An Idiot Abroad (2010) s02e01 Episode Script
Desert Island
1 The Bucket List See the glaciers before they melt.
Go on an African safari.
Encounter the world's largest mammal.
The ultimate things to do before you die.
What are they? If I was on my death bed, There's no way I'd want to be climbing limb Mount Kilimanjaro.
It's not things to do a few minutes before you die.
It's things to do in your life.
Easy, boys, easy! It's difficult.
It was so suspicious, after last time.
Oh, good Jesus! We've told him that he gets to choose from the list, whatever he wants to do.
This is doing me headache.
But that does not mean that there won't be a few treats in store.
Fucking hell! This is a man who is reluctant.
This is a man who doesn't wanna do these things.
- No.
- Let it happen.
It's making Karl do things other people want to do before they die.
Yeah, exactly, yeah.
This isn't his list.
Fucking twats! Agh! S02E01 Desert Island Have you heard of the term "Bucket List"? Yes, it's things to do before you die, ain't it? We have sort of compiled a Top 100 that we've taken from loads of lists and these seem to be the most popular 100 things to do, before you die.
Anything you fancy there? Fly a fighter jet.
Forget it.
What's the sort of things you've heard of on the past as the typical bucket list? - It's daft stuff.
- Right.
Sky-diving.
Bungee-jumping.
Why is that daft, though? That is not worth doing, that sort of thing.
And it's dangerous.
Why would you think people do it, if it is pointless? Because they're idiots.
Sort of gelled permed hair types.
Australians.
You're not jealous of their hair, right? - No, I just mean it's that sort of - People like Yeah, normally I'd avoid them.
I don't want to know me, that sort of people.
Right, going down the list.
I mean like, being on a private desert island, - There you go, right.
- Even though I'm not that interested I prefer that than doing the dangerous stuff.
So should we take that? Spending the night on you own private desert island? Just the one night? But what am I doing there? - Just chilling out.
- Relax.
If it's sunny, just walk around naked.
No, I wouldn't do that.
Why? There's no one there.
Just walk around, you know, like nature.
- Completely naked as God intended.
- No, I don't, I wouldn't do that.
Well, if you're doing that one, we're confiscating your pants.
When you land Just because, you never know Only Crusoe was on there, Friday comes up.
- Who? - Robinson Crusoe.
He has his tail yes can not dangle.
- Yes, he did.
- Yes.
Then Friday is cropped up.
You think no one is there A boat comes in, a cruise with a load of tourists, and I would stand there with knob and bollocks out.
Anyway, it's sand in there.
It's not good to be nude, in the sand.
Nude.
Okay.
Spend the night on you own desert island In your pants.
Yeah? You can go a bit mad, though, can't you? Not in a day! If I was there, you could.
Jesus! Fuckin' hell We could have gone straight to the desert island.
Instead, we've come all the way here, for a pointless ocasion.
Because it's not gonna happen.
I said I'm not bungee-jumping.
When we talked about the whole Bucket List thing and Steve was going: "Oh, yeah, bungee jumping That's what people want to do.
" They might, but I don't.
This is meant to be my bucket list.
I've been on the world now, for 38 years.
I don't need to introduce this now.
Fuckin' hell! I'm just creating a new problem if I do get into bungee-jumping.
I don't wanna change.
I don't want to get into this.
Karl, let it go.
Look up.
Chin up.
Focus on that men.
- No, forget it! - Yes.
- You're gonna dive here.
- No.
I do not want it.
Honestly, you'll be coming upside and need to do that again.
What all that noise? I just made a noise, I've never heard come from me.
- Take a deep breath.
- There's a noise again.
- You do that already.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Looking up.
- No, forget it! - Come on, Karl! - No, there's a queue.
I don't wanna do it.
I don't wanna do it! - This is your chance! - Burn the fuck up! Stop talking a second.
Just give my brain just a chance to count itself in.
Do it.
Just do it! Nah, forget it.
Honestly, forget it.
I fold it.
I'm in New Zealand.
That wasn't on the list.
Bungee jumping cropped up.
They won't.
What's the point? You know, I was the same with olives.
But you can't put it on the same category.
I made a noise, when I was stood up there looking down.
I've never heard the noise come out of me.
It all like a Noise.
I've never done that.
Honestly.
I was not scared! Will you stop saying the scared thing? I'm gonna see where bungee was invented.
Don't see what difference does it make seeing where something was invented? It's not even a proper invention.
It's not like a Dyson vacuum cleaner.
That's gotta be some nutter, jumping off the tree, with a bit of rope attached to his leg.
It's not invention! My feet haven't touched the ground, I can't believe I'm gettin' in another plane.
I've been on the air more than some pigeons.
Pigeons seem to walk about more than I've been doing the last two days.
I thought "Easy Jet" was bad.
Look at this! Fucking hell Yeah, just about.
I'm on a plane.
I didn't do it.
I told you I didn't wanna do it.
It's dangerous.
I said before I left London, I wasn't gonna do it.
What do you mean, I'm taking the piss? If you could see where I am, I'm not taking the piss.
This is no feast holiday.
I'm sat with a load of luggage here with my knees on the back of the pilot.
What? I've gotta try and just control this.
Otherwise, you're going end up killing me! I don't know I should be enjoying this bit now, shouldn't? Because it is nice, ain't it? But I just got that litte niggle of Ricky and Steve moaning at me, because I did not bungee jump.
If I come to the happiest place in the world and I'm not happy.
What's wrong with me? I'm here to see this "land diving" thing, which is like the birth of the bungee.
If I keep saying "no" to stuff, it's like will it get worse? I'm just thinking through my head about what this "land dive" is.
If I don't do a land-dive, what are they gonna find for me tomorrow? "Karl, get down to tar-dive.
" So that's a land-dive? My God! Oh, no! You bring me to these places and expect for me to fit in.
Look at that for an image.
- Just dropping, ain't it? - Karl, just calm down.
Just have a look a few jumpers.
I will, I'll have a look.
But it keeps.
They're expecting me to jump, it's not gonna happen.
I'm surprised you think that I would do that.
I'm happy to go up there and have a look.
But I'm not doing the jump, because I thought it would be smaller than that.
Definitely not! No.
Ricky and Steve said it's the island of happiness.
I can't see getting hapiness out of that.
They look happy and the pants they're wearing.
They're constantly happy.
How high is it, John? 30 meters? And what do they expect to me? Because, I doubt I'll do it.
Are there people expecting me to do it from the top? Yeah, but why? I've got a mortgage on my things.
I've got bills to pay.
What a lunatic! Oh, he bottled it! Why is the crack? It's just dangerous.
Kids shouldn't be doing that.
People are all saying "you shouln't give Xboxes and PlayStations to kids", because they don't play out.
But if that's the alternative, keep them in.
I don't wanna be grabbing something.
Do you know what I mean? I'm happy to have a dance with them, but that's not gonna be enough for Ricky and Steve, When you see that lad diving off there "He did it, why can't you do it?" What do you think I'll get away with me doing it? What would you be happy for me to jump from? If I jump from the bottom bar.
Is that okay? - Yes, that's okay.
- That's okay? Does that count as a land-dive? - Yes.
- Everybody agree? If they say, it's right, doesn't matter what Ricky and Steve say.
It's a land-dive.
I'm diving from there into the land.
I don't think anyone knows how dangerous it is.
I'm get adviced from a cabbage.
I've got sweat in my eye.
This is high up, this.
It's a lot higher than I thought, this.
I feel like Jesus.
Here we go! Look at it! Alright.
Let's get to move on.
Probably got a plane to catch.
I'm where I'm meant to be now, at last.
I'm in Vanuatu.
I spoke to Stephen and he was all a bit down on me.
And he was calling me a chicken.
I got there and did the proper land-dive.
After, they were all like carrying me about the local village, all throwing me about in the air.
They were loving it.
Done it.
- How high was it? - I think I've got to be honest with you It was on below the child's one.
It's about 120 cm, Karl.
It was about 150 cm.
No! I think it was about 165 cm.
This is all I wanted.
This is how I'd picture it.
When I picked the desert island thing.
Just relaxing.
Enjoying my own company.
Time to think.
See it my brain works different, when I've got the stress of Ricky around me, Suzanne asking for stuff Problems at home.
The boiler.
That looks like never happen.
A starfish and a sausage never meet.
I'm not enjoying it, as much as I normally would.
Cuz Ricky and Steve have sorted it out and a bit of me is thinking why are they doing this? It's almost like, being in a private hospital.
You're getting a comfy bed, you're getting good food, But tomorrow you're having a leg off.
You know what I mean? This isn't for me, is it? I'm not going on another plane, Luke.
This is pointless.
No way.
- Alright.
- I'm looking for Karl.
Karl, you're my man! Fuck it Seriously, how many more flights have I got to do on this? Because, I think it's getting out of hand.
I haven't even my bag unpacked, since I've been here.
It's just been jumping on a plane, off a plane, on a plane.
And now I've got to get to another island, to get on another plane, to get to another island.
It's just doing me headache.
It don't even make sense this place, Vanuatu.
82 islands make it up.
How does that work? It's just in bits, it's like it's blown up.
Is that the volcano lair, to our right? Land of magic.
Land of Fire.
I'm not that happy, being this close.
Does that can go off? Because it can squirt for miles.
Cuz I hate burns.
I hate them when I'm doing fried eggs.
You've got that fat spitting out, when it's on your hand.
That's what this is like.
Just frying an egg.
I just got a text from Steve.
Hello, Karl.
I hope you enjoyed the 5-star resort.
Sorry, mate, but the fun is over now.
time to go a little deeper, and see how the locals live.
A plane is taking you to the island of Tanna, where you'll meet a tribe who worship Prince Philip.
Enjoy, Steve.
What does he mean, there's a tribe that worship Prince Philip.
How does that happen? How does that come about? Just when I think things can't get any weirder You say: "Give these pictures of Prince Philip, a 90-year old man, to a trible in the middle of nowhere.
" - Hi, Karl.
- Hi.
What's your name? - I'm JJ.
- JJ? JJ and Rain.
He's happy, ain't he? You like Prince Philip? See his face, let's see if he likes this.
You like him? You worship? I'll show you this then Do you like this? - Philip.
- Philip.
Philip.
His wife.
He was 90.
Just a special coin, he did.
- 5 pounds.
Quid.
- 5? 5 quid.
5 pounds.
I think he was happy, with it.
It's fine.
You can have that.
I don't know where you're gonna keep it.
Karl Albi Solid.
Are we far? An hour? An hour on this? Are they expecting me? They all look like they're waiting for me.
Is there anything I need to do? Or just say "hello"? Hello.
Thanks for having me.
This is like a proper tribe, this.
That is weird, ain't it? I mean, here they are, proper tribe Living half naked, in the jungle and yet they like Prince Philip.
Some sort of God-way I can't get my head around that, how all that came about, honestly.
What's this? You met him then? - Hang on.
That's not real.
- That's a real.
How did you sort that out? Because most people who need to meet him, you do a Duke of Edinburgh's Award.
You have to had helped old people across the road, or that sort of thing.
You get to get your foot on the door, and you meet him.
Can't believe that.
Can't believe it.
It's weird, they've got all these pictures up, and they worship him.
But at least he exists.
Some people worship stuff.
These gods and everything that you don't even know where they are.
You certainly don't have a post code for your God.
They have.
They can write him a letter.
He basically came here once.
And ever since his visit, problems went away.
So they worship him.
Don't know if it is just a coincidence, don't know if Philip did sort it.
I've never known him to sort anything.
But at the end of the day, it's making them happy.
And if they're happy They've got all the pictures up, gives them something to look at.
You got to have a hobby, don't you? And that's their hobby, anyway.
A little heavy, ain't it? I'm meant to be, to go on a desert island.
Do they know I'm not powerful? I'm not a powerful figure.
I'm just a bloke from England.
What can I do? I don't know, "What's the main concern here? Or what are they worried about? " I'm not quite sure.
That's madness.
When I was at school, my head teacher said, Karl will never be a high-flyer.
I'm suddenly part of the UN solving out the world problems and everything.
That's not me, though.
I think I said the right thing, didn't I? They don't need to worry.
Everything is gonna be good.
Things change, but I think it will be alright.
I'd carry on as you are.
It's a bit sort of something that Obama would say.
Something that it's quite sort of positive.
- Join the queue? - Yes.
The queue.
Staying young? Stay in person, yeah? It's all about keeping happy.
If they feel down, have a dance.
And that's true, ain't it? If you can get you heart going, it does make you happier.
And I get my heart going, by moaning.
When I get annoyed, that's when my heart kicks in.
It's a win-win for me.
For my heart gets going, when I'm having a moan and that makes me feel a bit better.
And if I'm happy, I'm happy.
I'm happy now.
No more dancing.
I'm happy.
Over the moon.
That was all a bit full.
I still don't know what's going on.
If I have been signed up to replace Prince Philip or what.
But they all seem happy.
So that's fine.
And now Albi wants to take me down the road to the local volcano.
That he also worships.
What can you do? How high up are we going? I've always thought it would be handy having a volcano close to hand.
Just to get rid of old mattresses and old Chester drawers you don't want.
It's a pain in the ass, at home, when you've got to call the council 25 quid a time.
Chuck it in that big hole.
I'd love that at home.
Some sort of big burning hole, and just chuck stuff in.
Is it good luck, to throw anything in? You're not allowed? We're not allowed to thrown in anything.
What's the point of having it then? Fucking hell! But I was happy with it down there.
That was fine.
Now we're ass-boarding.
I've never heard of ass-boarding.
You're the last people I'd think who wanna do this.
You're gonna get a load of ash up your ass.
You have the wrong pants on.
So what do you hold on to? He's just let go, without telling me what you do.
This not.
It's broke.
Albi, can I borrow your sled? This is knackered.
It's not gliding, though, is it? I look like a dog wiping his ass.
So I'm good at it.
Made this stuff making work for me.
Works a lot better.
And that's just what I'll do on my desert island.
Find stuff making work for me.
He's loving it.
Did you say he was the happiest or the maddest man on the island? He's loving it.
Have you ever done the thing when you roll down the hill? Let's share some fun.
Let's have a roll.
I'd say: Happiness is like having a cake.
If you have a cake everyday, you get sick of that cake.
And if you're happy all the time, you get sick of being happy.
That's a good saying, actually.
Happiness is like a cake.
Have too much of it, you get sick of it.
I do not know why we're messing around so much, me and all this tribes.
I've met one.
I've met a tribe.
They'd better be different.
If I get on there and there's a bloke with his knob in some wicker.
I'll be annoyed because I've seen that.
Is this man "Friday", I'm meeting there? He is one of the chief's sons.
- This is the chief.
- Chief.
Which language do you speak? Naho.
It's all with N? Everything begins with N? What's that? Don't you run out of options? Do your kids play, have you heard the game "I spy?" Yes.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with N.
They can't play that here.
There's no way they'd play it, that'd be well boring.
They'll be there all day.
This is where people are lying? Bloody hell Jesus! Human? What's her name? - Nicola? - Yes.
It's making kava.
They take some sort of root, chop it off, pop into that thing, crush it all.
Add a bit of water.
It's all we're gonna be drinking.
I'm a bit worried about.
Because everyone is sticking their hands in it.
You look at this and you go: "It looks different.
" All a bit weird.
The pants they're wearing.
But at the end of the day, everyone loves a drink, don't they? I couldn't, to be honest, I don't think.
Doing this everyday.
It worries me, if tomorrow I wake up and they're going, "You're a good sport, you drank the kava, you had the pork, " "Pop a pair of pants on.
" I'm not wearing them pants.
I know Ricky kept going on about pants.
But I don't know what the rules are.
What happens if they say "pop these on".
"These are a pair of the chief's.
It's a real privilege.
" I'm not putting on, warm pants.
I don't know what's happening today.
The chief's son apparently is gonna be going on the desert island with me.
But before he does that, I have got to give him this gift.
A pig.
Great, ain't it? I've never met him before.
You think a box of chocolates or bunch of grapes would be enough, Well, I've got to give them a pig.
Some sort of tradition.
So I give you the pig and you give me this.
Bar term.
That pig makes you an honorary tribe member.
And this morning, the tribe would like to honour your presence by presenting you with own Nambas, a native-pants.
I'm not doing that.
I'm not to worry about that.
Don't trouble yourself.
I'm quite happy.
You'me made me welcome, I stayed the night, gave me kava.
You don't have to give me anymore.
I tried to fit in, but this is a bit of a big ask for me.
I just thought I was coming to learn some skills.
The pants are not an issue for me.
I've got lots of underwear whilst I'm on the desert island.
- It's getting a little - I know it is, yeah.
It is awkward.
They're adding a bit more now.
It's pop the pants on, then have a dance.
And that's when the things pop out I've brought him a pig! They should be well happy with that.
Why would they want to see me dancing about, in some leaf pants? That's gonna be out there on Youtube, forever, me walking around with my knob out, like that.
This is normal for you, but for me this will go on the TV.
And my mom and me dad are: "What's Karl been up to?" I'm dancing around with stuff on the show.
It's all there to see, ain't it? If it was a Christmas present, you wouldn't be getting any surprises.
"I know what that is.
" I've seen other Nambas, and there's lots of grass, lots of cover.
Yours is slightly different.
When I sat in there, last night, in the hut and I was looking out, I thought: "Quite fancy, some sort of sushi.
" That's what is looks like.
A bit of wrapped up cod in a leaf.
I'm not wearing it.
- Yes, that's good.
- Yes.
- Exactly.
And I can leave my - Yes.
It wouldn't have been much better if it had gone the other way.
It's a loose-loose.
John is gonna teach me everything I need to know, - How do I use this? How to I build? - Yes.
- Fish cook? Everything.
- Yes.
John.
Hello, John.
Good to see you.
Alright then.
This is for shelter? I don't know.
I don't mean there's everything you might need on the island, Karl.
He's here to teach you what you need to know.
Surely you should be getting involved to it.
I think I'm that type when I need to do something, I can do it.
I don't have to Jesus! Sting wouldn't be happy, would him? How big is this hut gonna be? - Are you coming to the beach? - Yes.
See that over there, that would be your desert island, mate.
Not as big as I thought.
I was picturing that Bounty advert.
A big con to get under.
It's pissing down, I'm on my way over to a muffin.
It's not even that far away.
I'm hardly escaping everyone, am I? I thought it was gonna be like in the middle of nowhere.
Peace and quiet.
Fucking freezing.
Come on, John.
It's just a bad start.
It's like moving on a rainy day.
You're getting all stuff wet.
It's all bloody rock.
I haven't started yet, the leaves are all damaged.
I've got trying to get this done.
Here! It is ideal.
A little bit of shelter from the wind.
In that little hole.
Tie it? I've got some string.
John? Yeah, use the string.
Let's just get it done.
It's fine.
More rocks for around the bottom.
Yeah, use that.
Let's get the roof up.
I honestly think people at home won't think I'm in the South Pacific.
It's cronic.
Shouldn't be making a shelter, should be building an ark! Should have brought more of this.
I never thought I'd be running out of gaffer here.
This wasn't what I expected, was it? I think, at the end of the day, as I am inside, I will change the rules a little bit.
Putting my coat in a minute, because this isn't doing anything.
In fact, I think the skirt is growing, with that much rain.
- I'm not sure Ricky will be happy about this, Karl.
- I don't give a shit.
There's no way he would be putting me up to this.
- It's all ruining the look, isn't it? - It was hardly a great look, was it? Pop it over your head.
Keep warm.
Down there.
Put the leaves on.
- What's going on with the fishing? - There isn't any.
There's none knocking about.
Nothing.
Nothing here.
It's been me and John sat here all day.
Built this, which I think is pretty good going, considering it can piss me down.
You swamed up over there, fucking filling your big fat faces.
And I thought, you'd come back with something.
It's not lighting.
It's wet.
He'd survive here on that situation.
But I'm not made for this.
Hi, John.
You're leaving? Taro? How long? Thanks again, John.
So basically, I'm eating that sort of raw potato for tonight.
Ricky gave us something for when John left.
In case you were unable to sort of, deal with your own company.
He thought maybe you'd like a little friend.
Where's the hole? That's all he gave me, is it? That What's to do with that? What's the point of that? Look at it! Just gonna annoy me up, that.
This is handy.
When I was in the hotel, that nice hotel that Ricky and Steve put me in, I took this, because when I I opened the kitchen cupboard, made me smile.
"Eggs on legs.
" Is an egg cup.
I've had that out three times, from inside with me facing down rain.
It annoys me now.
And that's the thing with hapiness.
You can't just ask for it on demand.
And what might seem like a good idea one day, when in happens, it's shit.
Like this egg cup.
It was good the other day.
I was relaxed, I was full.
I wasn't cold.
I wasn't pissed wet through.
I'm starving.
Getting wet all the time.
I hate getting wet.
Wet socks is one of my biggest hates.
- You haven't got any on.
- I know because they got wet.
It just like nothing, this.
Sort of a cross between wood and cardboard.
Desert Island.
Did it.
Done.
It wasn't that easy.
It was hardly a beach.
There was no sand.
It was all rocky.
Sharp stuff.
I had to sleep on it.
Getting on my ass and my kidneys Pissed in the lung.
Wasn't the comfiest night in my life.
I sat dazzling at a crossword.
"What is the American version of a prawn?" Which is shrimp.
Now I've relaxed, I know the answer.
At the time I was struggling.
Yes, but that's what I like that, yeah.
I like sort of being older.
I'm looking forward to that.
What use was that on a desert island? You with the Nambas on.
This thing is a nightmare, it's that.
Jesus.
Little bounty Alright, see you.
Ricky did say, he want it back, the foot ball back.
I've 36 hours on a plane, to get back home.
And I'm carrying that as hand luggage.
A little reminder That little annoying face.
He's not getting it.
When you finally get to do the thing that you want, you realise, it's not the thing you want.
The problem is, it's someone else's list.
I've got into, like a pick-and-mix, and I've picked the things that I've picked, because that's what's there.
I might have got in one liquorish, but they've got any.
So I had any of the colder cubes.
Typical, ain't it? The day I'm leaving, the sun comes out.
It's the Pilkington Luck
Go on an African safari.
Encounter the world's largest mammal.
The ultimate things to do before you die.
What are they? If I was on my death bed, There's no way I'd want to be climbing limb Mount Kilimanjaro.
It's not things to do a few minutes before you die.
It's things to do in your life.
Easy, boys, easy! It's difficult.
It was so suspicious, after last time.
Oh, good Jesus! We've told him that he gets to choose from the list, whatever he wants to do.
This is doing me headache.
But that does not mean that there won't be a few treats in store.
Fucking hell! This is a man who is reluctant.
This is a man who doesn't wanna do these things.
- No.
- Let it happen.
It's making Karl do things other people want to do before they die.
Yeah, exactly, yeah.
This isn't his list.
Fucking twats! Agh! S02E01 Desert Island Have you heard of the term "Bucket List"? Yes, it's things to do before you die, ain't it? We have sort of compiled a Top 100 that we've taken from loads of lists and these seem to be the most popular 100 things to do, before you die.
Anything you fancy there? Fly a fighter jet.
Forget it.
What's the sort of things you've heard of on the past as the typical bucket list? - It's daft stuff.
- Right.
Sky-diving.
Bungee-jumping.
Why is that daft, though? That is not worth doing, that sort of thing.
And it's dangerous.
Why would you think people do it, if it is pointless? Because they're idiots.
Sort of gelled permed hair types.
Australians.
You're not jealous of their hair, right? - No, I just mean it's that sort of - People like Yeah, normally I'd avoid them.
I don't want to know me, that sort of people.
Right, going down the list.
I mean like, being on a private desert island, - There you go, right.
- Even though I'm not that interested I prefer that than doing the dangerous stuff.
So should we take that? Spending the night on you own private desert island? Just the one night? But what am I doing there? - Just chilling out.
- Relax.
If it's sunny, just walk around naked.
No, I wouldn't do that.
Why? There's no one there.
Just walk around, you know, like nature.
- Completely naked as God intended.
- No, I don't, I wouldn't do that.
Well, if you're doing that one, we're confiscating your pants.
When you land Just because, you never know Only Crusoe was on there, Friday comes up.
- Who? - Robinson Crusoe.
He has his tail yes can not dangle.
- Yes, he did.
- Yes.
Then Friday is cropped up.
You think no one is there A boat comes in, a cruise with a load of tourists, and I would stand there with knob and bollocks out.
Anyway, it's sand in there.
It's not good to be nude, in the sand.
Nude.
Okay.
Spend the night on you own desert island In your pants.
Yeah? You can go a bit mad, though, can't you? Not in a day! If I was there, you could.
Jesus! Fuckin' hell We could have gone straight to the desert island.
Instead, we've come all the way here, for a pointless ocasion.
Because it's not gonna happen.
I said I'm not bungee-jumping.
When we talked about the whole Bucket List thing and Steve was going: "Oh, yeah, bungee jumping That's what people want to do.
" They might, but I don't.
This is meant to be my bucket list.
I've been on the world now, for 38 years.
I don't need to introduce this now.
Fuckin' hell! I'm just creating a new problem if I do get into bungee-jumping.
I don't wanna change.
I don't want to get into this.
Karl, let it go.
Look up.
Chin up.
Focus on that men.
- No, forget it! - Yes.
- You're gonna dive here.
- No.
I do not want it.
Honestly, you'll be coming upside and need to do that again.
What all that noise? I just made a noise, I've never heard come from me.
- Take a deep breath.
- There's a noise again.
- You do that already.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Looking up.
- No, forget it! - Come on, Karl! - No, there's a queue.
I don't wanna do it.
I don't wanna do it! - This is your chance! - Burn the fuck up! Stop talking a second.
Just give my brain just a chance to count itself in.
Do it.
Just do it! Nah, forget it.
Honestly, forget it.
I fold it.
I'm in New Zealand.
That wasn't on the list.
Bungee jumping cropped up.
They won't.
What's the point? You know, I was the same with olives.
But you can't put it on the same category.
I made a noise, when I was stood up there looking down.
I've never heard the noise come out of me.
It all like a Noise.
I've never done that.
Honestly.
I was not scared! Will you stop saying the scared thing? I'm gonna see where bungee was invented.
Don't see what difference does it make seeing where something was invented? It's not even a proper invention.
It's not like a Dyson vacuum cleaner.
That's gotta be some nutter, jumping off the tree, with a bit of rope attached to his leg.
It's not invention! My feet haven't touched the ground, I can't believe I'm gettin' in another plane.
I've been on the air more than some pigeons.
Pigeons seem to walk about more than I've been doing the last two days.
I thought "Easy Jet" was bad.
Look at this! Fucking hell Yeah, just about.
I'm on a plane.
I didn't do it.
I told you I didn't wanna do it.
It's dangerous.
I said before I left London, I wasn't gonna do it.
What do you mean, I'm taking the piss? If you could see where I am, I'm not taking the piss.
This is no feast holiday.
I'm sat with a load of luggage here with my knees on the back of the pilot.
What? I've gotta try and just control this.
Otherwise, you're going end up killing me! I don't know I should be enjoying this bit now, shouldn't? Because it is nice, ain't it? But I just got that litte niggle of Ricky and Steve moaning at me, because I did not bungee jump.
If I come to the happiest place in the world and I'm not happy.
What's wrong with me? I'm here to see this "land diving" thing, which is like the birth of the bungee.
If I keep saying "no" to stuff, it's like will it get worse? I'm just thinking through my head about what this "land dive" is.
If I don't do a land-dive, what are they gonna find for me tomorrow? "Karl, get down to tar-dive.
" So that's a land-dive? My God! Oh, no! You bring me to these places and expect for me to fit in.
Look at that for an image.
- Just dropping, ain't it? - Karl, just calm down.
Just have a look a few jumpers.
I will, I'll have a look.
But it keeps.
They're expecting me to jump, it's not gonna happen.
I'm surprised you think that I would do that.
I'm happy to go up there and have a look.
But I'm not doing the jump, because I thought it would be smaller than that.
Definitely not! No.
Ricky and Steve said it's the island of happiness.
I can't see getting hapiness out of that.
They look happy and the pants they're wearing.
They're constantly happy.
How high is it, John? 30 meters? And what do they expect to me? Because, I doubt I'll do it.
Are there people expecting me to do it from the top? Yeah, but why? I've got a mortgage on my things.
I've got bills to pay.
What a lunatic! Oh, he bottled it! Why is the crack? It's just dangerous.
Kids shouldn't be doing that.
People are all saying "you shouln't give Xboxes and PlayStations to kids", because they don't play out.
But if that's the alternative, keep them in.
I don't wanna be grabbing something.
Do you know what I mean? I'm happy to have a dance with them, but that's not gonna be enough for Ricky and Steve, When you see that lad diving off there "He did it, why can't you do it?" What do you think I'll get away with me doing it? What would you be happy for me to jump from? If I jump from the bottom bar.
Is that okay? - Yes, that's okay.
- That's okay? Does that count as a land-dive? - Yes.
- Everybody agree? If they say, it's right, doesn't matter what Ricky and Steve say.
It's a land-dive.
I'm diving from there into the land.
I don't think anyone knows how dangerous it is.
I'm get adviced from a cabbage.
I've got sweat in my eye.
This is high up, this.
It's a lot higher than I thought, this.
I feel like Jesus.
Here we go! Look at it! Alright.
Let's get to move on.
Probably got a plane to catch.
I'm where I'm meant to be now, at last.
I'm in Vanuatu.
I spoke to Stephen and he was all a bit down on me.
And he was calling me a chicken.
I got there and did the proper land-dive.
After, they were all like carrying me about the local village, all throwing me about in the air.
They were loving it.
Done it.
- How high was it? - I think I've got to be honest with you It was on below the child's one.
It's about 120 cm, Karl.
It was about 150 cm.
No! I think it was about 165 cm.
This is all I wanted.
This is how I'd picture it.
When I picked the desert island thing.
Just relaxing.
Enjoying my own company.
Time to think.
See it my brain works different, when I've got the stress of Ricky around me, Suzanne asking for stuff Problems at home.
The boiler.
That looks like never happen.
A starfish and a sausage never meet.
I'm not enjoying it, as much as I normally would.
Cuz Ricky and Steve have sorted it out and a bit of me is thinking why are they doing this? It's almost like, being in a private hospital.
You're getting a comfy bed, you're getting good food, But tomorrow you're having a leg off.
You know what I mean? This isn't for me, is it? I'm not going on another plane, Luke.
This is pointless.
No way.
- Alright.
- I'm looking for Karl.
Karl, you're my man! Fuck it Seriously, how many more flights have I got to do on this? Because, I think it's getting out of hand.
I haven't even my bag unpacked, since I've been here.
It's just been jumping on a plane, off a plane, on a plane.
And now I've got to get to another island, to get on another plane, to get to another island.
It's just doing me headache.
It don't even make sense this place, Vanuatu.
82 islands make it up.
How does that work? It's just in bits, it's like it's blown up.
Is that the volcano lair, to our right? Land of magic.
Land of Fire.
I'm not that happy, being this close.
Does that can go off? Because it can squirt for miles.
Cuz I hate burns.
I hate them when I'm doing fried eggs.
You've got that fat spitting out, when it's on your hand.
That's what this is like.
Just frying an egg.
I just got a text from Steve.
Hello, Karl.
I hope you enjoyed the 5-star resort.
Sorry, mate, but the fun is over now.
time to go a little deeper, and see how the locals live.
A plane is taking you to the island of Tanna, where you'll meet a tribe who worship Prince Philip.
Enjoy, Steve.
What does he mean, there's a tribe that worship Prince Philip.
How does that happen? How does that come about? Just when I think things can't get any weirder You say: "Give these pictures of Prince Philip, a 90-year old man, to a trible in the middle of nowhere.
" - Hi, Karl.
- Hi.
What's your name? - I'm JJ.
- JJ? JJ and Rain.
He's happy, ain't he? You like Prince Philip? See his face, let's see if he likes this.
You like him? You worship? I'll show you this then Do you like this? - Philip.
- Philip.
Philip.
His wife.
He was 90.
Just a special coin, he did.
- 5 pounds.
Quid.
- 5? 5 quid.
5 pounds.
I think he was happy, with it.
It's fine.
You can have that.
I don't know where you're gonna keep it.
Karl Albi Solid.
Are we far? An hour? An hour on this? Are they expecting me? They all look like they're waiting for me.
Is there anything I need to do? Or just say "hello"? Hello.
Thanks for having me.
This is like a proper tribe, this.
That is weird, ain't it? I mean, here they are, proper tribe Living half naked, in the jungle and yet they like Prince Philip.
Some sort of God-way I can't get my head around that, how all that came about, honestly.
What's this? You met him then? - Hang on.
That's not real.
- That's a real.
How did you sort that out? Because most people who need to meet him, you do a Duke of Edinburgh's Award.
You have to had helped old people across the road, or that sort of thing.
You get to get your foot on the door, and you meet him.
Can't believe that.
Can't believe it.
It's weird, they've got all these pictures up, and they worship him.
But at least he exists.
Some people worship stuff.
These gods and everything that you don't even know where they are.
You certainly don't have a post code for your God.
They have.
They can write him a letter.
He basically came here once.
And ever since his visit, problems went away.
So they worship him.
Don't know if it is just a coincidence, don't know if Philip did sort it.
I've never known him to sort anything.
But at the end of the day, it's making them happy.
And if they're happy They've got all the pictures up, gives them something to look at.
You got to have a hobby, don't you? And that's their hobby, anyway.
A little heavy, ain't it? I'm meant to be, to go on a desert island.
Do they know I'm not powerful? I'm not a powerful figure.
I'm just a bloke from England.
What can I do? I don't know, "What's the main concern here? Or what are they worried about? " I'm not quite sure.
That's madness.
When I was at school, my head teacher said, Karl will never be a high-flyer.
I'm suddenly part of the UN solving out the world problems and everything.
That's not me, though.
I think I said the right thing, didn't I? They don't need to worry.
Everything is gonna be good.
Things change, but I think it will be alright.
I'd carry on as you are.
It's a bit sort of something that Obama would say.
Something that it's quite sort of positive.
- Join the queue? - Yes.
The queue.
Staying young? Stay in person, yeah? It's all about keeping happy.
If they feel down, have a dance.
And that's true, ain't it? If you can get you heart going, it does make you happier.
And I get my heart going, by moaning.
When I get annoyed, that's when my heart kicks in.
It's a win-win for me.
For my heart gets going, when I'm having a moan and that makes me feel a bit better.
And if I'm happy, I'm happy.
I'm happy now.
No more dancing.
I'm happy.
Over the moon.
That was all a bit full.
I still don't know what's going on.
If I have been signed up to replace Prince Philip or what.
But they all seem happy.
So that's fine.
And now Albi wants to take me down the road to the local volcano.
That he also worships.
What can you do? How high up are we going? I've always thought it would be handy having a volcano close to hand.
Just to get rid of old mattresses and old Chester drawers you don't want.
It's a pain in the ass, at home, when you've got to call the council 25 quid a time.
Chuck it in that big hole.
I'd love that at home.
Some sort of big burning hole, and just chuck stuff in.
Is it good luck, to throw anything in? You're not allowed? We're not allowed to thrown in anything.
What's the point of having it then? Fucking hell! But I was happy with it down there.
That was fine.
Now we're ass-boarding.
I've never heard of ass-boarding.
You're the last people I'd think who wanna do this.
You're gonna get a load of ash up your ass.
You have the wrong pants on.
So what do you hold on to? He's just let go, without telling me what you do.
This not.
It's broke.
Albi, can I borrow your sled? This is knackered.
It's not gliding, though, is it? I look like a dog wiping his ass.
So I'm good at it.
Made this stuff making work for me.
Works a lot better.
And that's just what I'll do on my desert island.
Find stuff making work for me.
He's loving it.
Did you say he was the happiest or the maddest man on the island? He's loving it.
Have you ever done the thing when you roll down the hill? Let's share some fun.
Let's have a roll.
I'd say: Happiness is like having a cake.
If you have a cake everyday, you get sick of that cake.
And if you're happy all the time, you get sick of being happy.
That's a good saying, actually.
Happiness is like a cake.
Have too much of it, you get sick of it.
I do not know why we're messing around so much, me and all this tribes.
I've met one.
I've met a tribe.
They'd better be different.
If I get on there and there's a bloke with his knob in some wicker.
I'll be annoyed because I've seen that.
Is this man "Friday", I'm meeting there? He is one of the chief's sons.
- This is the chief.
- Chief.
Which language do you speak? Naho.
It's all with N? Everything begins with N? What's that? Don't you run out of options? Do your kids play, have you heard the game "I spy?" Yes.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with N.
They can't play that here.
There's no way they'd play it, that'd be well boring.
They'll be there all day.
This is where people are lying? Bloody hell Jesus! Human? What's her name? - Nicola? - Yes.
It's making kava.
They take some sort of root, chop it off, pop into that thing, crush it all.
Add a bit of water.
It's all we're gonna be drinking.
I'm a bit worried about.
Because everyone is sticking their hands in it.
You look at this and you go: "It looks different.
" All a bit weird.
The pants they're wearing.
But at the end of the day, everyone loves a drink, don't they? I couldn't, to be honest, I don't think.
Doing this everyday.
It worries me, if tomorrow I wake up and they're going, "You're a good sport, you drank the kava, you had the pork, " "Pop a pair of pants on.
" I'm not wearing them pants.
I know Ricky kept going on about pants.
But I don't know what the rules are.
What happens if they say "pop these on".
"These are a pair of the chief's.
It's a real privilege.
" I'm not putting on, warm pants.
I don't know what's happening today.
The chief's son apparently is gonna be going on the desert island with me.
But before he does that, I have got to give him this gift.
A pig.
Great, ain't it? I've never met him before.
You think a box of chocolates or bunch of grapes would be enough, Well, I've got to give them a pig.
Some sort of tradition.
So I give you the pig and you give me this.
Bar term.
That pig makes you an honorary tribe member.
And this morning, the tribe would like to honour your presence by presenting you with own Nambas, a native-pants.
I'm not doing that.
I'm not to worry about that.
Don't trouble yourself.
I'm quite happy.
You'me made me welcome, I stayed the night, gave me kava.
You don't have to give me anymore.
I tried to fit in, but this is a bit of a big ask for me.
I just thought I was coming to learn some skills.
The pants are not an issue for me.
I've got lots of underwear whilst I'm on the desert island.
- It's getting a little - I know it is, yeah.
It is awkward.
They're adding a bit more now.
It's pop the pants on, then have a dance.
And that's when the things pop out I've brought him a pig! They should be well happy with that.
Why would they want to see me dancing about, in some leaf pants? That's gonna be out there on Youtube, forever, me walking around with my knob out, like that.
This is normal for you, but for me this will go on the TV.
And my mom and me dad are: "What's Karl been up to?" I'm dancing around with stuff on the show.
It's all there to see, ain't it? If it was a Christmas present, you wouldn't be getting any surprises.
"I know what that is.
" I've seen other Nambas, and there's lots of grass, lots of cover.
Yours is slightly different.
When I sat in there, last night, in the hut and I was looking out, I thought: "Quite fancy, some sort of sushi.
" That's what is looks like.
A bit of wrapped up cod in a leaf.
I'm not wearing it.
- Yes, that's good.
- Yes.
- Exactly.
And I can leave my - Yes.
It wouldn't have been much better if it had gone the other way.
It's a loose-loose.
John is gonna teach me everything I need to know, - How do I use this? How to I build? - Yes.
- Fish cook? Everything.
- Yes.
John.
Hello, John.
Good to see you.
Alright then.
This is for shelter? I don't know.
I don't mean there's everything you might need on the island, Karl.
He's here to teach you what you need to know.
Surely you should be getting involved to it.
I think I'm that type when I need to do something, I can do it.
I don't have to Jesus! Sting wouldn't be happy, would him? How big is this hut gonna be? - Are you coming to the beach? - Yes.
See that over there, that would be your desert island, mate.
Not as big as I thought.
I was picturing that Bounty advert.
A big con to get under.
It's pissing down, I'm on my way over to a muffin.
It's not even that far away.
I'm hardly escaping everyone, am I? I thought it was gonna be like in the middle of nowhere.
Peace and quiet.
Fucking freezing.
Come on, John.
It's just a bad start.
It's like moving on a rainy day.
You're getting all stuff wet.
It's all bloody rock.
I haven't started yet, the leaves are all damaged.
I've got trying to get this done.
Here! It is ideal.
A little bit of shelter from the wind.
In that little hole.
Tie it? I've got some string.
John? Yeah, use the string.
Let's just get it done.
It's fine.
More rocks for around the bottom.
Yeah, use that.
Let's get the roof up.
I honestly think people at home won't think I'm in the South Pacific.
It's cronic.
Shouldn't be making a shelter, should be building an ark! Should have brought more of this.
I never thought I'd be running out of gaffer here.
This wasn't what I expected, was it? I think, at the end of the day, as I am inside, I will change the rules a little bit.
Putting my coat in a minute, because this isn't doing anything.
In fact, I think the skirt is growing, with that much rain.
- I'm not sure Ricky will be happy about this, Karl.
- I don't give a shit.
There's no way he would be putting me up to this.
- It's all ruining the look, isn't it? - It was hardly a great look, was it? Pop it over your head.
Keep warm.
Down there.
Put the leaves on.
- What's going on with the fishing? - There isn't any.
There's none knocking about.
Nothing.
Nothing here.
It's been me and John sat here all day.
Built this, which I think is pretty good going, considering it can piss me down.
You swamed up over there, fucking filling your big fat faces.
And I thought, you'd come back with something.
It's not lighting.
It's wet.
He'd survive here on that situation.
But I'm not made for this.
Hi, John.
You're leaving? Taro? How long? Thanks again, John.
So basically, I'm eating that sort of raw potato for tonight.
Ricky gave us something for when John left.
In case you were unable to sort of, deal with your own company.
He thought maybe you'd like a little friend.
Where's the hole? That's all he gave me, is it? That What's to do with that? What's the point of that? Look at it! Just gonna annoy me up, that.
This is handy.
When I was in the hotel, that nice hotel that Ricky and Steve put me in, I took this, because when I I opened the kitchen cupboard, made me smile.
"Eggs on legs.
" Is an egg cup.
I've had that out three times, from inside with me facing down rain.
It annoys me now.
And that's the thing with hapiness.
You can't just ask for it on demand.
And what might seem like a good idea one day, when in happens, it's shit.
Like this egg cup.
It was good the other day.
I was relaxed, I was full.
I wasn't cold.
I wasn't pissed wet through.
I'm starving.
Getting wet all the time.
I hate getting wet.
Wet socks is one of my biggest hates.
- You haven't got any on.
- I know because they got wet.
It just like nothing, this.
Sort of a cross between wood and cardboard.
Desert Island.
Did it.
Done.
It wasn't that easy.
It was hardly a beach.
There was no sand.
It was all rocky.
Sharp stuff.
I had to sleep on it.
Getting on my ass and my kidneys Pissed in the lung.
Wasn't the comfiest night in my life.
I sat dazzling at a crossword.
"What is the American version of a prawn?" Which is shrimp.
Now I've relaxed, I know the answer.
At the time I was struggling.
Yes, but that's what I like that, yeah.
I like sort of being older.
I'm looking forward to that.
What use was that on a desert island? You with the Nambas on.
This thing is a nightmare, it's that.
Jesus.
Little bounty Alright, see you.
Ricky did say, he want it back, the foot ball back.
I've 36 hours on a plane, to get back home.
And I'm carrying that as hand luggage.
A little reminder That little annoying face.
He's not getting it.
When you finally get to do the thing that you want, you realise, it's not the thing you want.
The problem is, it's someone else's list.
I've got into, like a pick-and-mix, and I've picked the things that I've picked, because that's what's there.
I might have got in one liquorish, but they've got any.
So I had any of the colder cubes.
Typical, ain't it? The day I'm leaving, the sun comes out.
It's the Pilkington Luck