Arab Maklum (2023) s02e01 Episode Script

1
Mahmud!
Stop shouting!
Shut up!
Damn it!
Hey!
Astagfirullahaladzim, Umi.
Why are you screaming?
It's embarrassing in front of others!
Hey!
What are you doing?
Why were you alone
with a foreign girl, huh?
Which foreign girl?
There's no foreign girl here.
The one at the beach!
You even massaged her.
She's not your wife!
That's so inappropriate, you know!
I swear to God, that never happened!
When did I massage her?
In my dream!
That's called cheating!
Ya Allah, it was just a dream.
Huh? Just a dream, you say?
Instead of apologizing,
you're picking a fight.
I clearly saw you
alone with a foreign girl
giving each other massages!
Umi, if it's only in a dream,
it doesn't count as cheating.
Oh, really?
It's cheating, Aba!
Okay?
Are you still going to make excuses?
No, but
-But?!
-It was just a dream.
Just a dream?!
-Stop it, Id!
-What's the problem?
Your medicated oil, Id.
Oh my goodness! You've been
using it since we got on the bus.
-What's the matter?
-You
The smell, Id.
It's like I'm on an intercity bus.
Well, this is an intercity bus, Burhan.
This is a public bus, you know.
You're so weird.
Mahmud is the weird one.
Why is it me?
Besides, why are we using a public bus?
Why not a rented one or something?
I wonder why.
Han, when we arrive,
give me a back rub, okay?
You're terrible!
Absolutely terrible.
You catch a cold on the way, and
once we're there, you ask for a back rub.
We're going to Bali, Id.
To Bali, you know?
Don't be such a bumpkin.
The sea breeze in Bali is strong.
If you get sick like this now,
it'll only worsen when you get there!
Besides, it's more comfortable
to travel by plane, you know.
There's no motion sickness in the air.
There are flight attendants
who are pleasant to look at.
But now, it's your face that
I have to see all the time!
Have you ever been on a plane before?
Not yet, actually.
You went as far as talking about
the good-looking flight attendants.
If that happened, those flight attendants
wouldn't be able to bear
looking at you either!
Besides, you didn't even check
the tour package properly.
You just blindly accepted it.
Geez Hey!
It's Ahlan Tour! It belongs to Mahmud.
How could I be suspicious?
Well, the promotion was all about
"executive," "exclusive."
They used fancy words and everything.
In the end, it's all about rich people,
but what kind of rich people?
Rich people my foot.
We ended up taking a public bus.
Whatever!
I've been suspicious from the start
because the price was so cheap.
Well, I wasn't suspicious at all.
That's because
you haven't paid in full yet!
Hey, shh.
Id, shut up!
That's embarrassing!
Why bring that up?
So annoying.
-Burhan hasn't paid in full yet!
-Hey!
He's lying!
What's with him?
-That's a lie, I already paid for it!
-Just tell me. I like to have fun.
Do you know why, Sa?
Since I was little, people have kept
promising me a trip to Bali.
"Nab, tomorrow we'll go to Bali!"
That's what Mom always said.
But what happened?
We never made it to Bali.
Only now, when I'm this old,
do I finally get to go to Bali.
Gosh, I'm so annoyed.
What's going on? Hey, hey!
What are you doing?
You seem so uninterested
in your aunt's story.
What's up with you? We've only
traveled from Jakarta to Bali,
but your ears seem like
they're clogged already, huh?
Your fingers keep tapping!
You're so restless with your fingers!
No, Auntie, I was just replying
to a friend who's also in Bali.
Just stop replying!
I want to talk. It's like you
don't even know your aunt.
If I don't speak, it feels suffocating,
like not eating.
It's annoying.
Fine, I won't talk anymore!
You don't need to listen!
Don't be like that.
-Forget it!
-Go ahead, tell your story, Auntie.
-Are you really willing to listen?
-Hmm, yes.
Back in my college days, Sa
Allahu Akbar!
HELLO BALI
So, you're the one
handling all the itineraries.
-All right?
-Got it.
Remember, the participants range
from young people to the elderly.
And most importantly,
no additional budget.
-Oh, I got that covered.
-Good.
Hey, but before we start,
I have a question.
-What's that?
-What exactly is an itinerary?
Seriously? You work in travel stuff.
You should know that already.
But it's okay.
Simply put, it's the plan
for where we're going.
-Oh, my bad.
-Huh?
An itinerary is the travel plan.
So, where are we going?
Are we heading to natural places,
or looking for Instagrammable spots
for good photos?
Just nature, stuff that's budget-friendly.
See? Nature. I knew it.
Do you prefer beaches,
mountains, or lakes?
Since we're in Bali, mostly beaches.
That's what I thought, beaches.
Do you want big waves,
medium ones, or gentle waves?
You keep asking.
Just go for the good ones!
All right, if we want the best,
then big waves it is.
Fine, big waves it is.
But if someone gets carried away by the
waves, you're responsible, okay?
What? Why me?
You're the one giving the options!
Okay, let's go for the smaller waves.
How many centimeters for the smaller ones?
-Huh?
-This is 10 cm.
Here's 10 cm. Try holding this.
Now, step back a bit.
Here, this much.
Whatever, it's up to you anyway!
Whether it's 10 cm, 5 cm, 2 mm,
or whatever you want, I've already said
The guests have arrived!
-You keep complaining. It's annoying.
-It's so far.
Let's get ready!
You're so weak as a man!
Let's put this on for them.
Acting weak? That's you!
-I was not!
-You're bothered even by some oil.
-You're the weak one.
-Isn't that the Ustad?
-Using medicated oil
-No, that's not him.
From the street to here,
you've been complaining about being tired.
It's like you're not even living as a man.
Id, I swear, I'll punch you!
So annoying!
Welcome, everyone!
Hey, Seng. Welcome, you say?
What's wrong with you, Seng?
Why did we end up taking the bus?
We were supposed to take a plane!
I'm so tired! My back hurts all over!
Don't blame me,
Mahmud already agreed to it.
Astagfirullah, Mahmud!
So, this was your idea, huh?
I just thought that
it would be cheaper, Umi.
Cheaper, you say? You're the cheap one!
Your stinginess never goes away.
Always finding excuses!
You realize you're acting like
the pharaoh of Egypt, right?
Seng, what happened?
Weren't we supposed to take a private bus?
Well, you asked for a discount.
Plus, public buses usually don't
drop you off right at the villa.
They drop you off at the terminal.
Would you be okay with that? It's too far!
What's the difference?
We already walked too far to get here.
We had to carry bags. Suitcases.
They're heavy, you know!
-Huh?
-Oh, weak.
All right, let me introduce our tour guide
for our time in Bali.
"Alan."
Yeah, Alan.
My name is Robert, not "Alan."
Who just said Alan then? Wasn't it you?
"Alan" is Arabic for "hello."
Ahlan!
-Huh!
-I'm annoyed!
-Let's just go inside.
-Hold on.
What's going on here?
Why am I given flowers first? Huh?
Am I a corpse or something?
Come on, eat, drink.
There are welcome drinks.
What are these flowers for anyway?
WELCOME, MR. MAHMUD AND GROUP
-I have a bad feeling about this.
-Why?
Koh Aseng, why is there
a Christmas tree here?
Maybe the owner is Christian.
I mean, why would a Buddhist
have a Christmas tree?
Let's all gather around!
Come on, gather around!
What's going on here?
FLOOR PLAN
Burhan?
Are we going on vacation
or house shopping?
Maybe it's just a side business for him.
He could just be offering it
to see if anyone's interested.
Do you want to buy it?
Do I even have money?
Welcome, gentlemen, ladies,
brothers, sisters, everyone!
How's everyone doing today?
Awesome. Yes, yes, yes!
Wow, calm down!
This isn't MLM. Yes, yes, yes.
What's this about, Sa?
What's written there?
Someone was whispering,
but it was loud enough to hear!
Don't worry, everything will be explained
by the agent from Ahlan Tour.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the layout of this villa,
all right?
As we can see,
there is a swimming pool, a kitchen,
a living room, and also a backyard.
Now, I will discuss the room sharing.
Burhan, Said!
Yeah, just a second.
Get in position!
All right.
How did he do it?
Ouch!
Why does he keep holding on to this?
What are you doing?
You're moving back and forth like an iron!
-Don't you feel something is strange?
-Yeah, it's strange.
We're just confused about
how he could change that way.
What's behind this?
Okay, I said the first bit earlier,
so I don't need to repeat it.
-I'm going to start
-Maybe there's a ghost here?
-Okay.
-It could be a vampire.
-As I said earlier
-It's a vampire. Come on, he's Chinese.
Hey! Hey!
As I said earlier,
I don't need to repeat myself, okay?
I'm going to assign you rooms.
First. This is where we are now.
The living room.
And this is the front door
where we entered earlier.
If we all want to go out,
we can go through here, right?
Okay?
-It's the same, right?
-Hey. Please listen while I'm speaking.
He's the one talking.
If any of you suddenly go missing
and cannot be found,
Ahlan Tour will not be responsible.
Okay? So, please listen.
How big is this villa anyway?
I thought it was just small.
-Okay?
-How big is this house anyway?
Let's see.
This room is for Syakila and Jenab.
Oh my!
Is this room for me and Sasa?
That's right.
-Ya Allah, it's gorgeous!
-It's really nice, Auntie.
The sheets are so nice!
I don't want to mess it up!
Sa, look at the view!
-The view is really good.
-It's so green.
Where's the bathroom?
-The bathroom? Oh, it's right here.
-It's right in the room as well?
Yes, it's right here.
-We don't need to go out?
-See? Here it is.
It blends in so well with the wood.
Where's the door?
-It's like you can't see the door, right?
-Yes.
-But here is the door.
-Oh, this is the door?
Yeah, just slide it. Try it.
Wow, it slides easily!
This is awesome, Seng.
Seng, is that for washing hands or what?
-Yeah.
-Wow, the bathtub stone is huge.
I'm going to take a dip here!
It's gonna be so refreshing
to take a dip, Ya Allah!
This is amazing, Seng!
Huh? Wait, why is it?
-Is this really the bathroom?
-Yes.
Well, it's so bright. There's
There's no roof, you know?
-Well, that's the concept.
-Huh? Concept?
-Yeah, it's an open concept.
-Open?
-Bathing with an open roof.
-Bathing
So you can see the stars, clouds, birds.
Oh, okay. How do I shower here?
-How do I do it?
-Huh?
The roof is open, so how do I shower?
I'll feel embarrassed.
-Well
-I'm too embarrassed.
Why are you embarrassed?
Just use the water. Why be embarrassed?
Are you ashamed of water or something?
Don't you shower with water?
Astagfirullahaladzim, Seng!
How could you not think of me?
What about my modesty?!
If I shower here with no roof,
people could see me!
What were you thinking?!
Come on, really?
Are people going to be flying up there?
It's possible. What if a plane passes by?
Everyone on the plane will see me!
And there are so many planes!
I'm embarrassed. No way!
I don't want it!
How could I face it? Huh?
-So what do you want me to do?
-I don't like this!
I want you to make a roof here!
I can't do that, Jenab!
Everywhere in Bali,
bathrooms are like that.
You're being too picky!
Yeah, it's such a hassle.
Come on, just bear with it, okay?
We're really stuck here.
I don't think I'm complaining
about anything.
What's the difference between bathrooms in
Bali and elsewhere? What do you mean?
All right, let's move on
to Burhan and Said's room.
Which room is ours, Seng?
-Huh?
-Which room?
This one.
-Huh?
-So where do we sleep?
What?
You can sleep like this or like this
or this way.
You're free to sleep however you like!
You're unbelievable, Seng!
-What about the bathroom?
-The bathroom?
Well, it's over there.
See? There's the pool.
You can bathe in front of the pool.
-Oh, I get it. Isn't that the sea?
-Yeah.
You mean we can bathe in the sea?
You can.
I get that I can, Seng.
But the problem is,
if we bathe in the sea with dirty bodies,
won't we just end up feeling stickier?
-Well, it's up to you.
-Geez!
But, Han, if we bathe in the sea,
we can enjoy a nice view.
Exactly!
You dummy!
If we bathe in the sea,
it's not just about enjoying the view.
We also become the view.
Do you want Mahmud to see you bathing?
-Sure.
-Hey!
Why not?
Whatever!
So what's the point of
having toys scattered like this?
Why are there kids' toys here?
These toys are for
So we don't get bored.
It's nice to play around.
There are toy ships and all, it's great.
What are those glasses? Oh my God!
Whatever! I just want to switch rooms!
How do we get those people
to switch with us?
-Agreed!
-We can't do that!
This is the only room available.
Yes, we can!
It's up to you how, just figure it out!
Either you ask others to switch,
or you make a new room for us.
-Agreed!
-Agreed, you say?
You talk too much!
You haven't even paid in full yet.
What's his problem?
Maybe he's possessed.
-Possessed?
-Yeah.
-Oh, right, he's a vampire!
-Exactly.
Vampire, you know?
Vampire.
Okay, uh next is Mahmud and Laela's room.
ROOM 2
Oh no! Not that one!
It's this one.
ROOM 4
Wow!
It's nice, isn't it?
It's perfect for newlyweds.
And it's already decorated.
The atmosphere is just right
for adding another one to the family.
Aba.
The swans are dating here!
They're not. They're mating!
How do you even know that?
Well, I know. Mahmud taught me.
Seng, whose room is the last one?
Okay, we already know each other's rooms.
Now, let's get ready
because we're going to the beach.
I don't want to go to
the beach, I want to relax.
My body hurts from
sitting too long on the bus. I'm tired.
Yeah, I'm not going either,
I want to rest. My back hurts all over!
Let's go.
Sasa.
If you want to go later,
go by yourself, okay?
I'm not going either, Umi.
I want to go with Kimberly.
Sasa, this isn't like Condet where you can
just hop on a motorbike taxi.
We're in Bali now.
How are you going to meet
someone in Jakarta?
Kimberly is also in Bali, Umi.
Kim's family lives in Bali.
Ya Allah!
Why is that girl like an ATM?
She's everywhere!
Aba, can we please find a place
next time for a vacation
where Kim's family isn't there?
Mud, hurry up and get ready.
We're going to the beach.
Aba, do you want to go there?
Have you made the video?
I'm Mahmud, Laela's husband.
I'm here to clarify and apologize
for being alone with
a non-mahram woman at the beach.
Even though it was all
just in my wife's dream,
according to my wife,
it was a fatal mistake.
I promise. I won't do it again.
Once again, I want to apologize
from the bottom of my heart
without any coercion from anyone.
Sincerely, Mahmud.
Umi,
I've made the clarification video,
so can I go to the beach now?
Aba.
I'm still afraid my dream will come true.
But that was just a dream.
Dreams and reality are different.
You dream of being slim,
but it never becomes a reality.
Hey, that's a metaphorical dream,
but this time it's literal.
I just dreamed about it,
and suddenly you want to go to the beach,
so it could be a sign or a warning.
So, I'm worried.
Therefore, I think
that for the next few days,
you should avoid going to the beach.
Umi, this is Bali.
Beaches are everywhere here.
If we don't want to go to the beach,
we might as well not go out at all.
Let's just go on a pilgrimage.
Let's visit Al-Hawi,
Habib Kuncung, Luar Batang,
and finally, how about going to the pond?
All right then.
I'll allow you to go to the beach.
Alhamdulillah.
Thank you, Umi.
Alhamdulillah, I can go to the beach!
Going to the beach!
Which outfit should I wear?
Geez, it's weird wearing this one.
Do I have any others?
Nice!
Hey! Hey!
This is what makes me feel uneasy!
Are you planning to charm someone?
Charm who? Dolphins?
Hey, don't bring up your family!
What do you mean by wearing a cool outfit?
How about this?
You can go to the beach
but I will choose your outfit.
But
Shut up. No more talking.
Ya Allah, Mahmud.
For the sake of righteousness,
my lord, where are you going?
To a religious lecture?
Hey, don't say that!
Seng, look at your friend here!
What do you think? Any comments?
Nah, I'll just watch.
It's funny seeing Arabs joke around.
Why? Are you afraid to comment?
Well, yeah, I'm a minority.
Better to play it safe.
Playing it safe, he says.
What's wrong?
-You're right, what's wrong?
-He's just weird.
But look at him.
Anyway, don't you have any other clothes?
You know we're going to the beach, Mud.
I do, but Laela chose these ones.
I'd rather do what she says
than not go to the beach.
Why did Laela choose it?
Why is that?
She's afraid I'm going to charm someone.
Ya Allah, what did you say?
Afraid you'll charm someone?
What are you going to charm, Mud?
Ya Allah, he's just like this now.
Even if you wear nice clothes, not even
a mermaid would necessarily notice you.
Exactly what he said!
Okay, let's cut this crap!
Seng, are we going now or not?
Yeah, let's go,
you've been talking all the time.
Let's go!
Come on, let's go, Seng!
Wait a second.
You guys go first.
I left something behind.
Even on vacation,
she's still trying to control everything.
That's ridiculous.
How many outfits
did your parents pack for you, Mud?
Parents? You mean my wife!
You have bad intentions!
-Wow. One's dressed very religiously!
-You can't be like that!
-I've already brought it.
-Thank you!
Nice.
-Oh God, I'm being pushed.
-Please come in.
Thank you, thank you.
Ustad, I'm sorry,
but we're heading to the beach.
I think the religious lecture
is at the villa next door.
Why are you calling me that?
I also want to go to the beach!
I'm confused, Ustad.
Which beach has a religious lecture?
Enough, I want to get in the car!
Let's just not start a fight.
Oh my
Geez, why is it like this?
Where is Koh Aseng now?
-Hey, Koh Aseng!
-Huh?
The water is not running, you know!
Yeah, I know.
The technician is on his way.
Where is he?
What time will he arrive here?
I can't go shower, perform my ablutions,
or even use the toilet.
What's going on, huh?
I told you, he's on his way.
Just be patient.
You're telling me to be patient?
Will he arrive before the evening prayer?
He will!
And if he doesn't?
Well, I'll call him later.
-Call him now.
-Later!
Why later? Call him now!
I just called him, and he's on his way.
Should I call him every two minutes?
Just be patient. What if he gets annoyed
and refuses to come, huh?
You won't be able to use the toilet
or perform your ablutions then.
Geez, you should have already
prepared things properly!
If we arrive and there's no water,
that's just not right!
I checked earlier.
The water was still running.
Then suddenly, it was off.
How was I to know?
If it suddenly goes off, at least
you could recite a prayer or do something!
Huh?
-Hey, Bert.
-Yeah?
Make sure we go
to Muslim-friendly places, okay?
Where everything is halal
and suitable for us.
-Nice!
-Okay, okay.
I've got plenty of experience
with tourists.
I swear! All kinds of tourists.
Australian tourists, Melbourne tourists,
Sydney tourists, Canberra tourists,
and even Perth tourists!
Hey, you dummy!
Those are just city names,
Australia is the only country
you're naming!
Oh yeah
Here's the thing.
I've taken tourists from Australia,
but never from the Netherlands,
Germany, America, or India.
Astagfirullahaladzim.
Then why did you mention them all?
Does that mean
you only escort Australians?
And Melburnians.
-Are you picking a fight?
-Come on, Mud, enough already.
No need to fight.
The main thing is that
you take us to halal places.
-Okay, Bert?
-Got it.
And one more thing.
Don't go to those monkey places.
-Huh?
-Why? Are you scared?
Yeah.
Scared of looking alike?
-Okay, calm down, guys.
-I'm scared
Just leave everything to Robert.
He's my right-hand man here.
-He likes to joke around.
-But I was serious, Koh.
-Is he being serious?
-How could I joke about guests?
They should be served well.
Whoa! What's wrong with you?
Hey, calm down.
Eh? It seems like someone wants to hit me.
-Yeah, me. I want to hit you!
-Calm down, calm down.
Calm down.
-No joking around, okay?
-Said, calm down.
How's that?
-Koh! Don't open the door.
-Why not?
Opening the door is my job as the driver.
You're the boss.
You can just relax.
All those tasks fall to the driver.
So, the boss isn't supposed
to open the door?
Don't you understand?
There's a hierarchy in traveling.
The boss is here
and the driver is there, you know?
To be the driver!
-Oh
-That's right!
So, this is my duty.
You have to show that you're the boss.
Okay?
-Got it, Koh?
-All right then.
Well, let's do it again from there.
You from the other side.
Oh, man! You two are taking forever!
I'm sweating like crazy here!
I even scolded the boss for opening
the door, let alone you, a guest.
Let us handle it.
Let us open the door. Let us serve.
Everything is on us.
Why are you being so strict?
I've already paid!
-Hey, Han.
-What?
I've already paid, but you haven't.
Well, you can cover me then.
He's already paid.
If he wants to open the door, it's fine.
-Really?
-Of course!
But you haven't paid, so you can't.
This guy is nuts!
Why am I nuts?
Let's hurry up, Seng.
-Let's go, where are we going?
-I think it's that way.
Astagfirullahaladzim!
Whoa, he hasn't gotten out yet.
Astagfirullahaladzim!
-Ustad, I'm so sorry!
-Allahu Akbar!
-You left me behind.
-I forgot you, Ustad.
Ustad, please close the door.
You're the last one out,
so you should close it.
Whether it's a guest or the boss,
if the door is open and we can close it,
then we should do that.
Don't always rely on
Hey! Hurry up, you're taking forever!
This way, right?
-We're going to the beach, right?
-Yeah, to the beach.
Well, we're in Bali, so it's here.
If we were in Yogyakarta, it would be
over there at Parangtritis. Let's go.
-Come on, hurry up.
-It's hot, let's go.
Huh.
Isn't that some good stuff?
Just look ahead. Stop glancing around.
Watch out, the straps could come off.
Let's go.
Robert!
-This way! Come on!
-All right, all right!
All right, boss!
Ready, steady! Let's go to the beach!
This is so Bali. Look at these trees.
-Ah, walking on this sand is so tough!
-Yes, it's tough.
But for something beautiful,
you need to struggle, you know.
Just open the door, right?
Awesome!
Don't blink your eyes, Id.
It stings, Han.
Just hold on!
Astagfirullahaladzim!
Just hold on, Han!
I don't want to see it!
That's haram!
Hello, Auntie!
Oh my goodness.
It's been so long! You're getting fuller.
It's been so long.
You're getting cheekier now.
Well, of course.
Ah, my back feels like it needs cracking.
Koh, those Arab guys,
should we invite them for water sports?
Would they be interested?
Water sports? That sounds cool.
But the budget doesn't fit, Koh.
Water sports are expensive.
I might just hit you!
Let me introduce you.
This is my middle school friend.
Her name is Auntie Meira.
She's pretty, but she doesn't
look like you, huh?
She must take after her dad, huh?
Not really.
Is it done already?
Yep, but it's cracking because
you're breathing.
Stop breathing for a bit.
But is this a man or woman?
Definitely a man, Id!
Look at those arms.
They're just like Popeye's.
Let's take a photo then.
One, two, three!
Jubnu!
Oh, right, Bert, could you pay first?
Use the down payment I gave you.
You still have it, right?
-I'm the one paying now?
-Yeah.
Oh my
-Done?
-Done.
-Okay. I'm heading over there now.
-Okay.
Excuse me.
What are you guys doing?
-Waiting for tips.
-Tips?
If you want, I have a Walkman.
-What's that for?
-Radio tapes!
-In Bali, the beaches are famous.
-Yes.
-There are many sexy foreigners!
-What?!