Black Books s02e01 Episode Script

- Oh, my God.
- Isn't it great? No, it's ridiculous.
Why did you get it? And why is it in my shop? Manny said I should get a hobby.
It'll be gone soon - they need a winch to get it up to my flat.
You'll be bored of the piano in ten minutes.
No.
I'm getting proper lessons from this Russian guy.
His ad says he never fails.
Right.
I have been working now for - I'm going to lunch.
- You can't.
Don't sell this, it's reserved for Williams, all right? - Where's my cure? - It's not my fault you're hung over.
It is.
If you were a normal person, there wouldn't be so much to blot out.
Where's the flake? I was looking for Blue Sands.
Sorry.
- This is not for sale! - Flake, flake, flake, flake.
Oh, God! Beat it, flaps.
This teacher is coming tomorrow, is that OK? Here's your bloody flake.
- Bernard? - What?! This is reserved for Williams.
You know what he's like.
It's written in the ledger.
"Williams - Blue Sands.
" Will you get out of the way for the lesson? Shut up, all of you! I'm dying.
Jesus, more hobbledehoys.
You can't leave me alone with them! They're all over the place like a nest of pigs! Why can't they all just go away and Oh, Manny, look.
I'm going.
I don't even need a book.
I just heard this was funny but sorry to bother you.
- No, wait.
It's yours.
- No! That belongs to Williams Great.
How much do I owe you? Nothing.
Sorry it's not beautifully wrapped.
Thanks.
What are you doing? Why did you give that to that girl? That's the woman I love, not "that girl".
Hello? No, they're all gone.
We sold the last one.
Mr Williams, your book.
Do you fancy a drink? I'm afraid Manny's just sold the last copy.
Terribly sorry.
Again! Come on.
Three Blind Mice! - God, not again.
- What's the matter? We've done this for 10 minutes, it's not what I imagined.
Neither was my first wife.
Play! You see? I can't play.
Even if I had I want to watch a video.
Can we go get chips? When you hired me, you hired a Slavanski.
My family has taught piano for 200 years.
Of all my 13 brothers and sisters, I was the one sent on the scholarship.
The rest stayed behind in the yurt.
- What's a yurt? - A tent made of beaver skins.
No slouching.
Play! - Where were you? - Fran kicked me out for her lesson.
Shut up.
I'm not talking to you.
What? A customer was a bit disappointed.
Quite disappointed.
I'll make it up to you.
I'm sick of being used.
I'm sick of your lies.
- How will you make it up to me? - I'll buy you a Jeep.
No.
I want the weekend off.
I mean it.
I want a life.
This is life! We suffer and slave and expire, that's it.
We have needs.
Fran's got her piano.
I want some time to myself.
You want to go out with a girl.
Don't make me laugh bitterly.
Fran will fail, you'll toil your life away and I'll die alone, upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.
- Just just ask her out.
- It's pointless.
Look at her, she's got goodness running out of her ears.
I bet you the weekend she says yes.
Go on, give it a go.
All right, all right, look.
Hello.
I'm, erm - not that it matters - erm, Bernard and Nice to meet you.
Kate.
- The book's good.
Thank you.
- Oh Do you eat? I do.
Want to do it in the same room sometime? - Er, well - You're busy.
Probably seeing one of your four million friends.
Never mind.
There, you see? Is tomorrow all right? - You did ask me out? - Yes, I did.
And I'm sorry to bother you.
I pass by the shop anyway, say eight o'clock? - E-Eight - Good.
See you then.
What does that mean, "see you then"? It means me, duvet, TV, Maltesers, behind a locked door.
I win.
I've got the weekend off.
You've got a date.
Fran's having a great time with her piano.
Who's suffering now? You tell me.
Ha! Enough! Enough today.
Lots of work to be done.
Stupid piano.
You will practise all evening, swear to me.
I swear.
I will be back tomorrow and every day until you can play.
I got the weekend off.
That girl, I mean Kate, she asked me out.
Couldn't resist my musk.
- What's the matter? - It's so unfair.
I must be musical.
I've got hundreds of CDs.
He wants me to practise all evening.
He's such a meanie.
Hm.
I always wanted to learn but my parents forced me not to.
I spent hour after hour playing football all by myself.
Peering in at all the other children practising their piano.
Get on with it, you're not off till tomorrow.
What are you gonna do with your time off? Oh, I dunno.
Long baths, braid my beard, unbraid it.
Lie around fondling moonbeams, being a lord of leisure.
Go on, you, get cracking.
OK, got to get down to this.
W- Where are you going? Drink.
Oh.
Ah! I can play! Ah! Hey! Argh! - Nooo! - Shut up! Ooh, drinking when you should be practising? Naughty, naughty.
After this, you're on your own.
My time off starts now.
I was listening to the radio, I picked up a few chords.
Oh, Manny, don't! My head.
Josef is coming.
He'll squeeze my face and my brains will come out my nose.
No noise! It's good, isn't it? Sort of relaxing.
I picked up this as well.
It's quite famous.
It goes Miss Fran? I've been practising.
Therefore I don't need to have any more lessons and so you can go home.
Hmm.
I see.
How wonderful.
And did you pick up anything else in this single evening? Impossible! I don't believe it.
Nobody picks up jazz so quickly.
It was me showing off.
I play jazz.
This is Bernard.
Just a friend.
Have you been teaching my pupil, Mr Bernard Jazz Friend? Come away from the piano, please.
Now, play again.
We shall see.
How can this be? Well, I did practise all night.
Don't be upset, Josef, you inspired her.
Yes, thank you, Josef.
You've done a wonderful, wonderful job.
Today she's a natural, yesterday it was cats screwing.
All credit to you.
This morning she played Brahms, Handel, Bach Bach! My favourite.
Before I go, please.
No, I can't.
It's not good enough.
A perfectionist! Excellent.
I will return tomorrow.
- No, but-but - Ah.
Tomorrow.
What did you say that for? Now he's coming back! Don't worry, Manny's gonna pick it up.
No, he won't.
He's on holiday, remember? He'll be watching the Test match in bed, eating tiramisu with a long spoon.
Manny, what could be nicer? It's really relaxing, you said so yourself.
Faster.
Faster! You're not trying.
Feathery strokes.
- You just told me to dampen it.
- Damp feathers.
You have to become the piano.
Play from within.
Argh! This isn't fair.
I get the weekend off, you meet Kate.
Ah! The lucky girl.
I have to freshen up.
Er No.
Come on, come on.
It's not as if you've been asked to play anything difficult.
This is Bach's Prelude 21.
What would you describe as difficult? Ritzenberg-Toscanonovic- Prokofiev-Poppinofftoshops.
OK, you can have a break.
Tea? Oh! That'd be lovely.
I'll have one, too, thanks.
And a bickie.
- Hi.
- Oh, hello.
I brought the book for you to read.
It's funny.
What are you playing? Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Well, jazz.
And classical.
And everything.
- Rubbish, really.
- Go on.
- Oh, I'm not very good.
- That doesn't matter.
Usually I have to rub linseed oil into my triceps before I Well, maybe a little ditty.
Hang on.
No.
No way.
Not possible.
I refuse.
Absolutely no.
That is a pity.
Have a nice weekend repricing every book in the shop - they've all just gone up by a penny.
Er, now there's just, er, something I wanted to, er, ask you.
Erm, do you Have you Have you ever, erm Have you ever read this? - No.
- Well, don't.
It's just birds.
Birds, birds and more birds.
Owls, finches, sparrows, that kind of thing and it's It's very, very dull and birdy.
So stay away from that, OK? - OK.
- All right.
OK.
Good.
Now, do you want to? Have a seat, have a seat.
Now music.
Sounds good.
You've been practising.
- Oh, hello.
- Hi.
You are the lowest.
How can you? Awful, eh? Much worse than lying to that sweet old blind man.
Clear off, you're ruining my gig.
Good, isn't he? Amazing.
The truth is he's a genius.
This is nothing.
Upstairs he's got rooms full of his most recent paintings.
He can, er, speak nine languages, blow glass, do hard sums, but he wouldn't tell you.
He's just so modest.
I had no idea.
He seems so sort of awkward.
What he needs is someone to give him confidence.
Right.
That was a bit clumsy.
I'm usually better.
That was just fine.
Come on, you're taking me out.
Cheers.
Money.
Taxis, dinners, tips.
What did you say about me? Just nice things.
Oh, you poor thing.
Oh, Manny, you mustn't let him exploit you like that.
You come and sit down.
There.
You sit there.
And have a nice practice of the Bach for Josef.
Get off.
This is my holiday, I'm going to the pub.
I'm never playing for you again.
Well, if you can pick it up just like that anybody can.
You freak! Ohhh, God.
Come on, Manny, please! Josef is gonna be here in a minute.
Don't! Stop! Stop.
What am I gonna say to him? He'll kill me with his cane.
You.
What did you say to Kate? She thinks I'm the Renaissance.
She'll think I've lied.
I had to go along with all this reclusive genius stuff.
She'll be upset when she finds out I'm a reclusive wanker.
You have lied, both of you, it's your fault.
I'm hung over and on holiday.
I'm going to lie down.
He's right.
We just have to tell them the truth.
- Josef! Um, hello.
- Fran, my dear.
Yes, erm, er Now, this is very difficult for me.
I know, I know.
Bach is always a challenge.
Permit me to introduce my father, who flew in this morning from Petersburg.
Miss Fran, my father Petor.
Hello.
Yes, er, this makes what I have to say even more difficult.
But wait.
My grandfather Anton, all the way from Odessa.
He taught the Tsar before the revolution.
Hello, erm, yes.
They have both come just to hear you.
Now, what did you want to tell me? Wait.
Hi.
Oh hi.
Er, I feel very bad This is Mr Bernard Jazz - very good.
No, I'm not at all.
You've got to stop putting yourself down.
Go on, play something.
Yes Sorry, hang on.
No, I can't help either of you.
I'm dying.
Look, if you just say yes, I'll stop doing this.
A week off! I'll distract Kate.
A whole week, all yours, paid, from today.
Spoon me.
Bravo! Go on, your turn.
How about a duet? Huh?! Bernard? Yeah.
Please, no! - And one, and a two - No! No! One, two, three, four.
Ah! Oh! Bravo! Bravo! Extraordinary! I think possibly the second best performance I ever heard.
Yeah, no big th Second best? No more, no more.
In '43, I heard Rachmaninov.
He finished with Flight Of The Bumble Bee.
You almost approached him.
You're never happy, are you? Rachmaninov? I bet he used all his fingers.
I'm sure you could do better.
Exactly.
Exactly.
We'll do our party piece.
Yeah.
We only use one finger each.
It's in triple time.
It's called Flight Of The Seven Million Bumble Bees.
Impossible.
You're joking.
- You think so? - Just watch this.
Mmm.
Oh, that's good.
Wonderful! That's just the ticket.
Shut up.
So Josef shouted at you, you're a failure, but hush your noise.
I can't even get a refund cos it's full of bloody spoons.
Manny, get the aspirin.
No.
I hope your head explodes.
Have some pity.
You get drunk when you've been dumped.
I'm delighted.
It's all your fault.
I've sprained my ankle, I can only see out of my ear.
- Everything hurts.
- Please! No!