Black-ish (2014) s02e01 Episode Script

The English language is made up of 26 letters that form over a million words.
Some of them can be a little hard to say.
Fool me once Shame on Shame on you.
Fool me can't get fooled again.
Some of them can be a little hard to understand.
Numbnut? Numnah is a felt or sheepskin pad placed between oh, numnah.
And some of them are just ridiculous.
And even within that massive sea of words, one word has managed to stick out as the word, and it's a doozy.
I'm talking about the "N" word.
Some people have said it, and it made big news.
Sometimes it comes exactly from the places you'd expect.
And sometimes it doesn't.
My granddaddy, who lives on a tobacco plantation in South Carolina, said to me the other day, "do you know what's wrong with this country?" "Nothing.
" Phew.
Okay, next I'd like to bring out Jack Johnson, performing a dance and a rap for us.
she gives me money when I'm in need she gives me money when I'm in need I gotta leave get, get, get, get, get down I gotta leave yeah, she gives me money when I'm in need she gives me money now, I ain't saying she a gold digger, unh but she ain't messin' with no broke [Bleep.]
unh and I ain't saying she a gold digger, unh but she ain't messin' with no broke [Bleep.]
unh and I Okay, no.
- Told you it was a doozy.
- Uh, no.
Begged him to go with the radio edit.
Begged him.
Hey, son, are you okay? Hey, Mr.
Johnson.
Our new principal apologizes for not being here.
He wanted you to know that his absence is due to an actual emergency and has nothing to do with hearing that dealing with you can be somewhat traumatizing.
Why is my son being sent home? Well, the school has a zero-tolerance policy for any form of hate speech.
What idiot came up with that? Zero means zero! Zero means zero! Zero means zero! Mm-hmm.
How was I supposed to know it was gonna come back to bite us in the butt? Well, it did, Bow.
Took a big old chunk out of our ass.
Half a cheek gone.
Well, where did Jack get an idea to say a word like that in the first place? Wha She gives me money oh! But I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger but she ain't messin' with no broke [Bleep.]
Oh! Get down, girl, go 'head, get down Hey! Oh, my God.
It's my favorite song.
And we play it every day on the way to school.
Damn it! It's his birthright! Jewish kids get to go to Israel.
Black kids get to say this.
Dre! That is ridiculous! Nobody should say it.
It is an ugly, hateful word with an even uglier and hate-filled history.
- Yeah, of it being said to us, not by us.
- Oh, my God.
With as usual, son, you have absolutely no idea - what you're talking about.
- But That is not a word that black folks need to be using, ever! No.
You see, I never used it.
What?! You [Bleep.]
act like these lights around here gonna pay for themselves.
Uh Well, I only said it to separate myself from the rest of you people.
Mm-hmm.
Unlike Earl, I really never say it.
What?! Watch it [Bleep.]
Saying it to your daddy's trifling behind don't count.
Oh, agreed.
All we're saying is, of course every now and then it slips out, but it's never said casually and never in mixed company.
Exactly.
It's only a judgment said with disdainful indictment.
Pops, you and mom's generation used the word for self-hate.
You made it negative.
My generation we reclaimed it, and we use it as a term of colloquialism and power.
Same way the slaves took the leftover pig guts and found them plants growing in the woods and turned it into chitlins and collard Greens.
That's what we did with the "N" word.
Yeah, here he come with that chitlin argument.
Can you believe this [Bleep.]
- Hey! - Oh, hey.
Mom.
Dre, we've got a meeting set up.
We're gonna go down there, and we are gonna straighten this whole thing out.
- Oh, yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- We gonna straighten this out.
- Mm-hmm.
Mom, dad, today was an exhilarating day at school.
- Oh, God.
- I think I finally found my calling in life.
I'm gonna be Eco hero.
Oh! - Oh, God, he's such a disappointment.
- Dre! I'm insisting that our family start initiating some of the practices I've been learning at school.
- That's nice.
- Mm.
Like our lawn.
We can start by shortening the sprinkler cycle.
Nope, not gonna be the only black family in the neighborhood with a brown lawn.
Agreed.
Next.
Okay.
Shorter showers.
Next.
If you wet your body, turn off the water, lather up, then quickly rinse off, you can cut your water usage down by a ton.
Um, I need at least a 45-minute lather just to feel like myself, am I right? - What?! - Yeah.
From now on, you get 10 minutes.
- 10.
- You let them braids drip-dry.
Fine, maybe I'll start going down to the kennel and let them wash my hair for me, because I'm obviously an animal.
- What? Oh.
Okay.
- Oh! Those are not weapons, young lady! They are now! Okay, so you're telling me not only do your moms and pops not want you to say it, but your girl don't want you to say it, either? Yes.
Can you believe that? Wow.
They want you to live in a [Bleep.]
-free zone.
I'm telling you, man.
My house is not a home.
- Mm-hmm.
- Not if you can't say [Bleep.]
it's not.
That's what I'm saying.
They keep taking.
- I think - Nope.
- No, no, no.
- No, no.
Tr-tr-tr - John, no.
- I got this.
- Trust me, trust me.
Tr-.
So, as a African-American - Josh.
- Yes? You do not have to say African-American.
Just say black.
Oh, good.
Oh, well, in that case, you know what word I miss? Hmm? - "Colored.
" - Oh.
Oh! Whoo! Whoo! Okay.
- Oh! - Oh, my God! No, no, no! - What's up? - No, I-I just Okay, uh, Mr.
Stevens, that word is offensive and reminiscent of a not so great time in American history, so let's all just take it down a notch.
Maybe re-holster our firearms, Charles.
In that case, maybe someone should tell that to the NAACP.
- You got a point.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, that group been sending mixed messages for a long time.
Sure.
That's all.
That's all I'm saying.
Throwing it out there.
That's all I meant by that.
Hey, guys, guys.
I'm so confused.
Josh, all you need to know is that it's not okay for you to say the "N" word.
- There you go.
- Sure.
- "Negro's" still bad, right? - Ooh.
- Cock it.
- Copy that.
Copy that.
Okay, well, in that case, maybe I should put a stop payment on the half-million-dollar check that I just wrote to the United Negro College Fund.
Come on, Mr.
Stevens, be honest.
You only wrote that check so you can say negro.
Well, I definitely don't do it so I can't say it.
Um Zoey, it's been 25 minutes, and you're still running on full throttle! The world is like 85% water.
Calm down, dude.
It's all fun and games until we're roaming the desert drinking our own urine like Mad Max! Oh, brother.
Oh.
This is not a joke! - I really don't get it.
- Sorry to keep you waiting.
No worries.
Not at all.
- I'm Principal Green.
- Yeah.
- Oh, snap! - Okay.
- Ha! Looking like a young Denzel, baby! - Wha Looking like "St.
Elsewhere.
" - Okay.
- What is poppin', brother? Come on, brush that off.
I like this.
- Uh, okay, Mr.
Johnson, have a seat.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
For sure.
- Sit down.
- Okay.
- For sure.
Uh, so, I hope you know the board is taking this matter very seriously.
Yeah.
Can you believe these white folks? Dre.
Yeah, we understand, and we want to work to find a solution.
As do I, but you, Dr.
Johnson, should know better than anyone, - the rule book is pretty cut and dry.
- Yeah.
In fact, didn't you write the rule book? Eh, just the foreword.
So, you know that there is a zero-tolerance policy here.
- Uh-huh.
- Yes.
And believe me, I-I get it.
This this is a touchy subject.
It is.
Very.
My [Bleep.]
Dre.
- What? - Okay.
It's "Training Day," baby.
Doesn't he look like Denzel? Okay, let's cut to the chase.
We're going to have to expel Jack.
- What? - What? I cannot believe you.
What? I was only quoting "Training Day.
" How was I supposed to know the brother hadn't seen "Training Day"? Do you know how hard it's gonna be to find Jack another school this time of year? Public school ain't so bad.
What's the sense of sending your children to a fancy-shmancy school if they're gonna be the brokest ones there? Solid point.
Besides, teachers in public schools, they don't break up fights.
There's a lot of good lessons to be learned from an ass-whooping, you hear? I don't want to learn a good lesson.
Sorry, friend.
This is happening.
Relax, little buddy, all right? You're not getting kicked out of school.
What he said.
Nothing is set in stone yet.
Is is what we're gonna do.
- We're gonna march down to that school - Oh, no.
and we're gonna appeal to the board.
Dre, you are not going anywhere, okay? - What? - You've done enough.
Besides the fact that you are not Principal Green's - favorite person right now.
- It was arguably Denzel's best work.
It was all right.
Okay, I am going to handle this.
With all the volunteer work that I've done, I've garnered a ton of love, and there will be a flock of parents that will back me up with the board.
Fine.
Hey, baby girl.
How you holding up in school without your little brother, huh? You okay? Diane, what are your thoughts on Jack? My brother is a monster.
Next question.
It's been rough.
But I'm managing.
Hey, Zoey.
I'm sorry to bother you, but I found this in my rose garden.
Oh, I-I don't know anything about that, but I'll take it.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
By the way, I love your extra-wide-soled Birkenstocks.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
I got them at Zappos.
I'm affecting change.
You're affecting my life.
So, Bow worked the phones and reached out to parents to rally support against the cause she rallied for.
I know, I know, I-I was a big proponent of zero tolerance, but the thing about zero tolerance is it doesn't really mean zero tolerance.
It just it sounds better than one tolerance.
Do you under Hello? To be honest, the Bow of 2014 was very naive, and I was on a lot of prescription painkillers.
No, no, no, no.
I've changed, okay? I'm a different person.
Uh-huh.
- Hey, Bow.
- Yes? Are you sure you don't need any help? Under control! I am beloved! Okay.
I'm so sorry about that.
I just feel like there's some hateful things that we should be able to say.
You know how women say hateful things, but, like, as a term of endearment? Oh, you got to go? Okay.
All right, I'll talk to you later, slut.
So, Bow was unraveling.
Hello? But I never felt more certain about my stance.
Mexicans can't say the "N" word, but Dominicans are okay? Exactly.
Puerto Ricans are cool, too.
Unless you're a J-Lo Puerto Rican.
As opposed to a? Rosie Perez.
Look, it's simple.
Big pun, fat Joe okay.
Mm-hmm.
Mark Anthony, Ricky Martin, no bueno.
Mnh-mnh.
See, basically, the whole terror squad can say it.
- But not Menudo.
- Agreed.
Oh, what about that thuggish ruggish bone Don Lemon? Hell no! I wish he would.
Not even when he's quoting the president.
- Mm-hmm.
- And speaking of presidents, Bill Clinton probably shouldn't use it, neither.
But I wouldn't be crazy-mad if he did.
Know what I'm talking about? I know what you're talking about.
This feels like a horrible system.
You know what? I agree with Josh.
What? Charlie, when you agreed with me that black people should be able to say it, what was your reasoning? It was a lot of things, Dre.
But mostly it's a great rhyming word.
Trigger, jigger, digger.
It's basically impossible to stream together a decent 16 without it.
Okay.
All right, all right.
Uh, okay, what about you, Curtis, huh? Did you only agree with me because you work for me? What? Of course not.
Okay.
So what if I said we shouldn't be able to say it? It's a cancer on language, boss.
Oh - Right? - My God.
Was Bow right? Is is no one allowed to say this word? What are you talking about, Dre? So, I'm supposed to just never be able to end a rap line with "go figure"? Please.
Kshh! Kshh! Kshh! Kshh! - What's happening? - Kshh! He's got an outstanding point there, Dre.
No, he's just making funny noises with his mouth.
So, those idiots at work had me more confused than ever.
Was my precious word actually a bad thing? What are you thinking about, dad? What the hell?! Ah, you're thinking about that "N" word thing again, aren't you? Junior, what are you doing in here? Oh, well, since I couldn't get anyone to take shorter showers, I figured I'd start doubling up to try and save water.
- You're my shower buddy.
- I Anyway, like I was saying, do you think you're coming off a bit strong on this whole "N" word thing? Forcing your agenda on everybody around you, not thinking about how it might be affecting the people that you care about? How is it that you can understand that and think that this is okay? Huh?! Dad, if I could get in front of you real quick, I need seven and a half seconds for Hell no, you're not about to get in front of me! You crazy?! While the back half of junior's head was covered with soap, the front half had made some pretty good points.
Pops.
You know, I've been thinking about this whole "N" word thing.
And? Maybe I need to stop worrying about defending it and focus on getting my son back in school.
Or you could home-school him, then he could drop those "N" bombs you love all day long.
I don't get what the big deal is.
My friends use the "N" word all the time.
Which friends? Well, Dylan, Asher, Jacob Oh, honey, those sound like white boys.
Don't you know any Tyrones or Kelvins, or maybe a nice Knowshon? Oh, I do know one Tyrone.
But he's in jail.
Hm.
That can happen to Tyrones.
Yeah.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Why do you let your white friends say it? It's not like they mean anything by it.
It's just a word.
I can't believe this.
My generation fought to take that word back while your sexting, insta-dummy generation is giving it away to everybody.
Well, your dumbass generation opened the floodgates with your willy-nilly, hippity-hoppity "yo, what up, my [Bleep.]
" nonsense.
No, no, no, no, pops.
I'm not gonna let you turn this around, man.
That's exactly what the white man wants.
He either wants nobody to say it because he can't, or everybody to say it because he wants to.
No, no.
I ain't gonna let him get away with that.
What? Andre, have you eaten today? Look, my son should be able to say the "N" word to his heart's content.
What? And and Asher should never be able to say it! Daddy, you really should eat something.
I don't care what Bow says.
I'm gonna go down to that school board meeting, and it's not just to defend Jack.
It's to defend my tribal call.
I got to stop your idiot class of kids from giving the ultimate pass.
And I am hungry! I'm either gonna grab me a nectarine or some turkey breast! Do you have any final words before the board renders its decision? Oh, I-I've said I've said so many things.
Um, if you if you could just just look at his face.
I mean, it's obvious he could've never meant any malice or derogatory intent.
Show them your face, sweetheart.
Show them.
Look at that.
- Dr.
Johnson.
- Yes? Am I to infer that you want us to overturn Jack's expulsion because he's cute? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Of course not.
I-I'm I get - that that would be crazy.
I told you that wouldn't work.
It's never failed me before.
Oh, God.
Is the ride over? I never wanted you to focus on the cute part.
I mean, I firmly believe that the "N" word should not be said by anyone, right? But, I mean, in in in Jack's case, it's it's just sort of it's unique.
How so? Well, you know, I mean Well, it's, um and the word it kind of it matches I don't understand.
You don't understand? Okay.
Um, it's like if if you, Ms.
Nixon, were to call Mr.
Travis fat.
I-I don't think anyone did you just call me fat? No.
No! No, no, I would never I have a pituitary disorder.
Of course you do.
Clearly.
Clearly it's clear that that's very believable.
You're not stopping my son from saying the "N" word.
Mr.
Johnson, what's the meaning of this? We're in the middle The meaning is I know what you're trying to do, and it's not gonna work.
You people are trying to eliminate a word from my son's vocabulary because you think it's ugly.
Is it not? From you, it would be, and maybe Principal Green.
You know he ain't even seen "Training Day"? So, maybe we should just let everyone say it since we don't have the right to say that no one can.
No, no, no, no.
Hold up, man.
Hold up.
Your people got it off a lot for a long damn time.
Don't you think we deserve a run at it for a while until we figure it out? I don't know about that, but I know the rules are clear.
Well, you know, I-I wish someone would explain them to me, because the way I see it, like most rules, they only work against people who look like me.
- Excuse me? - Think about it.
Paula Deen says it and catches a little flack, but then in turn, gets $100 million in funding.
Quentin Tarantino writes it more times than I can count in "Django," and he wins an Oscar for it.
My son says the "N" word and gets kicked out of school.
What does Paula Deen and Quentin Tarantino have to do with anything? I-I-I-I-I don't know.
I lost my way.
See, this is what happens.
My blood sugar low.
But but what I do know is that this whole country has been schizophrenic about what to call black people for two centuries.
And the last person that should be held accountable for it is an 8-year-old boy who doesn't have an ounce of hate in his heart.
Come on, son.
We're going home.
All right? All right.
That's very sweet.
There's a lot of love in our family.
Oh.
All right.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Okay.
You've never seen "Training Day"? Anything happen at school today? Nah, not really.
Fielded the usual questions.
"Is Jack dangerous?" "Does he belong to any fringe hate groups?" - What?! - Yeah.
I'm taking some pretty heavy heat just trying to deal with the shame you brought upon this family.
Eh, enough about me.
How's home? Uh Spongebob was funny.
I don't even know where we should start looking for a school.
I think there's one in Watts that has a nice balance of Crips and Bloods.
Being in that kind of environment keeps one completely on their toes.
Again, solid point.
No, it isn't! Hey, hey, son, relax.
My e-mail.
Oh, my God.
What? Is it the Crips?! - No, no, wait.
It's from Principal Green.
- Hey, hey.
"Based on the arguments presented by Mr.
and Dr.
Johnson, the board has decided to change Jack Johnson's status from expelled to suspended for a three-day period.
" - Yeah! - We won! My 12-second showers finally paid off! I won the Eco challenge.
You might've won the Eco challenge, but you sure lost any chance of getting a girlfriend.
Oh, you smell like wide-open ass, boy.
Go outside! So, party time, I know I've been telling you it's okay to say the "N" word, and I'm not saying that you shouldn't.
But I think you should hold off on saying it until you know the history of it to make your own decision.
That's fair.
Okay.
Now, if you do decide to say it, I don't want to hear you rattling it off in mixed company, especially not in school.
Okay.
And thanks for having my back, dad.
Always.
Night, son.
I love you.
You know, son, I don't agree with everything or anything that your generation has done, but the way you're raising these kids, I got to give it up to you.
Well, thanks, pops.
Y-you know, it's Now, if you dummies could just pull up your damn pants, might have a chance.
Okay.
For the record, let's get a few things straight.
Dad, it's not Quiet! Please.
The "N" word is not for everybody.
You cannot say it.
You definitely can't say it.
Hell, you better not even think it.
And you I'm gonna need to meet your mom and daddy.