Black Jesus (2014) s02e01 Episode Script

1 (heavenly chorus singing jubilant gospel melody) Glory be to God! What's happening, pimps? (laughing): Hey! What's up, Dianne? Oh, this better be good, hmm? What's up? You ain't happy to see your boy? You said you had something to tell me about Jason, - so what is it? - Okay, okay.
Pops said that he wants you with Jason so much that he's never, ever sending any good man your way again.
None.
Finito.
Whew! So glad to get that off my chest.
That was a burden on me.
D-D-D-Did you just curse me? Nah, nah, not me.
God.
Pops.
Okay, you had me come all the way down here to curse me? Couldn't tell you nothing like that on the phone.
That's some (bleep) shit to say to somebody.
Jesus Christ, you are such a (bleep) asshole! (bleep) you, you fake-ass giant ashy ankle crusty nail stupid-ass hood rat mother(bleep)! Looking like a big-ass sack of potatoes.
You sorry, broke-ass, dirty mother(bleep).
- Bye, Dianne! - (bleep) you! - God bless.
- Ooh! (laughing) Jesus! (both laughing) TRAYVON: Oh oh oh Oh, finally! Man, I'm so happy to see you, man! Where the homies at? Uh, they're, uh they're-they're back at Fish's.
Oh.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Oh, all right, I-I get it, I get it.
They must got something big planned for your boy.
Tell me they didn't.
They ain't do that, did they? I don't think, I don't think so, no.
Okay, it's gonna be cake.
They gotta have cake, you know what I'm sayin'? You know your boy love cake.
Carrot cake, banana cake Listen, big guy, I'm, I'm-I'm just here to pick you up, man.
That's it.
Pick me up in what? I'm so glad to be home.
G-O-D, hold it down.
Jesus, I lost my job over some racist BS.
Hey, that was your fault, man.
Stop blaming the white man for everything, dawg.
Hey, Little Rick, are you still playing football? Hey, Edna, Ron! What's up, y'all? Orlando! What's up, dawg? Hey, you owe me five dollars.
Hey, Lorenzo! What's up, dawg? (Jesus laughs) MAN: Yo, Jesus, I can't find my keys.
Living room, couch, right pillow.
By the window.
Stop losing shit all the time.
BOONIE: Oh, there you go.
Man, you just getting here? Where was you at all night? Where your ass ain't never at.
Getting this money, nigga.
Well, maybe I could give money, if a certain selfish nigga would let his homeboys in on his little secret hustle.
Mm-hmm.
Nigga, trust me, ain't a damn one of y'all built for this hustle.
Hey, but what y'all doing later on, though? Man, you forgot what today is, huh? - What's today? - Jesus coming back today.
Nigga, you serious? That's today? Yeah.
So we good.
Jesus coming back, I-I know he got a plan from God to let us know what to do.
Nigga, we ain't good! We gotta clean this place up! - Man, get up! - Fish! Hey, relax, go wash your ass, man.
We was just about to clean up, man.
It won't take but two minutes.
No, nigga, call Trayvon.
Tell him we need him to go to the store.
Trayvon already went to pick up Jesus.
FISH: When he supposed to get out? Man, they're supposed to be back in, like, uh, - not that long, man.
- Hold on, let me check.
Oh.
Shit.
I missed y'all.
Man, I love you guys so much, man.
I'm so glad to be home.
(rattling doorknob) Well! Look who it is! Jesus Christ! Mr.
I'm Holier than Everybody in the Whole (bleep) World.
(laughing): Hey! What's crackin' with you, Lloyd? What you got going on right here? What's crackin' is, things have changed around here.
What residence are you here to visit? Aw, come on, man.
You know I'm here to see Fish.
Sign in.
And I need two forms of I.
D.
Lloyd, you know me, man.
Come on, man, it's your boy.
- (chuckling) - Hey! I need your Social Security number, punks! Man, this is about to be so bomb! You know I ain't never had no surprise party, man.
I'm about to act surprised as a mug.
I might get up there and scream and pee on myself or something.
Is that too much? Come on, Trayvon.
Hey, Jesus, I suggest lowering your expectations a little.
(chuckles) (knocking on door) - - Jesus! What up, baby? Welcome home! JASON: Hey, Jee, what's up, man? - What's up, my N-word? - What's happening, baby? I can't believe this shit.
TRAYVON: I, um, I told you to lower your expectations.
The day Jesus returns to walk with his homies on this earth one more time, and this is what the (bleep) I get? I'm sorry, Jesus, man.
I'll take full responsibility.
But don't even trip, though.
I got something for you.
Have my seat.
JESUS: Really, Fish? For real? Aw, man! Talk about ungrateful, man.
Got them Loops you like.
- I got it.
- FISH: Hey, get the (scoffs) Come on, man, you know how many people been waitin' they entire life for me to return and spread my love? And y'all got me right here at your fingertips, in your house - Sorry there's no milk.
- and this is the best you can do? All y'all just like, "Oh, whatever, it's Jesus.
"Oh, Heavenly Shepherd.
"Oh, he ain't tripping.
Whatever.
" Jesus, man, it ain't even like that.
We just been struggling, man.
We barely getting by.
And I got both of these fools living with me, too.
You been struggling? Fool, I just got out! Y'all over here living sweet, under one roof like a family, the way God intended it to be.
That's what he want; he want us together.
Breaking bread, sharing stuff sharing cable, Internet, your Loops, you know.
Netflix, blankets and stuff, - floor space and perhaps a couch or two? - FISH: Whoa, whoa.
What's up with all this sharing? You trying to stay here? I mean, maybe just for a night or two.
FISH: Oh, hell, nah.
We already ain't got enough room, man.
No room for Jesus? So-so that's what you saying? No room for Jesus Christ in your heart or your crib, huh? This nigga be sweating in his sleep and shit.
He keep peeing on the stool, man He's sleeping in my bed.
(pounding on door, all arguing at once) - Hey, I heard today's a special day.
- Oh, no, no, nigga.
Get the (bleep) out of my crib, man.
I told y'all, y'all can't run up here without notice, man.
The (bleep) is wrong with you? Hey, what's up, Koresh? - How was the nuthouse? - Man, you know, actually, it was I don't care about that shit, nigga.
I was just being facetious.
Your new rent agreement.
Says right here that this unit has a two-nigga limit.
LLOYD: Two niggas.
Right now, I'm counting two, three, four niggas.
Anybody that violates these rules is subject to immediate expulsion from the complex.
Vic, man, come on, man.
Chill out, man, stop tripping.
- I'm just visiting, dawg.
- VIC: That's good, 'cause there's also some new visiting hours.
- From 8:00 to 6:00 p.
m.
- 6:00.
Anybody found on the complex after those hours who is not a resident will also be subject to immediate expulsion from the complex.
Management also reserves the right to enter any unit at any time, without prior notice, to enforce these rules.
Management also got the right to get its ass blasted if he come in my place without notice.
With what? A rubber band? Nigga, you on parole.
You ain't got no gun.
You don't know what the (bleep) I got.
Look, nigga, stop trying to act tough with me, okay? You ain't tough.
You a male model, nigga.
Right now you should be somewhere, in your drawers, trying to sell some perfume.
- (Lloyd snickering) - Obey the rules.
Nigga, do you got a crush on me or something? Vic got a crush on Fish, and Lloyd jealous.
Hey, ya'll niggas should be trying to figure out which two of y'all is gonna be getting out of here tonight.
That's right! Hey, so I told my moms, "If you talk disrespectfully to me again, it's on.
" That's when she put me out and I moved over here.
Yeah, and I got caught lying on my last rental application, man, at my other spot.
- What? - Yeah, they kicked my ass out the same day.
Hey, look, Jesus, I ain't gonna lie, man i-it seem like ever since I broke up with Dianne, man, my life been cursed.
Man, God wants y'all to work that out.
And he want to see the homies living phat, man, and beautiful in his glory.
Dig that.
'Cause you know Pops been getting at me, right? I'm talking about he laced your boy with some major game on how to win, man.
You know what I mean? He gave me the vision and I can see it.
- It's so exciting, dawg.
- Yeah, that's what - we been waiting on.
- All right, come on, let's hear it.
You ready? Peep it out Pops wants us to go legit.
No, man, I'm serious, man, look no more jail, no more schemes, no more scams, man.
He want us to go out there and make some legit paper, man.
And here's the best part: - We gonna be spreading the Word.
- Did Pops tell you how we supposed to make this "legit" paper? Not exactly, but, you know, we'll figure that out.
Yeah, 'cause we damn sure ain't figured it out yet.
Fish, where you going, dawg? We just started chillin'.
- I got this thing I gotta go do.
- Oh - "this thing"? - Yeah, man some of us still got bills and shit to pay.
Hey, Fish, man, come on, man, come back.
Where you going, dawg? We about to smoke.
(bleep) it, I'll take your chair.
Check it out, man.
That homeboy he up to something real grimy, man.
I don't know what it is.
What about you you know what it is, Jesus? Man, Pops ain't showing me, man.
I mean, maybe he don't want us to know.
Could be legit.
I don't know, but I saw what he put in that bag.
What'd he put in the bag? A ski mask and a gun.
He going skiing in a bad neighborhood.
BOONIE: Yeah, look at him, man.
Them hemorrhoids bothering him, I can tell by that walk.
Yeah.
Hey, what this dude up to, man? I don't know.
He got to be doing home invasions or something, man.
Wait, where the (bleep) he go that quick? He was right there, man.
Now I don't know where he at.
Hey, Jesus, use your X-ray vision.
Boonie, I don't have X-ray vision, dawg.
Thanks for the ride, pimps! (stammers) (Fish cackles) (bleep)! Man, I had to take a dump.
Damn! We got to walk.
(Fish chuckling) Very funny, Fish.
Man, y'all had that coming.
Man, we were just worried about you, dawg.
Hey, what you always say, Jee? Free will means you free to (bleep) up, right? - God help you.
- Ah, whatever.
(sharp banging) JESUS: What's up with all that, man? Visiting hours is over, which means all non-residents must exit the complex immediately.
Two of you niggas, outta here.
Go ahead, man.
You sure? I ain't tripping, man.
Go on, get down.
He is my friend He He is my friend He died for my sins Oh, he died for you and me Oh, yes, he did The glory of him Ah, the glory of him, now He's My friend Oh, whoa, oh.
I don't know why every time I ask you all to do something.
I got to hear this shit.
That bitch is crossing the line, hear? Think she gonna start her own operation.
Listen, all I need you to do is to go over there and make her understand who's working for who.
That's it.
We're not enforcers, Mom.
I'll go over there and teach that bitch a lesson.
Thank you, Fish, real man who I wish was my son.
You know what, Ma? You gonna try that shit on the wrong person one day, for real.
- I'm telling you.
- What, you scared of a single mom who does yoga, Boonie? Really? I'm just asking you to deliver a message.
I'm paying you, ain't I? A eighth of some little bullshit weed? Jesus Christ, Ma! - (knocking on sliding glass door) - Well, you (heavenly chorus sings) Oh, look who's here! Aw, Jesus! My sweet Lord.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
That's what I'm talking about! That's how you greet his High Holiness, - you know what I mean? - You like that, huh? - I love it.
- Jesus, this spread is for you.
And look here I had a cake delivered and everything.
(Jesus gasps) BOONIE: That's that Jesus everybody believe in.
But (bleep) him, you my man.
This nigga - don't never come through.
- Anyway, Ms.
Tudi Mm-hmm? thank you so much, 'cause you know, I got cats I mess with every day who claim they love me they ain't got no cake.
I know, but look here, we all did miss you.
We missed you so, so much.
JESUS: Hey, but did the homies tell you the amazing news? No, ain't nobody told me nothing.
- Pops got at me, right? - Uh-huh.
And he gave me the Word.
And he told me he want us to go legit, get straight and make this real paper.
- Dig that! (chuckles) - Ooh, speak, Lord! - And stay out of trouble.
- Yes! Man, she want me and Fish to go and Boonie, shut up.
Jesus is talking.
Go ahead, Lord Jesus.
Well, then he want us to go out and spread the Word.
I'm talking about everywhere we gonna reach far and wide.
- Compton to Cairo.
- Spread the Word, go legit, huh? - Amen.
- (whoops) I love it.
This gonna cost me some money? - Not a dime.
- Hallelujah.
She's so phony with you, Jesus.
She want me and Fish to go visit this girl and enforce some of her weed money.
No, Ms.
Tudi, see, see, that's what I'm talking about.
We ain't got to do the janky shit no more we good.
I understand, Lord, and, oh, you know I be trying to walk in your holy and righteous path.
You know that, right? Jesus, my weed business is falling apart.
A-And I still got this house note I got to pay.
- But, Ms.
Tudi, you - Oh, I knew you'd understand.
I'm so glad you're back.
Oh, praise the Lord! - God is good.
- All the time.
MS.
TUDI: All the time! Oh, huh.
Get it done, hear? Cake looks wonderful.
(chuckles) Yo, bitch.
You about to find out who really runs this shit.
BOONIE: Hey, man, so, you cool with this, man? You know, us going to shake down that yoga chick and all that? Hell, yeah, I'm cool.
Nigga, you scared, man? Just relax.
And think about it you get your mom off your back and we get - a pinch of that weed, too.
- (knocking on door) Shalinka? Hey, what you doing over here? - I need me some me time.
- What? I got a Burke Williams gift certificate for my birthday.
I just need you to watch the kids.
I'm only gonna be gone a couple of hours.
- Just don't leave 'em alone.
- I left 'em with a babysitter - last time.
- You left 'em with a pit bull, Boonie! A pit bull is not a babysitter! Hey, that's a highly trained pit bull.
She had kids before.
Hey, what's that - the kids out there? - They down there, yeah.
- Hey! Hey, what's up? - BOON-BOON/BOONLINKA: Hi, Daddy! - Daddy'll be down in a minute! - BOON-BOON: Hurry up! Hey, look, let me tell you something.
Me and Fish, we got some serious business to handle.
You can't just be poppin' by here like this.
I'm not popping by.
I got your kids.
And what business you and the pretty convict have? Y'all don't have no damn business, neither one of y'all, in here trying to run capers instead of getting serious about life.
All I asked you to do was watch your kids.
Take 'em somewhere, walk 'em down the street, throw 'em in the air.
It don't matter.
Kiss they cheek.
Do some daddy shit.
It's only a couple of hours.
Dag.
These bitches wonder why they single moms.
- But, look, man, you know - No "look" nothing, nigga.
- You better figure something out quick.
- Hey, man, I got this, man.
See, my moms and Link, they think I'm not a good father, but I got this I know how to play this.
Watch this.
Hey, kids! Hey! - Y'all want some ice cream? - BOON-BOON/BOONLINKA: Yeah! Yeah! Daddy got you! We gonna go get some ice cream! (chuckles) BOON-BOON/BOONLINKA: Yay! Ice cream! We'll do the ice cream thing.
I'm telling you, it'll work.
- Isn't this ice cream is the best one ever? - All right, it should be up here in the next couple blocks, man.
Hey, this hood don't look too bad.
- Look at that cat! - FISH: Boonie, just go in there, deliver the message, and get out, man.
I'm gonna stay in the car with the kids.
Hey, you see that broad up there in the street? What the (bleep)?! BOONIE: Turn, man! Get the (bleep) out of here, man! FISH: I'm trying to! - Damn it! This bitch is crazy! - BOONIE: What the hell?! Get off this street now! Go, go, go, go! I'm going! I'm going! Man, what the (bleep) was that? - Y'all all right? - (kids laughing) Hey, man, you got shot, dawg.
What? Jesus Christ! Hey, don't call Jesus, man! He gonna find out! I want him to! If I had listened to Jesus, I wouldn't be shot the (bleep) up like Caine from Menace right now! Oh, my God.
Oh, Boonie! What the hell? Are you okay? Come here, babies.
Why you got them in the car? - The hell is wr Hi, baby.
Are you - G-ma, you should've seen it! They were shootin' guns and everything! It was like a video game! And we got ice cream! Okay.
Okay.
Y'all go on in the house, hear? - Hey, well, look, I'm not okay.
- Are you out your goddamn mind? What the hell you doing with them babies in the car?! Oh, here we go.
Goddamn it, if I got 'em with me, you mad, if I don't got 'em with me, you mad.
You a stupid-ass bastard, - you know that? - See? What'd I tell you? What did I tell you? Hey, Jesus, save me, man.
Save me.
I got shot, man.
- Ow! Ow! - It ain't even that bad.
That's what I told him, Jee.
Ain't nothing but a fat wound.
Man, I can't believe this, man.
I go away all that time and come back to this? Everybody I know and love is runnin' around, actin' like some idiots right now! Look, man, I'm sorry, man, but if y'all don't want to follow your boy, it's cool, man.
I can pack up and hit a new spot, get some new followers, people who want to spread the Word of God, man.
I'm out of here, man.
I'm headed to Inglewood, where folks appreciate your boy.
Hey, Jee, hey, I was just driving the car, man.
MS.
TUDI: Don't worry about it, Fish.
He said that before.
He ain't going nowhere.
He's Jesus.
FISH: You just goin', forsakin' us like that? (knocking on side of van) Yo.
I talk to you for a second? Look, man, I just I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I mean, I feel like lately there's a lot of distance between us, and I know it's my fault.
I just been doing a lot of stuff lately that I ain't exactly proud of, Jee.
But that's the only way I'm surviving.
And not just for me, man.
I've been holding down Boonie and J.
We thought you was gonna be gone for a few days, man.
You been gone for, like, six months.
I know, man.
It's my bad, dawg.
It's just (sighing) I was just reaching so many brothers when I was in the hospital, man.
- I-I didn't even want to leave.
- Well, what about us, Jee? We needed you, too, man.
We still need you.
Niggas love you, brah.
I love you.
We don't want you to go, man.
Look, dawg Pops don't want us in jail, man.
He don't want us locked up.
And if I'm gonna stick around, dawg, you gonna have to straighten up, man.
Well, that's what I'm-a do then, Jee.
Whatever you say, I'm with that.
But first I got to get my homeboy head right, though.
That's you.
(chuckles) You twist this? Absolutely! (chuckling) - Put the robe on me.
Put the robe on me.
- (laughs) You want - you want some robe? - Put the robe on me.
- (laughing) - Damn, you heavy.
That's what's up.
(chuckles) Man, I can't believe y'all doing this for your boy.
Yeah, Moms paid for everything, so thank her.
JESUS: Mmm.
Mmm, mmm.
Man, so good to see you all again.
Man, I missed y'all, dawg.
Hey, man, I got to shake.
But y'all stay as long as y'all want, man.
(bleep) what Vic talkin' about.
Fish, where you going, dawg? We about to feast, man.
I got to do this thing, Jee.
Hey, Boonie, I'm-a use the car, man.
- I'll put some gas in there.
- Uh-huh.
(crickets chirping) (women laughing, whooping) (women chattering in distance) All right, don't go anywhere! Put your hands up! (women screaming) Everybody get your hands up where I can see 'em! Put your hands up! Put your goddamn hands up! You heard what I said! Y'all know what time it is! Hey, push play! (hip-hop song begins) Yeah - (women whooping) - Yeah.
It's time to get it poppin' now.
Come here, girl.
(grunts) Yeah.
Get you some of that, get you some of that.
(rhythmic grunting) Get your ass over here! You ain't going nowhere.
Yeah.
(grunting) Oh, Sookie, Sookie now! - Come on.
You want some of this? - I want some of that! (whooping) I want some of that! - (grunts) - (whooping) Whoa! Come on, baby.
All right, now, don't run.
Come to me now.
Don't run.
Uh-huh.
Uh-uh-uh.
Oh, yeah, here here Uh-huh.
Yeah, baby.
(grunting) Where you going, baby? Oh, yeah.
My turn.
My turn.
(women whooping, shouting) Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, shit! Put the boogie in your body, get up off of that thing Let's party, put the boogie in your body Get up off of that thing Let's party, put the boogie in your body Get up off of that thing, let's party Put the boogie in your body, get up off of that thing Ow! Hey, baby Come on, come on, one, two, three.