Bizaardvark (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

1 What's up, guys? I'm Paige.
- I'm Frankie.
- And we're Bizaardvark.
Coming to you live from my kitchen.
We have exciting news.
Tomorrow is our first day of high school at Sierra High.
- Go Terriers! - (cheers and applause) - Dolphins? - Whales? - Sheep.
- Sharks.
- Rat.
- Fish.
- Goose.
- Salmon.
(both laughing) We should look that up.
Anyways, our old school, Hollander Prep, was a serious place, where everyone only cared about learning and homework.
Here's a highlight reel of all our favorite moments there.
- (high-pitched hum) - Paige: Footage not available.
They also made us wear these - horrible uniforms.
- (buzzing) Which we don't need anymore.
We don't have to wear this - Ow! - I'm sorry! So, to honor that fine institution, we're gonna fold them up, and lay them to rest.
Both: In a wood chipper! - I'm so excited! - Ready? - One - Both: Two, three! That was the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life! I wanna wood chip everything! Both: Eggs! Both: Scrambled eggs! Pillows! Both: Scrambled pillows! Both: Paint! Huh.
We just made beautiful abstract art.
Both: Abstract art! Our birth certificates! Now we're no one.
(clap of thunder) Both: Glitter! Both: Still glitter! - Both: Bernie! - Really? Sorry.
Heat of the moment.
Honestly, I'm just happy you thought of me.
Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
Frankie, it's amazing! It's nothing like our stuffy old school! I know, everything is so normal.
Normal clothes.
Normal lockers.
Normal jerks! (both laugh) Hey, everyone! Can I have your attensh for a mome? I'm Principal Karen.
But don't think of me as your principal.
Think of me as your friend! Ha! What up! (sneezes) Ooh! Your schedules are available in the cafeteria.
Have a great first day, and feel free to swing by my oficina anytime.
I've got four bars of WiFi up in there.
Okay? (laughs) Hello, Sierra High! (cheering) - Swish! - (cheering) - Ham swish! - (cheering) (cheering) (applause) - Welcome back, Dirk.
- What up, P.
K.
? Ssss! Even though you've graduated, you will always be my favorite student.
And, good news.
We saved your old locker.
Sweet! My school chainsaw! Also, you know that dare you do every year, where you grease yourself up and slide head first from the cafeteria to the gym? The Tarzana Times called it, "dangerous and unnecessary.
" Okay, don't be mad at me.
But we had to build some new classrooms, and so now there's a wall between the cafeteria and the gym.
"I forgive you, Principal Karen, wanna go to a party?" (laughs) I'd love to, Dirk, I'm sorry we fought.
It's cool.
I'll figure out the dare.
You don't graduate from Sierra High without learning a thing or two about problem solving! Well that's in there forever.
This can't be right.
We don't have any classes together, not even lunch? - How are we gonna survive? - (laughs) Paige, relax.
This isn't our old school.
We're gonna fit in great here.
And at the end of the day, we'll catch up on everything we missed.
We can do this.
Yeah.
(laughs) Oh, no.
I have a teacher named Mr.
Fartelli.
How am I not gonna laugh when I say his name? Paige? We're in high school now? Okay, be mature.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
- (fart noises) - (laughing) - Love you.
- Love you more.
Maya Sanderson? (to himself) Okay, Bernie.
First day at a new school.
Nobody knows you here.
You can erase the past and make a perfect first impression.
Just listen for your name and then confidently say "Here.
" - Bernie Schotz? - Rear! Uh, sitting on my rear.
I love butts! Just stop, it's over.
You're Butt Guy.
Introducin' the one and only, Amelia Duckworth.
Young lady that is not how we enter my classroom.
You're right.
I'm so sorry.
Amelia, Amelia I'm kinda super famous Hey! You're Amelia from Perfect Perfection! Hey! I'm Mr.
Hattleberg from I Don't Care, Iowa.
- Take a seat.
- (gasps) Ooh, I'll take this big one! With the students.
Ew.
Sorry.
I've never been in a classroom with other kids before.
I've been homeschooled my whole life.
But I promise I know how to behave.
Mr.
Hattleberg, I have a question about Hey Ameliacs, I'm comin' to you live from my first day of public school.
It's already goin' great, and everybody loves me! The only thing missin' is a light dusting of my Purposely Perfect perfume! (students coughing) Now seems like a good time to put on a movie.
(sighs) (to himself) Okay, Bernie.
Second chance.
Amelia took all of the attention off of you.
Just don't associate with her and you're in the clear.
I'm gonna marry that girl! - (school bell ringing) - Hey! Hey! Hey! Aw! Come on, I was only like five seconds late! Aah! Lockers, am I right? Please pair up and find your lab partner for the year.
Hey, do you? Oh.
Uh, huh Hey.
Do you wanna be Oh.
You're with him.
He looks smart.
Good for you.
Um ah Somebody gets to be partners with the teacher.
Awkward.
(students laughing) Whoa.
A laugh.
That felt good.
Looks like I'll be picking on you a lot this year.
Aah! Whose side are you on, locker? Oh, hey, is that seat? Oh.
Hey, do you mind if I? Saved.
And, I'll stand.
And, I'll clean up my food while everyone stares at me.
(to himself) Okay, Dirk, this wall is the only thing stopping you from sliding from the cafeteria to the gym.
But you're smart.
You can think of a super clever way to solve this problem.
Hey, wall! Look over there! (thud) Oh! Ohh! Ohh! Your toe hurts because you kicked a wall.
Waaaaaaaah! (thud) (thud) Aah! I'll put that in the "maybe" column.
- Paige! Finally! - Hey! I've been dying to talk to you! Me too.
This day has been unbelievable.
I know, I love it here! People are so friendly, I've met all these cool new people.
Really? Uh, that's that's great.
Oh, and Mr.
Fartelli? That guy's an inspiration.
He told me I could do anything, and for the first time in my life I believed it.
Wow.
Yeah, that um, that sounds like Mr.
Hattleberg.
He told me to sit down, and I I did.
Can you believe we thought we weren't gonna fit in at this place? - What did we think we were, losers? - Losers! (laughs) No, not these girls! So, what else? I wanna hear all about your day, tell me everything.
Leave out nothing.
Come on! I was only five seconds late! Awkward.
Ohh! (crash) It was great.
Everything was great.
I had I had a perfect first day.
- Yay! - Ha! - I'm so proud of us.
I'll call you later.
- Cool.
I'll just I'll be here.
Totally loving school! Ohh! Did I hear someone say they're totally loving school? I am doin' the job! Hey, Sofie, can you grab that for me? Sure thing.
(horn honking) Okay, I feel like you're just showing off.
Please.
If I was showing off, I woulda done this Free candy! (cheering) (festive music playing) Foot five! Take that, wall! Ahhhh! Hm.
Doesn't work when I'm small, either.
Hey, Dirk.
You got a sec? Yeah, sure.
What's up? You're a legend at school, right? M Maybe you can give me some advice? Totally.
You have my full attention.
Great.
So, um here's the thing.
My first day at school has been terrible.
I feel like no one likes me, I never see Paige, and all these crows have been staring at me.
That's not really a school problem, but it's freakin' me out.
Maybe if you had a car.
Sure, but I'm 14.
I just feel lost.
And I I don't wanna tell Paige what I'm going through 'cause she's having so much fun.
Who built this wall? Well, I I guess, metaphorically, I did.
Wow, Dirk, you're a really deep guy.
(as Bigfoot) Don't worry Dirk.
Bigfoot's here to help you.
Smash! Smash! Smash! Dirk, were you even listening to me? (whirring noise) That's it! I'll strap five leaf blowers to my back, fill them with nitro fuel, and then blast through the wall! Frankie! You just solved both of our problems! What? No! We just solved yours! What just happened? (to herself) All right, Amelia.
You've been at school two days.
Time to make your first new friend.
(imitating Amelia) I'm perfectly annoyin'.
Spritz, spritz.
Spritz, spritz.
(laughs) Wow.
I don't know who you're impersonatin', but that person sounds terrible! Oh.
Is it you? Oh.
(to herself) It can't be that hard to fit in.
I mean, what is Paige doing that I'm not? My mom burned the pot roast.
- So, pizza again! (laughs) - (others laughing) Oh, okay, tell a story about your family.
Everyone can relate to that.
And my Aunt Helen burned the house down, so prison again! Oh my gosh, twinsies (screams) Oh, okay.
Find common ground with someone, and react with excitement.
Hey! We both have backpacks! (screams) Check me out, I'm a balloon man at a car dealership, tryin' to get the teacher's attention.
Call on me! Oh, shoot.
Call on me! Oh, shoot.
- (students laughing) - Duh, make people laugh.
Why didn't I think of that in the first place? Hey! Everyone! Check it out! I'm a mummy taking its driver's test! - I hope it's a green light - (grunts) (grunts) Dude! What's your deal? I'm so sorry, I didn't I didn't mean Whoa! Whoa! Frankie, are you okay? Not everyone fits in here like you do, Paige.
Did you hear? They're giving away free spaghetti in the cafeteria! Frankie what's going on? Paige, I'm sorry.
Okay, I I'm sorry I blew up at you.
It's just this week has been so crazy.
I I keep trying to fit in, but nothing's working.
What? (sigh) I had no idea, y you said you were loving it here.
Why didn't you tell me? I was too embarrassed.
Like, at Hollander Prep I didn't care that we didn't fit in because I knew those academic kids were wrong about us.
And then we came here, and I saw how easy it was for you to make friends, and now I finally realize what the problem was it's me.
Hey, don't talk about my best friend like that.
There's nothing wrong with you.
It doesn't seem like that.
(sigh) Feels like I need to change every single thing about me to fit in here.
(sigh) Whoa.
We need to talk this out.
Step into my office.
What, you got an office? How good was your week? I meant the stairs.
Good thing I wore my cargo pants, these are very meatball friendly.
Amelia? Are you okay? Nobody likes me here.
Frankie, I get what you're going through.
But that doesn't mean you need to change who you are.
I think you need to change who you are.
Remember that time we met at that crazy music class? As soon as I saw you, I knew you were cool.
I knew you were flawed, like, right off the bat! You were funny, and original.
And selfish, and arrogant, and condescending, and You gave me confidence.
- You said - I was the size of a pea with the eyes of a rat.
I feel so lucky to know you.
You know, some nights I write in my journal "Why do you talk to this girl?" And then I'm like, "Oh, 'cause she's hot.
" And that's why you're my best friend.
That's literally the only reason we still hang out.
Like, if you weren't pretty Think about our first week at Vuuugle.
We freaked out and thought that there was something wrong with us.
Then we met people who like us for who we are.
And the same thing is gonna happen here.
You just gotta give it time.
A lot of time.
You're gonna need it to make these drastic personality changes.
Wow! Look, Amelia, I know there's a sweet, sensitive girl in there, and with a little work, other people will, too.
You know what, Bernie? When I listened to you just now and looked into your deep, black, rat eyes, I realized you're right.
I do have a lot to work on and, from this day forward, I'll work on being a better person.
Thank you.
(to himself) Okay, Bernie.
All you need to do is nothing.
She said, "Thank you.
" (screams) She thought about it.
Thanks.
I feel a lot better.
I just I got so overwhelmed.
Hey, next time you're having a hard time, don't be embarrassed.
Just tell me.
I'm always gonna be here for you.
Oh, hey, I wanna show you something.
You got me an "and" symbol? - Open your locker.
- (laughs) Aww, poops and farts.
- Paige and Frankie.
- (laughs) I know.
I know, I know.
- Love you.
- I love you more.
(laughs) Hey, I've been meaning to ask you this all week, but, are you guys Bizaardvark? - (laughs) - Yeah, we are! - I'm I'm Paige.
- I'm Frankie.
I told you, I told you, I told you! I'm Claire.
You guys are hilarious.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thanks.
Do you wanna hang out after school? We're getting froyo.
That sounds awesome.
Dirk's doing the dare! He's doing the dare! ke sure you tag me! Thanks for coming, everybody! And thank you to Principal Karen for letting the entire school skip class to watch me blast through that wall! (cheering and applause) I'm cool! I've got five leaf blowers strapped to my back, and a tank full of nitro fuel.
Let's fire up the engines! (cheering and applause) Fire one! (heavy wind) Fire two! (heavy wind) Fire three! Hey, Sierra High, what do you say? Students: Here we go! (crash) Dirk: Dare completed! (cheering and applause) Yeah! Yeah, yeah! (crash) Dirk: Okay! I'm outside now! Dirkie, no! Dirk: Uh-oh, I'm headed back towards the school! - Uh - Principal Karen? I wouldn't stand there.
Pretty obvious you're gonna get destroyed when he comes back - (crash) - Ohhhhh! All: Ohhhhhhhhhh! Hey, guys! Bizaardvark here with some back-to-school tips.
Do you ever find that your long hair gets caught in your locker? Probably not 'cause that's really specific.
Well, don't worry, 'cause there's a hot new product out there just for you.
It's called a haircut.
Whoa! How did this happen? - Editing.
- Way to ruin the magic, Paige.
Check out all the new looks I can do.
Surprised hair what? Tacos? Horror movie hair don't go in there! The killer's in there! Nooo! Abraham Lincoln hair! - (patriotic music) - Four score and seven years ago - Paige's hair! Oh, no - All r All right, that bit's over.
Time to show everybody Bizaardvark's newest video about our first week of school.
Okay, I'm not gonna lie, this week started out rough, but we brought our "A" game and now we got this thing on lock.
We're new school superstars.
- Uh - It's back to school time, son And we mastered this place Let's tell 'em how it works Both: We're new school superstars We're superstars We're new school, uh We're new school superstars We're superstars We're new school This is a backpack, you use it to carry your books - We got this - This is a fountain And water comes out when you push We got this The janitor cleans up your mess if you spill on the floor - We got this - I hate you.
We got some lockers and know how to open the door - We - Wait So So what is it? - Right 16, left 32 - No, you passed it.
- (sigh) You're supposed to pass it.
- Now you gotta reset it.
Do I put back to zero? Yeah, but I think you turn it the other way.
Aaah! How is this not digital? We're new school superstars We're superstars Yeah, we're new school, uh We're new school superstars We're superstars We're new school This is a door and you use it to enter and leave - We got this - We We already had that.
This is the air and you need it to live, so you breathe - Okay.
- This is a light switch - You flip it to turn on and off - Where are we going with this? If you have a cold, the symptom you get is a cough That's common knowledge.