Big Boys (2022) s02e01 Episode Script

1
Everyone said the first year
of a uni degree doesn't count.
It's something that happened,
but of no real value whatsoever.
A bit like when Liz Truss
was Prime Minister
or Jade joined the Sugababes.
It ultimately provided
absolutely nothing.
We cum at the same time
You make it feel like
the first time
Promise, never tell a lie ♪
But for me, first year of uni
was where I started
to discover myself.
I left my cushty home
as a full-time closeted mummy's boy
and entered the world of Brent Uni,
which ranked at number 138 out of 139
for student satisfaction.
Oh, shit.
I tried drugs, butt plugs.
I even drank some poppers.
I can taste metal.
But mostly I made pals with this lot.
Yemi, student fashion icon
and gay best friend.
He's like the agony aunt
on This Morning
if she were Nigerian
and into piss play.
Corinne, the scariest Scottish woman
since the mum who called
her kids "disgusting"
for leaving a shit in the toilet.
But she was a total babe.
And finally, there was you.
Somehow, despite the fact you bought
yourself Linx Africa gift sets
and didn't find Jeremy Clarkson's
bullshit books unbearable
you still became one of
the best mates that I'd ever had.
And whilst I fucked up trying
to figure out who I was
you were dealing with struggles
of your own.
So after failing first year,
you came to live with me and Mum
that summer,
and for the first time
since Dad died,
I felt part of a proper family home.
And you finally opened up about
how you hadn't always felt
part of one either.
[ALARM BEEPS]
[RAISED MUFFLED VOICES]
DAD: What you done with it?
What you done with it?
[SIGHS]
[MUM, MUFFLED:] ..I'm a monster.
I just bought her a pint!
I bought her a pint.
Yeah, all right.
What you taking an attitude for?
I bought her a pint because
it's MY money, isn't it?
I've got a job coming!
Cos I told you,
Troy's gonna pay me!
[THEY CONTINUE ARGUING]
sick of hearing you say that!
You're talking rubbish!
Where's my top?
Don't want to lose you
Don't want to lose you ♪
You're driving me mad!
You once told me about the time
your parents rowed
so bad they forgot to
take you to school.
How, on this occasion, they both
didn't come back for days,
each one believing
the other one was home with you.
[BRAKES SCREECH]
So you were just stood at your door
completely by yourself.
Your body's awful
The very shape ♪
And that was the day
Hello?
[SIGHS]
you left and moved
in with your nan.
Hurry up, Danny.
My dad had one wish for his 60th -
that we all pilgrimage to the most
beautiful spot in Watford.
Somewhere he'd go after chemo
that would provide solace
and clarity of thought.
So we went to the
Pub! Pub!
We're going to the pub!
Shannon's planning a party that
You're all gonna love!
Well, it's not a pub as such.
It's more like a sports
and social club.
It's rough as dogs, more like.
Shut up, posh spice.
Thank you, Corinne.
Jack's become a real snob
since being the first to go uni.
The other day
he made me try choriz-EE-o.
It's actually chori-THO.
Nah, it's actually not.
I was a holiday rep in Magaluf
and they all just say chor-IZZO.
Can you all just hurry up
a bit, please?
Because I've planned a very good
finger buffet that is going stale.
A finger buffet for
a dead man's birthday.
IN POSH ACCENT: Ooh.
Will there be chorizo?
And crudites with sweet
chilli sauce?
GIGGLES
I remember a time
without sweet chilli sauce.
Yes, and it was shit, wasn't it?!
Britain before sweet chilli sauce
was shit, actually.
And now it's bearable, so come on!
Here we are. Yours first, darling.
Thank you.
For you. Lovely, thank you.
Here we are, ladies.
Thanks, Nan. Here's yours.
Oh, yeah.
Your mum did tell me
you're a gay boy now.
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER]
Grab your old man stool.
So, as my cousin Shannon
tried to pull the pub chef
who fingered her in year 11,
my nan gambled away
her basic state pension
and I sat surrounded by
shit chat about Nick Clegg,
a mobile DJ called Keith interrupted
every song with an anecdote
about footie or X Factor, or how
This party can't go on all night.
Got to get back to my wife.
Keith didn't have a wife.
And as you'd just got back into uni,
you were adamant to find us all
a home that you'd always dreamed of.
So, I'm thinking one of them
big American fridges, yeah?
A garden flat enough for a hot tub,
like, a bathroom with a bidet.
Ooh. A bidet is a gift to a bottom.
Do you just make everything
about gay sex?
I wasn't.
Danny, are you going to be able
to find somewhere nice?
Because, you know, second year
of our degree actually counts.
Yes, and I'm going to need some
pretty private quarters,
as I have quite a few gentlemen
of the night who frequent.
You don't need to be polite
around me, darl.
I know you love cock. [LAUGHTER]
All right, listen,
I'm going to find us
a beautiful little family home,
all right? Don't worry about it.
And I love having lots of people
around me,
even if they are complete
strangers from Grindr.
Can I just say Yeah?
not to be racist,
but I have never lived
with two whole Caucasians before.
Oh, babe, you'll be grand.
My mum's so white me and dad
have our own cupboard in the kitchen
because her seasoning
capabilities are fucking shocking.
I used to spend a lot of time
in here as a kid,
mostly cos it was always
too loud and laddy
and cos I had really bad IBS.
[PERSON CLEARS THROAT]
WHISPERING: Oh, my God.
I haven't told Jack that we've been
smoking weed all summer.
Oh. Thank you.
Don't need an earful
from my own son.
You know, I might ask out Corinne.
You should.
Yeah. She's got a great arse.
Mm, she does have a great arse.
I mean, we both do. [GIGGLES]
I just think we'd be
really good together.
Babe
sometimes you just
got to go for it.
Like, would you ever
want to date again?
Maybe.
Don't tell Jack.
Problem with blokes my age
is the good ones are taken
and the rest are, like, perverts,
alkies or can't get it up.
To be fair, I think that's the same
with blokes of all ages.
And so I got down on my knees
after finally coming out during the
gayest summer in British history,
with the first gay weddings,
first drag winner of Eurovision
and first album from Kylie in years
and I
Oh, fuck! My eye! Ah!
It's in your eye ♪
got a mobile DJ's cock in the eye.
WOMAN: Keith, you in here?
[ZIPPING]
Just coming, love.
Your record player's jammed
and all we can hear is,
"It's Britney, bitch" over and over.
Hey, you all right, Gabriel?
What's going on?
We need to go now.
What? What's that?
Hang on, has someone just
started on you?
No, no, no, I just need to go, OK?
You got a dick
in the eye, didn't you?
The DJ's been Grindr messaging me
all night,
begging me to come to the loo.
What are you doing trying to have
sex at your dead dad's 60th?
Respect. I wasn't.
There was a hole in the wall.
Hey, what's wrong with your eye?
Nothing. Let me kiss it better.
ALL: No!
The problem you have, Jack,
is you're going for the wrong guys.
What? I wasn't going for Keith.
I just, I finally come out
to everyone,
and yet my sexual life
is still a disaster.
It seems to me that
you've come out to all of the
important straight
people in your life,
but you've forgotten to inform
one very crucial group.
Who? The gays, Jack.
You're not proactively doing
anything about loving cock.
Being gay isn't just loving cock.
It's quite a prerequisite.
Right, listen. This year,
you need to get out there IRL, OK?
Start chatting some lads up.
I mean, look.
Take a leaf out of
your cousin's book.
Snogging.
For that month before second year,
I read numerous gay self-help books
about how not to be scared of anal.
Meanwhile, you became
increasingly anal when viewing
any of the available student flats.
It feels so good to be back
But our love is gone
It's our favourite song
Oh, no
I could have made a picture ♪
Ooh. Are you and her still kinda
I don't know, maybe.
I quite like her, you know?
She's just so chill.
Danny! It has been four weeks
since you promised to find
us a house
and you've secured fuck all!
Look, I'm just trying to find us
an amazing place with a hot tub.
[EXHALES EXPLOSIVELY] Right.
I am back from Scotland
for 24 hours only,
in which time we have to find
a house before I scoot off back home
to vote in a referendum
for our independence.
So my people are never again
lumped with yous lot.
All right, Braveheart.
Shoes on, lads.
MUFFLED SCOLDING CONTINUES
Aw. I'll miss Scotland if they go.
Hm. I love shortbread.
And
Lorraine.
Thank you. Thank you.
Please be quicker. OK
Please be quicker.
Mm! What a woman!
Christ, Jan! Slow down.
You've nearly done me out a loaf.
I know. I am just so hungry
at the moment.
Honestly, you know what they say.
If you can smell toast
You might be having a stroke?
A stroke of luck, that is,
because somebody's made toast.
Oh, for the love of God.
[CORINNE SIGHS]
Take a number.
It is first come, first serve
and you may be
stood here a little while.
Uh, please do not get
Just Eat delivered to this location!
There is no recycling
or waste facilities!
God, this is like my
X Factor audition.
You auditioned for X factor?
No, no, no, no, no. What?
Yes. Me and my college friends
were in a band called
The Slag Pipes.
Well, I auditioned for the
S Club Juniors, but they said
the other kids would have never
been able to keep up with me.
You once told me you did that.
I just stood and cried
when the backing track began.
Dad had to drive me home.
I just really wanted
to meet Bradley, you know? Yeah.
a lot of properties
don't actually have that.
If you'd like to go through.
We're never going to get this.
Oh, come on, it'll be fine.
This is the first day of
the rest of your life.
This is the first day
of the rest of your life.
Has it been like this
the whole time?
I mean, I don't know.
I've been looking at much
nicer houses than this.
Oh, God. What if it's like this
for every viewing?
It is. This is
one of the most competitive
student property markets in London,
if not the world.
Up your game, girls. Play dirty.
I'm sorry. Who is this?
Well, let's just say every year
I see friendship groups torn apart
by this process.
In the quest to make
a home in this realm.
This other Eden.
This over-expensive demi-Paradise
known as Brent.
Right. If we have to play dirty,
we're going to get fucking filthy,
boys, this is war.
You actually frighten me, Corinne.
I've had a semi since "Slag Pipes".
Can I see some photos,
actually? No.
Oh, hell, no. Oh, shit.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Right, lads, new plan.
OK? We have to start being the very
first four people outside a house.
What if we're the first four people
INSIDE the house?
Mate, you don't have to do this.
Shut up, Jack! We need this place.
Worst he'll do is just
shatter his collarbone.
What?!
It's fine. You're doing great.
Nicely done, Dan, pal.
Hi. Very nice.
Shit. That's,
that's the estate agent's early.
Jack, go and distract him.
What, how?
Go and chat him up or something,
all right? Get some practice in.
[THUDDING]
[CLATTERING]
We good?
This place is amazing.
Come over!
Just let us in, Danny.
PEGGY: Sharon, darl
Yeah? I couldn't help but notice
there's sick in the toilet pan.
Yeah, I know.
I was so, so sick
when I first got here.
Well, you could have flushed it away.
Well, no, because I keep being sick.
So I've uploaded a picture
of the sick to a Facebook group,
right, where this woman
called Anoushka Delafonte
analyses your sick,
tells you what's
wrong with you, like,
whether it's an allergy
or something sinister.
OK. But still, you could
have flushed the sick.
Oh, my God! What if Anoushka
Delafonte needs more sick pics?
What if she needs a different angle?
What if she needs a sample?
OK, well, I've flushed it, so
Well
[SHARON SCOFFS]
let's just hope Anoushka
doesn't need it
for further inquiry, shall we?
Hello, you.
Hi.
Are you looking for the property?
I'm looking for lots
of things, really.
Mates, dates
village fetes.
If you catch my drift.
Well, there's one outside
Hemel Hempstead I go to.
And do you come here often?
Erm, well, if a tenant has an issue,
I will endeavour to fix it. So
Cool.
Er, no. No, no, no.
Now, look, I know what
you're trying to do.
And you're not
going to skip the queue.
And I'm married - to my wife.
I'm just musical theatre trained
and used to have a lisp.
YEMI: I want en suites.
Yeah, go on, fill your boots.
OK, yeah, this is sick. Right?
Yeah, this is sick.
We could make this
such a nice little family home.
I'll be out in the garden just,
like, chopping wood, topless.
Probably.
You'll be in the kitchen,
topless, I imagine. Shut up.
Think of us all having, like,
family meals around here
on our shit Ikea plates.
Me and you and our two
little gay sons.
[CORINNE CHUCKLES]
Oh, sweet.
Maybe even get some art. Yeah, OK.
Do you know what art is, Danny?
Uh, yes.
I know what art is.
Look at this place. Yeah.
And just think, like, you know,
some nights put the kids to bed
and we can have a
little romantic meal for two.
[CORINNE LAUGHS]
What?
I'm being serious.
Like
why not give this a proper go?
Danny
Corinne.
Um
Jesus. You know that I love you.
Um, but back in Edinburgh,
I've sort of
started seeing somebody.
Oh, God. Oh.
OK, that makes sense.
I didn't, I didn't want to say
anything whilst you were getting
back on your feet
and I know that we have history,
but I didn't It's fine. Listen.
It's good. History is history, so
[CORINNE SHRIEKS]
[ESTATE AGENT SCREAMS]
[SHARON GASPS]
Oh, Shan. What's wrong?
What's Anoushka Delafonte saying?
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Peggy, if I'm pregnant,
who's going to do
my kid's party bookings?
You know, I was going to launch
my own company next year with Nan!
Shan and Nanigan's Party Planners!
But don't worry about that yet.
We've still got options.
But I wanted to travel
round South America.
I was hoping to run
the London Marathon.
You know, what if
I can't do that now?
Well, that might be a blessing.
Oh, shit.
Oh. What? I've applied to go
on Tipping Point.
[SHARON CRIES OUT]
Firstly
trespass!
Secondly, the decimation
of cherished antique teapots!
And thirdly, I'm taking all of you
off of our viewings list.
Good luck trying to find
somewhere to live now.
What? Fuck's sake!
I knew this plan
was doomed from the start.
Listen, we'll just take it now, OK?
All right, I'll go in there,
I'll clean up, OK?
I'll pay for all the damages.
You cannot live here anyway.
This is an LGBTQ+ only house share.
Yeah, I know, but You knew?!
Yes. Yeah, all right. I was going
to tell him I was asexual,
but he can obviously tell
I love the puss
Danny, shut up!
Corinne, you're not LGBT.
Come off it, Jack.
I'm obviously bi.
I knew I should have gone solo.
No. You and me were going
to find a two-bed at one point.
Oh, what? You both were
going to move somewhere without us?!
Jack, you live so close to uni,
I can smell your mum's Asda
potpourri from here.
YOU leave my mum's potpourri
out of this!
Guys Face it.
We have five days until term starts
and we have nowhere to fucking live!
Just live here, then!
All right? You lot just live here.
Just fucking live here.
[MELANCHOLY PIANO CHORDS PLAY]
Fuck.
PEGGY: Shan!
You've been in there 45 minutes.
Talk to me.
Shan?
TEARFULLY: Pegs Oh.
I'm going to have a baby!
[PEGGY GASPS]
Oh, darl! Oh
I wanna hold you in my ♪
[THEY CRY LAUGH]
Aw! But d'you actually want
a baby, though?
Because you wanted to go travelling.
Yeah, and I will.
But I'll just go around
Costa del Sol with my son instead.
[PEGGY GASPS]
[SHARON LAUGHS]
Oh, yes!
Aw!
Oh. Anyways, it could be a daughter.
No, it's defs a boy.
Because I've done nine tests
and every single one
has come up
with a blue cross.
Right.
Can I ask about the father?
Yeah. Can you not,
actually? Just because
I'd rather think
about that another time.
OK. Yeah.
How are you going to tell Nan?
How are YOU going to tell Nan?
Cos I obviously can't.
Not in my condition.
Oh.
Danny's still not answering.
I was being such a dick.
Don't worry.
He just really wanted us
to find a nice place together.
Yeah. OK, let's just get on
the emergency housing list
and see what they have.
Ah, well, if it's emergency
housing you're after,
I'm afraid there IS an emergency
in that I've run out of emergency
and very much waiting
for more emergency to emerge.
So in the meantime,
I suggest you find hostels
or boyfriends or
OK, Jules, this is the second time
you've let me down.
Hm. And that's fine,
but Danny needs somewhere stable.
So what I'm going to propose to you
is that you let us back into
The blue shed?
For all four of us.
We're lodgers,
but we're paying full rent.
Yay! Get in!
Come here!
[THEY CHUCKLE]
Oh, my God, are you serious?
CHUCKLING: Yes. Oh.
CHUCKLING: Aw! I'm so sorry.
I've been such a twat.
I've literally been sat here
looking for two-beds
for you and Yemi.
There's no need, pal.
We'll get enough shite Ikea plates
for the four of us.
OK. Yeah? I'm getting my room back.
Yeah, you are.
WHISPERING: Yeah?
Let's just keep the baby thing -
all the detail - from
Jack's gang, please.
I really want to make
a big impact on Facebook
when I upload a scan pic,
get the likes in, you know.
LOUDLY: Sshh!
Want some bubbles, gals?
Oh, not for me, thanks.
Come on, we're celebrating.
Yeah, but I can't cos of the baby.
Oh, no.
Jack, can you just pop into the
kitchen, please, a minute?
Me and Shan have got something
we need to tell you.
OK.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Right. Well,
we heard some news tonight.
And we wouldn't want you
to find out from anyone else.
What? What is it?
Well, it's,
it's just been confirmed that
That Alison Hammond is doing
Strictly Come Dancing.
No! Deep breaths.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
Oh, my God!
I'll need to be home
every Saturday night to watch it.
No. I told you
this was going to happen.
No, no, no, Jack,
you need to be more outgoing.
Come home on Sundays hungover
and we'll watch together.
Yeah, great idea, Mum.
If I watch it Sundays,
I won't be able to vote in time.
Will I?!
He's nasty to you.
Here you are. Aw, your key?
Thanks for letting me
stay this summer.
Yeah. I really do, like
Any time.
Night-night, Danny.
Night-night, Pegs.
Like I did ♪
Night-night, Laurie.
DANNY: God, this is weird.
It smells exactly the same,
doesn't it?
I know, like dust and jizz.
Dusty jizz.
And so we started our
second year at Brent Uni
knowing we had to make it count.
Let's run away ♪
She's nearly here.
Come, come, come, come,
come, quick.
The stars
Hello?!
Walk. Walk, walk.
The stars will guide us
Let's run away ♪
BOTH: Hey!
Freedom!
[CORINNE LAUGHS]
Yeah. We're sorry Scotland didn't go.
But we just wanted to say,
whether you ever leave us or not,
we'll never leave you.
You daft pricks. Come here.
Come here.
[THEY CHUCKLE]
ALL: Mm!
Aw, very sweet.
Thank you.
Is your new Scottish boyfriend
going to be wearing a kilt
every time he comes over?
Spencer's English, sadly.
What? Yes.
Just graduated from Edinburgh Uni
and he lives in Highgate.
What does he do?
Is he a twat?
You will take the piss. I won't.
Yes, you will. I won't.
He's a spoken word artist.
I actually think that's
really brave.
No, go on, then. Spoken word.
Yeah. Get into it.
Lives unheard
Tales of
Turds. Oh, fuck off!
And he is coming to stay next
week, so can we please just
Look, I'm happy for you. I am.
Hello, you.
Welcome home.
You OK, mate?
Yeah.
You know.
Onwards and upwards.
I mean, look, now my dick works,
I'm going to be doing a lot
more shagging in here,
so you might want to invest
in some earplugs.
Same.
I am here, you know.
Sorry, Shannon. Yeah.
Look, thanks for helping us out.
Nah, who am I to talk?
I'm the one that's bloody pregnant.
Fuck's sake!
I keep doing that.