Beaver Falls (2011) s02e01 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 1
1 So, who started it? No comment.
No comment.
No comment.
No comment.
No comment.
No comment.
No comment.
Now cut this shit.
Charge us or let us go.
No comment.
'Family values are at the core of everything we do.
'Aren't they, Bobby.
' Come on, jerkface! Come on Sorry we're late! Sorry! Traffic was awful! 'We're just one big happy family here.
And that includes our staff.
'Hi.
My name's Lori McBride, 'and I want to welcome you to the best summer of your life.
'Come to Beaver Falls! 'Heck, I liked it so much, I bought the place!' Hit the lights.
Oh, thank God you boys made it.
I was worried maybe the brakes on your car had failed, and you'd plunged to your deaths down some godforsaken ravine.
OK.
Listen up! What does our change in ownership mean to you? Nice! Absolute zip.
I'm still camp director, and when I say, "Jump," you say, "How high?" Yada yada.
Enjoy yourselves, and try not to get pregnant.
That is all.
Can you see her? Bobby, Bobby! I don't see her.
Not a chance, mate.
Hey, I am in with a chance! We've been emailing each other a lot, actually.
I Moonpigged her on her birthday and everything.
Yeah.
Is that a euphemism? Wow.
Four syllables.
That has got to be a record for the pretty boy.
Why are you down on me hooking back up with Kimberley? Come on.
It was a two-month wild goose chase, topped off with a five-minute pity fuck.
OK.
A - it was not a pity fuck.
And B There's no way it lasted five minutes.
Hmmm.
Oh! Oh, hey, Kimberley.
Yeah, we're good.
Yeah, thanks for asking! Nice beard.
Come on, these dweebs are cramping your style.
Yeah.
Completely.
Actually, they're the reason I never got laid at uni.
Bye.
Oh! And so it begins.
Where the hell are you going? Out, my love.
Bobby, there are a million and one things to do before tomorrow.
I know.
Here's a radical thought - why don't you do 'em? If you screw this up with Lori, I will never forgive you.
Are you scared of her, Pammy? She's in New York.
And while the cat's away, the mice will play.
You OK? Ah.
Girl trouble, huh? Yeah, sorry.
An old flame from last year.
She kind of left me with severe burns.
Oooh.
Ouch.
Yeah, ouch.
Yeah, it was ouch.
Very ouch.
Seeing her again, it's like a whole different type of ouch.
I see.
I feel your pain, man.
I was in your exact same position this time last year with my ex and I didn't know what to do.
I tell you what - I manned up, I won her back and it was the best thing I ever did.
So.
Flynn, huh? Real name? Nickname? Nickname.
As in Errol.
Oh.
I wonder why? Hey, is it because you like underage girls? Oh, no, no.
It's because you're a bisexual Nazi sympathiser, right? Oh, no, what am I saying? It's because you think you have a big dick.
Look, I never called myself Flynn.
But if you like, you could give me an independent assessment.
Hi.
Hey! A-Rab? Wow.
What a surprise.
I didn't realise you'd be back.
Well, yeah.
Your restraining order expired, so here I am.
You look good.
Thank you.
That's very lovely of you to say.
You also look good.
Yeah.
That sounds really convincing with a big pause in the middle.
Honestly? I'm not sure about the beard.
Everyone hates the beard.
Yeah, I mean, Flynn even put a bounty on it.
£50 to the person that shaves me while I'm sleeping.
How's he doing, by the way? What's with the cast? He's lost the arm now.
It's OK, he's using it as a chat-up line.
He reckons women find men who've had accidents attractive.
Right.
OK.
Uh, I wasn't going to I've been thinking about you a lot.
A-Rab Don't.
Just let me finish.
I was going to say something really smart and funny A-Rab, please but nothing I could think of was smart or funny enough.
So, I'll just say it straight.
I would really like Hey, babe! Hey! Um this is A-Rab, a friend from last year.
A-Rab.
This is Mac, my husband.
H-H-Husband Wow Congratulations.
So, what do you think? What do I think? I think that, um you should just lie back and close your eyes and just enjoy yourself.
Well, if you insist.
I wouldn't usually do this on a first date.
I don't want you getting the wrong idea about me.
What are you doing? I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.
What, you thought I was just going to blow you? Come on, this isn't funny.
Oh, no, believe me, really, it is.
Seriously, I can't swim.
My arm's fucked.
Oh! Why don't you just use your amazing penis? What are you doing? Uh it's not what it looks like.
So, what is it, then? Uh Angry Birds? Look.
Wait.
Arghhh! Fuck.
Kim, please! Argh! Don't go! I'm deleting it, I promise! Kim, just! Man, talk about crash and burn.
Yeah.
Me too.
I am so going to have a crank tonight.
Sod that.
Kids arrive tomorrow, yeah? Let's make the most of our last night of freedom.
Let's get out of here.
Let's get out of here and get so fucked up that we don't even remember what it was we were depressed about.
Can I come? So, what's a "crank"? Crank.
Verb.
To wank whilst crying.
A misery wank.
An A-Rab special.
Shut up, Barry.
Perfect.
Boys, this is just what we need.
This is going to be amazing.
I don't know what to say.
I didn't tell you about him cos I thought there was no way they would be here.
Anyway, there's not much to tell! It was like kinda off and on, and way more off than on.
Like, minimum 80% off.
And the 20% on was like 75% arguing.
OK.
Rach.
Breathe.
You're starting to freak me out.
I've known you since we were 13, and I've never seen you like this.
I'm starting to get paranoid.
Because he's clearly still hung up on you, I'm thinking maybe you still No! No! It was nothing.
Hey, why don't we stop looking at this as a bad thing, and start looking at it as this great anecdote to tell to our grand-children? You know, when we're old, and we've lived this long happy life together, we can tell the story about how we accidentally went on honeymoon with my ex for two months.
And they will be like, "Ah, Grandpa, you are the most wonderful man "for being so understanding about all of it.
" I just I just need you to be honest with me.
Cos I don't care where you've been, what you did.
As long as you love me.
OK? Was that a Backstreet Boys lyric? Damn.
I hate it when that happens.
Hey.
Where are you going? I'm going to go see him.
Why? No, no, what for? It'll make me feel better.
Yeah, yeah, but you have all summer to feel better! Yeah, but this is private, and the kids arrive tomorrow and it's going to get a whole lot tougher to get any privacy.
Exactly! The kids arrive tomorrow.
And we are meant to be on our honeymoon.
Just give me ten minutes to talk to him.
Oh, he's gone out.
Hope?! You scared the crap out of us.
How long have you been there? Ooh, a while, you guys are really sweet together.
Uh, thanks.
Oh, um, I heard the Brits talking and they've gone to a bar to drown their sorrows.
I know where they've gone so I can take you.
No.
Yeah.
Great, let's go! You know what's great about this? This is real.
This is the America we missed out on last year cos we never left that bloody camp, Because we were wasting our time with bloody girls.
This year is going to be different, we're going to travel.
You, me and the monkey.
Like it should be.
How'd you like them apples? She's all I've ever dreamt of, you know, and I totally fucked it.
Well, son, I ain't pretending to be no expert, but seems to me this is about feminism.
So how comes you got a nice, little picture of her titties, and she ain't got shit? Yeah.
What happened to me? I used to be cool.
Now I'm just pouncing on nerds.
Oh, speak of the devil.
Oh, Barry! See? See what I'm working with? Is that? Yes.
Oh my god, that's amazing.
He actually sent you a photo of his cock as an apology.
I am liking this guy more with every move, I've got to say.
Oh come on, it's more original than flowers, right? Why can't he just be normal? Cos if he was just like the others, then he would be just like the others.
Hey, if you guys see Bobby can you cover for us? Apparently, we're going to find the Brits.
Ooh! Can we come? What? You need to talk to him, I want to meet him.
What are we waiting for? No, PJ Come on.
Come on.
I mean, getting married at our age? That's just weird.
What's he got that I haven't got? Maybe he's fun? I'm fun! Look around, man.
Look around! This is my idea! And this is fun! I'm the fun, fucking machine.
- He's going to get naked, isn't he? - Oh, yeah.
Shit! Quick - hide.
You ain't going to see much from down there, boys.
Lori?! What a surprise! I had no idea I usually find turning up unannounced works best if I want to see how my business's really work.
Do you mind if we take a look around? It is almost midnight.
Where's Bobby? Hello, Boo-boo.
Hello, Yogi Bear.
You want to come zip me in? Ah, with pleasure.
Come on.
The mind literally boggles.
Shit.
Who invited her? Shit.
Yep.
Knew it'd work.
Used the worm as bait, and now it's time to reel her in.
Hi.
Doesn't the lodge look beautiful all lit up? So romantic.
Tell me, how are those cost reports I asked for coming along? You know, Bobby and I got married on this very spot.
Really? Yeah.
Gee, Pam, I'd love you to not show me the photos of that? But instead show me the cost report.
You know, the one I keep asking for? I'm afraid that's more of a Bobby question.
So are we good? Oh, my God, he's the penis guy Uh? Funny, isn't it? You see a penis, you imagine a face.
Sorry, you are? Big fans of your work.
- What are you even doing here? - That's not very friendly, is it? I can't believe you told them.
That was supposed to be private! Yeah.
Well, so are my tits.
Didn't stop you from taking a picture.
Well, let's see how you like it then.
Excuse me, gents? Who would like to see? Hey, you said you deleted it! You know what, Barry? I didn't come here to argue.
Kim! You know why you got married? Cos you're boring.
Oh yeah, because you are such a party guy.
Hope, can you please, leave us alone, this is private! Oh, sorry, I was just Jeez, Rach, stop being such a bitch.
Hey, no, no, no you do not talk to my wife like that! I don't want to talk to you anyway! I was having fun before you showed up! Know what? You're boring.
And you're boring! And you're very pretty.
Oh, thank you! Got an unnaturally small penis myself, truth be told.
Yeah? A-ha.
Tiny, little thing.
In high school, they used to call me Chip.
Chip Millidick.
Worst time of my OK, Barry.
Take two.
Hey, missy, you mind fucking off? You're interrupting a moment here.
Sorry, who are you? This is Chip.
Don't call me Chip.
Don't ever call me Chip.
Sorry, I thought Well, you thought wrong, son.
This the bitch causing the heartache? Ooh, now that's not - What did you call me? - I called you a bitch, bitch.
- Hey, you probably shouldn't - You're a fucking moron, Chip.
Ah.
I think we've established he doesn't like being called Chip.
You're lucky, missy, cos I don't hit women.
So I'm going to punch your boyfriend.
Just try it.
Shit! The guy's got back up.
Lookie, a one armed Jonas Brother! Boys? A-Rab! Mate, wherever you are, we could do with a hand.
Your move, Bieber.
All right.
Wooo! Yeah! Let's get this party started! When I say Tuna, you say Town! Tuna! Town! Don't you touch my husband! You can thank me later.
Again that's more of a Bobby question.
Ah, what a surprise.
Well, here's one you might be able to deal with.
What exactly do you do here, Pam? No? No? OK, here's another.
Where the hell is your husband? Like I said, his prayer meeting sometimes runs over.
What are you doing here? It was just some peanuts You lot were doing all the kicking and the punching.
Oh, God, what have I done? Chip.
Please, don't die.
Chip! I didn't know you were allergic.
Don't call me Chip.
Police, nobody move! Hands where I can see them! OK, seriously, you can put me down now.
Get off me! Get off me, pig! I know my rights, man.
I want my phone call! Give me my phone call! Right, who's been arrested before? No, OK, look we're fine so long as nobody talks, OK? It's our word against theirs.
Hold on, are you saying you've been arrested before? Jeez, Dad, spare me the lecture.
Dad? So, who started it? No comment.
No comment.
No comment.
Who started it, Barry? Umm This loyalty you're showing? It's touching.
Shame your friends ain't returning the favour.
No comment.
No comment.
You some kind of transvestite, son? No comment.
Sequins turn you on? No comment.
See, Adil's telling us it was you that started it, Barry.
He wouldn't.
Wouldn't he? How you going to get with her if you're in jail, huh? No comment.
She's not going to wait for you.
Nah, some other guy's going to be slipping it to her.
Again and again and again, oh, God, right there, do me, do me, do me in every conceivable position.
Adil Hussain, it was Adil Hussain, just like you said.
Excuse me? Officer? Officer! Um, hi here's the thing.
I was really drunk earlier and I'm sobering up now.
But I was thinking that what happened tonight might have been slightly different from what I said before.
Oh, you mean when you rolled over, ratted your friend out? Is there any way that we could maybe erase the tape and do a take two? Oh no, wait! Have you slept with my daughter? No.
Good.
Cos I'm going to say this once only.
Last summer you screwed my wife, but you won't be soiling any member of my family this year.
And as far as my daughter is concerned, Old Testament rules apply.
You look at her, you lose an eye.
You lay a finger on her, you lose a hand.
And you sleep with her? I get to fulfil an ambition of mine.
Understand? OK, I've had an hour's sleep so if we could just skip the lecture? Lori showed up last night.
OK.
And? And? The camp was in chaos.
- Look if she wants to come down to my camp - Her camp.
Swinging her dick around, fine, let her.
Cos I will not be intimidated by that dick.
I will look it in the eye and say, "You know what you spent your money on, Lori? "Me.
I'm the talent.
I'm Beaver Falls.
" I'll dazzle her with the Old Bobby Magic.
Her words, remember? Not mine.
Oh! The tag allows us to monitor you at all times by GPS.
You stray more than a mile from camp, it goes off.
You'll be subject to random drug tests, and a curfew.
Break any of these conditions, and you will go to county jail.
Sign here.
Hold on a minute, am I the only one getting charged with anything? Goddammit, who talked? I mean, this is bullshit.
We went out on a limb for them.
The only reason they're back is cos we gave them references.
And where are they? Lori! Great to see you! Have you had your hair done? You look lovely.
Bobby, where have you been? Oh, you smell like a brewery.
I am so looking forward to today.
We're going to have a great time.
Shall we? Yes! Isn't this exciting? We're all back at Beaver Falls! YES! Thurston.
Seriously.
Volume, yeah? Some of us have got hangovers.
Look at the state of that.
What the hell happened to you? What? Oh, yeah, I'm a I'm goth now.
Yeah? What does that involve? Oh, you know, loads of dark shit.
Dark, fucked up shit.
So, who's the new kid? He's Mau-reece and she's Clarissa.
And guess whose sister she is? It ain't funny.
This shit is wack.
Oh, stop talking in that ridiculous way, Hillary.
I told you, don't call me that.
You're just trying to impress your friends.
Hillary? Your real name's Hillary? Hey.
On your side, sister.
I really admire the stand you're making.
Refusing to conform.
In your face, Beaver Falls.
Is he always like this? You know, raging against the machine? Yep.
Unless the machine's a donut maker.
Jake's here to see you.
Jake! Great! You'll love Jake.
The best counsellor ever.
Bobby! Oh, God, is it ever good to see you? Come here, big guy.
Oh.
Yes.
Pammy! Come here, you! Oh! God, it is so good to be back.
Yeah.
Jake, this is Lori McBride.
Hey.
Absolute pleasure.
Yeah, you feel that? Making that connection.
Jake, maybe we can talk later? Yeah, yeah, no, that's totally cool.
I just came by to check that, you know, we were copacetic? Didn't want you panicking.
About my meltdown.
Yeah, cos I realised there was some mild violence and everything.
But since last summer, I've been to therapy and I am making great big steps.
I've got all these ideas for the summer.
You know, maybe a drumming circle out in the woods? Like, a shamanic thing? Oh, yeah, great.
Owww! Grrr! No, just stop! STOP! Argh! What did you glue them with? I don't know.
I was drunk.
Look at the state of me.
I know you can't go far with the tag, but at least you get to hang out with us more! So it's not that bad.
No.
Apart from the curfew.
And the drug tests.
And the three grand it's cost me, which basically means my summer's fucked, yeah, you're right it's not that bad! Fuck's sake, Maurice! What are you doing? It's Maur-reece.
I don't care! Why are you filming? In case Michael Moore wants to make a documentary about us.
In our struggle for justice.
We'll fight all the way to the Supreme Court if we have to.
Fight what? The racist police conspiracy.
Dude, stop conspiracising! It ever occur to you that maybe someone just ratted him out? Like who? I don't know.
Who would want to screw him over? Mac.
I bet it was fucking Mac! We got married here, too, right over there on the island.
Was one of the happiest days of our Lives.
Yes.
I heard.
Boo-boo! Hey, Boo-boo, it's Yogi.
Over here! Bobby, is that woman talking to you? Bobby! Nah, I don't think so.
I found your watch! We're a little busy here now.
Sorry, who is this? It's a cleaner.
One of our cleaners.
You son of a bitch.
Come back! OW! You OK? Hey.
Come on.
That's right - take your grandma back to the farm! Lads, do us a favour and fuck off, eh? We don't schedule the first day.
It works better that way.
All right.
Come on faster, Thurston.
More lube? It's important for the campers to really bond with their counsellor.
Each bunk has its own little initiations.
All good clean fun.
Ah, the laughter of happy campers.
Laughter never fails to raise the human spirit.
Oh, my God.
That is literally the ugliest thing I ever saw! Give me that.
What the hell is this? Well, I believe that's a penis.
Aa male penis.
Only smaller.
Eh, leave this with me, Lori.
Girls, whose penis is this, please? Who does this penis belong to? Him, there.
Barry! Is this your penis? Where'd you get that from? Well, answer me, damn it.
How did these girls get their hands on your penis? Bobby, it's my fault.
I left my phone lying around.
No.
Blame me.
I sent the picture.
See, I think what happened was, Barry was in this bar called Tuna Town Roadhouse.
And OK, I think we've heard enough! We will discuss this later to save your blushes in a private setting.
Shall we continue, Lori? You'll have to excuse him.
He's British.
Oh, hey, A-Rab! Over here! How's the hangover? Uh, not good.
I'm currently at the corner of Nausea Drive and Shame Boulevard.
That's so funny.
Like an address.
Uh, so I was wondering if I can ask you something? Did you mean it last night when you said I was pretty? I said that? Well, no, I mean, I don't remember saying it.
But doesn't mean it wasn't true.
So, where were you going? I was going to go find the bastard who gave me this.
Oh, good.
Cos I think it sucks.
You getting the blame for everything.
I mean, everyone was fighting, not just you.
In fact, you actually did less fighting than everyone else cos you got hit and you just fell over right away.
So, who do you think it was? It was Mac.
Really? Mac? But he seems so nice.
Yeah.
But apparently he's the sort of wanker OK, I am not going to stand here and listen to you spread shit about Mac.
Oh, my God, were you eavesdropping? Don't you dare! And you! I am sorry if you still have feelings for me.
But that is not Mac's fault.
And I'm sorry that you have that ankle tag.
But that is also not Mac's fault.
And how do you know? Because it was Barry.
Bollocks.
You don't believe me? You think that I'm the kind of person that would spread that around? It was your friend that stabbed you in the back, not my husband.
So why don't you run off and go find the bastard that gave you that tag, just like you said you were going to do.
Oh, my God, you are such a shit-stirrer.
A-Rab! Hey, A-Rab, wait! Wait up! A-Rab! Oh, is your dad around? I've got his watch.
I'll make sure he gets it.
OK, Flynn, hold up.
There is a faint possibility that I may have been wrong about you.
It's possible that you're not such a total asshole after all.
Is that your idea of a compliment? Yeah.
I have this condition.
Relentless Wiseass Syndrome.
Basically, my body doesn't produce the proteins required for sincerity.
Oh, you can smile, but it's very serious.
There are support groups and everything.
Wow.
Sounds awful.
Why does my dad hate you so much? Does he? Yeah.
Trust me, he can't stand you.
Maybe it's his daughter's debilitating illness has left him all fucked up and bitter.
If he hates me that much, then you'll probably want me to go.
So I'll go.
Is that what you want? - You're forgetting something.
- What? There.
Deleted.
Your turn.
You know explorers from, like, ages ago? When cameras were huge? And they're climbing up Everest and they haven't got enough food to eat and they're drinking their own piss and stuff? But still, they're lugging that big fuck-off camera with them cos they know that that is going to be the greatest moment of their lives.
Well, that's what this is.
Barry, it's a picture of my tits.
Just get rid of it.
Look, I've dated a lot of guys since last summer.
Oh, all right, no need to rub it in.
Guys who should be perfect for me.
And they bored me shitless.
Cos none of them were like you.
Right.
What does that mean? It means, let's start this summer over.
I don't want to argue, I don't want to get serious.
I just want to have fun.
With you.
How does that sound? You do know I've never had a proper girlfriend, right? I know.
And I don't care.
It's just, that you can't buy a puppy cos it's cute and does stupid stuff, then complain when it shits on the carpet.
Do you see what I'm saying? But you can train a puppy.
So, let me train you.
Let me give you Boyfriend 101.
Hmmmm There'll be a practical.
In that case, you may kiss me.
- Wanker! - Ow! A-Rab! It was you! You fucking grassed on me! Argh! Can we not do this here? No, let's do it here.
Let's let her see what you're really like.
I'm sorry, OK? I was drunk.
And I was tired.
We all were! You didn't even have the decency to admit it.
I just made a dick of myself in front of Rachael.
Oh, I get it.
That's what this is about.
No, that is not what this is about.
This is about me and you.
What do I get from you? Seriously? I'm not your mate, am I? I'm just a cash machine.
I pay for everything.
Your rent, your flight.
And I've always got your back, and you've never got mine.
You just take and take.
I spent a year working my arse off Oh, here we go.
While you sat around wanking Not true.
And playing your stupid computer games like a fucking child.
I'm not sitting around.
I'm caring for Flynn.
He doesn't need a carer yet.
Yeah? How would you know? You're never there.
You know what? Using him as an excuse is pathetic.
Do you know what's pathetic? Putting on a suit and thinking you're it.
At least I get dressed in the morning.
Oh, look at me with my Blackberry and my socks that match and my dead soulless stare! You're just a waste of skin.
Yeah, that's right, Barry.
If you look upset enough, you might just get another pity fuck out of it.
Screw you! Yeah.
Screw me.
Screw you.
Whatever.
So, are you still having a bad time? Awful, just awful.
Can I offer you a drink, Lori? No, thank you.
I have a plane to catch.
Of course.
Maybe you'd like a Beaver Falls t-shirt to take home.
Not really.
No.
Oh, hi, Dad.
I was just checking on some emails.
Lori, I'd like to introduce our daughter.
Pam Junior's just got back from a year out in Europe.
Broadening the mind, etc.
It's lovely to meet you.
Would you excuse us, please? Oh, sure, yeah.
I'd just finished anyway.
Thank you, honey.
Have a seat, Lori.
So, how do you think today went? Well, apart from some minor start-of-summer blips, all par for the course.
Other than that, all good.
That's interesting, because I thought it was pathetic.
You have our sincere apologies.
We promise, anything you're unhappy with we will rectify.
Immediately.
If I may, please don't tell me how to do my job.
I have been here 25 years.
This is my camp.
No, Bobby, it's mine, and the sooner you wrap your head around that, the better.
The pair of you have until the end of this summer.
And if I don't see a big improvement, you are both fired.
You're right.
I took my eye off the ball.
I apologise.
Please, Lori, give me another chance.
My mother died a few weeks back, and it hurt.
Grief is a road every man must travel on his own.
And at his own pace.
But I've walked my road, Lori.
Give me another chance and I will not let you down.
Good, I'm glad to hear it I'll walk you to the car.
OK.
Oh, and Bobby? I did my due diligence.
Your mother died 12 years ago.
Shit.
Do you think I went too far? No, I thought you were amazing.
When you had him up against the wall I was like, "Go, A-Rab, punch him.
"Punch him in the face.
" You know why you're worried? Because you're such a good person.
I think you and me are really alike.
I feel like we connect, don't you? Uh, yeah.
People hate the pure of heart.
I mean, look at Jesus.
They were horrible to him.
I'm not really religious, but often when I'm sad, like when those bitches threw me out of the sorority, I think, what would Jesus do? And it really helps.
You got thrown out of a sorority? I was bored of it anyway.
Just a bunch of two-faced sluts.
I've grown.
As a person.
And if people can't accept that, then they aren't my friends, are they? Wow.
You are a great kisser.
I don't think Barry deserves you.
There.
I've said it.
'It's all gone wrong, Pammy,' and now the Brits are back and they already made me look stupid in front of Lori.
Bobby, you made yourself look stupid.
Have you got any idea what this is like for me? Smiling, pretending to Lori that we're the perfect couple? That we embody those family values she's so obsessed with? And every day I have to see that man who cuckolded me, and act like I'm OK? Well, I'm not OK, Pammy! Last night when I saw PJ with him, it made me physically sick.
I mean, what if he sleeps with her? He wouldn't.
Oh, I think he would! Maybe I should just tell her, huh? "Oh, honey, don't go there.
Your mother already has.
"Oh, and by the way, he's not the first.
"In fact, guess what? I'm not even your father!" Don't you dare! She has a right to know who her father is! Bobby, look at me.
Look at me! Stop panicking.
We don't need to tell PJ anything.
Not right now.
Concentrate on the camp.
We just need to get the magic back.
Find the old Bobby.
You hate the old Bobby.
No I don't.
I admire him.
His drive.
His attention to detail.
His organisational skills.
His time-keeping.
You said it yourself.
You are Beaver Falls.
Yes? I want to swap bunks.
Hey, how's the buffet going? I hear they're serving humble pie.
Mate.
This is nuts! Why are you moving out? Barry's doing my fucking head in.
You said yourself the summer was about the three of us.
You, me and the monkey.
It's always been the three of us, right through uni.
Mate, we're not at uni any more.
We can't just stand still and pretend we are.
I'm growing as a person, and if you can't accept that, then you're not my mate.
What the fuck are you talking about? I got told to report here? Excellent! Boys, this is Mac.
Well, you'll like him, he's he's one of us.
Hi.
I brought marshmallows.
Hi, dude.
Come on in.
Come on.
Welcome.
A-Rab? I've found a website.
I reckon I can hack that ankle tag if we What? What's going on? A-Rab's moved out.
You're kidding me? Said he'd rather eat his own shit than be around you.
Ah, great.
You're all together! One big happy family! You know what? I have a feeling this is going to be a great summer.
See, I can't fire you.
But I can fuck you around.
And I'm really going to enjoy that.
An awful lot.
See you later, boys.
Today is the day we open our doors, and our hearts, to the residents of the Yuba City Juvenile Detention Center.
Hello, Flynn.
She's not my girlfriend, we can do what we want.
Remember I said I had a little surprise for you He's your new brother.
I thought you meant a new rabbit.
Come on, bitch.
Go faster! Who the fuck is worse off than me?! - Flynn.
He's dying.
- Flynn is dying? I just don't want her to know.
So drop it! I'm going to have to ask you to step down as camp guidance counsellor.
Did somebody put you up to this? You know, you two can sort this shit whenever you want.
This is all his fault.
I should have slapped you.
Get the fuck out.
I've had it up to here with you.
No comment.
No comment.
No comment.
No comment.
No comment.
No comment.
Now cut this shit.
Charge us or let us go.
No comment.
'Family values are at the core of everything we do.
'Aren't they, Bobby.
' Come on, jerkface! Come on Sorry we're late! Sorry! Traffic was awful! 'We're just one big happy family here.
And that includes our staff.
'Hi.
My name's Lori McBride, 'and I want to welcome you to the best summer of your life.
'Come to Beaver Falls! 'Heck, I liked it so much, I bought the place!' Hit the lights.
Oh, thank God you boys made it.
I was worried maybe the brakes on your car had failed, and you'd plunged to your deaths down some godforsaken ravine.
OK.
Listen up! What does our change in ownership mean to you? Nice! Absolute zip.
I'm still camp director, and when I say, "Jump," you say, "How high?" Yada yada.
Enjoy yourselves, and try not to get pregnant.
That is all.
Can you see her? Bobby, Bobby! I don't see her.
Not a chance, mate.
Hey, I am in with a chance! We've been emailing each other a lot, actually.
I Moonpigged her on her birthday and everything.
Yeah.
Is that a euphemism? Wow.
Four syllables.
That has got to be a record for the pretty boy.
Why are you down on me hooking back up with Kimberley? Come on.
It was a two-month wild goose chase, topped off with a five-minute pity fuck.
OK.
A - it was not a pity fuck.
And B There's no way it lasted five minutes.
Hmmm.
Oh! Oh, hey, Kimberley.
Yeah, we're good.
Yeah, thanks for asking! Nice beard.
Come on, these dweebs are cramping your style.
Yeah.
Completely.
Actually, they're the reason I never got laid at uni.
Bye.
Oh! And so it begins.
Where the hell are you going? Out, my love.
Bobby, there are a million and one things to do before tomorrow.
I know.
Here's a radical thought - why don't you do 'em? If you screw this up with Lori, I will never forgive you.
Are you scared of her, Pammy? She's in New York.
And while the cat's away, the mice will play.
You OK? Ah.
Girl trouble, huh? Yeah, sorry.
An old flame from last year.
She kind of left me with severe burns.
Oooh.
Ouch.
Yeah, ouch.
Yeah, it was ouch.
Very ouch.
Seeing her again, it's like a whole different type of ouch.
I see.
I feel your pain, man.
I was in your exact same position this time last year with my ex and I didn't know what to do.
I tell you what - I manned up, I won her back and it was the best thing I ever did.
So.
Flynn, huh? Real name? Nickname? Nickname.
As in Errol.
Oh.
I wonder why? Hey, is it because you like underage girls? Oh, no, no.
It's because you're a bisexual Nazi sympathiser, right? Oh, no, what am I saying? It's because you think you have a big dick.
Look, I never called myself Flynn.
But if you like, you could give me an independent assessment.
Hi.
Hey! A-Rab? Wow.
What a surprise.
I didn't realise you'd be back.
Well, yeah.
Your restraining order expired, so here I am.
You look good.
Thank you.
That's very lovely of you to say.
You also look good.
Yeah.
That sounds really convincing with a big pause in the middle.
Honestly? I'm not sure about the beard.
Everyone hates the beard.
Yeah, I mean, Flynn even put a bounty on it.
£50 to the person that shaves me while I'm sleeping.
How's he doing, by the way? What's with the cast? He's lost the arm now.
It's OK, he's using it as a chat-up line.
He reckons women find men who've had accidents attractive.
Right.
OK.
Uh, I wasn't going to I've been thinking about you a lot.
A-Rab Don't.
Just let me finish.
I was going to say something really smart and funny A-Rab, please but nothing I could think of was smart or funny enough.
So, I'll just say it straight.
I would really like Hey, babe! Hey! Um this is A-Rab, a friend from last year.
A-Rab.
This is Mac, my husband.
H-H-Husband Wow Congratulations.
So, what do you think? What do I think? I think that, um you should just lie back and close your eyes and just enjoy yourself.
Well, if you insist.
I wouldn't usually do this on a first date.
I don't want you getting the wrong idea about me.
What are you doing? I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.
What, you thought I was just going to blow you? Come on, this isn't funny.
Oh, no, believe me, really, it is.
Seriously, I can't swim.
My arm's fucked.
Oh! Why don't you just use your amazing penis? What are you doing? Uh it's not what it looks like.
So, what is it, then? Uh Angry Birds? Look.
Wait.
Arghhh! Fuck.
Kim, please! Argh! Don't go! I'm deleting it, I promise! Kim, just! Man, talk about crash and burn.
Yeah.
Me too.
I am so going to have a crank tonight.
Sod that.
Kids arrive tomorrow, yeah? Let's make the most of our last night of freedom.
Let's get out of here.
Let's get out of here and get so fucked up that we don't even remember what it was we were depressed about.
Can I come? So, what's a "crank"? Crank.
Verb.
To wank whilst crying.
A misery wank.
An A-Rab special.
Shut up, Barry.
Perfect.
Boys, this is just what we need.
This is going to be amazing.
I don't know what to say.
I didn't tell you about him cos I thought there was no way they would be here.
Anyway, there's not much to tell! It was like kinda off and on, and way more off than on.
Like, minimum 80% off.
And the 20% on was like 75% arguing.
OK.
Rach.
Breathe.
You're starting to freak me out.
I've known you since we were 13, and I've never seen you like this.
I'm starting to get paranoid.
Because he's clearly still hung up on you, I'm thinking maybe you still No! No! It was nothing.
Hey, why don't we stop looking at this as a bad thing, and start looking at it as this great anecdote to tell to our grand-children? You know, when we're old, and we've lived this long happy life together, we can tell the story about how we accidentally went on honeymoon with my ex for two months.
And they will be like, "Ah, Grandpa, you are the most wonderful man "for being so understanding about all of it.
" I just I just need you to be honest with me.
Cos I don't care where you've been, what you did.
As long as you love me.
OK? Was that a Backstreet Boys lyric? Damn.
I hate it when that happens.
Hey.
Where are you going? I'm going to go see him.
Why? No, no, what for? It'll make me feel better.
Yeah, yeah, but you have all summer to feel better! Yeah, but this is private, and the kids arrive tomorrow and it's going to get a whole lot tougher to get any privacy.
Exactly! The kids arrive tomorrow.
And we are meant to be on our honeymoon.
Just give me ten minutes to talk to him.
Oh, he's gone out.
Hope?! You scared the crap out of us.
How long have you been there? Ooh, a while, you guys are really sweet together.
Uh, thanks.
Oh, um, I heard the Brits talking and they've gone to a bar to drown their sorrows.
I know where they've gone so I can take you.
No.
Yeah.
Great, let's go! You know what's great about this? This is real.
This is the America we missed out on last year cos we never left that bloody camp, Because we were wasting our time with bloody girls.
This year is going to be different, we're going to travel.
You, me and the monkey.
Like it should be.
How'd you like them apples? She's all I've ever dreamt of, you know, and I totally fucked it.
Well, son, I ain't pretending to be no expert, but seems to me this is about feminism.
So how comes you got a nice, little picture of her titties, and she ain't got shit? Yeah.
What happened to me? I used to be cool.
Now I'm just pouncing on nerds.
Oh, speak of the devil.
Oh, Barry! See? See what I'm working with? Is that? Yes.
Oh my god, that's amazing.
He actually sent you a photo of his cock as an apology.
I am liking this guy more with every move, I've got to say.
Oh come on, it's more original than flowers, right? Why can't he just be normal? Cos if he was just like the others, then he would be just like the others.
Hey, if you guys see Bobby can you cover for us? Apparently, we're going to find the Brits.
Ooh! Can we come? What? You need to talk to him, I want to meet him.
What are we waiting for? No, PJ Come on.
Come on.
I mean, getting married at our age? That's just weird.
What's he got that I haven't got? Maybe he's fun? I'm fun! Look around, man.
Look around! This is my idea! And this is fun! I'm the fun, fucking machine.
- He's going to get naked, isn't he? - Oh, yeah.
Shit! Quick - hide.
You ain't going to see much from down there, boys.
Lori?! What a surprise! I had no idea I usually find turning up unannounced works best if I want to see how my business's really work.
Do you mind if we take a look around? It is almost midnight.
Where's Bobby? Hello, Boo-boo.
Hello, Yogi Bear.
You want to come zip me in? Ah, with pleasure.
Come on.
The mind literally boggles.
Shit.
Who invited her? Shit.
Yep.
Knew it'd work.
Used the worm as bait, and now it's time to reel her in.
Hi.
Doesn't the lodge look beautiful all lit up? So romantic.
Tell me, how are those cost reports I asked for coming along? You know, Bobby and I got married on this very spot.
Really? Yeah.
Gee, Pam, I'd love you to not show me the photos of that? But instead show me the cost report.
You know, the one I keep asking for? I'm afraid that's more of a Bobby question.
So are we good? Oh, my God, he's the penis guy Uh? Funny, isn't it? You see a penis, you imagine a face.
Sorry, you are? Big fans of your work.
- What are you even doing here? - That's not very friendly, is it? I can't believe you told them.
That was supposed to be private! Yeah.
Well, so are my tits.
Didn't stop you from taking a picture.
Well, let's see how you like it then.
Excuse me, gents? Who would like to see? Hey, you said you deleted it! You know what, Barry? I didn't come here to argue.
Kim! You know why you got married? Cos you're boring.
Oh yeah, because you are such a party guy.
Hope, can you please, leave us alone, this is private! Oh, sorry, I was just Jeez, Rach, stop being such a bitch.
Hey, no, no, no you do not talk to my wife like that! I don't want to talk to you anyway! I was having fun before you showed up! Know what? You're boring.
And you're boring! And you're very pretty.
Oh, thank you! Got an unnaturally small penis myself, truth be told.
Yeah? A-ha.
Tiny, little thing.
In high school, they used to call me Chip.
Chip Millidick.
Worst time of my OK, Barry.
Take two.
Hey, missy, you mind fucking off? You're interrupting a moment here.
Sorry, who are you? This is Chip.
Don't call me Chip.
Don't ever call me Chip.
Sorry, I thought Well, you thought wrong, son.
This the bitch causing the heartache? Ooh, now that's not - What did you call me? - I called you a bitch, bitch.
- Hey, you probably shouldn't - You're a fucking moron, Chip.
Ah.
I think we've established he doesn't like being called Chip.
You're lucky, missy, cos I don't hit women.
So I'm going to punch your boyfriend.
Just try it.
Shit! The guy's got back up.
Lookie, a one armed Jonas Brother! Boys? A-Rab! Mate, wherever you are, we could do with a hand.
Your move, Bieber.
All right.
Wooo! Yeah! Let's get this party started! When I say Tuna, you say Town! Tuna! Town! Don't you touch my husband! You can thank me later.
Again that's more of a Bobby question.
Ah, what a surprise.
Well, here's one you might be able to deal with.
What exactly do you do here, Pam? No? No? OK, here's another.
Where the hell is your husband? Like I said, his prayer meeting sometimes runs over.
What are you doing here? It was just some peanuts You lot were doing all the kicking and the punching.
Oh, God, what have I done? Chip.
Please, don't die.
Chip! I didn't know you were allergic.
Don't call me Chip.
Police, nobody move! Hands where I can see them! OK, seriously, you can put me down now.
Get off me! Get off me, pig! I know my rights, man.
I want my phone call! Give me my phone call! Right, who's been arrested before? No, OK, look we're fine so long as nobody talks, OK? It's our word against theirs.
Hold on, are you saying you've been arrested before? Jeez, Dad, spare me the lecture.
Dad? So, who started it? No comment.
No comment.
No comment.
Who started it, Barry? Umm This loyalty you're showing? It's touching.
Shame your friends ain't returning the favour.
No comment.
No comment.
You some kind of transvestite, son? No comment.
Sequins turn you on? No comment.
See, Adil's telling us it was you that started it, Barry.
He wouldn't.
Wouldn't he? How you going to get with her if you're in jail, huh? No comment.
She's not going to wait for you.
Nah, some other guy's going to be slipping it to her.
Again and again and again, oh, God, right there, do me, do me, do me in every conceivable position.
Adil Hussain, it was Adil Hussain, just like you said.
Excuse me? Officer? Officer! Um, hi here's the thing.
I was really drunk earlier and I'm sobering up now.
But I was thinking that what happened tonight might have been slightly different from what I said before.
Oh, you mean when you rolled over, ratted your friend out? Is there any way that we could maybe erase the tape and do a take two? Oh no, wait! Have you slept with my daughter? No.
Good.
Cos I'm going to say this once only.
Last summer you screwed my wife, but you won't be soiling any member of my family this year.
And as far as my daughter is concerned, Old Testament rules apply.
You look at her, you lose an eye.
You lay a finger on her, you lose a hand.
And you sleep with her? I get to fulfil an ambition of mine.
Understand? OK, I've had an hour's sleep so if we could just skip the lecture? Lori showed up last night.
OK.
And? And? The camp was in chaos.
- Look if she wants to come down to my camp - Her camp.
Swinging her dick around, fine, let her.
Cos I will not be intimidated by that dick.
I will look it in the eye and say, "You know what you spent your money on, Lori? "Me.
I'm the talent.
I'm Beaver Falls.
" I'll dazzle her with the Old Bobby Magic.
Her words, remember? Not mine.
Oh! The tag allows us to monitor you at all times by GPS.
You stray more than a mile from camp, it goes off.
You'll be subject to random drug tests, and a curfew.
Break any of these conditions, and you will go to county jail.
Sign here.
Hold on a minute, am I the only one getting charged with anything? Goddammit, who talked? I mean, this is bullshit.
We went out on a limb for them.
The only reason they're back is cos we gave them references.
And where are they? Lori! Great to see you! Have you had your hair done? You look lovely.
Bobby, where have you been? Oh, you smell like a brewery.
I am so looking forward to today.
We're going to have a great time.
Shall we? Yes! Isn't this exciting? We're all back at Beaver Falls! YES! Thurston.
Seriously.
Volume, yeah? Some of us have got hangovers.
Look at the state of that.
What the hell happened to you? What? Oh, yeah, I'm a I'm goth now.
Yeah? What does that involve? Oh, you know, loads of dark shit.
Dark, fucked up shit.
So, who's the new kid? He's Mau-reece and she's Clarissa.
And guess whose sister she is? It ain't funny.
This shit is wack.
Oh, stop talking in that ridiculous way, Hillary.
I told you, don't call me that.
You're just trying to impress your friends.
Hillary? Your real name's Hillary? Hey.
On your side, sister.
I really admire the stand you're making.
Refusing to conform.
In your face, Beaver Falls.
Is he always like this? You know, raging against the machine? Yep.
Unless the machine's a donut maker.
Jake's here to see you.
Jake! Great! You'll love Jake.
The best counsellor ever.
Bobby! Oh, God, is it ever good to see you? Come here, big guy.
Oh.
Yes.
Pammy! Come here, you! Oh! God, it is so good to be back.
Yeah.
Jake, this is Lori McBride.
Hey.
Absolute pleasure.
Yeah, you feel that? Making that connection.
Jake, maybe we can talk later? Yeah, yeah, no, that's totally cool.
I just came by to check that, you know, we were copacetic? Didn't want you panicking.
About my meltdown.
Yeah, cos I realised there was some mild violence and everything.
But since last summer, I've been to therapy and I am making great big steps.
I've got all these ideas for the summer.
You know, maybe a drumming circle out in the woods? Like, a shamanic thing? Oh, yeah, great.
Owww! Grrr! No, just stop! STOP! Argh! What did you glue them with? I don't know.
I was drunk.
Look at the state of me.
I know you can't go far with the tag, but at least you get to hang out with us more! So it's not that bad.
No.
Apart from the curfew.
And the drug tests.
And the three grand it's cost me, which basically means my summer's fucked, yeah, you're right it's not that bad! Fuck's sake, Maurice! What are you doing? It's Maur-reece.
I don't care! Why are you filming? In case Michael Moore wants to make a documentary about us.
In our struggle for justice.
We'll fight all the way to the Supreme Court if we have to.
Fight what? The racist police conspiracy.
Dude, stop conspiracising! It ever occur to you that maybe someone just ratted him out? Like who? I don't know.
Who would want to screw him over? Mac.
I bet it was fucking Mac! We got married here, too, right over there on the island.
Was one of the happiest days of our Lives.
Yes.
I heard.
Boo-boo! Hey, Boo-boo, it's Yogi.
Over here! Bobby, is that woman talking to you? Bobby! Nah, I don't think so.
I found your watch! We're a little busy here now.
Sorry, who is this? It's a cleaner.
One of our cleaners.
You son of a bitch.
Come back! OW! You OK? Hey.
Come on.
That's right - take your grandma back to the farm! Lads, do us a favour and fuck off, eh? We don't schedule the first day.
It works better that way.
All right.
Come on faster, Thurston.
More lube? It's important for the campers to really bond with their counsellor.
Each bunk has its own little initiations.
All good clean fun.
Ah, the laughter of happy campers.
Laughter never fails to raise the human spirit.
Oh, my God.
That is literally the ugliest thing I ever saw! Give me that.
What the hell is this? Well, I believe that's a penis.
Aa male penis.
Only smaller.
Eh, leave this with me, Lori.
Girls, whose penis is this, please? Who does this penis belong to? Him, there.
Barry! Is this your penis? Where'd you get that from? Well, answer me, damn it.
How did these girls get their hands on your penis? Bobby, it's my fault.
I left my phone lying around.
No.
Blame me.
I sent the picture.
See, I think what happened was, Barry was in this bar called Tuna Town Roadhouse.
And OK, I think we've heard enough! We will discuss this later to save your blushes in a private setting.
Shall we continue, Lori? You'll have to excuse him.
He's British.
Oh, hey, A-Rab! Over here! How's the hangover? Uh, not good.
I'm currently at the corner of Nausea Drive and Shame Boulevard.
That's so funny.
Like an address.
Uh, so I was wondering if I can ask you something? Did you mean it last night when you said I was pretty? I said that? Well, no, I mean, I don't remember saying it.
But doesn't mean it wasn't true.
So, where were you going? I was going to go find the bastard who gave me this.
Oh, good.
Cos I think it sucks.
You getting the blame for everything.
I mean, everyone was fighting, not just you.
In fact, you actually did less fighting than everyone else cos you got hit and you just fell over right away.
So, who do you think it was? It was Mac.
Really? Mac? But he seems so nice.
Yeah.
But apparently he's the sort of wanker OK, I am not going to stand here and listen to you spread shit about Mac.
Oh, my God, were you eavesdropping? Don't you dare! And you! I am sorry if you still have feelings for me.
But that is not Mac's fault.
And I'm sorry that you have that ankle tag.
But that is also not Mac's fault.
And how do you know? Because it was Barry.
Bollocks.
You don't believe me? You think that I'm the kind of person that would spread that around? It was your friend that stabbed you in the back, not my husband.
So why don't you run off and go find the bastard that gave you that tag, just like you said you were going to do.
Oh, my God, you are such a shit-stirrer.
A-Rab! Hey, A-Rab, wait! Wait up! A-Rab! Oh, is your dad around? I've got his watch.
I'll make sure he gets it.
OK, Flynn, hold up.
There is a faint possibility that I may have been wrong about you.
It's possible that you're not such a total asshole after all.
Is that your idea of a compliment? Yeah.
I have this condition.
Relentless Wiseass Syndrome.
Basically, my body doesn't produce the proteins required for sincerity.
Oh, you can smile, but it's very serious.
There are support groups and everything.
Wow.
Sounds awful.
Why does my dad hate you so much? Does he? Yeah.
Trust me, he can't stand you.
Maybe it's his daughter's debilitating illness has left him all fucked up and bitter.
If he hates me that much, then you'll probably want me to go.
So I'll go.
Is that what you want? - You're forgetting something.
- What? There.
Deleted.
Your turn.
You know explorers from, like, ages ago? When cameras were huge? And they're climbing up Everest and they haven't got enough food to eat and they're drinking their own piss and stuff? But still, they're lugging that big fuck-off camera with them cos they know that that is going to be the greatest moment of their lives.
Well, that's what this is.
Barry, it's a picture of my tits.
Just get rid of it.
Look, I've dated a lot of guys since last summer.
Oh, all right, no need to rub it in.
Guys who should be perfect for me.
And they bored me shitless.
Cos none of them were like you.
Right.
What does that mean? It means, let's start this summer over.
I don't want to argue, I don't want to get serious.
I just want to have fun.
With you.
How does that sound? You do know I've never had a proper girlfriend, right? I know.
And I don't care.
It's just, that you can't buy a puppy cos it's cute and does stupid stuff, then complain when it shits on the carpet.
Do you see what I'm saying? But you can train a puppy.
So, let me train you.
Let me give you Boyfriend 101.
Hmmmm There'll be a practical.
In that case, you may kiss me.
- Wanker! - Ow! A-Rab! It was you! You fucking grassed on me! Argh! Can we not do this here? No, let's do it here.
Let's let her see what you're really like.
I'm sorry, OK? I was drunk.
And I was tired.
We all were! You didn't even have the decency to admit it.
I just made a dick of myself in front of Rachael.
Oh, I get it.
That's what this is about.
No, that is not what this is about.
This is about me and you.
What do I get from you? Seriously? I'm not your mate, am I? I'm just a cash machine.
I pay for everything.
Your rent, your flight.
And I've always got your back, and you've never got mine.
You just take and take.
I spent a year working my arse off Oh, here we go.
While you sat around wanking Not true.
And playing your stupid computer games like a fucking child.
I'm not sitting around.
I'm caring for Flynn.
He doesn't need a carer yet.
Yeah? How would you know? You're never there.
You know what? Using him as an excuse is pathetic.
Do you know what's pathetic? Putting on a suit and thinking you're it.
At least I get dressed in the morning.
Oh, look at me with my Blackberry and my socks that match and my dead soulless stare! You're just a waste of skin.
Yeah, that's right, Barry.
If you look upset enough, you might just get another pity fuck out of it.
Screw you! Yeah.
Screw me.
Screw you.
Whatever.
So, are you still having a bad time? Awful, just awful.
Can I offer you a drink, Lori? No, thank you.
I have a plane to catch.
Of course.
Maybe you'd like a Beaver Falls t-shirt to take home.
Not really.
No.
Oh, hi, Dad.
I was just checking on some emails.
Lori, I'd like to introduce our daughter.
Pam Junior's just got back from a year out in Europe.
Broadening the mind, etc.
It's lovely to meet you.
Would you excuse us, please? Oh, sure, yeah.
I'd just finished anyway.
Thank you, honey.
Have a seat, Lori.
So, how do you think today went? Well, apart from some minor start-of-summer blips, all par for the course.
Other than that, all good.
That's interesting, because I thought it was pathetic.
You have our sincere apologies.
We promise, anything you're unhappy with we will rectify.
Immediately.
If I may, please don't tell me how to do my job.
I have been here 25 years.
This is my camp.
No, Bobby, it's mine, and the sooner you wrap your head around that, the better.
The pair of you have until the end of this summer.
And if I don't see a big improvement, you are both fired.
You're right.
I took my eye off the ball.
I apologise.
Please, Lori, give me another chance.
My mother died a few weeks back, and it hurt.
Grief is a road every man must travel on his own.
And at his own pace.
But I've walked my road, Lori.
Give me another chance and I will not let you down.
Good, I'm glad to hear it I'll walk you to the car.
OK.
Oh, and Bobby? I did my due diligence.
Your mother died 12 years ago.
Shit.
Do you think I went too far? No, I thought you were amazing.
When you had him up against the wall I was like, "Go, A-Rab, punch him.
"Punch him in the face.
" You know why you're worried? Because you're such a good person.
I think you and me are really alike.
I feel like we connect, don't you? Uh, yeah.
People hate the pure of heart.
I mean, look at Jesus.
They were horrible to him.
I'm not really religious, but often when I'm sad, like when those bitches threw me out of the sorority, I think, what would Jesus do? And it really helps.
You got thrown out of a sorority? I was bored of it anyway.
Just a bunch of two-faced sluts.
I've grown.
As a person.
And if people can't accept that, then they aren't my friends, are they? Wow.
You are a great kisser.
I don't think Barry deserves you.
There.
I've said it.
'It's all gone wrong, Pammy,' and now the Brits are back and they already made me look stupid in front of Lori.
Bobby, you made yourself look stupid.
Have you got any idea what this is like for me? Smiling, pretending to Lori that we're the perfect couple? That we embody those family values she's so obsessed with? And every day I have to see that man who cuckolded me, and act like I'm OK? Well, I'm not OK, Pammy! Last night when I saw PJ with him, it made me physically sick.
I mean, what if he sleeps with her? He wouldn't.
Oh, I think he would! Maybe I should just tell her, huh? "Oh, honey, don't go there.
Your mother already has.
"Oh, and by the way, he's not the first.
"In fact, guess what? I'm not even your father!" Don't you dare! She has a right to know who her father is! Bobby, look at me.
Look at me! Stop panicking.
We don't need to tell PJ anything.
Not right now.
Concentrate on the camp.
We just need to get the magic back.
Find the old Bobby.
You hate the old Bobby.
No I don't.
I admire him.
His drive.
His attention to detail.
His organisational skills.
His time-keeping.
You said it yourself.
You are Beaver Falls.
Yes? I want to swap bunks.
Hey, how's the buffet going? I hear they're serving humble pie.
Mate.
This is nuts! Why are you moving out? Barry's doing my fucking head in.
You said yourself the summer was about the three of us.
You, me and the monkey.
It's always been the three of us, right through uni.
Mate, we're not at uni any more.
We can't just stand still and pretend we are.
I'm growing as a person, and if you can't accept that, then you're not my mate.
What the fuck are you talking about? I got told to report here? Excellent! Boys, this is Mac.
Well, you'll like him, he's he's one of us.
Hi.
I brought marshmallows.
Hi, dude.
Come on in.
Come on.
Welcome.
A-Rab? I've found a website.
I reckon I can hack that ankle tag if we What? What's going on? A-Rab's moved out.
You're kidding me? Said he'd rather eat his own shit than be around you.
Ah, great.
You're all together! One big happy family! You know what? I have a feeling this is going to be a great summer.
See, I can't fire you.
But I can fuck you around.
And I'm really going to enjoy that.
An awful lot.
See you later, boys.
Today is the day we open our doors, and our hearts, to the residents of the Yuba City Juvenile Detention Center.
Hello, Flynn.
She's not my girlfriend, we can do what we want.
Remember I said I had a little surprise for you He's your new brother.
I thought you meant a new rabbit.
Come on, bitch.
Go faster! Who the fuck is worse off than me?! - Flynn.
He's dying.
- Flynn is dying? I just don't want her to know.
So drop it! I'm going to have to ask you to step down as camp guidance counsellor.
Did somebody put you up to this? You know, you two can sort this shit whenever you want.
This is all his fault.
I should have slapped you.
Get the fuck out.
I've had it up to here with you.