Ballers (2015) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Kane is in the building, nigga (MUSIC PLAYING) Now tell me how you love it, you know you at the top When only heaven's right above it, we on 'Cause we on Who else is really trying to fuck with Hollywood Cole? I'm with Marley G, bro Flying Hollygrove chicks to my Hollywood shows And I wanna tell you something that you probably should know This that "Slumdog Millionaire" Bollywood flow And, uh My real friends never hearing from me Fake friends write the wrong answers on the mirror for me That's why I pick and choose, I don't get shit confused Don't like my women single, I like my chicks in twos And these days all the girls is down to roll I hit the strip club and all them bitches find the pole Plus, I been sippin', so this shit is movin' kinda slow Just tell my girl to tell her friend that it's time to go.
Let me see you rock, Lil' Sally Let me see you rock, Lil' Sally Let me see you pop, Lil' Sally Let me see you pop, Lil' Sally Let me see you twerk, Lil' Sally What's up? Nice to see you.
- (LAUGHS) - How you doing, Joe? - How are you? - Looking good.
Looking good.
Hi.
- My man.
- What's going on? - It's good to see you, Suh.
- You as well, man.
Always a pleasure.
Brother, you are looking sharp.
My tailor took good care of you, I see.
There's no question he definitely took care of me.
(LAUGHS) You got to meet my right-hand man, Victoria.
- Victoria, it's a pleasure.
- All mine.
Victoria, I'm Joe, Spencer's right-hand woman.
- That's a sweet fizzboat, Suh.
- Man, I appreciate it.
You know we had to come in a little bit of style.
Yeah, you did.
You did it.
- All right, well, show's yours, brother.
- Let's go.
Enjoy.
- Man of the hour.
- (CHEERING) (MUSIC PLAYING) - Big day, man.
- Congrats.
Thank you.
This place looks great.
When you address the crowd today, make sure that you thank the mayor because he pulled a lot of strings putting this entire deal together.
Um, I don't have to do any speeches, do I? - He doesn't do speeches.
- No, it's nothing.
You just get up there, you thank everybody, all that shit.
I said he doesn't do speeches.
Yeah, I'm not really a big fan of public speaking.
All right.
Looks like you're up.
- No, I'm not up.
- (LAUGHS) Not my restaurant.
It's your restaurant, big man.
- Come on, you can do it.
- All right, all right.
I'll do it, then.
You know I love to riff.
Thank you, everybody, for attending the family and friends opening of the best new restaurant in Miami, Suh Casa.
(CHEERING) Yeah.
We are incredibly honored to have such distinguished guests with us here this afternoon.
We have some very old friends and we and (CROWD MURMURING) You know who that is? We also have some new partners.
Anyway, the point is, many of you have had tremendous impact on the success of this fine establishment.
But true to form, only one man in particular has had the most impact.
He is a friend, a foodie, a businessman.
He is the league's most fearsome teddy bear, ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Ndamukong Suh.
- (CHEERING) - Suh! Suh! This is his house.
Let the man hear you.
- Thank the mayor.
- The mayor.
And Mayor Regalado.
Thank you, Mayor, for everything.
- JOE: Four more years! - Four more years.
I can't believe Andre had the nerve to show up.
Probably on his way to dinner with the governor.
Yeah, I hope he fucking chokes.
Healthy attitude, Spencer.
(MUSIC PLAYING) All right, brother, see you.
Come on, give me a little smile.
A sexy new client, you got rich and important people here.
- You've arrived.
- I'm doing okay.
I don't think I'll ever have a 40-story building like you.
- You know I like to cast a long shadow.
- Yeah.
If I wasn't so enamored with representing star athletes like yourself, I might run for president.
I might move to fucking France.
Well, you better stop shaving down there because they like it hairy.
Sorry about bringing the Sizz along.
I know you got a little bad blood, but he's my favorite party companion.
Ladies love him.
Whatever you got to do to get an edge, Andre.
That's it.
Got to roll.
Got the governor waiting.
He gets all whiny on me when I'm late.
It was a pleasure seeing you.
You gonna keep me hanging? ANDERSON: So, Suh Casa.
It ought to be a big hit, huh? What's up, big dog? How you doing, man? - What's up, Glaze? - Jay.
- Hey, buddy.
- Spencer's taking the town by storm.
Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't you put him on your show? You know what, man? We've been friends for, what, 10 years? - Yeah.
- That's the only thing he won't do.
Yeah, yeah, we'll do it.
We'd love to.
We're not gonna do it.
No, I'm terrible at press.
You guys know that.
No, I make Marshawn Lynch sound like John F.
Kennedy.
Don't be ridiculous.
You got to put yourself out there.
- Man up, man.
Be brave.
- JAY: What's the worst that's gonna happen? I'm not gonna dredge up your checkered past.
Hell, I'm part of it.
I just want our business acumen to do all the talking.
Don't worry about it.
If Jay starts asking about derivatives, I'll bail you out.
You afraid I'm gonna get caught with my pants down? Actually, that's a very good way to attract female clients.
And female viewers for Jay, right? Ladies 68-93, they love you.
You're huge.
Dude, I promise I will be gentle.
Okay, I'll do it.
If I get caught with my pants down, though, I'm charging you extra.
It's coming out of your account.
Yeah, work it out.
You discounted me last time.
That is wrong.
This is gonna be great.
See you there.
Buh-bye.
Holy shit, man! I love his show.
I've never been on TV before.
This is gonna be amazing.
What do I wear? - (GAS HISSING) - (GRUNTS) You only want 30 people at your 30th birthday party? That's my hook.
30 for 30.
31.
I'm bringing a date.
You ain't got no date, Dennis.
Your woman put you on the street.
Bet your ass I'm bringing one tomorrow.
I don't know why the fuck you even want to go, Dennis.
There's no DJ, no dance floor, no love pond, no shot luge, no hos.
No hos, Dennis.
T, come on, man.
Respect the ladies.
Sorry, man.
Look, I'm glad you've cleaned up your image, stayed out of trouble, had an All-Pro season.
But shit's gotten dull since you decided to grow up.
You should try it.
- 36 degrees.
- Yeah.
What are you, Walt Disney all of a sudden? Cryotank helps with the bounce back, Dennis.
All I had in my day was Miller Lite and butes.
You know they give that shit to horses now, right? - Always was a thoroughbred.
- I've recovered the clean way.
Became a law-abiding citizen and earned every dollar I got coming.
Dolphins should be backing up that money truck any day now.
- Beep-beep.
- Right.
I hope they carrying 30 million over three years or you getting seriously punked.
(CHEERING) Look at this.
- What's up, fellas? - Hey, man.
Look at this.
- Looking good, man.
- Here he comes.
Hey, 2015 Salesman of the Month, Charles Greene.
- Good to see you.
- Not a bad left tackle either.
- Hey, Kiki's with you.
- Kiki.
What a pretty baby.
- How you doing, sweetie? - Hope y'all don't mind.
The wife had a shift at the hospital.
No, no, no, it's no trouble at all.
I really don't even know why you need me out here.
You got all the Dolphins legends out.
You kidding me? You're the new fan favorite.
Look at them over there.
Man, I nearly shit when you recovered that fumble for a score.
- You saw that? - Absolutely.
The Black Swan was soaring high again.
- (SQUAWKING) - (CROWD CHEERING) See? See? Hi, everybody.
Welcome to my new show live here in Miami, "Glazed and Confused.
" I'm your host Jay Glazer.
Spence, tried to get you out here a bunch as a football player, but now different role as a financial advisor.
Your star is on the rise again.
We're trying to make good things happen for our clients.
Tell everybody what you've been up to.
- Well, what - We manage football players for Anderson Sports Management.
(CHUCKLES) We handle finances.
- We put together deals.
- Like Suh Casa.
- Great name, by the way.
- Thank you.
- Ceviche, not so much.
- (LAUGHS) The primary goal of the company is just to make sure that the players have the attention that they need and make sure that they have the financial security come retirement.
And, more importantly than that, once the pads come off, the quality of life should only be on the rise.
With that, we will switch gears and go to a little football here.
Another strip-o-gram.
He loves them, by the way.
I hope it's a Ray Lewis strip-o-gram.
That would be insane.
You're close.
It's his former teammate.
Somebody who asked to come on the show the other night at your little shindig.
One of the best linebackers in the National Football League, T-Sizzle, Terrell Suggs.
Whoo! Look at him on his little scooter over there.
- What's up, big dog? How you doing, man? - What's up, Jay? Thank you for joining us.
Calm down, Joe.
Ain't gonna be no stripping here today.
That's lucky for us.
One thing you forgot to mention in the difference between me and old Strasmore here.
What's that? When I get back, I'm still gonna be one of the best linebackers in the league.
Why do you guys have so much animosity for two guys who played on the same side of the ball? You're the one who wanted to come on the show.
Yeah, I did.
We talk trash to each other, but it's all part of the game.
Bullshit.
Truth be told, I wouldn't even have a problem with you if you didn't post that shit on Twitter back in the day.
No, no, that was a complete accident.
Twitter was new at that time.
I was just getting the hang of it.
- Plus I got these big-ass thumbs.
- (LAUGHS) You posted some asinine shit about me being more concerned with my stats than I was winning.
That was totally meant to be a private message - just between me and you.
- Oh.
- Just between me and you.
- Oh, okay.
But truth is, you do hype your stats a lot all the time.
You can check the standings, old man.
Yeah, we both got rings, but I'm the only one left still chasing number two.
That's very clever and under 140 characters.
Comedian, everybody.
Showtime at the Apollo over here.
(LAUGHS) No, look, at the end of the day, there's gonna be a time where you're gonna be retired and you can't play anymore.
What are you gonna do? You gonna go back to school? You already got a PhD in talking shit.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Our boy just put the verbal smackdown on Sizzle.
Hey, that's the Spencer we love.
- Come on, man.
- Come on, baby.
- Hey, Spencer.
- What are you doing to us, Larry? A lot of mouths to feed this off-season.
Where's ownership on this? We're eye to eye.
Not a lot of wiggle room.
Let's hear your first offer.
Wait, hold up.
Let me get my bottle of champagne ready.
- All right, go ahead.
- 12 million over two years.
Six of it's guaranteed and we'll add performance and team-based incentives.
Are you fucking kidding me? 12 over two? - Plus incentives.
- Incentives are gravy.
The guy deserves at least 10 a year for 3, all right? Why don't you drive on over to Ricky's house and start packing his bags for him right now? - I knew you wouldn't be happy.
- I am miserable.
- What are you guys doing over there? - Jason.
Don't you fucking Jason me, all right? I'm not hearing those cap excuses and I'm sure as fuck not bringing this bullshit offer to my client.
Find the money or I'm putting Ricky on tour.
And something happened to piss you off, too, because you got up and fought the entire Ravens bench.
Their fullback tried to cut block me.
Tried to end my career.
- Who do you think told him to do it? - Shit, it wasn't me.
"That one's for Sizz, bitch.
" Yeah, were his exact words.
Eeeh.
And as always, his mouth wrote a check that his ass couldn't cash.
- Bullshit.
- If I were your financial manager, I would tell you to shut it for once and just play ball.
You know what, Strasmore? You forget about getting in the Hall.
You were a dirty player and you was weak as fuck.
- Wow, I'm a fucking dirty player? - Yeah.
That's a lot coming from the dirtiest player in the game.
Maybe if you're lucky, they'll put your washed-up ass in the asshole accountants' hall of fame.
But let's just be honest, you're just as overrated at your new job as you was at your last one.
- Wow, overrated? I'm an asshole? - Over-fucking-rated.
You need to turn your fucking hearing aid up or come closer so I can speak it to you clearly.
- I'll be happy to come closer.
- No, no, no, Spence, Spence.
You know it's not the time or the place.
It is the time and the place.
Spence, Spence, Spence, Spence! - Spence, Spence, Spence! - Oh! What the fuck, Spence? I don't need ratings this bad.
- Roll it! - You want some of this? JAY: Somebody get him off him.
Get him off him now.
(BLEEPING ON TV) Spencer done lost his shit.
JAY: Come on, Sizz, get the (BLEEP) off him.
Ain't he a little too old for this kind of thing? Are you out of your (BLEEP) mind? You know what Harbaugh's gonna say to you? Hoo-hoo-hoo! That was way better than talking about derivatives.
Fucking Sizzle.
Oh, God damn it, I'm jacked up right now.
Is this what the adrenaline thing is like? Man, I feel like getting hammered right now.
Motherfuck me! You all right? Yeah, yeah, fucking fantastic, Joe.
Really.
It was a great idea and I'm glad I agreed to do it.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Fuck! (PANTING) All right, Dolphin fan all your life? - Hell, yeah.
- All right, good man.
There's a logo on there.
I like that.
There you go.
Jackie and Tamika.
Great meeting you.
- Thanks.
- Hey, stay away from football players.
- Okay.
- (HORN HONKS) Hey, baby.
Hey.
One second.
Hell of a day, fellas.
- Yeah.
- All right, now.
Coach, I guess I'll be seeing you at mini-camp.
- Uh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Speaking of which, you got any idea when Siefert and Berg are making calls? - Shouldn't be long.
- It's gonna be a great year.
I can feel it.
Be so nice to go out on another championship.
Elway style, you know? Give me some.
- Huh.
- Should be a great season.
- All right.
- Take care, Dwight.
Um, probably gonna be some changes this summer.
What do you mean? Well, they'll talk to you about it.
I just didn't want you walking into a buzz saw.
You're a good man.
Bye, Kiki.
See you later.
Why the hell would you run this game? Both my hands are tied Afraid of thinking I dug my own grave Fuck around with this strange - Morning, Sofia.
- Good morning.
(EXHALES) Hey, Spencer.
Old man's here to see you.
Okay.
Maybe I'll come back.
ANDERSON: Spencer, get in here! (CHUCKLES) Oh.
There he is.
Good morning, Mr.
Anderson.
Love what you've done with the place.
Ah, thank you.
Thank you.
You know, that ball you're holding is a collector's item.
Really? Coach Gruden gave me that 2002 NFC Championship Game.
- Did he? - Yeah.
Did Gruden also teach you to go apeshit on Jay Glazer's show? - I was ambushed.
- Really? You were having a conversation on television.
People do that 24 hours, seven days a week.
They don't go physically attacking each other unless it's Jerry Springer.
(DOOR SLAMS) I trusted you with this division, Spencer, and all you've got to show for it is one new client and a restaurant.
It's not enough.
Can I tell you something? It's not enough.
This football code of ethics of yours, it's costing me business.
I got multiple calls from new York.
Multiple.
If it's one thing I fucking hate, it's calls from New York.
I moved to paradise to get away from those assholes in New York.
I understand.
I'm sorry.
- I know it was a bad look, Mr.
Anderson.
- Yeah.
And it's why I didn't want to go on the air in the first place.
And you were the one who put me up to it.
You blaming me for you acting like a psychopath? No, no.
Our registration is in jeopardy now.
Did you know that? I did and I apologize for embarrassing the company, embarrassing myself, embarrassing you.
I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.
(SCOFFS) You can't act on every little impulse you have.
You represent something more now, okay? Something more sophisticated.
You're the boss here.
Of all these people.
They look up to you.
They follow you.
So stop acting like a caveman and show some (SIGHS) show some leadership.
Fuck! I get it.
I get it.
That is great to hear.
You have a wonderful day.
(LAUGHS) All right.
Do me a favor.
Stab me in the face with this.
- Please.
- What's up? Dolphins, they're close to being done with Ricky.
- You better call him.
- What, and ruin the guy's birthday? What is wrong with you, Spencer? The subtle nuance of client management used to be your best weapon.
Now you're trying to blow up Ricky's day, settle old scores on TV.
I don't know who you are.
- Hey, Sizzle had it coming.
- You don't actually believe that.
He's been talking shit for years.
Exactly, he was talking trash.
You went after him like a mad dog.
Have you ever heard of transference? - Only in banking.
- It goes something like this.
Every time I scream at my therapist, he tells me I'm angry at my mother.
You are angry at your mother.
She's dating a 15-year-old.
Right, which is why I scream at him.
But he says I'm not really screaming at him, I am actually screaming at her.
Do you hear yourself right now? It's psychobabble.
That fight wasn't about Sizzle.
- Well, it wasn't about my mother.
- It was about Andre.
See, he's the one that convinced you to gamble on that god-awful real estate deal, forced you to play an extra year in the league just to get out of the red.
Look, I hate to pick at an old wound.
I'm just saying if there's somebody that you need to be going after, it ain't Sizzle.
How much you gonna charge me for this right now? First session is free.
Second time we can negotiate.
(MUSIC PLAYING) We want bottles of Perrier-Jouët over here.
And we want a caviar bar over there.
Now, I told these ladies we don't want any Mozart or Vivaldi jams.
We want straight up hip-hop.
Ladies? (MUSIC CHANGES) Ah! They call me TTD because it's time to dance.
Unh! Unh! Let me clear my throat.
Whoo, boy, you looking fresh.
Uncomfortable, but fresh.
Shit, I'm glad you think so.
I got a Tom Ford waiting for your ass upstairs.
Man, don't make me do that, please.
I ain't having you look like a hobo in front of the team owner.
Get your black ass upstairs and apply some soap.
Crystal crown looking DENNIS: Richard, get the fuck in here! (MUSIC STOPS) Hurry the fuck up! I'm here with Miami Dolphins wide receiver Alonzo Cooley who moments ago got a brand-new deal.
Alonzo, how'd it feel to get that call? It was bananas.
Listen, when the owner's on the line, a thousand different thoughts run through your mind.
Least of which is a brand-new $12 million deal.
To everybody at the organization, I'm very happy with this blessing.
I want to thank my moms.
Moms, I wouldn't be here without you.
You're my MVP.
There you have it, Alonzo Cooley, a great football player and a grateful son.
They gave Cooley your money on your birthday? That's fucked up, man.
Don't take it personal, Richard.
I thought I was finishing my career in Miami.
Man, you're just a rental to them, man.
They got no real love for you.
I mean, that's what your family is for, right? So forget all this grown-up party stuff, man.
Your life gonna change for the better.
So let's take this party to the Funhouse.
Yeah.
No, y'all gonna get me in trouble.
Yeah, baby.
This mean I ain't got to wear a suit, right? (MUSIC PLAYING) Shake that ass a little lower, lower Work that ass a little lower, lower Shake that ass a little lower, lower Work that ass a little lower, lower Wind that ass and get it poppin' Yo, wind that ass and get poppin' Come on, wind that ass and get poppin' Yo, wind that ass and get poppin' One more.
Work that ass, make it rock, work that ass Hey, man, I'm waiting on the Kool-Aid man to crash through the house.
- Oh, yeah.
- (LAUGHS) Y'all want some of this diabetes, boys? Man, this shit will rot your teeth out.
But it'll get you nice and fucked up, and that's what you want.
You got dental, right? I mean, I brush twice a day and a little bit of floss, but I don't what do you mean? Your boy ain't got no dental plan? Dude, without dental hygiene, you ain't got shit.
- Hey, man.
- What's he paying you? Hey, Nate, man, come taste some of this punch real quick.
Don't mind if I do, man.
Set me up, man.
Well, in Canada it's free.
Is that what you mean? Here to make your booty loose Show me what you're gonna do Show me what you gonna do You talk to him yet? No, he's too busy dry-humping the talent.
Let's not disrupt that groove.
- Siefert called.
- What'd that asshole have to say? You know, honestly, the guy is dead to me.
- Yeah, me, too.
- Yo, Spence.
Yo, what's up, J? All right.
Man, fucked up Rick didn't get paid, man.
- Yes.
- What's happening, 14? - What's up, Greg? - Team's talking mutiny.
- Nice.
- JASON: Mutiny? - Mutiny.
- Don't worry about it.
We'll handle it.
We appreciate that, boys.
Have fun.
- See you, Spence.
- Later.
God damn.
Fucking guy's following me around like the herp.
- Yeah, I invited him.
- You invited Sizzle? Thought it'd be good for you to work things out, you know? As much as I enjoy watching Ricky regress, I'd much rather watch you progress.
Mmm.
You overestimate me, buddy.
Get up and dance, you know what to do I made this part for you and you and you And you and you and you, you, you, you Right now, look here, a nigga finna get loose Ha, a nigga finna get loose - Yo, T.
- Yeah? I'll bring out the sculpture.
Grab my fun bag.
You want the fun bag? - Grab the fun bag.
- You want the fun bag.
Grab the fun bag.
(COUGHS) Look who just rolled in with his crew.
Jesus, did he get bigger overnight? - You should bail, huh? - I'm not gonna fucking bail.
Fuck that.
Oh, you want all these people with their camera phones to witness World War III at Ricky Jerret's birthday party? Smoking that Pluto No ticking time like hand on the rope Nigga feel beautiful No park brake, put a nigga in neutral - What are you doing? - I'm gonna go over there.
No come on, don't.
Don't.
Don't.
Don't.
- Hold this for me.
- No.
I'm just gonna talk.
You could wear your watch while you shit! RICKY: Right here, right here, right here, right here.
You ain't had nothing like this, huh, Pop? You ain't had nothing like this, Pop.
I mean, that's beautiful.
That's beautiful.
Happy birthday to me.
Hey, there's your boy.
Sizz, can I talk to you a minute? What you want, Spence? Want me to whup your ass again? I don't want to throw down with you again, man.
Shouldn't have gone after you in the first place, but it's those old habits, you know? Yeah, I know.
Yeah, you ran me my fade and all, but I almost fucked my foot up again fucking with you.
- And even Roger called me.
- Roger called you? - Yeah.
- Oh, man.
Hey, but it felt pretty good mixing it up, right? Yeah, it did.
Yeah, it's been a long time since I hit somebody.
If you're feeling like you have a little bit left, maybe get your ass back on the football field and we can do it again there.
No fucking way, big boy.
(LAUGHS) No.
I just came over here to tell you man-to-man we're one and the same.
Why don't we bury this and just move on? Fuck it, man.
We good.
- We're good? - We're good.
All right.
You have fun tonight.
You need anything, you call me.
All right.
- Ball so hard.
- Ball so hard.
- My man.
- All right.
Ball so hard.
(BUZZING) Stand back.
Stand back.
Come on! Come on! - Ah! - (CHEERING) - Yeah! - Happy birthday.
- You see? That wasn't so hard.
- It's a walk in the park.
I thought you guys were gonna murder each other.
That's the old Spencer.
The new and improved Spencer believes in second chances.
Eh, not really.
I'm gonna sign Sizzle and I'm gonna take the rest of Andre's clients.
Eh, came in the game, getting money Flippin' chickens, whip it, getting money Niggas get to playing with the money Clique bang for the money, shit changed over money They love to see a nigga on the bottom Catch it coming, got to keep it on the low A nigga plug bless a nigga with a whole Wanna break the bitch down into 36 Os Looky here, bitch, I'm A-okay Shorty wanna fuck with me Stripping, yeah, the jiggy, nigga Lady, she gonna hit my line We ain't gonna waste no time She sucking and we fucking like she need me While she make a bankroll easy All the light in the room from the TV We getting it on, then I'm gone It's the type of shit that a nigga be on Too much on my mind right now I'm on the grind right now Looking for me, sucker, then I need to be found right now I got my nine right now Bitch, I'll blow your mind right now I ain't fucking around right now Better get in line right now Or fuck around and die right now Hope you understand that Bitch, I'm the man Ho, I'm the man You know I'm the man Bitch, I'm the man Ho, I'm the man You know I'm the man Bitch, I'm the man