Are You Being Served? (1972) s02e01 Episode Script
The Clock
0 are you being served? the clock - can i help you, sir? - oh, yes! would you show me some sports jackets, please? i wonât personally, sir.
but iâll summon our senior assistant to attend to your wishes.
mr.
grainger, are you free? yes, iâm free.
that is a guardâs tie youâre wearing, isnât it? no, itâs the tesco table tennis club, actually.
table tennis? yes, the stripe is a little narrower.
yes, captain peacock? something in the sports jacket line for this customer, with plenty of room under the arms.
yes, i would think a 44, wouldnât you, mr.
humphries? certainly, mr.
grainger.
a 44, donât you think so, mr.
lucas? i hope so.
we havenât got anything bigger.
i wouldnât recommend a check, sir, it is apt to make the figure a little more portly.
donât you agree, mr.
humphries? weâve only got checks in 44.
well, of course, sir, you have got the height to carry it off.
- 44 check, mr.
lucas.
- 44 check coming up, mr.
humphries.
this range is in pushcon, isnât it, mr.
humphries? right first time, mr.
grainger.
35% wool, 35% pushcon.
that only makes 70%.
yes, well, thereâs a lot of air between the fibers.
it allows the fabric to breathe.
isnât that right, mr.
lucas? quite right, mr.
humphries.
if you listen quietly, you can hear it.
thank you, mr.
lucas.
weâve got a whole cupboardful over there, panting for breath.
the mirror, mr.
lucas.
one mirror, coming up, mr.
grainger.
what do you think, mr.
humphries? itâs nice and snug in the front.
- yes, very snug, indeed.
- why donât you have a look at the back? iâm sure the back is snug as well.
yes.
it does feel a little tight.
try breathing in and out a little, sir.
thatâs better, isnât it? yes, that feels much better.
is it hard-wearing? oh, very hard-wearing, sir.
they discovered pushcon while they were developing the concorde.
if youâre thinking of going through the sound barrier you couldnât have chosen better.
- how much is it? - itâs 30, including v.
a.
t.
that does seem rather a lot.
when you consider it cost 500 million to develop, itâs reasonable, sir.
still seems an awful lot of money.
actually, sir, it has been reduced from 42.
- oh, is that so? - youâre saving 12, sir.
iâll think about it.
iâll take it.
- sale, mr.
humphries.
- book, mr.
lucas.
well done, mr.
grainger.
miss brahms! the bridal veil with the blue orange blossoms.
- yes, mrs.
slocombe.
- where is madam going for her honeymoon? weâre torn between eastbourne and brighton.
it is difficult to make up oneâs mind, isnât it? it is.
why not compromise and try beachy head? there.
howâs that? itâs a bit thick, isnât it? it looks lovely from our side.
i canât see.
youâll have someone holding your arm.
he wonât recognize me.
heâll know your voice, wonât he? think of the surprise heâs gonna get when he lifts it up.
thatâll do, miss brahms.
the orange blossom is detachable, should madam wish to use it for decorative purposes afterwards.
i suppose iâd better take it.
- pack it up, miss brahms.
- iâve not said anything.
- pack the veil up, girl.
- sorry.
is that the way you usually attract a ladyâs attention, mr.
mash? no, usually i go up behind them and gowe-hey-hey! you going to old graingerâs farewell dinner tonight? it is not his farewell dinner tonight, mr.
mash.
just because heâs 65, it doesnât mean heâs retiring.
if they give him a cuckoo clock, it does.
thatâs what they did to fredricks in hardware.
44 years heâd been with the firm.
they had the dinner and when they got to the coffee, they gave him the clock, one chorus of âfor heâs a jolly good fellow,â and shoved him in the lift.
here you are, six pairs of tights, and six pairs of âpussy boots.
â - six pairs of what? - pussy boots.
fur slippers.
and weâve got a new sales gimmick, as well, for them.
look at that.
whateverâs that? one electric pussy.
battery operated.
pussy boots, pussy boots.
how could anyone do that to a cat? you want to thank your lucky stars, mate, you ainât selling elephant hide luggage.
iâve a good mind to write to the r.
s.
p.
c.
a.
youâre a bit late.
itâs dead.
captain peacock, just look what theyâve sent me.
itâs disgusting.
- would you like to see it working, captain? - very well.
you must admit⦠itâs a novelty, mrs.
slocombe.
mr.
mash? mr.
mash? take it to the vet.
very amusing, captain, very amusing.
mrs.
slocombe, mr.
grainger has gone to his coffee break.
this would be a good opportunity to discuss his birthday dinner.
oh, yes.
miss brahms, come along.
mr.
humphries, are you free? yes, iâm free, captain peacock.
mr.
lucas, are you free? - i think i am free at this precise moment, captain peacock.
- gather round.
iâve had a word with the canteen manager.
it would seem the most economical way of staging this function is to hold the dinner down here.
oh, poor mr.
grainger.
canât we give him a proper do in the restaurant upstairs? that would cost us an extra 1 per head.
letâs have it down here.
letâs have it at the scene of his triumphs.
the menu would be as follows: vegetable soup or hors dâoeuvres.
thatâs a sardine on a bit of tired lettuce.
and the russian salad, mr.
lucas.
iâd forgotten the russian salad, captain peacock.
i shall never forget the russian salad.
a main course, which i shall bring up later.
wonât we all.
cabinet pudding with custard, or simulated cream; coffee ad lib, and one âafter eightâ mint.
and how much is that lot? the cost, miss brahms, depends on what we choose as a main course.
roast pheasant would be 2 per head, poulet rotiâ you what? roast chicken 1.
50, steak pie 1.
25, or macaroni cheese 1.
i vote for macaroni cheese.
we canât give the poor old soul a dinner with macaroni cheese.
heâd prefer it.
once he gets those teeth of his in a pheasant, heâd be here all night.
if we have the canteen steak pie, weâll all be here all night.
iâll go for the macaroni cheese, myself.
i think we should give him the chicken.
- any other votes for chicken? - iâll vote for the chicken.
it goes so well with cabinet pudding and simulated cream.
i favor chicken myself, so thatâs⦠three votes for chicken and two for macaroni cheese.
and the steak pie loses its deposit.
so that means we have chicken.
that will be 1.
50 per head.
never mind, shirley, you and me can share the wishbone.
i know what youâre going to wish for.
even if he wins, he wonât get it.
the 1.
50, of course, does include mr.
grainger and his good lady wife.
is anybody else bringing any guests? - no.
- no, i think itâs better to keep it intimate.
- weâre not adverse to a little intimacy, are we? - no, mr.
humphries.
we could invite âthe galloping gourmet.
â if he took one look at that menu, heâd gallop the other way.
thank you, mr.
lucas.
now, as regards to dress, i think⦠black tie.
what? nothing else? then itâll be like a funeral.
i think itâs morbid, these farewell dinners.
miss brahms, we do not know that it is a farewell dinner.
thatâs up to our manager, mr.
rumbold.
itâs only a farewell dinner if you get a cuckoo clock then you drag yourself home for the last time, stick it on the mantelpiece, and watch the rest of your life tick away.
the way old grainger was staggering around this morning, they could save money and give him an egg timer.
thank you, mr.
lucas.
back to your places, everyone.
did i miss something? no, no, no, mr.
grainger.
we were just discussing the menu for your dinner.
oh, yes.
i do hope weâre not going to have steak pie.
iâm traveling home on a non-corridor train.
- chicken, actually.
- good.
i remember mr.
fredricks had the chicken, but unfortunately, he also had the cuckoo clock.
iâm sure that grace brothers will require your services for many years.
is that official, stephen? no, ernest, no.
itâs not in my hands.
thatâs up to our manager, mr.
rumbold.
menswear.
are you free, mr.
grainger? yes, iâm free.
youâre wanted in mr.
rumboldâs office.
oh, i wonder what thatâs about? itâs probably nothing to do with that at all, ernest.
whatever will be, will be.
iâve had very many happy years here.
you know very well that if grace brothers were going to announce your retirement, young mr.
grace would attend the dinner personally.
isnât he coming? off the record, i have not been so informed.
oh, good.
enter.
i understood that you wanted to see me, sir.
did i? ah, yes, itâs about young mr.
grace.
oh, yes? he wonât be attending your dinner tonight.
oh, good.
unfortunately, he has a very bad cold.
oh, you mean, if he hadnât got a cold, he would be there? well, when someone has been here as long as you have, mr.
grainger.
how long is it now? i joined grace brothers in 1937, on the day that mr.
baldwin resigned.
resigned from grace brothers? no, he handed over to mr.
chamberlain.
ah, chamberlain of china and glass.
the prime minister.
he wasnât at grace brothers, was he? the mr.
chamberlain who went to munich.
i didnât know we had a branch there.
we havenât.
he went to see hitler.
what? mr.
chamberlain of china and glass? i have been at grace brothers for 37 years.
iâm looking forward to your dinner.
weâre having the chicken.
oh, good, good.
mr.
fredricks had the steak pie.
no, he had the chicken too.
but unfortunately he had the cuckoo clock as well.
oh, yes, the cuckoo clock.
that will be all, mr.
grainger.
thank you, mr.
rumbold.
did i hear something ticking? ticking? no, no, no.
i donât think so.
it must have been⦠the pipes of the central heating system expanding.
good.
mr.
grainger, whateverâs the matter? you look as if youâve seen a ghost.
iâve heard the cuckoo in mr.
rumboldâs office.
3rd of march? youâd better write a letter tothe times.
it was a cuckoo clock.
- glass of water for mr.
grainger.
- glass of water coming up.
i hope someone turns up soon.
these bubbles is all drying up.
remember, mr.
mash, only one glass each.
yeah, we donât want them losing control, do we, eh? mr.
james lucas and mr.
wilberforce clayborn humphries.
- hello, wilberforce.
- hello, james.
thatâll do, mr.
mash.
so sorry weâre late, your grace.
but we stopped off at the oklahoma pancake house for a cup of cocoa and a danish pastry.
the excitement was all too much.
there was a lovely bit of danish crumpet in there, but once she heard that we were going to our anniversary dinner, she went off me.
oh, champagne! dom perignon? no, japanese tinned, extra dry.
the bubbles donât go up your nose, they give you karate chops.
miss shirley brahms and the duchess of slocombe.
- drinks, ladies.
- why not? i think youâve had enough.
are you suggesting, miss brahms, that four vodka martinis are beyond my capacity? one of these days, that escalator is going to do somebody a mischief.
you know what they say about vodka, mrs.
slocombe.
âoneâs all right.
twoâs the most, three under the table, four under the host.
â mr.
humphries, what will you say next? mr.
rumboldâs the host.
captain stephen peacock r.
a.
s.
c.
, c.
of e.
, hero of the battle of cattericknaafi, holder of the hot cross bun and barâ that will do, mr.
mash.
- here you are, captain.
- thank you.
hey, take it easy.
we ainât got no reserves.
the group are coming up in the other lift.
good, whoâve we got? the new seekers? i donât think itâs the new seekers, love, more like the old knockers.
good evening, i am madam trixie, and this is the trixie trio.
welcome to grace brothers.
oh, champagne.
the beer for the band is behind the piano.
where do you want the orchestra? oh, well, over here ladies, i think.
by the pianoforte.
well, captain peacock, it looks as though weâre going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic.
i beg your pardon? she wants you to rip her tight elastic.
perhaps youâd better sit down, mrs.
slocombe.
weâre starting in less than an hour.
mr.
rumbold, sir, since it will affect my speech, is mr.
grainger going to get the clock? yes, iâm afraid so.
owing to young mr.
graceâs indisposition, iâm going to have to present it.
oh, what a pity heâs going.
heâs such a useful member of the department.
oh, we shall have to carry on.
humphries will have to move up, and we shall have to get another mr.
lucas.
what a terrible thought.
- who is? - mr.
grainger.
that poor old devil.
grainger for the chop.
oh, itâll break his heart.
is there anything particular you wish us to play? oh, yes, when mr.
grainger comes down, i should like you to play something suitable.
- certainly.
- how about âgoodbyeâ? thatâs a bit sudden, isnât it? what about, âwe donât want to lose you, but we think you ought to goâ? we ought to have something cheerful, like the rolling stones.
yeahâ this will be the last timeâ i suggest⦠âa fine, old english gentleman.
â splendid choice, sir.
stand by, i think mr.
graingerâs coming up in the lift.
places, everybody.
- mrs.
slocombe, weâre starting.
- stand by, orchestra.
elsie makepeace and doris poland.
doris, it must be âthis is your life.
â ta.
what are you doing here? itâs half past 7:00.
weâve come to do the floor.
you canât do them now.
go away.
if thatâs how you feel, do it yourself.
youâll hear from mr.
heatherington about this.
didnât you speak to heatherington about this? itâs not my province, sir.
lingerie, blouses.
right.
mr.
and mrs.
grainger are coming up in the lift.
places, everybody.
mr.
and mrs.
ernest grainger.
mr.
and mrs.
grainger, in the name of grace brothers, welcome to your anniversary dinner.
thank you.
theyâve got an orchestra.
mr.
fredricks didnât have an orchestra.
perhaps weâll be able to do the gay gordons.
that should round the evening off nicely.
my lords, ladies and gentlemen, take your partners for the tinned vegetable soup.
- shall we go in, mr.
humphries? - right.
light as ever on your feet, my dear.
theyâve certainly given us a night to remember.
they certainly have.
iâm very glad we didnât have the steak.
if youâre going to dance with your hand down there iâm going to sit down.
youâve got plenty to sit on.
thatâs my best feature.
nearly went.
strange how potent cheap music is.
mr.
humphries, you and i appear to be the only two not dancing.
all right, if you promise not to lead.
i think weâd better get on with the speeches.
mr.
mash, my compliments to the trio.
will you ask them to take an interval? certainly, sir.
jug-ears says belt up for five minutes.
all right? iâm really rather puffed.
itâs just as well that iâm going to put my feet up.
pray, be seated.
come on, shirley.
the judge is going to pronounce sentence.
- mrs.
slocombe.
- have we stopped? i would ask all those present to ensure that their glasses are fully charged.
mine seems to be empty.
blimey, mrs.
slocombe, you got hollow legs, have you? i now call upon captain peacock to propose the toast.
- mr.
and mrs.
grainger, ladies and gentlemen, - hear, hear! we havenât got to that bit yet, mrs.
slocombe.
iâd better have another then.
âhow can one sum up a career like mr.
graingerâs?â quickly, i hope.
âhe startedâ literally on the ground floor, in haberdashery, and after two short years, was given his own counter in stationery.
already thewriting was on the wall.
it spelled âsuccess.
â hisâ his amazing drive and enthusiasm soon came to the notice of the board of management, and he was transferred to bathroom furniture, where he remained for five triumphant years, - before moving onââ - flushed with success.
âbefore moving on to gentlemenâs shoes.
but already, one might say, his foot was on the ladder.
â thank you.
âbecause from there, fortunately for us, and grace brothers, he finally found his niche in gentlemenâs trousers.
â - whatâs aniche? - i donât think iâve seen one.
âi would like you now to raise your glasses as i close on these words from pope, âoh, happy the man whose wish and care a few paternal acres bound, content to breathe his native air in his own ground.
ââ very nice, very nice.
pity he lives in a flat in eltham.
/nincs szÃveg/ i ask you all to be upstanding.
i give you mr.
grainger, coupled with mrs.
grainger.
mr.
grainger coupled with mrs.
grainger.
- mr.
grainger⦠- speech! speech! speech, speech! ladies and gentlemen⦠come along, mr.
grainger.
dear friends, my heart is very fullâ my glass-ss is ver-rry empty.
the great honor which you have done mrs.
grainger and myself in giving us this wonderful banquet tonight with the chicken, and all these magnificent presents especially this⦠combined shoehorn and backscratcher.
you know, as i look back over the years, they all seem to have passed very quickly, but i shall always have very happy recollections of you all.
and all that i can really say now is.
thank you.
oh, isnât it sad? it is sad.
thank you.
please keep it.
pray, silence for mr.
rumbold.
thank you, mr.
mash.
ladies and gentlemen, mr.
and mrs.
grainger, as you know, it has always been the custom for young mr.
grace to announce whether or not he wishes employees who achieve the age of 65 to take advantage of the pension scheme, or to remain in the saddle.
as you also know, young mr.
grace is indisposed.
it therefore falls to my lot to perform the ceremonyâ itâs young mr.
grace.
is that young mr.
grace? old mr.
grace doesnât get about much.
good evening, mr.
grace.
- i hope iâm not too late.
- youâre not too late, mr.
grace.
thereâs still plenty of cabinet pudding left, mr.
grace.
i suppose heâs come to hand over the clock.
yes, just in time.
- shall i continue, mr.
grace? - please do, mr.
rumbold.
well, i was about to remark how very much we appreciate the long years of devoted service, the great consideration you have always shown for all those with whom you have worked.
thank you.
thank you.
we feelâ we definitely feel after all these long years, you have truly earned a rest.
and therefore all that remains, is for this to be presented.
here you are, sir.
oh, thank you.
this is a surprise.
how very nice of you all.
iâve given a lot of these away, but iâve never got one.
my doctor says i shouldnât be out, so iâm now going.
another five years, and youâll be getting one of those, ernest.
- well, goodbye, all.
- goodbye, mr.
grace.
youâve all done very well.
thank you, mr.
grace.
well, ernest, it looks as if youâre staying on.
yes, it does.
of course, iâm very happy about it, but i should have liked a bit more leisure.
- could i have monday off? - certainly not! if heâs not leaving, he wonât be needing his presents.
for heâs a jolly good fellow⦠for heâs a jolly good fellow⦠and so say all of us.
but iâll summon our senior assistant to attend to your wishes.
mr.
grainger, are you free? yes, iâm free.
that is a guardâs tie youâre wearing, isnât it? no, itâs the tesco table tennis club, actually.
table tennis? yes, the stripe is a little narrower.
yes, captain peacock? something in the sports jacket line for this customer, with plenty of room under the arms.
yes, i would think a 44, wouldnât you, mr.
humphries? certainly, mr.
grainger.
a 44, donât you think so, mr.
lucas? i hope so.
we havenât got anything bigger.
i wouldnât recommend a check, sir, it is apt to make the figure a little more portly.
donât you agree, mr.
humphries? weâve only got checks in 44.
well, of course, sir, you have got the height to carry it off.
- 44 check, mr.
lucas.
- 44 check coming up, mr.
humphries.
this range is in pushcon, isnât it, mr.
humphries? right first time, mr.
grainger.
35% wool, 35% pushcon.
that only makes 70%.
yes, well, thereâs a lot of air between the fibers.
it allows the fabric to breathe.
isnât that right, mr.
lucas? quite right, mr.
humphries.
if you listen quietly, you can hear it.
thank you, mr.
lucas.
weâve got a whole cupboardful over there, panting for breath.
the mirror, mr.
lucas.
one mirror, coming up, mr.
grainger.
what do you think, mr.
humphries? itâs nice and snug in the front.
- yes, very snug, indeed.
- why donât you have a look at the back? iâm sure the back is snug as well.
yes.
it does feel a little tight.
try breathing in and out a little, sir.
thatâs better, isnât it? yes, that feels much better.
is it hard-wearing? oh, very hard-wearing, sir.
they discovered pushcon while they were developing the concorde.
if youâre thinking of going through the sound barrier you couldnât have chosen better.
- how much is it? - itâs 30, including v.
a.
t.
that does seem rather a lot.
when you consider it cost 500 million to develop, itâs reasonable, sir.
still seems an awful lot of money.
actually, sir, it has been reduced from 42.
- oh, is that so? - youâre saving 12, sir.
iâll think about it.
iâll take it.
- sale, mr.
humphries.
- book, mr.
lucas.
well done, mr.
grainger.
miss brahms! the bridal veil with the blue orange blossoms.
- yes, mrs.
slocombe.
- where is madam going for her honeymoon? weâre torn between eastbourne and brighton.
it is difficult to make up oneâs mind, isnât it? it is.
why not compromise and try beachy head? there.
howâs that? itâs a bit thick, isnât it? it looks lovely from our side.
i canât see.
youâll have someone holding your arm.
he wonât recognize me.
heâll know your voice, wonât he? think of the surprise heâs gonna get when he lifts it up.
thatâll do, miss brahms.
the orange blossom is detachable, should madam wish to use it for decorative purposes afterwards.
i suppose iâd better take it.
- pack it up, miss brahms.
- iâve not said anything.
- pack the veil up, girl.
- sorry.
is that the way you usually attract a ladyâs attention, mr.
mash? no, usually i go up behind them and gowe-hey-hey! you going to old graingerâs farewell dinner tonight? it is not his farewell dinner tonight, mr.
mash.
just because heâs 65, it doesnât mean heâs retiring.
if they give him a cuckoo clock, it does.
thatâs what they did to fredricks in hardware.
44 years heâd been with the firm.
they had the dinner and when they got to the coffee, they gave him the clock, one chorus of âfor heâs a jolly good fellow,â and shoved him in the lift.
here you are, six pairs of tights, and six pairs of âpussy boots.
â - six pairs of what? - pussy boots.
fur slippers.
and weâve got a new sales gimmick, as well, for them.
look at that.
whateverâs that? one electric pussy.
battery operated.
pussy boots, pussy boots.
how could anyone do that to a cat? you want to thank your lucky stars, mate, you ainât selling elephant hide luggage.
iâve a good mind to write to the r.
s.
p.
c.
a.
youâre a bit late.
itâs dead.
captain peacock, just look what theyâve sent me.
itâs disgusting.
- would you like to see it working, captain? - very well.
you must admit⦠itâs a novelty, mrs.
slocombe.
mr.
mash? mr.
mash? take it to the vet.
very amusing, captain, very amusing.
mrs.
slocombe, mr.
grainger has gone to his coffee break.
this would be a good opportunity to discuss his birthday dinner.
oh, yes.
miss brahms, come along.
mr.
humphries, are you free? yes, iâm free, captain peacock.
mr.
lucas, are you free? - i think i am free at this precise moment, captain peacock.
- gather round.
iâve had a word with the canteen manager.
it would seem the most economical way of staging this function is to hold the dinner down here.
oh, poor mr.
grainger.
canât we give him a proper do in the restaurant upstairs? that would cost us an extra 1 per head.
letâs have it down here.
letâs have it at the scene of his triumphs.
the menu would be as follows: vegetable soup or hors dâoeuvres.
thatâs a sardine on a bit of tired lettuce.
and the russian salad, mr.
lucas.
iâd forgotten the russian salad, captain peacock.
i shall never forget the russian salad.
a main course, which i shall bring up later.
wonât we all.
cabinet pudding with custard, or simulated cream; coffee ad lib, and one âafter eightâ mint.
and how much is that lot? the cost, miss brahms, depends on what we choose as a main course.
roast pheasant would be 2 per head, poulet rotiâ you what? roast chicken 1.
50, steak pie 1.
25, or macaroni cheese 1.
i vote for macaroni cheese.
we canât give the poor old soul a dinner with macaroni cheese.
heâd prefer it.
once he gets those teeth of his in a pheasant, heâd be here all night.
if we have the canteen steak pie, weâll all be here all night.
iâll go for the macaroni cheese, myself.
i think we should give him the chicken.
- any other votes for chicken? - iâll vote for the chicken.
it goes so well with cabinet pudding and simulated cream.
i favor chicken myself, so thatâs⦠three votes for chicken and two for macaroni cheese.
and the steak pie loses its deposit.
so that means we have chicken.
that will be 1.
50 per head.
never mind, shirley, you and me can share the wishbone.
i know what youâre going to wish for.
even if he wins, he wonât get it.
the 1.
50, of course, does include mr.
grainger and his good lady wife.
is anybody else bringing any guests? - no.
- no, i think itâs better to keep it intimate.
- weâre not adverse to a little intimacy, are we? - no, mr.
humphries.
we could invite âthe galloping gourmet.
â if he took one look at that menu, heâd gallop the other way.
thank you, mr.
lucas.
now, as regards to dress, i think⦠black tie.
what? nothing else? then itâll be like a funeral.
i think itâs morbid, these farewell dinners.
miss brahms, we do not know that it is a farewell dinner.
thatâs up to our manager, mr.
rumbold.
itâs only a farewell dinner if you get a cuckoo clock then you drag yourself home for the last time, stick it on the mantelpiece, and watch the rest of your life tick away.
the way old grainger was staggering around this morning, they could save money and give him an egg timer.
thank you, mr.
lucas.
back to your places, everyone.
did i miss something? no, no, no, mr.
grainger.
we were just discussing the menu for your dinner.
oh, yes.
i do hope weâre not going to have steak pie.
iâm traveling home on a non-corridor train.
- chicken, actually.
- good.
i remember mr.
fredricks had the chicken, but unfortunately, he also had the cuckoo clock.
iâm sure that grace brothers will require your services for many years.
is that official, stephen? no, ernest, no.
itâs not in my hands.
thatâs up to our manager, mr.
rumbold.
menswear.
are you free, mr.
grainger? yes, iâm free.
youâre wanted in mr.
rumboldâs office.
oh, i wonder what thatâs about? itâs probably nothing to do with that at all, ernest.
whatever will be, will be.
iâve had very many happy years here.
you know very well that if grace brothers were going to announce your retirement, young mr.
grace would attend the dinner personally.
isnât he coming? off the record, i have not been so informed.
oh, good.
enter.
i understood that you wanted to see me, sir.
did i? ah, yes, itâs about young mr.
grace.
oh, yes? he wonât be attending your dinner tonight.
oh, good.
unfortunately, he has a very bad cold.
oh, you mean, if he hadnât got a cold, he would be there? well, when someone has been here as long as you have, mr.
grainger.
how long is it now? i joined grace brothers in 1937, on the day that mr.
baldwin resigned.
resigned from grace brothers? no, he handed over to mr.
chamberlain.
ah, chamberlain of china and glass.
the prime minister.
he wasnât at grace brothers, was he? the mr.
chamberlain who went to munich.
i didnât know we had a branch there.
we havenât.
he went to see hitler.
what? mr.
chamberlain of china and glass? i have been at grace brothers for 37 years.
iâm looking forward to your dinner.
weâre having the chicken.
oh, good, good.
mr.
fredricks had the steak pie.
no, he had the chicken too.
but unfortunately he had the cuckoo clock as well.
oh, yes, the cuckoo clock.
that will be all, mr.
grainger.
thank you, mr.
rumbold.
did i hear something ticking? ticking? no, no, no.
i donât think so.
it must have been⦠the pipes of the central heating system expanding.
good.
mr.
grainger, whateverâs the matter? you look as if youâve seen a ghost.
iâve heard the cuckoo in mr.
rumboldâs office.
3rd of march? youâd better write a letter tothe times.
it was a cuckoo clock.
- glass of water for mr.
grainger.
- glass of water coming up.
i hope someone turns up soon.
these bubbles is all drying up.
remember, mr.
mash, only one glass each.
yeah, we donât want them losing control, do we, eh? mr.
james lucas and mr.
wilberforce clayborn humphries.
- hello, wilberforce.
- hello, james.
thatâll do, mr.
mash.
so sorry weâre late, your grace.
but we stopped off at the oklahoma pancake house for a cup of cocoa and a danish pastry.
the excitement was all too much.
there was a lovely bit of danish crumpet in there, but once she heard that we were going to our anniversary dinner, she went off me.
oh, champagne! dom perignon? no, japanese tinned, extra dry.
the bubbles donât go up your nose, they give you karate chops.
miss shirley brahms and the duchess of slocombe.
- drinks, ladies.
- why not? i think youâve had enough.
are you suggesting, miss brahms, that four vodka martinis are beyond my capacity? one of these days, that escalator is going to do somebody a mischief.
you know what they say about vodka, mrs.
slocombe.
âoneâs all right.
twoâs the most, three under the table, four under the host.
â mr.
humphries, what will you say next? mr.
rumboldâs the host.
captain stephen peacock r.
a.
s.
c.
, c.
of e.
, hero of the battle of cattericknaafi, holder of the hot cross bun and barâ that will do, mr.
mash.
- here you are, captain.
- thank you.
hey, take it easy.
we ainât got no reserves.
the group are coming up in the other lift.
good, whoâve we got? the new seekers? i donât think itâs the new seekers, love, more like the old knockers.
good evening, i am madam trixie, and this is the trixie trio.
welcome to grace brothers.
oh, champagne.
the beer for the band is behind the piano.
where do you want the orchestra? oh, well, over here ladies, i think.
by the pianoforte.
well, captain peacock, it looks as though weâre going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic.
i beg your pardon? she wants you to rip her tight elastic.
perhaps youâd better sit down, mrs.
slocombe.
weâre starting in less than an hour.
mr.
rumbold, sir, since it will affect my speech, is mr.
grainger going to get the clock? yes, iâm afraid so.
owing to young mr.
graceâs indisposition, iâm going to have to present it.
oh, what a pity heâs going.
heâs such a useful member of the department.
oh, we shall have to carry on.
humphries will have to move up, and we shall have to get another mr.
lucas.
what a terrible thought.
- who is? - mr.
grainger.
that poor old devil.
grainger for the chop.
oh, itâll break his heart.
is there anything particular you wish us to play? oh, yes, when mr.
grainger comes down, i should like you to play something suitable.
- certainly.
- how about âgoodbyeâ? thatâs a bit sudden, isnât it? what about, âwe donât want to lose you, but we think you ought to goâ? we ought to have something cheerful, like the rolling stones.
yeahâ this will be the last timeâ i suggest⦠âa fine, old english gentleman.
â splendid choice, sir.
stand by, i think mr.
graingerâs coming up in the lift.
places, everybody.
- mrs.
slocombe, weâre starting.
- stand by, orchestra.
elsie makepeace and doris poland.
doris, it must be âthis is your life.
â ta.
what are you doing here? itâs half past 7:00.
weâve come to do the floor.
you canât do them now.
go away.
if thatâs how you feel, do it yourself.
youâll hear from mr.
heatherington about this.
didnât you speak to heatherington about this? itâs not my province, sir.
lingerie, blouses.
right.
mr.
and mrs.
grainger are coming up in the lift.
places, everybody.
mr.
and mrs.
ernest grainger.
mr.
and mrs.
grainger, in the name of grace brothers, welcome to your anniversary dinner.
thank you.
theyâve got an orchestra.
mr.
fredricks didnât have an orchestra.
perhaps weâll be able to do the gay gordons.
that should round the evening off nicely.
my lords, ladies and gentlemen, take your partners for the tinned vegetable soup.
- shall we go in, mr.
humphries? - right.
light as ever on your feet, my dear.
theyâve certainly given us a night to remember.
they certainly have.
iâm very glad we didnât have the steak.
if youâre going to dance with your hand down there iâm going to sit down.
youâve got plenty to sit on.
thatâs my best feature.
nearly went.
strange how potent cheap music is.
mr.
humphries, you and i appear to be the only two not dancing.
all right, if you promise not to lead.
i think weâd better get on with the speeches.
mr.
mash, my compliments to the trio.
will you ask them to take an interval? certainly, sir.
jug-ears says belt up for five minutes.
all right? iâm really rather puffed.
itâs just as well that iâm going to put my feet up.
pray, be seated.
come on, shirley.
the judge is going to pronounce sentence.
- mrs.
slocombe.
- have we stopped? i would ask all those present to ensure that their glasses are fully charged.
mine seems to be empty.
blimey, mrs.
slocombe, you got hollow legs, have you? i now call upon captain peacock to propose the toast.
- mr.
and mrs.
grainger, ladies and gentlemen, - hear, hear! we havenât got to that bit yet, mrs.
slocombe.
iâd better have another then.
âhow can one sum up a career like mr.
graingerâs?â quickly, i hope.
âhe startedâ literally on the ground floor, in haberdashery, and after two short years, was given his own counter in stationery.
already thewriting was on the wall.
it spelled âsuccess.
â hisâ his amazing drive and enthusiasm soon came to the notice of the board of management, and he was transferred to bathroom furniture, where he remained for five triumphant years, - before moving onââ - flushed with success.
âbefore moving on to gentlemenâs shoes.
but already, one might say, his foot was on the ladder.
â thank you.
âbecause from there, fortunately for us, and grace brothers, he finally found his niche in gentlemenâs trousers.
â - whatâs aniche? - i donât think iâve seen one.
âi would like you now to raise your glasses as i close on these words from pope, âoh, happy the man whose wish and care a few paternal acres bound, content to breathe his native air in his own ground.
ââ very nice, very nice.
pity he lives in a flat in eltham.
/nincs szÃveg/ i ask you all to be upstanding.
i give you mr.
grainger, coupled with mrs.
grainger.
mr.
grainger coupled with mrs.
grainger.
- mr.
grainger⦠- speech! speech! speech, speech! ladies and gentlemen⦠come along, mr.
grainger.
dear friends, my heart is very fullâ my glass-ss is ver-rry empty.
the great honor which you have done mrs.
grainger and myself in giving us this wonderful banquet tonight with the chicken, and all these magnificent presents especially this⦠combined shoehorn and backscratcher.
you know, as i look back over the years, they all seem to have passed very quickly, but i shall always have very happy recollections of you all.
and all that i can really say now is.
thank you.
oh, isnât it sad? it is sad.
thank you.
please keep it.
pray, silence for mr.
rumbold.
thank you, mr.
mash.
ladies and gentlemen, mr.
and mrs.
grainger, as you know, it has always been the custom for young mr.
grace to announce whether or not he wishes employees who achieve the age of 65 to take advantage of the pension scheme, or to remain in the saddle.
as you also know, young mr.
grace is indisposed.
it therefore falls to my lot to perform the ceremonyâ itâs young mr.
grace.
is that young mr.
grace? old mr.
grace doesnât get about much.
good evening, mr.
grace.
- i hope iâm not too late.
- youâre not too late, mr.
grace.
thereâs still plenty of cabinet pudding left, mr.
grace.
i suppose heâs come to hand over the clock.
yes, just in time.
- shall i continue, mr.
grace? - please do, mr.
rumbold.
well, i was about to remark how very much we appreciate the long years of devoted service, the great consideration you have always shown for all those with whom you have worked.
thank you.
thank you.
we feelâ we definitely feel after all these long years, you have truly earned a rest.
and therefore all that remains, is for this to be presented.
here you are, sir.
oh, thank you.
this is a surprise.
how very nice of you all.
iâve given a lot of these away, but iâve never got one.
my doctor says i shouldnât be out, so iâm now going.
another five years, and youâll be getting one of those, ernest.
- well, goodbye, all.
- goodbye, mr.
grace.
youâve all done very well.
thank you, mr.
grace.
well, ernest, it looks as if youâre staying on.
yes, it does.
of course, iâm very happy about it, but i should have liked a bit more leisure.
- could i have monday off? - certainly not! if heâs not leaving, he wonât be needing his presents.
for heâs a jolly good fellow⦠for heâs a jolly good fellow⦠and so say all of us.