Animals. (2016) s02e01 Episode Script
Rats
1 (ominous music playing) (thunder crashes) (rock music playing) Red or green? (chuckles) Should be pretty easy.
Okay, so, I'll just go for it.
(electrical zap) (screams) I remember one night the kid cut off his right arm In a bid to save a bit of power (Mike grunting) He got 50,000 watts (chuckles) Oh fuck.
(sighs) - In a big acoustic tower (coughs) Phew! Okay, so that one nuh-uh.
Security's so tight tonight This one mm, eh, give it a shot.
(electrical zap) Ow! fuck! Mm-hmm.
- Oh they're ready for a tussle Okay.
Triangle, square, square, triangle.
Oval into oval, hexagon into hexagon.
Parallelogram into well, duh parallelogram.
(laughs) All right.
(snaps fingers) And so it goes and so it goes (clicks) And so it goes and so it goes (hums) (ecstatically) Fuck! Oh fuck.
(stammers) I push that one, it (mimics electrical zap) and I push that one, it's like (mimics electrical zap) and it's like Wait a minute.
But where it's goin' no one knows What if I push 'em both? (chuckles) (electrical zap) (screams) Fuck! (groans) - In the tall buildings (whirs) - Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Worthy men from Spain and Siam Whoa.
(chuckles) Fuck.
All day discussions (grunting) Fuck.
Fucking button.
With the Russians Ow.
Ow.
Okay, easy.
Easy, easy, easy.
Easy.
(music fades) (coughs, sniffles) Hey, Mikey, you home yet? Phil.
Hey, happy Friday, man.
Huh? - Hey! Likewise, dude.
Oh, do you know what? Come here.
I have a surprise for you.
Oh, no way.
Mike: Yeah.
How was your day? It was good.
They still got me on the button game.
Oh, I remember the buttons, sure.
Um, Jesus, it hurts, like, every time.
I thought they were gonna come fix that.
Hi, honey.
Mwah.
Lemme just wash up real quick and I'll be right back, okay? (water running) Oh, that's good.
Just wash the work week off.
It's the weekend.
Um, so, what's this surprise you got? Oh my God, yeah.
Okay, all right, close your eyes.
Okay.
Actually, open your eyes, I'll turn around.
Okay, cool.
- Okay.
All right.
Are they Are your eyes closed? No, my eyes are open.
I'm looking at the back of your head.
Sorry.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, ready? (wolf whistle) What the hell? Ah! Right? - What is that? Where'd you get it from? It's basically like a a warrior face paint.
Warrior.
- I think it's like a trophy for killing it in my challenges.
(chuckles) You know.
It's warrior face paint? I look tough as hell, huh? I know, dude.
I want some.
The only down side is it does make my lips stick together a little bit.
Wh I want my lips to stick.
I want lipstick.
This isn't fair, dude.
I'm just, like, having a little bit of a panic attack.
- No, I see that.
Every day's the same fucking thing here, man.
I do the button game, I get zapped.
You're doing your maze thing.
It's just like, what is this, man? Where are we? What are we doing here, Mike? Dude, dude, dude, just take your green pellet.
Okay? There you go.
- (gulps, sighs) I feel better.
(chuckles) Those types of questions It's it's a fool's errand to try to answer.
Okay? This is our life.
This is how it's always been and this is how it always will be.
You know, I bet you the cave rats asked these very same questions when they weren't, you know, jerking off to stars or whatever.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
- You know? Well, here, take another pill, and let's No.
You know what? I'm actually good.
Me and Lumpy are going to dinner later and I don't wanna fill up.
(laughs) Like my name.
Philip.
I love name jokes.
That's cool.
Oh, that's cool.
You guys are going to dinner? Yeah.
- And that's just a you-and-her thing? Yeah, we're not double-dating or anything this week.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Right, right.
It's just gonna be like (sniffles) - What did you say? I didn't.
I breathed in through my nose sharply.
(clears throat) If you're inviting me, I, of course, will go.
- No.
You know Fridays are date nights for me and Lumpy.
It's our one night a week to just get out and really enjoy You guys are together almost every night.
I don't know how many times I have to go over this with you.
(slowly) Friday nights? Can you understand me now? That's offensive.
- (coughs) If I just speak That's an offensive accent.
What accent was I doing? I can't even tell, but there's a hint of something It was just (coughs) and I don't like it.
No.
No, no, no.
Can I please come? - (emphatically) I'm not going over this again! Lumpy: Boys, boys.
Boys.
Now, Philly, I think it would be so nice to have Mike at dinner.
You know, we've got plenty of pellets.
(chuckles) Lumpy, you keep me sane.
Do you know that? You're the only thing worth living for in this crazy, mixed-up world.
Mike, of course you can come.
I'm sorry.
Oh, such a good man.
Isn't he such a good man? A great guy.
Great guy.
Two great people.
(chuckles) Our relationship is like two spring meadows just coming together and causing like a valley Of mild arousal.
I know.
I was just gonna say that, too.
Just mild arousal.
(both laugh) It it's pretty sick.
What are you guys talking about? Nothing, Michael.
(beeping) (beeps, buzzes) (whirs) (sighs) (chimps chattering) (sniffles) (chatters) (slurps, chatters) (chuckling) - You know what, Corey? It was your idea to get on this fucking monkey in the first place.
Ugh! Come on, are you kidding me? No, that's exactly what you said, Corey.
You said we're gonna get on the monkey and then we're gonna get front seats at the Knicks game.
You know what? It was a good plan.
Wh-wh-wh-what was the plan? We get on the circus monkey.
And what? The circus monkey goes to Madison Square Garden.
We hop off the monkey and we've got courtside seats for life.
It was foolproof, you idiot.
Yeah, and then the fucking monkey got kidnapped.
How the fuck was I supposed to know it was gonna get kidnapped? Pass me the ball.
Can you do this? Can you do this? I could do that.
No, you can't do shit.
You got no skills to pay the bills.
Yeah, right, dude.
They call me Carmelo Anthony, 'cause I'm the best Knick of all time.
Get the fuck outta here! What kind of Knicks fan are you? All right, who do you like? Top five Knicks of all time: I got Patrick Ewing at the center, Willis Reed I switch him over to the power forward Bernard King at the small forward, Earl "The Pearl" Monroe shooting guard, Walt "Clyde" Frazier at the two.
That's just my starting team.
Off the bench! God knows what I'm gonna do with you guys.
You know what, dude? You and me should play for the Knicks.
We would be good.
- Right? I mean, we'd be fantastic.
Quick.
We'd be sick.
We have four arms.
Four arms.
- Check it out.
Okay, yeah, we would have some problems with the size.
Yeah, you are a little short.
(stammers) I had a little coffee in high school.
Okay? It stunted my growth.
Uh, that explains it.
But I'm like Muggsy Bogues.
He was 5'3".
He was like a little gnat.
Gnats are smaller than us! That's true.
Gnats are smaller than fleas.
Wait a second.
Did we not take a left? Jesus, everything looks the same.
Huh.
Maybe we'll go this way.
(rustles) - Holy shit.
Look at fucking this.
(heavenly choir sings) Erik: This is beautiful.
Corey: It's fucking huge! (snores) - (chimps chattering) God.
Makes you think about how much smaller we are than this monkey.
And then Madison Square Garden? I bet you could fit like, I don't know, 50 monkeys in there.
At least 50 monkeys.
I mean, can you imagine how big the whole world is? Damn, dude.
Sometimes it's it's all too much.
What do you mean, Erik? I was just thinking There's this monkey, we're in his asshole Does he even know we exist? Probably not.
You know? But then, does God even know we exist? And-and and if he did know we existed, why would he even care about us? Corey: I don't know.
Maybe he doesn't, man.
Maybe we're free.
Just passing through.
A brief pause in the great cosmic dance.
It's like we're between planes of existence, you know? We're ephemeral.
- You know what I like about you? You got good words, Corey.
Thanks, Erik.
We are ephemeral.
It's like I'm only a small reflection of the world I constructed.
Yeah, exactly.
I I am big.
I mean, I am the second-tallest flea on this monkey's ass.
That's gotta stand for something, right? Yeah! You're getting it! Erik: Yo! I'm ephemeral! I don't give a shit! Corey: There you go, Erik! Let it out! Erik: I got blood pumping through my veins! I'm feeling good! It's mostly monkey blood, too! How you like that? Woo! I can see it on the Jumbotron right now.
Erik and Corey are the two greatest Knicks of all time! (crowd cheering) There's three seconds left.
I have the ball.
I put it behind my back! - Woo-hoo! Two, one! He shoots And it's good! (buzzer sounds) Corey: Yeah, yeah! Woo-hoo! The crowd goes crazy.
Everybody's going nuts.
Yeah! (kisses) - Whoa.
Wh-wh what the What the fuck was that? Oh.
Uh, I thought we were ephemeral, like "Who gives a shit?" You know? I don't know.
I'm gay.
Uh, yeah, no, I'm I'm gay too, but this is this is a sacred place, my friend.
You gotta earn that.
I'm sorry.
Shit.
I'm an idiot.
Well, don't apologize.
Maybe maybe you try again.
Oh.
Maybe shut your eyes this time? Yeah.
Sorry.
None of that tongue shit.
Of course.
- Kiss me on the lips, like a gentleman.
- (kisses) There you go.
Soft, nice.
Hold me tight.
(owl hoots) (thunder crashes) (all laugh) Phil: Anyway, we're out to dinner with Craig and What's his wife's name? Sarah.
Sarah, yeah.
So we - Yes.
Craig and Sarah? She's just, I mean, beautiful, lovely, really nice.
She's so nice, but Craig's got this nasally voice, so he's like (nasally) talking about everything.
(normal voice) The waiter comes over, right, and he tells him, "I'm sorry.
I think there's a cat in here or something.
" No, that's just Craig.
That's just Craig! (laughs) That's Craig! (all laughing) - Lumpy: I love it.
It's so funny.
Oh, careful.
Oh fuck.
- Philly.
Philly.
Philadelphia.
Philly made a spilly.
I'm sorry, dude.
I'm sorry.
Can we get some napkins over here? I'm sorry.
I'm fucking sorry.
Baby, I think you've had a bit too much.
Mmm.
- I think you're all mixed up.
You know what? We've been here a while.
Why don't we call it a night? No, you guys stay.
I I'm fucking wasted.
You know, I know it.
Listen, I know it.
(laughs) Yes.
Maybe you just need a little lie down.
I love you so much, Lumpy.
(chuckles) Oh.
Give your little baby boy a kiss, Mommy (coughs) I mean, Lumpy.
(laughs) Yes.
My little sweetie.
No, this is great.
I'm glad I came.
I'm gonna go lay my little head on my little bed.
That's a good idea, probably.
Sleepy bye-byes.
I'll be dreaming about you Oh.
My darling.
my precious Lumpy.
The only thing that makes life worth living.
Aww.
- Oop! I got it.
I got it.
Get off.
I got it.
I got it.
Oh, mind Okay.
All right? - Okay, see you guys later.
Yeah, all right.
Get some sleep, okay? Peace.
Peace, Philly.
(both laugh) - Yeah, Phil is crazy, huh? No, he really is.
He's absolutely mental.
Yeah.
You're not mental, though, are you? (clears throat) (whispering) Lumpy, we can't keep doing this.
Oh, but why not, Mike? I want you.
Don't do this.
- I just Please.
He's right there.
(snores) I pick the green one, I get zapped.
I pick the red one, I get zapped.
Oy vey.
It's a whole thing.
We have to tell him.
- No! (gasps) - No, you can't, or all this falls apart.
The guilt is eating me up inside.
I should be eating you up outside.
(slurps) - Oh my God.
- Lumpy, what the fuck? (clatters) - (kissing) (Phil moans) Morning, Mikey.
Morning, Lumpy.
Ah! - What? (moans) I had the craziest dream last night, you guys.
These two people just like wrestling, but it was also like they were having a lot of fun.
So weird, dude.
(both laugh nervously) That's crazy.
Phil: Yeah, dude.
- So abnormal.
But you were asleep for the whole night, though, right? Yeah, pretty uninterrupted.
It felt good, actually.
You needed that.
Wait a mmm.
Hold on a second.
Hmm? What's up? Why are you stopping talking? Umm Lumpy.
Mm-hmm? What did you do last night after I went to bed? Nothing.
- She didn't really do anything.
Nothing.
Yeah.
She just kind of hanging.
So, I went to bed and nothing happened? No.
No.
No.
- No, no, I didn't.
Did you? I didn't.
No.
- Did I no.
I didn't see Well, I can't believe this.
Look, dude.
O-okay.
They come in here overnight and give Lumpy warrior face paint.
Mike's got warrior face paint.
Philly's the only boy in the apartment not getting face paint! This is just rich, you know? This - Phil.
(sighs) Yeah, Mikey? What is it, my best friend in the whole world? Lumpy and I are in love.
(gasps) What'd you say? It's time to come clean.
Lumpy, is this true? - (sighs) I I don't know what to say.
That's kind of all I can say.
But Lumpy is my girlfriend.
And and, Mike, you're (clearing throat) you're my best You're my best friend, dude.
How could you ack! How could (choking) - Mike: Phil! Lumpy: Oh my God.
He's trying to kill himself.
Okay, I'm gonna grab his legs.
I wanna die! I wanna die! I'm trying! Get off of me! Go on! I'm not strong! Fuck you! Fuck you! (grunts) All right.
(mumbles) Oh, there he goes.
There he goes.
Grab him.
- I'm trying.
Lumpy: Phil.
- Phil, what are you doing? (chokes, coughs) I don't know how you could drown yourself with one of those anyway.
Okay, get him.
Keep an eye on him.
No, get off! I wanna fucking die.
- Both: No, no, no, no, no! Ow! Shit.
Oh God, here we go again.
(lighter clinks) Light myself on fucking fire! No! Don't blow it out! (blowing) Lumpy, get a blanket! Watch me burn! Get off of me! Son of a bitch.
(grunts) Oh Mike: Well, that didn't work.
Please.
Just just stop.
It's never going to work.
You're not going to kill yourself by running into a wall, okay? Just quit it.
Fuck, dude.
Lumpy? - Yes? Was I not a good boyfriend to you? Oh.
Ohh.
That's not really the answer I was looking for, Lumps.
You (sighs) I think you just need to eat.
I think you need to eat something.
Exactly.
Darling, have some pellets.
(excitedly) That's it! - What? I'll go on a hunger strike, dude.
No.
D - If I don't eat, then I'll die.
Don't do that.
- You two lovebirds are gonna have to watch me wither away! (laughs maniacally) Lump sat alone Mike: All right, get your hand on green.
Go.
Okay, I'm trying.
(laughs) - Where are you putting your hand? Where do you think I'm putting my hand? What are you, crazy? Oh my God.
- (Lumpy sighs) into Lump's pajamas (chanting) She totally confused all the passing piranhas Mike (on TV): Nobody ever thanks the plate guy.
Can you believe Variety panned this? It's really good.
Really funny and good.
Really.
Really funny and so good.
(chanting) I'm in space.
She's lump, she's lump, She's lump She might be dead Lump lingered last in line for brains And the one she got was sorta rotten and insane I think I'm gonna turn in.
- Okay.
Night, baby.
- All right, good night.
Love you.
Okay, love you.
(chuckles) (slurps) Hmm-hmm-hmm.
(page flutters) Umm hey.
- Mmm? Do you mind just like I don't When you're turning the page, it's it's pretty loud.
I'm literally just turning the page.
It just feels like you're actually making a point to turn it loud.
Hate to break it to you, me reading is not a personal attack on you.
(whispers) Okay.
This is exactly what Dr.
Schumacher said.
Mike: Schumacher's a quack.
(Lumpy sighs) I don't understand why this is a thing that is rooted in the relationship.
It's always, "Oh yeah, this thing you did this one time.
" Why are you being so aggressive toward me with this? I'm sorry.
I'm being aggressive? Yeah, you are.
(arguing continues) She could've read a magazine right on top of my head.
I would've been a fucking magazine rack for her.
I miss Lumpy's rack.
Oh my God.
(coughs) So sad.
Mike: You actually make it a loud thing somehow! Lumpy: At least I'm reading, not watching porn.
(snoring) Mike: Oh my God.
Phil: A rat in the sewer.
That's what makes sense.
Mike: It just feels right.
(coughs, moans) Mike: You know, it's really good, too.
I wasn't expecting it to taste like this, which was really nice.
(grunts) (moaning, chewing) (gasps) Whoa, dude.
Mike: Politically, it makes a difference.
What the fuck was that, man? You're cracking up, Philly.
Mike: Good to take into consideration.
Oh, Phil.
(groans) Phil's up.
Phil! Join us for brunch.
Come on.
I feel weird.
- Mike: Come on.
You can still be on your "hunger strike" and hang out with your two roomies.
Yeah.
There he is.
Welcome back.
I can actually see your heart beating.
I can see it through your chest.
Mike: Wow.
Look at that.
Oh, interesting.
So, listen, I was just telling this story.
Yeah.
- So, Lumpy and I just had lunch with our friends Craig and Sarah.
Craig and Sarah? So, Craig's got this (nasally) nasally voice.
What the fuck, dude? This all just happened.
This all just happened.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, Mike.
Who is Who is Craig? (normal voice) Craig? Who actually is Craig? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Craig is (smacks lips) Honey, how do we know Craig? (distorted) From college.
Sarah is his wife.
That was weird.
That was - She knows Craig from college.
'cause Sarah is his wife.
Well, exactly.
Yeah.
Mike.
- What's confusing? Can I talk to you real quick over here? Is that cool? Why? - Just a quick talk.
Yeah, but we're eating.
We're in the middle of eating.
He hasn't actually had his morning pellets.
I have boy problems.
It has to do with my wiener, and it's really personal.
- Oh! It's super embarrassing for me to bring it up right now.
Phil has these problems all the time.
No, I know.
Let me go bro out with him for a little bit.
Thank you so much.
I'll be back.
We'll be right back.
I'm so sorry.
Okay, Mike, I need you to listen to me, dude.
Look, you just get some hand sanitizer and just douse the thing.
No, Mike, dude, listen to me.
Craig, Sarah, these fucking people They're not real, man, and neither is Lumpy.
What are you talking about? Remember what we said earlier about this being everything? Uh-huh.
- I don't think this is everything, dude! I think there's more than that! I I had a fucking vision last night that we lived in the sewers, dude.
I had a mom, and you had parents, and we'd listen to 311, dude, and it was sick tight.
Phil, you're seriously acting crazy.
You need to eat.
Just take a pellet.
I don't (gags) (slurring) Eat the pellet, dude.
Eat the - Whoa! (normal voice) pellet.
Come on.
That's it, dude.
It's the pellets! They're clouding our fucking vision, man.
That's why Lumpy What are you guys talking about? - Jesus Christ.
Okay, stand back from me, Lumpy.
Hey, Lumpy.
Hi.
- All right, dude? I don't want any trouble.
Mike, listen to me.
The pellets? It's like a brain wash or something like that.
- What? And Lumpy wants us to eat them because she only exists because we take the pills, Mike.
- That's nonsense.
That's ridiculous.
Why would you listen to him? Umm He's crazy and half-starved.
Okay, well, that's a good point.
That's what happens when you don't eat the pellets! I fucking look good, Mike.
You get sad.
You look terrible.
I'm not sad! I'm the happiest I've ever been! Because I'm thinking straight, baby! If he's not gonna eat, we're gonna make him, okay, Mikey? Oh shit.
- Are you with me, or are you not? Mikey! This is a little nuts, Mike, don't you agree, dude? Like maybe something bigger is at work here? It's for his own good.
Give me the pill.
I'm warning you, dude.
You're gonna eat this shit.
She's freaking me out.
You'd better have an umbrella, 'cause we're gonna make it rain up in this motherfucker.
(grunts) - What the fuck? I gotta make it hurt, motherfucker.
What the hell, Lumpy? You're insane, dude! Not the vases! We got those in Prague! Phil: You broke my fricking heart, dude.
(grunts) I loved you, Lumpy! (grunts) (rips) (Phil shouts) Oh shit.
(screaming) What the fuck? Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Motherfucker! You ripped my fucking arm off! You fucking monster.
(grunts) (groans, grunts) Fucking Mike: Did you want more syrup? (spits) What the fuck? - Mike: What are you reading? Lumpy: War and Peace.
- Dude, seriously? Fucking I mean, it's really dull, but I just feel like it's something you should do in life.
(elevator dings) (beeping) (beeps) (hums, beeps) (bubbling) (elevator door opens, closes) All: Algae! Algae! (barking "algae") Algae.
(sighs) Algae.
Algae.
(chuckles) Algae, algae.
- Algae.
Algae? - Algae.
Algae, Algae.
Algae! - Algae.
Algae.
(stressed) Al-gae! Algae, algae.
(crying) Algae! Algae! - Algae? (screams) (spanks) - Algae.
(cries) Algae.
(laughs) Parents: Algae.
- (passionately) Algae.
Algae.
(door opens) Algae? (gasps) (screams) Algae! Algae, algae! Algae! - Algae? (sadly) Algae.
(clears throat) Algae, algae.
Algae, algae.
- Algae.
Algae, algae.
Algae, algae.
Huh! Algae, algae? Algae, algae.
Algae, algae, algae.
(laughs) Algae, algae.
- Algae.
(chuckles) - Algae.
(sniffles) This is good shit.
What strain is this again? Uh, algae? W wait.
What? Uh, algae, algae.
But okay, if this is algae, and I'm algae, then everything is algae, and then nothing is algae, and nothing matters! Existence is futile! Life is meaningless! (laughs) Algae, algae.
Shut the fuck up! Algae! - Stop saying "algae"! Fucking think for once in your life! (laughing) Algae! Wake up, you fucking sheep! Mom, Dad! - Both: Algae? Am I alive? Do I matter? Algae, algae, algae.
No! Listen to yourselves! You're insane! Algae, algae! (gasps) You! Say something! Algae? Algae, algae, algae.
(screams) This isn't real! This is a test! There is no God! Others: Algae, algae.
Life is prison! Others: Algae, algae, algae I am insignificant.
My existence carries no weight.
I am ephemeral.
I am I am nothing.
(barking "algae") Could you get your fucking dog out of my Algae, algae, algae.
Oh.
Algae, algae.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
Algae, algae, algae.
(chuckles) A-algae, algae.
Algae.
- Algae.
Algae, algae.
- (chuckles) Algae, algae.
Algae, Algae.
A-algae? Algae, algae.
(chattering) (slurring) Lumpy, I swear to fucking God, I put the toilet seat down.
God! What, are you on your period or something? Listen to me, man.
Lumpy's not real, dude! It was a joke, Lumpy.
She's just a side effect of the pellets, man! Remember the sewers, dude! Remember your family! You're so sensitive.
Having freedom! - Freedom? What is he saying? Don't listen to him.
He's a gross little pervert.
Please eat.
I I don't know, Lumpy.
I mean, I sorta I remember tunnels.
You know what? You're thinking of the tube challenge.
The tube challenge? You know, the challenge with all the tubes and all the You're just mixed up, my darling.
You're all mixed up.
- All mixed up? Mm-hmm.
All mixed up with the tube challenge.
(slurs) "All Mixed Up"? "All Mixed Up.
" Fucking "All Mixed Up," dude.
311! That's it! (clears throat) Mike, Mike, Mike! Huh? - You've got to trust your instinct Mike, don't listen to him.
And let go of regret (emphatically) Eat the pill.
Mike, come back.
You've got to bet On yourself now, star Come back to my sexiness.
Have you forgotten our love? Come back and be with me, please.
'Cause that's your best bet (vocalizes music) - Lumpy: Come on! Both: All mixed up, you don't know what to do Next thing, you turn around and find the person is you Thought a freak might be the thing But the first could be the last So just get off of your ass Dude, 311! I know.
Right? Oh my God! So dope, that song.
Dude, I remember the sewers now.
- Exactly.
Right? Holy shit.
Wait, they kidnapped us.
What the fuck? Dude, let's fucking bail.
Yeah, no.
Fuck this.
Let's leave.
- Let's get the fuck outta here.
Mike.
Mikey.
Phil.
Philadelphia.
You'll die out there.
It's safe here.
You're leaving heaven.
You're leaving perfection.
You're telling me you don't want it? She's definitely not real.
No, she's not real at all.
I'm still the pill is still in my body I know.
so I'm still I'm seeing it too, actually.
Fine, you fucking sewer rats! (sizzling) Go back to where you belong! You'll burn, you fucking pieces of shit.
(high-pitched) Plague! You are a plague! (grunts, gasps) (whistles) Wow.
That was intense.
Yeah.
- I gotta say.
She really went for it at the end there.
She went very hard, very hard about it.
Wizard of Oz-y sort of thing.
Oh, that's what it was.
Yeah, she just melted.
Yeah.
It was like a Wizard of Oz thing.
Can you untie me and get me some water? Oh yeah, yeah, sorry.
What do you want? What did you say? Can you untie me and get me some water? Water.
Sorry, the water part I was gonna untie you.
I just didn't hear the water part.
Got it.
Water.
Hey, man.
Sorry for what happened there before with me stealing Lumpy from you and everything.
You know what? It's totally fine, dude.
Now that we both realize she was a figment of both of our imaginations, I willed that into existence as well.
I'm just glad we can be cool.
Yeah, I know.
Bros.
Bros.
(chuckles) - So sick.
(both snap fingers) (grunts) So, this situation.
How do we get outta here? Umm okay, here's a pitch.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll sneak through these bars since I'm super skinny - Uh-huh.
and I'll unlock it.
And then, Mike, (door squeaks open) since you're good at mazes, you can navigate us (footsteps) through air-conditioning units or whatever.
We'll just fucking like (mimics kicking) And then we'll just like, "Whoa!" down some fucking slide or some shit.
Then some guy will try to fucking stop us.
(whistle tweets) (coughs) And we fucking just swung across this huge cavern with some floss or whatever.
It was like, "Skloosh!" Slide into first, safe, dude.
Two runs in, dude.
(laughs) (cheering) - Reporter: Wait, hold up.
You mean to tell me that all that just worked? You just escaped? Uh - Uh, yeah.
I mean, basically just like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Easy-peasy.
(chuckles) Seems like you're skipping over a lot of details.
Listen, dude, he just told you.
(chuckles) Fucking (mimics kick) and then it was all like (whooshes) The whoosh, right? And I was like, "Whoa!" And then the guy was like Did you not hear what Phil said? Am I not speaking English? You guys need to hear this twice? You guys need to hear this again? Jesus Christ.
Fine, fine.
Back to this Lumpy character.
You mean to tell me she was made up of sawdust, chewed up food, and your own feces? Yes, sir, that is correct, but Mike and I like to think of it It's on the inside what counts, you know? Which technically, for her, would be just more fecal matter and shit.
It helped her stick together, just so that's clear.
Yeah.
Last question.
Rumors are flying.
Did either of you two ever find yourself in an intimate embrace with Lumpy, the shit-pile sawdust woman? Hmm.
How do you mean? Did you ever fuck a lump of your own shit? Both: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Actually, funny enough, she only did butt stuff to me.
That's interesting.
For me, she only held me like a baby, sang to me, and brushed my hair.
That sorta stuff.
Mm-hmm.
Ah.
Interesting.
So, hmm, that's interesting.
Mom: Okay, maybe that's enough questions for now.
We're all very tired.
(cheering) Can you two shake each other's hands so I can take a black and white photo with a flashbulb? I don't see why not? Phil: Yeah, sure.
If you can imagine, it'll be right on the cover of the newspaper.
Uh-uh, don't smile.
(flash poofs) Reporter: Pssh! And here it spins.
(rat coughs) Reporter: Any second now.
Hmm.
I don't know Oh, there it is.
Ah.
Feels good to be home, huh? It feels good, man.
It feels good to be on the air.
Well, in New York City air.
Safe and sound.
(train rattles) (ominous music playing) (coughing) (speaks indiscernibly) (speaks indiscernibly) (hip-hop music playing) (cheering) Ice-T: Animals, we back at it First episode, we in with the credits Fleas on the monkey got me feeling kinda funky Who's messing with my head? It must be Lumpy Do the Lumpy now, rip your arm off Scream out loud! Scream out loud Do the Lumpy now, rip your arm off Scream out loud! Scream out loud What's in store for season two? Dr.
Labcoat's a shady dude Who's gonna show up? Will the rats ever grow up? Put your dancing shoes on, it's time to blow up New York City.
- (people whooping) Let me hear it again! - Man: Algae! (all chanting) Algae, Algae, Algae! Algae, algae, algae! Algae, algae! Ice-T: Algae, baby.
Phil: All right, I'm gonna go now.
Lemme go.
I'm gonna split.
Man: Oh yeah! Check.
Oh.
- Phil: What? Okay, how much time do we have? Mike: What happened? It's almost over.
You go, you go.
No, you go.
Do it.
- No, I can't.
Well, now you're putting the pressure on me.
Well, now it's almost over.
It's basically over.
I can't.
I told you - Just go.
We should've written it.
(sighs) Is Iced-T still here? Is he still here? Oh my God.
- He left but Okay, well, now the vanity cards are up and it's over.
(Soft instrumental music)
Okay, so, I'll just go for it.
(electrical zap) (screams) I remember one night the kid cut off his right arm In a bid to save a bit of power (Mike grunting) He got 50,000 watts (chuckles) Oh fuck.
(sighs) - In a big acoustic tower (coughs) Phew! Okay, so that one nuh-uh.
Security's so tight tonight This one mm, eh, give it a shot.
(electrical zap) Ow! fuck! Mm-hmm.
- Oh they're ready for a tussle Okay.
Triangle, square, square, triangle.
Oval into oval, hexagon into hexagon.
Parallelogram into well, duh parallelogram.
(laughs) All right.
(snaps fingers) And so it goes and so it goes (clicks) And so it goes and so it goes (hums) (ecstatically) Fuck! Oh fuck.
(stammers) I push that one, it (mimics electrical zap) and I push that one, it's like (mimics electrical zap) and it's like Wait a minute.
But where it's goin' no one knows What if I push 'em both? (chuckles) (electrical zap) (screams) Fuck! (groans) - In the tall buildings (whirs) - Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Worthy men from Spain and Siam Whoa.
(chuckles) Fuck.
All day discussions (grunting) Fuck.
Fucking button.
With the Russians Ow.
Ow.
Okay, easy.
Easy, easy, easy.
Easy.
(music fades) (coughs, sniffles) Hey, Mikey, you home yet? Phil.
Hey, happy Friday, man.
Huh? - Hey! Likewise, dude.
Oh, do you know what? Come here.
I have a surprise for you.
Oh, no way.
Mike: Yeah.
How was your day? It was good.
They still got me on the button game.
Oh, I remember the buttons, sure.
Um, Jesus, it hurts, like, every time.
I thought they were gonna come fix that.
Hi, honey.
Mwah.
Lemme just wash up real quick and I'll be right back, okay? (water running) Oh, that's good.
Just wash the work week off.
It's the weekend.
Um, so, what's this surprise you got? Oh my God, yeah.
Okay, all right, close your eyes.
Okay.
Actually, open your eyes, I'll turn around.
Okay, cool.
- Okay.
All right.
Are they Are your eyes closed? No, my eyes are open.
I'm looking at the back of your head.
Sorry.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, ready? (wolf whistle) What the hell? Ah! Right? - What is that? Where'd you get it from? It's basically like a a warrior face paint.
Warrior.
- I think it's like a trophy for killing it in my challenges.
(chuckles) You know.
It's warrior face paint? I look tough as hell, huh? I know, dude.
I want some.
The only down side is it does make my lips stick together a little bit.
Wh I want my lips to stick.
I want lipstick.
This isn't fair, dude.
I'm just, like, having a little bit of a panic attack.
- No, I see that.
Every day's the same fucking thing here, man.
I do the button game, I get zapped.
You're doing your maze thing.
It's just like, what is this, man? Where are we? What are we doing here, Mike? Dude, dude, dude, just take your green pellet.
Okay? There you go.
- (gulps, sighs) I feel better.
(chuckles) Those types of questions It's it's a fool's errand to try to answer.
Okay? This is our life.
This is how it's always been and this is how it always will be.
You know, I bet you the cave rats asked these very same questions when they weren't, you know, jerking off to stars or whatever.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
- You know? Well, here, take another pill, and let's No.
You know what? I'm actually good.
Me and Lumpy are going to dinner later and I don't wanna fill up.
(laughs) Like my name.
Philip.
I love name jokes.
That's cool.
Oh, that's cool.
You guys are going to dinner? Yeah.
- And that's just a you-and-her thing? Yeah, we're not double-dating or anything this week.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Right, right.
It's just gonna be like (sniffles) - What did you say? I didn't.
I breathed in through my nose sharply.
(clears throat) If you're inviting me, I, of course, will go.
- No.
You know Fridays are date nights for me and Lumpy.
It's our one night a week to just get out and really enjoy You guys are together almost every night.
I don't know how many times I have to go over this with you.
(slowly) Friday nights? Can you understand me now? That's offensive.
- (coughs) If I just speak That's an offensive accent.
What accent was I doing? I can't even tell, but there's a hint of something It was just (coughs) and I don't like it.
No.
No, no, no.
Can I please come? - (emphatically) I'm not going over this again! Lumpy: Boys, boys.
Boys.
Now, Philly, I think it would be so nice to have Mike at dinner.
You know, we've got plenty of pellets.
(chuckles) Lumpy, you keep me sane.
Do you know that? You're the only thing worth living for in this crazy, mixed-up world.
Mike, of course you can come.
I'm sorry.
Oh, such a good man.
Isn't he such a good man? A great guy.
Great guy.
Two great people.
(chuckles) Our relationship is like two spring meadows just coming together and causing like a valley Of mild arousal.
I know.
I was just gonna say that, too.
Just mild arousal.
(both laugh) It it's pretty sick.
What are you guys talking about? Nothing, Michael.
(beeping) (beeps, buzzes) (whirs) (sighs) (chimps chattering) (sniffles) (chatters) (slurps, chatters) (chuckling) - You know what, Corey? It was your idea to get on this fucking monkey in the first place.
Ugh! Come on, are you kidding me? No, that's exactly what you said, Corey.
You said we're gonna get on the monkey and then we're gonna get front seats at the Knicks game.
You know what? It was a good plan.
Wh-wh-wh-what was the plan? We get on the circus monkey.
And what? The circus monkey goes to Madison Square Garden.
We hop off the monkey and we've got courtside seats for life.
It was foolproof, you idiot.
Yeah, and then the fucking monkey got kidnapped.
How the fuck was I supposed to know it was gonna get kidnapped? Pass me the ball.
Can you do this? Can you do this? I could do that.
No, you can't do shit.
You got no skills to pay the bills.
Yeah, right, dude.
They call me Carmelo Anthony, 'cause I'm the best Knick of all time.
Get the fuck outta here! What kind of Knicks fan are you? All right, who do you like? Top five Knicks of all time: I got Patrick Ewing at the center, Willis Reed I switch him over to the power forward Bernard King at the small forward, Earl "The Pearl" Monroe shooting guard, Walt "Clyde" Frazier at the two.
That's just my starting team.
Off the bench! God knows what I'm gonna do with you guys.
You know what, dude? You and me should play for the Knicks.
We would be good.
- Right? I mean, we'd be fantastic.
Quick.
We'd be sick.
We have four arms.
Four arms.
- Check it out.
Okay, yeah, we would have some problems with the size.
Yeah, you are a little short.
(stammers) I had a little coffee in high school.
Okay? It stunted my growth.
Uh, that explains it.
But I'm like Muggsy Bogues.
He was 5'3".
He was like a little gnat.
Gnats are smaller than us! That's true.
Gnats are smaller than fleas.
Wait a second.
Did we not take a left? Jesus, everything looks the same.
Huh.
Maybe we'll go this way.
(rustles) - Holy shit.
Look at fucking this.
(heavenly choir sings) Erik: This is beautiful.
Corey: It's fucking huge! (snores) - (chimps chattering) God.
Makes you think about how much smaller we are than this monkey.
And then Madison Square Garden? I bet you could fit like, I don't know, 50 monkeys in there.
At least 50 monkeys.
I mean, can you imagine how big the whole world is? Damn, dude.
Sometimes it's it's all too much.
What do you mean, Erik? I was just thinking There's this monkey, we're in his asshole Does he even know we exist? Probably not.
You know? But then, does God even know we exist? And-and and if he did know we existed, why would he even care about us? Corey: I don't know.
Maybe he doesn't, man.
Maybe we're free.
Just passing through.
A brief pause in the great cosmic dance.
It's like we're between planes of existence, you know? We're ephemeral.
- You know what I like about you? You got good words, Corey.
Thanks, Erik.
We are ephemeral.
It's like I'm only a small reflection of the world I constructed.
Yeah, exactly.
I I am big.
I mean, I am the second-tallest flea on this monkey's ass.
That's gotta stand for something, right? Yeah! You're getting it! Erik: Yo! I'm ephemeral! I don't give a shit! Corey: There you go, Erik! Let it out! Erik: I got blood pumping through my veins! I'm feeling good! It's mostly monkey blood, too! How you like that? Woo! I can see it on the Jumbotron right now.
Erik and Corey are the two greatest Knicks of all time! (crowd cheering) There's three seconds left.
I have the ball.
I put it behind my back! - Woo-hoo! Two, one! He shoots And it's good! (buzzer sounds) Corey: Yeah, yeah! Woo-hoo! The crowd goes crazy.
Everybody's going nuts.
Yeah! (kisses) - Whoa.
Wh-wh what the What the fuck was that? Oh.
Uh, I thought we were ephemeral, like "Who gives a shit?" You know? I don't know.
I'm gay.
Uh, yeah, no, I'm I'm gay too, but this is this is a sacred place, my friend.
You gotta earn that.
I'm sorry.
Shit.
I'm an idiot.
Well, don't apologize.
Maybe maybe you try again.
Oh.
Maybe shut your eyes this time? Yeah.
Sorry.
None of that tongue shit.
Of course.
- Kiss me on the lips, like a gentleman.
- (kisses) There you go.
Soft, nice.
Hold me tight.
(owl hoots) (thunder crashes) (all laugh) Phil: Anyway, we're out to dinner with Craig and What's his wife's name? Sarah.
Sarah, yeah.
So we - Yes.
Craig and Sarah? She's just, I mean, beautiful, lovely, really nice.
She's so nice, but Craig's got this nasally voice, so he's like (nasally) talking about everything.
(normal voice) The waiter comes over, right, and he tells him, "I'm sorry.
I think there's a cat in here or something.
" No, that's just Craig.
That's just Craig! (laughs) That's Craig! (all laughing) - Lumpy: I love it.
It's so funny.
Oh, careful.
Oh fuck.
- Philly.
Philly.
Philadelphia.
Philly made a spilly.
I'm sorry, dude.
I'm sorry.
Can we get some napkins over here? I'm sorry.
I'm fucking sorry.
Baby, I think you've had a bit too much.
Mmm.
- I think you're all mixed up.
You know what? We've been here a while.
Why don't we call it a night? No, you guys stay.
I I'm fucking wasted.
You know, I know it.
Listen, I know it.
(laughs) Yes.
Maybe you just need a little lie down.
I love you so much, Lumpy.
(chuckles) Oh.
Give your little baby boy a kiss, Mommy (coughs) I mean, Lumpy.
(laughs) Yes.
My little sweetie.
No, this is great.
I'm glad I came.
I'm gonna go lay my little head on my little bed.
That's a good idea, probably.
Sleepy bye-byes.
I'll be dreaming about you Oh.
My darling.
my precious Lumpy.
The only thing that makes life worth living.
Aww.
- Oop! I got it.
I got it.
Get off.
I got it.
I got it.
Oh, mind Okay.
All right? - Okay, see you guys later.
Yeah, all right.
Get some sleep, okay? Peace.
Peace, Philly.
(both laugh) - Yeah, Phil is crazy, huh? No, he really is.
He's absolutely mental.
Yeah.
You're not mental, though, are you? (clears throat) (whispering) Lumpy, we can't keep doing this.
Oh, but why not, Mike? I want you.
Don't do this.
- I just Please.
He's right there.
(snores) I pick the green one, I get zapped.
I pick the red one, I get zapped.
Oy vey.
It's a whole thing.
We have to tell him.
- No! (gasps) - No, you can't, or all this falls apart.
The guilt is eating me up inside.
I should be eating you up outside.
(slurps) - Oh my God.
- Lumpy, what the fuck? (clatters) - (kissing) (Phil moans) Morning, Mikey.
Morning, Lumpy.
Ah! - What? (moans) I had the craziest dream last night, you guys.
These two people just like wrestling, but it was also like they were having a lot of fun.
So weird, dude.
(both laugh nervously) That's crazy.
Phil: Yeah, dude.
- So abnormal.
But you were asleep for the whole night, though, right? Yeah, pretty uninterrupted.
It felt good, actually.
You needed that.
Wait a mmm.
Hold on a second.
Hmm? What's up? Why are you stopping talking? Umm Lumpy.
Mm-hmm? What did you do last night after I went to bed? Nothing.
- She didn't really do anything.
Nothing.
Yeah.
She just kind of hanging.
So, I went to bed and nothing happened? No.
No.
No.
- No, no, I didn't.
Did you? I didn't.
No.
- Did I no.
I didn't see Well, I can't believe this.
Look, dude.
O-okay.
They come in here overnight and give Lumpy warrior face paint.
Mike's got warrior face paint.
Philly's the only boy in the apartment not getting face paint! This is just rich, you know? This - Phil.
(sighs) Yeah, Mikey? What is it, my best friend in the whole world? Lumpy and I are in love.
(gasps) What'd you say? It's time to come clean.
Lumpy, is this true? - (sighs) I I don't know what to say.
That's kind of all I can say.
But Lumpy is my girlfriend.
And and, Mike, you're (clearing throat) you're my best You're my best friend, dude.
How could you ack! How could (choking) - Mike: Phil! Lumpy: Oh my God.
He's trying to kill himself.
Okay, I'm gonna grab his legs.
I wanna die! I wanna die! I'm trying! Get off of me! Go on! I'm not strong! Fuck you! Fuck you! (grunts) All right.
(mumbles) Oh, there he goes.
There he goes.
Grab him.
- I'm trying.
Lumpy: Phil.
- Phil, what are you doing? (chokes, coughs) I don't know how you could drown yourself with one of those anyway.
Okay, get him.
Keep an eye on him.
No, get off! I wanna fucking die.
- Both: No, no, no, no, no! Ow! Shit.
Oh God, here we go again.
(lighter clinks) Light myself on fucking fire! No! Don't blow it out! (blowing) Lumpy, get a blanket! Watch me burn! Get off of me! Son of a bitch.
(grunts) Oh Mike: Well, that didn't work.
Please.
Just just stop.
It's never going to work.
You're not going to kill yourself by running into a wall, okay? Just quit it.
Fuck, dude.
Lumpy? - Yes? Was I not a good boyfriend to you? Oh.
Ohh.
That's not really the answer I was looking for, Lumps.
You (sighs) I think you just need to eat.
I think you need to eat something.
Exactly.
Darling, have some pellets.
(excitedly) That's it! - What? I'll go on a hunger strike, dude.
No.
D - If I don't eat, then I'll die.
Don't do that.
- You two lovebirds are gonna have to watch me wither away! (laughs maniacally) Lump sat alone Mike: All right, get your hand on green.
Go.
Okay, I'm trying.
(laughs) - Where are you putting your hand? Where do you think I'm putting my hand? What are you, crazy? Oh my God.
- (Lumpy sighs) into Lump's pajamas (chanting) She totally confused all the passing piranhas Mike (on TV): Nobody ever thanks the plate guy.
Can you believe Variety panned this? It's really good.
Really funny and good.
Really.
Really funny and so good.
(chanting) I'm in space.
She's lump, she's lump, She's lump She might be dead Lump lingered last in line for brains And the one she got was sorta rotten and insane I think I'm gonna turn in.
- Okay.
Night, baby.
- All right, good night.
Love you.
Okay, love you.
(chuckles) (slurps) Hmm-hmm-hmm.
(page flutters) Umm hey.
- Mmm? Do you mind just like I don't When you're turning the page, it's it's pretty loud.
I'm literally just turning the page.
It just feels like you're actually making a point to turn it loud.
Hate to break it to you, me reading is not a personal attack on you.
(whispers) Okay.
This is exactly what Dr.
Schumacher said.
Mike: Schumacher's a quack.
(Lumpy sighs) I don't understand why this is a thing that is rooted in the relationship.
It's always, "Oh yeah, this thing you did this one time.
" Why are you being so aggressive toward me with this? I'm sorry.
I'm being aggressive? Yeah, you are.
(arguing continues) She could've read a magazine right on top of my head.
I would've been a fucking magazine rack for her.
I miss Lumpy's rack.
Oh my God.
(coughs) So sad.
Mike: You actually make it a loud thing somehow! Lumpy: At least I'm reading, not watching porn.
(snoring) Mike: Oh my God.
Phil: A rat in the sewer.
That's what makes sense.
Mike: It just feels right.
(coughs, moans) Mike: You know, it's really good, too.
I wasn't expecting it to taste like this, which was really nice.
(grunts) (moaning, chewing) (gasps) Whoa, dude.
Mike: Politically, it makes a difference.
What the fuck was that, man? You're cracking up, Philly.
Mike: Good to take into consideration.
Oh, Phil.
(groans) Phil's up.
Phil! Join us for brunch.
Come on.
I feel weird.
- Mike: Come on.
You can still be on your "hunger strike" and hang out with your two roomies.
Yeah.
There he is.
Welcome back.
I can actually see your heart beating.
I can see it through your chest.
Mike: Wow.
Look at that.
Oh, interesting.
So, listen, I was just telling this story.
Yeah.
- So, Lumpy and I just had lunch with our friends Craig and Sarah.
Craig and Sarah? So, Craig's got this (nasally) nasally voice.
What the fuck, dude? This all just happened.
This all just happened.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, Mike.
Who is Who is Craig? (normal voice) Craig? Who actually is Craig? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Craig is (smacks lips) Honey, how do we know Craig? (distorted) From college.
Sarah is his wife.
That was weird.
That was - She knows Craig from college.
'cause Sarah is his wife.
Well, exactly.
Yeah.
Mike.
- What's confusing? Can I talk to you real quick over here? Is that cool? Why? - Just a quick talk.
Yeah, but we're eating.
We're in the middle of eating.
He hasn't actually had his morning pellets.
I have boy problems.
It has to do with my wiener, and it's really personal.
- Oh! It's super embarrassing for me to bring it up right now.
Phil has these problems all the time.
No, I know.
Let me go bro out with him for a little bit.
Thank you so much.
I'll be back.
We'll be right back.
I'm so sorry.
Okay, Mike, I need you to listen to me, dude.
Look, you just get some hand sanitizer and just douse the thing.
No, Mike, dude, listen to me.
Craig, Sarah, these fucking people They're not real, man, and neither is Lumpy.
What are you talking about? Remember what we said earlier about this being everything? Uh-huh.
- I don't think this is everything, dude! I think there's more than that! I I had a fucking vision last night that we lived in the sewers, dude.
I had a mom, and you had parents, and we'd listen to 311, dude, and it was sick tight.
Phil, you're seriously acting crazy.
You need to eat.
Just take a pellet.
I don't (gags) (slurring) Eat the pellet, dude.
Eat the - Whoa! (normal voice) pellet.
Come on.
That's it, dude.
It's the pellets! They're clouding our fucking vision, man.
That's why Lumpy What are you guys talking about? - Jesus Christ.
Okay, stand back from me, Lumpy.
Hey, Lumpy.
Hi.
- All right, dude? I don't want any trouble.
Mike, listen to me.
The pellets? It's like a brain wash or something like that.
- What? And Lumpy wants us to eat them because she only exists because we take the pills, Mike.
- That's nonsense.
That's ridiculous.
Why would you listen to him? Umm He's crazy and half-starved.
Okay, well, that's a good point.
That's what happens when you don't eat the pellets! I fucking look good, Mike.
You get sad.
You look terrible.
I'm not sad! I'm the happiest I've ever been! Because I'm thinking straight, baby! If he's not gonna eat, we're gonna make him, okay, Mikey? Oh shit.
- Are you with me, or are you not? Mikey! This is a little nuts, Mike, don't you agree, dude? Like maybe something bigger is at work here? It's for his own good.
Give me the pill.
I'm warning you, dude.
You're gonna eat this shit.
She's freaking me out.
You'd better have an umbrella, 'cause we're gonna make it rain up in this motherfucker.
(grunts) - What the fuck? I gotta make it hurt, motherfucker.
What the hell, Lumpy? You're insane, dude! Not the vases! We got those in Prague! Phil: You broke my fricking heart, dude.
(grunts) I loved you, Lumpy! (grunts) (rips) (Phil shouts) Oh shit.
(screaming) What the fuck? Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Motherfucker! You ripped my fucking arm off! You fucking monster.
(grunts) (groans, grunts) Fucking Mike: Did you want more syrup? (spits) What the fuck? - Mike: What are you reading? Lumpy: War and Peace.
- Dude, seriously? Fucking I mean, it's really dull, but I just feel like it's something you should do in life.
(elevator dings) (beeping) (beeps) (hums, beeps) (bubbling) (elevator door opens, closes) All: Algae! Algae! (barking "algae") Algae.
(sighs) Algae.
Algae.
(chuckles) Algae, algae.
- Algae.
Algae? - Algae.
Algae, Algae.
Algae! - Algae.
Algae.
(stressed) Al-gae! Algae, algae.
(crying) Algae! Algae! - Algae? (screams) (spanks) - Algae.
(cries) Algae.
(laughs) Parents: Algae.
- (passionately) Algae.
Algae.
(door opens) Algae? (gasps) (screams) Algae! Algae, algae! Algae! - Algae? (sadly) Algae.
(clears throat) Algae, algae.
Algae, algae.
- Algae.
Algae, algae.
Algae, algae.
Huh! Algae, algae? Algae, algae.
Algae, algae, algae.
(laughs) Algae, algae.
- Algae.
(chuckles) - Algae.
(sniffles) This is good shit.
What strain is this again? Uh, algae? W wait.
What? Uh, algae, algae.
But okay, if this is algae, and I'm algae, then everything is algae, and then nothing is algae, and nothing matters! Existence is futile! Life is meaningless! (laughs) Algae, algae.
Shut the fuck up! Algae! - Stop saying "algae"! Fucking think for once in your life! (laughing) Algae! Wake up, you fucking sheep! Mom, Dad! - Both: Algae? Am I alive? Do I matter? Algae, algae, algae.
No! Listen to yourselves! You're insane! Algae, algae! (gasps) You! Say something! Algae? Algae, algae, algae.
(screams) This isn't real! This is a test! There is no God! Others: Algae, algae.
Life is prison! Others: Algae, algae, algae I am insignificant.
My existence carries no weight.
I am ephemeral.
I am I am nothing.
(barking "algae") Could you get your fucking dog out of my Algae, algae, algae.
Oh.
Algae, algae.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
Algae, algae, algae.
(chuckles) A-algae, algae.
Algae.
- Algae.
Algae, algae.
- (chuckles) Algae, algae.
Algae, Algae.
A-algae? Algae, algae.
(chattering) (slurring) Lumpy, I swear to fucking God, I put the toilet seat down.
God! What, are you on your period or something? Listen to me, man.
Lumpy's not real, dude! It was a joke, Lumpy.
She's just a side effect of the pellets, man! Remember the sewers, dude! Remember your family! You're so sensitive.
Having freedom! - Freedom? What is he saying? Don't listen to him.
He's a gross little pervert.
Please eat.
I I don't know, Lumpy.
I mean, I sorta I remember tunnels.
You know what? You're thinking of the tube challenge.
The tube challenge? You know, the challenge with all the tubes and all the You're just mixed up, my darling.
You're all mixed up.
- All mixed up? Mm-hmm.
All mixed up with the tube challenge.
(slurs) "All Mixed Up"? "All Mixed Up.
" Fucking "All Mixed Up," dude.
311! That's it! (clears throat) Mike, Mike, Mike! Huh? - You've got to trust your instinct Mike, don't listen to him.
And let go of regret (emphatically) Eat the pill.
Mike, come back.
You've got to bet On yourself now, star Come back to my sexiness.
Have you forgotten our love? Come back and be with me, please.
'Cause that's your best bet (vocalizes music) - Lumpy: Come on! Both: All mixed up, you don't know what to do Next thing, you turn around and find the person is you Thought a freak might be the thing But the first could be the last So just get off of your ass Dude, 311! I know.
Right? Oh my God! So dope, that song.
Dude, I remember the sewers now.
- Exactly.
Right? Holy shit.
Wait, they kidnapped us.
What the fuck? Dude, let's fucking bail.
Yeah, no.
Fuck this.
Let's leave.
- Let's get the fuck outta here.
Mike.
Mikey.
Phil.
Philadelphia.
You'll die out there.
It's safe here.
You're leaving heaven.
You're leaving perfection.
You're telling me you don't want it? She's definitely not real.
No, she's not real at all.
I'm still the pill is still in my body I know.
so I'm still I'm seeing it too, actually.
Fine, you fucking sewer rats! (sizzling) Go back to where you belong! You'll burn, you fucking pieces of shit.
(high-pitched) Plague! You are a plague! (grunts, gasps) (whistles) Wow.
That was intense.
Yeah.
- I gotta say.
She really went for it at the end there.
She went very hard, very hard about it.
Wizard of Oz-y sort of thing.
Oh, that's what it was.
Yeah, she just melted.
Yeah.
It was like a Wizard of Oz thing.
Can you untie me and get me some water? Oh yeah, yeah, sorry.
What do you want? What did you say? Can you untie me and get me some water? Water.
Sorry, the water part I was gonna untie you.
I just didn't hear the water part.
Got it.
Water.
Hey, man.
Sorry for what happened there before with me stealing Lumpy from you and everything.
You know what? It's totally fine, dude.
Now that we both realize she was a figment of both of our imaginations, I willed that into existence as well.
I'm just glad we can be cool.
Yeah, I know.
Bros.
Bros.
(chuckles) - So sick.
(both snap fingers) (grunts) So, this situation.
How do we get outta here? Umm okay, here's a pitch.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll sneak through these bars since I'm super skinny - Uh-huh.
and I'll unlock it.
And then, Mike, (door squeaks open) since you're good at mazes, you can navigate us (footsteps) through air-conditioning units or whatever.
We'll just fucking like (mimics kicking) And then we'll just like, "Whoa!" down some fucking slide or some shit.
Then some guy will try to fucking stop us.
(whistle tweets) (coughs) And we fucking just swung across this huge cavern with some floss or whatever.
It was like, "Skloosh!" Slide into first, safe, dude.
Two runs in, dude.
(laughs) (cheering) - Reporter: Wait, hold up.
You mean to tell me that all that just worked? You just escaped? Uh - Uh, yeah.
I mean, basically just like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Easy-peasy.
(chuckles) Seems like you're skipping over a lot of details.
Listen, dude, he just told you.
(chuckles) Fucking (mimics kick) and then it was all like (whooshes) The whoosh, right? And I was like, "Whoa!" And then the guy was like Did you not hear what Phil said? Am I not speaking English? You guys need to hear this twice? You guys need to hear this again? Jesus Christ.
Fine, fine.
Back to this Lumpy character.
You mean to tell me she was made up of sawdust, chewed up food, and your own feces? Yes, sir, that is correct, but Mike and I like to think of it It's on the inside what counts, you know? Which technically, for her, would be just more fecal matter and shit.
It helped her stick together, just so that's clear.
Yeah.
Last question.
Rumors are flying.
Did either of you two ever find yourself in an intimate embrace with Lumpy, the shit-pile sawdust woman? Hmm.
How do you mean? Did you ever fuck a lump of your own shit? Both: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Actually, funny enough, she only did butt stuff to me.
That's interesting.
For me, she only held me like a baby, sang to me, and brushed my hair.
That sorta stuff.
Mm-hmm.
Ah.
Interesting.
So, hmm, that's interesting.
Mom: Okay, maybe that's enough questions for now.
We're all very tired.
(cheering) Can you two shake each other's hands so I can take a black and white photo with a flashbulb? I don't see why not? Phil: Yeah, sure.
If you can imagine, it'll be right on the cover of the newspaper.
Uh-uh, don't smile.
(flash poofs) Reporter: Pssh! And here it spins.
(rat coughs) Reporter: Any second now.
Hmm.
I don't know Oh, there it is.
Ah.
Feels good to be home, huh? It feels good, man.
It feels good to be on the air.
Well, in New York City air.
Safe and sound.
(train rattles) (ominous music playing) (coughing) (speaks indiscernibly) (speaks indiscernibly) (hip-hop music playing) (cheering) Ice-T: Animals, we back at it First episode, we in with the credits Fleas on the monkey got me feeling kinda funky Who's messing with my head? It must be Lumpy Do the Lumpy now, rip your arm off Scream out loud! Scream out loud Do the Lumpy now, rip your arm off Scream out loud! Scream out loud What's in store for season two? Dr.
Labcoat's a shady dude Who's gonna show up? Will the rats ever grow up? Put your dancing shoes on, it's time to blow up New York City.
- (people whooping) Let me hear it again! - Man: Algae! (all chanting) Algae, Algae, Algae! Algae, algae, algae! Algae, algae! Ice-T: Algae, baby.
Phil: All right, I'm gonna go now.
Lemme go.
I'm gonna split.
Man: Oh yeah! Check.
Oh.
- Phil: What? Okay, how much time do we have? Mike: What happened? It's almost over.
You go, you go.
No, you go.
Do it.
- No, I can't.
Well, now you're putting the pressure on me.
Well, now it's almost over.
It's basically over.
I can't.
I told you - Just go.
We should've written it.
(sighs) Is Iced-T still here? Is he still here? Oh my God.
- He left but Okay, well, now the vanity cards are up and it's over.
(Soft instrumental music)