it seems your stinking dog and about half a dozen of her suitors has been creating havoc in the vicarage flower beds Fortunately, that stupid Reverend Elms managed to find them But he's very much upset over the whole thing Oh, Boysie! You always were hopeless with dogs Why don't you get rid of that ghastly mongrel? You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear I entirely agree, and have often said as much, I believe, to you My compliments to the chef.
Nice grub, Pepe Oh, not Pepe, please.
PP Is smoking allowed? Well, since you're our guest, we can hardly refuse Damn, left mine in the motor.
Hand over, sexy These are Turkish, Im afraid But you're welcome to try one, if you like Ta very much Turkish will make a change Nice case Let's have a look Well, actually, it's an 18th-century card case left to me by an old friend, Lady Charlwood 18th century? Well, I never The inscription's still visible, if you hold it up to the light If you mean what I think you mean Its OK by me Things aren't always what they seem Its OK by me Here's your vicar Looking a mite steamed up, I must say Oh, really, this is too much! Ill see to it, PP Just tell him the bitch is on heat and can't help herself Eh, sexy? Connie ought to have sent the fellow packing at the first glance Mr Cartell thought so, too, I dare say Yes, yes, indeed Oh, Im so sorry, the front door was Rory! He's a painter, isn't he? - You saw the cadmium - Cadmium yellow All right So What was the young Lieutenant Bantling doing here yesterday? Visiting Mr Cartell On business? Nicola Yes, hed tell you himself Good What time did you and he get back last night? Shortly after one I thought everybody had to be back before midnight? Andrew and I didnt take part in the treasure hunt We drove around for a bit, then parked in Green Lane It wasn't what you think! If I take over the Grantham Gallery, there's a studio in the back where I could paint and manage the gallery at the same time Is that what your meeting with Mr Cartell was about? Yes I want to paint more than anything in life And buying the Grantham's the perfect way to do it Or would be, if it weren't for that pontificating philistine I bet Agatha Troy never had any of these problems Good night And thank you so much for a lovely dinner I always enjoy our little chats But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? Good God! Desiree.
What are you doing down there? Im on the warpath, Harold You ought to know by now not to cross me Oh, go to bed! You're drunk and talking utter nonsense! Youd better watch your step, you! But listen, you don't want to take any notice of my mama Why, she was probably a touch squiffy It would amuse her to bait Harold She always does that sort of thing But she was annoyed with him? Well, livid Well, we both were So you're not exactly overwhelmed with grief? You'll have trouble finding anyone who is Lieutenant Bantling, someone set a trap for your stepfather And when he literally fell into it, that someone levered an 800-pound sewer pipe on top of him It crushed his skull and drove him face-down into the mud Rory! So, is there anything else either of you can tell me? Leonard Edward Leiss, petty larcenist, three arrests, two convictions, one for theft, one for fraud Dishonourable discharge from the army Used forged references to obtain job as a chauffeur Likes to move in circles above his station "Above his station"? - You know, sir, your lot - Honestly, Brer! Good morning Forgive me, but when did you last see your brother? Last evening He was taking Pixie for a walk Brought her into the house, like a fool Of course, Ly became hysterical and bit me They're very highly-strung animals, Pekes Poor baby's still upset, aren't you, poppet? Yes! Is that? Girth gall ointment.
Smells a bit, doesn't it? Works well, though Miss Cartell, yesterday, Mr Pyke Period gave a luncheon party What did you talk about? What does PP ever talk about but background and breeding? Of course I know that the war's broken down all the class barriers and Im as glad of that as the next man But there's something fundamental about good breeding Many things in life can be taught, but not good breeding Well, I think when people start making a to-do about family background and all, it's because they're a bit hairy round the heels themselves There's no replacement for breeding It takes 600 years to make an English lawn and an English gentleman Ive heard of it being affected in less than no time In fact, I know of a man who forged his own name in a parish register to establish his ancestry That's a good one - Was there any money in it? - How was he found out? Never has been At least .
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not in public There was some talk of a cigarette case that later went missing Was there? Not that I noticed I know PP had a cigarette case, but he's such an old muddlehead, he probably lost it himself He has suggested that Miss Ralston and Mr Leiss may have had something to do with its disappearance You dont want to pay any attention to what PP says about them He's out of touch with the young He expects them all to behave like his generation, a lot of po-faced, little humbugs From Mr Period.
The man Alfred has left this All right, Trudi, thank you Just leave it there Don't you want to look at that? Please My dear, what can I say? Only that you have lost a devoted brother, - and I a very dear friend - What is it? "I know so well what a shock this has been for you, - and how bravely you have taken it.
" - Miss Cartell? He must be mad! Mad May I see that? It seems like a perfectly conventional letter of condolence Why do you say that he must be mad? Because it's all happening again He's written it before Exactly the same When? This morning Before breakfast Before I knew Before anybody knew Before theyd found him See for yourself Before theyd found him £2,000, sir £2,000? Whew! My wife Bunny's crazy about art but Of course, I show up on the doorstep with this, she'll have to take me back, won't she? You can arrange for it to be shipped over to the States? Oh, but of course! I'd be more than happy to do so Good, good - Troy! - Hello, Hugo - What are you doing here? - I just thought I'd have a browse round - You dont mind, do you? - Of course not.
Feel free - What are you up to? - Up to? Up to £4,000 for the Degas Now, that is splendid Pretty as a picture, isn't it? - Thinking of buying? - Yes, I am - Is there some reason I shouldnt? - Oh, absolutely not This is an extremely reputable gallery I'm quite certain that Mr De Moncrieff has spared no expense in verifying the painting's origin - He's very cautious that way - I'm glad to hear it But, of course, one has to be with Corot, as there are so many forgeries of his work As a matter of fact, I've heard it said that of the 700 proved originals painted by Corot in his lifetime, over 50,000 are to be found in America alone Really? But there you are As your very own PT Barnum put it, "There's one born every minute" Oh, Dear I hope I haven't put him off Are you trying to ruin me, Troy? That depends, Hugo It was a cash transaction I delivered the money to this address in Bermondsey Thank you Troy You want to be careful You might just be getting too clever for your own good Do you mind if we hang onto these? No Of course not Thank you Clever boy! I'm coming I'm sorry Ill have to see to this In the garden, poppet Get away from there! Naughty boy! Mr Leiss? Who the hell are you? Sorry to interrupt your beauty sleep Detective Chief Inspector Alleyn, Scotland Yard Scotland Yard? I'd like to ask you a few questions about Mr Period's cigarette case Well, he's got connections, Ill give him that Getting a Chief God Almighty inspector to investigate a missing knickknack What did you do with the case? I told Cartell We left it on the table Look, you can search the room or me or my car or my girlfriend We ain't got it Oh, the case has been found Well, there you are Found where? Exactly where you dropped it, I should think In the open sewer, a few inches from Mr Cartell's body Leonard, we've got trouble! Old Cartell, dead as a door nail and down the drain What are you talking about, Cartell's body? - Miss Ralston? - What do you mean, Cartell's body? Perhaps you can tell me what you and Mr Leiss did with Mr Periods cigarette case No, she can't Because we didnt We never had it We dont know a thing about it A moment ago, you told me I was welcome to search this room Do you hold to that? Like I said, I've got nothing to hide Good Did you smoke any of Mr Pyke Periods cigarettes yesterday? Only one.
Your Turkish muck dont really appeal to my sensibilities, ta very much No? - Miss Ralston? - Same story Look, Face, he's going to valet you I'd like to borrow these for a little while, if I may? It's not convenient Would it be more convenient if I were to sit here and wait for a warrant? All right, take the bloody things Thank you I'd like a word with you, too, Miss Ralston What can I do for you, Chief inspector? You can wipe that smirk off your face for a start Inspector! I'd like you to witness something I'm gonna say to Miss Ralston - Good afternoon, Miss Ralston - Please understand Inspector Fox and I are investigating a murder Murder? Auntie Con said it was an accident I think we can prove that, last night, that cigarette case was in his possession or in yours Now, this morning, it was found next to Mr Cartell's body I dont know what you mean.
I dont know anything Now, miss, if you stole the cigarette case and dropped it in the ditch last night, youd better tell us now You're trying to trap me Do you know what happens to people who withhold evidence in a case of murder? It wasn't what you think You've got it all wrong It was a lovely night for a treasure hunt Mr Leiss, would you kindly take yourself out of this? The young ladys got nothing to say to you, Alleyn Are you looking for clues? Here's one If you dont know what to do, think it over in the loo Come on! Have Bailey go through those, would you? Right, sir I'd swear there are traces of Turkish tobacco in the overcoat pocket What's most upsetting is seeing the young lady led astray in such a manner Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds I'm not sure that lily didnt start off as a weed and fester from there, sir Got enough Turkish tobacco out of that overcoat pocket to satisfy a blind jury man on a dark night What about the gloves? They're soiled but he didnt lift any planks with those on his hands Have you got another one of those? Sorry, last one Mr Pyke Period, how is it that you wrote two identical letters of condolence to Miss Cartell, the first of which you sent before the body of her brother had even been discovered? What? But I didnt Are these in your handwriting? Must be some stupid mistake - He must have - Who? Alfred must have Must have what? Anticipated the need for a letter of condolence? Forged your handwriting? Sent the letter to the lady before anybody knew she was bereaved? There's no need to be facetious, Chief inspector I couldnt agree more.
It's an extremely serious matter You dont understand I don't understand how Miss Cartell received a letter concerning her brother before anybody knew he was dead Well, I had occasion to write to Connie About what? About something else.
Something completely different and extremely private The letters must have gone into the wrong envelopes Well, that still doesnt explain how the letter came to be written in the first place Unless you know someone else who's lost a brother recently Well, I did hear yesterday And wrote? And the letters were identical? After all, why not? I mean, one can't go on inventing consolatory phrases forever What's the name of this other bereaved sister? The one to whom this extremely private letter was mistakenly sent? You'll forgive me but I'd rather not say You come from an extremely distinguished family, it seems You're a twin Yes Bimbo.
Benedict Arthur Dodds Made a court appearance two years ago in connection with financial interests in the Wait for it, sir .
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Hacienda Club Declared bankrupt, no criminal record A string of financial calamities and business failures He's been in more tight corners than a feather duster Has he? Youd better get some lunch and then see if you can get more out of Mrs Mitchell and Mr Belt I can do the two things at once, sir Mr Belt and Mrs Mitchell have suggested I drop in for a snack Lucky you Oh, well I'll just have to press on and meet "the one desired" Rory! I didnt know if it was going to be you or your brother whod become a policeman Desiree, has it really been that long? Harris, bring the inspector some lunch, will you? He looks famished - Please dont bother - It's no bother.
You're far too thin Let's get some flesh on these bones Desiree You didn't by any chance get a letter from Mr Pyke Period this morning? - Poor man must be going dotty - Why? "My Dear, I can't help feeling that you might have drawn the wrong conclusion from the turn our conversation took today Too much to have to defend one's own ancestry" "But I can assure you that mine goes back as far as I, or anybody else, could wish" What on earth is he talking about? We never had the conversation Desiree, have you .
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lost anyone recently? Yes, my brother died two days ago I see! PP's got his letters crossed, hasn't he? - May I hang onto that? - May I ask why? You may, but I shan't tell you Did I ever succeed in seducing you? No Mr Pyke Period dined here last night, didnt he, during the treasure hunt? - Yes - Was he angry? Upset? Every morning, he taps on my door and calls out, "Bath's empty, for what it's worth" And that dog, Desiree, that dog will be the death of me The smell, the noise, the destruction Every night when he takes her out for a walk, she no sooner gets below my window than she starts barking and wakes me up Sometimes I could I almost believe he puts her up to it Just to irritate me, to goad me into Well, I dont know what I found Harold hell to live with, PP I dont see why you should fare any better If it were only his irritating ways, I could get used to them - But - Yes? There's more, isn't there? He's done something else Besides the usual aggravations Something that's really upset you Well, it's just something he said Oh, no, it's nothing.
I'd rather not talk about it, if you don't mind - And you drove him home? - Yes Squiffy? After you dropped him off, you had words with Mr Harold Cartell about your son's inheritance I did Why was Cartell so set against Andrews gallery idea? He thought Andrew shouldnt resign his commission PP's a trustee as well.
What does he think? Oh, I can manage PP Bimbo thinks the gallery's a jolly good bet He's got a flair for that sort of thing In fact, he intends to invest in it himself Does he? He's no longer an undercharged bankrupt, then? I'm very much obliged to you It would only to go to waste, Mr Fox Being as recent events, have put Mr Belt and Mr Period off their food so I can't think of a worse plight So you were in bed last night when the murder took place, Alfred? Of course, I was fast asleep You heard nothing of the disturbance about one o'clock? Well, my room's on the other side of the house Excuse me, inspector Hanging's too good for them I believe in capital punishment All this blather the Bolshies talk about understanding the thugs Somebodys got to show the flag Darling, dont get onto that hobby horse now You had something to tell the inspector about who killed Hal Oh, yes Well it may be completely irrelevant It's about this Leiss chap and the girl Moppet? They hung on till the bitter end of the party Thanks for coming! Bye, old bean! And that disposes of Mr Harold Cartell for good - When do you think they'll find it? - In the morning, probably Don't worry We're in the clear They upped sticks pretty sharpish after that What time did you get back here after the treasure hunt? It was before midnight, because I had to check everything was ready for the guests coming back You didnt leave after that? No That's my phone Are you still a member of The Hacienda Club? What the Devil does that have to do with anything? Well, I was wondering if youd ever run into Leonard Leiss there I've never seen that little Mr Leiss before yesterday I haven't set foot inside The Hacienda Club in over two years Very wise Desiree? I seem to have committed a faux pas, showing you PP's funny letter He has just telephoned in a terrible tizzy, telling me to throw it on the fire and forget about it You didnt tell him Id seen it? No But I feel such a traitor It is good, isn't it? Hideously good And dear Rory, optimistic as ever, is quite certain they're going to bump me off at any moment to increase the value of my work Does Rory know what you're up to? Heavens, no.
He told me to stay out of it completely Which, of course, had precisely the opposite effect Red rag to a bull He'll say I'm stubborn and pig-headed, I know But it isn't that Somehow Doing what I was told would seem like submitting to his will I suppose I'm terrified of losing my independence I'm afraid of us becoming a couple Becoming us, rather than he and I I dont know, that's the problem with falling in love Perhaps Im just too selfish But I can't help it If I close my eyes and think "couple", - I always picture a pantomime horse - Which end are you? You will be careful, Troy? I wish everyone would stop saying that It worries me Im too angry to be careful Rather odd behaviour, sir Starting out as plain Percival Period And then going to those lengths to make out he's something he's not Delusions of grandeur A pathologically sensitive nose for class distinction The man's barmy Suppose he had enough money to rub shoulders with my lot He moves in posh circles and begins to feel almost at home But there's always something missing.
Background, breeding And then, one day, somebody says to him, "Are you, by any chance, related to the Pyke Periods of Ribblethorpe?" Well, he looks into the Pyke Periods of Ribblethorpe and discovers they've completely died out So he adjusts the parish register, adopts Pyke as a second name Years pass By now, he has persuaded himself he is all he claims to be, and is happily established in his own fairy tale, till Harold Cartell does a little snooping in the church and blows the gaffe at yesterday's lunch party Put like that, sir, it almost makes one feel sorry for the silly old snob? Could be a very strong motive for murder You want Leonard Leiss? I'll give you Leonard Leiss.
You can have him.
He's all yours! - Miss Beech, I was only looking for him - Take all of him! Take his clothes! Take everything! You're welcome to him You're doing me a favour Here, take his gramophone records OK By Me That's his favourite! Who does he think he is, anyway? Bringing that tart Mary Ralston here Waltzing round like Lady Muck! Telling me she was his cousin from Chalfont! How stupid do they think I am? Take those to him with my compliments! Here, you can take this rubbish an'all! You give that lying rat a message! You tell him, if he ever shows his poxy, poncey face round here again, I'll scratch his eyes out! Thank you, Miss Beech Three hairs consistent with the deceased's The plank hit him on the head, all right And there are these You can make it out quite clearly The planks were muddy where they'd dug into the walls of the trench.
But at the edges, about nine inches in .
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these Gloves? Fortunately, it's a rough undersurface So, if we can find as much leather as would go through the eye of a needle, we might be in sight Well, this may be damn all, but Well, it's not wash leather, is it? More like strong hide I give up.
String? Heavy leather and string, sir? Sharp eyes, Mr Alleyn, sharp eyes Flattery will get you nowhere, Bailey One of your coppers brought Lenny's coat and dinner suit back - But his gloves are missing - That's odd I saw to the parcel myself.
Cream-washed leather, size seven No, his driving gloves Leather string backs I can't be long Lenny thinks Im dropping the car at the garage Its sprung a leak in the waterworks Has it? Did he have these driving gloves last night? He wore the others.
He's fussy about his gloves Now, I suppose Ill get the rocket Why should Mr Leiss be angry with you, Miss Ralston? Because I took the coats into the house when we went to Auntie Con's yesterday You remember where you put them? I probably put them in the hall.
I usually do Mr Leiss's overcoat was in his wardrobe this morning Well, I expect Trudi put it there Was he wearing his overcoat last night during the treasure hunt? What if he was? Did you and he have any reason to go to Mr Periods house last night? This is a trick You found them and you're holding onto them I know what you do - Just answer the question, Miss Ralston - No! I won't! You're trying to frame us! Proper little madam He'll have got rid of the gloves Or tried to Unless, of course, she really did lose them, and he's dead scared we're gonna find them Well, if PP approves, I can anticipate my inheritance and buy the Grantham gallery Do you think he will approve? Oh, yes, he's no problem.
Hal was just bloody-minded And another one of my mother She of the flame-thrower coiffure I'm quite sure Freud would have something to say about all these paintings of your mother I've done one of Freud as well I think it's I used images from his book on dreams Don't go in there Don't be shy What is this? It's Well, I was just fooling around, really These are Troy You What's going on, Andrew? They're er tributes I wouldnt dream of selling them I just give them to people, unsigned Well, someone's signing them, and selling them The police found six of them two nights ago in a nightclub.
Troy's livid Moppet I gave her a still life a few months back Just for a lark She raved about it, asked me for more Said she wanted to hang them in her flat Well, they were just taking up space here You're obsessed with Troy, aren't you? Tell me you didnt arrange all of this My working for Mr Period, our meeting, as a way of getting close to her Tell me none of that's true Tell me! If only we could find those damn gloves Let's go through it again Lady Bantling was in the lane at 11.
15 Leiss and Miss Ralston at 11.
30 Andrew Bantling and Nicola from 11.
00 till shortly before one o'clock Yes, but somebody had to be there after one to lever the sewer pipe into the ditch Well, for my money, that was Leiss and Miss Ralston They set the plank bridge up during the treasure hunt, and went back later Detective Chief Inspector Alleyn's office Oh, yes.
Would you put him on, please? Mr Percival Pyke Period Hello? Chief Inspector, you're going to think me an awful old shirker, I know But I feel there's something I should really have told you .
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about last night Mr Period? Mr Period! We need the car Good evening, Mr Bantling - Miss Cartell? - Yes My name's Agatha Troy May I come in? Why, yes, of course Moppet's quite an admirer of yours I don't know much about painting, but she says you're the cat's pyjamas That's very kind As a matter of fact, she gave me that as a present That's actually why I'm here, Miss Cartell I'm afraid that painting and a number of others that Mary and Mr Leiss have been handling are forgeries Miss Troy! Mary's a wilful girl Headstrong at times, mischievous, even But the idea that she's capable of jiggery-pokery is, well .
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poppycock! Pure poppycock! Clever boy! Did Andrew send you? Andrew? You're all in it together, playing a practical joke on me Moppet as well This isn't a joke, I'm afraid.
The police are involved Miss Troy, these are wicked, wicked lies I know Mary better than anyone I'm telling you she's not capable of such things Now, possibly someone she's allowed herself to get close to She's so alone in the world, it makes her vulnerable She gives of herself too freely, trusts too easily, you see But forging paintings! My Moppet? She wouldnt know where to begin I dont actually believe that she or Mr Leiss forged the paintings, Miss Cartell Of course they didnt.
I'll make some tea.
Do sit down That song ought to have told Alleyn What song? What song, Mr Period? Over and over Whistling at luncheon Awfully bad form Couldnt get it out of my head.
So silly OK By Me.
Over and over I knew it was him the moment I heard it If you think mean I mean Was it Leonard Leiss whistling the song? Must speak to Alleyn I'm here, Mr Period Tell him, last night in the lane, whistling that tune OK By Me That was the tune Was it Leonard Leiss whistling the tune at lunch and then in the lane last night? So vulgar Can you remember what time? Mr Period, it's very important that I know what time Leonard Leiss was in the lane After the dog.
Later Later than one o'clock? Woke me up again.
I heard the whistling I'd recognise those lips at 100 yards Mary "Moppet" Ralston And the two Capstan Leiss by name, louse by nature Excuse me Alfred, did you deliver any messages today? Across the green, for instance? Yes, sir.
To Miss Cartell For Miss Cartell? No, sir.
For Miss Ralston and Mr Leiss Pick them up, then, sir? It's not that easy, I'm afraid Yes, Mr Pyke Period heard Leiss whistling out here last night OK By Me But after one o'clock, when they were picking up water for their radiator Mr Alleyn! There are two sets of paw prints here Now, this one here's Pixie's, I reckon, sir Like the ones we found by the sewer ditch But this smaller one here Pekinese Miss Troy, I've often considered commissioning a portrait of Mary How much would it? You seem to have lost a glove What makes you think it's mine? I'm sorry, it's the bloodstain on the thumb Miss Moppet isn't the innocent, little angel you like to think she is, Constance You're besotted with her Balderdash! You are, but I tell you this, if you've any authority over her at all, youd better use it Because unless that cigarette case is returned by tomorrow, I'm calling the police and pressing charges, against the two of them! Thank you Nearly out of sugar I don't think Leonard's social graces are any concern of yours That's the trouble with them They can't see beyond the end of their aristocratic noses The cigarette case? Is that what you brought us over here to talk about? Just a minute.
Just what are you getting at, Mr Pyke Period? What we were doing last night is absolutely no concern of yours You were whistling the very same tune that you whistled at luncheon I heard it quite distinctly So don't deny you were in the lane Unless you can give a good account of what you were doing there You're not sticking us for this murder We know a thing or two about you as well, Mr Plain Percival Period How dare you! Get out of my house! Go on! Out! Think you can blackmail me? We'll just see about that! I'm calling the police! Don't imagine you're going to stop me! Like you stopped poor, old Harold Cartell Chief Inspector, you're going to think me an awful old shirker, I know But I feel there's something I should really have told you about last night There we are! Now then, what were we talking about? Thank you, I never take sugar Not even this once? Isn't that? It's Troy's Do you have children, Miss Troy? No.
No, I don't No, I didnt think so If you did, though, youd appreciate the difficulties The pitfalls What a hopelessly heartbreaking task it can be Trying to keep them on the straight and narrow There's so many hazards along the way So many temptations and external influences Girls, especially They get to a certain age, and you know what rears its ugly head So many meddlers and busybodies interfering They become prey to jackals Every scallywag and philanderer within miles starts sniffing around Men dangle temptation in front of a girl Lying, scheming, turning her head with false promises They're charlatans! And humbugs! They don't know what love means! And we, who really love, who know that it means sacrifice and and self-denial, who have to clean up the mess when it's all over How can we compete? How can we keep hold of what we love? How can we stop the charlatans and the humbugs from taking it away? I'll take that, Connie Connie There's no point now How can we keep hold? How can we stop? Never in my all life have I met anybody so confoundedly stubborn as you! I found Leonard and Moppet, didnt I? And the proof it was them signing Andrews forgeries! What were you doing walking into a murder investigation! I didnt know it was a murder investigation! Nothing any says makes a bit of difference You just get an idea in your head and off you go! Well, I'm sorry! How could you be so reckless? - I'm sorry! - I warned you to stay out of it - Sorry! - Is that all you can say, "Sorry"? Sorry Damn it, Troy, you could have been killed The transport's here for Miss Cartell, sir Thanks, Brer Why, Mr Alleyn? Her own brother I suppose she couldnt bear the idea of her precious Moppet going to prison Pitiful Desperate Barmy The cruel madness of love Shakespeare? Tennyson Good night, Brer Good night, sir