Animaniacs (2020) s02e01 Episode Script

theme song playing ♪
‐ It's time for Animaniacs! ♪
And we're zany to the max ♪
So just sit back and relax ♪
You'll laugh till you collapse ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
‐ Come join the Warner Brothers ♪
‐ And the Warner Sister Dot ♪
Just for fun, we run around
the Warner movie lot ♪
They lock us in the tower
whenever we get caught ♪
But we break loose and then vamoose
and now you know the plot ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪
Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
Our careers have made comebacks ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
Meet Pinky and the Brain
who want to rule the universe ♪
A brand new cast who tested well
in focus group research ♪
Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪
And ethnically diverse ♪
The trolls will say we're so passé,
but we did meta first ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
You should see our new contracts ♪
We're zany to the max,
there's baloney in our slacks ♪
We're animan‐ey, totally insane‐y ♪
Back again‐y ♪
Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪
♪
♪
YAKKUS:
T‐togas!
Show the folks back home
you've been to Rome
by wearing a T‐toga!
‐ Scrolls to famous Senators' houses!
‐ Pompeiian volcanic ash globes!
Each globe contains
genuine mummified citizen!
[screaming]
‐ Ah!
[straining]
‐ Actually, that's an anachronism.
Mount Vesuvius doesn't erupt until 79 AD,
another 11 years from now.
[glass shatters]
Lazy writing!
‐ [sighs] Do you guys think
opening a souvenir stall
in an age where tourism doesn't
exist might've been a mistake?
‐ Quiet! The news is on!
‐ [clears throat] Citizens!
By hand of the Emperor Nero,
here follows the news!
General Corbulo has quelled
the uprising in Britannia!
Brexeunt has been defeated!
[applause, cheering]
And finally, Nero announces
a glorious increase in taxation
to fund the building of Hadrian's Wall.
Verily together, we shall keep
the barbarians out.
WAKKUS:
Hey, no fair!
Nero said he'd make
the Caledonians pay for that wall.
‐ This is an outrage!
[grumbling]
‐ Praetorians! Seize the dissenters!
♪
DOTTINA:
Ralphus?
That's who you got to do your dirty work?
‐ Is he wearing a cape?
[Warneruses laughing]
[Ralphus mumbles sadly]
♪
‐ You know, I've always thought that
capes were very slimming. [nervous laugh]
[fiddling]
[crowd chatter]
‐ Aurelia Severus,
the Gaul Fleet Journal.
Many are claiming that the Senate shutdown
is merely a stunt to distract
from your plummeting approval rating.
‐ Fraudulent heralding. Next.
‐ Pompus Acostus, Times New Roman.
‐ Who keeps letting this guy in?
[fiddling]
‐ How do you respond to the allegations
you've accepted bribes from the Thracians?
‐ Tremendous tribespeople,
the Thracians. Good people.
Also, I'm feeding you to the lions.
[whimpering]
‐ Actually, the fiddle won't be invented
for another 800 years.
You should be playing the lyre.
This episode is barely watchable.
[angry grumbling]
‐ You know what?
I declare you all enemies of the people.
Guards!
[crowd gasps]
[screaming]
[slam]
RALPHUS:
Duh, Mr. De Niro!
These three won't pay their taxes!
‐ What!? This is an affront to‐‐ Wait.
Are they members of
an ultra‐rich ruling family?
‐ Uh, no.
‐ This is an affront to me,
the Emperor himself!
‐ You're the Emperor?
You look taller in the statues.
‐ Is that your real hair?
‐ Are those your real hands?
♪
‐ Yes. Now‐‐
Ah! Get off!
Yes, I am the great Nero!
I have royal blood on both sides!
Both sides, loyal subjects. You see
playing "Major‐General's Song" ♪
I am the very model of
an ancient Roman Emperor ♪
I overspend and overtax
and overthrow my treasurer ♪
I marry family members from
my cousin to my step‐sister ♪
I'm always right, I'm never wrong,
just ask this neutral Senator ♪
‐ Th‐that is correct.
‐ Through sound investigation
by Praetorian inquisitors ♪
My mother and my brother
were revealed to be conspirators ♪
But Mother dear's no longer here,
this bust helps me remember her ♪
I am the very model of
an ancient Roman Emperor ♪
‐ He fiddles while the city burns,
he rules with fear tyrannical ♪
‐ He's lazy, brutish, and ill‐willed,
he thinks that he's infallible ♪
‐ His hands are small,
he steals from Gaul,
his writing's ungrammatical ♪
WARNERUSES:
He's making Roma great again,
dogmatic, and fantastical ♪
He's gormless and irascible,
tragic and autocratical ♪
Maniacal and radical,
positions problematical ♪
Takes endless golf sabbaticals,
his tweets are unsyntactical ♪
‐ Um, we're still talking
about Nero, right?
‐ He's a narcissist, a petulant,
unscrupulous embezzler ♪
He is the very model of
an ancient Roman Emperor ♪
[growling]
‐ You know? I'm starting to
think he didn't like our verse.
[roaring]
‐ Eh. I liked your original
version better anyhow.
‐ Citizens of Rome!
Nero is pleased to bring you
today's sacrif‐‐ Um,
I mean entirely fair battle!
‐ I hold the best games.
Billions of citizens gaze
upon my games in wonder.
More than Emperor Caligula.
Plaice faith in my words, subjects,
for they speak of the truth.
Let the games begin!
[crowd cheering]
[growling, snarling]
[roaring]
[meows]
‐ I guess I'm just a cat person.
[meowing]
[yelling]
[tigers roaring]
‐ Help! Somebody!
Grab these pussy
‐ Good night, everybody!
‐ cats! Ow!
[meowing]
[coughs]
‐ Are you not entertained?
[cheering]
‐ [grunts] Release the barbarians!
‐ Your Emperor gives you
the barbarian horde!
[guttural growl]
[as Schwarzenegger]
Portrayals of Germanic peoples
have been problematic for centuries!
Yaaaaaaaargggh!!!
[horde roaring]
I'll hurt you now!
‐ I got this one, sibs.
[dialing]
Y'ello, Universal Legal Department?
That's right.
Okay, I'm receiving your fax now.
[dial‐up modem connects]
I have here a DMCA takedown notice
demanding this unauthorized parody
of Conan The Barbarian
be removed
from this episode immediately.
‐ Ah, let me peruse.
♪
[sighs] It's watertight.
[disappointed grumbling]
‐ [growls] Release everything!
‐ Your Emperor proudly presents
the gladiators of Carthage!
♪
The gladiators of America!
♪
And undisputed SPQR
Greco‐Roman wrestling champ,
John Cena!
hip hop music playing ♪
[fireworks popping, crowd cheering]
♪
[hawk screeches]
‐ Actually, I'm taking a break
from wrestling to try my comedy chops.
[clears throat]
Roman walks into an inn,
holds up two fingers and says,
"Give me five wines." Get it?
[quiet coughing]
What, no good?
‐ Stay in thy lane, fiend!
‐ Agreed! Less stand‐up, more smackdown!
[crowd cheering]
‐ Huh? Huh?
‐ Huh?
‐ You know, there's more to my
character than just eating stuff.
♪
Oh, fine.
JOHN CENA: Ah!
[rumbling]
[spitting]
[precarious groaning]
So, this Medusa broad has
got to stop objectifying people.
Am I right?
[crash]
[crowd cheering]
[elephant bellows]
CROWD:
Warneruses! Warneruses!
Warneruses!
‐ Actually, Warnerus is
a second declension noun.
So, the plural for the nominative
case would be Warner‐‐
[screaming]
[tigers roar]
[crowd cheering]
CROWD: Warneruses! Warneruses! Warneruses!
‐ Huh? Wha? [growls]
♪
‐ Aw, sweetie.
It's low heat when you're
tumble drying plate mail.
‐ [grunts] My battle armor still fits.
I have an astonishingly excellent figure.
‐ Let's just agree on astonishing.
♪
‐ Ooh! Sword fight!
‐ About time! This tent‐pole sketch
needs an elaborate action set piece.
‐ Those are very fair swords.
I'm very fair.
Most benevolent and generous.
I speak with veracity.
[klaxon horn blows]
This is very easy for me. I'm very nimble.
Tremendously nimble.
So accurate are my words,
place confidence in them.
[straining]
♪
Oh, uh, rotate your hips through impact.
I'm qualified to give this advice
as I'm an excellent golfer.
The best. Entrust in me your belief.
‐ Hey, thanks!
‐ Verily!
[crowd cheering]
[smash]
[groans]
♪
Exile. Not so bad, exile.
Plenty of time to fiddle.
[fiddling]
[fiddling continues]
Gather round, loyal subjects.
Don't we have a tremendous island here?
Much better than the other islands.
Ah!
Ee! Ow! Oh! Ow!
Treachery! Treason!
Insurrection! Impeachment!
[thunder]
Pinky & The Brain theme song ♪
[wheel creaking]
‐ Gee, Brain,
what do you wanna do tonight?
BRAIN:
The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
[thunder]
♪
‐ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪
One is a genius ♪
The other's insane ♪
They're laboratory mice ♪
Their genes have been spliced ♪
They're dinky,
they're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪
♪
♪
‐ Aw, he's so cute!
Aw!
[scribbling]
Huh. That's odd.
I thought I wore my engagement ring
to work today.
[door shuts]
‐ Finally!
♪
Bleh
[ring clatters]
♪
[beep]
Come, Pinky. This diamond should
be enough to initiate my plan.
Pinky?
[laughing]
Tell me you're not still watching
that ridiculous cartoon.
‐ [laughing] Oh, but Brain,
these Backwards Gary videos
are my absolute favoritest thing
on the whole "intrenet"! [laughs]
‐ It's internet!
‐ Whose net?
‐ He'll brighten your day,
face the wrong way ♪
Backwards Gary's here to stay! ♪
Backwards Gary, he is here to stay ♪
[footsteps]
[footsteps]
‐ Um, hello?
[screaming]
Ah!
Ah!
[screaming continues]
[crash]
[laughing]
Ah!
‐ I don't understand the appeal
of these silly webisodes.
It seems to me like a bunch
of incessant screaming.
‐ Exactly. Funny screaming.
‐ No, it is not. Now, turn that off!
We have work to do.
[straining]
Using the crystalline carbon
structure of a diamond,
I have invented a new
form of teleportation.
Unfortunately, only a diamond
of perfect clarity is capable of powering
the machine more than a single time.
[inhale]
♪
Which is why you and I must use this
and travel to the Smithsonian
to steal the Hope Diamond.
Such a magnificent jewel would turn
my humble device from a novelty of science
into a mighty weapon!
Pinky, are you listening to me?
[screaming]
[laughing]
You've had enough screen time.
To the Smithsonian!
[beeping, hissing]
[groaning]
Pinky, when's the last time you bathed?
‐ Ooh! Stinky Pinky, huh, Brain?
It's Stinky, Stinky and the Brain! ♪
‐ Lucky for me, we'll only be
in such close proximity
for a few horrible moments.
[screaming]
Ah!
‐ Narf!
[zap]
♪
[screaming]
GARY:
Ah!
[screaming]
[screaming]
[screaming]
[screaming]
♪
[zap]
[clang]
‐ Zort! Ow.
You know,
traveling in that thing is pretty neat,
but the Wi‐Fi was a little spotty.
Also, I didn't love that one part
where I was in agonizing pain
because my body was being
torn into a million pieces.
Was it supposed to feel like that, Brain?
Say, Brain? Brain, where are you?
‐ Where are you? I'm right here.
‐ Where? Where is whe‐‐ Where? Where?
‐ On no. It can't be.
I'm back here
on your back!
‐ Egad! We're stuck together!
Ooh! What fun.
What should our new name be?
How about Brinky?
Or Prain?
‐ Gah! I don't understand
how this could've happened.
Perhaps there was a malfunction
in the signal interceptor,
or the entangled photons
GARY: Ah!
Ah!
‐ Can you please be quiet, Brain?
I'm trying to watch my show.
‐ Ow!
‐ Ow!
‐ You fool. Don't you see?
The teleporter merged the data stream
from your stupid show,
and scrambled our bio signatures!
Narf! Narf!
‐ Narf!
‐ Oh no. Our neural pathways
are already intermingling.
If you and I don't get
back to the lab soon,
my worst nightmare will be realized,
and we'll be fused together forever!
‐ I shall do whatever it
takes to fix this, Brain.
Very quickly and‐‐ Ooh, look!
A 4D‐MAX movie about the forest floor!
Ah! [grunts]
‐ No, Pinky. If we have any hope
of separating ourselves,
we must retrieve the Hope Diamond
to get the teleporter working again!
Come!
Pinky, move.
No, the other way.
PINKY: Righto!
♪
‐ Keep going. Keep going.
[bang]
[muffled] Stop.
There it is, Pinky.
The Hope Diamond.
Now, to retrieve the diamond
without being noticed.
We must carefully and slowly
Whoa! Ah!
PINKY: Whee!
[clang, alarm blaring]
BRAIN:
Egad! I mean,
Pinky, you heedless half‐wit.
Now, I must execute my backup plan!
‐ Oh? What's that, Brain?
‐ Backing up!
[glass shattering]
‐ Ow!
MUSEUM GUARD:
Oh no. Oh, please don't run.
I've been meaning to work out,
but then I went on a cruise
and injured my knee
in a corn‐eating contest.
‐ Run, Pinky!
[laughs]
♪
[sighs]
BRAIN:
Left! Go left! No,
my left, your right!
‐ I I am? Oh, Brain!
You've never said that to me!
‐ What?
‐ Give me a hug, you wonderful mouse!
BRAIN:
What are you doing? Just jump!
‐ Isn't this‐‐ Ah!
[both groaning]
[groaning continues]
‐ [grunts] Narf! [groans]
Oh, we need to talk about
your fear of intimacy.
All I asked for was a hug, Brain.
Brain?
[clatter]
[gasps] Oh, look who's
having a little nap. Hm!
Okay, what would Brain
tell me to do in this situation?
[sizzling]
♪
‐ Pinky? What happened?
[chewing, humming]
‐ Mm? Oh! You're awake. [gulps]
Well, first, I went to buy a hot dog,
but then I found this
one in the trash. Ah
[chewing]
[vomiting]
But I still had the diamond
burning a hole in my pocket,
so I decided to get
a soft pretzel instead.
‐ Oh! Soft pretzels!
I love how soft they are!
‐ Exactly. But,
the pretzel vendor is cash only,
so I came here to get money.
‐ Brilliant, Pinky!
We can trade the diamond in for a pen.
And with that pen, we can write
a letter to Santa Claus,
and he can help us open
a checking account!
‐ But, it will need to be
a joint checking account, right?
[maniacal laughter]
[laughter]
‐ Oh no.
My brain sticks are getting floppy.
[grunts] I mean, my neurological pathways
are being overtaken by yours.
I have to regain control!
[grunts]
‐ Oh!
BRAIN:
Whoa! [grunts]
♪
[gasps]
Hey, that's my stolen diamond! [grunts]
[straining]
[struggling]
‐ Ow!
‐ Quickly, Pinky.
If we have any hope of separating,
you must follow that man!
‐ That man!
‐ No, Pinky!
[Pinky groaning]
♪
[grunts]
‐ Oh boy.
I can't believe I got a whole genuine
Warren G. Harding $40 bill
for that diamond.
‐ [panting] Brain?
♪
Zort! There it is!
[twang]
‐ Focus, Pinky. The diamond is over there.
‐ Ooh!
Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
‐ I think so, Pinky, but can
a relationship with a puppet ever be
BOTH:
No strings attached?
[both laugh]
[banging]
[laughter continues]
‐ Listen carefully, Pinky,
before my mid‐frontal cortex
turns to pudding.
BOTH:
Ooh! Pudding!
‐ [shaking] No! No!
We must construct
a teleporter to take us back through
the same hole in spacetime
we traveled through before.
Crack open that thing over
there that's all glowed up.
‐ You mean this neon sign?
‐ Uh, yes.
Yes, right. That thing.
[grunts]
[straining]
[screaming]
♪
Excellent. Now, we need tungsten
from those Faulex watches.
‐ Oh! To do the thing
with the things?
‐ Exactly!
[grunts]
[whirring, zap]
Finally!
We need something resembling
a reflector dish to
you know, reflect it.
‐ Oh! How about this!
‐ Egad, perfect!
Turn the plate so the beam
boinks until it blunks!
‐ Huh?
[both screaming]
[panting]
[grunts]
[zap]
‐ Just one last thing.
[as Pinky]:
Ooh! A shiny!
‐ You know, Brain, for the first time,
I feel like we truly
understand each other.
‐ [normal accent]:
Right back at you, Plompers!
[zap, whirring]
♪
‐ Ah!
‐ Now, jump!
[both yelling]
[zapping]
[grunting]
We did it. Our consciousnesses
have been uncoupled,
and our physical forms appear unscathed.
‐ Are you still pondering
what I'm pondering?
‐ Thankfully no.
Come, Pinky.
We must prepare for tomorrow night.
‐ Why, Brain? What are we
gonna do tomorrow night?
‐ The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
[Gary screaming]
‐ Now, it's time for Wakko's short shorts.
♪
[beeping]
‐ Whaddya you got there, baby bro?
‐ It's only the top‐selling,
highest‐dopamine‐releasing,
biggest and best squad‐based MMO,
PVP game ever!
"Two Weeks II: Twotal Twomoil"!
‐ [chuckles] Kids.
[movie playing on TV]
[beeping]
‐ Come on, come on.
game music playing ♪
[groans]
music continues ♪
[beeping]
[growls]
[beeping]
[gasp]
game music playing ♪
[grumbling]
[beeping]
[groans]
♪
[beeping]
[groaning]
Come on
[beeping]
musical score plays on TV ♪
‐ That extended director's cut of Gandhi
really picked up steam
in the seventh hour.
[yawns] Well, good night, baby bro.
Don't have too much fun.
[beeping]
video game music playing ♪
[gasps]
[beep]
[groans]
[beeping]
[growls]
[beeping]
[crickets chirping]
♪
[panting]
‐ "Hereby declaring your
firstborn the legal property
of the software provider in perpetuity"?
Oh, that's fine.
We can't have children anyway.
We're like mules.
video game music playing ♪
[rumbling]
[beeping]
Ah!
♪
[beeping]
[wind blowing]
♪
[bell ring]
How's it looking, Dr. Bonezo?
‐ 'Tis close, young Wakko!
I can feel it in my bones!
♪
[beeping]
[beep]
[laughing]
‐ It's done! It's finally done!
video game music playing ♪
♪
Ooh! Pug Archer! I heard there's a level
where you get your head
stuck in a potato chip bag,
and then freak out
and throw up in a plant!
♪
[beeping]
[explosion]
♪
♪