Are You Being Served? Again! (1992) s02e01 Episode Script

1
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
- GOOD MORNING, MAVIS.
- OH, YOU BE UP EARLY,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WELL, I HAD RATHER
A RESTLESS NIGHT.
DID MISS BRAHMS KEEP YOU AWAKE
WITH HER SNORING AGAIN?
OH, NO, NO, NO.
BUT MY PUSSY WAS
VERY AGITATED.
ALL THOSE
AMERICAN TOURISTS
WOULD INSIST ON
GIVING HER TIDBITS.
THEN THE POOR THING
GOT HER PAW STUCK
IN SOME CHEWING GUM.
AND DURING THE NIGH
WHEN SHE WEN
TO WASH HER FACE,
YOU KNOW,
THE WAY CATS DO
SHE GOT HER PAW STUCK
IN HER LEFT EAR.
OH, THE POOR THING.
DID YOU GET IT OFF?
WELL, I TRIED TO, MAVIS,
BUT SHE RAN AWAY.
NEVER YOU MIND.
YOU HAVE A NICE
CUP OF TEA.
- WELL, THERE'S NO MILK.
- OH.
MORNING,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
MY WORD,
YOU SHOULDN'
WALK ROUND
IN A FLIMSY OUTFI
LIKE THAT.
SET A BLOKE ON FIRE.
IF ONE IS AS DRIED UP
AS WHAT YOU ARE,
I SHOULD IMAGINE YOU'D BURS
INTO FLAMES VERY EASILY.
NOW THEN, YOU TWO,
DON'T START.
I BROUGHT THE EGGS
AND THE MILK.
YOU OUGHTA LET ME
DO THE MILKIN'.
IT'S BAD FOR YOUR BACK,
ALL THAT BENDING DOWN.
OH, I GO
ROUND THAT.
I WALKED THE COW UP
ON THE MILK CART,
AND TOOK OUT A COUPLE
OF FLOORBOARDS,
AND MILK HER
STANDING UP.
GOT SOME IN ME HAT.
I'LL HAVE MY TEA
WITH LEMON, MAVIS.
GOOD MORNING,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- GOOD MORNING, MAVIS.
- OH, MORNING.
DON'T I GE
A GOOD MORNING, THEN?
OR AM I INVISIBLE?
I'M SORRY,
MR. MOULTERD,
YOU ARE
VERY VISIBLE.
NOT TO MENTION
AROMATIC.
WELL, I'D BETTER
BE OFF,
I GOT A LOAD OF MUCK
TO TAKE UP TO THE TOP FIELD.
WHAT AN EXCITING LIFE
ONE LEADS IN THE COUNTRY.
THERE'S NO NEED TO LOOK DOWN
ON US COUNTRY FOLK,
JUST 'CAUSE WE'RE
CLOSE TO THE SOIL.
MY DAD'S AN 'ARD WORKER,
AND HE'S GOT A BIG 'EART.
PITY IT'S IN SUCH
AN UNATTRACTIVE WRAPPING.
YOU GET ON
WITH YOUR PORRIDGE.
AND WHAT HAS HAPPENED
TO MR. HUMPHRIES
THIS MORNING?
OH, HE'S VERY TIRED,
HE'S UP ALL NIGHT.
ANY SPECIFIC REASON?
WELL, HE SAID HE HAD
A BAD ARM FROM DOING THIS
BEHIND THE BAR
WITH THE AMERICANS.
AND WHAT EXACTLY
WAS HE DOING?
SHAKING COCKTAILS.
I'LL GO AND SEE IF
I CAN AROUSE HIM.
YOU KNOW, STEVEN,
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
I DON'T THINK THAT GIRL'S
IN A VERY HEALTHY SITUATION.
SHE'S BESOTTED
WITH MR. HUMPHRIES,
AND BEING A SIMPLE
COUNTRY GIRL,
I DON'T THINK
SHE REALIZES
THAT HE'S NOT WHA
YOU MIGHT DESCRIBE
IN THE WIDES
POSSIBLE TERMS
A WOMAN'S MAN.
YES, AND ON
THE OTHER HAND,
HE'S NOT, WITHIN THE SAME
BOUNDARIES YOU DESCRIBE,
- A MAN'S MAN.
- TRUE.
DO YOU THINK
WE SHOULD TELL HER?
MRS. SLOCOMBE
BETTY
HOW DO YOU BREAK I
TO A PERSON
IF THEY'VE GOT A MAD,
PASSIONATE CRUSH
ON SOMEBODY IN LIMBO?
- MORNING.
- OH, GOOD MORNING,
MISS BRAHMS.
DOES ANYONE KNOW,
IS IT BAD LUCK
TO PASS A THREE-LEGGED
CAT ON THE STAIRS?
OH, THE POOR THING.
I MUST GO AND HELP HER.
DON'T WORRY,
DON'T WORRY.
IT WAS ONLY
CHEWING GUM.
I PICKED HER UP
AND PULLED IT OFF.
LAST TIME I SAW HER,
SHE WAS SA
IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR
LOOKING AT HER BALD PATCH.
WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?
WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING
THE DEVELOPING SITUATION
BETWEEN HIM
AND MISS MOULTERD.
WE WERE THINKING
THAT ON THE ONE HAND,
IT HASN'T GONE VERY FAR,
BUT ON THE OTHER,
IT'S PROBABLY GONE
FAR ENOUGH.
WHAT'S THE LATEST?
WE DON'T KNOW.
APPARENTLY HE WAS
UP ALL NIGHT.
WAS HE?
AS A RESULT OF THE, UH,
THE OVER-VIGOROUS USE
OF HIS COCKTAIL SHAKER.
GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.
EXCUSE MY BARE FOOT.
ONE SLIPPER IS STUCK
ON THE THIRD STAIR
FROM THE TOP.
- CHEWING GUM?
- I'M AFRAID SO.
I HAD THE SAME TROUBLE
WITH MINE.
I HAD TO PU
A COLD PLASTER ON IT.
YOU'RE BAD.
COME ON.
WAKE UP,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
WAKE UP.
- ( LAUGHING )
- OH!
OH, WAKE UP!
YOUR PORRIDGE'LL
BE GETTING COLD.
OH!
OH, IT'S YOU,
THANK HEAVEN
FOR THAT.
OH, DO YOU KNOW,
THESE AMERICANS
HAVE BEEN GIVING ME
NIGHTMARES?
I DREAM
I WAS AT A GUNFIGH
AT THE O.K. CORRAL.
I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGH
THAT WAS IN YOUR NATURE,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
WELL, IT ISN'T,
MAVIS,
BUT THIS BIG COWBOY
JUST SAID TO ME,
"THIS TOWN ISN'T BIG
ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF US."
WELL, I TRIED
TO REASON WITH HIM.
I SUGGESTED WE GO
A LITTLE FLAT IN NEW YORK.
WELL, THAT SEEMED
TO ANTAGONIZE HIM.
HE UNBUTTONED HIS HOLSTER,
AND HE SAID,
"I'LL GO FOR MINE
AND YOU GO FOR YOURS."
I WAS JUST FEELING FOR I
WHEN YOU WOKE ME UP.
ALL THE AMERICANS
HAVE GONE.
SO YOU MUSTN'
LET THEM PLAY
ON YOUR MIND
NO MORE.
A NICE PLATE
OF PORRIDGE IS
WHAT YOU NEED.
AND WE'LL
HAVE TO GET SOME
BIGGER BLANKETS.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE?
- YOU KEEP DRAGGIN'
'EM OFF ME.
EVERY TIME I TRY
TO SNUGGLE UP CLOSE,
YOU TURN THE OTHER WAY.
I'M USED TO
SLEEPING ALONE.
WOULD YOU RATHER
I ASK CAPTAIN PEACOCK
IF I COULD BUNK UP
WITH HIM?
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
DO YOU THINK
HE'D MIND?
I THINK YOU'D BETTER GE
SOME BIGGER BLANKETS.
BY THE WAY,
HERE'S YOUR SLIPPERS.
THANK YOU.
WHERE DID YOU USED
TO SLEEP BEFORE I CAME?
WELL, I COULDN'T SLEEP
IN DAD'S COTTAGE,
THE NOISE THERE
WAS SOMETHIN' AWFUL.
- SNORING?
- UH WELL,
THAT AS WELL.
AND WHAT WITH THE COWS
ON THE OTHER SIDE,
I DIDN'T GET A WINK.
'COURSE IN THE SUMMER
I USED TO ENJOY CAMPIN' OUT.
SO DID I.
I WAS ALWAYS A BI
OF A TOMBOY.
SO WAS I.
HAVE YOU ANY SISTERS
OR BROTHERS?
WELL, NOT THAT I
KNOW OF, NO.
I'VE GO
A LOT OF UNCLES.
THEY USED TO VISI
ME MOTHER IN THE PARLOR
AFTER I'D GONE TO BED.
MOST OF THEM
WERE SAILORS.
FULL OF TATTOOS.
THERE WAS ONE OF THEM,
HE HAD A BIG TATTOO
RIGHT DOWN HIS BACK,
OF A HUNTING SCENE.
YOU COULD JUST SEE
THE TAIL OF THE FOX.
WELL, YOU CAN PU
ALL THAT BEHIND YOU,
- YOU'VE GO
A FAMILY NOW.
- WHAT?
WELL, THERE'S MRS. SLOCOMBE
AND CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
AND MISS BRAHMS.
THAT LOT'S
VERY FOND OF YOU,
AND SO AM I.
YOU CAN THINK OF ME
AS YOUR BIG SISTER.
IN FACT,
YOU CAN CALL ME
BIG SIS.
YOU CAN BE THE BROTHER
I NEVER HAD.
YEAH, I THINK
WE'LL KEEP IT THAT WAY.
AH, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
THERE'S A LETTER
FOR YOU.
OH. OH, THANK YOU,
MR. RUMBOLD.
OH, MISS BRAHMS,
I RECOGNIZE THE HANDWRITING.
IT'S FROM
MRS. AXELBY.
MRS. AXELBY?
I THOUGHT SHE WAS
MANAGING A BEACH CAFE
OUT IN TORREMOLINOS.
IT DIDN'T WORK OU
QUITE LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW
THAT SPANISH WAITER
SHE WAS
GOING OUT WITH?
WELL, HE DIDN'T OWN
THE PLACE,
AND NOW SHE'S MUCKING IN
AS A BEACH ATTENDANT.
LOOKS LIKE SHE'S
STILL DOING IT.
OH, I SAY,
THE POOR THING.
OOH, SHE'S SAVING UP
TO GET HOME.
SHE'S WORKING
ON A NUDE BEACH!
WITH VERY SMALL TIPS.
SHE'S SAYS IT'S
UP AND DOWN ALL DAY
- WITH THE UMBRELLAS.
- OH, FANCY.
OH, SHE SAYS IT'S
EVER SUCH HARD WORK,
GETTING ALL THOSE
MATTRESSES IN AT NIGHT.
WELL, YOU KNOW,
I WARNED HER.
BUT, YOU KNOW, SHE SHOULDN'
BE DOING ALL THAT BENDING.
NOT AFTER HER OPERATION.
NO.
AND NOT WITH ALL THEM
SPANIARDS ABOUT EITHER.
HERE, SHE HASN'T GO
TO BE NUDE AS WELL, HAS SHE?
OH NO, NOT MRS. AXELBY.
NOT WITH HER SKIN,
SHE'D BE RED RAW.
IT'S THE IRISH BLOOD,
YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, SHE COULD BE
COVERED IN CALAMINE LOTION,
AND STILL BLISTER
FROM HEAD TO FOOT.
EVEN IN WHITLEY BAY.
FUNNY YOU SHOULD
RECEIVE A LETTER
FROM AN OLD FRIEND.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK HAS
JUST HAD AN INVITATION
FOR AN OLD COMRADE'S
REUNION.
HE'S GONE UP
TO THE WRITING ROOM
TO REPLY ON
MILLSTONE MANOR
NOTEPAPER.
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
I THINK HE'S A BIT OF A SNOB.
WELL, I BLAME
HIS PARENTS
FOR SENDING HIM
TO READING GRAMMAR SCHOOL.
GOOD MORNING.
MR. RUMBOLD:
AH, MISS LOVELOCK,
PERHAPS
YOU'D COUNTERSIGN
THIS CHECK?
IT'S FROM
THE TOURIST OPERATOR
FOR THE AMERICAN
PARTY.
YOU'VE BEEN ASTRIDE
YOUR MOUNT AGAIN, HAVE YOU?
YES, DARLING.
HAD A TWO MILE GALLOP,
A COUPLE OF JUMPS,
AND A GENTLE CANTER BACK.
IT'S VERY GOOD
FOR THE MUSCLES,
ESPECIALLY THE BUST
IF YOU CATCH I
IN TIME.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
IT'S AS FIRM AS IT WAS
WHEN I WAS 16!
I'M SURE THERE MUST BE
DOZENS OF ERRAND BOYS
WHO ARE STILL ALIVE THA
COULD CONFIRM YOUR STORY.
DON'T DEMEAN YOURSELF,
MISS BRAHMS.
SHE'S NOT WORTH TELLING
TO GET STUFFED.
MISS LOVELOCK, NEXT TIME
YOU DECIDE TO JUMP A HEDGE,
WOULD YOU BEAR IN MIND
THAT THERE MIGHT BE SOMEONE
CROUCHING DOWN BEHIND IT?
OH, IT WAS YOU.
YOU GAVE MY HORSE
QUITE A FRIGHT.
I HAD STUFFED
ME PIPE,
AND I WAS OUT OF THE WIND
FLICKING ME ZIPPO.
WHAT EXACTLY'S THAT,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
OH, IT'S A LIGHTER
THAT CAN DO IT ANYWHERE.
IT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY THA
NICE AMERICAN GENTLEMAN,
MR. CONKLIN.
HE SAID IT WAS FOR THE MAN
WHO HAD EVERYTHING.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HE MEANT.
WELL, I'M GOING
INTO TOWN.
I'LL TAKE THIS TO THE BANK
AND PAY IT IN.
I SAY, AN EXTRAORDINARY
THING HAPPENED.
I WAS IN
THE WRITING ROOM,
LOOKING FOR SOME PAPER
TO REPLY TO A RATHER
IMPORTANT INVITATION
THAT I RECEIVED,
AND I OPENED THE DRAWER
OF THE BUREAU,
AND CAME ACROSS THIS.
MY HEAVENS!
A REVOLVER!
ACTUALLY, MR. RUMBOLD,
IT'S AN AUTOMATIC.
PERHAPS IT BELONGED
TO YOUNG MR. GRACE.
WHAT WOULD AN OLD GENTLEMAN
LIKE YOUNG MR. GRACE
BE DOING WITH A GUN?
PERHAPS HE WAS ON THE FIDDLE
WITH HIS V.A.T.?
- IS IT LOADED?
- I HAVEN'T LOOKED.
YOU KNOW, IT'S RATHER
LIKE THE LUGERS
WE USED TO TAKE OFF
THE GERMAN OFFICERS
IN THE WESTERN DESERT.
I SHOULDN'T FIDDLE WITH IT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- I'VE HAD MANY OF THESE
- ( GUN FIRES )
( SCREAMS )
YOU'VE SHO
MR. HUMPHRIES!
SAY SOMETHING,
MR. HUMPHRIES!
SAY SOMETHIN'!
ME PIPE'S GONE OUT.
MAKE I
A STRONG ONE, MAVIS,
WE'VE ALL HAD
A NASTY SHOCK.
OH, I THOUGH
MR. HUMPHRIES
WAS A GONER.
GOOD JOB IT ONLY HI
THAT BOTTLE OF GIN.
YES.
PITY IT WAS
A FULL ONE.
WILL YOU TAKE THIS IN
WHEN IT'S DONE?
I MUST GO AND HELP DAD
IN THE FIELDS.
RIGHT. NOW WOULD YOU
LIKE ANOTHER BRANDY,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
NO, I THINK FOUR
IS ENOUGH.
I DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD
THE POLICE TO COME HERE,
MR. RUMBOLD.
YOU SHOULD HAVE JUS
HANDED THE GUN IN
AND TOLD THEM WE FOUND IT.
'CAUSE WE DID.
WELL, I THINK HE DID
THE RIGHT THING.
THE POLICE
ARE VERY SENSITIVE
ABOUT GUNS THESE DAYS.
THEY'LL WANT TO KNOW HOW
IT GOT INTO THE DRAWER.
SOME TERRORIST MIGH
HAVE PUT IT THERE.
YES, AND AFTER ALL,
YOU-KNOW-WHO
LIVES NEARBY.
NO. WHO?
WELL, YOU
MAY NOT KNOW WHO,
BUT THOSE IN THE KNOW
WHO FOLLOW WHAT'S WHA
AND WHO'S WHO
WOULD KNOW WHO.
ARE WE SPEAKING
THE SAME LANGUAGE?
THERE ARE A LOT OF
BIG NOBS IN THIS COUNTY.
WITH ROYAL CONNECTIONS.
"I THINK ONE WILL GO
AND HAVE A GAME OF POLO"
I DIDN'T KNOW HE LIVED
ROUND THESE PARTS.
JUST OVER
THE HILL, DARLING.
- WHO'S OVER THE HILL?
- NOT YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WE WERE TALKING ABOU
OUR ROYAL NEIGHBOR.
OH, WELL, HE MIGHT BE
GETTING ON A BIT,
BUT SHE'S CERTAINLY
NOT OVER THE HILL.
I THINK
YOU'VE EXAGGERATED
THE IMPORTANCE
OF THE WHOLE THING,
MR. RUMBOLD.
AFTER ALL, THIS IS
A SIMPLE COUNTRY HOUSE
NEAR A SIMPLE
COUNTRY VILLAGE.
POLICEMAN PLOD WILL BE
ROUND ON HIS BICYCLE.
I EXPLAIN THAT I FOUND
THE PISTOL IN A DRAWER,
HE'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA,
THAT WILL BE THE END OF IT.
THERE'S NO NEED
TO MENTION YOU FIRED IT.
- I QUITE AGREE.
- IF HE'S NOT HERE SOON,
I'M GOING INTO TOWN.
( SIREN WAILING )
MY, MY.
SOUNDS AS IF THEY'VE
MANAGED TO FIND A CAR.
THEY'VE FOUND
A LOT OF CARS.
( POLICE RADIO CHATTER )
THIS IS THE POLICE!
I REPEAT,
THIS IS THE POLICE!
WE ARE ARMED,
AND YOU ARE SURROUNDED.
IT IS USELESS TO RESIST.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS
ABOVE YOUR HEAD!
WHAT EXACTLY
DID YOU TELL THEM
ON THE TELEPHONE,
MR. RUMBOLD?
I I'M TRYING
TO REMEMBER.
I THINK I SAID,
"THIS IS MILLSTONE MANOR.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK
HAS A LOADED GUN"
AND I WAS
ABOUT TO SAY,
"WHICH HE FOUND
IN A DRAWER OF THE BUREAU,"
WHEN THEY HUNG UP.
POLICEMAN:
CAN YOU HEAR ME, PEACOCK?
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS
ABOVE YOUR HEAD,
AND NO ONE
WILL GET HURT!
( WHIMPERS )
SHALL I OPEN THE DOOR,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
THEY THINK
YOU'RE A TERRORIST!
I THINK
YOU'D BETTER DO
AS THEY SAY.
WHAT IF THEY HAVE
A SHOOT TO KILL POLICY?
I'LL TELL THEM THA
THEY'VE MADE A MISTAKE.
YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK WILL COME OU
AND EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.
IF YOU PROMISE
NOT TO SHOOT HIM.
HE'S JUST PUTTING
HIS JACKET ON.
DON'T NO ONE MOVE!
SO MUCH FOR
DAD?
DAD!
WHAT'S UP NOW?
WELL, THERE'S BEEN
A BIG BANG AT THE MANOR.
SMOKE'S COMIN' OU
OF THE WINDOW.
AH, I EXPECT THAT'S
MR. HUMPHRIES WITH HIS PIPE.
HE DON'T KNOW
HOW TO CONTROL IT.
DAD.
THE DRIVE'S FULL
OF POLICE CARS.
OH, WE'D BETTER GET BACK.
HANG ON TIGHT, I'M GONNA GIVE
THE TRACTOR SOME WELLIE.
( SCREAMS )
RIGHT.
HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEADS,
SPREAD YOUR LEGS.
I NEVER THOUGH
I'D HEAR THA
IN THE COUNTRY.
THAT MEANS
YOU AT THE END,
YOU AS WELL.
THIS IS AS FAR APAR
AS THEY GO.
RIGHT, NONE OF YOU MOVE
TILL I TELL YOU.
WHICH ONE OF YOU
IS CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
FRISK HIM.
- HE'S CLEAN.
- SIT HIM IN THIS CHAIR.
- COME ON.
- ( WHIMPERS )
SO, YOU'D TAKEN THIS LO
HOSTAGE, HAD YOU?
OH, CERTAINLY NOT.
THEY'RE MY FRIENDS.
OH, I SEE.
YOU'RE ALL IN I
TOGETHER, ARE YOU?
YOU'VE GOT QUITE
THE WRONG IDEA,
INSPECTOR.
YOU SEE, WE'VE ALL
SERVED TOGETHER
FOR AT LEAS
15 YEARS.
OH, DONE TIME, HAVE YA?
GOT FORM.
MAY I SAY SOMETHING?
FRISK HIM.
HE'S GOT A BULGE
IN HIS POCKET.
THAT'S MY MY PIPE!
PLEASE!
- ( LAUGHING )
- GET YOUR HANDS UP!
OH, GET OFF!
THEY'RE VERY THOROUGH,
AREN'T THEY?
- IT IS HIS PIPE, SIR.
- I SAID IT WAS,
DIDN'T I?
MISS BRAHMS,
DO YOU THINK THEY'RE
GOING TO FRISK US?
I'D LIKE
TO SEE 'EM TRY.
TAKE A NOTE, COLIN.
ONE OF HIS MOLLS ADOPTED
A THREATENING ATTITUDE.
PERHAPS I MIGHT SAY
SOMETHING.
I WAS THE ONE WHO
MADE THE PHONE CALL.
I KNOW. YOU SAID
THERE WAS AN ARMED MAN
LOOSE IN THE HOTEL.
THAT'S NOT QUITE
HOW I PUT IT.
I MERELY WANTED TO NOTIFY YOU
THAT CAPTAIN PEACOCK
HAD FOUND A GUN
IN AN UPSTAIRS DESK.
WE WISHED TO HAND IT OVER
TO THE POLICE.
- WELL, HERE IT IS.
- GUN, SIR!
SPREAD THEM LEGS, BUDDY,
AND NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
IT'D BE RATHER DIFFICULT.
- GET HIS GUN!
- OH, LET HIM HAVE IT,
MR. RUMBOLD.
( GUN FIRES )
THAT'S THE SECOND
BOTTLE OF GIN.
DAD! THEY'VE SHO
MR. HUMPHRIES AGAIN!
AND THERE'S SMOKE
EVERYWHERE!
FIRE! FIRE!
FIRE! FIRE!
IT'S NOT A FIRE,
YOU STUPID
- YOU STUPID
- I'LL GIVE YOU THE STRAP.
LOOK AT ALL THAT!
HURRY UP WITH
THAT TEA, MAVIS.
THEY'VE ALL BEEN
CROSS-EXAMINED
IN THE HALL.
I'M MAKING
A STRONG ONE
FOR THE INSPECTOR.
YOU GIVE HIM
A MOUTHFUL OF FOAM
AND IT DON'T TASTE
VERY NICE.
I DON'T THINK
I'M VERY POPULAR
AROUND HERE.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
AND THERE WASN'
EVEN A FIRE.
MAYBE NOT.
BUT THAT INSPECTOR
WERE PUT OUT.
NOW, LISTEN,
YOU TWO,
I WASN'
BORN YESTERDAY.
ME AND MY SERGEAN
ARE WITNESSES TO THE FAC
THAT YOU INCITED THIS MAN
TO ATTEMPTED MURDER!
BUT I DIDN'T.
REALLY, I DIDN'T.
YOU HAD A NOTE OF
WHAT HE SAID, COLIN?
YES, SIR.
HE SAID LOUD AND CLEAR:
"LET HIM HAVE IT,
MR. RUMBOLD."
LOOK, ALL HE MEAN
WAS GIVE HIM THE GUN.
ANYBODY WITH HALF
AN EYE COULD SEE
THAT MR. HUMPHRIES IS A VERY
MILD-MANNERED GENTLEMAN
WHO WOULDN'T INCITE
ANYBODY TO DO ANYTHING.
NOT THAT, ANYWAY.
NEVERTHELESS HE UTTERED
THOSE VERY WORDS.
"LET HIM HAVE IT,
MR. RUMBOLD."
WHEREUPON YOU POINTED
THE GUN IN MY DIRECTION
- AND PULLED THE TRIGGER.
- AS A MATTER OF FACT,
YOUR SERGEAN
PULLED THE TRIGGER,
- AS HE WAS TRYING
TO TAKE IT OFF ME.
- HO, HO, HO, HO, HO.
I SUPPOSE YOU'LL
TELL THE JURY
THAT WE TRIED
TO FIT YOU UP?
IT WON'T WASH, MY SON,
YOU'RE IN IT UP TO HERE.
NOW, LET'S GET BACK
TO SQUARE ONE.
YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
YOU ARE ASKING ME TO BELIEVE
THAT YOU FOUND THIS GUN,
IN A DRAWER,
IN THE WRITING ROOM?
- THAT IS CORRECT.
- I SUPPOSE YOU'LL
TELL ME
YOU DIDN'T KNOW
IT WAS A RUSSIAN GUN?
DOES A NACKEROFF
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
I SHOULD THINK
IT'D MEAN QUITE A LOT.
JUST WHA
ARE YOU IMPLYING?
DID YOU KNOW
THAT THIS MAKE OF GUN
WAS A FAVORITE WEAPON
OF THE RUSSIAN
SECRET SERVICE?
I'M REFERRING, OF COURSE,
TO THE KAY-GAY-BAY.
BEG YOUR PARDON?
HE MEANS THE KGB.
AH! SO YOU SPEAK
THE LANGUAGE?
IF I MAY SAY SO,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK THOUGH
IT WAS SIMILAR TO A LUGER.
HE SAID SO BEFORE I
WENT OFF THE FIRST TIME.
NOW WE'RE GETTING
DOWN TO IT.
YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
FIRED THE SAID GUN
BEFORE WE ENTERED
THE PREMISES.
BIT OF A QUARREL
AMONGST THE GANG,
WAS THERE?
WE ARE NOT A GANG!
AS IT HAPPENS, WE ALL
WORKED IN THE SAME DEPARTMENT.
MR. RUMBOLD WAS
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD,
AND I WAS
HIS SECOND IN COMMAND,
SO TO SPEAK.
I WAS ON THE COUNTER.
- ESPIONAGE?
- Y-FRONTS.
I SEE.
A SECRET SALE SET UP
TO DESTABILIZE
DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENTS.
- OH, GOD.
- SECOND BULLET'S
OVER HERE, SIR,
- BEHIND THE BAR.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
IT WENT BETWEEN
MR. HUMPHRIES
AND MYSELF
AND BROKE
A BOTTLE OF GIN.
WHICH OF YOU
WAS IT MEANT FOR?
- IF I MAY SAY SO
- SHUT UP, YOU.
YOU'VE GOT A POSH ACCENT.
WERE YOU AT CAMBRIDGE?
I HAD A BRIEF SPELL
AT THE HABERDASHER'S THERE.
HABERDASHERS. YEAH.
THAT'S ONE OF THEM
PUBLIC SCHOOLS, ISN'T IT?
DOES THE NAME BLUN
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
OR BURGESS OR MACLEAN?
THEY WERE A PRETTY
PECULIAR BUNCH.
VERY PECULIAR.
YOU. YOU LOOK
LIKE THE CAMBRIDGE TYPE.
WERE YOU THERE AS WELL?
- WERE YOU TURNED?
- NOT AT CAMBRIDGE.
WELL, WHO'S FOR TEA?
YOU COULD DO WITH IT,
ALL OF YOU
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
TO MR. HUMPHRIES?
YOU GET OFF OF HIM!
- ARE YOU HIS GIRLFRIEND?
- CERTAINLY NOT.
- WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.
- WOULD COMRADES BE
NEARER TO THE MARK?
YOU CAN CALL I
WHAT YOU LIKE,
BUT HE'S
A PERFECT GENTLEMAN
AND WOULDN'T DO
NOTHING TO NOBODY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THA
DOES FOR MY REPUTATION,
BUT THANK YOU.
DON'T LE
THAT TEA
GET COLD.
THAT'S THE PRINTOU
OF THE BACKGROUNDS
THERE.
GOOD, THIS IS A LIFE HISTORY
OF ALL OF YOU FROM DAY ONE.
ALL EXCEP
MRS. SLOCOMBE, SIR.
THE RECORDS DON'
GO BACK THAT FAR.
WELL, THERE
DON'T APPEAR TO BE
ANY POLITICAL
AFFILIATIONS HERE.
YOU ALL APPEAR TO BE
WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE.
WHAT BORING LIVES
YOU'VE ALL LED
EXCEPT YOU.
RIGHT.
THAT LEAVES US
WITH TWO
STRAIGHTFORWARD CASES
OF ATTEMPTED MURDER,
AND ONE NASTY CASE
OF INCITEMEN
TO KILL A POLICEMAN.
UH, UH, COULD I HAVE
A WORD IN PRIVATE, SIR?
UH, ALL RIGHT.
STEP OUTSIDE
INTO THE LOBBY.
COLIN?
NONE OF YOU MOVE.
I FEEL LIKE
A WET RAG.
FANCY TRYING TO LIKEN ME
WITH BLUNT, AND BURGESS,
AND MACLEAN.
WELL, IN MY OPINION,
HE'S OVERSTEPPED HIS AUTHORITY
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THAT.
THE POLICE ARE A FUNNY LOT.
REMEMBER HOW THEY
ROUGHED YOU UP
WHEN YOU WOULDN'T GET OUT OF
THAT DODGEM CAR IN BLACKPOOL?
I WAS IMMOBILIZED
HALFWAY THROUGH THE RIDE
WITH A STUCK PEDAL.
I SAID I WASN'
GOING TO PAY,
AND I DIDN'T.
NO, BUT YOU PAID
THE MAGISTRATE,
DIDN'T YOU?
40 SHILLINGS,
WASN'T IT?
OH, YES,
BUT THAT WAS FOR
HITTING THE POLICEMAN
WITH MY HANDBAG.
WELL, WE'D BETTER NO
MENTION THAT.
IT'S HERE,
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
AND THE SOHO AFFAIR
WHEN YOU KNOCKED
THE POLICEMAN'S HELMET OFF.
THAT WAS A HANDBAG AS WELL.
DOES IT SAY IN THERE
ABOUT HOW YOU THREW YOURSELF
ONTO THE KING'S HORSE
WITH MRS. PANKHURST?
DON'T BE CHEEKY,
MISS BRAHMS.
THOSE WERE MINOR OFFENSES,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
THEY'RE TRYING TO CHARGE ME
WITH ATTEMPTED MURDER!
I'VE NEVER EVEN HAD
A PARKING TICKET.
OH NO?
WOULD YOU BY ANY CHANCE BE
THE SAME "KNUCKLES" RUMBOLD
LEADER OF
A ROLLER SKATING GANG,
SUSPECTED OF STEALING
TWO GRAPEFRUI
AND A COX'S ORANGE PIPPIN
FROM RUMFORD HIGH STREE
IN 1947?
GOOD HEAVENS,
IS THAT THERE?
AND IT SEEMS
THAT THE NORTH ACTON
PUBLIC LIBRARY
IS STILL AWAITING THE RETURN
OF LOLITA, FANNY HILL,
AND FLY FISHING
BY J.R. HARTLEY.
THAT'S WHERE IT WENT.
THERE'S NO PRIVACY
IN ONE'S LIFE AT ALL,
IS THERE?
I'M SURPRISED
THAT THERE'S NO MENTION
OF MR. HUMPHRIES.
OH, BUT THERE IS.
PAGES OF IT.
STARTING FROM THE DAY
THAT HE WAS FOUND
ON THE DOORSTEP.
AN ABANDONED BABY?
I WASN'T ABANDONED.
MY MOTHER PUT ME OU
INSTEAD OF THE CAT.
SHE WAS GOING THROUGH
VERY EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS
AT THE TIME.
ANYWAY, NEXT DOOR'S
ALSATIAN CAME
AND CARRIED ME OFF
AND LOOKED AFTER ME
FOR A DAY OR TWO.
THEN I CRAWLED BACK.
I DIDN'T LIKE THE DOG BISCUITS
HE WAS GIVING ME.
RIGHT, YOU'LL BE PLEASED
TO HEAR, MR. RUMBOLD,
THAT THERE SEEMS
TO BE ROOM
FOR REASONABLE DOUB
ABOUT YOUR CASE.
APPARENTLY, THE SERGEAN
MIGHT HAVE HAD HIS FINGER
IN THE TRIGGER GUARD
NEAR THE TIME WHEN
THE WEAPON WAS DISCHARGED.
SO WE WON'T PROCEED
WITH THAT MATTER.
- WHAT A RELIEF.
- WHAT ABOUT ME?
YOU CAN
HARDLY CHARGE HIM
WITH INCITING A CRIME
THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
YOU COULD'VE DONE.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY,
THESE DAYS,
YOU CAN'T RELY
ON A JURY
TO COME TO
A SENSIBLE CONCLUSION.
CAN WE CONSIDER
THE WHOLE MATTER CLOSED?
NO, WE CANNOT.
A GUN WAS PRODUCED,
THE SHOT WAS FIRED BEFORE WE
ENTERED THE PREMISES.
WE STILL HAVE
THE POSSIBILITY
OF ATTEMPTED MURDER
ON OUR HANDS.
THERE'S ONE THING
YOU'VE FORGOTTEN, INSPECTOR,
ONE SMALL DETAIL
THAT YOU'VE OVERLOOKED.
A DETAIL
WITHOUT WHICH
YOUR CASE
WILL COLLAPSE
IN DUS
ABOUT YOUR FEET.
AND WHAT IS THAT,
MISS MARPLES?
NO MOTIVE.
WELL, FOR INSTANCE,
THERE IS SUCH A THING
AS A CRIME OF PASSION.
CRIME OF PASSION?
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
THAT BULLE
NARROWLY MISSED ME.
ANYTHING BETWEEN YOU TWO
THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?
BOTH:
CERTAINLY NOT!
IT ALSO, SIR,
JUST MISSED THAT LADY
WHO'S RECLINING ON
THE SOFA OVER THERE.
"MISS LOVECOCK."
LOVELOCK.
YOUR WRITING,
COLIN.
I HAVE NO REASON
TO SHOOT MISS LOVELOCK.
IN FACT, WE GET ON
EXTREMELY WELL TOGETHER.
MAYBE HER AND MR. HUMPHRIES
GOT ON EXTREMELY WELL TOGETHER,
AND YOU WANTED TO GET RID
OF A YOUNGER RIVAL.
ACTUALLY, I'M NO
ALL THAT MUCH YOUNGER.
IT'S JUST THAT I'VE ALWAYS
HAD A VERY GOOD SKIN.
HE'S NOT AFTER
MISS LOVELOCK.
HE'S TOO BUSY
BUNKING UP
WITH MAVIS MOULTERD.
I'VE TOLD YOU ALL BEFORE,
IT'S PERFECTLY INNOCENT.
SHE DOESN'T LIKE SLEEPING
WITH HER FATHER
BECAUSE OF
THE FARMYARD NOISES.
AND SHE USED TO SLEEP
WITH THE CHEF,
AND I TOOK OVER
WHERE HE LEFT OFF.
WHERE DID HE
LEAVE OFF?
I DON'T KNOW.
HE'D GONE BY THE TIME
I ARRIVED.
PERHAPS I COULD EXPLAIN
ONE OR TWO POINTS.
THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON
BETWEEN CAPTAIN PEACOCK
AND MISS LOVELOCK.
SHE DOESN'T EVEN SLEEP
IN THE HOUSE,
SHE SLEEPS IN
THE GROOM'S QUARTERS.
I'VE GOT AN ARAB THERE.
ANYWAY,
WE WOULD KNOW
IF HE GOT UP
TO ANYTHING
IN THE NIGHT,
'CAUSE ME
AND MRS. SLOCOMBE
SLEEP NEXT TO HIM.
- WHAT, THE ARAB?
- NO.
- CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- HE'S A STALLION.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
NO, THE ARAB.
IT'S AN 'ORSE!
A NORWEGIAN?
FROM IRELAND,
ACTUALLY.
LET ME SEE IF
I'VE GOT THIS RIGHT:
MR. HUMPHRIES
IS SLEEPING
WITH THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER,
MISS LOVELOCK SLEEPS
WITH THE GROOM
AND AN IRISH ARAB,
AND CAPTAIN PEACOCK
SLEEPS
WITH MRS. SLOCOMBE
AND MISS BRAHMS.
IS THAT RIGHT?
IT'LL DO FOR NOW.
I THINK, SIR,
THAT, UH,
YOU'RE GETTING INTO
RATHER DEEP WATER HERE.
I DON'T KNOW IF
ANYONE'S INTERESTED,
BUT I GOT A NICE,
BIG BUN IN THE OVEN.
GET IN THE CAR, COLIN.
NEXT TIME YOU LO
FIND A GUN IN A DRAWER,
DON'T CALL THE POLICE,
CALL THE ARMY.
AND TELL 'EM TO BRING
A SOCIAL WORKER AND A PRIEST!
I THINK THAT WENT OFF WELL,
DON'T YOU?
IS HE GONE?
YES, HE WAS
VERY CONFUSED.
DRAT!
I'VE BEEN KEEPING THIS
BLUNDERBUSS UNDER ME BED.
OH, DAD, YOU STILL
GOT THAT OLD THING?
USED TO BELONG
TO GRAMPAR.
I THOUGHT PERHAPS
I'D BETTER HAND IT IN.
OH, QUICK THEN,
YOU MIGHT JUS
CATCH HIM.
OOH, AH, OOH, AH!
( GUNSHOT )
- IT WERE LOADED!
- INSPECTOR: THIS IS
THE POLICE!
THE HOUSE
IS SURROUNDED,
COME OU
WITH YOUR HANDS UP!
I THINK WE'LL LEAVE YOU
TO DEAL WITH THIS ONE,
MR. MOULTERD.
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )