Better Off Ted (2009) s02e01 Episode Script
Love Blurts
At Veridian Dynamics, scientific research is second to none.
Unfortunately, it seems sometimes that research is conducted on the people who work here.
What's all this? The company posted a list of single employees they think should date each other based on genetic compatibilty.
Yep, that sounds about right.
Wheee love is in the air.
Oh, gee.
Genetic engineering is romantic That's why it's so often used as a prom theme.
They're only helping hook up the single people.
Once again, the marrieds don't get to date.
We just have to go home to our cold, not-empty beds.
Phil, just because they used the word "wheee" doesn't mean it's a good thing.
Remember "wheee! It's pension rollbacks"? Oh, actually that was fun Until they rolled back our pensions.
So, Veronica, the company wants genetically compatible employees to pair up? Is this the first step in trying to breed somebody tall enough to change that lightbulb in the lobby? Why do you always think there's some dark motive behind everything the company does? Did a corporation once touch you in a place - that made you uncomfortable? - When they rolled back my pension, - I definitely felt it between the cheeks.
- Okay, fine.
This whole thing is about money.
- Happy now, Mr.
Cynical? - Well, technically, Mr.
Cynical can't be happy.
It's his power and his curse.
The company has thousands of employees, and every year, hundreds get married and have babies.
If Veridian can ensure the breeding couple is genetically compatible, the company will save a huge amount of money on health care for their offspring.
So to save money, the company's getting involved in people's sex lives? They may regret that, like when they tried to replace food in the cafeteria - with those nutrition pellets.
- Unlike eating those pellets, this is not a mandate.
Anything that starts with the word "wheee" is just a fun suggestion like the constitution and "wheee" the people.
This sucks.
Having my name on that dating board is like announcing to the whole floor, "ooh, look at Linda.
What a loser.
She's so single and alonely.
" - Alone.
Not lonely.
I'm fine.
- I know.
The whole thing is crazy.
Who does the company think it is, telling us who to boff? This is America.
We fought the British over our right to boff.
They wanted us to shag.
Ugh, I'm not even gonna look at that stupid list.
- Good.
Me neither.
- They don't think we're compatible.
- I know.
I saw that.
- The thing is, if I don't do it, everyone else is gonna hook up, - and then I'll look alonely again.
I'm fine.
- Well, I'm not doing it.
So we both won't do it.
- Good.
It's a deal.
- They can take our loneliness when they pry it from our cold, sad hands.
Is that the super-fast-growing moss for the NASA project? Yes.
I left the lid off the containment vessel, and it spread everywhere.
We'd better make it less aggressive.
It's supposed to feed astronauts, not feed on astronauts.
I've been called up to Veronica's office so I can listen to her yell at me about violating containment procedures.
Hey, the company sent me an e-mail about the genetic matchmaking.
Looks like they didn't forget the married people after all.
"Congratulations, Dr.
Myman.
Based on your DNA, the company is offering you a free" double clicking "Vasectomy"? - Why doesn't the company want me to reproduce? - Sorry, Phil, I can't think about your reproductive system right now.
I have to go see Veronica, and my own reproductive system has retreated like a turtle's head up into my abdomen.
Oh.
- You wanted to see me? - Yes, Lem, I want to talk to you about your sperm.
I I'm sorry.
It got out of its containment vessel, and it's extremely aggressive.
Wait.
Did you say my Sperm, yes.
I want to freeze yours.
It turns out you and I are the two most genetically compatible people in the entire company.
And while right now I'm neither interested in raising a child nor in playing landlord for nine months to a parasitic organism, I just want to keep my options open.
You want to have my baby? Well, using your DNA would only be my plan "e," behind fall in love and breed, clone, take one of my sister's kids or rip out the whole works and sail around the world.
Well, you would look good on the deck of the right ship tanned, wind in your hair, - no ovaries.
- You have outstanding genes, Lem, too good for a gal to pass up.
Your mother is a world-class scientist.
Your father was the first male supermodel.
- I did my research.
- Boy, this is a lot to take in.
- Excellent.
Then it's settled.
- What? There's a man waiting for you with a cup on the eighth floor to take your sample.
Just make sure it's the right man.
Ugh.
I know I sound like a stand-up comic, but don't you hate it when someone puts half a yogurt back in the fridge? Yes, and what is the deal with airline food? - Why don't they serve it anymore? - Hi, I'm Danielle.
The company feels very strongly that we should, "wheee" - have unprotected sex with each other.
- Oh, you're that Danielle.
You're you're on my compatibility list.
- Yes, apparently we would make very cheap, durable children.
- I know.
It's ridiculous.
I mean, just because your DNA matches mine doesn't mean you're gonna like pink's chili dogs or that your favorite movie - is "Caddyshack.
" - I swear I'm not hitting on you, but my favorite movie is "Caddyshack," and if pink's chili dogs were on the list, I would date them.
- But, uh, the list is stupid, right? - Oh, absolutely.
So we definitely should not do what it says and date.
Yeah, although my cousin is stupid, and he once had a good suggestion.
Excuse me.
Are you Linda? - Yes.
- Okay, I'm Greg.
- Uh, you're number one on my compatibility list.
- Oh, damn it.
What? You're good-looking.
Yeah, it bums me out, too.
Thanks a lot, God.
No, it's just, I'm not dating off that stupid list.
A friend and I made a deal not to.
We can't let the company breed us like golden retrievers or we'll all end up with weak hips and kennel cough.
Yeah.
I didn't want to do it either, but then I saw you, and next thing I knew, I'm standing here wanting to get to know you.
Oh, crap.
You're charming, too.
Just get out.
Ted, we need your help.
- Guys, I'm in the middle of - Veronica's demanding my sperm.
And the company wants to turn my testicles into twin hermits with no conduit to the outside world.
This is out of my area of expertise, so I will just see you later tonight.
That's nice work, fellas.
You know, that's why it wasn't called "Romeo and Juliet and Lem and Phil.
" - So what is going on? - Me first.
Veronica and I are a perfect genetic match, so she wants to bank my DNA but I don't want to have children.
- I'm a dangerous bad boy.
- No, you're not.
Shut up, Phil.
It's not your turn yet.
Plus, I don't want Veronica to be the mother of my children.
I might like my children, and she's the least maternal person I have ever known.
So Lem needs you to talk to Veronica and tell her to back off - because he is a coward.
Whew.
Now me.
- Phil wants you to find out why the company doesn't want any more Phils in the world.
Oh, and he's also a coward.
I tried to get my medical records from the company, but they say they're confidential and can only be released to other insurance companies, pharmaceutical reps, suppliers of medical equipment and for some reason, the R.
N.
C.
Okay, guys, relax.
I will take care of it.
I will talk to Veronica.
I will get you your medical records.
And then tonight, I will rescue a young, beautiful lady from a Tedless existence.
Now back to work.
This is why we draw pictures of him as a superhero.
He must never know about aqua-Ted.
I did it.
I stuck to our pact, and I stood on principle.
It was really hard, but I turned down this really good-looking, charming guy who Why are you backing away from me? What did you do, cri? You son of a bitch! Get out of my way.
Excuse me.
Move, please.
Move! Hi, Greg.
Does tonight work for you? Lem.
Oh! I've just gotta Ted tells me you don't want me to have your baby, and I shouldn't talk to you about it because it will make you uncomfortable.
- Is that true? - No, you never make me uncomfortable.
Why would he say that? "I'm dying to do it" is what he should have said.
Good.
Then get up to the eighth floor oh, as long as I'm here, what's going on with the edible moss project? - Well, we hit a little setback, and now I'm peeing.
- Please.
I'm not interested in all the little details of your life.
The NASA guys are coming tomorrow.
- Just make sure I have something to show them.
- Yeah.
Then I came to Veridian four years ago.
I like the people, but sometimes the company makes me feel so small and and unimportant.
Oh, man.
I can totally relate to that.
I used to steal creamer out of the coffee room.
I didn't even use it.
I just wanted to stand for myself and say hey, I'm here.
You don't control everything I do.
That is awesome.
I totally get that.
- I have my own little way of acting out.
- Really? - Yeah.
- What is it? - No, you're gonna think it's strange.
- Oh, come on.
I told you my thing.
All right.
Uh, twice a week after work, I put on a totally realistic bear costume and hang out in the park.
You what now? Yeah, it makes me feel powerful, mighty.
I don't scare anyone.
I sit in the bushes, root around for berries.
Ce I pushed on a camper you know, just bear kind of stuff.
I think that's great.
My date with Danielle was fantastic really fantastic, right up until I love you.
- I just blurted it out.
- Good God.
You told a woman you loved her on the first date? - That is so needy.
- I know.
In the blink of an eye, I went from sexy to psychopath.
It's just, I hadn't been with a woman in a while.
It was something I used to say to my wife.
You should always limit what you say during sex to moaning and helpful tips.
So did she say "I love you" back, - or were you the only crazy one in the bed? - No, it was just me.
But I covered for it, although I don't know if I made it better.
I love you tah.
You love Utah? Very much.
Why would you say you love Utah at this particular moment? It's it's just, uh, Utah, it's a very spiritual place for me.
I go there in my head sometimes during special moments Sex, birth of my child.
I've even yelled it at ball games.
Oh.
Uh Why Utah? Because I'm from there.
You are? Most of my family is from Utah.
Yeah.
Salt Lake City.
Where are you from? Not Salt Lake City.
I'm from I don't remember the name.
You don't remember the name of where you're from? Not the English name.
What other name is there? The Indian name.
- She used up the good one.
- Provo, Park City, Moab, Castleville, Cedar City Yeah, it's easy to play "Jeopardy!" When you're at home in your living room with all your clothes on.
Ogden, Fruit Heights, Ggoshen, Mayfield, Lewiston - All right, I get it.
You know Utah.
- You mean the beehive state? Anyway, once I started lying, there was no going back.
Before I knew it, I had made up this whole story about my childhood growing up on an Indian reservation.
Oh, Ted.
Wow, your grandfather sounds like such a proud man Trying to keep your culture alive.
Hey, hey, what's your word for grandfather? that means "goat," which is why we no longer eat goat.
What am I doing? The thing is, I want to keep seeing Danielle.
- I really like her.
- What's not to like? She's gullible and slept with you on the first date.
If her mom's not fat, I'd say throw a ring on it.
I'm gonna tell her the truth, but first, I need to spend time with her, you know, just just being me.
Then when I come clean, this will all be - just that funny story about our first date.
- Yes, Ted, maybe yours will be the one Indian story that ends haily.
Listen, I still ven't seen any edible moss, and NASA's coming this afternoon.
Go light a fire under your nerds.
I don't know where they are, but I'm sure you're an excellent tracker.
Hey, Ted-edict Arnold.
How did your date go with Danielle? - Good.
Really well.
- Oh, just really well? My date with Greg went really, really well, so - Ted.
- Danielle.
Hey, you want to maybe grab some lunch later? Yeah, that sounds great.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
- How do you say "lunch" in your language? - Oh, that doesn't have to be our thing, does it? Oh, come on.
It's such a beautiful language.
It's, um, gin-yi-ay- You have your own language? It's not mine.
I share it with my people.
And you have a people.
She thinks I'm an Indian.
Oh, goodness.
Hey, Linda.
Hey.
I had a really, really good time last night.
Me, too.
I told you so.
Uh, this is Ted.
He likes to pretend he's an Indian.
Oh, cool.
You ever pretend to stalk totally realistic-looking large animals? That's funny.
You're adorable.
Yeah? Then why don't we go out again tonight? Okay.
Ooh, maybe we can go to the park.
Phil, I'm having a bad day.
Tell me you're almost done with the edible moss project.
Sorry, Ted.
I am actively disappointing you.
I'm researching my family tree to find out why Veridian doesn't want any more Mymans in the world.
Oh, yeah, that.
I tried to get your medical records, - and the company won't release 'em.
- I have my answer anyway.
Turns out the entire Myman family line is worthless.
We have been hated throughout history.
The English hunted Mymans for sport.
The French used us as building materials.
The Russians had an expression - "as useless as a stack of Mymans.
" - Well, what about this medieval sect of warriors? "The screaming Mymans" that sound promising.
They weren't warriors.
The crusaders launched my ancestors over castle walls - as ammunition.
- Oh, good, you're here.
I need you to tell Veronica that I don't want to give her - my baby ingredients.
- I already did.
But then I untold her.
I'm so weak.
How can I ever look my sperm in the eye? At least you didn't lie to your sperm about being an Indian.
No, I did not.
But once when I was a teenager, I did abandon it at a bus stop.
We have a scientist problem.
God.
I can't wait until they invent their own replacents.
Phil is freaking out.
He needs to see his medical records.
Yeah, I noticed he was acting a little odd earlier.
Did you know that "turd" comes from the Gaelic word for Myman? Shh.
I love this song.
And you gotta back off Lem.
What's going on with you and this baby thing, anyway? I don't know.
My stupid sister just popped out another one.
And I held it, and it smelled really good.
It was soft and squishy, and for the briefest second, I didn't want to give it back.
Part of that was because I don't like my sister having things I don't have.
But part of it was something else.
Well, if that's what you want, it'll happen for you someday.
But right now, if you want Lem's moss, you gotta back off his sauce.
Hey, Danielle.
You ready for lunch? We could go to pink's, grab some chili dogs.
- This tie is ready for retirement.
- And I hate this dress.
Let's do it.
Hey, Ted.
Do you know if that' a fresh pot of aw-kay-how? Hi, I'm Linda.
Ted's an Indian.
That's his word for coffee.
He taught me his language.
Lakota wa-glacka oh-oosby wack-a-toonia.
I just asked him what he's doing is weekend.
And he says, in his language Wigloka netu-aken.
Ley wah.
Eh caso kah.
Pilo-Maya.
Really? Tennis again? I'm sorry, I interrupted you.
Please finish what you were saying.
He-ah.
Danielle's? He-ah? No, they look totally real to me.
- Were you two just talking about my - No! No, no.
See, the thing is, um, in my language, the word for tennis ball is the same as Ah, screw it.
I'm not an Indian.
I I lied about the whole thing.
Wait.
W what? You lied? Why why would you do that? Because I accidentally said "I love you" on our first date I I didn't want you to think I was needy.
It it just slipped out.
But if you think about it, it's about the sweetest thing a guy can say.
I mean, isn't that why we're all here love? Wait, wait, stop.
The headline here is you lied.
Yeah.
Plus, now I feel like an idiot for believing anyone's word for horse could be "climpe-clompety.
" I'm sorry.
I love you! Aah! What is wrong with me? Hello.
I'm Philip Myman.
I'm here for my free vasectomy.
I believe I am also entitled to a complimentary windbreaker.
We're out of windbreakers.
Would you like a spos bottle? No, I got the sports bottle when they rolled back my pension.
Phil, this is crazy.
Just because Veronica tells you to get your ass up here doesn't mean you have to go through with this.
She can't have your things, and she can't take my stuff.
She would make a horrible mom, and when she gets here, I'm going to tell her I'm ready.
- Relax.
I talked to Ted.
You're off the hook.
- Ted's a liar.
Let's just get this surgery over with.
- Then maybe you'll take me out and buy me a smoothie.
- We're not here for surgery.
I need to see Phil Myman's medical records.
Oh, good.
You have them out.
Give them to me.
- I'm sorry, ma'am.
These records are strictly confidential.
- This is my scientist, and you are making him very unhappy.
And I can't have him unhappy.
So you give me that file, because if I have to come back there and get it myself, then you're gonna be unhappy.
Do you understand? Ma'am, I can't.
Excellent.
I was hoping you'd say that, because I haven't gone balls-out crazy in a long time, - and it's my favorite kind of crazy.
-Wow.
Look how fierce and protective she is.
This must be how a baby lion feels when its mom yells at a receptionist to get its medical records.
So now it looks like we have ourselves a race.
Can you lock that door before I can get through it? You feeling lucky? Huh, receptionist? Run! I'm all bluff.
So, for a pure clean, all free clear is all you need.
Recommended by dermatologists Seeing Veronica ing so protective of Phil made Lem realize she did have maternal instincts, and that would make her a great mom.
Veronica, here's a cup of my sperm.
You've earned it.
Lem, you remember the guys from NASA? Gentlemen.
And after looking at his medical records, Phil was relieved to find out the real reason the company didn't want him to reproduce.
My sperm count is off the charts! I'm so prolific, the amount of kids I could have would cost them a fortune in health care.
The Mymans weren't useless.
They were just plentiful.
Your people are like the edible space moss of the human race.
And I realized, I haven't been with a lot of women since my wife, so maybe I am a little needy, and I need to get out more a lot more, and learn about Utah, just in case.
Hey, Ted.
Pilo-Maya.
That means I'm sorry I messed things up for you with Danielle, but I was pissed you dated someone from that stupid list when we had a deal we wouldn't.
But ruining your love life was a douchey thing to do.
Pilo-Maya a simple word for a complex idea.
Oh, that's okay.
Hey, I'm the one who lied to Danielle.
But at least you got something promising - going with that Greg guy.
- Yeah, about that.
Last night animal control shot him - with a tranquilizer in the park.
- What? Yeah, he was kind of dressed as a bear and pushing on a van with some teenagers in it.
Who would have guessed it would be a bad idea to let a giant corporation's financial agenda - dictate who we date? - Yeah, well, I guess you and Danielle sure learned that lesson the hard way.
Unfortunately, it seems sometimes that research is conducted on the people who work here.
What's all this? The company posted a list of single employees they think should date each other based on genetic compatibilty.
Yep, that sounds about right.
Wheee love is in the air.
Oh, gee.
Genetic engineering is romantic That's why it's so often used as a prom theme.
They're only helping hook up the single people.
Once again, the marrieds don't get to date.
We just have to go home to our cold, not-empty beds.
Phil, just because they used the word "wheee" doesn't mean it's a good thing.
Remember "wheee! It's pension rollbacks"? Oh, actually that was fun Until they rolled back our pensions.
So, Veronica, the company wants genetically compatible employees to pair up? Is this the first step in trying to breed somebody tall enough to change that lightbulb in the lobby? Why do you always think there's some dark motive behind everything the company does? Did a corporation once touch you in a place - that made you uncomfortable? - When they rolled back my pension, - I definitely felt it between the cheeks.
- Okay, fine.
This whole thing is about money.
- Happy now, Mr.
Cynical? - Well, technically, Mr.
Cynical can't be happy.
It's his power and his curse.
The company has thousands of employees, and every year, hundreds get married and have babies.
If Veridian can ensure the breeding couple is genetically compatible, the company will save a huge amount of money on health care for their offspring.
So to save money, the company's getting involved in people's sex lives? They may regret that, like when they tried to replace food in the cafeteria - with those nutrition pellets.
- Unlike eating those pellets, this is not a mandate.
Anything that starts with the word "wheee" is just a fun suggestion like the constitution and "wheee" the people.
This sucks.
Having my name on that dating board is like announcing to the whole floor, "ooh, look at Linda.
What a loser.
She's so single and alonely.
" - Alone.
Not lonely.
I'm fine.
- I know.
The whole thing is crazy.
Who does the company think it is, telling us who to boff? This is America.
We fought the British over our right to boff.
They wanted us to shag.
Ugh, I'm not even gonna look at that stupid list.
- Good.
Me neither.
- They don't think we're compatible.
- I know.
I saw that.
- The thing is, if I don't do it, everyone else is gonna hook up, - and then I'll look alonely again.
I'm fine.
- Well, I'm not doing it.
So we both won't do it.
- Good.
It's a deal.
- They can take our loneliness when they pry it from our cold, sad hands.
Is that the super-fast-growing moss for the NASA project? Yes.
I left the lid off the containment vessel, and it spread everywhere.
We'd better make it less aggressive.
It's supposed to feed astronauts, not feed on astronauts.
I've been called up to Veronica's office so I can listen to her yell at me about violating containment procedures.
Hey, the company sent me an e-mail about the genetic matchmaking.
Looks like they didn't forget the married people after all.
"Congratulations, Dr.
Myman.
Based on your DNA, the company is offering you a free" double clicking "Vasectomy"? - Why doesn't the company want me to reproduce? - Sorry, Phil, I can't think about your reproductive system right now.
I have to go see Veronica, and my own reproductive system has retreated like a turtle's head up into my abdomen.
Oh.
- You wanted to see me? - Yes, Lem, I want to talk to you about your sperm.
I I'm sorry.
It got out of its containment vessel, and it's extremely aggressive.
Wait.
Did you say my Sperm, yes.
I want to freeze yours.
It turns out you and I are the two most genetically compatible people in the entire company.
And while right now I'm neither interested in raising a child nor in playing landlord for nine months to a parasitic organism, I just want to keep my options open.
You want to have my baby? Well, using your DNA would only be my plan "e," behind fall in love and breed, clone, take one of my sister's kids or rip out the whole works and sail around the world.
Well, you would look good on the deck of the right ship tanned, wind in your hair, - no ovaries.
- You have outstanding genes, Lem, too good for a gal to pass up.
Your mother is a world-class scientist.
Your father was the first male supermodel.
- I did my research.
- Boy, this is a lot to take in.
- Excellent.
Then it's settled.
- What? There's a man waiting for you with a cup on the eighth floor to take your sample.
Just make sure it's the right man.
Ugh.
I know I sound like a stand-up comic, but don't you hate it when someone puts half a yogurt back in the fridge? Yes, and what is the deal with airline food? - Why don't they serve it anymore? - Hi, I'm Danielle.
The company feels very strongly that we should, "wheee" - have unprotected sex with each other.
- Oh, you're that Danielle.
You're you're on my compatibility list.
- Yes, apparently we would make very cheap, durable children.
- I know.
It's ridiculous.
I mean, just because your DNA matches mine doesn't mean you're gonna like pink's chili dogs or that your favorite movie - is "Caddyshack.
" - I swear I'm not hitting on you, but my favorite movie is "Caddyshack," and if pink's chili dogs were on the list, I would date them.
- But, uh, the list is stupid, right? - Oh, absolutely.
So we definitely should not do what it says and date.
Yeah, although my cousin is stupid, and he once had a good suggestion.
Excuse me.
Are you Linda? - Yes.
- Okay, I'm Greg.
- Uh, you're number one on my compatibility list.
- Oh, damn it.
What? You're good-looking.
Yeah, it bums me out, too.
Thanks a lot, God.
No, it's just, I'm not dating off that stupid list.
A friend and I made a deal not to.
We can't let the company breed us like golden retrievers or we'll all end up with weak hips and kennel cough.
Yeah.
I didn't want to do it either, but then I saw you, and next thing I knew, I'm standing here wanting to get to know you.
Oh, crap.
You're charming, too.
Just get out.
Ted, we need your help.
- Guys, I'm in the middle of - Veronica's demanding my sperm.
And the company wants to turn my testicles into twin hermits with no conduit to the outside world.
This is out of my area of expertise, so I will just see you later tonight.
That's nice work, fellas.
You know, that's why it wasn't called "Romeo and Juliet and Lem and Phil.
" - So what is going on? - Me first.
Veronica and I are a perfect genetic match, so she wants to bank my DNA but I don't want to have children.
- I'm a dangerous bad boy.
- No, you're not.
Shut up, Phil.
It's not your turn yet.
Plus, I don't want Veronica to be the mother of my children.
I might like my children, and she's the least maternal person I have ever known.
So Lem needs you to talk to Veronica and tell her to back off - because he is a coward.
Whew.
Now me.
- Phil wants you to find out why the company doesn't want any more Phils in the world.
Oh, and he's also a coward.
I tried to get my medical records from the company, but they say they're confidential and can only be released to other insurance companies, pharmaceutical reps, suppliers of medical equipment and for some reason, the R.
N.
C.
Okay, guys, relax.
I will take care of it.
I will talk to Veronica.
I will get you your medical records.
And then tonight, I will rescue a young, beautiful lady from a Tedless existence.
Now back to work.
This is why we draw pictures of him as a superhero.
He must never know about aqua-Ted.
I did it.
I stuck to our pact, and I stood on principle.
It was really hard, but I turned down this really good-looking, charming guy who Why are you backing away from me? What did you do, cri? You son of a bitch! Get out of my way.
Excuse me.
Move, please.
Move! Hi, Greg.
Does tonight work for you? Lem.
Oh! I've just gotta Ted tells me you don't want me to have your baby, and I shouldn't talk to you about it because it will make you uncomfortable.
- Is that true? - No, you never make me uncomfortable.
Why would he say that? "I'm dying to do it" is what he should have said.
Good.
Then get up to the eighth floor oh, as long as I'm here, what's going on with the edible moss project? - Well, we hit a little setback, and now I'm peeing.
- Please.
I'm not interested in all the little details of your life.
The NASA guys are coming tomorrow.
- Just make sure I have something to show them.
- Yeah.
Then I came to Veridian four years ago.
I like the people, but sometimes the company makes me feel so small and and unimportant.
Oh, man.
I can totally relate to that.
I used to steal creamer out of the coffee room.
I didn't even use it.
I just wanted to stand for myself and say hey, I'm here.
You don't control everything I do.
That is awesome.
I totally get that.
- I have my own little way of acting out.
- Really? - Yeah.
- What is it? - No, you're gonna think it's strange.
- Oh, come on.
I told you my thing.
All right.
Uh, twice a week after work, I put on a totally realistic bear costume and hang out in the park.
You what now? Yeah, it makes me feel powerful, mighty.
I don't scare anyone.
I sit in the bushes, root around for berries.
Ce I pushed on a camper you know, just bear kind of stuff.
I think that's great.
My date with Danielle was fantastic really fantastic, right up until I love you.
- I just blurted it out.
- Good God.
You told a woman you loved her on the first date? - That is so needy.
- I know.
In the blink of an eye, I went from sexy to psychopath.
It's just, I hadn't been with a woman in a while.
It was something I used to say to my wife.
You should always limit what you say during sex to moaning and helpful tips.
So did she say "I love you" back, - or were you the only crazy one in the bed? - No, it was just me.
But I covered for it, although I don't know if I made it better.
I love you tah.
You love Utah? Very much.
Why would you say you love Utah at this particular moment? It's it's just, uh, Utah, it's a very spiritual place for me.
I go there in my head sometimes during special moments Sex, birth of my child.
I've even yelled it at ball games.
Oh.
Uh Why Utah? Because I'm from there.
You are? Most of my family is from Utah.
Yeah.
Salt Lake City.
Where are you from? Not Salt Lake City.
I'm from I don't remember the name.
You don't remember the name of where you're from? Not the English name.
What other name is there? The Indian name.
- She used up the good one.
- Provo, Park City, Moab, Castleville, Cedar City Yeah, it's easy to play "Jeopardy!" When you're at home in your living room with all your clothes on.
Ogden, Fruit Heights, Ggoshen, Mayfield, Lewiston - All right, I get it.
You know Utah.
- You mean the beehive state? Anyway, once I started lying, there was no going back.
Before I knew it, I had made up this whole story about my childhood growing up on an Indian reservation.
Oh, Ted.
Wow, your grandfather sounds like such a proud man Trying to keep your culture alive.
Hey, hey, what's your word for grandfather? that means "goat," which is why we no longer eat goat.
What am I doing? The thing is, I want to keep seeing Danielle.
- I really like her.
- What's not to like? She's gullible and slept with you on the first date.
If her mom's not fat, I'd say throw a ring on it.
I'm gonna tell her the truth, but first, I need to spend time with her, you know, just just being me.
Then when I come clean, this will all be - just that funny story about our first date.
- Yes, Ted, maybe yours will be the one Indian story that ends haily.
Listen, I still ven't seen any edible moss, and NASA's coming this afternoon.
Go light a fire under your nerds.
I don't know where they are, but I'm sure you're an excellent tracker.
Hey, Ted-edict Arnold.
How did your date go with Danielle? - Good.
Really well.
- Oh, just really well? My date with Greg went really, really well, so - Ted.
- Danielle.
Hey, you want to maybe grab some lunch later? Yeah, that sounds great.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
- How do you say "lunch" in your language? - Oh, that doesn't have to be our thing, does it? Oh, come on.
It's such a beautiful language.
It's, um, gin-yi-ay- You have your own language? It's not mine.
I share it with my people.
And you have a people.
She thinks I'm an Indian.
Oh, goodness.
Hey, Linda.
Hey.
I had a really, really good time last night.
Me, too.
I told you so.
Uh, this is Ted.
He likes to pretend he's an Indian.
Oh, cool.
You ever pretend to stalk totally realistic-looking large animals? That's funny.
You're adorable.
Yeah? Then why don't we go out again tonight? Okay.
Ooh, maybe we can go to the park.
Phil, I'm having a bad day.
Tell me you're almost done with the edible moss project.
Sorry, Ted.
I am actively disappointing you.
I'm researching my family tree to find out why Veridian doesn't want any more Mymans in the world.
Oh, yeah, that.
I tried to get your medical records, - and the company won't release 'em.
- I have my answer anyway.
Turns out the entire Myman family line is worthless.
We have been hated throughout history.
The English hunted Mymans for sport.
The French used us as building materials.
The Russians had an expression - "as useless as a stack of Mymans.
" - Well, what about this medieval sect of warriors? "The screaming Mymans" that sound promising.
They weren't warriors.
The crusaders launched my ancestors over castle walls - as ammunition.
- Oh, good, you're here.
I need you to tell Veronica that I don't want to give her - my baby ingredients.
- I already did.
But then I untold her.
I'm so weak.
How can I ever look my sperm in the eye? At least you didn't lie to your sperm about being an Indian.
No, I did not.
But once when I was a teenager, I did abandon it at a bus stop.
We have a scientist problem.
God.
I can't wait until they invent their own replacents.
Phil is freaking out.
He needs to see his medical records.
Yeah, I noticed he was acting a little odd earlier.
Did you know that "turd" comes from the Gaelic word for Myman? Shh.
I love this song.
And you gotta back off Lem.
What's going on with you and this baby thing, anyway? I don't know.
My stupid sister just popped out another one.
And I held it, and it smelled really good.
It was soft and squishy, and for the briefest second, I didn't want to give it back.
Part of that was because I don't like my sister having things I don't have.
But part of it was something else.
Well, if that's what you want, it'll happen for you someday.
But right now, if you want Lem's moss, you gotta back off his sauce.
Hey, Danielle.
You ready for lunch? We could go to pink's, grab some chili dogs.
- This tie is ready for retirement.
- And I hate this dress.
Let's do it.
Hey, Ted.
Do you know if that' a fresh pot of aw-kay-how? Hi, I'm Linda.
Ted's an Indian.
That's his word for coffee.
He taught me his language.
Lakota wa-glacka oh-oosby wack-a-toonia.
I just asked him what he's doing is weekend.
And he says, in his language Wigloka netu-aken.
Ley wah.
Eh caso kah.
Pilo-Maya.
Really? Tennis again? I'm sorry, I interrupted you.
Please finish what you were saying.
He-ah.
Danielle's? He-ah? No, they look totally real to me.
- Were you two just talking about my - No! No, no.
See, the thing is, um, in my language, the word for tennis ball is the same as Ah, screw it.
I'm not an Indian.
I I lied about the whole thing.
Wait.
W what? You lied? Why why would you do that? Because I accidentally said "I love you" on our first date I I didn't want you to think I was needy.
It it just slipped out.
But if you think about it, it's about the sweetest thing a guy can say.
I mean, isn't that why we're all here love? Wait, wait, stop.
The headline here is you lied.
Yeah.
Plus, now I feel like an idiot for believing anyone's word for horse could be "climpe-clompety.
" I'm sorry.
I love you! Aah! What is wrong with me? Hello.
I'm Philip Myman.
I'm here for my free vasectomy.
I believe I am also entitled to a complimentary windbreaker.
We're out of windbreakers.
Would you like a spos bottle? No, I got the sports bottle when they rolled back my pension.
Phil, this is crazy.
Just because Veronica tells you to get your ass up here doesn't mean you have to go through with this.
She can't have your things, and she can't take my stuff.
She would make a horrible mom, and when she gets here, I'm going to tell her I'm ready.
- Relax.
I talked to Ted.
You're off the hook.
- Ted's a liar.
Let's just get this surgery over with.
- Then maybe you'll take me out and buy me a smoothie.
- We're not here for surgery.
I need to see Phil Myman's medical records.
Oh, good.
You have them out.
Give them to me.
- I'm sorry, ma'am.
These records are strictly confidential.
- This is my scientist, and you are making him very unhappy.
And I can't have him unhappy.
So you give me that file, because if I have to come back there and get it myself, then you're gonna be unhappy.
Do you understand? Ma'am, I can't.
Excellent.
I was hoping you'd say that, because I haven't gone balls-out crazy in a long time, - and it's my favorite kind of crazy.
-Wow.
Look how fierce and protective she is.
This must be how a baby lion feels when its mom yells at a receptionist to get its medical records.
So now it looks like we have ourselves a race.
Can you lock that door before I can get through it? You feeling lucky? Huh, receptionist? Run! I'm all bluff.
So, for a pure clean, all free clear is all you need.
Recommended by dermatologists Seeing Veronica ing so protective of Phil made Lem realize she did have maternal instincts, and that would make her a great mom.
Veronica, here's a cup of my sperm.
You've earned it.
Lem, you remember the guys from NASA? Gentlemen.
And after looking at his medical records, Phil was relieved to find out the real reason the company didn't want him to reproduce.
My sperm count is off the charts! I'm so prolific, the amount of kids I could have would cost them a fortune in health care.
The Mymans weren't useless.
They were just plentiful.
Your people are like the edible space moss of the human race.
And I realized, I haven't been with a lot of women since my wife, so maybe I am a little needy, and I need to get out more a lot more, and learn about Utah, just in case.
Hey, Ted.
Pilo-Maya.
That means I'm sorry I messed things up for you with Danielle, but I was pissed you dated someone from that stupid list when we had a deal we wouldn't.
But ruining your love life was a douchey thing to do.
Pilo-Maya a simple word for a complex idea.
Oh, that's okay.
Hey, I'm the one who lied to Danielle.
But at least you got something promising - going with that Greg guy.
- Yeah, about that.
Last night animal control shot him - with a tranquilizer in the park.
- What? Yeah, he was kind of dressed as a bear and pushing on a van with some teenagers in it.
Who would have guessed it would be a bad idea to let a giant corporation's financial agenda - dictate who we date? - Yeah, well, I guess you and Danielle sure learned that lesson the hard way.